


Edge of Night

by Sinelaborenihil



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Boys In Love, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Date, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Time Having Sex, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester's First Time With a Man, Domestic Fluff, Dreams Featuring Alternate Universes, Explicit Sexual Content, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, First Time Topping, Fluff and Smut, Gentle Dom Castiel (Supernatural), Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Past Child Abuse, Porn, Porn Watching, Porn with Feelings, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Spoilers, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Torture, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 27
Words: 173,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27567001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sinelaborenihil/pseuds/Sinelaborenihil
Summary: Following the events of Season 15 Episode 19 "Inherit the Earth", Dean Winchester finds himself struggling with his grief, despite what seems like a decisive victory. Then, in an instant, everything changes and he is given a second chance to explore what it might mean to allow himself to embrace a certain "profound bond".
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 462
Kudos: 539





	1. Edge of Night

**Author's Note:**

> **SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15 OF SUPERNATURAL**
> 
> This story began as a fix-it fic that was only intended to be one chapter, maybe two. However, the story really expanded because I wanted to explore what a journey it would be for Dean to embrace a romantic relationship with Castiel, given his canon characterization. 
> 
> There's a lot of fluff, a lot of smut, and also some really dark, sad moments. I try to call out the darker stuff ahead of the chapters so no-one is blindsided by anything. Thank you for giving my story a chance and I hope that you enjoy.

Dean stared at the ceiling in his room in the bunker, listening to the sound of the ice in his whisky glass cracking on the bedside table. He didn’t even _like_ ice in his whisky. That had always been _his_ drink. 

Dean draped his arm over his eyes, gritting his teeth. He had to think the name. He _had_ to. He owed it to-to Castiel. 

Whisky on the rocks had always been _Cas’_ drink. 

Cas liked the cold, liked the way “the ice brought out the floral notes”, whatever the fuck that meant, of the whiskey they drank together. It was Cas who loved the sound that the ice made as it split. 

He’d always said it reminded him of when God made the glaciers. 

Everywhere he fucking turned it was Cas, except where it mattered. 

_I love you._

Cas had said “I love you” and Dean had _known_ that he hadn’t meant it in a ‘band of brothers’ kind of way. He knew the way that Cas was looking at him. He knew it from countless nights hunting the things that gave normal people nightmares, when he’d catch Cas looking at him in _that_ way. 

But they had never spoken of it, because for the longest time Dean just...couldn’t. He liked _girls_ , damn it! 

But at the end of the day, it wasn’t about that. Cas was Cas. He was always there, with that look, with that voice, with that unnerving faith in Dean and now...for the first time in over a decade he wasn’t and Dean felt...un-moored. He hadn’t realized how deeply Cas was a part of him until he was just gone. 

Dean sat up and threw back the rest of the whisky, just so he didn’t have to listen to the sound of the ice anymore. 

He _should_ be happy. 

They had won. 

Chuck was gone, Jack was...well, the new almighty. 

The Earth had people (and Miracle) on it again. 

But Cas was still gone. 

Gritting his teeth, Dean sat up, and swung his legs off of the bed. He rose and left his room, unsure of where he was going at first. It wasn’t until he reached the door marked “Man Cave” that he realized where he was going. 

He and Cas had been knee-deep in Middle Earth before...before everything. 

They had watched the movies countless times, of course. They were some of Cas’ favorites. 

_And mine,_ Dean admitted to himself. He let himself into the room and fired up the DVD player, sinking down onto the beaten up old couch he’d always shared with Cas. 

There were more comfortable seats in the man-cave, of course, but the two of them had always sat together on the least comfortable one. 

Fuck, it wasn’t even centered. 

He always said it was easier to share popcorn that way. 

But maybe, maybe he’d just...liked the proximity. 

It didn’t matter now. The other side of the couch was empty. 

So he sat in one of the immaculate leather recliners and hit play, and listened as Pippin sang “Edge of Night” as Faramir lead the men of Gondor across the Pelennor Fields. He knew that he was crying. He _always_ cried. That was why they had stopped it last time. Sure, he’d made a crack about needing another beer, but watching the impossible battle as they faced down their own...it was too much. 

Faramir reminded him of Cas. Desperate for his Father’s approval. Kinder and wiser than he thought he was. A good man, at the heart of it all. 

Cas had always thought he had more in common with Boromir. He felt he was sent to do a job and he had failed at it. That he’d been corrupted and only just managed some sort of redemption at the end. 

Tonight...tonight he watched the whole way through and let himself cry. 

_Home is behind, the world ahead_

He had Sammy. He had the Bunker. But Cas was gone and he was realizing that that meant that his home was as well. 

_And there are many paths to tread_

They were free, they were finally _free_. Chuck was gone and for the first time ever they were free to write their own story. But he didn’t feel free. Or rather, the freedom felt _wrong._

_Through shadow, to the edge of night_

They had certainly been there often enough in their lives. The edge of night, deepest midnight, in the places where the shadows were so black that no light could penetrate them. Hell its-fucking-self. 

_Until the stars are all alight_

Man, but they had seen some good things together too. They had seen victories that you only got to see in movies like this, in video games, in fucking ballads. 

And then little things too. He’d watched the Perseids with Cas before, privately delighting in how entranced the Angel of the Lord was by the shooting stars as they lay on the hood of the Impala somewhere in the Upper Peninsula. 

“I have only ever seen them from Heaven,” Cas had explained. “They look...different from there. Less...shiny.” 

“Shiny?” Dean had asked. 

Cas had nodded gravely. “The particles ejected by the comet have no atmosphere to interact with in Heaven. It just look like...like dirt falling. It is nothing like this.” 

_Mist and shadow_

How much of the good they had done was just...lost? No one would ever know what Cas had done in the Bunker. No one would ever know how he had saved Dean, not just in the literal sense, but in a bigger one. Telling him that he wasn’t a creature of hate and death as he had always thought, but of love. 

Fuck, to hear that after a lifetime of thinking of himself as, as a weapon. The Michael Sword. The Vessel. The hand that pointed the gun. 

I am the one who ganks. 

But no. 

Cas saw him as a being of love. 

_Cloud and shade_

He knew better than to think of Heaven as a land of fluffy clouds. He knew better than anyone that the angels weren’t all that angelic. They were absolute and terrifying. 

Unless they were Cas. 

_All shall fade_

Cas wouldn’t. He’d never let him. 

_All shall fade._

Until the day he finally died for good, Dean would make sure that Cas never faded. He’d watch the movies Cas loved. He’d drink his whisky with ice. He’d put sugar on the popcorn because he’d made the mistake of letting Cas try kettle corn at a fair once and the angel was _obsessed._ He would find the little tiny things that had burned Cas into his memory as surely as the Ennochian was burned into his own bones, and he would do them. 

He watched the movie through to the end. Well, through the several ends. And then, because the thought of going to sleep in his bed and waking up without Cas watching him from the chair made a hollow place open in the pit of his stomach, he started the movie over. 

_“I will never understand why they didn’t just take the eagles to Mordor,” Cas had said, helping himself to some of Dean’s popcorn._

_“Gwaihir didn’t want to get involved in the disputes of Men,” Dean had answered. “And the Eye would have seen him. And the Nazgûl. ‘One does not simply walk into Mordor,’ Cas.”_

_“For someone who often refers to Sam as a 'geek',” Cas had replied with a sidelong glance in his direction, “you sure know a great deal of names of made-up places and people.”_

_“Shut up,” Dean had retorted and the angel had grinned at him in the way that told Dean that for all of Cas’ wide-eyed ‘confusion’ at human humor, he knew that he had just scored a direct hit._

The DVD menu was playing on a loop when Dean woke up and his watch told him that it was close to midnight. He turned everything off, took his glass down to the kitchen, and then dragged himself up to bed. He curled up on his side with his back to the chair, closing his eyes and burying his face in his pillow. 

“Cas,” Dean whispered. “Damn it, Cas!” The tears came easily, and Dean found himself curling up in the fetal position around the pillow, trying to keep his sobs quiet. They had scored a major win and Sam was going through enough with Eileen’s death. He didn’t want his little brother to worry. He wanted Sam to feel the pure joy that he deserved. 

“Castiel,” Dean choked out, realizing that after their many years together the habit of praying to Cas was so ingrained that he did it, even when he knew there was no one who would answer. “Cas...I’m so sorry. There’s so much that I always meant to say...or maybe just...didn’t think I needed to say. You are...you were...damn it, Cas!” 

“Dean?” 

Dean shot upright at Cas' voice and for the briefest moment saw Jack as he’d been on the street, bathed in white light as he smiled his gentle smile. “ _Mostly_ hands off,” Jack said, and then he was gone. 

Leaving Cas sitting in the chair. 

Cas turned and looked at Dean, his eyes wide. “Was that-” 

But before he could finish Dean was launching himself off his bed with a sound that he didn’t think humans were supposed to make, pulling the angel, his angel to his feet and into an embrace that the folks on the forums Becky loved would have killed to see. 

“Cas!” 

Cas’ arms wrapped around him with equal intensity. “Dean!”

Dean took a deep breath, and immediately his senses filled with the scent of his angel. Cas smelled of ozone, and midnight during a snowstorm, and the ocean after a hurricane. But after so many years, it just smelled like home. He pulled back, his hands on Cas’ shoulders as he looked into Cas’ eyes, shining with their own tears. “Is it really you?” he asked. 

Cas gave him _that_ smile, that lopsided, uncertain smile. “You are welcome to spray me with holy water,” he said, his voice a little rougher than usual. “Cut me with silver. Spray me with borax. But I am fairly certain that I am me and you are...you. Jack is not so...capricious as the previous Almighty.” 

“Castiel,” Dean whispered, sliding his hands up into the angel’s hair and pulling his forehead against his own. 

“Dean,” Cas replied, his arms sliding around Dean’s waist and splaying across his lower back. “You never call me ‘Castiel’ unless you are praying.” 

“Maybe I am,” Dean whispered. 

“There is no need,” Cas said, his eyes finding Dean’s. “I am right here.” 

Dean let out a choked little sound somewhere in the same zipcode as a laugh. “Cas, about what you said before the Nothing-” 

“I meant it,” Cas said immediately, giving him the same tender smile that had broken his heart that night. “I-” 

“You too,” Dean said, his hand tightening in the angel’s hair. “You’ve gotta know, Cas.” 

Cas gave him the wide eyed look that no one could do like him, and it was _just_ innocent enough that after so many years of trying to teach Cas to bluff at poker, Dean knew the angel was bullshitting. “What is it that I must know, Dean?” 

“You’re really going to make me say it,” Dean grumbled, smiling through the tears that trickled down his face. 

“I gripped you tight and raised you from perdition,” Cas said, his own smile coming through in his voice. “I think it’s the least you could do.” 

“I love you too, assbutt,” Dean said, cupping the angel’s cheeks in his hands and looking into his eyes. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to...to have the balls to say it, but I do. I have for a long time.” 

“Dean,” Castiel whispered, his expression sweet and hopeful and too many things to process all at once. 

“Cas,” Dean replied, and before he could let another second of fear or doubt or anything get in the way, he leaned in and pressed his lips to the angel’s. The kiss was a gentle one, at least at first, and if Dean had been holding himself to his usual standards, he would have called it clumsy. 

Mostly though, it just felt right. 

Cas let out a soft little whimper that went straight to Dean’s heart and he pulled the other man against himself hard, his lips pressing more firmly against Cas’. Cas parted his lips (where had he learned _that?_ ) moaning quietly as his tongue brushed against Dean’s bottom lip. 

Dean flicked his tongue against Cas’ before he even thought about it and for a long moment they stood there kissing deeply. 

“Dean,” Cas whispered raggedly, breaking the kiss. “Dean...I don’t-” 

Dean pulled back right away, shame immediately pooling in his belly. “I’m sorry!” he said. “Damn it, Cas I-I didn’t mean to force-” 

“No!” Cas exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck and clutching him like a drowning man grasps at driftwood. “No, Dean, I just...you don’t...I am not...I am not a-a woman,” he finished softly, his breath ghosting against Dean’s ear and raising goosebumps on his arms. “I know that you, that I can’t be...can’t have-” 

“Look,” Dean said, pulling the angel’s forehead against his again. “I won’t pretend I know what I’m doing here, Cas. But I-” he clenched his eyes shut, swallowing hard. “I’ve lived without you,” he growled. “I’ve done it, and I don’t want to do it again. I want to give this a _try_ , at least.” He tilted Cas’ chin up so that the angel was looking at him again. “You’re you,” he said. “That’s what matters.” He let out a little chuff of self-deprecating laughter. “Just go easy on me if I-if I suck at this.” 

“The kiss was very nice,” Cas said, his nose brushing against Dean’s. 

“You wouldn’t know a good kiss if it-” 

Cas’ lips were on his before he could finish, and where Dean had been expecting tentativeness, there was instead _hunger_. Cas’ hands threaded through Dean’s hair, pulling him closer with intensity that was almost painful. For his part, Dean clutched Cas against himself, hearing himself moan as Cas gently teased Dean's lips with his tongue. Dean parted them without a thought, caressing Cas’ tongue as the angel kissed him with increased confidence. 

Cas pulled back after several long moments, a shy smile on his face. 

“Learn that from the Pizza Man?” Dean panted. 

Cas chuckled and wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist, hugging him and nuzzling his neck. “Among other things,” he said quietly. 

Dean was shocked at the shiver that went through his body. “Damn it, Cas,” he growled, unable to keep from grinning. He kissed the other man’s cheek, feeling the roughness of Cas’ stubble on his lips. Then, to his great horror and shame, he yawned. 

“You’re exhausted,” Cas said, cupping Dean’s cheek and running his thumb over Dean’s lips to his cheekbone. 

“I haven’t slept much,” Dean admitted. “I...I’ve been grieving, Cas.” 

“Chuck was defeated,” Cas said. “You and Sam won.” 

“But I lost you,” Dean said, shaking his head. 

“I am here,” Cas said, giving him a tender kiss on the lips. “You should rest.” 

“That’s not how the big reunion’s supposed to go,” Dean said, hating that he sounded like he was pouting. 

Cas chuckled, the sound filling Dean with warmth and unexpected...heat. “Come on, Dean,” he said, one of his cool hands sliding down, his fingers twining through Dean’s. “Let’s go to bed.” 

Dean let the angel lead him over to the bed and undress him, marveling at the tenderness with which Cas touched him. He tried to return it as he removed Cas’ trenchcoat and untied his tie, though Cas distracted him with another kiss as he unbuttoned the angel’s shirt. When they were both undressed, Dean crawled into his bed and held back the blankets. Cas slid into bed next to him and the two of them lay looking at each other as Cas tucked the blankets behind himself. Cas’ touch was feather-light as he stroked his fingers through Dean’s hair. It felt so damn good and Dean yawned, sliding his hand around Cas’ waist. He pushed up Cas’ undershirt without intending to, and couldn’t help but feel a little flash of satisfaction as Cas arched into his touch with a soft sound when Dean’s fingertips made contact with the skin of his back. 

“Dean,” Cas rumbled, smiling. “You need to sleep. There will be time for-” he blushed bright red. 

“Time for…?” 

Cas’ glorious eyes found his and his smile was so bright and certain that Dean felt a lump form in his throat. “For everything, Dean,” he said. “Now please don’t make me knock you unconscious.” 

“Can you still do that?” Dean teased. 

“I’m not sure,” Cas admitted, still smiling, and his lips looked so pink and inviting that Dean had to taste them again. He kissed Cas softly, letting his lips wander from Cas’, down the angel’s neck and over his collarbone. “Dean,” Cas admonished through a little gasp that was kind of adorable. He pulled Dean closer, kissing his forehead. “Please rest.” 

“Fine,” Dean said. “But...Cas?” 

“Dean?” 

Dean looked up into Cas’ wide, blue eyes. “You...you’ll be here when I wake up, right?” he asked and heard how plaintive he sounded. 

Cas’ lips were reassuringly warm against his own. “Barring the end of the world,” Cas whispered. “I’ll just wait here.”

**** 

Dean woke up more slowly than he could remember waking up in a long time. He was in his room, but something was different. There was warmth against his side, an arm around him, and when Dean nuzzled in his cheek met the flat plane of a man’s chest, rather than the pliable warmth of the breast. He smelled the scent of winter wind in an old growth forest and found himself smiling. 

_Castiel._

Dean opened his eyes and looked up, his eyes immediately meeting the warm blue ones of his angel. “You’re here,” he said. 

“I did say I would be,” Cas replied, the corner of his lips quirking upwards. 

“What time is it?” Dean asked, scrubbing at his face with one hand. 

Cas rested his cheek on Dean’s hair. “Approximately eleven AM. You were very tired.” 

Dean blinked, surprised. He never slept that long, not all at once. “ _Did_ you knock me out?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Cas snorted, a distinctly un-angelic sound. “That was hardly necessary,” he replied. “You were exhausted, Dean. I only held you and let you rest.” 

Dean tilted his face up, unable to take his eyes off of Cas’ lips. “Thanks,” he said. Tentatively, he brought his hand up and cupped Cas’ cheek. Cas leaned into his touch with a smile, his arms tightening around Dean. “I could get used to this,” he admitted, brushing his thumb back and forth across Cas’ cheek. 

“As could I,” Cas rumbled, turning his head and kissing Dean’s palm. The sensation raised goosebumps on Dean’s arms and he shivered. He caught the flare of heat in Cas’ eyes before the other man’s calm mask was back in place. “Was that...all right?” Cas asked, suddenly uncertain and adorable and Dean couldn’t help but grin up at him. 

“You missed,” he said, raising his chin in what he hoped Cas would interpret as a challenge. 

Cas’ eyes widened fractionally as one of his hands came up and he caught Dean’s chin in his thumb and pointer finger. “Forgive me,” he rasped, and then his lips found Dean’s and Dean couldn’t have kept from moaning if he had tried. He heard the angel’s answering moan and felt himself smiling a big stupid smile into the kiss as Cas’ arm tightened around his back. And then suddenly there was too much air between them, and so Dean rolled backwards so that the two of them lay on their sides facing one another. He wrapped his arms around Cas, splaying his hand across Cas’ lower back underneath the bottom hem of Cas’ undershirt. Cas’ touch on Dean’s bare back was more hesitant and Dean broke the kiss to brush Cas’ hair off of his forehead. 

“You ok?” he asked. 

“I don’t know what to do with my hands,” Cas said, blushing. “I don’t want to...to push. This is enough, Dean. You, are enough.” He let out a soft little laugh that was somehow sweet and sad at the same time. “I never let myself imagine that I might one day kiss you. I don’t want to...break this before it even has a chance to come into being.” 

“Cas,” Dean murmured, tightening his arms around the other man and leaning his forehead against Cas’. Inwardly his heart was pounding as his mind and body raced to process the influx of sensory input. It felt strange to have another man’s body pressed against his in such an intimate way. It felt strange to feel a hairy thigh draped over his, to feel stubble against his face, and to feel broad fingers tentatively resting on his waist. 

Strange, yes...but it didn’t feel bad. How could it, when Cas was looking at him with such wide-open adoration, his whole-ass heart scrawled across his face? Dean reached down and took hold of Cas’ elbow, pulling his arm so that Cas’ hand slid around his back. He felt Cas’ hand press firmly against his spine, his blunt nails trailing in slow, languid circles. He mirrored the motion of Cas’ fingers on the other man’s back as he kissed the corner of Cas’ lips. Cas turned and caught his lips right away, his own parting as he softly whispered Dean’s name. This kiss was a deeper one, with Cas’ leg pulling Dean more firmly against him as Dean teased Cas’ lips with his tongue. Cas’ hand slid up his back and into his hair, and Dean grunted when the angel’s hand tightened. The sound seemed to do something to Cas, who responded with a soft moan and more eager explorations with his tongue. They were both breathing hard when they pulled back and Dean was achingly aware that somewhere in all the kissing and touching he had gotten hard. Cas’ length was hard against his belly as they lay looking at each other. He wasn’t sure he was ready to _do_ anything about it, but it didn’t spook him like he would have guessed it would. 

But then again, as he looked into the eyes of the man who loved him, how could he be spooked? It was _Cas_. Cas who had _died_ for him. This was the man who had fought countless battles at his side, who had sacrificed and taken unimaginable pain just to keep Dean safe. He was safe. 

“Dean,” Cas whispered. “I-” he blushed, glancing down. “It would appear that my penis-” 

“Don’t,” Dean cut him off, choking back a laugh as his own cheeks warmed. “Cas, you can’t be calling it that.” 

“But that’s-” 

“This isn’t a nature documentary, Cas,” Dean somehow choked out. Was he really having this conversation? “That’s all well and good for the doctor, all right? But it’s not...it’s not hot.” 

Cas frowned. “I like to be precise,” he said. 

“Awesome,” Dean replied. “There are other ways to get your meaning across without sounding like David Attenborough, ok?” 

Cas was quiet for a moment, his brow furrowing. 

“Come on, Cas,” Dean said, blushing. “I know for a fact that you’ve watched porn.” 

“The people on the forums that Becky ran liked using ‘manhood’,” Cas said mildly. “Is that better?” 

_Just kill me,_ Dean thought as he struggled with whether to laugh or run from the room and pretend that they had never talked about what to call- _that_. “Not better,” Dean said, shaking his head, and he caught the flash of amusement in Castiel’s expression. 

“I believe ‘tumescence’ was another favorite,” Cas said and by now he was grinning outright and Dean growled and pulled Cas in for another kiss. 

“If you _ever_ call it that, I am walking out of this room,” Dean rumbled against Cas’ lips. “Tumescence my-” 

“I’m hard, Dean,” Cas whispered against his lips, his breath coming in uneven little pants. “My…” he let out a breathless little laugh. “I’m struggling to say it.” 

“Then don’t,” Dean said, pulling Cas a little more firmly against himself and letting out a gasp of his own as their dicks brushed against each other. “You don’t have to say anything, Cas. I can feel that you, that you’re-” 

“Tumescent?” 

“All right, that’s it,” Dean said, playfully shoving the angel away and rolling out of bed. He went to grab his pants, but Cas got to them first, yanking them out of reach with a smile. The angel laughed as Dean fixed him with a mock-stern look that was marred somewhat by the fact that he couldn’t stop his own lips from twitching upwards. “Give me my pants, Cas.” 

“You aren’t really angry, are you?” Cas asked with just enough of the puppy-dog look in his eyes to catch Dean off-guard. 

“Cas-” 

And then the angel was launching himself at Dean, his arms going around Dean’s neck as their lips found each other. “You’re a pain in the ass,” Dean growled against Cas’ lips. 

“I learned from the best,” Cas replied. 

Dean was about to reply when his stomach let out a loud, strident growl. 

“How long has it been since you’ve eaten?” Cas asked, instantly all concern. 

“Anything solid?” Dean said. “A day or so.” 

“Or so,” Cas said, one of his eyebrows almost hitting his hairline. “So...three days of just alcohol, then?” 

“No!” Dean protested as Cas handed him back his pants. “There was cold pizza somewhere.” 

Cas sighed and bent to pick up his trousers, his belt rattling. 

“Wait,” Dean said, opening his bottom drawer and pulling out a pair of flannel pajama pants. “Here.” He pulled out a t-shirt and held it out to Cas, only to see the other man staring wonderingly at the pants. 

“But these are yours,” Cas said softly. 

Dean blushed and shrugged one shoulder. “Can’t have you running around in your monkey-suit now that you’re home,” he said gruffly. 

“Dean,” 

Dean rolled his eyes and pulled on his pants. “If you tell me that monkeys don’t wear suits, I am going to-” 

“To what?” Cas asked, suddenly in his space again as he pulled the pants on. He looked up at Dean and Dean caught his breath at the way his pants, a little too big for the slighter Castiel, hung off of the angel’s hips. That, combined with how his undershirt clung to the flat plane of his stomach made Dean’s own belly do a weird little somersault. 

“To find some way to shut you up,” Dean said, pulling Cas against him and giving him a fierce kiss. He slid his hands up the back of Cas’ shirt and let his thumbs brush along Cas’ ribs. Cas moaned, pressing his body against Dean’s until Dean’s stomach let out another loud rumble. The two stepped back and Dean rubbed the back of his own neck, grinning sheepishly at Cas. “I guess I should eat,” he said. 

Cas pulled on the t-shirt and Dean grinned at the sight of his angel wearing the ACDC shirt instead of his usual collared shirt and tie. “You look good,” he said and then blushed. “C’mon,” he said, before he could embarrass himself anymore. He opened the bedroom door and jumped when he felt Cas’ cool fingers twine through his own. He looked down at where his fingers had so easily wrapped around Cas’ like it was the most natural thing in the world. He was holding hands with a dude. He looked up into Cas’ questioning eyes, and instantly it didn’t matter. He was holding hands with Cas, because Cas loved him and he loved the angel right back. 

Together they walked down the hallway towards the kitchen, and when they turned the corner the sound of voices brought Dean up short. There was a woman’s voice and then Sam was laughing and Dean knew there was only one person who had ever made Sam sound that way. He motioned for Cas to be quiet and softly opened the door to the kitchen and thought his face might crack in half at how hard he found himself smiling. 

Sam and Eileen were at the stove, with Eileen standing behind Sam in a sort of reverse-Ghost position, trying to show him how to flip a huge pancake. 

“You made it too big,” Eileen was saying. “It’s not going to work.” 

“I’ve got a good feeling about this one,” Sam said. He took a deep breath and flipped the pancake, or, well, he tried to flip the pancake. Mostly the pancake slumped over the side of the pan and sizzled onto the burner. 

Eileen laughed, a pure, joyful sound, and Sam set the pan down with a clatter and whirled around, lifting her into an embrace. "Told you so," Eileen said, signing at the same time. 

“It’s not nice to say ‘I told you so’,” Sam said, rubbing his nose against hers. 

“In her defense,” Dean said, stepping into the room. “She did tell you so.” He grinned at them as Eileen let out a triumphant whoop. He thought for a moment that it was because they were all there, alive together. But then he realized that he and Cas were still holding hands and both Sam and Eileen were giving them this knowing look. 

“Finally!” Eileen signed, grinning. 

“I’ll say,” Sam replied. 

“All right,” Dean growled, releasing Cas and stepping forward to pull Eileen into a fierce hug. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Sam do the same thing to Cas. “Welcome home,” he said, finding himself alarmingly choked up. When he pulled back he saw there were tears in her eyes. “Welcome home,” he signed, hoping that he’d gotten it right. 

Eileen grinned at him as Sam released Cas, both men sniffling. Sam put his arm around her shoulders and she tucked herself against his side with one arm around his waist. The four of them stood grinning at each other like idiots for a few moments before Dean clapped his hands together. “Bacon?” he asked Eileen. 

“I’ll go get it,” she said. “Cas, can you come help me? I think I saw some eggs.” 

Dean felt Cas’ fingers slide from between his own and found himself watching Eileen lead Cas off. He really did look good in those pants. 

His contemplation of Cas’ ass was cut short by Sam pulling him into a fierce hug. “I’m so glad he’s back,” Sam said. 

“Me too,” Dean replied, clapping Sam on the shoulder. 

Sam stepped back, his eyes searching Dean’s. “And you two are…?” 

“Happy,” Dean said. “Together. Whatever that means, right now.” 

“ _Together_ together?” Sam asked. “Finally?” 

“Shut up, Sammy,” Dean said, and knew that the stupid smile on his face took the sting out of it. 

“I’m happy for you, Dean,” Sam said as Eileen and Cas’ voices approached. “Truly.” 

“You too, little brother,” Dean replied. “It’ll be nice to have a girl around.” 

“We found bacon,” Eileen signed. “And eggs. Are you two done talking about us?” 

“We can go and see if there’s any snipe,” Cas said. “I understand those hunts take some time.” 

Sam snorted and kissed Eileen on the forehead as Dean took the bacon and eggs from Cas. “Wiseass,” he grumbled as he pulled out a pan and began to cook. “Sammy, you’re cleaning the stove after what you did. Don’t think I’m cleaning up your mess.” 

Soon the sound of bacon sizzling filled the kitchen, acting as soft background noise to the happy chatter that was going on around him. Dean focused on the cooking, just listening, and felt his throat grow tight at the sound of Sam, Cas, and Eileen laughing. 

“Can I help?” Cas asked, suddenly at his shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Dean said gruffly, surreptitiously wiping the tears that threatened to fall with the dishrag. “Plate with paper towels to drain the bacon.” Cas did as he asked and soon the four of them were sitting down to enjoy a mound of bacon and eggs. He’d even found some soy bacon for Sam and fried it up in the spirit of celebration. It got its own plate where it wouldn’t taint the normal bacon, and he was gratified to see Eileen happily crunching on some of the real stuff. She caught him watching and snagged another piece. “Bacon,” she said, rolling her eyes back in her head. “So good.” 

Sam picked up a piece of regular bacon and devoured it, grinning. 

Dean mock-glared at him, gesturing to the plate of veggie bacon he’d made. “C’mon, man! I made you your fake bacon. Your fake-on!” 

“You only live once,” Sam said seriously. And then he began to laugh. Soon they were all laughing, the kind of deep laugh that leaves your cheeks and belly sore for a whole day afterwards. Dean felt Cas’ fingers twine through his again and he squeezed the angel’s hand, tugging him a little closer. 

“We can clean up,” Eileen said, leaning her forehead against Sam’s shoulder. “Thank you,” she said and signed to Dean. “That was really delicious.” 

“Don’t let Sam put soap on the cast iron,” Dean said, letting Cas pull him to his feet. 

“That was one time, Dean!” Sam protested. 

“And it took me a week to get her back into shape,” Dean said. “No soap!” 

“No soap,” Eileen said. “I promise,” she added, signing. 

“Thanks, Eileen,” Dean said. He grinned at her. “It’s gonna be nice having a kid sister for once,” he said and had the distinct satisfaction of seeing Sam blush. Eileen grinned back. 

“It’ll be nice having an _older_ brother,” she said, signing the emphasis on "older". “So much wisdom and experience.” 

He put his hand over his heart. “Words hurt, Eileen,” he said. 

“What are kid sisters for?” she asked and he watched closely, trying to pick out the sign for “sister”. 

He mimicked what he thought it was. “Sister?” he asked, doing the sign again. 

Eileen nodded, her eyes going a little shiny. “Brother,” she signed back at him. She gestured at the four of them. “Family,” she signed. 

“Hell yes,” Dean said, sweeping her into another hug and kissing her cheek. She hugged him back, then pulled back, making a face. 

“When was the last time you showered?” she asked. “You stink,” she signed, wrinkling her nose. 

“She’s not wrong, Dean,” Cas said. 

“I don’t smell that bad!” Dean protested. He raised one arm and sniffed. Yikes, he really did stink. “Well why didn’t you tell me?” he asked Cas. 

“I don’t mind,” Cas said with a little shrug. 

“Aww,” Eileen said. 

“Adorable,” Sam signed at her, grinning. 

“See if I ever make you all bacon again,” Dean grumbled. 

“Love you,” Eileen signed, her expression affectionate. 

“Yeah yeah,” Dean said, returning the sign before beating a retreat to his room to pick up his shower stuff. Once he had closed the door behind Cas he hesitated. “Cas...I-You won’t be hurt if I shower alone, will you?” he asked in a rush. “I don’t know that I’m ready to, to…” 

“Be wet and naked together?” Cas asked and Dean choked on his own spit, earning him an alarmed look from the angel. “Dean?” 

“Yeah,” Dean coughed, holding up his hand. “Yeah, Cas, that.” 

Cas looked bewildered, but his answering smile was a sweet one. “I told you, Dean, I don’t need anything more than this.” 

“Well, maybe I do,” Dean said, the flirtatious remark popping out of his mouth with an ease that was almost scary. “I just...I need to go slow,” he finished, feeling lame. “I don’t want you to think I don’t...that I don’t want you, all right? I just...we’re breaking new ground for me.” 

“I understand,” Cas said. “And it’s all right, Dean. I will be here when you get back.” 

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, relief sweeping over him like a wave. The whole walk back from the kitchen he’d been worried that he’d hurt Cas’ feelings and make him feel rejected. “For understanding.” 

“Can I kiss you, before you go?” Cas asked, stepping close to him. “Or would you rather I not?” 

“You can try,” Dean teased. He caught the flash of uncertainty on Cas’ face and reached out, cupping the angel’s cheek. “That’s a yes, you dork.” 

Cas was in his space in an instant, his soft lips such a contrast with the rasp of his stubble. His breath smelled of bacon and coffee and for a second Dean got a mental image of countless mornings like this one. It was a good image and he was smiling when they broke the kiss. 

“I’ll be quick,” he promised. He hurried from his room down to the showers, where he found himself rushing to get clean. The water pressure was great, the heat was blissful, but he wanted to get back to his room. But he forced himself to slow down, to really scrub. Cas was going to be there when he got back. He was going to be there. 

So Dean took a long shower, then brushed and flossed, before donning his robe and heading back to his room. It was only as he put his hand on the doorknob that he realized that he hadn’t brought a change of clothes down with him and he was going to have to change in front of Cas. 

“In for a penny,” Dean muttered to himself as he opened the door. He grinned at the sight that greeted him. The old sheets were tossed in the laundry basket in the corner and Cas was tucking in the last hospital corner on the bed and smoothing the coverlet down. 

“The sheets smelled,” Cas said without turning around. 

“I thought you didn’t mind the smell,” Dean teased. 

“It smelled...sad,” Cas said, straightening. He gave a little shrug. “I wanted to fix it.” He looked up and met Dean’s eyes. “I’m sorry you were so sad,” he said softly, taking a step towards Dean. 

Dean felt his heart begin to beat faster as Cas approached. His throat went dry as Cas tilted his chin up and brushed his lips over Dean’s. Dean heard his shower stuff clatter to the ground as he took Cas into his arms, hugging him tightly as he kissed him back hard. “Not sad, Cas,” he said against the angel’s lips. “That’s not the right word. It _broke_ me when you sacrificed yourself, do you understand?” He shook his head, bringing his hands up to cup Cas’ cheeks. “To have you say what you did and then just be _gone_ before I could even respond…” his throat grew tight again as tears threatened. “It broke something in me that I didn’t even realize I needed to function right.” 

“Needed?” Cas asked and there was such gentle hope in his voice that some of the tears escaped before Dean could stop them. 

“Yes, Cas,” Dean said, clenching his eyes shut. “Needed.” He felt Cas’ cool hands on his cheeks, wiping the tears away. “I need you,” he said, turning and pressing his lips to one of Cas’ palms. 

“I need you too, Dean,” Cas said. He let out a little laugh. “Though I think you knew that already.” His cheeks were pink as he looked up at Dean. “You should dress before you catch a cold.” 

“You just want to get me naked,” Dean teased. There was a flash of hunger in Cas’ eyes and Dean felt his throat get dry as his heart started to pound again. 

“I’ll turn my back,” Cas said, kissing his cheek and turning to move towards the bed. Dean caught him by the wrist. 

“You don’t have to,” he croaked out. 

“I do,” Cas said, his gorgeous eyes searching Dean’s. “I waited since Creation for you, Dean. For this. I don’t want to rush you and ruin it like I have so many other things.” 

Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’. “You couldn’t,” he said. “But thanks.”

Cas nodded and sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from Dean’s bureau. “I won’t even peek,” he said with a little smile. 

Dean chuckled and hurried to dress, throwing on the first boxers, tshirt, and pajama pants that he found. “Ok,” he said when he was done. “Not naked anymore.” Cas turned and looked at him, grinning as he rose and crossed to Dean. He slid his arms around Dean’s waist, nuzzling under his chin and inhaling deeply. “Much better,” he said, his lips brushing against Dean’s adam’s apple. 

Dean shivered, his arms tightening around Cas as the angel pressed a tentative kiss to where Dean’s pulse was beating increasingly erratically in his throat. “Cas,” he whispered, the sound trailing off into a little moan of need when Cas’ tongue flicked against his skin. 

“Dean,” Cas whispered back, kissing his neck again, a little firmer this time as one of his hands slid up the back of Dean’s shirt. His mouth trailed slowly up over Dean’s jaw until he was kissing Dean again, their bodies flush against each other. 

_Fuck, he’s already hard,_ Dean thought, feeling it pressing against his hip as the kiss deepened. Not that he was far behind. His body was responding to Cas’ proximity, and taste, and the feeling of his body faster than Dean ever would have imagined. He cupped Cas’ cheek with one hand, sliding the other down to Cas’ tailbone and pulling him more firmly against himself. The friction felt good, _really_ good, and he heard himself moan the angel’s name as Cas’ lips returned to his neck. This time he alternated between sucking and licking, occasionally giving Dean a little nip that made him jump and grunt with need. 

“Is this...all right?” Cas asked, pulling back and looking up at Dean. His lips were swollen and red and his pupils were enormous. No one had ever looked at Dean that way before and it made him feel more wanted and needed than he could ever recall feeling. “Are you all right? Am I moving too fast?” 

“Whoda thunk an Angel of the Lord would be asking that question,” Dean somehow managed to say. He snorted. “Well, maybe Gabriel, but-” 

“Dean,” Cas’ voice brought him up short. “Please, I need to know that you are all right.” 

“I’m fine,” Dean said, surprised at how easily the words came and how true they were. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Cas, I promise.” He pulled his angel back against himself a little more firmly. “In fact,” he said, pitching his voice low in a way that usually drove girls crazy. “I think I ought to return the favor.” He leaned in and kissed Cas on the lips, before slowly working his way out to the angel’s jaw and down his neck. 

Cas tilted his head back immediately, baring his throat with a soft little whimper as Dean flicked his tongue against the angel’s throat. He was slow, deliberate, in part to see if he could drive his angel crazy and in part to give himself a second to get used to the idea that he was licking and sucking another man’s throat and instead of being weird or gross it was making him _drip_ as he listened to the needy little noises that Cas was making. Because ultimately, it wasn't "another man" that he was doing this with. It was Cas, his Cas, his angel, the one person who made all of the fractured pieces of his soul feel like one whole being again. 

“Yes,” Cas whispered raggedly, one of his hands in Dean’s hair as Dean gave the juncture of Cas’ throat and shoulder a gentle nip. “Dean!” 

Dean felt a shudder go through his body as his dick jerked at hearing his name whispered that way. “Fuck, Cas,” he growled into the other man’s throat. 

“I don’t-” Cas swallowed hard and Dean chased the motion of the angel’s adam’s apple with his tongue. “Dean! I don’t think you’re ready to-” 

Dean chuckled and pulled Cas in for a kiss, shaking his head. “I didn’t mean...it wasn’t, I just-damn it, Cas! The way you make me feel…” 

Cas looked up at him, his blue eyes shining so brightly that Dean could have sworn he was seeing the angel’s grace. “Yes?” 

Dean took a shuddering breath. “I think we’d better sit,” he said. 

Cas nodded and took his hand, leading him over to the bed and sitting down. Dean crawled into bed next to him and took Cas back into his arms, kissing him softly. The kiss started sweet, he had _meant_ for it to be sweet, but Cas was making all those _sounds_ and his hips had started to move restlessly against Dean’s as his hands traveled up and down Dean’s back. He was pulling Dean against him hard and Dean let him, leaning in and nipping at Cas’ collarbone through his shirt. 

Cas whimpered and Dean paused, trying to calm his breathing. “You ok?” he panted. 

“No!” Cas replied, breathing just as hard. 

Dean pulled back, shame filling him until he saw the way Cas was looking at him. “As in we should stop?” he asked, pretty sure he knew the answer. “Because we can.” 

“Please don’t stop,” Cas whispered. “I just…” he glanced away. “I don’t want to ask for anything you can’t give.” 

“I’ll decide what I can give,” Dean retorted, rocking his hips just a little just as he would have done if he were in bed with a woman. He gave Cas his best rakish smile, hoping it hid his nerves. 

“I-” Cas swallowed hard and when he spoke his voice was low and rough. “I want to feel your weight on me, Dean. I want to feel you against me on...on top of me.” His cheeks colored and Dean felt an answering blush on his own face. He shook his head. “But I don’t need it, Dean, I-” 

“You sure?” Dean teased gently pressing himself against where Cas was hard at his hip. “Cause it kinda feels different from where I’m standing.” 

Cas let out a little laugh that quickly turned to a moan as he rocked his hips against Dean. “I _want_ it,” he repeated firmly, if a little breathlessly. “But the only thing I _need_ is you, Dean. We could never do more than this. We could never even do this again, and it would have been enough to have shared it once with you.” 

“Cas,” Dean whispered, his throat going tight again as he pulled the angel in for a kiss. “You gotta stop saying things like that or I’m gonna cry.” 

“I never want to make you cry again,” Cas said. 

There wasn’t much to say to that, so Dean kissed Cas again, before leaning his forehead against the angel’s. “Are you sure that you want me to...do that?” he asked. 

“I’m sure,” Cas said. “As long as you want it too.” 

“Only one way to know for sure,” Dean said, giving him a crooked smile. Before he could second-guess himself he rolled on top of Castiel, his hands framing Cas’ face as he kissed him deeply. Cas’ arms were around him in an instant as he let out a long, soft moan, one of his legs draping over the back of Dean’s thigh. Cas felt warm and solid beneath him and Dean felt his heart pounding as he broke the kiss and looked down into Cas’ shining eyes. 

“You good?” he asked roughly, stroking his fingertips through Cas’ hair. Cas leaned into his touch, nodding. 

“That is not a big enough word,” he whispered. “Are you?” 

Dean paused, checking in with himself, before nodding. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m good.” 

“You’ll tell me if you’re not, right?” Cas asked, his eyes worried as they searched Dean’s. 

“As long as you promise to do the same,” Dean said. 

“I promise,” Cas said and he’d scarcely finished speaking before Dean’s lips were against his again. The kiss was hungrier than the previous ones had been, with Cas’ blunt nails digging into Dean’s back as Dean tried not to pull too hard on Cas’ hair. The angel’s mouth was open, moaning and panting into the kiss as his tongue sought Dean’s out and Dean arched into Cas’ touch with a moan when the angel’s hand slid up his shirt to stroke the skin of his lower back. 

“Just take it off,” Dean rumbled and Cas didn’t need to be asked twice. He pulled Dean’s shirt over his head and tossed it aside, his eyes wide as Dean reached for the bottom hem of his shirt and did the same. Heart pounding in his chest, Dean placed his palms flat on Cas’ belly as he straddled the other man’s waist and slowly slid them up, lowering his body down at the same time. Beneath him Cas was moving, his own hands at Dean’s hips as his full lips parted, eagerly accepting Dean once more. 

“Cas,” Dean moaned, shocked at how good the skin on skin contact felt. 

“Dean,” Cas whimpered back, his mouth leaving Dean’s to trail kisses down Dean’s neck to his collarbone. 

Dean shuddered and rolled to the side, off of Cas. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Cas asked, his eyes wide and a little panicky. 

Dean shook his head. “No,” he managed to rasp. “No, Cas, I just want to be able to touch you,” he said as reassuringly as he could. He slid his hand around over Cas’ ribs and began to trace his fingers up and down. Cas’ eyes fluttered shut as his lips fell open and for a long few minutes, Dean contented himself touching his angel all over his neck, shoulders, chest, and eventually, his belly. 

Cas’ eyes snapped open as Dean’s hand brushed over his belly button and his back arched up off of the bed. Dean could see a wet spot on the front of Cas’ pants and knew that there was one forming on his own as the angel moved and moaned beneath his hands. “Dean!” 

“Still doing ok?” Dean asked. _How the fuck am **I** still doing ok?_ Because the fact was, he _was_. He was having fun, even. It was Cas and things with him just felt...easy. 

Cas was breathing hard, his eyes shut as his hands moving restlessly on Dean’s back. “My...I am...very hard,” he whispered. “I won’t use the other word.” 

Dean snorted. “Much appreciated.” 

Cas’ beautiful eyes fluttered open and he grinned at Dean, his cheeks a little pink. 

“I am too, Cas,” Dean said, as though Cas couldn’t feel it. 

“I’m…” Cas let out a little laugh, reaching up to cup Dean’s cheek. “I’m still not...sure that I’m not dreaming, Dean. Or maybe Chuck stuck me in a pocket dimension somewhere and in a second I’ll look up to see you die horribly and I-” 

“Hey,” Dean whispered, pulling Cas in for a tender kiss and resting his forehead against the angel’s. “I’m here, Cas. Really. You’re home, all right? No one is ever going to take you away from me again.” Then, letting his instinct take over before his brain could interfere, Dean rolled backwards and pulled Cas along. The angel rolled with him until he was sprawled out on top of Dean. Dean let out a little grunt, Cas weighed more than he was expecting, but he was smiling as Cas nuzzled under his chin. “I’ve got you,” Dean said, pressing a kiss to the top of Cas’ head. “I’m here.” 

“Thank you,” Cas whispered and his voice sounded so rough that Dean frowned. 

“Cas, look at me,” he said. “Please?” 

Cas looked up and Dean’s heart ached at the tears that were trickling down his face. “If I had known how you were going to change me, I’m not sure that I would have had the courage to pull you from Hell,” he said in a rush. “It changed my life, Dean, and I-I don’t think I would have been brave enough.” He shook his head and turned his face away. “How can I be worthy of this when-” 

“That’s enough,” Dean said firmly, reaching up and taking hold of Cas’ chin. “Listen to me, Cas, _you_ are enough, just the way you are. You’re ‘worthy’ because I damn well say so.” He smiled, though he knew it was wobbling a bit. Fuck, but he hated to see Cas cry. “Do you hear me?” 

“Yes,” Cas whispered. “I hear you.” 

“Do you believe me?” Dean asked, brushing his thumb over the other man’s lips. 

Cas looked down into his eyes and was quiet for a moment before nodding slowly. “I’ll try,” he said. 

“I’ll take it for now,” Dean said, knowing better than to push. If anyone understood feeling like you weren’t good enough it was Dean fucking Winchester. 

“That sounds promising,” Cas said and then turned bright red, even as the mischievous smile played about his lips. 

Dean laughed, even as he felt the frisson of energy travel down his body. “Listen to you,” he teased. “Been watching Casa Erotica without me, Cas?” 

Cas kissed his neck by way of answer and Dean moaned at the feeling of Cas’ body beginning to move on top of him. One of Cas’ thighs was between his and Dean could feel himself beginning to rock against it, his body aching for friction as the angel kissed down his neck to his chest. 

As it turned out, when it wasn’t him being teased, Castiel was infuriatingly patient. He kissed and licked and nibbled over Dean’s chest, scarcely leaving a single area untouched. When the angel’s lips brushed over one of Dean’s nipples he found his back bowing off of the bed as he let out a little gasp of surprise and need. Cas switched to the other one, sucking and licking before easing his body between Dean’s legs and brushing his lips over the bottom of Dean’s ribcage. 

“Are you all right?” Cas asked, his breath ghosting over Dean’s belly. 

It took Dean a moment to be able to speak and he groped blindly for Cas’ hand. He felt the cool fingers slide through his own and finally opened his eyes. Cas’ blue eyes were almost black his pupils were so dilated, but he brought Dean’s knuckles to his lips and kissed them softly. 

“I feel like I’m going to lose my mind,” Dean said. “You’re driving me crazy, Cas.” 

“Is that...a good thing?” Cas asked and he looked so bewildered that Dean grabbed his wrist and pulled him down on top of himself. He heard Cas moan in his ear as their dicks brushed together and a shudder went through his body as he tightened his arms around his angel. 

“Do you...do you feel that?” Dean grunted, rolling his hips so that there could be no question what he was talking about. 

Cas let out a soft cry of need, but shook his head, pulling back a little. 

“Ok, ouch,” Dean said, half jokingly. “I know I’m not the biggest guy in the world, but I like to think that it’s nothing to sneeze at-” 

Cas let out a choked laugh and rested his forehead against Dean’s. “That is not what I mean,” he said. He was quiet for a moment and the way his brow furrowed told Dean that he was trying to work something out. “I know that...reaction is a physical one,” he said finally. “That can be brought on by the right food, or friction, or medication. It does not mean that you...that I…” 

“You’re right,” Dean said, his heart melting. “You’re right that it doesn’t necessarily mean that, Cas, but in this case, I promise you that it _does_. You’re driving me crazy in all the right ways, babe, and I’m not gonna lie, it’s blowing my mind a little bit.” 

“Babe?” Cas asked, cocking his head. “I am not-” 

“If you say that you’re not a child I swear, Cas-” 

“I was going to say ‘a pig in the city’,” Cas said and Dean groaned, dragging the angel down for a kiss. 

“Assbutt,” he growled against Cas’ lips. 

“ _Your_ assbutt,” Cas corrected and Dean could only nod. They kissed for a long time before Cas pulled back and looked down at him. “Am I squishing you?” he asked, suddenly sounding worried. 

Dean shook his head. “You feel good,” he said, his hands resting easily on Cas’ lower back. “This does.” 

“I only ever want to make you feel good, Dean,” Cas breathed in a soft, needy voice that went straight to Dean’s dick. He let out a little growl of need and he knew when he met his angel’s eyes that it had been intentional. Cas kissed his throat again, then nipped him harder than he had previously, startling a sharp cry of need from Dean as he rocked against Cas. 

“Cas,” Dean growled. “Fuck, you’re not playing fair.” 

Cas snorted and flicked his tongue against the hollow of Dean’s throat. “What would you know about playing fair, Dean Winchester?” 

Dean grinned at the hint of challenge that he heard in Cas’ voice and reached out, grabbing Cas by the hair and pulling just hard enough to elicit a soft hiss from Cas. The other man’s eyes found his as Cas licked his lips. “I want to make you feel so good, Dean,” Cas whispered, one of his hands coming up to splay over Dean’s belly, his fingertips moving in slow circles that moved tantalizingly close to the waistband of Dean’s pajama pants. His words were so earnest and there was deep sweetness in his tone, but all of that love was matched by the _hunger_ in Cas’ eyes. “Only good,” he breathed against Dean’s belly, flicking his tongue out just below Dean’s belly button. 

“Cas wait!” His breath was coming fast now, too fast, and Cas pulled back immediately, sliding off of Dean’s body with a stricken look. 

“Dean? Did I hurt you? Did I-” 

Dean shook his head, swallowing hard. His hand shook when he reached for Cas and pulled him close, turning on his side so that their chests touched again. “I’m ok,” he said after a moment. “I’m ok I just...I’m not ready for you to, for us to…” he let out a shuddering breath and felt shame at the horror on Cas’ face. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “I swear, Cas.” He let out a choked laugh. “It felt good, what you were doing. So damn good, but I-I just I’m not ready to have you...to have you…” 

“For me to take you into my mouth,” Cas said and it almost undid Dean right then. He shuddered hard and felt the angels’ arms tighten around him. “I am sorry, Dean,” Cas said, sounding miserable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” 

“It’s ok,” Dean whispered, pulling Cas in for a kiss. “It’s ok. I’m ok. I just got a little spooked, that’s all.” He laughed, hearing the brittle edge to it. “I can’t fault your enthusiasm.” He stroked his fingers through the hair at the base of Cas’ skull. “You felt good,” he said after a quiet moment. “Really, _really_ good, Cas. I just...I’ve never had another guy do that and I think I need to-to work up to it, is all.” 

Cas blinked up at him and there was that hope again. “You don’t want me to leave?” he asked and he sounded so worried that it made Dean’s belly ache. 

“Of course not,” Dean whispered. “Of course I don’t want you to leave. I don’t even want you to _stop_ , not really, but I know that I’m not ready to go that far.” He wanted to do something, to give Cas _something_ to show him how badly he was wanted. “Give me your hand,” he said, sliding his arm behind Cas’ head and pulling the angel against him. Cas did and Dean brought it to his belly, sliding it down until they had reached the place he had called a halt. “I trust you,” he said softly. “I trust you, Cas. Just...go slow, ok? We’ve got time.” 

“You want me to touch you?” Cas asked, sounding hopeful and breathless and worried and it was all so sweet that it made Dean’s eyes burn. Fuck, when had he become so emotional. 

“Yeah,” Dean whispered. “I do.” 

“Will you touch me too?” Cas asked. “If you don’t want to, I understand! I’m not-” 

“Do you want me to?” Dean asked, cutting him off as his heart began to pound against his ribcage. “Touch you, I mean.” 

“Yes!” Cas breathed, leaning in and kissing Dean hungrily. 

“I’m all yours, Cas,” Dean said and when the words left his lips he felt them burned into the air around them as starkly as any angelic sigil. 

“As I am yours,” Cas replied. His gorgeous eyes were wide as they met Dean’s. “You’re sure?” 

“I’m sure,” Dean said. 

And then Cas’ hand, his cool, gentle, strong hand began to slide down his body and then his fingers were brushing over Dean’s dick through his pajama pants and Dean was making sounds that he couldn’t remember ever making in his life. He reached down, intending just to brush his fingers over Cas, but at the touch of the angel’s fingers on the head of his dick, even through clothes, Dean’s hand wrapped around Cas of its own accord as Dean let out a long, low moan. Cas cried out at the touch, his hips instantly starting to move as he pumped himself into Dean’s grasp. 

“Easy,” Dean whispered as much to himself as to Cas, knowing that both of them were already getting close to the edge. “Easy, babe, pull it back.” For his part, he loosened his grip, holding Cas lightly and running his thumb around the head of his dick. He felt Cas begin to mimic his actions, _blind leading the blind_ , he thought, but it felt _good_ and Cas was making those desperate noises and nothing fucking mattered except holding his angel close and letting their bodies build their pleasure together. 

“Does this, does this feel good?” Cas panted, his breath ghosting over Dean’s lips. 

“Amazing,” Dean managed to gasp. “You?” 

“There-there are not words,” Cas said and then whimpered when Dean tightened his hand, gripping the angel through his pants. “Dean! Please-” 

“What do you need, Cas?” Dean asked, though his body was begging for the same thing. Fuck, it had never been this quick, not in his life, but Cas was moving so sweetly against him and the sounds the angel made were driving him insane. “What do you want?” 

“I want to make you feel good,” Cas whispered, his cheeks coloring. “I want to bring you to fruition.” 

“Not sexy,” Dean teased, rubbing his nose against Cas’. Ok, it kind of was, but only because of the hunger in Cas’ expression. “Come on, Cas. Tell me what you need, the way the pizza man would.” 

Cas grinned at him, the expression so wild and joyful that Dean couldn’t help but grin like an idiot back. The angel leaned in, catching Dean’s earlobe in his teeth. When he spoke his voice was lower, rougher. 

“I want you to cum.” 

Dean’s body was outside of his control now as he let out a wild laugh that ended in a sharp cry as Cas began to stroke him quickly, his glorious eyes fixed on Dean’s face. “For me, Dean,” Cas said simply. “Please.” 

And it was so hot and so sweet and so good that Dean gave himself over to it. His body grew tense, his back began to bow off the bed and his hand was on Cas’ shoulder gripping him so tightly that his fingers hurt. “Cas!” Dean groaned. “Fuck, Cas! I’m going to-” 

Cas’ lips were back at his ear as his hand pumped up and down on Dean’s cock and even through pants it felt incredible and then he heard his angel’s voice. “I love you, Dean.” 

And that was all it took. 

Suddenly he was spasming against Castiel, his cries of pleasure swallowed by Cas as his hungry lips found Deans and kissed him hard. Cas slowed his pace through the aftershocks, whispering endearments as Dean came down. When Dean finally came back to himself, Cas was watching him. “Are you all right, Dean?” Cas asked just innocently enough that Dean narrowed his eyes. 

“No one likes a smug angel,” he growled, beginning to stroke Cas again. 

Cas cried out, his head falling back as his lips parted, and Dean wasted no time in giving him an open-mouthed kiss to the neck as he stroked. It felt less strange than he expected, though maybe he was still riding his own high, but Dean was nothing if not an efficient man, and soon he had Cas moaning and writhing, his hand fisting in Dean’s hair as Dean pushed him inexorably towards the edge. “Dean _please,_ ” Cas begged and Dean felt his own dick twitch and jerk as it made a spirited attempt to orgasm again. _Fuck_ , what Cas did to him. Dean had never been like this, this out of control and needy and desperate to hear someone scream his name as they came. 

“I’ve got you, Cas,” Dean growled into Cas’ ear, stroking faster, He flicked his tongue, tasting the outer shell of Cas’ ear and grinning at the way the angel moaned his name. “I’ve got you. It’s ok. Let it go, Cas, for me. Cum, for me.” He took a deep breath and kissed Cas just behind the ear. “I love you, Castiel.” 

Cas went abruptly still and then his body began to thrash as a ragged wail of need and release poured from his lips. Dean kissed him belatedly, though he was sure they’d just given Sam and Eileen a show, but none of that mattered, because Cas was bucking against his hand, moaning and whimpering something that sounded like Dean’s name even through the kiss. Finally Cas gave a great shudder and caught Dean’s wrist with a soft little laugh. “I can’t take anymore,” Cas whispered. He looked up at Dean and there were tears in his eyes. “Thank you,” he said softly, almost reverently. “That was…” 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, kissing him tenderly. He glanced down and winced at the wet spot on the front of his pants. “Come on,” he said with a tired smile. “Let’s get cleaned up.” 

“What if I want to stay this way?” Cas asked sleepily and Dean’s body reacted so strongly to that that he forgot how to breathe for a second. 

“Not sanitary,” he managed to rasp out. “Come on, Cas. You just changed the sheets and I’ve got more pants.” 

With a discontented sigh, Cas did as he asked, shucking his now wet boxers and pajama bottoms for new ones. Dean did the same and then crawled into bed next to the angel, pulling Cas’ head against his chest and stroking his fingers through the angel’s hair. 

“Was that all right?” Cas asked after a few minutes of peaceful silence. “You didn’t...that wasn’t...I didn’t make you do anything, right?” 

“It was perfect, Cas,” Dean said, and meant it. “I-I’m just sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sure I’ll get there, I just-” 

Cas silenced him with a kiss. “I’m in no rush, Dean,” he said. His lips curled into a self-deprecating little smile. “Well, not as long as you aren’t touching me like _that_. I feel...differently about it when you are.” 

Dean chuckled. “Yeah,” he said, pressing his lips to Cas’ hair. “That’s usually how it goes. But, no. No rush. We’re good, Cas. Better than good.” He looked down to find the angel’s eyes on him. “I meant it, you know,” he said softly, brushing his thumb over Cas’ cheekbone. “I _do_ love you, Cas. I’m just sorry it took me so long to tell you.” 

Cas kissed him so sweetly that they both had tears standing in their eyes at the end of it. “I love you too, Dean,” he said, giving Dean that lopsided smile that made his heart turn over. “And it’s all right. Some things are worth waiting for.”


	2. The River is Silver, the Shadows are Fleeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up from a nightmare that leads to a tender conversation with Cas. The two of them begin to expand what intimacy looks like for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from the "Elves Lullaby" that the elves of Rivendell sing to Bilbo Baggins and belongs to J.R.R Tolkien

_It smelled of moldy hay and damp wood and beneath his feet the dirt crunched on the floor, scattering over the white painted sigils as Dean turned in a slow circle. He knew this place. The white lamps that hung from the ceiling, the table laid out with all the weapons they had, the stark black sigils on the walls._

_And then, if he’d had any doubts, the tin roof began to creak and rattle as a great wind blew. The lights above blew out in a shower of sparks as lightning flashed outside and the barn doors blew open and a figure stepped inside._

_Dean took a step forward, ignoring the weapons on the table. This was where he had met Castiel for the first time._

_But it wasn’t Castiel who approached._

_It was Chuck, looking around at the walls with that stupid fucking smile on his face._

_“Man,” Chuck said, meeting Dean’s eyes. “If only Becky and the other fangirls could see how deeply entrenched in your mind this moment was, they’d have a field day.”_

_“Go to Hell,” Dean growled. “And get the hell out of my head.”_

_“Eloquent as always,” Chuck said, summoning a chair and plopping down in it. “So tell me Dean, how was it, feeling so happy and complete there for a sec?”_

_Dean’s stomach dropped, but he did his best to keep his expression neutral._

_“Come on,” Chuck said. “I mean, you didn’t really think that you **beat** me...just like that, did you? That you were able to triumph over me so completely, that Jack would bring back your boyfriend so that you guys could have your ‘very special episode’ moment together?” He snorted, but there was no mirth at all in his eyes when he looked up at Dean. “Good to know what happiness looks like to you though, Dean. You finally admit what your fans have known forever, only to lose it.”_

_And then Chuck snapped his fingers and Castiel was there, but not as he had been that night. Not a terrifying, absolute, and unearthly figure._

_No, this was Cas in the new, beautiful way that he’d been with Dean. This was vulnerable, worried, loving Cas who was the man Dean loved._

_“Hello, Castiel,” Chuck said, making a little gesture with his fingertips. Chains sprung from the floor and wrapped around Cas’ wrists like snakes, binding them together before shooting up into the rafters and yanking Cas’ arms over his head so that he stood with his tiptoes barely touching the ground._

_“Dean?” Cas cried out as Dean stared at him with horror._

_Dean took a step towards Chuck. “Damn it, Chuck-”_

_“No,” Chuck said, holding up a hand and closing his fist. There was a flash of light and Castiel jerked against his bonds, letting out an awful cry of pain and Dean froze. “No, you **dared** to try and trick your way out of what you had coming and you think I’m just going to let it **go?** ”_

_“Do whatever you want with me,” Dean said immediately. “Come on, Chuck, let him go.”_

_Chuck ignored him. “He doesn’t love you, you know,” Chuck said to Cas, glancing at where the angel struggled against his bonds. “Not in the way you love him. He loves you like you love the family dog. Like a **pet**.” _

_“Dean?” and then there were Cas’ eyes, wide and sad and breaking Dean’s heart._

_“Tell him, Dean,” Chuck said, giving Dean a meaningful look over his shoulder as an archangel blade appeared behind his back. “Tell him how you **really** feel. That for all these years, all he’s been is a battery pack to you and your brother. Your ace in the hole, the pet angel that has always been such a useful **tool**.”_

_“That’s not true,” Castiel said with such certainty that Dean thought he might vomit with guilt. “Dean, tell him it’s not true.”_

_The words stuck in Dean’s throat and he saw Chuck smile that fucking infuriating smile._

_“Dean?” Cas said again, and there was a tiny hint of fear in his voice that made Dean clench his eyes shut so that he didn’t have to see Cas looking at him. “Please tell him.”_

_“Sorry Cas,” Dean forced himself to say and it felt like swallowing glass. “But he’s right.”_

_“No,” Cas said immediately. “No, Dean, I know what I felt. I know that you feel it too.” His eyes were wide and panicky as he looked back and forth between Dean and Chuck. “He’s making you say these things, to hurt me, to hurt **you**. The other night we-”_

_“We were just blowing off steam,” Dean interrupted, forcing himself to shrug. “That’s all, Cas. It didn’t mean anything.”_

_“It **did** ,” Cas said, but his eyes had begun to shine as the tears trickled down his face. “It did, Dean, I know that it did!”_

_Chuck took a step closer to the angel, glancing back at Dean and nodding his head a tiny bit towards the blade. Dean’s heart was pounding as he forced himself to meet Cas’ eyes, his expression as cold as he could manage._

_“Look,” Dean said. “You have always been a useful part of the team, all right? No one is denying that. You’ve gotten us out of a lot of real close situations.”_

_Cas’ voice was rough as he shook his head back and forth. “Dean-”_

_“And you and I had some fun, and that’s all fine, but that’s all it was. A little fun. It didn’t mean anything-”_

_“It meant **everything**!” Cas replied, his voice cracking. “Dean, you said that you-”_

_“Why you gotta make it, weird, Cas?” Dean interrupted, his nails cutting into his palms as he clenched his hands into fists._

_Abruptly the angel went silent and Dean knew that he’d accurately chosen what words would hurt Cas the most._

_“You said you loved me,” Cas whispered. “You said it, and it was **true** ,” and the desperate hope was back in his voice and Dean’s heart was breaking as he forced himself to look up at Cas and give a little shrug._

_“It’s just a thing people say when they’re fooling around,” he said. “That’s all.”_

_“No,” Cas whispered, shaking his head. “Dean, please-” he cried out with pain as Chuck gestured and his bonds fell away, letting Cas drop to the floor. Instantly he was on his feet and approaching Dean and reaching for him with one hand. “Dean?”_

_Dean looked at his hand, and then up into his eyes, and forced himself to take a step back._

_Castiel froze and Dean heard the angel’s breath catch in his throat. “Dean,” he said in an awful, broken little voice. “Please…”_

_But Dean just stood there biting the inside of his cheek to keep from crying as he watched the angel sink to his knees, Cas’ head dropping as a broken, ragged sob ripped from his lips. “You’re lying,” Cas whispered. “You’re lying, you’re lying, you’re lying…” He wrapped his arms around his middle and kept repeating the words in a horrible, heart-breaking monotone._

_It sounded like a prayer._

_“They’d eat this up on the forums,” Chuck said, shaking his head. “Those fanfic writers do love their angst.” And then the archangel blade was at Cas’ throat as Chuck yanked his head back by his hair. “Anything you want to say to Dean, Castiel?” he asked. “Before you’re written out of the story?”_

_“Chuck!” Dean took a step forward and saw the lifeless, lost look in Cas’ eyes that told him that he’d broken his angel’s heart._

_“I love you, Dean,” Cas whispered. “Even if you never loved me, I-”_

_Dean was knocked back by the force of the explosion and somewhere in the distance he heard himself screaming Cas’ name. His ears were ringing when he lurched to his feet._

_“No,” he whispered as he staggered into the sooty outline of an angel’s wings. And then there was the trenchcoat, and the tie, and the striking blue eyes that had already glazed over with death. “CAS!”_

_He didn’t even care when Chuck grabbed him by the collar and lifted him into the air. “You should have accepted your fate,” Chuck snarled. “Then at least Cas could have died happy.” He let Dean drop, and Dean did, grasping wildly for Cas’ hand as he knelt next to the angel sobbing._

_“I’m sorry, Cas!” he choked out. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I was lying, you have to know that I was-”_

“Dean?”

Dean jerked awake, the sob still on his lips as he struggled to sit up. “Cas!”

He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to find himself looking into Cas’ very much alive and very much confused eyes. “Dean? What’s wrong? You were saying my name. Apologizing for lying about something, I-”

Dean lurched forward and kissed him hard, one of his hands on Cas’ cheek, the other in his hair. Cas let out a soft sound of surprise before folding Dean into his arms, holding him just as tightly. The kiss felt good, it felt _real_ , but Dean found himself pulling back and cupping both of Cas’ cheeks as he looked into the angel’s eyes.

“Dean what’s w-”

“You know that I love you, right?” Dean asked. “Right, Cas?”

“Dean-”

His fear made him bold and the next words came easily. “You know that I’m _in love_ with you, and no one, not even Chuck could ever change that, right?” 

Cas’ hands were cool as they wiped Dean’s tears away. Shit, he hadn’t even realized he was crying. “Yes,” Cas said gently. “I know, Dean.” He blushed and it was so adorable that Dean felt his heart rate slow down, just a little. “I still can’t quite believe it,” he said with a soft chuff of laughter. “But I do!” he rushed to add. “And I love you too.” He pulled Dean in and kissed him tenderly. 

Dean relaxed into the kiss, letting Cas pull him back against the angel’s chest. It was Cas who broke the kiss this time, brushing his lips over Dean’s forehead as Dean leaned against his chest. “Bad dream?” Cas asked, one of his hands smoothing up and down Dean’s back. 

“Understatement,” Dean grunted. Before he could chicken out he launched into a description of his nightmare. He had a hard time looking at Cas during it, but when he finally finished speaking Cas took hold of his chin and made him.

“Dean,” the angel hesitated, appearing to collect his thoughts. “I love you,” he said after a moment. “For whatever it is worth, I think that in that situation it would take more than you lying to me to break my faith.”

“Cas,” Dean whispered, leaning his forehead against the angel’s. 

“You have shown me your love in a thousand real, tangible ways that have made it as much a part of me as my Grace,” Cas said. “You have fought at my side, fought for me, allowed yourself to grow to trust me again, even after I betrayed you. You showed me what it meant to be human, and why it was valuable. You have taught me what it meant to have a family. You taught me how to tell a joke, though I acknowledge that it is still not my strongest suit.” 

Dean let out a quiet laugh in spite of himself and when Cas’ lips found his he could tell the angel was smiling as well. Cas pulled back and his tone turned serious once more.

“You have shown me through your actions that you are someone upon whom I can always rely and because of that...because of that what we share is as foundational to my being as the carbon is to yours.” Even as close as they were, Dean could see the blush coloring the other man’s cheeks. “Even when I would never have allowed myself to believe that you might want me in the ways I want you, I _never_ could doubt your love.”

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean managed to grit out through the tears that had begun to flow again. “Making me cry again.” He looked into Cas’ eyes and held them as he kissed the other man softly. “I have no idea how someone as fucked up as me could be that for you, but-”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, Dean,” Cas said with a shrug. “You never do.” His lips curled into a tender smile. “Except when you give yourself too much.”

“Too much, eh?” Dean asked, feeling the last of the awful tension leave his chest. He was home. They were home. He leaned in and nipped at Cas’ collarbone before dragging his tongue along it. “You sure about that?”

Cas laughed and caught his chin, pulling him in for another kiss. When they pulled back Dean rested his head against Cas’ shoulder, closing his eyes. They were silent for a moment before Cas spoke. “I find it galling that when I think of the being who created me, I believe that your nightmare sounds like precisely something he would do.” 

“You aren’t the only one,” Dean said with a snort. “What a dick.” 

“I won’t let him hurt you again,” Cas said firmly. “I promise you that I would keep the faith, no matter what he did or you said.”

“I won’t let him hurt you either,” Dean swore, leaning forward and kissing Cas hard. The angel moaned into the kiss, his lips parting, and Dean responded eagerly as Cas pulled him closer and gently eased him down on the bed, stretching out on top of Dean and rubbing his nose against Dean’s. He kissed the corner of Dean’s lips and then down his jaw, working his way into Dean’s throat. Dean moaned, caught off guard as Cas gently pushed his chin up to gain better access, licking and nipping and sucking his way up to Dean’s ear. There he nipped Dean’s earlobe and Dean heard himself make the most plaintive sound of need that he could ever recall making.

“You make a lot of sounds,” Cas observed, his breath humid against Dean’s ear. “It is...having an effect on me.”

“Yeah?” Dean somehow managed to grunt. “What kind of effect?” Of course, he could feel Cas’ length hard against his hip, but he found himself wanting to hear the angel say it.

“Surely you can feel,” Cas said a little wryly. “I know that I am not the biggest guy in the world,” Cas said and Dean could hear the smile in his voice as his lips as Cas repeated Dean’s words from the night before. “But I like to think that it’s nothing to sneeze at.”

Dean laughed and shook his head. “It’s not,” he said, then blushed because he was definitely talking about the size of another man’s dick in a complimentary way and it was weird how not weird it was. 

“It’s not what?” Cas asked and it was then that Dean realized that there was no way he was going to win this particular game of chicken. Cas would just act innocent until Dean broke. 

“You know damn well what,” Dean growled, reaching down and giving Cas a sharp squeeze on the ass. He wasn’t prepared for the way Cas shuddered at his touch, or the soft little mewl of need that the angel let out right in his ear. “I’d like to hear you talk dirty, Cas,” he admitted before catching Cas’ lips with his own. 

“I have never done that,” Cas said, and he sounded so uncertain all of a sudden that it was adorable. 

“Yeah, well, I’ve never kissed another dude before,” Dean retorted. “Or had one on top of me. Or had one stroke my-” he paused and heard a breathless little laugh from Cas.

“Manhood?”

Dean growled and rolled abruptly, pinning Cas beneath him as he glowered down at the angel, who was grinning up at him. “We talked about that word,” he said. 

“What word should I have said?” Cas asked, widening his eyes and cocking his head, his lips just slightly parted. “You don’t like that one, or the other two I said yesterday.”

“You’re gonna make me say it.”

“You were going to make me say it,” Cas said. He rocked his hips a little, making Dean grunt at the friction. Then he stilled, his expression worried. 

“What’s wrong?” Dean asked, easing his body sideways off of Cas’ slightly so that he could wrap his arm around the angel’s waist. 

“I suspect I am once again going to be a disappointment,” Cas said, his voice quiet. “Because I think I know the word that you want me to use and I-I don’t think I can.”

“I’ll bite,” Dean said, kissing Cas on the cheek. “What word is that?”

“Dick,” Cas said and Dean felt his twitch in response. He swallowed his sound of need, sensing that Cas was working up to something important. “It’s straightforward, like you. ‘All-American’,” Cas said, making air quotes. 

It was weird how sweet it was that Cas had guessed his preferences with such precision. “Winner winner, chicken dinner,” Dean teased gently. “That’d be my pick. But it’s ok if you don’t like it, Cas. I’ve already vetoed three of yours.” He caressed Cas’ cheek and leaned in to give him a kiss, but Cas pulled away.

“Don’t you want to know why?” Cas asked.

“If you want to tell me,” Dean said, feeling his brow furrow as he looked at Cas. “But you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to. I won’t use the word if you don’t like it.” He dropped his hand and stroked it up and down Cas’ side.

“It reminds me too much of Dick Roman and the Leviathans and the...choices I made,” Cas whispered, not meeting his eyes. “Of my hubris. It interferes with the word being...arousing for me.”

“Sweetheart,” Dean whispered, surprising himself with the choice of endearment as he released Cas’ hand and pulled Cas against him tightly. “Damn, I didn’t mean to bring all that up. I was just trying to, to…”

“Be playful,” Cas replied, his voice just as quiet. “I know. I just...I wanted to tell you. I’m sorry if it...if you...if I’m not-”

“Stop,” Dean said, kissing him gently. “You’re fine, Cas. It’s ok that you have your stuff, all right?”

“But you like that word,” Cas said, and the adorable puppy-dog look was back.

“And you don’t,” Dean said firmly. “This isn’t only about what I want, Cas. It’s never gonna be. What you want and need matters too.” He hugged Cas to him. “It matters more than you know, Cas, at least to me.”

Cas snuggled under his chin, his arms tightening around Dean’s waist. “Thank you,” he said, his breath warm and wet against Dean’s throat. “I love you, Dean.”

“I love you, too,” Dean replied, tilting his head down to meet Cas’ upturned lips. The angel moaned into the kiss, his arms going around Dean’s neck as he pressed his body to Dean’s. There was a panicky urgency to the kiss as Cas’ hand slid up the back of Dean’s shirt and clutched at his shoulder. “I’ve got you,” Dean said. “I’ve got you, babe, it’s all right.”

“Dean, I don’t...I don’t understand how I can be what you want,” Cas whispered. “I know that I am odd, and awkward, and more than a little bit broken, and there’s the matter of the penis-”

“Like I’m some prize,” Dean said, choking back a startled laugh because he could feel how sincere Cas was being and didn’t want him to feel like he was being mocked. “Like I’m not fucking broken, Cas.”

“I think you’re a prize,” Cas said and there was such gentle honesty in his words that Dean felt his heart climb up into his throat. 

“Well, likewise,” Dean said and grinned when Cas blushed. He kissed the tip of the angel’s nose. _I’m turning into such a sap,_ he thought, but found he didn’t mind. 

“Dean,” Cas whispered, leaning in for a kiss.

“Cas,” Dean replied before kissing the angel hard, parting his lips immediately as he slid his hand down over Cas’ tailbone and tugged him flush against his body. He could feel how hard Cas was against him and it blew his mind a little how much it made him ache to reach down and touch to hear the sounds that Cas was making the night before.

“Dean....you are hard,” Cas whispered, his slightly more narrow hips moving against Dean’s as he ground his body against him.. 

“What’s hard?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow. “Tell me the word you want me to use, Cas.”

Cas blushed, but didn’t look away. He took a deep breath and leaned closer, his lips brushing Dean’s ear. “Dean your...your cock is hard.”

Dean felt a shudder go through his body and as hard as he’d been before, now it was almost painful. “Damn, Cas,” he murmured. 

“Is that...do you hate it?” Cas asked, looking suddenly uncertain. 

Dean laughed softly, stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Nah,” he said. “I don’t hate it. As long as it works for you and it isn’t ‘tumescence’, I’m good.” He felt his cheeks get warm. “To be honest...it works for me more than I was expecting to hear you say it.”

He felt the angel relax slightly against him and then Cas’ lips were at his ear again. “I’d like to touch your cock, Dean,” he said, sounding a little more confident. 

Dean moaned, his grip on Cas tightening without meaning to. Cas arched into Dean’s touch, gasping softly. “Cas!”

“May I?” Cas asked and Dean nodded eagerly. Cas nibbled his jawline, shaking his head. “I need you to tell me,” he said softly. “I need you to be sure.”

“Cas, if you don’t, I think I’m gonna lose my mind!” Dean growled. “Yes, you can touch me! You can always touch me!”

Cas’ eyes were shining as he smiled at Dean. “I will keep checking,” he said softly.

Dean leaned in and kissed Cas on the lips, then on the forehead. “I love you for that,” he said gruffly. The words had scarcely left his mouth before Cas’ hand had slid down his body to brush over Dean’s cock. “Cas!” he hissed, arching his back at the gentle touch of the angel’s fingertips. Cas didn’t grip him this time, instead he traced his fingers up and down slowly, occasionally stroking in circles over the head of Dean’s cock. Dean could feel himself growing wetter as he rocked his hips, gripping Cas’ shoulder as he struggled to be quiet. “You feel so good,” he whispered, watching as Cas stroked him, his expression serious and intent. 

“I just want to make you feel good,” Cas said, moving down Dean’s body and kissing his collarbone. 

“You do,” Dean growled, as Cas continued to kiss down. The angel’s hands were gentle as they pushed Dean’s shirt up and Dean moaned as Cas leaned in and licked Dean’s nipple.

“You have a fetish,” Dean teased, lightly resting his hand on the back of Cas’ head. 

Cas made a happy sound and took Dean’s nipple between his teeth, moaning softly as he tugged, then licked. His hand was gentle on Dean’s cock as he sucked Dean’s nipple and Dean couldn’t help but gasp, arching into Cas’ touch. Cas switched to his other nipple and tightened his hand on Dean’s cock at the same time, and Dean let out an embarrassing whimper of need, clutching at Cas’ hair.

Cas flicked his tongue against Dean’s nipple then pulled back. “I like how you sound,” he said simply. “When I touch you that way.” His expression was a tender one as he smiled down at Dean, stroking his thumb over the head of Dean’s cock through his pajama pants. “You’re so wet,” he said with wonder. “Dean I-” he flushed and hesitated, his hand continuing to move up and down. “I want to taste you.”

Dean’s body tensed so hard that it robbed him of his breath for a moment. “Cas-” he gritted out. “I-I’ve never done that with a man before.” He caressed the angel’s cheek, his brow furrowing as he looked down at him.

“I know,” Cas said. “I just...you asked me to ‘talk dirty’ and I-I thought-”

“Oh!” Dean said, blushing bright red. “If that’s all, I-”

“I _would_ like to taste you, Dean,” Cas said and Dean felt his breath catch in his throat. “But I can wait.”

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean growled. “No one likes a tease.”

“You do,” Cas said, kissing Dean just below the belly button and flicking his tongue over the hairs that lead down. He smiled up at Dean and Dean couldn’t help but smile back, though he did roll his eyes. “I could stop, if you would prefer,” Cas said, his hand on Dean’s cock abruptly stilling. 

Dean groaned and saw the flash of triumph on Cas’ face. “Please don’t stop,” he said. “I’m all yours, Cas.” He swallowed hard and reached down to caress Cas’ cheek. “I trust you,” he said hoarsely. “You can do...whatever you want.”

It was impossible to miss the hunger in Cas’ eyes as he looked up at Dean, but there was concern as well. “You have to promise to stop me if you become uncomfortable,” Cas said, moving to kneel between Dean’s legs.

“I promise,” Dean said, feeling his heart begin to pound again. Was he really going to do this? Was he really going to let Cas suck him off like it was no big deal? 

Cas leaned in and brushed his lips over Dean’s cock through his pants and Dean gasped at the fleeting contact, a shudder going through his body. 

It was happening.

His gorgeous eyes never leaving Dean’s, Cas began to press feather-light kisses from the tip of Dean’s cock down along the shaft. One of his hands was splayed across Dean’s belly, the other rested lightly on Dean’s hip. “Are you all right?” Cas whispered, pausing. 

“I think so,” Dean replied.

“You are gripping the sheets very hard for being all right,” Cas said, glancing over at where Dean’s hand was indeed fisted in the sheets. “I can stop.”

Dean shook his head, searching for the words to make the angel understand. “I...I’m nervous, Cas,” he said, forcing himself to release the sheets. 

“I would never hurt you, Dean,” Cas said and he sounded so hurt and worried that it broke Dean’s heart. “You do not have to be afraid.”

“It’s not you,” Dean said immediately, putting his hand over Cas’ where it rested on his hip. “I just...I’ve never done this with a man before, Cas, and it’s just...different.”

“For what it is worth,” Cas said with an adorable, crooked little smile. “I have never done it either.”

Dean smiled back, feeling the butterflies in his stomach. “Just go slow,” he said. “Please?”

To his surprise, Cas slid up his body, snuggling against his side and draping his leg over Deans and giving Dean a tender kiss. His tongue was gentle as it flicked against Dean’s lips, and Dean parted them with a moan, holding Cas firmly against him. 

“I didn’t mean stop,” Dean grumbled against his angel’s lips.

“You did,” Cas said, kissing Dean’s cheek and along his jaw. “You just want to give me what I want.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Dean asked, turning his head and catching Cas’ lips, drawing him into a deep kiss that left them both breathing hard.

“If it is not what you want, yes,” Cas said firmly. “I told you, Dean, I am in no rush.”

Dean looked down at the other man and shook his head. “You’ve changed, Cas,” he said with a little smile. “You’re a lot better at reading people than you used to be.”

“Not people,” Cas said wryly. “My ‘people skills’ are ‘rusty’.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I just know _you_ , Dean. Or at least, I think that I do.” He blushed and looked suddenly uncertain. “I did not mean to presume-”

“You aren’t,” Dean said, smiling fondly at Cas. “You _do_ know me, Cas. So well it's a little scary.” He took a deep breath and then began to kiss along Cas’ jaw, out to his neck, and down to his collarbone. Cas moaned beneath him as Dean rolled him onto his back and continued to kiss down. Their shirts were discarded quickly and Dean stroked his fingertips over Cas’ chest and belly, loving the uneven way Cas was breathing as the angel watched him. 

“You are so gentle,” Cas said, watching him through lidded eyes. 

Dean raised an eyebrow. “Should I be insulted by how surprised you sound?” he teased. “Were you expecting me to paw at you like some sort of rank amateur?”

“I would not object,” Cas said, his lip curling upwards just a little.

Dean grunted as his cock gave a little twitch. It was unnerving how Cas just...said those little things that got to him so deeply. “Good to know,” he somehow managed to say as he leaned down and kissed Cas on the chest. The angel arched up into his touch, one of his hands sliding up into Dean’s hair as the other rested lightly on Dean’s shoulder. Dean had to admit, Cas’ groans as Dean licked and sucked his nipples made the need thrum through his body. He continued down before he could lose his nerve, nipping along the bottom of Cas’ ribcage and then dragging his tongue down until he was flicking it against Cas’ happy trail like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Above him Cas was moaning softly, his hips moving beneath Dean as Dean lifted the waistband of Cas’ pajama pants and flicked his tongue underneath it. 

“Dean!” Cas moaned.

“Feel good?” Dean breathed against Cas’ skin.

“Amazing,” Cas said. “I’m so hard, Dean. I need…” he swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I need you,” he finished quietly.

“What do you need?” Dean asked. “What do you want me to do?”

“Everything,” Cas whimpered and Dean’s cock jerked at the raw _need_ in the angel’s voice. 

Dean took a deep breath. _You can do this,_ he told himself as he looked up at the man he loved and caught the bald adoration scrawled across the angel’s face. That decided him, and, before he could talk himself out of it, he leaned in and brushed his lips over Cas’ cock through his pajamas. Instantly Cas’ hand tightened in his hair as he moaned, his hips jerking.

“Dean!”

“I promise you’ll have everything I have to give,” Dean said, and meant every word. He twined his fingers through Cas’ and squeezed. “I’m sorry if it’s slow going, but I swear you’ll have everything I can give you, Cas.” He leaned in and kissed Cas’ cock again, more slowly this time. His stomach did a somersault at the feeling of Cas hard beneath his lips and the way that Cas whimpered his name. He pulled back and kissed his way back up Cas’ body, ending at Cas’ lips. There, that hadn’t been so bad, and if the way Cas was looking up at him was any indication, it had gotten the message across. 

“I don’t care if it’s slow,” Cas said in a soft, ragged voice. “I don’t care Dean, so long as I have you. That’s all I have ever needed.”

Dean’s throat grew tight and his eyes began to burn and he gritted his teeth, shaking his head. “Stop that,” Dean growled, nipping Cas’ lips before kissing them hard.

“Stop what?” Cas asked a little breathlessly, his hands gripping Dean’s back tight as his hips moved.

“Being so damn sweet,” Dean said, stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. “You keep making me get all emotional when all I want to do is-” the words caught in his throat as he realized that he wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted to do. He just wanted to have his hands on Cas, and his mouth. He wanted to hear the angel moan. He wanted to feel the easy intimacy that he’d felt the night before. 

“All you want to do is what?” Cas asked, his eyes wide. He actually looked nervous, and it yanked at Dean’s heart. 

Dean let out a self-deprecating laugh. “See, this is where if you were a woman, I’d know exactly what to say.”

“What would you say if I was a woman?” Cas asked, beginning to stroke his fingertips in circles on Dean’s back. 

Dean leaned into the touch with a soft sound of pleasure. “Now you just want me to talk dirty.”

“Maybe a little,” Cas said, blushing. “I have to learn somehow, and Sam says that pornography isn’t a good way.”

Dean choked on whatever he had been about to say. “You talked to Sam! About-about talking dirty?”

“Not recently!” Cas hurried to explain, looking worried. “And not about us, I just...I remember him saying that pornography was ‘reductive’ and ‘unrealistic’ and that I should never, under any circumstances, talk to a real woman that way.”

“Sounds like Sam,” Dean grumbled. “Casa Erotica is a piece of art, but all Sam sees is the strap-ons.”

“Strap-ons?” Cas asked and then Dean was blushing and kissing the angel to hide it. He wasn’t ready to have _that_ conversation.

“You are trying to distract me,” Cas said into the kiss, his arms tight around Dean.

“Is it working?” Dean asked, nuzzling under Cas’ chin and sucking the sensitive skin at the hollow of his throat.

“Yes,” Cas growled, his eyes fluttering shut. “I want to touch you, Dean.”

“Do it,” Dean replied, moving his body off of Cas so that they both had space to maneuver. 

“Are you-”

“I’m sure, stop breaking the mood,” Dean said, taking hold of Cas’ hand and bringing it to his belly. “Touch me, Cas.”

“Can I…” Cas slid his fingertips under the waistband of Dean’s pajama pants.

Dean shivered. “Yes, Cas.” He swallowed hard. “Can I-?”

“Please,” Cas moaned. “Oh Dean, please touch me!”

“Fuck, Castiel, that’s not fair,” Dean rasped. The knot of tension in his belly almost stole his breath. “It’s not fucking fair when you ask like that.”

“I can’t help it,” Cas whispered. “I just...I need you. I need to feel you. I need you to feel me! Please!” He looked up at Dean, his eyes wide and gorgeous. “I want to touch your-your skin, Dean. To touch your cock with nothing between us...as long as you are all right with it and it won’t-.” 

“Take off your pants,” Dean said, his body telling his choice to his brain so quickly that it made him a little dizzy. “Take them off, Cas!”

The angel made a little sound of need as he reached down and wriggled out of his pants and Dean was following suit before he could think about it too deeply and then he was hugging Cas to him, moaning at the feeling of the other man’s wetness on his belly. “Fuck, Cas, you’re so hard.”

But Cas wasn’t focused on that, he was nuzzling under Dean’s chin, nibbling at his Adam’s apple and making adorable little sounds. “Dean,” he moaned. “You feel so good against me. Your skin, your...cock...I just...I never imagined how good it would feel to hold you like...like this.” 

Dean hugged his angel to him, luxuriating in the feeling of their bodies pressed together. Cas’ body was different from what he was used to. He was firm all over, with hair in places that Dean wasn’t used to. But at the end of the day, it was Cas. Their legs twined together, and Dean moaned when Cas reached down and squeezed his ass. 

“Getting fresh with me, angel?” Dean asked, grinning.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, going to pull back before Dean stopped him. 

“I’m teasing, you dork,” Dean said, grinning as he kissed Cas. “Get fresh, please, before I lose it like a teenager.” 

“Lose it?” Cas asked.

“Lose it, Cas,” Dean growled, cupping the angel’s cheeks and kissing him hard. “Cum, before I should.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Cas said and Dean moaned, sucking at Cas’ neck as he tried to bring his body under control. 

“No?” Dean whispered, shivering. “Cas-”

“No,” Cas said with alarming calmness. “I like the idea of you...needing me like that. I..I think I’d like to feel it on me...”

“FUCK!” Dean growled. “Fuck, Cas, you can’t just be saying that.”

“But what if I’m not?” Cas whispered. “What if I’m not 'just saying' it? What if I want to feel it? Warm and wet and -”

Dean captured his lips roughly, moaning as he yanked the angel tight against his body. They lay that way for some time, kissing and luxuriating in the feeling of each other’s bodies. The longer they kissed, the more relaxed Dean felt. Yes, it was different, but it was also Cas. It felt safe, and sweet, and so damn good that he really was in danger of losing it before he wanted to. And then he felt the tentative brush of Cas’ hand on his stomach slowly working its way down.

“Dean?”

“I’m yours, Cas,” Dean said against the angel’s lips. “It’s ok.”

Cas made a happy sound as he kissed Dean deeply and Dean moaned into the kiss as Cas’ hand wrapped around his cock and began to stroke slowly up and down.

“Sweet merciful fuck,” Dean breathed, pulling back just slightly so that he could look down. The sight of Cas’ hand wrapped around him did _way_ more for him than he was expecting and he saw the beads of wetness forming on the head of his cock as his body gave a little jerk. “Fuck you feel so good, Cas.” He looked up, forcing his eyes to focus, and met the intense gaze of his angel. Cas was watching him, only a thin line of deep blue showing around his hugely dilated pupils.

“So do you, Dean,” Cas said, his voice low and rough. “I love how you feel in my hand. I can only imagine how good it will feel to take you in my mouth and bring you to fruition that way.”

Dean couldn’t call the sound he made anything other than a whimper, because while he knew he wasn’t ready for that, the thought of looking down and seeing Cas’ beautiful eyes as he sucked Dean’s cock was starting to sound really, really good. 

Cas tightened his grip around the upper portion of Dean’s cock and stroked a little faster, making Dean cry out and reach down to grab his wrist. 

“Slow down,” he panted, feeling the little tremors running through his body that told him that he was close. “Slow down, Cas, or I’m going to cum.”

“Isn’t that the point?” Cas asked, and though his eyes were wide and innocent the quirk of his lips told Dean that he was teasing.

“I don’t want it to end so fast,” Dean admitted. He swallowed hard and looked down to where Cas’ cock was every bit as hard and wet as his own. He was unable to tear his eyes away as a little bead of wetness formed on the head of Cas’ cock and then dripped down onto the bed. “Can I touch you?”

“You know the answer,” Cas said, smiling. He kissed the corner of Dean’s lips. “Please touch me, Dean,” he whispered in the little needy voice that Dean was rapidly learning was his kryptonite. 

Dean was proud of the fact that his hand only shook a little as he reached over and brushed his fingertips over the head of Cas’ cock, catching the wetness and spreading it as Cas let out a soft little moan. He drew the wetness down over the head to the seam where the head of Cas’ cock met the shaft and stroked in a tiny circle, teasing, his eyes never leaving Cas. 

“That feels...different from last night,” Cas said, his eyes closed and his brow furrowed like he was concentrating. 

“Different good?” Dean asked.

“Very,” Cas said, his hips rocking as he chased the friction.

Dean smiled, feeling a little pleased with himself. Maybe this wasn’t going to be that hard after all. If he just thought about the things that he enjoyed, and then did them to Cas, maybe he wouldn’t make a total ass of himself. 

His smug moment was short lived, however, when he felt Cas let go of his cock to mimic Dean’s actions. Dean let out a little hiss at the sudden caress on the head of his cock and felt Cas’ cock give a little jerk. He stroked his fingers down along Cas’ not inconsiderable length, then back up, just trying to get used to the feeling of a cock other than his own in his hand. He looked down, watching as his fingers slid over the smooth skin, down into the dark hairs, and over the textured surface of Cas’ balls. He stroked his fingers in a figure-eight over them, watching as Cas rocked his hips, moaning. 

“Dean!” Cas choked out, and then he was gripping Dean again, stroking him hard and fast as his own body shook. “Dean you feel-”

“So do you,” Dean grunted, clenching his eyes shut as the intense pleasure built up inside of him. There was no way he was going to last with Cas touching him like that and he knew from the needy sounds that Cas was making that there was no way he was going to be able to slow down. 

“Please, Dean!” Cas moaned, the muscles in his belly tensing in a way that made Dean want to run his tongue over them. He turned his body to face Dean and Dean was quick to roll on his side as well so that he could look into Cas’ eyes as they began to stroke each other in earnest. “Please!” 

Dean’s body was so tense it was almost painful, and as he wrapped his free arm around Cas he could feel the same tension thrumming through his angel. “I’ve got you,” he somehow managed to say despite the fact that what Cas was doing felt so good that it felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I’ve got you, Cas.” He tightened his hand just slightly and began to stroke faster, wanting nothing more than to send Cas over the edge. “Let it go, babe. For me. I’ve got you.”

“Dean!” Cas sounded almost panicked and his hand around Dean stilled abruptly as his full lips fell open and his eyes clenched tightly shut. “Dean, oh Dean! Oh-” and then he was moaning, his hips bucking as thick ribbons of cum shot out and coated Dean’s hand, his belly, and the sheets. It was warm, and wet, and sticky, and he would have thought it would gross him out. But instead, it made his own cock jerk and his balls tighten as he watched the man he loved rock shamelessly into his hand, moaning and saying his name over and over. 

“Dean-” Cas let out a little gasp as Dean worked some of Cas’ cum down his shaft slowly. His whole body jerked and another little bit of cum dribbled out as Cas desperately moaned Dean’s name. “I can’t!” Cas whimpered. “Dean!”

Dean let go and kissed Cas’ lips as sweetly as he could. The angel let out a hoarse cry and kissed him back with hunger, taking Dean into his hand once again.

“Fuck!” Dean hissed, fumbling for something to hang onto. He settled on Cas’ shoulder as Cas kissed him hard, his tongue eagerly stroking against Dean’s lips as his hand worked up and down Dean’s cock. There wasn’t any teasing, there wasn’t anything playful about the hunger in the kiss or the wide-eyed intensity with which Cas was looking at him when they finally pulled back panting. “Cas!” Dean ground out. “Cas, if you keep going like that I’m gonna cum.”

Cas’ lips curled into a smile that was equal parts sweet and needy. “I want you to,” he breathed. “I want to give you that pleasure, Dean.” He gave Dean a sloppy kiss on the lips which did way more for Dean than he would have imagined. “Cum for me, Dean,” Cas rumbled and instead of sounding pleading, it sounded like an order and it was too much, too good, and Dean had no chance. 

“All for you, Cas!” Dean groaned, feeling himself get rapidly close to the edge. “All for-FUCK, I’m-” And then he was howling Cas’ name as the intense wave of pleasure crashed over him, filling his senses and making his body jerk so hard that it almost hurt. He had no idea how long his body thrashed and spasmed under Cas’ hand, only that when he finally came back to himself Cas was watching him with an adorable smile on his face. “Fuck!” Dean panted, then yelped when Cas stroked him again. His cock was drenched and so sensitive that it almost hurt, but he was transfixed as Cas teased him just as he had. He heard himself let out a pathetic little whimper as Cas ran his fingertips over the head of his cock and he fumbled to grab the angel’s wrist. “I can’t!” he managed to choke out in a joyful laugh. “No more!”

They lay together quietly for a moment, both breathing hard, before Dean gave Cas a clumsy kiss on the lips. “Fuck, Cas.”

Cas grinned at him and his whole-ass heart was in his eyes as his cheeks colored. “That was ok, then?”

“Nah,” Dean said, grinning back like an idiot. “It was awesome, Cas.” He let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I never thought that...that I could be this way with another guy, Cas. It’s freaking me out a little how easy it is with you.”

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, looking suddenly worried. “I didn’t mean-”

“It’s a good thing, you dork,” Dean said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “It’s just...forcing me to take another look at myself, that’s all. Reevaluate some things.” 

“As long as you are happy,” Cas said, sounding sleepy and happy. He rolled slightly onto his back, a soft smile on his face. 

Fuck, he was adorable. 

“Come on,” Dean said, forcing himself to sit up once his heart had stopped pounding. “We should get cleaned up.” 

Cas cracked an eyelid and looked at him. “I like having you on me,” he said, bringing his hand up to one of the wet streaks on his belly and brushing his fingertips through it. “It feels intimate.” 

Dean had to admit, as he looked down and saw his cum on Cas’ body, it did something for him. “Sure,” he said, trying to sound like the sight of Cas covered in his cum wasn’t making his cock make a spirited effort to return to form. He heard the note of hunger in his voice and knew from the minute rise of Cas’ eyebrows that he heard it too. “Intimate’s all well and good,” he said roughly. “But soon it’s gonna get cold and sticky. Trust me,” he said, smiling down at Cas as he picked up his t-shirt.

“With my life,” Cas said softly and Dean gave him a kiss before tenderly cleaning him up. He was quick to clean up himself, and then the bed, before snagging Cas’ t-shirt from where it had come to rest draped over the headboard and laying it down in the wet spot they had made. Finally he picked up their boxers and handed Cas his, before pulling his own on. “You’re gonna want them,” he said, noting that Cas was looking a little disappointed. “Trust me, otherwise you’ll drip everywhere.” 

Cas nodded and pulled them on as Dean did the same before flopping back and pulling Cas against him. The angel nuzzled under his chin, one arm around Dean’s waist. His fingertips stroked lightly over Dean’s side and Dean let out a happy sigh, bringing his hand up to run his fingers through Cas’ hair. 

“Thank you,” Cas said after a few moments of quiet. 

“For what?” Dean asked, brushing his lips over Cas’ forehead. 

He felt Cas shrug against him. “For trusting me,” he said after a moment. “For being this way with me.” He looked up and Dean found himself utterly lost in the deep liquid blue of Cas’ eyes. “For loving me,” he whispered. “Flawed and awkward being that I am.”

Dean kissed him, feeling the tightness in his throat. “The same goes for you,” he managed to say. “Thanks for trusting me. For wanting me like you do. For loving me.” He smiled down at Cas, hoping that Cas could feel how deeply he meant his words. “Thank you for being patient with me,” he added.

“I told you that you are worth waiting for,” Cas said with a little shrug. “I meant it.” He glanced down and then blushed. “Though clearly I have to learn how to be patient when I am in your hands. I find it very difficult to maintain any self-control when you are touching my member.”

Dean groaned and rolled on top of Cas, giving him a look. “ _Member_? Really?”

Cas grinned at him, a big, stupid smile that told Dean that his choice of words had been a calculated one. 

“You ass,” Dean said fondly. “You did that on purpose.”

Cas tilted his chin up and the look he gave Dean could only have been described as sassy. “Now you are on top of me,” Cas said calmly. “I cannot deny that I was hoping for something like this.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean growled, leaning in to kiss Cas’ neck. “Why’s that?”

“Because I still want you,” Cas replied in an equally low voice. The effect was somewhat mitigated by the blush that crept from his cheeks to his neck. “Even if my body is not yet ready, I do.” 

Dean shook his head, smiling as he kissed the angel hard on the lips. He felt one of Cas’ legs drape over his thighs and he couldn’t help but rock his hips, hissing into the kiss at the friction against his spent cock. “I still want you too,” he said, breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against Cas’. He let out a little laugh. “I really am like a teenager with you, Cas. I don’t think that anyone…” he blushed and shook his head. Why shouldn’t he say it? “I don’t think anyone has ever done it for me like you do,” he admitted. “And I-I think it’s just ‘cause it’s you, Cas. You get to me like no one ever has.” He glanced back down at Cas’ eyes and felt his heart sink at the tears he saw in them. “Babe?”

“I feel the same way,” Cas whispered as one of the tears fell. Dean wiped it away gently with his thumb and cupped the angel’s cheek. “It’s always only been you, Dean.” His smile wobbled a little. “I love you,” he said. 

“I love you too,” Dean replied, leaning down to kiss him again. Beneath him he felt Cas’ body begin to move and then the angel was gripping his back and making those noises, begging Dean to touch him. Dean was happy to give Cas what he wanted, and soon the two of them were lying next to each other, naked once again, urgently stroking one another. Dean loved the way Cas said his name as he got close, loved the way his body went tense, loved how _ragged_ he sounded when he came. 

And he loved how Cas touched him. It was gentle, loving, but also filled with such intense hunger that it drove Dean over the edge faster even than when he did it himself. 

Dean found himself unable to speak for a few minutes afterwards, instead contenting himself with lying there panting with Cas pressed against his side. He was drifting off to sleep when he heard Cas give a little snort. 

“What’s up?” he murmured sleepily. 

“I just changed the sheets,” Cas said. “And you only have two sets.” 

Dean snorted, but inwardly his heart was filling with an intense, radiating warmth. It was such a simple, domestic thing to be focused on. In a life that had so few simple, domestic things, it felt really special that his partner was annoyed that they were going to have to change the sheets again. “We can go buy some more sheets,” Dean said, hugging Cas against him more tightly. “But you’re going to have to get used to it, Cas. It’s usually messy.” 

“It wouldn’t be if you were to finish in my mouth,” Cas said so simply that for a moment it didn’t even register in Dean’s brain. Then he shuddered through his whole body and his cock gave a tired twitch, dribbling onto his belly. 

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean growled, tilting his face up a little roughly and kissing him hard. “I’d tell you that it wasn’t fair for you to say those things, but fuck if I don’t love hearing it.” He smiled down at the angel, who was looking radiant. “I barely recognize myself with you,” he said wonderingly. 

“I recognize you,” Cas said, bringing his hand up and caressing Dean’s cheek. “You are the same man you have always been. Brave, and kind, and very fond of listening to your cock, when you can.”

Dean choked on a laugh, shaking his head. “Starting to get a hang of the talking dirty thing,” he teased. Then he grew serious and pulled back just slightly so that he could look into Cas’ eyes. “Cas...yesterday you said that if you’d known how I’d change you you weren’t sure you’d have had the courage to pull me from Hell.”

“Yes,” Cas said, nodding. “It is true. I don’t think I am that brave.” 

“That goes both ways too,” Dean admitted, his eyes searching Cas’. “You may not think you’ve changed me, but you have.” His eyes began to burn as he thought of what he’d believed to be his last moments with Cas. “You said I was driven by love,” he said roughly. “But I’d never have believed that about myself without you. You’ve helped me see that I can be...more. More than just a weapon.” He shook his head and felt a couple of tears fall. “I don’t know that that’s a debt I can repay,” he said roughly. “But I swear to you, I’m gonna try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you all enjoyed this continuation! I want to keep exploring the intimacy between Dean and Cas and how their relationship continues to grow, so there will probably be more in the next few days. Hope y'all don't mind!


	3. To hope’s end...to heart’s breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is forced to confront his fears regarding his relationship with Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from Eomer's Song in Return of the King
> 
> **TRIGGER WARNING: Internalized homophobia, homophobia**
> 
> Friends, this chapter is definitely on the sadder side, and I want you to be warned before you read it. I have been agonizing about whether I should post this, but I am doing it because it feels true to character. I think at first Dean would struggle a lot with being "out" no matter how much he loves Cas, and that it would take his fear hurting Cas to make him slow up and really contemplate his own issues. There's a chapter coming probably tomorrow that is intended to be the happy counterpart to this one, but we need to get through the darkness first. I hope that this rings true for you all as it did for me, and I'd love to know your thoughts.

There was something unnerving about the way that all Superstores looked and smelled the same. No matter where you went they all smelled vaguely artificial and were way, way too bright. Still, Dean found himself smiling at the greeter as he and Cas made their way inside.  


“Sam asked us to get more coffee,” Cas said, grabbing a basket. “And Eileen asked for tampons and lightbulbs for the library.”  


Dean nodded. “Groceries first, then sheets?” he asked.  


Cas grinned at him, nodding, and together they set off for the groceries. Dean inhaled deeply as they walked into the coffee aisle and almost immediately found himself drawn into a good-natured argument with Cas.  


“Put that down,” he grumbled at the angel as he picked up the huge plastic tin labeled “French Roast”.  


“But-”  


“No,” Dean said. “We have a family, Cas, we can’t be serving up the same garbage we used to drink on the road.”  


Cas flushed and grinned at him and Dean returned the smile a little shyly, realizing what he had said.  


“All right, Dean,” Cas said, putting the coffee away and picking up something in a fancy little brown bag. “How about this one? It’s organic, fair-trade, and presumably tastes like a cinnamon roll.”  


Dean was about to argue, but paused at that. “Cinnamon roll, eh?” he asked. “All right, throw it in.” He also picked up a big bag of the light roast coffee that he and Sam tended to prefer when they were burning the midnight oil. Then it was on to lightbulbs, and tampons for Eileen. Dean took a minute to explain to Cas what the letters on the boxes meant so that he’d know for the future. After a moment of pondering the meat cooler, Dean picked up a couple of t-bones for dinner too. “That takes care of the groceries,” he said. “Sheets?”  


Cas nodded and together they began to walk over, chatting about various displays and people watching. Dean noticed that Cas was watching him out of the corner of his eye and he raised his eyebrow at his angel. “What’s up, Cas?”  


By way of answer, Cas slid his hand into Dean’s, twining their fingers together. “Is this all right?” he asked.  


Dean glanced down at where their hands were clasped and then back up in time to see worry briefly cross Cas’ face. “Yeah,” he said, giving Cas’ hand a squeeze and resisting the urge to glance over his shoulder. It was ok. It _was_. It was Cas to whom, in the last few days alone, he’d said "I love you" countless times. He _did_ love him, so why did he feel like the hairs were standing up on the back of his neck and everyone was staring at him? _Knock it off,_ he told himself as Cas squeezed his hand back, giving him a radiant smile. _Do you really want to wipe that smile off of his face?_  


So Dean squared his shoulders and held his angel’s hand as the two of them made their way to the home goods section of the Superstore like an old married couple. Once they were in the bedding section he found himself relaxing fractionally. They were mostly hidden amidst the tall shelves.  


_Why do I want to hide?_ Dean asked himself, feeling his belly crawling with guilt.  


“Your sheets are a little sad,” Cas was saying.  


“So you’ve said,” Dean said, trying to keep his tone light. “All right, Anthony Melchiorri,” Dean said. “What would you pick?”  


“I thought you were only channel surfing when I found you watching that show,” Cas said.  


“Shut up,” Dean said, hoping that his smile took some of the sting out of it. He felt himself relaxing as they fell into their normal banter. “Seriously, Cas, it-it’s your space too,” he said in a rush. “You’ll be sleeping there.”  


“I prefer the ones that feel crisp,” Cas said with a fond smile. “Though you know that I do not sleep, Dean.”  


“You won’t be staying the night then?” Dean retorted. He gestured to a set of plain white percale sheets. “Those?”  


“Only if you want me to,” Cas said, stepping a little closer and looking up at Dean in the way that robbed the air from Dean’s lungs and made his cock twitch. “And I thought you liked the ones that felt like t-shirts.”  


“Haven’t kicked you out of bed yet, have I?” Dean asked, smiling down at Cas. It was amazing how when he looked into Cas’ eyes, the world shrank down to the two of them. “I don’t care what kind of sheets we get, as long as I’m sharing them with you,” he said in a low voice. _I sound so smitten. I **am** so smitten. _  


Cas opened his mouth to respond, when Dean heard someone clear their throat.  


He took a step back from Cas, pulling his hand away like he’d touched something hot as he spun around to face the source of the sound.  


Down at the other end of the aisle was a man who was six-foot-six if he was a foot, and looked to be a solid 275. He had a huge bushy beard, and was wearing camo overalls with an orange hunting jacket over it. His workboots had clumps of dirt stuck to them, and Dean was pretty sure he saw the bulge of a pistol under the man’s jacket. “Excuse me,” the man said in a gruff voice with a deep southern drawl.  


“Yeah?” Dean asked, hearing the note of defensiveness in his voice. “What do you need, buddy?”  


“I was hoping you boys could help,” the man said, taking a step towards him. “My wife asked me to come and get a new doo-vay cover because my mom’s coming to visit, but I’ll be damned if I know what that is. But I didn’t want to tell her that I don’t know because she’s already got a bug up her butt about mom comin’.” He grinned at them. “If I come back with the right thing, we watch that British Baking Show instead of that hospital show with all the sad doctors tonight, and I thought that you two might be able to help me out.”  


“Why us?” Dean asked, blinking. “Help you out how?”  


The man gestured at the two of them. “You know, being that you’re...well-”  


Dean just stared at him, his stomach twisting as panic and shame and guilt warred within him. “We’re not-” he began reflexively in a choked whisper.  


“You put it over the comforter, or duvet,” Cas interrupted in a subdued little voice that broke Dean’s heart. “It is meant to protect it. Or be interchangeable for decorative purposes.”  


“See!” the man said, giving them a huge smile, clearly having not heard Dean. “I knew nice boys like you would be able to help. I’d find it over by the big comforters then, yeah?”  


“Yes,” Cas said, giving the man a sad smile.  


“Thank you boys so much!” the man said. “Your boyfriend’s a keeper,” he said to Dean before turning and hurrying off towards the comforters. “Bake-off tonight!” he whooped as he turned the corner.  


“Cas-”  


“These should be fine,” Cas said, selecting a few sets of sheets from the shelf and putting them in the basket. “We should check out, we don’t want the steaks to get warm.” He turned and began to walk towards the checkout, leaving Dean to follow in his wake, his heart heavy with shame.  


They checked out in silence, drove home in silence, and Cas handed Dean the food to put in the kitchen. He disappeared down to the laundry without a backwards glance, and Dean hated the rigid way his shoulders were set.  


He was moving mechanically as he went into the kitchen and put things away, but as he closed the fridge door something in him snapped.  


“Damn it!” he barked, slapping the fridge with the palm of his hand.  


“What did the fridge do?”  


Dean whirled to face Eileen, angrily swiping at the tears on his face.  


“Thank you,” Eileen signed, pointing to the two boxes of tampons. “I really appreciate it.”  


“You’re welcome,” Dean replied, stomping over and ploppng down on one of the stools.  


“Beer?” Eileen asked.  


“Thanks,” Dean said, resting his elbows on the table and putting his head in his hands. He heard the sound of two beers open and then Eileen’s footsteps approaching. He looked up in time to see her set the beer on the table and take the seat across from him.  


“Why was Castiel crying?” she asked.  


_Fuck, he was crying?_ “Because I’m an ass,” Dean ground out. “A stupid, fucking ass who treated him like something to be ashamed of while we were out and I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t forgive me for it.” He shook his head, his throat closing at the memory of the stricken look on Cas’ face when he’d pulled away.  


“Well, shit,” Eileen signed. “Will you tell me what happened?”  


So Dean did, because having hurt Cas the way he did, what else did he have to lose?  


“I don’t know what my problem is,” Dean said, staring at his beer bottle like it might be able to tell him. “I love him, Eileen, I really do. I just...I froze up the second he took my hand and when that guy came up to us I was expecting...I don’t know.”  


“Judgement?” Eileen signed. “A fight?”  


“Both,” Dean said. “I guess. I don’t...It scares me to think that as close as we've gotten...maybe I’m not ready for...for this. For him.” He swallowed hard. “He deserves someone who can give him _everything_ , Eileen, and I-I...what if I’m not that guy?” his throat closed up as he realized what he was saying.  


“I think you should talk to him,” Eileen said. “Before you do anything drastic.”  


“Yeah,” Dean said, pushing away from the table and standing up. He felt like he was about to cry. “Thanks, Eileen. For talking. There’s t-bones in the fridge.”  


“Do you want me to make you one?” she asked.  


He shook his head. He had no appetite.  


He hurried from the kitchen before the tears could fall and trudged down to his room, pausing at the door. “Cas?” he called softly.  


No answer.  


He opened the door and heard himself let out a quiet sound of sadness. The bed had been made with the sheets Cas had said smelled “sad”, though they and the blanket were clearly freshly washed. 

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean whispered, sinking down onto the bed and staring blankly at the chair Cas often occupied. He must have been staring for some time, because his back was aching when a knock at the door startled him. He was on his feet in an instant. “Cas?”  


“It’s me, Dean,” Sam said.  


Dean flopped back down on the bed. “I’m not-”  


“Eileen told me what happened,” Sam said. “I’d like to talk.”  


Dean sighed. There was no way he’d get rid of Sam now. He was like a bloodhound. “Come in,” he said with resignation. The door opened and closed, then he heard Sam’s footsteps and the creaking of the chair as Sam sat.  


“I fucked up, Sammy,” Dean said without preamble.  


“Sounds like it,” Sam said mildly and Dean gritted his teeth. “I thought you two were happy, Dean. What happened?”  


Dean lurched up into a sitting position and scrubbed his hands through his hair. “I don’t know,” he said, staring blankly ahead. “I just...I locked up, Sammy. He took my hand and suddenly I felt like everyone was looking at us.”  


“Why would it matter if they were?” Sam asked, his tone surprisingly gentle. Dean had been expecting a lecture.  


Dean opened his mouth, then closed it, unsure of how to answer.  


“Can I tell you what I think?” Sam asked.  


“Can I stop you?” Dean retorted.  


Sam grinned at him before growing serious. “Dean...do you think maybe this has something to do with Dad?”  


Dean blinked at his little brother. “Dad?”  


Sam sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Look, we both know that Dad was...old-fashioned about things like that. He used a lot of words when we were growing up that would get you canceled on social media these days.” He met Dean’s eyes and there was a world of hurt in them, as well as in his sad smile. “Dad had some pretty strong beliefs on what made a ‘real man’, and for as long as I can remember, you’ve always tried to live up to them.” He let out a bitter laugh. “You were better at being a ‘real man’ than I ever was.”  


“That’s crap and you know it,” Dean said immediately, hating to see the old pain his brother carried rearing its head and knowing that he was at least in part responsible for it. “You’re the best man I know, Sammy.”  


Sam smiled at him, but it was a sad one. “The point is, Dean, you’re carrying some heavy baggage where that stuff is concerned. You’ve internalized a lot of that bullshit”  


“Yeah,” Dean admitted, realizing how true his brother’s words were. “But I don’t know how to...to _fix_ it, Sammy. How can I fix things with Cas when I’m so god-damned broken.”  


“So you _do_ want to fix things with Cas,” Sam said.  


"Yeah," Dean managed to grit out as the emotions welled up. “Of course I do, Sammy." 

“Well?" Sam said with that annoying expression that he used when he beat Dean to a particularly obscure point of lore.  


“I don’t want to hurt him,” Dean said miserably. “Fuck, Sammy, that’s the last thing that I ever wanted to do and I did.”  


“Go talk to him,” Sam said. “Before too much time passes. Just...be honest with him about what you’re going through.”  


“But what if that’s not enough?” Dean asked, feeling his stomach knot with panic. “What if I’ve already fucked it up too much to fix? What if I can’t be fixed?”  


“You won’t know unless you try,” Sam said. “And you owe him that.”  


“Listen to you,” Dean said gruffly. “Get you a girlfriend and suddenly you’re Dr. Phil.”  


“I’ll take that as ‘thank you, Sam’,” Sam said, rising. He rested a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “You gonna be ok?”  


Dean nodded and Sam gave him a half smile before turning towards the door.  


“Sammy?”  


Sam glanced back over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised.  


“Thanks,” Dean said, doing his best to smile at his little brother. “It was good to...to talk things through a little. You gave me a lot to think about.”  


“Not too bad for daytime TV,” Sam said, grinning.  


Dean snorted and the two of them smiled at each other briefly before Sam nodded once and left, shutting the door softly behind himself.  


Dean took a deep breath and then rose himself, leaving his room and headed down to the laundry. He paused at the door and listened. Inside he heard the creaking of the ancient washer working, and then, horribly, a sniffle.  


He gritted his teeth, fighting back the surge of nausea as shame and fear threatened to overwhelm him, and knocked on the door. “Cas?” he called. “Can we talk?”  


Cas’ voice was rough when he replied. “If you want.”  


Dean opened the door and found himself facing Castiel’s back. The angel was standing with his hands on the washer and his head bowed. “Cas?”  


Cas sniffled again and Dean saw him wipe his eyes before squaring his shoulder and turning to face Dean. His eyes were shiny and red-rimmed, but his jaw was set. He didn’t speak, just stared up at Dean with those eyes that tugged at Dean’s heart and filled him with shame.  


He’d been working on a whole speech on his way down, but the words dried on his lips as he saw the pain on Cas’ face.  


“Cas,” Dean managed to croak. “I’m sorry.”  


“You were _ashamed_ of me,” Cas said.  


“Cas-”  


“Don’t!” Cas said. “Dean...I am not the best at reading human emotions, I know that.” His eyes shut as his fists clenched at his sides. “But I assure you, I know very well what _shame_ looks like.” The tears had started to track down his face when he opened his eyes again. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. Dean was expecting anger, but instead Cas shattered his heart into a thousand pieces with his next words.  


“What did I do wrong?”  


“NO!” Dean blurted out, stumbling forward a few steps but freezing when Cas recoiled back from him, wrapping his arms around his waist. “No, Cas, you didn’t do _anything_ , do you hear me? You did _nothing_ wrong!”  


“Then why did you pull away like I was something...foul?” the angel asked. “Why were you so...ill at ease when I took your hand in the first place? I know that you are not accustomed to being intimate with a man, but I thought that after what we had shared...something so simple could hardly be so revolting.”  


“It wasn’t revolting,” Dean whispered. “Cas, you could _never_ be revolting to me.”  


“But I was,” Cas said. “I heard you try to tell that man that we aren’t...anything. _I_ heard it, even if he didn’t.”  


“I fucked up,” Dean said desperately. It felt as though Cas was slipping away from him, growing more distant with every fumbled word. “Cas, I fucked up, but it is a reflection of _me_ , not of you, you have to believe me!”  


“I don’t understand,” Cas said simply. “You have said that you love me. You and I have-have...shared something intimate and beautiful.” His heart was in his eyes as he looked up at Dean. “Why would holding my hand in the store make you so uncomfortable?”  


“It’s hard to explain,” Dean said and Cas frowned.  


“Will you at least try?” Cas asked softly. “I want to understand, Dean. Maybe then I won’t feel so-so...hurt.”  


Dean winced. “Look, Cas, I...I’ve spent my whole life trying to be one kind of man-”  


“Your father,” Cas said softly. “That is the kind of man you have tried to be.”  


Dean blinked, shocked at Cas’ perception and the angel shook his head.  


“Dean," Cas said firmly. "Your issues with your father are a matter of Heavenly canon.”  


“Cas-”  


“I still don’t understand why holding my hand is so much worse than anything else we have done,” Cas said.  


“Because other people can _see_ me in the store,” Dean admitted. “Because it isn’t here, just between us. It’s out _there_ where people can see and pass judgement and as it turns out, Cas, I’m a fucking _coward_ when it counts.” He shook his head. “I don’t deserve you,” he said and felt his voice catch. “I don’t deserve your love, or your loyalty, or any of you...not when I’m so damn weak.”  


“Dean-" 

“I just want you to be happy,” Dean said and the words turned to ashes in his mouth. “I just...don’t you want to be with someone who can give you everything you need and never make you feel this way?”  


He heard Cas’ soft footfalls and when he looked up, Cas had closed the distance between them. “I want that person to be you,” Cas said and Dean felt a sob claw its way out of his throat.  


“What if I _can’t_?” Dean asked and heard the panicky shrillness in his voice as his fears bubbled out. “What if I freeze up every time, Cas? What if I spent the rest of my life giving you the old Simon Peter and denying everything that we are?”  


“I don’t think you will,” Cas said. “Though I will not pretend that the idea...does not hurt my heart.”  


“I can’t risk hurting you like that, Cas,” Dean said, taking a step back. Fuck, this was not going how it was supposed to go. It felt like a breakup. “You don’t deserve that.”  


Cas brow furrowed for a moment before his eyes got very wide. “Are you saying that you-you don’t wish to continue being with me?” he asked, his voice brittle. “That by my actions, I have broken us, as I break _everything_ that matters to me?”  


“Cas-”  


“I cannot be trusted with _anything_ that matters,” Cas whispered, turning away from him and staggering towards the washing machine. 

Dean lurched forward before he even knew what he was doing and put his hand on Cas’ shoulder, turning him around. “That’s not true!” he gritted out. “Cas-”  


“I’m sorry,” Cas said. “I never meant to cause you shame.”  


There was a clap of wings, and then Cas was gone, leaving Dean standing alone in the room. He sank down onto the floor by the washer, leaning back against it and hoping that it drowned out the sounds of his sobbing.  


He was the one who could not be trusted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I know this chapter is on the sadder side for a fandom that has had a lot of sadness already. All I can promise is that the next chapter is much, much lighter, while also dealing with the fallout for this chapter. Smut will return shortly, but I really wanted to address this aspect of Dean's internal makeup first.


	4. The Ships Have Come to Carry You Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean tries to find ways to both make amends for his behavior, as well as change his behavior going forward. This leads to him making a gesture that takes Cas by surprise, in the best possible way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, friends, here's the promised fluff! I really tried not to let Dean off the hook for what happened last chapter, while also allowing our boys to process and move forward from the incident. I tried to make Dean's gesture something that I really think that he would do, so I hope that it rings true for you all. 
> 
> Enjoy and thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Chapter title is from "Into the West" from "Return of the King"

Dean stumped up the stairs, wishing fervently that he’d gotten any sleep at all the previous night. No, instead he’d spent the night alternating between crying into his pillow like Bella fucking Swan and staring blankly ahead at Cas’ chair. It felt awful. He felt awful.  


Fuck, given how he had hurt Cas...he _was_ awful.  


He turned the corner into the library and found himself brought up short by the sight of Castiel’s back. The angel was sitting at the table with a book in front of him and a notebook at his right side. Eileen was sitting across from him signing rapidly and then making notes in her own notebook. She glanced over and met Dean’s eyes and he gave a tiny shake of his head, turning to head back down the stairs.  


“I know that you are there.”  


_Shit._ Dean turned around and found that Cas wasn’t even looking in his direction. “Hey,” he said, and it felt lame and insufficient.  


“I’m going to go make coffee,” Eileen said. “You two want some?”  


Dean nodded, unable to speak.  


“Thank you, Eileen,” Cas signed. “Extra cream and-”  


“Three sugars,” Eileen replied. “I know. I’ll be right back.”  


She smiled down at Cas and then hurried over, giving Dean a brief clap on the shoulder as she passed him and headed towards the kitchen.  


“Mind if I join you?” Dean asked.  


“If that is what you want,” Cas said softly.  


What I want is to make this right, Dean thought as he swallowed hard and went to the table,  
plopping down in Eileen’s vacated seat. He looked down at Eileen’s notes and raised his eyebrows. “You guys are building up the Hunter’s Sign Language?” he asked.  


“We have encountered things that were not known of when the last edition was published,” Cas said, looking down into the book of lore and not at Dean. “Eileen wished to make some additions.”  


“That’s a great idea!” Dean said and heard right away how overly enthusiastic he sounded. It _was_ a great idea, but that didn’t change that he sounded like a host on a kid’s show.  


“Eileen is a very intelligent woman,” Cas said, still looking down into the book. “She and Sam are well-suited.”  


Dean leaned forward, crossing his arms on the table. “Cas...will you look at me?”  


He did and right away Dean regretted asking. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. “Yes?” he said.  


“Cas, I’m sorry,” Dean said. “For what happened in the store. I was an ass, and I hate that I hurt you.”  


“I believe you,” Cas said, looking down. “I am sorry that I-”  


“Stop right there,” Dean said firmly. “Cas, you’ve got _nothing_ to be sorry for. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was _me_ who fucked up, and me who has to fix it. _I’m_ the broken one, Cas.”  


“Dean…” Cas hesitated and when he met Dean’s eyes, his were shiny. “I-I do not want to hold you back if you would be happier with someone more...conventional. I do not want you to live your life in a shroud of shame and self-loathing. If being with me precludes the possibility of you being the type of man you aspire to be, then I will go.”  


“NO!” Dean was out of his chair before he even knew what he was doing and stumbling over to where Cas was seated. The thought of Cas leaving now, after everything that they had gone through to find each other, made him want to throw up. Cas must have heard the note of panic in his voice, because when he turned to face him, his eyes were wide as Dean sank down onto his knees and grabbed his hand. “Cas, I’m begging you to listen. The man I am with you, when we’re like this, _this_ is who I aspire to be, all right?” He brought Cas’ hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles, trying to force down the panic long enough to get what needed to be said out. “You’ve made me better. So. Much. Better. So much that I don’t have the right words. I want to be the man you said I was when-” the vision of Cas disappearing into the Nothing hit him like a freight train and for a moment he couldn’t breathe. “Fuck, Cas. I want to be the man you said I was when you first told me you loved me. I want to be the man you see me as.” An awful thought that made him want to cry occurred to him and he looked up into Cas’ deep, blue eyes, searching them. “Assuming that...that you still see me that way.”  


Cas had remained silent the whole time Dean was speaking and now he was watching him with that unnerving intensity and stillness that only angels were capable of.  
Dean cleared his throat as the silence dragged on, his heart sinking.. “But I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t trust me again,” he said and heard how lost he sounded. “I’m sorry, Cas,” he said. He released Cas’ hand and stood up, only to feel Cas’ cool fingers close around his wrist.  


“Dean...wait,” Cas said, his voice quiet and more than a little rough. “I...left last night because I was...hurt. And because I was afraid that I had done something...unforgiveable.”  


Dean flinched, but nodded.  


“And then I thought perhaps I was overreacting,” Cas said. “And I thought that perhaps if I had a little time, I might get over what happened.”  


“I don’t expect you to get over it in a night, Cas,” Dean said, turning to face him.  


“I thought that I could,” Cas said. “It seemed such a silly thing to get upset over.” He gave Dean that little crooked smile that hit him in the gut like a punch from an archangel. “If I still have you _here_ , then does it truly matter if you do not want to hold my hand in the store?”  


“Of _course_ it matters!” Dean gently pulled Cas to his feet, placing his hands on the angel’s shoulders. “Castiel, listen to me. I am not the man you deserve if I can only be…” he gestured between them “ _this_ behind closed doors. You deserve better than to be anyone’s dirty little secret.”  


Cas took a shuddering breath and placed one of his hands over Dean’s. “Dean...after yesterday, I am...frightened that if I cannot resign myself to only having the private pieces of you, I will lose you all together.”  


The words broke something in Dean. The combination of Cas’ devotion with the sacrifice that he was willing to make for him, of all people, it was too much.  


“NO,” he somehow managed to say. He felt Cas’ hand on his cheek, wiping away the tears and leaned into the angel’s touch, trying to calm down. “No, Castiel, I won’t let you do that to yourself, especially not for me.”  


“But-”  


Dean took Cas’ hands, squeezing them both and looking into Cas’ eyes. “You deserve so much more than that, Cas, please...give me the chance to try to be more for you. I can’t promise that I’ll be perfect, that I’ll get it 100% on the first try. But I can sure as hell try.”  


The angel was silent for a moment and Dean thought that he had well and truly broken things for good when Cas swallowed and met his eyes. “Dean. I have faith in you, but I’m...scared. I’m scared that by wanting you as I do, I’ll lose you forever. I’m scared that if I don’t just...accept what I can get, that I will once again my reach will overextend my grasp and I will...fall.”  


“I broke the trust,” Dean said hurriedly, swallowing the lump in his throat. “I know that I did, Cas, but as long as you want me, you’ve got me.”  


“I do not think you are being honest with yourself,” Cas said, his tone slipping slightly back to the detached coolness of a seraph. “Because I _know_ you, Dean. If we continue this, and these things continue to happen...at some point you will run away in some misguided attempt to ‘protect’ me.”  


Dean opened his mouth to respond, but shut it almost immediately. He couldn’t deny that that would be his move.  


“So...I would like to reach an agreement,” Cas said. “I will give you time to rebuild trust...but you must allow yourself the same grace.”  


“I-what?” Dean blinked at Cas.  


“I am willing to try,” Cas said softly. “I am willing to give you time to come to terms with the burdens you bear...but you have to give yourself time as well. You cannot run away to ‘protect’ me without giving yourself a chance to change.”  


“I...damn it, Cas,” Dean said, choking back an embarrassing sob. “That’s more than I deserve from you.”  


Castiel shrugged, shaking his head. “I love you, Dean. That has not changed. And I hope...I have faith that what we share is not going to forever be marked by you pulling away any time other people might see us.” He reached up and touched Dean’s cheek. “I suppose I am asking you to have faith as well.” His eyes searched Dean’s, and it wasn’t just his lover, but the seraph as well. “Do you promise not to run away, but to instead stay and do the work?”  


Dean nodded and for the first time since they had left the Superstore, felt his spirits lift a little. “I promise, Cas.”

Unfortunately, events conspired to keep Dean from making good on his promise for over a week. A shapeshifter posing as a werewolf drew he and Sam all the way up to Chicago and by the time they had killed the damn thing Dean was beginning to itch to get home. He and Cas had been texting, and while it felt like things were moving in the direction of normal, they weren’t quite there yet. Dean looked down at Cas’ last “I love you” before switching back to his browser window on his phone, and it was there that Sam found him.  


“Why are you looking at a list of the 13 Best Steakhouses in Chicago?” Sam asked, tossing his jacket over a chair.  


Dean didn’t look up. “That’s a question for nunya,” he said, clicking the little button for reservations and putting in that evening.  


“You’re taking Cas out,” Sam said, grinning at him. “On a date.”  


“Shh!” Dean said, looking around. “He’ll hear you.” He took a deep breath and put his phone down. “I want him to know that I’m serious,” he said after a moment. “That I’m not ashamed of him. That I’m working on my shit beyond just talking about it.”  


Sam smiled at him and put his hand on his shoulder. “I’m proud of you,” he said.  


“Shaddup,” Dean said. He looked down at his hands. “I don’t want to lose him, Sammy,” he said after a moment.  


“I know,” Sam said. “I don’t think you will, you just have to get your shit together.”  


“I’m trying,” Dean said.  


“I know,” Sam said. He hesitated. “Dean, why don’t you let me drive the car home. You two can stay here for a few days. Have a little...vacation.”  


Dean blushed and glanced over at his brother. “Thanks, Sammy,” he said. “I think I’ll do that.” Still, when Sam said goodbye and hopped in the car, Dean found that he was nervous. His hands shook as he checked in at the hotel, and as he hung up he and Cas’ suits.  


He took a deep breath to steady himself as the sun began to set and then closed his eyes and began to pray.  


“Castiel, if you can hear me and you’re willing to talk...please come to where I am. I have something for you.”  


He heard the rush of wings and then Cas was standing in front of him, looking bewildered. “I thought that you and Sam finished the case,” he said, frowning.  


“We did,” Dean said.  


“Then why are we in this nice hotel?” Cas said. “If we are not investigating.”  


Dean blushed. “I-” he cleared his throat. “It’s a surprise for you. A vacation.”  


Cas blinked at him. “A vacation?”  


Dean nodded and reached for Cas’ hand. The angel’s fingers were cool as they slid through his and at his touch Dean felt some of the tension in his shoulders release. “I thought that it would be nice to be alone for a little bit,” he said, feeling awkward. “We’ve been cooped up in the bunker since you came back, and then I was on a case.” He gave a tentative tug on Cas’ hands and Cas stepped close to him. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas slowly, giving the angel time to pull away if he wanted to. But Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and hugged him back. “I want to take you out tonight, and then tomorrow we can do whatever you want.”  


Cas didn’t reply for a moment and Dean thought he’d miscalculated. But then he felt Cas’ hands rubbing back and forth over his back and realized that the angel was just focused on holding him in that moment. He blushed, but felt himself smile as he tightened his arms around Cas and just...relaxed.  


“I missed you,” Cas said.  


“You too,” Dean replied, turning his head and kissing him on the cheek. “I couldn’t get you out of my head.”  


Cas pulled back and looked up at him, his lips curling into a smile. “I am not sorry to hear it.”  


Dean laughed and glanced down at his watch. “We gotta get ready,” he said. “We have reservations. That is…” he squeezed Cas’ hand. “If you’re up for a night on the town.”  


Cas’ cheeks turned red. “Is this a-a date?” he asked.  


Dean nodded, his throat a little dry. “Yeah,” he managed to say. “It’s a date, Cas. Unless you don’t want it to be.”  


“I do!” Cas said, still blushing adorably. “I do! And I do not see a baby in here for me to watch so...I suppose it really is a date.”  


Dean chuckled, wincing at that memory. “Let’s get ready, then,” he said, pulling their suits out of the closet. They dressed together and then caught a Lyft to the swanky steakhouse in the bottom of an imposing office building. Dean held the door for Cas, and together they walked up to the host stand. A pretty woman wearing a simple black dress greeted them. “Hello, sirs. Do you have a reservation?”  


“Dean and Castiel Winchester,” Dean said. “For our anniversary.” He reached out and took Cas’ hand, glancing at the angel out of the corner of his eye.  


Cas’ eyes were very wide, but he smiled and nodded at the young woman.  


“That’s a lovely name,” she said as she led them to their table. “Castiel. Is it from the bible or something?”  


Cas gave a little nod. “My father was very religious,” he said and it was only through sheer force of will that Dean didn’t snort out loud.  


Once they were seated and had been introduced to their waiter Steven, Dean ordered a bottle of champagne for the table. “Congratulations,” the waiter said. “How long have you two been together?”  


“Eleven years,” Dean said and saw Cas’ eyebrows raise almost to his hairline.  


“Me and my husband just hit seven,” Steven said, grinning at them. “Well, seven together, five married. Any suggestions for us?”  


“This world can be a shitty, uncertain place,” Dean said. “But if you’ve got each other, you’re doing better than most folks. Don’t forget that.”  


There was movement and he saw Cas’ arm extend across the table. “Apologies are nothing without action,” the angel added.  


Dean reached out and took Cas’ proffered hand, feeling something unclench inside himself.  


“You two are adorable,” Steven said. “Let me grab you that champagne.” He hurried off and Dean looked over at Cas, who was watching him closely.  


“Dean,” Cas said, stroking his thumb over the back of Dean’s hand. “This is...I...you didn’t have to do this for me.”  


“I did,” Dean said. “Do you know why I picked this place, Cas?”  


“I assume it is because of the steak.”  


Dean made a little face, then grinned sheepishly at his angel. “The steak doesn’t hurt,” he said. “But no, Cas. When you look at this place, what do you see?”  


Cas looked around, frowning. “It is very open,” he said. “Not much to take cover behind, unless we were to flip a table over.” He nodded his chin towards the window. “A gunman could easily attack from the outside. Or simply watch until we leave.”  


Steven reappeared with the champagne and gave Cas a slightly worried look.  


“We met in the service,” Dean said quickly. “Old habits.”  


Steven inclined his head without comment. “Did you two need a few minutes?”  


“Thanks,” Dean said. “That’d be great.” Once Steven had moved to the next table, he looked back at Cas.  


“It is very open,” Cas said. “And crowded.” He swallowed hard. “I-I take it that is the point?”  


Dean squeezed his hand, nodding. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “That was the point. I want to be seen with you, Cas. I want us to be... _this_ in broad daylight.” He shook his head. “I-I never want you to feel like I’m ashamed of you, or of this.” He sighed. “I...I can’t promise I won’t have my moments where I freeze up and get anxious. I’m working on unlearning a lifetime of bullshit, but I swear to you Cas...I’m _in_ this. I’m yours, if you’ll still have me.”  


Cas was quiet for just long enough for Dean to start getting twitchy before his lips curled into a shy smile. “This is like one of those movies that you enjoy so much. The poultry films. This is the big gesture.”  


Dean snorted on his champagne and did his best to cover his discomfort at the tiny bubbles in his nose. “Chick flicks, Cas. And...yeah, I guess it is.”  


“I do not need big gestures, Dean,” Cas said, squeezing his hand. “I care more about the small ones, if I am honest.”  


“I get it,” Dean said, once his nose stopped burning. “I know it can’t just be one moment that fixes everything. This isn’t a movie.” He squeezed Cas’ hand back. “But I hope this is a decent start.”  


Cas looked up at Dean, the shy, sweet look that melted Dean’s insides into an embarrassing puddle of goo. “It is,” he said softly.  


“I love you, Cas,” Dean said.  


“I love you too,” the angel replied.  


“Even if I’m an assbutt?” Dean said, giving Cas a sheepish smile.  


Cas grinned, some of the tightness leaving the corners of his eyes. “But you are _my_ assbutt,” he said.  


“And you’re my angel,” Dean said, then blushed. _Damn, I am hopeless,_ he thought as he and Cas picked up their menus. When Steven returned, they ordered and when the prime rib arrived Dean thought he might cry again. He did his best to keep from making embarrassing noises, but he caught Cas smiling fondly at him a couple of times as he dug into his meal. By the time they were done, Dean had to acknowledge that he’d eaten more than was probably good for him, but he didn’t give a single damn.  


Steven returned, asking if they wanted dessert, and to his surprise, Cas shook his head. “I think we would like the bill,” Cas said. “My-” he glanced at Dean, blushing. “My partner has consumed an alarming amount of meat.”  


Steven chuckled and if he was weirded out by the angel’s odd way of saying things, he didn’t say anything. Once they were all settled up and Steven tipped very well, they stepped outside into the brisk autumn air.  


“It is beautiful,” Cas said, looking at the lights along the river.  


“Want to go for a walk?” Dean asked, feeling suddenly shy. “It’s only about half an hour back to the hotel.”  


“I could just fly us there,” Cas said with a little smile.  


“Where’s the fun in that?” Dean asked, taking Cas’ hand. Together they walked along the Riverwalk back towards Lake Michigan. They didn’t talk much, but it didn’t feel strained.  


“There are a lot of people out,” Cas noted.  


Dean nodded and felt the familiar sensation of the hair on the back of his neck standing up as he made eye contact with an older couple walking arm in arm along the walk. But he ignored the feeling, giving Cas’ hand a squeeze and pulling him a little closer. “It’s a nice night,” he said. “It’s gonna get real cold here real soon. People want to enjoy it while they can.”  


“Dean...you are squeezing my hand very hard.”  


Dean winced. “Sorry,” he said, loosening his grip.  


“If you are uncomfortable,” Cas said, beginning to pull his hand away. “I can-”  


“I’m ok,” Dean said, pausing in a quiet corner overlooking the water and pulling Cas against him. “Like I said...it’s gonna take me some time.”  


“But you are trying,” Cas said, his breath warm against Dean’s lips as he looked up at him.  


“I am,” Dean said, reaching down and cupping Cas’ cheek. Cas leaned into his touch and Dean’s chest filled with warmth at the look Cas was giving him. “Can I kiss you?” Dean asked, feeling his heart begin to beat faster. “I know I hurt you, Cas, but I-” the angel pressed his lips to Dean’s for only an instant, then pulled away, looking around surreptitiously.  


Dean slid his arms around Cas’ waist and pulled him more firmly against himself, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t quite catch that.”  
Cas’ heart was in his eyes as he tilted his chin up and Dean wasn’t sure which of them leaned in first, but when they came together it felt like coming home. Cas’ lips parted beneath his as the angel made the sweetest, soft sound that robbed Dean of his breath. “I love you,” he managed to whisper against Cas’ lips.  


“I love you too,” Cas said and Dean could hear the smile in his voice. Cas’ arms slid around Dean’s waist as he tucked himself under Dean’s chin and for a long moment they just stood there holding each other. The now familiar feeling of Cas’ body flush against him did its usual to him and Dean could feel his body responding. He leaned down to kiss Cas again, then pulled away regretfully, taking Cas’ hand once more. The last thing he wanted to do after everything that had happened was rush back into bed. He wanted Cas to know that what they had was more than just the physical intimacy they shared.  


So they walked back slowly, enjoying the night, and by the time they got back up to the hotel room Cas was leaning his head against Dean’s shoulder. Dean put his arm around the angel in the elevator and held him close, kissing the top of his head. By the time the elevator stopped, Dean was thinking about crawling into bed with his angel and going to sleep, but it seemed Cas had other ideas.  


Dean had scarcely locked the door behind them when Cas’ arms went around his waist from behind. He felt Cas’ lips against the back of his neck. “Thank you for tonight, Dean,” Cas breathed.  


“Cas-” Dean croaked, turning around and taking Cas into his arms. Cas’ full lips were parted as he looked up at Dean, and it took all of Dean’s self control not to simply devour him. “I don’t want to jump back into bed,” he somehow managed to say.  


Cas glanced down at where Dean’s cock was already straining against the front of his pants. “No?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.  


Dean chuckled and kissed him, stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Fine,” he grumbled against Cas’ lips. “I _want_ to, I always want you, Cas.” He pulled back and caressed his angel’s cheek. “But I don’t want you to feel...used, Cas. Like sex is all I want from you, or is the only part of this that is real.”  


Cas smiled at him, the expression was tender and sweet. “Thank you,” he said, the tops of his cheeks coloring. “Though I won’t object to you _also_ wanting that from me.”  


Dean growled without meaning to and jerked Cas against him, kissing the angel deeply. Cas moaned into the kiss and the sound, coupled with the way his body melted against Dean almost did him in. Cas’ hands were untucking Dean’s shirt and then he was fumbling with the buttons and Dean was struggling not to just pop Cas’ buttons off of his shirt entirely as the two of them undressed each other. They came together in a furious kiss, and Dean moaned as Cas’ hands went up into his hair, pulling him closer. Finally, when they were both only in their boxers, Dean grabbed Cas’ hands and stepped back, panting. Cas was looking up at him with those eyes, those wide, needy eyes and all Dean wanted was to climb on top of him and get him making those sexy noises that drove him crazy. Instead he kissed Cas’ hands and shook his head, smiling. “I have something else in mind,” he somehow managed to pant. “If you can keep it in your pants.”  


Cas smiled at him, his gaze dropping down to the prominent wet spot on the front of Dean’s boxers. “I make no promises.”  


“Give me two minutes,” Dean said. “And no peeking.”  


“I’ll just wait here then,” Cas said with a soft smile, sitting on the edge of the bed and closing his eyes.  


Dean watched him for a second, then hurried into the bathroom and shut the door. Inside he put on the dozen LED “candles” that he’d found with the “realistic flicker action” because the hotel had made it very clear that they’d be happy to sue the pants off of him if he started a fire. Then, he turned to the tub and gave himself a moment to take it all in. The jacuzzi was about fifty percent of why he’d booked this room. It was big enough for at least three people (or two people being somewhat...active), with jets everywhere that you could want them. He ran the water just slightly hotter than his preference, the way Cas liked, and dumped in about half of the little fru-fru bottle of bubble bath he’d found at a nearby boutique. Quickly he realized that that was probably too much as the bubbles formed an amorphous blob on the top of the water, but it smelled really nice and with the “candles” the overall effect wasn’t bad.  


He took a deep breath, went out into the room, and gently touched Cas on the shoulder. “Ready,” he said.  


Cas rose and let Dean lead him into the bathroom, where he stared around with adorably wide eyes. “You did this for me?” he said.  


Dean nodded and stepped up behind him, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist and kissing his cheek. “Do you like it?” he asked.  


“That is insufficient,” Cas said quietly. “Is that clary sage?”  


Dean blushed. “You like that one.”  


Cas turned his head, finding Dean’s lips with his own before turning and wrapping his arms around Dean’s neck. The two kissed, slowly working each other’s boxers off before Dean led Cas over to the tub. He let the angel get in first, listening to Cas’ pleased hiss at the water temperature before joining him. They sat facing each other, with Cas’ legs slung across Dean’s lap, their fingers intertwined somewhere between the bubbles.  


“Are you ready for this?” Dean asked, holding up a finger.  


Then he hit the button. Instantly the bubbles shot out of all the jets and Dean groaned as the ones behind him hit the knots that seemed to live in the middle of his back.  


Cas let out a surprised gasp and his head immediately dropped back, leaning on the towel Dean had rolled up and set on the edge of the tub. “This is...delightful,” he breathed. “I forget sometimes how ingenious humans can be.”  


Dean nodded and leaned his head back and the two of them sat with no sounds but the bubbles for a long time. He felt Cas move, and cracked an eye open to see Cas leaning forward slightly, watching him.  


“You look very peaceful,” Cas said with such tenderness that Dean couldn’t help but reach for him. Cas shifted forward and then snuggled against Dean with a happy little sigh. He rested his hand on Dean’s knee beneath the water, his fingers stroking in a slow circle. “I do not often get to see you look so...relaxed.”  


“You do that to me,” Dean replied, brushing his lips over Cas cheek. The angel turned and caught his lips, kissing him deeply, his hand tightening on Dean’s knee.  


“Do I really?” Cas asked against his lips.  


“I’m the most relaxed I ever am with you,” Dean admitted, leaning his head against Cas’. He smiled wryly. “Most of me, anyway.” He heard Cas let out a soft chuff of laughter, and then moaned as Cas reached behind himself to brush his fingers over Dean’s cock.  


“I am not sorry that you aren’t entirely relaxed,” Cas said, turning around and pressing his lips to Dean’s neck, his tongue flicking against Dean’s adam’s apple.  


“Cas…” Dean moaned as Cas wrapped his hand around his cock, stroking up and down slowly under the water.  


“I’ve missed you,” Cas said, his lips still working against Dean’s neck.  


“Fuck, I’ve missed you too,” Dean moaned, struggling to keep from bucking his hips into Cas’ touch. No one had ever been able to get him so worked up so quickly, and before he really thought about it he was reaching to touch Cas, moaning at how hard his angel already was.  


“Dean!” Cas whimpered, his free hand tightening on Dean’s shoulder.  


“C’mere,” Dean growled, letting go of Cas’ cock so that he could take hold of his hips and lift him into his lap. Cas let out a happy sound, wrapping his legs around Dean’s waist and draping his arms over Dean’s neck. Their cocks brushed together under the water and they both moaned, leaning their foreheads together. “Love you,” Dean murmured, smoothing his hands up and down Cas’ back.  


Cas leaned into his touch, moaning quietly. His hips rocked against Dean’s and Dean gritted his teeth, tightening his grip on Cas. “I love you too,” Cas whispered. “Dean...I want-” he blushed, shaking his head and taking Dean’s cheeks in his hands. They kissed again more deeply this time and Cas was moving restlessly against Dean the whole time.  


“What do you want?” Dean asked because the feelings of Cas moving against him naked and with the heat of the water were rapidly driving any higher thought from his head.  


“You,” Cas whispered. “You, Dean. I want you to-to...to have me.”  


“Jesus, Cas,” Dean groaned, feeling a shudder go through his whole body. “I want that too, babe, I do but...not tonight.”  


“I know,” Cas said. “I know. And I know why, but you feel so good and I want-”  


“Shhh,” Dean murmured, reaching down and stilling Cas’ hips before he threw caution to the wind and took steps neither of them were ready for. He wasn’t prepared for Cas to moan so deeply at his touch. Dean kissed Cas hard, his mouth open, groaning as Cas’ tongue eagerly sought out his own. Cas lifted his hips as they kissed and lowered down, easing Dean’s cock beneath him so that it lay flush along his balls and the cleft of Cas’ ass. Reflexively Dean reached down and grabbed Cas’ ass, steadying him.  


“Sorry!” Cas whimpered, going to rise again. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”  


“It’s ok,” Dean replied, aching with how hard he was as the minute motions of Cas’ hips sent little thrills of pleasure through him. A part of his brain was racing ahead, wondering what it would be like to have Cas this way, up in his lap so eager and vulnerable. How it would feel to slide inside him with Cas’ cock against his own belly, reaching down to touch him as he slid in and out to bring them both over the edge.  


A huge shudder went through Dean and as gently as he could, he eased Cas off his lap. “If you stay in my lap I’m going to do something we both regret,” he gritted out. “Fuck, you make me crazy, Castiel.”  


Cas’ eyes were a little wild. “I won’t regret it,” he said and he sounded so hungry, so needy, that Dean almost jerked him back and said the hell with it.  


But he loved Cas.  


And he was in it for the long-haul.  


“You would,” Dean said, reaching up and caressing Cas’ cheek. “Tomorrow morning you’d be asking yourself if all I wanted from you was an orgasm.” He felt himself give Cas a crooked smile. “And I won’t lie and say I don’t want that from you, Cas, but I want _us_ more.”  


Cas rose up on his knees and kissed Dean gently. “I want us, too,” Cas said, giving him that adorable smile. His expression turned feral. “But I also want you.” He leaned in, nibbling at Dean’s collarbone. “I want you, Dean.”  


Dean shuddered, hugging his angel to him again. “I want you too,” he managed to rasp into his angel’s ear. Cas shivered against him, his hand once again seeking out Dean’s cock.  


“You’re very determined tonight,” Dean said with a ragged chuckle.  


Cas pulled back just slightly, his lips curling into an unfathomable smile. “Yes,” he agreed.  


Dean smiled at him, shaking his head. “We aren’t going to do anything more than what we’ve already done tonight, Cas,” he said firmly. “Not because I don’t want to, but because I want to make sure we are on solid footing before we take any new steps.”  


“I suppose that makes sense,” Cas said and it sounded like he was pouting. “Though my cock disagrees.”  


“It usually does,” Dean said wryly. He grew serious, looking up into Cas’ gorgeous eyes. “What do you want to do, Cas?”  


“I want to get into bed,” Cas said. He smiled at Dean, blushing. “Not for the reasons you might think, but I...I would just like to lie together. It’s been over a week since we last did.”  


“Not that anyone is keeping count,” Dean teased gently.  


“I never used to even notice the passage of a week,” Cas mused. “Odd, perhaps, for the Angel of Thursday. But it was such an infinitesimal piece of time for an angel...why should I notice?”  


“Cas-”  


“But I noticed the passage of this week,” Cas whispered. “I noticed and it seemed so...slow.”  


“Castiel,” Dean somehow managed to croak before he pulled Cas in and kissed him like it had been more than just a week. His tongue teased the angel’s lips open and his whole body tensed as Cas gasped against him, his arms twining around Dean’s neck. Their cocks rubbed together beneath the water and Dean forced himself to be still instead of chasing the friction. “I fucking missed you,” he whispered against Cas’ lips. “So damn much.” He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. “I’ve already learned to hate sleeping alone.”  


Cas leaned in and nibbled Dean’s ear. “I do not sleep, but I much prefer passing those hours in your arms than alone.”  


Dean pulled Cas in for another kiss, stroking his fingers up and down the angel’s back.  


He’d _intended_ for it to be sweet.  


But Cas began moving almost immediately, his hips rocking against Dean as he made those soft, needy noises that drove Dean insane. Before things could go too far, Dean gave Cas a final kiss on the lips and rose, grabbing two white, fluffy towels. “Bed,” he said, only sounding a little needy.  


Cas grinned at him and nodded, rising to accept the towel.  


Together they dried off and then crawled into bed together naked, a step they had not taken before. Dean had always insisted on at least boxers, to spare the sheets he'd always said, but he wondered now if that was as much a part of his bullshit as so many of the other things that had plagued them.  


He pulled Cas against him under the crisp hotel sheets, luxuriating in the feeling of the clearly clean sheets that were a stark contrast to the questionable sheets he was used to. But the feeling of his angel against his body, nothing between them, was infinitely more luxurious than anything any hotel could ever replicate.  


Cas snuggled under his chin, his arm draped across Dean’s belly as he made a happy little sound. “Dean,” he murmured.  


“Cas.”  


Dean was about to say something else, but Cas’ hand began to slide down his stomach towards where Dean’s cock clearly hadn’t gotten the memo that tonight was supposed to be sweet. He reached out and caught Cas by the wrist. “Cas!”  


“Yes?” Cas said, smiling at him.  


Dean couldn’t help but chuckle. “You are tempting me, angel,” he grumbled.  


“Temptation isn’t generally our business, Dean,” Cas said seriously. Then he smiled. “Though I cannot say that I am sorry that you are feeling...tempted.”  


“More than you know,” Dean said, forcing his body to be still so that he could say the next part. “But tonight...can we just do this?”  


Instantly Cas’ hand was at his cheek as the angel kissed him, nodding. Cas draped his leg over Dean’s and the two lay quietly for a few minutes before Dean glanced down at him.  


“So what do you want to do tomorrow?” Dean asked. “We could go out on the Lake, we could go to the aquarium, museums, coffee house? You pick, I’ll do anything you want.”  


“I think I would like to go to the Field Museum,” Cas said, sounding thoughtful. “It would be nice to see Sue again.”  


Dean pulled back a little to look down at Cas, his eyes going wide. “To see the T-Rex? Again?”  


“She was not called ‘Sue’ at the time,” Cas mused. “I am not certain that she would approve of the name. She was very fearsome. Máximo, on the other hand, probably would not have minded. He had a more…’live and let live’ approach to life, though I suppose it was easy to be that way when you were the largest creature to ever walk the earth.” He looked up at Dean, his brow furrowing at the expression on Dean’s face. “We don’t have to do that though,” he hurried to add. “If you would rather do something else.”  


“No,” Dean said, leaning back against the pillows, unable to keep from smiling. “No, by all means, let’s go see the dinosaurs.”  


Cas smiled and nodded, snuggling against Dean once again. Dean could feel his eyelids getting heavy as he tightened his arms around his angel, pressing a kiss to Cas’ hair.  


“Sleep well, Dean,” Cas said, his lips ghosting along Dean’s jaw. “I love you.”  


“G’night, Cas,” Dean murmured, a sense of peace overwhelming him. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be more fluff as the boys go to the museum, as well as some good old fashioned smut. 
> 
> Be safe and well!


	5. For Though it was Day, to Her Surprise They All Went Back to Bed!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unapologetic and undiluted fluff and smut. :) There is a little gentle exploration of kinkier predilections, but mostly it's just our boys enjoying each other and exploring their intimacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning** Reference to a homophobic slur (word itself isn't used)

“Dean?”  


Dean startled awake, half sitting up and glancing at his watch before falling back with a groan. “Cas, it’s seven in the morning!”  


“I wanted to have time before breakfast got here,” Cas said.  


Dean cracked an eyelid, raising an eyebrow as he looked at the angel. “You ordered breakfast?” he asked, feeling a little more awake already.  


Cas was sitting up next to him, still naked. He smiled and nodded, reaching down and taking Dean’s hand.  


“All right, Cas, I’ll bite,” Dean said. “Time for what?”  


Cas let go of his hand before leaning down and pressing his lips to Dean’s. He felt the angel’s cool fingers slide across his chest as Cas slowly eased down next to him with a quiet moan. Dean took Cas into his arms, moaning back as he splayed his hand across Cas’ back and pulled him tightly against himself. Cas was already hard and Dean found he was too, and he hiked Cas’ leg over his hip as the kiss deepened.  


Cas’ tongue was insistent as it sought Dean’s out and his hips were rocking as he clutched at Dean’s shoulders.  


Dean broke the kiss, panting. “Good morning to you too,” he said, grinning.  


Cas smiled back and then kissed Dean’s cheek, slowly moving to his jaw and down to his neck. His hand slid around Dean’s side and began to move down his belly, stroking in slow circles as his mouth pressed to where Dean’s pulse was beating faster and faster. He felt Cas’ tongue flick out and then Cas sucked hard at the juncture of Dean’s neck and shoulder, finishing with a little nip.  


“Cas!” Dean groaned, his hand in Cas’ hair as he continued to kiss down Dean’s body.  


“Dean,” Cas rumbled, tracing his tongue in a slow circle around one of Dean’s nipples and then licking down over his stomach, occasionally following with little nips. His blunt fingernails traced over Dean’s chest as he slid between Dean’s legs. From there he looked up at Dean, his eyes wide. “Can I touch you?” he breathed and Dean saw his cock twitch and begin to leak. Clearly part of him had strong feelings on the subject.  


Dean swallowed hard. “Only if you’re sure, Cas,” he managed to say. “After the other-” and then Cas’ hand closed around his cock and his ability to speak went out the window. Cas stroked him gently, his glorious eyes intent on Dean as his hand worked up and down. He paused, stroking his thumb over the wetness on the tip of Dean’s cock and then down over the seam where the head met the shaft and Dean let out a ragged, pained moan. “Cas!”  


“I want so much to taste you,” Cas said, resuming his stroking. “To feel you in my mouth when I bring you to-” he blushed. “When I make you cum,” he finished.  


“Castiel-” Dean growled, his back arching. He could imagine it so easily, especially with Cas sitting as he was between his legs. He knew he had only to ask and Cas would lean down, his full lips parting and then-he felt Cas’ breath on his cock and his eyes shot open and Cas grinned at him. The angel’s full lips were parted and he let out another huff of air against Dean’s cock, then sat up.  


“You fucking tease,” Dean growled good-naturedly as Cas began to stroke faster, focusing on the top of his cock. “Fuck, Cas!”  


“I have been thinking about this since about 2 AM,” Cas admitted. “Having a penis is very distracting.”  


Dean let out a strangled laugh, his hips rocking. “D-Documentary speak, Cas!”  


Cas blushed. “My cock has been hard since then,” he said, looking down. “It has made it difficult to focus on other things.”  


Dean propped himself up on his elbows. “You didn’t do anything about it?” he asked.  


Cas’ brow furrowed. “I remembered hearing Sam tell you to take a cold shower. So I tried that.” He glanced down at where his own cock was leaking. “But as soon as I got back into bed and started thinking about the things we have done...it came back.”  


Dean was doing everything he could to keep from bursting into laughter at Cas’ admission because it was equal parts utterly adorable and ridiculous.  


Just like Cas.  


Dean reached down and stopped Castiel’s hand, though he was aching for release himself, and looked into the angel’s eyes. “You’ve never...ya know…” he gestured with his hand.  


Cas frowned at him. “Dean, you’ve seen me racking a shotgun many times, I don’t see what that has to do with-”  


“Touched yourself, Cas!” Dean interrupted in a choked voice. His sternum hurt from trying to hold back his laugh. “You’ve never…” _why is this so hard to say?_ “You know…”  


“Are you talking about masturbation?” Cas asked, his eyes suddenly going very wide.  


Dean put his face in his hands. “Yes, Cas,” he said into his palms.  


“I have never done that,” Cas said, the tops of his cheeks very red. “I had never...felt the need to. I-I’m not even sure I know how.”  


“You do all right with me,” Dean teased gently.  


Cas let out a nervous little laugh. “I suppose it would be fairly similar,” he said. “I...I would like to try.”  


“C’mere,” Dean said, sitting up and putting a couple pillows behind his back. “Lean against me. I’ll...talk you through it.” _I can’t believe that I’m about to do this._  


Cas moved immediately, leaning back against Dean and looking over at him with liquid eyes. Dean kissed his lips and then his cheek before bringing his hands up to rub Cas’ shoulders. The angel leaned into his touch, letting out a soft sigh as Dean’s thumbs moved up to the base of his skull.  


“That feels very pleasant,” Cas said, his body relaxing against Dean. “I like to have your hands on me, Dean.”  


Dean felt his cock twitch, but kept massaging Cas’ neck and shoulders. “I like touching you, Cas,” he said. He stayed there, not asking for more or doing more, wondering at how...normal it felt. He’d done the whole massage thing before, with women. He genuinely enjoyed taking his time with his partners, making them feel safe and then blowing their minds. But if you’d told him that he’d be doing it to the muscled, broader shoulders of a man and loving it, well…  


And he _was_ loving it.  


He loved how Cas shifted under his hands, he loved the soft sounds he made, he loved how insanely blown out Cas’ pupils were when they made eye contact.  


“How are you feeling?” Dean asked, brushing his lips against the outer shell of Cas’ ear.  


Cas shivered, arching his back, his hands on the tops of Dean’s thighs. “My body aches,” he whispered and it was so _hungry_ that Dean had his hand around Cas’ body and brushing over his cock before he was even really thinking about what he was doing.  


“What do you want to do about it?” Dean whispered into Cas’ ear, flicking his tongue against Cas’ earlobe before catching it in between his teeth.  


“Dean!” Cas whimpered. “I...I want to-”  


“To touch?” Dean asked and his cock dripped at the thought of watching. Cas being this way...it woke something primal in him that he could scarcely understand. All he knew was that he _needed_ to see it.  


“Yes!”  


“So touch,” Dean breathed into Cas’ ear just to feel him shudder. “I’ve got you.”  


Cas was still for a moment, and then began to slide one hand over to his cock. Dean moved his hand, moving it up to stroke through Cas’ hair as the angel tensed at his own touch.  


“Dean!”  


“Shhhh,” Dean whispered. “Relax, babe, you’re ok. Just do what feels good.”  


Cas shifted suddenly against him, wedging his hips so that he was against Dean’s right inner thigh. “I need to see you,” he said, his eyes wide. “I-I just need to-”  


“It’s ok,” Dean said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “And Cas, you don’t have to do this.”  


Cas looked up at him with the most adorable wry little smile. “I think that I do,” he said. “Or I will not be able to focus on the dinosaurs.”  


Dean laughed and kissed Cas gently, massaging his scalp. “Go ahead then,” he said. He took a deep breath. This had always been so easy with women. He knew just what to say. Still, he had to try. "Yeah," he whispered into Cas' ear. "Stroke that big, hard cock. Mmm, it feels so good when you-"  


To his infinite horror, Cas snorted. “Dean…” he said, his full lips curling into a smile. “You sound like pornography. Can’t you just talk to me like I’m...me?”  


Dean’s cheeks were horribly hot as he blushed and felt like some sort of ridiculous wannabe teenager. He felt Cas’ lips brush against his burning cheeks and opened his eyes to see the angel smiling at him, no judgement at all in his gaze. “Touch yourself, Cas,” he rasped. “Touch yourself the way you would touch me.”  


Cas’ head fell back against his shoulder as the angel let out a soft little moan, his hand wrapping around his cock and beginning to stroke up and down. He was more sure than Dean was expecting, his grip tight around the upper half of his cock as he stroked hard and fast. “Dean!”  


“Are you sure you haven’t done this before?” Dean asked, unable to take his eyes away from the delicious way that Cas’ belly was tensed and the tiny movements of the angel’s hips as he rocked into his own touch.  


“It...it’s easier when I imagine I am touching you,” Cas whispered and Dean couldn’t help but moan softly, brushing his hand over his own cock. Cas’ eyes fluttered open immediately. “Dean-” Cas shuddered and Dean leaned in and licked his neck.  


“Cas, I want to feel your hands on me.” The words made sense now and bubbled from him before he even really thought about them. “I want to feel your hands stroking my cock, I want to feel your perfect fucking lips wrapped around it.” And it was true, it was fucking true, and damn whatever might say about him because the thought of Cas sucking him was driving him crazy.  


“DEAN!” Cas’ eyes were wild when they met Dean’s and he leaned forward for a kiss, his mouth open. His tongue was insistent against Dean’s and the kiss was a sloppy one as Cas moaned and moved, seeking release.  


Dean broke the kiss, breathing hard, and leaned his forehead against Cas’. “I want to feel your mouth, Cas,” he said in a soft, ragged voice. “I want to feel it everywhere you want to put it.”  


“I want to take you in my mouth,” Cas panted. “I want to feel you on my tongue and as far back in my mouth as I am capable of.”  


“Jesus, Cas!” Dean grunted, unable to keep his hand from his own cock now. It was almost unbearably sensitive and wet, but it didn’t matter, none of it mattered because Cas was snuggled up against him making those soft, needy sounds and stroking himself and Dean could hear how wet the angel was and some feral, primal part of him was exulting in the fact that Cas was this way for _him_. “I want to taste you too, babe,” he growled, his hand tightening in Cas’ hair and pulling the angel closer so he could kiss him hard.  


“Really?” Cas whimpered against his lips. “I don’t...it doesn’t...repulse you?”  


“I’m not ready,” Dean admitted. “I won’t let you do it to me until I can return the favor, but fuck no, Cas, it doesn’t repulse me...I...I _want_ it. I love the thought of your mouth on me...and my mouth on you.”  


“How-” Cas moaned, gritting his teeth and slowing his hand, making an obvious effort to bring himself under control. “How would you touch me?”  


Dean shivered. _How **would** I touch him?_ “How would you want me to touch you, Cas?” he asked. “Do you want me to be gentle or-”  


“No,” Cas said, giving a tiny shake of his head. “No, _not_ gentle Dean, I’d want you to-to _have_ me, like I was all you wanted.”  


“Sweetheart, you are so good,” Dean moaned, leaning his head against Cas’. “Fuck, you’re so good to me.” He tightened his hand in Cas’ hair, giving it a little tug that made the angel let out a sharp cry. “Too hard?”  


“More,” Cas grunted, a shudder going through his body as the motion of his hand sped up. “Dean...I want you to pull my hair again.”  


Dean’s cock was dripping and he felt the tension thrumming through him as he leaned in and nipped Cas on the neck, timing it with a sharp tug to Cas’ hair. “You _are_ all I want,” he growled, pitching his voice low and rough into Cas’ ear. “Only you, Castiel.”  


“Dean!” Cas’ voice was desperate. “Dean I-it feel so good! I want-”  


“Tell me what you want,” Dean breathed into Cas’ ear.  


“I don’t know!” Cas said and sounded almost panicked. He was breathing hard, his eyes clenched shut, his lips parted as his breath hitched.  


“Yes you do,” Dean said. “You know what you want, Cas, all you have to do is say it.”  


“I want to cum!” Cas whimpered. “I want to cum, Dean and I want you to cum with me.” He let out a wild little laugh. “I would like my brain to resume functioning.”  


Dean laughed softly and sucked on Cas’ earlobe, earning him another ragged cry from the angel. “I want you to cum, Cas,” he said. “For me, babe, I want you to feel so fucking good.”  


“Dean!” Cas was stroking wildly now, his whole body tense as he gripped Dean’s shoulder. Little tremors were rippling the skin of his belly and Dean found himself wanting to chase them with his tongue and teeth. He gave another pull on Cas’ hair and Cas mewled, clutching at him. “Dean! Dean, I’m-I’m going to-”  


“Cum for me, Cas,” Dean whispered, his own hand stilling as he watched his angel, unable to tear his eyes away. “You look so damn sexy like this, so hard, and wet, and needy, and I want you to cum so hard-”  


Cas _screamed_ , but Dean had known it was coming and caught Cas’ lips with his, giving him a deep kiss as the angel spasmed and bucked against him. Cas was letting out the most incredible moans and whimpers into the kiss and Dean could feel how close hearing Cas that way was getting him. Still, he didn’t touch, but instead cupped Cas’ cheek and held him as he came down.  


“Dean!” Cas panted against his lips and when he opened his eyes they were shiny. A fine sheen of sweat covered Cas’ body, and in his glistening eyes his pupils had turned all but the outer circle black. His lips were reddened by the intensity of their kiss, and they were open as Cas visibly struggled to get hold of his breathing. And when Dean let his gaze wander down, he saw that Cas had managed to get streaks of cum on both of them. And for a second he felt a flare of _heat_ inside him at the sight of Cas’ cum on him, because it was Cas and there was a primal sort of possessiveness to it. As though Cas had _marked_ him and fuck if that wasn’t hot and sweet and so, so, _good._  


And then it hit him suddenly and out of nowhere, the sense of deep shame not just at the sight of another man’s cum dribbling down his own belly, but that the inescapable truth that he was _turned on_ by it. The shame didn’t care that the turn-on was that it was _Cas’_ cum and that’s why it was hot. It made no such fine distinctions. _You like having a dude’s cum on you, you fucking-_ and there was the word he’d learned from his father, who would have been ashamed to find his son in bed with another man, covered in that man's cum. The urge to leap out of bed and shower poured over him like a bucket of cold water and he saw to his horror that he was beginning to soften as the shame and guilt took hold.  


“Dean,” Cas breathed, his eyelids fluttering.  


Dean forced himself to focus on Cas and nothing but Cas, looking down at his lover as he lay there basking in the afterglow. “You’re gorgeous,” he rasped, caressing Cas’ cheek. And it was true. Cas looked utterly _wrecked_ and it was undeniably hot as hell. A little of the tension left him as he forced himself just to focus on the man he held, the man who trusted him, the man who he loved and needed.  


“So damn gorgeous,” he repeated, and saw Cas’ lips curl into a smile as he blushed. “And so good to me.”  


“But you didn’t-”  


“I don’t care, Cas,” Dean said, nuzzling against Cas’ neck and trailing kisses back up to his lips. “Thank you for being that way with me.” _Even if I don’t deserve it,_ he thought.  


Cas murmured happily and turned his head, kissing Dean tenderly and then curling up against his shoulder.  


“So…” Dean said, hoping to keep Cas’ attention away from where he was only semi-hard as his body warred with his mind. “Hair pulling, huh? Never figured you for liking it rough.”  


“I was a warrior in Heaven, Dean,” Cas said wryly. “And enough of a masochist to befriend the Winchesters. Surely it isn’t so shocking that I enjoy a little pain.” He cracked an eyelid and raised an eyebrow and the statement was equal parts adorable and sexy. “What about you?” he asked, his fingers stroking up over Dean’s neck and twining into his hair. He gave a gentle tug and Dean grunted. Cas’ eyes were searching his and Dean grinned sheepishly at him.  


“There’s your answer,” he said, gesturing down to where his cock was no longer showing any evidence of earlier hesitation. “I don’t mind a little pain,” he said and heard the note of challenge in his voice as he met the angel’s intense eyes.  


Cas kissed him by way of answer, his tongue stroking along Dean’s before he broke the kiss and nipped at Dean’s neck. “One moment,” he said, arching his back and reaching for the box of tissues on the nightstand. Dean watched as Cas cleaned them both up and heard himself chuckle at the face Cas was making. “You were correct. It does get rather...cold.”  


“I hate to say ‘I told you so’-”  


“You _love_ saying ‘I told you so’,” Cas said. “The only person you enjoy saying it to more than me is your brother.”  


Dean snorted and kissed his angel, opening his eyes when Cas didn’t cuddle back against him. Cas’ eyes were open, which was unnerving, and Dean pulled back to look at him. “What’s up, Cas?” He realized, to his shame, that he was having a much easier time slipping back into banter now that Cas’ cum was no longer on his body. _I am such a damn trainwreck._  


“Can I hold you?” Cas askeed. “The way you were just holding me. I think I would like to feel you against me that way.”  


Dean blushed, feeling suddenly self-conscious. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Cas to hold him that way. In fact, it was the opposite. He wanted it so much that it was a little bit embarrassing. But this embarrassment was different. It wasn’t the kind that made the shame writhe around inside him. This was more...the same embarrassment he felt about loving chick-flicks, or his fondness for antique sleepwear. It made him feel soft and a little silly.  


“If you don’t want to-”  


Dean turned and, well, there was no other word for it, _snuggled_ against Cas, leaning his back against the angel’s chest and tilting his head back on Cas’ shoulder. He heard Cas make a surprised little sound, followed by a hum of pleasure as one of his hands came up and began to stroke through Dean’s hair. Dean sighed happily at the touch, pulling the blankets up to cover their legs.  


“Dean?”  


“Mmmm?”  


“I will be honest with you about something, if you will return the favor.”  


_Shit._ “All right,” Dean said aloud, feeling his heart rate start to pick up.  


“Did it make you uncomfortable to have my semen on your body?”  


Dean flinched, dragging one hand down his face. “Documentary-speak, Cas,” he said to buy himself some time.  


Cas huffed. “Will calling it ‘cum’ significantly change the question?” he asked, and Dean heard the slightly brittle edge to his voice. Damn it. Cas was worrying and it was his fault.  


“No,” Dean admitted. “It won’t. I...damn it, Cas...what you just shared with me, I _loved_ it, ok? I don’t want you to doubt that. It was hot as hell and I can’t wait to do it again.”  


“But?”  


Dean sighed. “But...yeah. I had a moment where I freaked out a little on the inside.”  


“And the outside,” Cas said. “You started to lose your erection.”  


_How had he fucking noticed?_ “Cas-”  


“I won’t do it again, if it makes you uncomfortable,” Cas said quickly. “I did not mean to get any on you, I just-”  


“Stop, babe,” Dean said, half turning so that he could cup Cas’ cheek and look into his eyes. “Breathe, please.”  


Cas took a shuddering breath, his eyes worried as they searched Dean’s. “I didn’t mean to-”  


“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dean repeated, giving him a tender kiss on the lips. “I promise. My reaction had nothing to do with you, Cas.” He looked into Cas’ eyes. “Do you believe me?”  


Cas was still for a moment before nodding. “I never want you to feel uncomfortable with me, though,” he said, leaning his forehead against Dean’s.  


Dean shrugged. “I know and I love you for it. I just...it’s just one of those things I am going to have to get used to.”  


“You don’t have to get used to it if I stop-”  


“But I don’t _want_ you to stop,” Dean said and hoped that Cas could hear how sincere he was being. “Cas...before my brain decided to be a dick, do you know what I was thinking?”  


Cas shook his head.  


“How _hot_ it was,” Dean said bluntly. “Like you were…” he blushed. “I don’t know...staking a claim on me or something. It felt...raw.”  


To his surprise, Cas let out a low chuckle that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “Dean...I am surprised you see something as transient as semen as a representation of that when I have marked your body in far more permanent ways.” He leaned in and his voice dropped to a soft growl that had Dean as hard as a rock and dripping in an instant. “My warding is carved into your very _bones_ , Dean Winchester. I should think that would do far more to signify a ‘claim’ than my cum on your stomach.”  


“Jesus fucking Christ, Castiel,” Dean moaned, his whole body abruptly going tense. The combination of the words and the way Cas had growled them made his entire body light up with need. There was something feral and dark in Cas’ voice, and in his gorgeous eyes. “I need you,” Dean whispered, wrapping his hand around his cock and beginning to stroke. It was almost embarrassing how close he already was. His cock was so hard it was almost painful and he could feel the tension deep in his belly his body chased its release. The head of his cock was soaking wet and he let out a little cry when Cas brushed his fingers over it in a slow circle. “Cas!” He half turned, wedging his body against Cas as the angel had with him, looking up into the seraph’s watchful eyes.  


“I want you to feel good, Dean,” Cas said, flicking his tongue against Dean’s ear and then nipping his neck. His hand in Dean’s hair was stroking, his fingernails digging in just slightly. Then, abruptly, his hand tightened and he pulled Dean’s head back against his shoulder, baring his throat. His lips were there in an instant, kissing, followed by the brief flares of pain from not so gentle nips.  


Dean moaned, feeling his cock jerk in his hand. “Fuck, oh fuck Cas!”  


“Too hard?” Cas breathed into his ear, but Dean could hear the smile in his voice.  


“Harder,” Dean growled and when Cas pulled Dean felt his whole body go rigid for an instant.  


“I want you to cum, Dean,” Cas said, his fingertips still stroking the head of Dean’s cock as his other hand held Dean in place by the hair.  


“Cas-”  


He felt the angel shift just slightly, and then the warm moisture of Cas’ breath in his ear. “Cum for me, Dean,” he whispered. He hesitated and then his voice dropped lower. “Cum on me. Lay your claim, as I have laid mine.”  


Dean went careening over the edge in an instant, howling with need and release as Cas crushed his lips against his. The deep thrums of pleasure tore through his body like an earthquake, shaking everything down to its foundations and leaving him completely wrecked and _ruined_ because he knew down deep in his soul that no one would ever make him feel this way again. He _belonged_ to Cas, body and soul. Tears were streaking down his face, so intense was the release, and he felt Cas’ gentle hand wipe them away.  


“I have got you,” Cas said, nuzzling against his neck and folding Dean into his arms. “I have got you. It’s all right.”  


“Cas-” Dean panted, whimpering as the aftershocks raced through his body and his cock gave a tired twitch. “Cas I-I-”  


"I love you too,” Cas said, kissing his cheek.  


Dean nodded and allowed himself to go limp against his angel while his heart slowed and his breathing returned to normal. He had no idea how much time had passed when he finally opened his eyes to find Cas watching him. He felt Cas move and shifted a little in time to see the streaks of his own cum on Cas’ belly.  


“Sweet merciful fuck,” he breathed, unable to tear his eyes away and unable to deny that he felt a surge of possessiveness at the sight.  


“You were very...thorough,” Cas said with a little smile. “I consider myself claimed.”  


“You are,” Dean rasped, pulling him down for a kiss. “For as long as you’ll have me, Cas.”  


Cas moaned softly into the kiss, then pull back, his eyes intent on Dean's. He brushed his fingertips through Dean's cum and then, as Dean watched, transfixed, brought his fingers to his lips. His tongue flicked out to taste as he held Dean’s eyes and he smiled a stupidly hot, sultry smile and fucking did it again. “It is good to taste you,” he breathed and something in Dean _broke._  


“Castiel,” Dean growled and before Dean knew what he was doing he was turning around and pushing Cas down onto the bed, stretching out on top of him. Nevermind that his cum was getting smeared on both of their chests and bellies. Nevermind that it was sticky. He’d just watched Cas take it into his mouth and smile like the cat that had gotten into the damn cream and all he wanted in the world was to feel Cas’ body beneath him.  


“Dean,” Cas moaned, his legs wrapping around Dean and pulling him tighter. They both cried out as their cocks rubbed together and Cas’ hands were gentle as they stroked up and down Dean’s back.  


“You’re perfect,” Dean panted, realizing that he’d begun thrusting against Cas like a ridiculous horny teenager, but it didn’t matter because Cas was meeting him thrust for thrust as they both chased something that Dean knew that he wasn’t ready for. “Cas, you’re so damn perfect for me. You feel incredible, babe, you _are_ incredible.”  


“I am just me,” Cas whispered and it was so sincere that Dean had to kiss him and for a second he thought he could taste himself on Cas’ lips and it was because Cas had wanted so badly to taste his cum and that was the hottest thing that he could imagine, but also the dark part of his brain was trying throw _that_ word at him again. Dean shook his head, not letting himself break the kiss, instead rolling and pulling Cas on top of him so that he could run his hands all over every bit of exposed skin that he could reach.  


“That’s all I want,” Dean whispered. “Just you.”  


“I’m yours,” Cas said, giving him a soft, radiant smile. “As I think we have established.” He sat up, stroking his hand over his belly where the streaks of cum had dried into vague chalky marks. He looked like he was about to say something else when there was a knock on the door.  


“Room service!”  


“Coming!” Cas replied and Dean thought that the angel had the audacity to wink at him before climbing off of Dean’s body and grabbing a robe. He tossed it to Dean and took the other for himself before opening the door. Dean resisted the urge to lunge into the bathroom and hide. He and Cas had just shared something that he wasn’t quite sure how to process. He was _not_ going to desert him now.  


“Good morning, sirs,” the young man said, pushing in a cart. He was tall and skinny, probably not more than twenty if that, and wore a name tag that said Marco.  


Dean felt the instinctive rush of paranoia, searching the young man’s face for signs of judgement or ridicule. But the expression that met his scrutiny was one of friendly professional detachment.  


“Biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, two sides of thick-cut bacon, one side of sausage, coffee, and our seasonal fruit salad?” Marco said.  


“Accurate and timely,” Cas said, hurrying to his pants and fishing out his wallet. He pulled out a twenty and handed it to the young man. “Thank you, Marco.”  


“Anything else I can get you gentlemen?”  


“I do not believe so, Dean?”  


Dean shook his head. “Nah, I think we’re good, Marco...thanks.”  


Marco smiled at them and hurried from the room, and when the door clicked shut behind him he felt his shoulders relax a little. _There, had that been so bad?_  


He rose and went to Cas, wrapping his arms around him from behind and kissing the top of his shoulder. “Thank you for breakfast,” he said. “Smells awesome.”  


“Thank you for staying out here with me,” Cas replied, leaning his head against Dean’s.  


Dean let out a rueful chuckle. “Stay out of my head, angel.”  


Cas snorted. “For someone who loves poker so much, you can be terrible at bluffing.”  


Dean stepped around to the front of Cas, taking his hands and growing serious. “Only when it comes to you,” he said. “And this.” He sighed, looking into his angel’s beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I-”  


“You promised me that you would try,” Cas said calmly. “And you stayed here, instead of diving into the bathroom or crawling under the bed.” He reached up and cupped Dean’s cheek and his expression was so tender that Dean felt his throat close up and start to burn. “I would call that trying, Dean.”  


Dean pulled him in for a hug, resting his chin on Cas’ shoulder and tightening his arms until Cas let out an amused little chuff. “Thank you,” he whispered.  


Cas nodded and gave Dean a kiss on the cheek. “So...food first, or shower first?”  


“Food,” Dean said immediately.  


Cas’ eyes were wide when he pulled back and looked at him. “I would have thought-”  


“Food,” Dean repeated. “It’ll get cold and we’re already-” he blushed.  


Cas stepped close again, his eyes wide and innocent. “Dirty?” he asked.  


Dean kissed him with a growl, aware there was a stupid smile on his face. “All right,” he said, swatting Cas on the ass. “Laying it on a bit thick.”  


Cas grinned and together they sat down and tucked into the spread. The bacon was perfectly cooked, as was the sausage, and the eggs were that perfect kind of dry diner eggs that killed a hangover. 

He looked up from constructing himself a breakfast sandwich to catch a worried look flicker across Cas’ face. “What’s up?” he asked, taking a bite. Damn, that was really good bacon.  


“I thought that you liked biscuits and gravy,” Cas said, frowning.  


Dean lowered his sandwich and swallowed. “I...I do,” he said. “I love you for ordering it.”  


“But…?”  


He sighed and put the sandwich down, wiping his hands on one of the linen napkins and reaching for Cas’ hand. “Do you know why I like them?” he asked, stroking his thumb over the back of Cas’ hand.  


“I assumed because of the sausage,” Cas said.  


Dean chuckled. “Getting fresh with me, angel?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.  


Cas frowned and then blushed. “I did not intend the euphemism,” he said.  


“I know,” Dean said. “But you’re cute when you blush.” He grew serious. “The reason I love biscuits and gravy is because...well, Bobby used to make it. For special occasions, birthdays, Christmas, and stuff. It was his thing.” He glanced at the slightly anemic looking plate of biscuits and gravy and shrugged a shoulder. “I-it’s just hard to eat it when it’s not his,” he said. If he thought about it he could see “Grandma Singer’s Mile High Biscuits” and Bobby’s spicy sausage gravy that looked like something that you’d use to fix a pothole but tasted like heaven. Bobby guarded the recipes for both with intensity he normally reserved for dangerous pieces of lore. “I miss him,” he said. “I wish I’d known the last time I was eating it that it was the last time...I might have appreciated it more.” To his horror, his voice had gotten a little hoarse. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to-”  


“Thank you for telling me,” Cas interrupted. “I didn’t mean to make you sad.”  


“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dean said, smiling at him and wiping his eyes on the napkin. “You were doing something sweet, and I appreciate it.”  


Cas kissed his knuckles and Dean blushed at the gesture. “We have plenty of food,” Cas said in a businesslike tone. He put the metal dome back over the biscuits and gravy and helped himself to some sausage and fruit before smiling tentatively at Dean. “I will not be offended if you don’t eat it,” he said gently.  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said. He picked up his sandwich and tucked back in, enjoying watching Cas eat. The angel didn’t need to, of course, but he did love a good sausage link (no pun intended). Dean poured coffee for them both and it felt incredibly domestic to sit and enjoy breakfast just the two of them.  


They passed a blissful half an hour or so this way before Dean forced himself to stop eating before he overdid it and leaned back with a sigh. “Thank you, Cas,” he said.  


Cas, who had stopped eating before him, smiled and rose. “Shower?” he asked mildly. He untied his robe and let it drop to the ground and Dean caught his breath at how the early morning light slanted across his angel’s body. The muscles of Cas’ abdomen shifted as Cas rolled his shoulders back and rested his hands on his hips. His cock was already semi-hard and Dean found himself staring at it, feeling his own responding.  


“Dean?”  


“Hmmm?”  


“My eyes are up here.” There was a note of fond amusement in his voice and Dean blushed as he rose and let his own robe drop to the ground.  


“Sorry,” he said, pulling Cas against him and kissing him.  


“I don’t really mind,” Cas replied, stroking his fingertips up and down Dean’s back.  


“Come on,” Dean said, taking Cas’ hand. “Let’s get cleaned up.”  


He lead Cas into the bathroom, choosing to leave the door open rather than turn on the lights, and turned on the massive rainfall shower. When it was warm he stepped under, pulling Cas along with him, and kissed him again. Cas let out a happy sigh and leaned against him, his hands resting in the small of Dean’s back. They stayed that way for awhile, just holding each other under the water, before Cas leaned back and picked up a washcloth and one of those little bottles of shower gel provided by the hotel. He opened it and a bright, citrusy scent filled the shower.  


“Can I wash you?” Cas asked.  


Dean nodded and heard himself moan as Cas snuggled against him again, rubbing the washcloth over the back of Dean’s neck, down his shoulders, and down his back. He held on to his angel, his knees almost going weak at the feeling of Cas’ strong hands massaging him. “You feel amazing,” he whispered and Cas kissed the corner of his lips, pulling back just a little. He brought the washcloth over the top of Dean’s shoulders and then scrubbed it gently over Dean’s chest and down over his stomach. Dean’s body tensed as Cas went lower, and even though he was expecting it, he still let out a gasp when Cas wrapped the washcloth around his cock and began to stroke slowly. Dean widened his stance, aching for more, and Cas was quick to oblige. Dean felt the washcloth slide down and then Cas was cupping his balls, stroking them with the soapy washcloth until Dean was making soft, needy noises. Then, abruptly, the glorious torture stopped as Cas _sweet merciful fuck_ dropped to his knees and began to wash Dean’s legs.  


“Castiel,” Dean growled.  


Cas glanced up and even in the dim light of the bathroom Dean could see the need in his angel’s eyes. Cas reached up with one soapy hand and took hold of Dean’s hand. Then, without breaking eye contact, he brought it to the back of his head.  


“Cas!” A powerful shudder went through Dean’s body and his hand reflexively tightened in Cas’ hair. “Damn it, Cas, you aren’t playing fair!”  


“I’m merely being thorough, Dean,” Cas replied, beginning to trail the wash cloth up and down the insides of Dean’s thighs. He leaned in, pressing his lips to the front of Dean’s right thigh and Dean gasped. 

"Fuck, you make me crazy,” Dean growled. He felt Cas’ smile against his skin and then the washcloth was back, cupping his balls tenderly as Cas’ other hand wrapped around his cock and began to stroke. Dean cried out, wildly fumbling with his free hand and catching the support rail. He clung to it, his other hand fisting in Cas’ hair as the angel teased and stroked him. The washcloth on his balls was blowing his mind and it was clear that Cas was absorbing that information, storing it away for later.  


“Does that feel good?” Cas breathed in a ridiculously soft, sexy voice, and Dean growled, giving Cas’ hair a not-so-gentle tug. “Fuck yes, Cas!”  


Cas murmured happily and increased his pace. “I want you to cum, Dean,” he said and there was a note that hadn’t been there before. Almost...commanding. “While I’m on my knees in front of you.”  


“Castiel-”  


“And if it gets on my face,” Cas said hungrily. “Then so much the better.”  


Dean felt his body curl in on itself as he moaned. That wasn’t normally his thing. He wasn’t the kind of guy who needed the “money shot”. But the idea that Cas wanted it... _fuck_ that drove him crazy. “Cas!” Dean whimpered, feeling his body growing tense. “Cas you don’t have to do this!” He needed Cas to know that he wasn’t expecting anything like this. “I don’t want you to feel cheap, or used or-”  


“Dean,” Cas said. “I want this, as long as you do. As long as you are all right.”  


“Cas...damn it, Cas!” Dean forced his eyes open so he could look down at where Cas was watching him. “I want it!” he ground out. “Fuck, I don’t even recognize the person I am with you but fuck yes just please, please make me cum before I lose my damn mind!”  


Cas smiled and redoubled his efforts, stroking hard and fast while cupping Dean’s balls in the washcloth and it was so good, so perfect that Dean knew he wasn’t going to last.  


“Cas!” he moaned. “Cas, oh fuck, Cas! Cas! CAS!”  


And then Cas was dragging him over the edge as Dean clung to his hair and the shower bar, feeling his knees going weak as orgasm hit him like a city bus. His moans reverberated around the bathroom as Cas quietly encouraged him. When he was spent he sagged against the wall, releasing Cas’ hair to grip the shower bar with both hands. “Cas!” he groaned.  


Cas’ voice came from further away than he was expecting and suddenly there was light shining through Dean’s closed eyelids. “Dean…look.”  


Dean cracked an eyelid open, wincing a little at the sudden brightness. Cas had turned on the bathroom lights and was standing outside of the rainfall shower, his gorgeous eyes wide. There were streaks of cum on his face and in his damp hair and Dean felt his cock give a hard jerk, despite being spent. “What the hell have you done to me?” he growled. He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace as the aftershocks continued to hit. “I’m not-I’m not this guy!”  


“Which guy?” Cas asked, still watching from outside the water.  


“Come here,” Dean said, reaching for Cas. He saw the angel glance in the mirror and give a soft little smile before stepping back under the water. Tenderly Dean washed Cas off, picking up his own wash cloth to wash off Cas’ face and stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. He put the citrusy bath gel on the wash cloth and began to run it over Cas’ body, starting at his neck and shoulders and slowly working his way down. He slid his arms around Cas’ waist and kissed his cheek, over to his lips. “Are you ok?” he asked. “You don’t feel...uncomfortable? Or...or-”  


“I don’t feel used,” Cas said softly. “Or cheap, or anything else that you are worrying about.” Dean could hear the smile in his voice. “I did _ask_ you to do it, Dean.”  


“Why?” Dean asked.  


“The same reason as before,” Cas said with a little shrug. “I like to feel like I belong to you.”  


Dean swallowed hard and pulled back a little. “Cas...I-I don’t think I can…”  


“I don’t expect you to,” Cas said with a little shrug.  


Dean kissed him again, parting his lips and eagerly accepting Cas’ tongue as they leaned against one another. “I want to be ready,” he whispered against Cas’ lips. “I do, Cas.” He slid the washcloth down the flat plane of Cas’ stomach, kissing the angel’s neck as he wrapped his hand around Cas’ cock and began to mimic Cas’ actions with the wash cloth. He felt Cas tense against him, and then Cas was clutching at his shoulders, his hips moving with every stroke of Dean’s hand.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned, his lips against Dean’s neck.  


“I want you so much it hurts,” Dean said, reaching down to cup Cas’ balls. Cas mewled against his neck, spreading his own legs. “I want to be everything that you want and need, Cas.”  


“You are!” Cas whimpered.  


“Not yet,” Dean said, sliding the wash cloth back up and beginning to wash Cas as tenderly as the angel had washed him. “But I’ll get there, Cas.” He took his time, running his hands over Cas’ chest and stomach, then his arms, before pausing. “I’ll get there,” he said again, giving Cas a kiss on the lips. “In the meantime...let me take care of you.” Then he took Cas in hand again and began to stroke him. He had to admit, when Cas whimpered and writhed against him, that the angel’s trick of using the washcloth on his balls had been a brilliant one. Cas was moving in the sexiest ways, his hips twitching and rocking as his belly tensed. Dean cupped him with the hand holding the washcloth and stroked his cock with the other hand, and he heard himself growling endearments to Cas as he pushed him towards the edge. “You’re so sexy like this Castiel,” he whispered, slowing for a moment to focus on the head of Cas’ cock and hearing the angel cry out his name, his whole body jerking. “I love how you look, how you sound. You’re so good, babe, you’re doing so good!”  


“Dean!” Cas all but sobbed and his nails dug into the tops of Dean’s shoulders as he clung to him like a drowning man. “Dean, please!”  


“Please what?” Dean whispered, even though he knew. He loved hearing Cas say it.  


“Dean, please make me cum!” Cas groaned. “Please, please, please!”  


And hearing Cas panting those words almost like a prayer made Dean growl, filling his mind with images of other ways he could elicit that same response. “Cum for me, Cas!” Dean growled into Cas’ ear, nipping at his earlobe. “I’ve got you. You’re so good to me, so fucking perfect for me!” He took a deep breath. “I liked the feeling of your cum on me earlier, Cas,” he said, because it was true. “One day...I swear I’ll let you put it wherever you want.”  


Cas _screamed_ , his whole body going abruptly so tense it was as though he’d been struck by lightening. Then he was thrashing, clinging to Dean, all but sobbing as he came. Dean was watching, because he couldn’t help but watch, and he saw Cas’ cum shoot out over his stomach before being washed away by the shower. He gave a shudder of his own and stroked Cas through his aftershocks until the angel softly asked him to stop. But something was wrong, there was a raggedness to Cas’ voice.  


“Cas?” Dean whispered, rubbing Cas’ back. “You ok?”  


To his horror, Cas sniffled and nuzzled into his neck.  


_Oh no, oh shit, what have I fucking done?_ “Sweetheart?” Dean said gently. “What’s wrong?”  


Cas let out a little shuddering sob and shook his head, pulling back to look at Dean with eyes that shone. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said, his voice wobbling. He took a deep breath and when he spoke, his words came out in a rapid torrent. “Nothing is wrong, Dean I-I have lived for eons and I have never known joy or peace like I feel in your arms and it feels...like sacrilege almost because I have known Heaven’s light and yet I would rather be _here_ for all of eternity.”  


“Cas,” Dean whispered and then kissed him because what the hell could he possibly say to that?  


“I love you, “Cas whispered against his lips.  


“I love you too,” Dean replied, holding Cas against him as the angel shook, his body clearly still coming down. He waited until Cas had gone still, then turned off the water and grabbed some towels. 

They dried each other off and dressed before Dean pulled Cas against him again. “About what you said,” he said, hearing the roughness in his own voice. “Cas...thank you. It meant the world to me and I swear I’m going to spend the rest of my life trying to deserve it.” He brushed his knuckles over Cas’ cheek. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here...with you.”  


They shared a kiss that was languid and tender, their hands lightly roaming each other’s backs. There was heat, there was always heat, but it mostly felt warm, and comforting, and beautifully familiar. When they broke the kiss, they leaned their foreheads together, both breathing a little hard. “I love you,” Dean said.  


“I love you too, Dean,” Cas murmured, smiling up at him radiently.  


“So,” Dean said, glancing at his watch before reaching down to take Cas’ hand. “It’s only ten, want to go visit your friends? The museum should be open now.”  


Cas nodded and gave Dean’s hand a little squeeze. “I would like that,” he said. “It will be nice to see them again.”  


They gathered their coats and Cas gave him a tender smile as he wrapped a scarf around the angel’s neck. “Wind off of Lake Michigan is brutal,” Dean said a little gruffly, tying his own scarf. “Trust me.” Taking a deep breath, Dean straightened, putting his shoulders back and holding out his elbow to Cas like he was the damn Beast and Cas was Belle. “Let’s go visit some dinosaurs.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The date at the museum is the next chapter! I hope that you are all enjoying and didn't mind another smutty chapter. I know that I haven't had them go all that far yet, but I really want them to have the chance to take their time and arrive at new levels of intimacy in a way that feels organic and true to character. In the meantime, I hope that this was still fun to read.
> 
> See you all soon!


	6. Light Goes the Weather-Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Cas out to the Field Museum where his resolve to be more present and not let his fear get the better of him is tested. The trip also brings up some dark memories from his childhood.
> 
> This chapter is about 90% fluff, and then 10% Dean struggling with the ways his past has shaped him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING** Child Abuse

The early October air was surprisingly frigid as Dean and Cas left the hotel and began to walk south along Lake Michigan. Cas had offered to fly him, as well as to pay for a Lyft, but after their breakfast Dean thought that a walk would be good for him. Cas agreed good-naturedly and then nestled against Dean and Dean luxuriated in the feeling of holding Cas against him for about three-quarters of the trip before he realized that Cas was intentionally acting as a windbreak for the chill winds that blew in off the lake. He grumbled and tried to switch places, but Cas refused. So he put his arm around Cas’ waist, let the angel walk between him and the wind, and listened as Cas talked about the glaciers that had once covered the area.  


He was pretty chilly once they arrived at the museum, the walk had taken close to an hour, but Cas was still snuggled up against his side, so it didn’t matter. He didn’t let go of his angel until he had to buy the tickets, but as soon as his wallet was put away Cas’ fingers had twined through his. Dean smiled and let the angel lead him into the museum proper, where he let out a low whistle.  


“Damn,” he breathed. The plaque said that the Titanosaur Máximo the Patagotitan was the biggest creature to ever walk the earth and he _believed_ it. Its femur was as tall as he was! He looked down the length of the enormous sauropod and saw that its head looked ridiculously tiny in the distance where it was comfortably “looking” into the second floor of the museum.  


They passed under its belly and Dean looked up into its ribs, feeling like an awestruck child. Máximo towered over him and if Dean closed his eyes, he swore he could hear the great beast breathing. He peered up into the great ribcage, trying to imagine the size of the heart and lungs a creature like that would need to simply exist.  


“You’re staring,” Cas said, smiling.  


“This is...humbling,” Dean said and the word felt like the right one. “These guys were around a lot longer than us. And I mean...look at it!”  


“Have you never seen a dinosaur in person before?” Cas asked.  


Dean snorted. “Not all of us are eons old, Castiel,” he teased under his breath. He gave Cas a sassy smile. “I just had a thought,” he murmured into the angel’s ear. “Does that make me your boy toy?”  


“I do enjoy...playing with you,” Cas replied softly and Dean’s breath caught in his throat. He glanced over and saw Cas giving him a look and Dean had to force himself to keep his breathing even. “But I meant in a museum. Have you never seen an articulated dinosaur skeleton?”  


“We weren’t really a ‘museum family’,” Dean said and heard the note of bitterness in his voice. Dean sighed. “Sam and I were about as different as kids as we are now,” he said as they came around the plinth that held Máximo’s forelegs. Dean reached out and brushed his fingers over the huge digits and felt an odd pull behind his sternum. It was an ancient sort of feeling, the way you’d feel next to a Sequoia. It was that sense of being so tiny in the grand scheme. “But in ‘93 we were united in a common mission: See Jurassic Park.”  


Cas nodded. “The one with the man with his dinosaur friends.”  


“No!” Dean exclaimed loudly enough to startle a little girl with pigtails and skin the color of cedar who was leaning forward and sniffing Máximo’s front claws. “No,” he said in a more moderate voice. 

“That’s Jurassic World, Cas, totally different animal. No, Jurassic Park is a classic and I don’t have words for how ground-breaking it was when it came out. The dinosaur information, the CGI, all of it.” He gave an awkward cough. “ _Sam_ was real excited about it,” he said gruffly. “All he talked about for weeks was Bob Bakker and how the movie was going to change how we saw dinosaurs.” 

_“Dad, please, it’s on the multiplex down the street. Dean and I will be safe, can’t we-”_  


_“No. It’ll come out on VHS and then we can rent it. You don’t need to be going to a theater.”_  


_It was one of the few times that Dean had argued with their father, his heart aching at the disappointment on Sam’s face. “We’ll take our pistols, Dad,” Dean said. “We’ll be careful-”_  


_“I said, no.”_  


_He hated the way Sam got abruptly quiet, the torrent of dinosaur facts suddenly halting like someone shut a sluice gate. Sam had been talking about it for **weeks** and it was still opening weekend. He wanted his brother to be a part of this thing that was going to mark a generation. Sam had locked himself in the bathroom after John had left, coming out a while later with puffy, red eyes._  


_The sight of his brother so unhappy over something so little had snapped something in Dean. So, he’d taken Sam to the movies using money he’d been socking away for a rainy day. He'd brought his gun, of course, but mostly he focused on making sure Sam had popcorn and a soda. He’d held his little brother’s hand when the T-Rex attacked the car with the kids in it. He’d pretended not to see when Sam had closed his eyes when the raptors stalked the kids in the kitchen. He’d cheered with Sammy when Rexy had saved the day at the end._  


_And **he** had faced their father when they returned to the hotel to find that their father had beaten them there._  


_John had opened the door just as Dean was inserting the key and Dean had been a fraction too slow to stop John from grabbing them both, dragging them inside, and locking the door behind them._  


_“What the hell were you thinking?” John growled as Dean put his body between their father and Sam._  


_“It was my fault, Dad!” Sammy said, trying to step around Dean. Dean held his arm out, keeping his brother behind him. There was an open bottle of whiskey on the table and a good portion of it was missing._  


_“I just wanted Sam to see the movie, Dad,” Dean said, doing his best to keep his voice even. “He’s been talking about it for weeks.”_  


_“And I told you that we would rent it!” John snarled at him._  


_“It’s not the same!” Dean said, glaring up at his father. “It’s not the same and I just wanted him to have this one thing that he asked for!”_  


_Things got silent and Dean knew right away that he’d said the wrong thing with his father that far into the bottle._  


_The first blow came faster than he would have expected, given how much whiskey was gone, a backhanded slap that had knocked Dean back into Sam._  


_“Leave him alone!” Sammy yelled, trying to push around Dean to get to their father._  


_“Get in the bathroom, Sammy!” Dean panted, his hand on his cheek as he shoved his brother backwards. “Now!” He felt his brother hesitate and managed to give him another push before John struck him again. He heard the sound of his father’s belt being unbuckled and gritted his teeth. He heard the bathroom door close and latch and felt a little bit of the fear leave him._  


_“It was my idea,” he said, trying not to let his voice shake as he looked up at where his father was folding the belt in half. “It was my idea, Dad. It’s not Sammy’s fault. It’s not his fault, dad, it’s not-”_

“Dean?”  


Dean shook himself back to the present, feeling an ache in his jaw that told him how tightly he had been clenching his teeth.  


“Dad was really angry at me for disobeying him,” Dean said as Cas looked up at him with a worried expression, sliding his arm around Dean’s waist. “I got beat pretty bad that night.”  


Cas’ hand tightened on his waist and when he spoke there was thinly veiled rage in his voice. “You did not deserve that,” Cas said gently. “I hope that you know that, Dean. You were doing a kind thing for your brother.”  


“Sammy doesn’t remember,” Dean said quietly. “Dad ended up buying us the VHS of it for Christmas,” he said and knew that he sounded bitter. “When they re-released it in theaters a couple a years ago Sam and I went to see it. He talked about watching it for the first time Christmas Day.” He cleared his throat, alarmed at how tight it had gotten at the onslaught of memories. “I-I don’t want him to remember the nights like that, Cas, but-”  


“But it hurts that he does not,” Cas said.  


“Yeah,” Dean said a little roughly. “Sam brought up watching it the other night.”  


“Perhaps watching it together will help you create good memories of it,” Cas said. “And of course, I will be there with you. If that helps.”  


“It does,” Dean said. “It always does, Cas. I feel safer with you around.”  


Cas blushed and the two of them smiled at each other. Dean felt some of the tension leaving his body as he brushed his lips over the angel’s cheekbone.  


“Ewwww!” said a child’s loud voice.  


It was the little girl with pigtails who had been sniffing Máximo. She grinned at them from around the far side of Máximo’s foot.  


Dean felt his heart jump up into his throat and felt the reflexive panic that made him want to run and find a place to hide.  


“You are as gross as my mom and dad,” the girl said, giving them that look of abject disgust that only children can do. “Why do grown-ups have to be all….blech!”  


Cas gave a good-natured chuckle and Dean forced himself to calm down as Cas replied to the little girl. “You have our apologies…?”  


“Fe,” the girl said, putting her fists on her hips.  


“You have our apologies, Fe,” Cas said, smiling down at her. “We did not mean to interrupt your dinosaur sniffing.”  


“I wanted to know if the bones smelled,” Fe said with a shrug. “Like the deer bones we found in the woods behind our house.”  


“And what are your findings?” Cas asked.  


She shook her head. “Nope! They don’t stink!” She grinned at them. “Did you know that baby sauropods are called ‘sauropodlets?”  


Dean blinked down at her, some of his discomfort fading in the face of her onslaught. “No way,” he said. There was no way. The name was so silly.  


“Yup!” Fe said. “Saur - ooooo - podlets!”  


“All right,” Dean said, relaxing a bit more and grinning down at her. “You’re pretty good there, Professor. But do you know what baby spiders are called?”  


She rolled her eyes. “Spiderlings? Everyone knows that, grandpa!” and then she was off, streaking away towards an attractive looking couple with a baby in tow.  


“She called me ‘grandpa’,” Dean said, looking after her. That was uncalled for. Next to him Cas was laughing quietly and Dean shot him a mock-stern look. “Laugh it up,” he grumbled as they began to walk towards the stairs. “But if I’m ‘grandpa’, what does that make you, old man?”  


“I consider myself rather well-preserved for my age,” Cas teased back. “Would you say that my body has declined overly, Dean?”  


Dean shivered, thinking of how Cas had looked earlier, naked in the early morning light. “You’re perfect,” he said and was gratified to see Cas blush and shoot him the sweetest smile.  


They reached the second floor and approached the great creature’s head, waiting patiently for a group of tourists to take their pictures with it before they got close. “Hello, Máximo,” Cas said fondly. “He was truly an impressive creature,” Cas said. “Do you know that when they would walk, if the ground conditions were right, they would create wells of quicksand that smaller creatures would get trapped and die in?”  


Dean blinked at him. “You’re kidding. Did you used to...you know...watch?”  


Cas chuckled. “I saw that in a documentary,” he admitted. “But yes, sometimes. I was mostly preoccupied with my duties, but on occasion I would journey to Earth and watch for a while.”  


“What was it like?” Dean asked.  


“It was...quieter,” Cas said, taking Dean’s hand. “Much quieter. No radio, no cell phones, no satellites, the very air of earth was more...still. And while dinosaurs certainly had their families and conflicts...it was nothing like what humanity is capable of, for good and ill.” He gave Dean a sidelong glance. “I cannot tell you much more,” he said.  


“Because you were doing other things?”  


Cas shook his head. “We have something of a...gag order.”  


“A gag order?” he said. “From Chuck? And it’s still active?”  


“It was woven into the fabric of my being,” Cas explained. “As much as my Grace is. And I think, having spent time amongst humans, I understand its purpose more now.”  


“I’ll bite,” Dean said skeptically.  


“Humans are wildly inventive,” Cas said as they looked out over the people below. “The things that you have been able to discover about our world, and even others...they are remarkable.” He shrugged. “Why strive for information if it can just be given to you? I can tell you simple things, observations I have made, and things that your scientists have already discovered. But I can’t answer bigger questions.”  


“So if I were to ask you if Sue looked like Rexy in Jurassic Park or had feathers, you wouldn’t be able to tell me,” Dean said.  


“Precisely.”  


“Until paleontologists know for sure.”  


“Yes,” Cas said.  


Dean huffed and Cas let out a quiet laugh and put his arm around Dean’s waist. Dean put his arm around Cas’ shoulders, leaning his head against the angel’s for a moment. Then, he had an idea. 

“Excuse me,” he said to the middle-aged couple who had paused near them to look at the museum map.  


The woman looked up, raising a patrician eyebrow. “Yes?”  


Dean felt the familiar surge of anxiety, but tamped it down. “Would you mind taking me and my...my partner’s picture?” he asked, the words coming out in a rush. “He loves dinosaurs.”  


The look she gave him could have frozen boiling water and Dean felt his heart sink. Shit, shit, shit. His lower back began to sweat, making his shirt stick to his skin and his heart climbed up into his throat.  


“I have no interest in participating in your depravity,” the woman said in an icy voice.  


He felt Cas’ abrupt intake of breath as the angel went to take a step away from him. Gritting his teeth, Dean pulled Cas more firmly against his side. He wished that he had a witty rejoinder, or even just words to defend himself and Cas, but his throat had gone as dry as the Sahara and breakfast was making a spirited attempt to return to the surface. Suddenly being up on the second floor felt like they were on a stage and everyone could see them. He heard the clicking of heels as the woman walked away and then felt Cas let out a little shuddering breath.  


“Well, she was unpleasant,” Cas said and he sounded so sad that Dean had to meet his eyes. They were wide and uncertain. “Dean, I’m sorry that-”  


“Fuck her,” Dean said hoarsely.  


“You said a swear!” it was the little girl from earlier, grinning at them.  


Dean was startled into a laugh and felt some of the tension abate just a bit. “Sorry, kiddo,” he said.  


“I wish I was allowed to swear,” Fe said, pouting. “But Dad doesn’t like it. He says that it’s not ‘creative’.” She made air quotes, a long-suffering expression on her face.  


“And what does your mom say?” Dean asked, allowing himself to relax a little further. No one was looking at them. Well, no one except Fe. The middle aged woman had been, well, a bitch. But she was gone and didn't matter. She couldn't take Cas away from him. Not unless he let her.  


Fe snorted. “Mom’s in the Navy,” she said with a shrug. “She said she’s a sailor, so she might as well swear like one. But I’m not supposed to tell Dad.” She cocked her head at them. “Is he your husband?” she asked Dean, nodding at Cas.  


“No,” Dean said and felt Cas go still next to him. “Not yet, kiddo. I haven’t gotten him a ring yet.”  


Fe shook her head with a child’s all-knowing expression. “You know Beyonce says,” she said sagely.  


Dean chuckled and felt Cas relax against him. “He’s my partner,” he added, putting his arm around Cas’ waist and tugging the angel a little more firmly against himself. “Actually, we were hoping that someone would take a picture of the two of us.” He pulled out his phone. “Think you could manage it?”  


She rolled her eyes and accepted his phone from him, taking a few steps back. “Like it’s hard. Just don’t do any gross grown-up stuff or I’m gonna drop your phone over the railing.”  


“Deal,” Dean said. He felt Cas lean against his shoulder and he smiled, giving himself just a second to rest his head on Cas’ before he turned and smiled for the picture. He saw Fe frown at his phone before grinning and hurrying over.  


“There ya go!” she said.  


“Fe Delores Rodriguez!”  


Fe jumped and looked behind her with a guilty expression. The attractive woman from earlier was hurrying over, an exasperated expression on her face. “What have I told you about wandering off, mija?” the woman asked, shaking her head. She glanced at Dean and Cas. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I hope that she wasn’t bothering you.”  


“Not at all,” Cas said. “Your daughter is very kind, ma’am.”  


“I took their picture!” Fe said.  


The woman raised an eyebrow and Dean hurried to add: “And she taught us what baby sauropods are called,” he said, giving Fe a nod.  


“Sauropodlets,” Cas added. “She’s kind, and informative.”  


The woman smiled, reaching down and taking Fe’s hand. “Well, I’m glad to hear that, at least,” she said. “Still, your father is worried and your brother is getting fussy. We should be getting home.”  


“Okay,” Fe said with a sigh. “It was nice to meetcha,” she said, giving them a little wave before following her mother away, chattering about dinosaurs.  


“Cute kid,” Dean said, watching them start down the stairs. He turned and saw Cas watching him, an unreadable expression on his face. “You ok?” he asked, taking Cas’ hand and beginning to walk towards Sue’s exhibit.  


“Are you?” Cas asked, giving his fingers a squeeze.  


Dean paused before answering, wanting to be honest. “That was...hard,” he admitted after a moment. “Made me want to run and hide. I felt you try to pull away.”  


“I didn’t want to embarrass you,” Cas said softly and Dean paused and pulled him over to a quiet alcove by the stairs.  


“You couldn’t,” he said, reaching up to touch Cas’ cheek. “Not in any way that matters, Cas, do you understand?”  


Cas hesitated, then nodded, leaning into Dean’s touch. “As long as you’re sure,” he said.  


“I am,” Dean said firmly. He could still feel the sweat in his lower back from the panic the woman had inspired, but it didn’t matter. He hadn’t run. He hadn’t given Cas “the old Simon Peter”. He’d held his ground. “Hey, we should look at the picture Fe took for us.” He pulled out his phone and went to the gallery. He blinked. There were like...thirty pictures. “She must have done a burst,” he said, opening the first one. Together they scrolled through and about four pictures in Dean heard Cas let out a little gasp. Fe had gotten a picture of the moment Dean had leaned his head against Cas’. They both had their eyes shut and stupid smiles on their faces and Dean felt an equally dopey smile on his face as he looked over at Cas.  


“I like that one,” Cas said, his heart in his eyes.  


Dean nodded, not trusting himself to speak, and sent it to Cas, along with the one of them with their arms around each other smiling at the camera. “Me too,” he said, after a minute. He leaned over and stole a kiss before putting his phone away. “C’mon,” he said, taking Cas’ hand. “Let’s go see Sue.”  


Cas nodded and together they walked over to Sue’s new exhibit, where Dean once again heard himself whistle. He knew from the museum website that Sue had once been down in the main hall, but he had to admit, seeing her in her new space hit differently than that would have. She commanded the room, and even though she was a skeleton, there was something deeply imposing about her. It felt as though ancient eyes were watching from hollow sockets and when he stood in front of her, he could imagine the reek of her breath and the basso rumble of her breathing.  


“It’s good to see you again, Sue,” Cas said.  


“It’s hard to picture her with feathers,” Dean mused, looking up at her.  


“It is my understanding that scientists have determined that they did not roar,” Cas said.  


“What?” Dean turned and looked at him, then back up at Sue. “You’re telling me that this giant didn’t _roar_?”  


Cas smiled. “I am only repeating what your scientists say,” he said. “They believe they communicated more like elephants or crocodiles, using infrasound.”  


“I don’t know what that is,” Dean admitted, looking back up at Sue.  


“Low frequency sounds,” Cas explained as they began to walk around the skeleton. “Intended to travel a great distance. You would have been able to feel her vocalisations, not just hear them.”  


“Well that’s creepy,” Dean said.  


Cas nodded. As they came around her flank, Cas smiled fondly up at the great beast. “They really were extraordinary creatures,” he said. “And it is right that she has risen to the acclaim that she has. She was a very determined creature who tolerated no foolishness.”  


Dean raised an eyebrow and Cas chuckled.  


“All you need to do is look at the marks on her skull to know that she fought others of her kind more than once,” he said with a shrug.  


“But that’s not how you know,” Dean noted wryly and Cas grinned and shrugged.  


They stayed awhile by Sue, taking in her great size and watching the videos that projected on the tall, narrow screens. When the last of them had finished playing Dean turned and glanced at Cas. 

“So...I know there’s a lot of good stuff here, but there’s something I really want to see...if you’re ready to say goodbye to Sue.”  


“Would it be the lions from that movie?” Cas asked, his expression carefully neutral.  


Dean grinned ruefully and nodded. He’d shown Cas “The Ghost and the Darkness” ages ago during a “Creature Feature” marathon. “Yeah,” he said.  


“Let’s go,” Cas said, smiling up at him. He glanced up at Sue. “Goodbye, Sue,” he said calmly. The two of them left the exhibit and headed downstairs, where they spent awhile walking through the Mammals of Africa exhibit. The Lions of Tsavo were exciting to see, though they looked quite different from the ones in the movie. From there they went to see the museum’s gemstone collection, where Fe’s earlier comment had Dean watching Cas to see if he reacted especially strongly to any of the gems. The angel was infuriatingly neutral about them, commenting instead on the human craftsmanship that had made its mark upon them. Dean sighed inwardly as they left the exhibit and spent a pleasant hour just wandering around hand-in-hand. Then Cas wanted to see the gift shop, so they walked down and spent some time browsing. As Dean watched Cas looking at plushies he suddenly had an idea. He did a quick search on his phone and found himself grinning like an idiot when he found a website that had exactly what he wanted. He bookmarked it and put his phone away before hurrying over to Cas and happily buying both a stuffed Sue and a stuffed Máximo.  


Cas blinked down at his bag as they went to retrieve their coats. “I have never had toys before,” he said, his cheeks coloring. “Thank you, Dean. I should have gotten you something.”  


Dean slung his arm across Cas’ shoulders and kissed his cheek, nodding to the rideshare area in front of the museum. “You can buy me a ride back to the hotel,” he said as the wind whipped up around them. “I don’t think I want to do another walk, not in this wind.”  


Before long they were in a Lyft, with Cas sitting in the middle so that he could snuggle up against Dean. Dean put his arm around his angel, resting his head on top of Cas’ as he and the driver chatted about sports. He tipped the guy well when they arrived at the hotel and walked hand-in-hand with Cas to the elevator. Once they were inside and alone he stepped close to Cas, walking the angel back until his back was pressed against the wall. There he kissed him slowly, tenderly, moaning as one of Cas’ hands instantly went up into his hair and the other splayed across his back. “I hope that you had fun at the museum,” he said against Cas’ lips.  


“I did,” Cas said, breathing a little hard. “It felt nice to just...be out with you.”  


The elevator dinged on their floor and Dean took Cas’ hand and led him back to their room. Inside Cas kissed him hungrily, pushing Dean’s coat from his shoulders and letting it fall down on the floor where Cas had tenderly put the bag containing mini-Máximo and Sue. Dean slid Cas’ coat off as well and pulled his sweater off, followed by the tshirt beneath it. He leaned in and kissed Cas’ collarbone, pulling back as Cas pulled Dean’s long-sleeve t-shirt over his head. He slid his arms around Cas’ waist, pulling him against himself. Cas’ cool skin felt good against him and Dean sighed happily as Cas leaned in and kissed him. Cas’ lips parted in the kiss, his tongue stroking against Dean’s as he pressed his body against him hard. He felt Cas’ hands at his waist and grunted as Cas undid his belt and unfastened his pants. He was quick to return the favor and soon they were stumbling towards the bed naked, still kissing.  


Dean let Cas push him down onto his back, smiling as the angel stretched out on top of him. Cas’ next kiss was a hungry one as he slid both hands up into Dean’s hair. His hips were rocking against Dean’s almost immediately, and Dean moaned as their cocks rubbed together.  


“Cas,” he murmured, sliding his hand down into the small of Cas’ back. “You feel so good.”  


“So do you, Dean,” Cas whispered, his breath hot and wet in Dean’s ear. To his surprise, Cas slid off of him and pulled the blankets up over them both before stretching out on his side looking at Dean. “Dean...I really did enjoy our outing,” he said, resting his hand on Dean’s chest. His fingertips trailed in slow circles and Dean reached up and caressed his cheek. “It meant a lot to be out with you. Even if that woman was unpleasant.” His gorgeous eyes searched Dean’s. “Thank you for not…”  


“Running?” Dean said wryly.  


Cas nodded, then his cheeks colored. “You held my hand the whole time,” he said. “Except when your arm was around me.”  


Dean smiled at him and gave him a little kiss. “That ok?”  


“I loved it,” Cas said, his expression so open and vulnerable that Dean had to kiss him more deeply. “It was perfect. You…” he swallowed. “You called me your partner,” he said.  


“Well, you are,” Dean said, blushing. “Boyfriend felt a little juvenile...unless you like that,” he hurried to add.  


“I like partner,” Cas said. “And you do not have to worry, Dean, I will not leave you if you do not take Beyonce’s advice. I do not need a physical representation of your affection.”  


_Too bad_ , Dean thought. “Don’t you want one?” he said out loud.  


Cas’ cheeks were bright red. “I-I…I was more focused on you saying I was not your husband _yet_.”  


Dean chuckled and pulled him in for a deep kiss, parting his lips and hugging Cas to him tightly. Cas moaned against him, hiking his leg up over Dean’s hip and pressing himself more firmly against him. “Dean,” he moaned as Dean’s hand slid down to cup his ass. Dean squeezed, loving the soft sound of need that it elicited from Cas.  


“I loved being out with you too,” Dean said, kissing the corner of Cas’ lips and leaving his hand resting on Cas’ ass. It really was a very nice ass. _I wonder how he’d sound if I put my mouth there._ He shivered and nuzzled into Cas’ neck, licking and sucking. He wasn’t ready for that, but it was still a good thought. “Cas…?”  


“Dean.”  


“I’m proud to be your partner,” Dean said, tilting Cas’ chin up so that they were looking into each other’s eyes. “You _know_ that, right? I know I’m not perfect and that I’ll have my moments that I fuck it up, but I _am._ ”  


Cas made a happy little sound and kissed him hard, nodding. “I’m proud to be yours, Dean,” he said, and it came out a low, feral growl.  


Dean swallowed hard, grunting as Cas’ teeth closed briefly on his earlobe. “My partner?” he asked, his voice a little hoarse.  


“Yes,” Cas said, rolling back and pulling Dean on top of him. His eyes were wide and mischievous as he looked up at Dean. “But also... _yours._ You did mark me this morning.”  


“Castiel,” Dean growled, rocking his hips so that their cocks rubbed together.  


Cas let out a harsh little cry of need, his nails digging into Dean’s back. “Dean!” His smile was a little wild as he looked up, giving Dean a wide-eyed look. “Something wrong?” he teased.  


“It drives me crazy how much you want that,” Dean admitted. “And that’s not my thing, usually, but that it’s you...I can’t help but want it too.” He reached up and twined his fingers through Cas’ hair, giving it a gentle tug, eliciting a moan from Cas as he tilted his head back, baring his throat.  


Dean was quick to lean in and kiss just below his jaw, flicking his tongue against Cas’ skin.  


“Dean!” Cas gasped. “I need you!”  


Dean rocked harder against him, his lips and teeth alternating on Cas neck as their cocks rubbed together. “I need you too, babe,” he growled, feeling how wet both of them already were. “You make me crazy.”  


Cas moaned, smiling and then gasping as Dean began to work his way down his body. “Dean!”  


Dean flicked his tongue out against Cas’ nipple, then took it in his teeth as he pinched the other one lightly. Cas arched into his touch, whimpering as his perfect lips fell open. Dean kept moving down, kissing and licking until he reached Cas’ belly.  


“Dean -- wait.”  


Dean sat up right away, his stomach dropping. “Cas? You ok?”  


Cas was looking up at him, his pupils blown out. He was breathing hard and for a moment he didn’t respond. Then, he sat up and got on his knees, kissing Dean hard. “I’m fine, Dean,” he growled, easing Dean down onto the bed. His mouth was insistent as it trailed from Dean’s lips down to his neck, over his chest, and belly. He knelt between Dean’s legs, wrapped one of his hands around Dean’s cock and began to stroke.  


“Cas!” Dean’s back arched off of the bed. “You don’t-”  


“I want to thank you for today,” Cas said mildly, cupping Dean’s balls with his other hand as he concentrated his strokes on the top half of Dean’s cock.  


Dean gripped the sheets, pinioned in place as Cas’ hands moved in tandem. He could feel his body growing tense as Cas slowed, gently rubbing the flat of his hand around the head of Dean’s cock, smearing the wetness around with almost painful slowness. “FUCK!” he cried out. “Cas, please!”  


Cas grinned at him and began to stroke again, faster this time, his other hand gently caressing Dean’s balls as the angel’s gorgeous eyes watched him. “Please what, Dean?” Cas breathed.  


Dean growled, his eyes fluttering open. “You know damn well what.”  


To his surprise, he saw the seraph’s chin raise slightly, his expression far more Castiel than Cas. “I do,” Cas said, his hands slowing and making Dean buck against him, aching for friction. “But I want you to say it.”  


Dean felt a little shudder go through him, suddenly feeling a shift in the balance of power between them. Cas wanted to tell him what to do, did he?  


_Fuck_ his cock was so hard.  


He’d always liked it when girls bossed him around in bed.  


Jesus, did he want Cas to boss him around?  


He thought about Cas pulling his hair and baring his throat and while Dean wasn’t sure he was ready to bust out the leather and ball gags, he couldn’t deny how hard Cas’ soft command made him.  


“Dean?” Cas’ eyes were worried when Dean met them again. “I...was that all right? Did I overstep?”  


“You’re perfect,” Dean breathed. “I want you to make me cum, Cas,” he said. “Please?”  


Cas grinned, the hunger returning to his eyes. He began to stroke quickly again, making Dean arch up off the bed and moan. “Cas!”  


“I love seeing you like this, Dean,” Cas said, his voice low. It sent little frissions of pleasure through Dean as Cas continued to stroke him. “You look so...so... _hot_ lying here naked with your cock in my hands.”  


Dean let out a wild laugh, his eyes fluttering open in time to see Cas blush.  


“Did I say it right?” Cas asked. “Or did that sound awkward?”  


“Perfect,” Dean panted, propping himself up on his elbows so that he could watch. “You sounded perfect, Cas-”  


Cas slowed again and Dean’s whole body tensed as he let out a ragged cry.  


“CAS!” He looked up and saw that Cas was watching him with the intensity of a bird of prey, his lips parted as he stared down at Dean. “Cas...please...fuck, I need to touch you, Cas!”  


Cas visibly shivered, but shook his head. “I want to make you cum first, Dean,” he whispered. “Before I do. I want to give that to you after today.” He began to stroke quickly again and Dean’s eyes rolled back in his head as he gave himself over to Cas. Cas didn’t tease him anymore, just drove him relentlessly towards the edge. He could feel his body tensing, the need building in him, and then-  


“I can’t wait to have you finish in my mouth,” Cas said softly and Dean screamed as the orgasm hit him at Cas’ words. He thrashed under Cas’ hands, his fists tight in the sheets as the waves of pleasure crashed over him. He was about to say something when he felt Cas’ fingers begin to stroke his balls again as his other hand wrapped tight around the base of Dean’s cock and stroked slowly.  


“Oh sweet fuck,” Dean groaned. “Castiel!”  


“Should I stop?”  


Dean whimpered, the motions of his hips stuttering. “No!” he groaned. “Fuck, I don’t know, Cas!”  


“Does it feel good?” Cas asked, trailing his thumb over the head of Dean’s cock.  


Dean jerked, crying out and grabbing Cas’ hand. “I can’t!” he panted, shaking his head. “Cas!”  


He felt Cas shifting on the bed and opened his eyes in time to see Cas kneeling between his legs. Cas gave him a radiant smile and then leaned down and licked the cum that had splattered across Dean’s belly. Dean couldn’t do more than whimper and stroke a hand that shook through Cas’ hair. He loved the little smile on Cas face as his tongue flickered out, loved how Cas gripped his hips, loved how Cas licked his lips when he was done and gave Dean a look that was hot and sweet and hungry all at once. Finally Cas stretched out next to him and pulled Dean against him.  


“Was that ok?” Cas asked, stroking his fingers through Dean’s hair.  


Dean turned and kissed Cas hard, catching the brief hint of salt on Cas’ tongue and shivering, knowing that was from him. Cas had just licked his cum off of his belly and watching it had been ridiculously hot and now he was tasting himself and it should have sent him screaming but it wasn’t.  


The word occurred to him again, but he forced away, unwilling to let something so ugly taint the gesture that Cas had just made.  


“It was amazing,” Dean whispered. “You looked so sexy, Cas, you made me feel…” he let out a little laugh, words failing him. “You’re a fucking tease.”  


“Did you like that?” Cas asked. He blushed. “Me...teasing like that?”  


“Nah,” Dean growled, rolling so that he pinned Cas beneath him. “I fucking loved it, Castiel,” he growled, just to feel Cas squirm beneath him. “But you better believe that I’m going to get you back for it.”  


Cas laughed, his eyes wide as they met Dean’s. “Is that a promise?”  


Dean leaned down and gave Cas the longest, slowest, sloppiest kiss that he could manage. “You have. My. Word.” Cas was writhing under him when he stopped speaking and Dean grinned, then, abruptly, rolled off of Cas and scooted up against the headboard. “C’mere,” he said.  


Cas rose and did as he asked, snuggling back against Dean with a happy sigh. Dean kissed along the back of his neck and wrapped his arms around Cas’ waist, spreading one hand wide across Cas’ stomach and sliding the other one down to where Cas’ cock was hard and dripping.  


Cas moaned, his head dropping back against Dean’s shoulder as Dean took him in hand and began to stroke. He was much more purposeful than Cas, at least to start with, intentionally pushing Cas as close to the edge as fast as he could.  


Cas’ hips were rocking, his hands tight on Dean’s thighs as Dean nipped behind his ear. “You drive me crazy,” Dean growled into Cas’ ear. “Do you know that, Cas?”  


Cas whimpered and nodded.  


“No one has ever made me feel the way you do,” Dean continued, slowing his stroking down just to feel Cas shudder and arch against him. “No one has ever made me feel so out of control, or needy.” He bit down on the juncture of Cas’ neck and shoulders and then sucked hard, earning himself a reedy whimper from Cas. “I’ve never wanted another man to suck my cock before,” he said, pitching his voice low so he could hear Cas’ sharp intake of breath. He kissed the mark he’d left softly. “And I’ve never even thought about sucking another man’s cock before you.”  


“Dean!” Cas whimpered, little tremors going through his body.  


Dean closed his hand around the top of Cas’ cock and began to stroke more quickly, sliding his other hand down so that he could cup Cas’ balls. His mouth never stopped moving along the back of Cas’ neck and shoulders, nipping and licking as he stroked. He paused, rubbing his thumb over the tip of Cas’ cock just to listen to him whimper as Dean stroked over where it met the shaft. “What do you want, babe?” he whispered, nipping Cas’ ear. “Tell me what you want.”  


“Talk some more,” Cas said, surprising him. “Please? I love listening to you talk while you touch me.”  


Dean let out a surprised chuff of laughter. “You’re so damn adorable,” he grumbled, kissing Cas on the cheek. “I love you.”  


“I love you too,” Cas said, turning and catching Dean’s lips. They shared a long, languid kiss before Dean slowed his hand almost to a stop.  


“I want to give myself to you,” Dean said, the words suddenly spurting up from somewhere inside of him and making him blush because Jesus fuck he sounded like Bella Swan or some shit. He took a deep breath, stroking Cas faster to distract from his embarrassment.  


“Dean!”  


“I’ve never slept with a man,” Dean continued and he was being way more sincere than sexy but now that the words were coming, he wasn’t sure that he could stop. “But Cas, even though it scares me, I want to have that with you.”  


And there it was.  


There it fucking was.  


Dean felt a shudder go through him as his brain struggled to take this sweet thing he was admitting and twist it into proof of what a perverse, disgusting creature he was.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered and his lips were on Dean’s and then Dean was out of his head because Cas was kissing him, his fingers stroking though Dean’s hair as he murmured quiet endearments that Dean knew were meant to bring him back from the precipice of fear that he’d suddenly found himself upon. “We never have to do that,” Cas whispered, somehow turning in Dean’s arms so that he could rest his forehead against Dean’s. “We never do, Dean. This is enough, you are enough.”  


“Thank you, baby,” Dean whispered, kissing him deeply. “You are for me, I swear that you are.”  


“I love you,” Cas whispered.  


“I love you too,” Dean said. “I swear, Cas, you’ll have that one day. You’ll have me. All of me.”  


Cas shuddered, his tongue easing into Dean’s mouth and the kiss they shared was long and desperate and sloppy and then Dean felt Cas’ hand on his cock and he all he could do was moan as Cas began to stroke. “I want you to have me, Cas,” he continued and heard Cas moan raggedly as he stroked his own hand up and down Cas’ cock. “I want to have everything that you’ve ever wanted or thought about I just want you to take what you need from me because I love you I love you so fucking much and-”  


Cas jerked hard against him, crying out his name and then they were kissing and both stroking hard and fast and words didn’t matter anymore or have any place anymore and Cas’ lips were insistent and open and his tongue was so soft and good and then he was jerking in Dean’s arms, his body going rigid and abruptly snapping over and over as he moaned into Dean’s mouth and Dean felt Cas’ cum hot and wet on his hand as his angel came against him. Dean followed him over the edge almost immediately after and they lay together, sweaty and wet and breathing hard and then Dean heard a sob and realized to his horror that it had come from him. Cas kissed his lips softly. “It’s ok,” Cas said, snuggling under his chin as his body trembled with aftershocks. “I’ve got you, Dean.”  


“You too,” Dean somehow managed to say, pressing his lips to where the sweat was beading at Cas’ temples.  


They stayed that way for quite some time before Cas shifted, pulling back to look at Dean shyly under his eyelashes.  


Dean smiled at him and held up his own hand, seeing where it was streaked with Cas’ cum. Before he could second-guess himself he brought it to his lips and licked one of the more broader streaks. It was salty and a little musky, but it wasn’t awful, and it was worth it to see Cas’ eyes get suddenly huge.  


“Dean-” Cas rasped. “You don’t have to.”  


“I want to,” Dean said, doing it again. _You fucking_ \- No. This was _his_. This was good and special and loving and right and he was _not_ going to let that word taint it. “I meant it when I said I needed time. I do. But I-I’m _trying_ , Cas, I swear that I am-” An awful thought occurred to him and he clutched at Cas. “Please don’t give up on me,” he whispered.  


“Never,” Cas said and his voice was unbelievably tender. He kissed Dean’s lips and Dean moaned into it, wrapping his arms around his angel. “Now come on,” Cas said wryly. “We really need to shower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we had some darker moments in this one, but I hope that it all rang true. John Winchester is a tough figure and one of the few characters from this show that I actually dislike. I tried not to have anything in here that hadn't been at least alluded to on the show.
> 
> Beyond the darkness, I hope that this chapter was a fun one to read. Apparently even in my fluffy chapters I can't help but have dark stuff.


	7. Stones Crack in the Frosty Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas enjoy their final night in Chicago. After a dinner date they find themselves exploring a little bit of kink, much to both of their surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Reference to a homophobic slur**
> 
> Song is from the "Warning of Winter" from Fellowship of the Ring

Once they were cleaned up Dean glanced at his watch and realized, to his shock, that it was almost six PM. “It’s our last night before we have to check out,” he said, tugging Cas against him and enjoying the feeling of his skin, still warm from the shower. “What do you want to do? We can go out and get some dinner, we could order room service and watch a movie...whatever you want.”  


“I would not mind going out,” Cas said a little shyly, his fingertips stroking over Dean’s shoulders. “I like going out with you and after tonight there will be fewer...opportunities.”  


Dean flinched inwardly, knowing that Cas wasn’t just talking about the limited dining options near the Bunker. “I’m still gonna take you out once we’re home,” he promised, kissing Cas on the cheek.  


Cas smiled at him and kissed him back before turning to get dressed. Dean crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, watching unabashedly. He loved the way his angel’s body moved, the way the light hit his skin, all of it. _I am so smitten,_ he thought, smiling at himself. Cas caught him looking and smiled back, a blush coloring his cheeks. “Aren’t you going to get ready?” Cas teased, fastening his belt.  


“I don’t know,” Dean replied, crossing to him and giving him a gentle push against the wall. “The thought of just staying here and having you sounds pretty damn good.”  


Cas gasped, arching his back and Dean stole a passionate kiss, loving how Cas moaned into his mouth.  


Then his stomach had to ruin it by growling.  


They both laughed and Dean let Cas go, heading over to get dressed himself. When they were both ready they headed out into the chilly evening air. They opted to walk again and Dean was all too happy to take Cas’ hand and let the angel lead the way to the italian restaurant that he had picked out. It was crowded enough that they had to wait for a table, so they took themselves off to the restaurant bar while they waited for the hostess to come and get them. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out with a frown. A voicemail from Garth. “Hey, I’m going to step outside for a second,” he said to Cas, showing him the missed call. “I just want to make sure this is nothing important.”  


Cas nodded and Dean left his coat hung over the chair, hurrying outside where the building at least offered a little shelter from the wind.  


“Hey Dean, it’s Garth. Just wanted to let you know that I was talking to some of the other hunters and we thought it might be fun to do a reunion. Let me know what you think. Bess and the kids say hi.”  


Dean shook his head, feeling the knot of tension he hadn’t realized was there unwind just a little. Calls from other hunters were often bad news, so it was nice to have it be something innocuous for once. He went back inside and paused as he turned the corner into the bar. An attractive man was standing next to Cas, obviously chatting him up. The other guy was wearing a perfectly tailored suit, his hair was perfectly coiffed, and his shoes shone dully in the pleasant restaurant lighting. Dean watched as Cas laughed at something the other man said and he felt a powerful surge of jealousy. The guy clearly had money and confidence to spare.  


_Bet he could give Cas more than I ever could_ was the first treacherous thought that popped into his head when he caught sight of the Pride pin on the man’s lapel. The dude was obviously successful and looked to be Out in a way that Dean knew that he wasn’t yet. Cas would never have to worry about if that guy was going to bolt. He could probably give Cas the physical intimacy that Dean was still struggling to allow himself.  


Dean shook himself out of his maudlin thoughts, gritting his teeth. He didn’t know anything about the dude and already he was writing Cas’ whole future with him. He forced himself to walk over, trying not to notice the scuffs in his own shoes as the other man’s gaze flickered in his direction.  


Cas turned and Dean relaxed as the angel gave him a radiant smile. “Dean,” he said, reaching out and taking Dean’s hand. “This is Avery. He works in the governor’s office.”  


“Avery,” Dean said, doing his best to keep his tone neutral.  


Avery inclined his head and gave Dean a warm smile, holding out his hand. “And you are?”  


“His boyfriend,” Dean said and then felt like an utter and complete tool. He cleared his throat. “Dean,” he amended, shaking Avery’s hand. “Do you two know each other?”  


“I asked him to recommend a beer,” Avery said. “My date is into the whole microbrew scene and I am...not so much. I’m more of a wine guy.”  


_Sweet Jesus, I’m an ass,_ Dean thought, only just now noticing that on the bar in front of Avery were two of the same beers that Cas had obviously ordered for them. Avery picked them up, grinning at Cas.  


“Thanks for the help, Jimmy,” he said. “I should get back to my date before he starts to worry that I’ve bailed on him. Dean.” He swept off towards the corner of the bar where a handsome black man was sitting at a table, watching him with a smile.  


Dean plopped down next to Cas and accepted his beer wordlessly, struggling to work through what had just happened. He was not that guy. He wasn’t the jealous type. He wasn’t the sort to puff out his chest at the first person to look sideways at whoever he was with.  


_What’s the matter with me?_  


“Are you all right?” Cas asked, resting his hand on Dean’s thigh and giving it a little squeeze.  


Dean swallowed and took a sip of beer to buy himself some time. “Sorry about that,” he said after a moment.  


Cas frowned, cocking his head. “For calling me your boyfriend?” he asked. “It did not sound as juvenile as you were worried it would, but-”  


“Cas,” Dean put his hand over Cas. “Do you know why I said that?”  


“Because I am?” Cas said, frowning.  


He really was adorable.  


Dean did his best to smile, but it felt like more of a grimace. “I may as well have peed on your leg,” he said bluntly.  


Cas’ brow furrowed for a moment before his eyes widened. “You were marking your territory, you mean,” he said, his cheeks coloring.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, looking down at where his hand rested on Cas’. “I saw him talking to you and I just...had a moment, Cas.”  


“But why?” Cas asked, clearly confused.  


Dean sighed, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “I’m trying to sort that out myself,” he admitted. “I just...he’s a real good looking guy.” _So it's not just Cas you notice,_ the treacherous voice in him said snidely. _You really are a fucking-_ “He’s clearly successful,” Dean added quickly, just to drown out the voice. “He...he’s Out. He could probably give you more than I can...than I ever could.” He shrugged a shoulder, unable to meet Cas’ eyes. “I just...it hit me that he’s probably more of what you deserve.”  


“Dean,” Cas said in a low voice. “Please look at me.”  


Dean did, because he couldn’t help but give Cas what he asked for, and felt his stomach do a little somersault at how Cas was looking at him.  


“Dean,” Cas said, taking his hand. “Not everyone thinks as little of you as you do.”  


The words hit him like a blow and he found himself staring stupidly at his angel.  


“You keep talking about what I deserve,” Cas said. “But not what I _want_ , or need.” He shook his head. “And you keep making the erroneous assumption that those things are different. I want _you_ , Dean. I need _you_. As far as I am concerned, your love is more than I could ever ‘deserve’.”  


“Cas-”  


“And even if Avery _had_ been flirting,” Cas said calmly. “It wouldn’t have mattered to me, because I love _you_. I am with _you_ , Dean Winchester.” His lips curled into a sassy little smile. “I’m afraid that you are stuck with this angel on your shoulder.”  


“Castiel,” Dean whispered, bringing the angel’s hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.  


“You don’t need to say anything,” Cas said. “All I ask is that you keep the promise that you made to me in the bunker and not choose for me what I deserve.” His expression turned mischievous. “Unless we are in bed...then I accept you occasionally deciding what I...deserve.”  


Dean felt a shudder rip through his body and straight to his cock as he met Cas’ hungry look. “That so?” he asked softly, putting his hand on Cas’ thigh and giving it a squeeze.  


“Mmmhm,” Cas replied, putting his hand over Dean’s. “As long as you’ll allow me the same liberties.”  


“Take all the liberties you want,” Dean replied, grinning. He was about to say something else when he heard the hostess call their names. They rose and Dean found his gaze drawn once more to where Avery and his date sat chatting. “Right behind you,” he said to Cas. He turned to the bartender and handed him a couple of bills. “That table in the corner?” he said. “Their next drink’s on me. The rest is yours.”  


The bartender nodded and smiled at him. “Thank you, sir,” he said, laying the money aside on the counter.  


Dean returned the smile and turned to follow Cas, raising his beer to Avery as he walked by. The other man returned the gesture and turned back to his date, who gave him a quizzical look.

He saw the hostess seat Cas by a window where he appeared to be happily people watching.  


“Sorry about that,” Dean said, sliding into the seat across from him.  


“Perhaps I should be the jealous one,” Cas teased gently.  


Dean snorted. “Felt like the right thing to do.” He reached across and took Cas’ hand. “And you have nothing to worry about,” he said sincerely. “You’re the only one for me, Cas.”  


Cas squeezed his fingers and soon their waitress arrived. Dinner was pleasant and Dean was careful not to make quite so much of a glutton out of himself, though he couldn't turn down the homemade tiramisu. It was his last night with Cas outside of the bunker for awhile and he wanted to make sure that he was able to show his angel a good time. Cas appeared to be thinking along the same lines, because when they stepped out of the restaurant he slid his arm around Dean’s waist and tucked his fingers into Dean’s waistband. Dean glanced down to find Cas watching him. “All yours, Dean,” Cas said in a low voice that went straight to Dean’s cock. “However you want me.”  


The walk back to the hotel was simultaneously quick and took forever, and by the time they had closed the room door behind themselves, Dean was hard as a rock. He let out a breathless laugh as Cas pushed him against the door, the angel’s hands moving quickly to untuck his shirt and unfasten his belt. Dean yelped as Cas’ hands, already naturally cool and now cooled by the chilly evening brushed his stomach. This appeared to amuse his angel, who kept trying to touch Dean’s belly until Dean caught hold of his wrists.  


“Yes,” Cas whispered and Dean felt his eyes widen at the realization that Cas had been provoking Dean into restraining him. He could feel his cock dripping at the thought as he turned them slowly, his eyes not leaving Cas’ as he pinned the angel against the door. Cas’ breathing was quick and ragged as he looked up at Dean, his full lips parted. “You caught me,” Cas whispered.  


Dean grinned at him and kissed him hard, pressing Cas’ lips open with his tongue as he held him in place. Cas’ hips were moving against him and Dean slowly brought Cas’ wrists over his head so that he could hold them both in one hand as he unfastened Cas’ belt and pants. He could feel the dampness on the front of Cas’ boxers as he ran his hand over Cas’ cock and he loved the way Cas’ eyes rolled back in his head as he moaned Dean’s name.  


“What is it, baby?” Dean said, reaching up to unbutton Cas’ shirt. He leaned in and nipped at Cas’ collarbone before pressing a wet kiss to it.  


“I need you,” Cas breathed. “Please touch me, Dean.”  


“Aren’t I?” Dean teased and felt a little thrill run down his spine at Cas’ soft growl of frustration.  


“That’s not what I mean, and you know it,” Cas said, jerking against Dean as Dean stroked his free hand up and down Cas’ chest. “Dean!”  


“I thought you said you were open to me deciding what you deserve,” Dean said mildly, leaning in to kiss Cas on the neck.  


Cas moaned, arching his back and tilting his head to give Dean more access. “We-we are not in bed,” he panted. “I don’t think it counts.”  


Dean laughed quietly and released Cas’ wrists, pulling him in for a deep kiss. “We can fix that,” he said against Cas’ lips. He felt Cas nod and the two of them began to shuffle over to the bed, stripping away the rest of their clothes as they continued to kiss.  


When they arrived at the bed Cas allowed Dean to playfully knock him backwards, and Dean paused for a moment to take in the sight of Cas lying sprawled out naked in front of him.  


“You’re gorgeous,” he said as he joined Cas on the bed, stretching out next to him and stroking his fingers up and down Cas’ side.  


“I think that you are exaggerating,” Cas said, his cheeks pink. “So,” he added, bringing his hand up to stroke his fingers through Dean’s hair. “About you deciding what I deserve…”  


Dean smiled and rolled on top of Cas, cupping his cheeks with both hands. He looked down into Cas’s gorgeous eyes, which were wide and intent. “Everything,” he said softly, brushing his thumb over Cas’ lips and following it with his. “You deserve everything, Cas.”  


He saw Cas’ Adam's apple bob as the angel's eyes grew shiny. “Dean,” he whispered, hugging Dean to him tightly. “All I want is you,” Cas said, nuzzling into Dean’s neck. “That is all I have ever wanted.”  


Dean’s throat tightened and he kissed Cas deeply. “We gotta work on your imagination,” he said roughly and Cas laughed. Dean grinned down at him. “Speaking of,” he said, rolling slightly to the side so that he could run his hand over Cas’ body more easily. He left his leg across Cas’, enjoying the closeness and the way Cas trailed his fingers over his thigh. “Do you have any fantasies that I should know about?”  


Cas blushed and looked away.  


Dean raised an eyebrow and caught Cas’ chin with his fingers. “The liking being restrained thing is out of the bag,” he teased gently. “No need to be shy about it.”  


“That isn’t what I was thinking,” Cas said with a little smile.  


Dean felt butterflies in his stomach, suddenly worried that he’d wandered out into waters that were too deep for him. What if Cas said something that he knew that he could never do? He was coming around to the idea of blowjobs and sex, but what if Cas wanted something really out there? “Oh yeah?” he asked, his voice a little rough. “What were you thinking?”  


“I have had one for years,” Cas said quietly, one of his hands stroking up and down Dean’s back. “But I always thought that it was completely outlandish. Impossible.”  


Dean’s eyes were wide as he looked down at his angel. “You can tell me anything, Cas,” he said, cupping Cas’ cheek.  


Cas swallowed hard and put his hand over Dean’s. “The only fantasy that I have had for more than a decade is you reciprocating my feelings,” he said in such a sweet, soft voice that Dean felt his eyes begin to burn.  


“Castiel,” he whispered against the angel’s lips before pulling him into a tight embrace. “You are so,” he kissed Cas lips hard. “Sweet,” he breathed against them. “Loving,” he added, kissing along Cas’ jaw. “Good to me,” he whispered against Cas’ neck. “No one has ever loved me like you do.”  


Cas’ expression was adorably shy when Dean looked back up into his eyes. “I know that is not the kind of fantasy you meant,” he said, stroking his fingertips through Dean’s hair. “But I...I tried to avoid the other kind.”  


Dean blushed, leaning into Cas’ touch. “Did you?” he asked.  


Cas gave an awkward little shrug that was kind of adorable. “Dean...for the vast majority of the time I have known you, you did not feel about me as I did about you. There were times where I would be...tempted thinking of you, but it never felt right to act upon it. It felt like a violation of the trust that we shared for me to think of you to bring myself to pleasure.” His cheeks were bright red and Dean took pity on him, kissing him tenderly. 

“You’re a good man, Cas,” he said gently. “For what it’s worth...I’m not sure that what you’re saying is entirely true.”  


Cas cocked his head. “What do you mean?”  


Dean let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I think I’ve been falling for you for a long time,” he admitted. “Even if my cock didn’t quite catch up until recently...you’ve taken up a lot of space in my heart for a very long time.”  


“Dean,” Cas breathed, pulling him in for a kiss that started sweet but quickly turned wet and sloppy. They pressed their bodies together as the kiss deepened, moaning as their cocks, both hard and wet, rubbed together.  


“Fuck you make me crazy,” Dean moaned, reaching down to grab Cas’ ass and pull him a little more firmly against himself. “The things you make me want…”  


“Like what?” Cas asked in a breathy, innocent voice that Dean knew was utter bullshit.  


He grinned at the angel, shaking his head. “I did the dirty talking earlier,” he teased. “It’s your turn.”  


Cas’ eyes narrowed fractionally, taking on a rather...calculating look. “All right, Dean,” he said, his voice dropping to a low rumble that gave Dean goosebumps. “Now that I know that my feelings are reciprocated...I will have no trouble indulging in a little fantasizing.” He leaned in and dragged his tongue along Dean’s jaw as he slowly pushed Dean onto his back.  


“Oh yeah?” Dean somehow managed to say, despite how his heart rate was picking up. “About what?”  


“I was surprised by how much I enjoyed you restraining my wrists,” Cas said, straddling Dean and stroking his fingertips over Dean’s shoulders and down his arms. “I find myself wondering if you might enjoy the same thing.” Dean shuddered, feeling his cock jerk. He suspected that he would. Cas held his eyes as he slid his hands down, pushing Dean’s arms down onto the bed. He closed his hands around Dean’s wrists and then froze. “How does this feel?” he asked, a note of concern in his voice.  


Dean glanced down at where his cock was dripping onto his belly and gave Cas a wry smile. “I feel like the answer is pretty clear,” he teased.  


Cas smiled back and slowly rocked forward, pushing Dean’s arms above his head. Dean’s breath was coming in quick little pants as Cas pinned his arms over his head and took both of his wrists in one hand. “What about now?” Cas asked.  


Dean looked up into the intense eyes of the seraph and felt himself shiver. “I feel like you’re about to do something unholy to me,” he somehow managed to rasp.  


Cas let out a low laugh and leaned down flicking his tongue against Dean’s ear. “It’s a pity that we do not have any handcuffs,” he mused, causing Dean to arch up off the bed with a soft cry of need.  


Fuck, who was he that he was so easily driven to the edge like this?  


“I do have my tie,” Cas added. “I suppose that could work just as well.”  


Cas’ blue tie around his wrists, binding them, sweet merciful fuck.  


Dean’s whole body shuddered and he heard Cas laugh quietly. His eyes snapped open to catch the triumphant look that crossed Cas’ face for just an instant before his worried angel was back. “Still ok?” Cas asked, caressing Dean’s cheek with his free hand.  


“Not even a little,” Dean said, grinning. “But in the best possible way, Cas. I’m good.” He turned his head, kissing Cas’ palm. “Are you all right?” he asked. “Is this...working for you?”  


“Dean,” Cas said, sitting up a bit and glancing down. “I am finding myself extremely aroused at the prospect of having you tied up and at my mercy.” He gave a little laugh, shaking his head, and there was an adorable blush on his cheeks. “Much to my surprise.”  


“What’s stopping you?” Dean challenged and saw the answering flare of pure heat in Cas’ eyes.  


There was a beat of silence and then Cas was moving fast enough that Dean couldn’t help but wonder if there was something unearthly about it. In an instant he was back, crawling on top of Dean with his tie in his hand. There was something alien and predatory in how he was moving, the pure purposefulness of it, and Dean felt pinned in place like an animal that has just spotted the predator stalking it.  


His chest rose and fell rapidly as he looked up at Cas.  


“Give me your wrists,” Cas ordered.  


And it was absolutely an order.  


But he was Dean Winchester.  


Giving Cas his best shit-eating grin, Dean shook his head.  


Cas smiled, but the expression didn’t make it all the way to his eyes, which were calculating. He narrowed his eyes. “I need to know, Dean, if you genuinely don’t want to or if this is part of the...game.”  


How was he so cute? It should be illegal to be so cute.  


“I’m playing, Cas,” he promised. “Maybe we need a safe word.”  


Cas frowned and Dean took his hand. “A way to tap out if we need to. No questions asked. Has to be a word you wouldn’t say during sex.”  


Cas nodded slowly, clearly thinking. “So...something like ‘wildebeast’.”  


Dean couldn’t help it, he snorted. “Wildebeast?”  


Cas shrugged, looking self-conscious. “Do you have something better?” he asked.  


Dean shook his head, motioning for Cas to lean down and kiss him. He was still smiling into the kiss and he felt Cas relax against him. “Wildebeast works,” he said against Cas’ lips and felt him smile. “Unless I say ‘wildebeast’ you know that you’re good to keep doing what you’re doing. Same goes for me.”  


“I understand,” Cas said, kissing Dean’s lips and then his cheek. “It seems wise. Now...are you going to give me your wrists, or not?”  


_I just agreed on a safe word with my partner the angel._  


_I just agreed on a safe word with my **boyfriend** the angel._  


_The angel who is definitely about to tie me up._  


_Sweet merciful fuck, how is my cock so hard right now?_  


Dean swallowed hard and thought about it. Part of him wanted to continue to push Cas, to challenge him and see what the angel would do. Part of him was nervous about what new things he would learn about himself pursuing that particular course of action. In a fair fight he and Cas were evenly matched enough, but Cas was a seraph, and there was something wild in the way he was looking down at Dean.  


Cas, attentive as always, appeared to soften somewhat and leaned down, flicking his tongue into Dean’s ear. “Dean,” he said in a low voice that robbed Dean of his breath. “If you give me your wrists, I promise that I will make it very worth your while. You can trust me to take such. Good. Care of you.”  


“Cas!” Dean moaned, his resolve abruptly crumbling. There would be time for him to push Cas another night. But after an evening of heightened emotions, followed by teasing, he couldn’t resist any longer. He brought his wrists forward, his eyes not leaving Cas’.  


Cas kissed the inside of each of his wrists before binding them with a soldier’s practiced efficiency. He didn’t do it too tight, in fact, Dean knew that he could get out if he wanted to. But he suspected that Cas had done that on purpose. He was too skilled to make such an oversight. Slowly Cas eased Dean’s arms back over his head and Dean looked up to see the tie that had come to just scream _Castiel_ wrapped around his wrists. It was a double gut punch of need that made his cock twitch and an intense surge of emotions that after all these years, they were sharing something like this.  


“Are you all right?” Cas asked, frowning. “You look...something.”  


Dean nodded, feeling that his answering smile was shaking a little. “Yeah,” he said. “Just...blows my mind a little that we’re here and it feels so...normal? Right? I don’t know.”  


Cas’ answering smile was tender. “I share your bemusement,” he admitted. “But I am grateful for your trust, Dean.”  


“Likewise,” Dean replied. “There’s no one I trust more.”  


Cas leaned down and kissed him, then sat up and began to run his hands over Dean’s chest. “Being bound by a seraph feels normal?” he teased, as he straddled Dean’s hips. “You have a very strange normal, Dean Winchester.”  


Dean laughed and rocked up against Cas, enjoying the way his eyes fluttered shut for a moment before snapping back open. “‘Bound by a Seraph’ sounds like a dirty book,” he said and Cas grinned and nodded. He was about to say something else when Cas’ fingertips ghosted over his nipples, circling them as Cas watched him.  


Dean’s breath caught, coming out in a quiet groan as Cas gave them a gentle pinch before leaning down and sucking them hard. His tongue was insistent as he switched back and forth between them, his fingers toying with whichever one was not in his mouth. Before long Dean was bucking beneath him, his mouth open as little sounds of need constantly escaped.  


Then abruptly the glorious torture stopped and Dean moaned as Cas’ lips began to move down his body. The angel was infuriatingly patient, moving inexorably downward at pace that seemed designed to drive Dean out of his mind with need. Dean didn’t think that Cas missed a single centimeter of his skin, and by the time Cas scooted between Dean’s legs Dean’s cock had left a puddle of wetness on his belly. Cas held his eyes as he leaned in and licked the wet spot away, and Dean’s cock twitched at the warmth of Cas’ breath.  


“Please!” Dean panted. “Fuck, Cas! Fuck this isn’t fair.”  


“I never promised to be fair,” Cas noted wryly. “Only that I would make it worth your while.”  


He leaned in and kissed along Dean’s hips from one side to the other, and Dean whimpered as his cock brushed against the stubble of Cas’ chin. Cas moved lower still and just before Dean was about to safe word out because no matter how hard he was he knew that he wasn’t ready to have Cas suck him, not when he was certain he wouldn’t be able to return the favor, Cas pulled back and sat cross-legged between his legs. He rested his hands flat on either side of Dean’s cock and smiled down at him. “Should I keep going?” he asked mildly.  


“If you don’t, I may die,” Dean somehow managed to grit out. “You’re driving me crazy, Cas.”  


“I have to admit,” Cas said, brushing his palm over Dean’s cock and making him arch up off the bed so hard it was almost painful. “I was not expecting to enjoy this quite as much as I am.”  


“Yeah?” Dean panted, his eyes rolling back in his head as Cas’ hand closed around his cock and began to stroke. “Fuck, oh fuck! Cas!”  


“It’s much easier to concentrate on giving you pleasure when you can’t touch me,” Cas said and Dean could hear the self-deprecating smile on the angel’s face. “You are very distracting.” His voice grew rougher. “I think I would enjoy taking you in my mouth this way, when you’re ready.”  


Dean cried out as a wave of pleasure rolled through him, making his body go rigid as Cas continued to stroke him slowly. “Cas please!”  


“No,” Cas said in a soft, sharp, authoritative voice.  


Dean was pretty sure he was going to die. It shouldn’t shock him. He knew that Cas had been a warrior, a general, even. He was someone who knew how to give orders. But things had only very rarely been that way between them. Cas generally let Dean believe himself to be in charge. And Cas was just so...cute with him. So soft and gentle and steadfast and who was this gorgeous creature that was touching him and turning him into a needy mess that was dangerously close to throwing the remaining scraps of his pride out the window and begging for a release?  


But he knew that these were all pieces of Cas. The softness, the strength, the heat, they all burned within his angel.  


He opened his eyes and found Cas watching him, the motion of his hand still infuriatingly steady. Then, Cas smiled, the dangerous, feral smile that Dean saw sometimes in battle before Cas’ palm was grinding gently into the head of Dean’s cock.  


Dean cried out with pleasure and then almost immediately frustrated loss as Cas released him. “You are going to frighten our neighbors,” Cas teased.  


Dean’s whole body was trembling as Cas took him in hand again. This time when Cas flattened his palm against Dean’s head he pursed his lips together as hard as he could, hearing how desperate the sounds that escaped were.  


“Dean,” Cas breathed and Dean’s eyes fluttered open to see the vulnerable, loving look on Cas’ face. “You sound incredible. You look incredible.” He shook his head, looking almost bewildered. “I almost can’t fathom how much I want you, seeing you like this.”  


“I’m yours,” Dean managed to whisper, even though Cas had begun to stroke him faster. “I’m yours, Cas, for whatever you want please-oh fuck-PLEASE!” He swallowed, his hands clenching into fists as Cas pushed him closer. “I want you, Cas, more than I’ve ever wanted anyone please, please just-”  


“Just what?” Cas asked and that authoritative note was back and it was like someone had dug into Dean’s deepest needs and fantasies because his body was responding like it never had to even the wildest sexual experiences he’d had before. Cas hands were working together now, one slowly stroking around the base of Dean’s cock while the other stroked the top half and now Dean was sure that Cas had been watching porn while he slept because where else would he have learned to do this.  


“Fuck, oh fuck I’m so close, Cas!” Dean whimpered and it really was a whimper, a primal, wild, needy sound that spoke to how far gone he really was.  


“I could prolong it, if you prefer,” Cas said as casually as you might say you were ordering pizza and then his hands slowed down and Dean thrashed, shaking his head back and forth as his hips thrust wildly, aching for the friction.  


“NO!” Dean whimpered. “No, Cas please, please I can’t-”  


The angel’s hands slowed further and when Dean forced an eye open he almost came right then and there at how Cas was looking at him. Cas’ eyes were blazing with need and the smile that curled his full lips was a feral, hungry one.  


_Fuck, I have no chance._  


Dean forced his other eye open and met Cas’ intense gaze. “Please,” he panted. “Cas...Cas if you keep this up, I’m going to lose it. Please-”  


“What if I want you to lose it?” Cas asked and something in Dean snapped. He lurched upright, groping for Cas and he heard the angel’s surprised laugh as they came together. There was a flurry of awkward adjustments and then Dean found himself in Cas’ lap with his legs around the angel’s waist and his arms (still bound) around the angel’s neck. He kissed Cas hard and it was sloppy and needy and he could hear the ridiculous sounds he was making as their cocks rubbed together. Then one of Cas’ hands were on Dean’s ass, pulling him closer, and the other was back on Dean’s cock stroking hard and fast.  


“Untie me,” Dean growled into Cas’ ear, giving it a nip. “So I can make you cum, Cas. Fucking untie me.”  


Cas moaned, shaking his head and turning to catch Dean’s lips with his own. “No,” he growled, stroking his thumb over the head of Dean’s cock. Cas’ hips were moving against him in a shockingly regular pace and it was driving Dean out of his head how the angel was maintaining so much of his composure when Dean felt like he was about to fly apart into a million pieces.  


“Castiel I swear to fucking God untie me-”  


“I said ‘no’,” Cas growled and then his hand had released Dean’s ass and was in his hair, pulling on it hard enough to make Dean’s eyes water as Cas jerked his head back, baring his throat. His lips were insistent as he kissed and licked and then bit down hard on where Dean’s neck and shoulders met.  


Dean didn’t remember wriggling out of Cas’ tie, all he knew was that one second he was bound and losing his mind and the next one of his hands was clinging to Cas’ shoulder while the other darted between their bodies to take hold of Cas’ cock.  


The angel cried out, his hand tightening in Dean’s hair as he redoubled his pace, stroking Dean hard and fast as Dean struggled to catch up.  


But it was no use, Cas had gotten him so close and the feeling of Cas’ hand tugging on his hair was the nail in the coffin. Dean was able to get a few strokes in before Cas was dragging him over the edge. He screamed so hard that his throat burned, but Cas’s lips were there, open and inviting as his tongue found Dean’s and teased it. Cas continued to stroke him as he came, until his body was jerking and spasming in Cas’ lap and he was begging Cas to stop.  


But he didn’t say the word.  


So Cas slowed down bit by bit, but never actually stopped, but eventually Dean had returned to himself enough to start stroking Cas.  


Cas moaned and leaned against Dean’s chest, peppering it with sloppy, open-mouthed kisses as Dean drove him relentlessly towards his own pleasure.  


“Dean!” Cas growled, biting down on Dean’s neck, startling a moan out of him.  


“Cum for me, Cas” Dean panted, his free hand around the back of Cas’ head, pulling him against himself. He tilted his face down and the two of them kissed, both moaning into it as they continued to push each other. Cas’ hips were rocking beneath him and Dean couldn’t help but wonder what it would feel like if Cas chose that moment to take him...all of him.  


He knew that Cas never would, but the thought hit him with surprising pleasure. “You’re so good,” Dean heard himself whisper as he increased his pace. “You feel so fucking good, Cas!”  


“Dean!”  


“Cum for me, baby,” Dean said, feeling Cas’ body tensing. “Let it go, Cas, let it go, I’ve got you, I want you to feel so fucking good Cas-”  
Cas’ hand left Dean’s cock and grabbed at his shoulder as the hand in Dean’s hair slid down behind his back. “Dean!” Cas moaned and it was raw and plaintive and sweet. “Dean, I-I-” and then Cas let out a ragged wail that Dean should probably have caught in a kiss, but he couldn’t rip his eyes away as he clung to Cas’ shoulder and watched as his pleasure overwhelmed him. Cas’ eyes were clenched tightly shut and his nails dug into Dean’s skin as his hips jerked and spasmed and Dean watched, transfixed, as Cas’ cum shot out onto both of them. He felt it on his belly and chest, but he didn’t care as he stroked Cas through his aftershocks. His cheeks were wet and he wasn’t sure which of them was crying, maybe they both were, but when Cas had come down he released the angel’s cock and wrapped his arms around him. They clung to each other, alternating between whispering endearments and slow, sloppy kisses that left them both breathing hard and grinning like idiots.  


“I love you, Castiel,” Dean managed to pant out when he’d regained a little of his breath.  


“I love you too, Dean,” Cas said, his breathing every bit as ragged. “Thank you for-for sharing that with me.” His gorgeous blue eyes fluttered open and he gave Dean a wry smile. “Clearly I am going to have to do a better job tying you up next time.”  


Dean laughed and let out a soft grunt as he eased off of Cas’ lap. His whole body felt heavy. He collapsed backwards on the bed and must have dozed a little because Cas’ voice startled him. He looked up and Cas was standing by the bed with a towel. He nodded to his angel and sighed happily as he watched Cas clean them both up. Cas gently tugged the blankets out from under Dean and crawled into bed next to him, covering them both with the blankets. He pulled Dean against him and Dean turned, snuggling back and letting Cas spoon him. He felt the angel’s hand in his hair stroking tenderly and smiled when Cas kissed his cheek.  


“That was…” he let out a little chuff of laughter, feeling the heaviness of his limbs as his sated body relaxed into Cas’ embrace. “Damn, Cas.”  


Cas laughed softly, his breath ghosting over Dean’s ear. “I will admit,” he said. “It is not how I pictured this evening going. But I cannot say I’m sorry. Thank you for trusting me.”  


“Likewise,” Dean murmured. “Cas...I love you.”  


“You too, Dean.”  


“Do you mind if I go to sleep?” Dean asked, not sure that he could keep awake if Cas said he did.  


But it was Cas, so of course he didn’t. He just kissed Dean’s cheek and told him to rest. And as he drifted off, all Dean could think was that he’d undergo the worst torments that he faced in Hell again if it meant a lifetime of falling asleep in Cas’ arms.  


_Smitten,_ he thought with a smile as sleep claimed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a lot of fun to write! Thank you for reading <3.
> 
> I am going back and forth between next chapter being a kind of dark plot-heavy one and Thanksgiving fluff, but it should be up soon!


	8. For Into Darkness Fell His Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hunt goes badly wrong for Dean and Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: Torture, Homophobia, Child Abuse**
> 
> This chapter and the beginning of the next one are on the darker side, please hold off on reading if you don't have the spoons.
> 
> The Title is from "The Fall of Gil-Galad" in Fellowship of the Ring

“I’m telling you, Cas,” Dean said into his phone. “This one is just weird.” He was sitting in the front seat of the Impala outside the hotel he and Sam were staying in somewhere in the mountains of West Virginia.  


“Weird how?” Cas said.  


“Well, we were thinking vamps, because people are losing blood...but not all of them are dying. Some of them turn up days or even weeks later. Anemic, but, you know, alive. And then there’s who has been taken. It’s not the usual vics, not drifters and other high risk targets. It’s...the mayor, the chief of police, the superintendent of schools.” Dean scrubbed his hand over his face. “I don’t know, man. It’s just...weird. The last vic was a woman who disappeared a week ago and turned up shacking up with her high school boyfriend.”  


“Is that so odd?” Cas asked.  


“A little when she’s got a husband at home,” Dean said. “And she’s acting like she doesn’t know what he’s talking about when he says they’re married.”  


“Huh,” Cas said and Dean swore he could hear his brow furrowing. “That is peculiar. Did any of the others exhibit similar memory loss?”  


“Hard to say,” Dean said. “Sounds like they were all blindfolded. The mayor said he remembered hearing more than one voice, but that’s it. But here’s the thing...each of the people who have come back have had some sort of major life change once they did. Both the mayor and the chief of police stepped down, the superintendent has gone MIA, and the woman has left her husband.”  


“Perhaps someone is using their blood to compel them to do things,” Cas said.  


Dean frowned, thinking back. Everyone had been real cagey during their interviews, which wasn’t entirely unusual. No one liked talking to the FBI. “So they might be dirty, is what you’re saying.”  


“Or simply powerful,” Cas replied. “Power does tend to attract...attention. It might be wise to look at those who stood to benefit from their sudden...changes in status.”  


“That’s a good catch, Cas,” Dean said, determined to follow up on the idea with Sam once they were done on the phone. He sighed, leaning his head back against the seat. “I miss you,” he said quietly.  


Things had mostly returned to normal in the couple of weeks since they had returned from Chicago. The four of them had settled into an easy rhythm in the bunker and life was oddly...peaceful.  


At least until this case had forced him and Sam to pack up and drive to West Virginia. Cas and Eileen were still working on the HSL book and Dean had assured his angel that he and Sam would be fine.  


Still, as the case dragged on and on, Dean found himself feeling...lonely. He really had started to hate sleeping alone.  


“I miss you too,” Cas said. “Eileen misses Sam. It is kind of you to let them have the hotel room so they can video chat.”  


Dean shrugged, knowing that the separation was hard on Sam too. “Hopefully we’ll be home soon,” he said.  


“I would like that,” Cas said and Dean shivered at the note of need he heard in Cas’ voice.  


“Oh yeah?” Dean teased. “Why’s that?”  


“Do you really need me to say it?” Cas asked and Dean could hear the smile in his voice.  


“Yeah...yeah, I think I do,” Dean replied.  


He heard Cas huff on the other end of the line. “Because having a penis is very distracting,” he said. “And I find that I do not enjoy touching myself so much without you here.”  


Why was that so cute?  


“I can...help you out, if you want,” Dean said, glancing around himself. It was late, the parking lot was empty, the car was locked. Why not?  


He heard Cas’ soft little intake of breath. “Help?” he asked. “You mean…”  


“Talk you through it,” Dean said, shifting in the seat, aware of how quickly his own body was responding to the idea.  


There was silence on the other end of the line before Cas whispered, “ok.”  


“Where are you right now?” Dean asked.  


“On our bed,” Cas replied.  


_Our bed._ Dean smiled. “Lie down,” he said. “Get comfy.”  


He heard motion and then Cas sighed. “I am,” he said.  


“What are you wearing?” Dean asked and he’d meant it as a joke, but it flew right over Cas’ head.  


“Boxers,” Cas said. “And one of your shirts.”  


Dean chuckled, inwardly touched. “You know, I bought you your own.”  


“But they don’t smell like you,” Cas said.  


“We wash our clothes together, Cas,” Dean teased. “Don’t they all smell the same?”  


He heard Cas smiling. “No,” the angel said simply. “And while you are gone, it is nice to have you...close in that way.”  


“I love you,” Dean said and heard the sappy-ass smile on his face. “So damn much.”  


“I love you too,” Cas said and Dean could hear an equally sappy smile on his face. “I wish that you were here and I could kiss you.”  


“Me too,” Dean said, surprised to hear that his voice was a little rough. It had only been a week, but man, it felt so much longer. “I’d kiss you hard, Cas, kiss your neck, down your chest, over your belly-”  


“Dean!” Cas breathed.  


“What are you doing?” Dean asked.  


“I-” he swore he could hear Cas blushing. “I am touching myself over my boxers,” he said in a rush.  


“Does it feel good?” Dean asked, resisting the urge to touch himself. Sitting in the car rubbing one out wasn’t a good look.  


“Not as good as when you do it,” Cas said. “But yes.”  


“What would you want me to do?” Dean asked, closing his eyes and imaging Cas all stretched out and needy. He had a guess what the answer would be, and sure enough, Cas confirmed it right away.  


“Sit...sit like we were at the hotel,” Cas said, his voice a little breathy.  


“Your back against my chest,” Dean said, smiling. He hadn’t been prepared for how much that position did it for his angel, but clearly it had made an impression.  


“I like to listen to you,” Cas said. “When you touch me, when you tell me what you want from me it-it,” he let out a long, shuddering breath.  


“You touching, babe?” Dean asked, though from how uneven Cas’ breathing had gotten, he knew the answer.  


“Yes!” Cas breathed. “Dean-Dean I’m so wet.”  


“Imagine it’s me touching you instead,” Dean said, aching to do just that. “Imagine I’m holding you, my mouth against your ear, telling you how fucking sexy you look and how much I want you.”  


“Do...do you?” Cas panted. “Want me?”  


“Do you really have to ask?” Dean replied. “There’s no one I want more, Cas. There’s no one I want in my arms more, no one I want to have naked against me more,” he pitched his voice low. “No one I want to make cum more.”  


“Dean!” Cas’ voice was ragged and Dean shifted, wincing. Fuck all he wanted was to take out his own cock and stroke.  


A knock on his window almost gave him a heart attack and he jerked upright to see Sam giving him a quizzical look.  


“One sec, Cas,” Dean said. “Just wait one sec, baby. Sam’s here.” He heard Cas give a frustrated whimper before he grumbled his assent. Dean muted his phone and got out of the car. “Everything ok?” he asked.  


Sam nodded and Dean caught a flash of sadness on his face. “Sucks doing long distance,” he said, nodding at Dean’s phone. “Cas ok?”  


Dean blushed and nodded. “Eileen?”  


“Yeah,” Sam said. “Just wants us home. You know it’s funny I...I’m not used to being so...I don’t know, worried?” He shook his head. “But ever since what Chuck pulled, losing her like that...I hate to leave her alone.”  


“I know, Sammy,” Dean said. “Believe me, I do.”  


“I know,” Sam said, giving him a tight smile. He took a deep breath and gave a little shrug. “I’m gonna go pick up some dinner,” he said. “Mind if I take the car?”  


Dean shook his head. “Pie!” he said as Sam slid into the driver’s seat.  


Sam grinned at him and gunned the engine, then rolled out of the parking lot. Dean waved once and then hurried into their hotel room, locking the door behind himself and throwing the chain. He unmuted his phone as he wriggled out of his pants. “Cas?”  


“I’m here, Dean,” Cas said, his voice rough.  


“I don’t know how much time I have,” Dean said, flinging himself down on the bed. “But I’m all yours.”  


“Are you hard too?” Cas asked and there was an awkward sort of shyness about it that went straight to Dean’s heart. This was something he had noticed in the past couple of weeks. He didn’t think that Cas doubted his affection, exactly, but he did like to be reassured.  


Well, Dean could do that. “You tell me,” he said, snapping a quick picture and sending it to Cas. There was a pause and then Cas groaned. “Dean!”  


Dean heard rustling and then his phone buzzed. He let out a grunt at the sight of Cas’ cock, hard and glistening. “You look so good, Cas,” Dean murmured.  


_I just sent a dick pic to a guy._  


_I just sent a dick pic to my **boyfriend.**_  


_My boyfriend just sent me a dick pic and I want to save it in case this case drags on._  


_You disgusting-_  


NO.  


“So do you, Dean,” Cas whispered and Dean knew from the tension in his voice that he was stroking himself again. “So good, I just want to touch you.”  


“Just touch?” Dean teased gently. They had been doing this more and more, talking about oral. Dean was slowly coming around to the idea, and using it to tease each other was helping it not feel so...strange. “Is that really all you want to do, Castiel?”  


Cas let out a frustrated growl that went right to Dean’s cock. “No,” he rumbled. “I want to take you into my mouth, Dean, so that I can bring you to fruition with my tongue and lips.”  


Dean shuddered, not even thrown off by Cas’ lapse into “documentary speak”. He’d come to realize that Cas fell back on it when he was getting too far gone to edit himself. “I want you to,” he said. “I want to look down into those gorgeous eyes while you suck me, Cas.”  


“Your-your hand in my hair?” Cas panted. “Pulling me further onto you?”  


“Been...been watching porn, Cas?” Dean growled, finally giving in and taking his cock in hand. He gasped, he couldn’t help it. He was so wet and sensitive and hard as a damn rock. “Fuck, you make me crazy! Hell yes, my hand in your hair. Pulling, telling you how good you are, how sexy you look, how good you make my body feel.”  


“I want you to feel so good,” Cas moaned. “Dean!”  


“You getting close?” Dean asked softly.  


“Yes!”  


“Imagine it’s my hands on you,” Dean said, closing his eyes and imagining it himself. He could see the play of Cas’ muscles under his hands, see the way his partner’s back arched off the bed as Dean touched him. “And my,” he swallowed hard. “My mouth.”  


“Dean!”  


Dean glanced back at his phone where the picture of Cas was still showing and made a choice. “Imagine me between your legs Cas, one of my hands wrapped around your cock while I...I lick the tip.”  


“DEAN!” he swore that he could _feel_ the tension in Cas' body, and he knew from the little whimpers coming through the phone that Cas was already close.  


“You’re so damn hot,” Dean whispered, feeling a shudder go through his own body. “You’re so damn hot, Cas, and seeing you so wet makes me want to take you into my mouth and suck you until you cum harder than you ever have in your life-”  


“DEAN!” Cas’ voice was loud and ragged. “Dean, DeanDeanDeanDean!” and then his words turned into a loud wail that had Dean stroking his own cock hard and fast because Cas sounded so good and so hot and fuck did he fucking need him so badly it was almost painful and then he was following Cas over the edge with a bellow of his own, screaming his angel’s name into the pillow as the waves of pleasure swept over him. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there panting, but he realized at some point that he’d dropped his phone. He picked it up with a hand that shook. “Cas?” he managed to grit out. “Baby, you there?”  


“Yes,” Cas said in the soft, vaguely smug voice that often manifested after they had been intimate. “I am here. I am going to have to clean the wall behind your bed.”  


Dean shuddered, a breathless laugh ripping up out of his throat. “Damn, Cas.”  


“I have missed you,” Cas said. “All of me, clearly.”  


“You too,” Dean said, swallowing the sudden surge of emotion. “I’m going to come home soon,” he said, and heard how rough his voice sounded.  


“I would like that,” Cas said. He took a deep breath and Dean hated that he knew what was coming. “I should probably let you go,” Cas said sadly. “So you can get cleaned up before Sam comes back.”  


“I don’t want you to go,” Dean said, clenching his eyes closed.  


“I don’t want to,” Cas replied. “But I should so that we don’t traumatize your brother.”  


Dean snorted and knew that Cas was trying to make him smile. “Fair,” he said. “Thank you for talking tonight, Cas. And not just the sexy stuff. It was good to hear your voice. To get your insight.”  


“It was good to talk to you too, Dean,” Cas said, his voice soft and sweet. “I miss you.”  


“I miss you too.”  


“Please be safe,” Cas said. “I...find that I worry.”  


_So damn sweet._  


“Thank you,” Dean said. “But I promise to be safe. I got Sammy. I’ll be ok.”  


“I love you,” Cas added. “Goodnight, Dean.”  


“I love you too,” Dean whispered. “Night, Cas.”  


He heard the phone click off and draped his forearm over his head, feeling the tightness in his throat and the prickling behind his eyes. 

He really did miss him.

Dean came awake by inches, groaning as the intense pain made itself felt all over. Every single inch of his body was on fire, but worst of all was his head. It buzzed with agony that made it almost impossible for him to think at all. He was half tempted to allow himself to sink back into darkness when suddenly he heard a sound.  


It was a tiny whimper of pain.  


But it was _Sam’s_ tiny whimper of pain.  


“Sam?” Dean somehow managed to grunt. “Sammy?”  


“D-Dean?” Sam gasped from somewhere to his left. “Where-where are we?”  


Dean took a deep breath and tried to look around. His brain fought him on it, even moving his eyes was exhausting. But he caught a glimpse of a tiny room, a cell, with two chairs that looked like they had been stolen from a dentist's office, covered with chains.  


Dean cried out as his brain rebelled and pain stabbed behind his eyelids.  


“Morning,” said a man’s voice.  


Dean jerked in his bonds and was rewarded only by a flare of pain that started at the base of his skull and radiated along his spine, forcing his back into an unnatural arch.  


“Calm down,” the man said. “Or you’ll hurt yourself.”  


“And we wouldn’t want that,” said another voice. This one had a faint trace of an accent that Dean couldn’t place. “You and your brother are no good to us dead.”  


_Fuck, what the fuck happened to us?_ He vaguely remembered. Someone selling blood for use in magic, so people could curse other people. Take things that they wanted from them. Putting clues together that led them to an old house that had clearly seen better days. He remembered the dark stairs down to the basement that should have had cobwebs but were oddly clean.  


And then…  


“You’re probably wondering what happened,” said the second voice. “How a simple nest of vampires knocked out the great Winchesters.”  


“I wouldn’t say no to a little insight,” Dean attempted to quip.  


Fuck, talking hurt.  


A man stepped into his view. He was tall and slender, though something about the way that he moved suggested confidence. He had dirty blond hair and piercing blue eyes. He spoke softly as he leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.  


“Simply put,” he said. “I am a witch. My...associate is a vampire.”  


“There never was a nest,” Dean groaned. “It was just...you two.”  


“Yes,” the man said. “We thought our rather unusual...style might catch your eye.”  


“But why?” Sam panted from across the room.  


“You two are the Winchesters!” said the vampire. “Most famous bloodline in the world. Do you have any idea what your blood is worth?”  


_Oh no._  


The witch smiled, but the expression did not reach his eyes. “Rest,” he said. “We will talk more tomorrow.”  


Before Dean could respond, darkness claimed him.  


The next time he woke up, he was hooked up to a blood draw bag, chained to one of the chairs he’d seen earlier.  


“No,” he muttered, glancing over at Sammy. Sam was hooked up to a similar contraption and his head lolled to the side. “Sammy?”  


Sam groaned, frowning as he regained consciousness. He jumped when he caught sight of the needle in his arm, then let out a ragged moan of pain.  


“My head!” Sam grunted. He cracked one eye open, his arms tensing as he struggled against his bonds. “Dean-”  


“Yeah,” Dean said. He tried to struggle against his bonds, but it hurt. Every time he so much as blinked it was like he was touching an electric fence.  


“Just relax,” said the witch, appearing from the shadows. “There is no purpose in you struggling. You cannot escape, and I have no intention of killing you.”  


“What’s your name?” Dean asked, struggling to hold on to consciousness. “You know mine...doesn’t seem fair.”  


“Naomhán,” the man said, an Irish accent suddenly pronounced enough for Dean to identify it. “Nevan, for the filthy Anglophiles. My compatriot is William.”  


“Why…” Dean said panting. “Why a witch and a vampire...sounds like a bad joke.”  


“A vampire has access to a network of people who desire blood, a witch has the means to bind a Winchester and keep his...pet angel from interfering.”  


_Oh, NO._  


Nevan smiled. “William did not lie,” he said. “Your blood is worth a great deal. But I have my own reasons for desiring a...link to you, Dean Winchester.”  


“Get...get in line,” Dean panted. “Let my brother go.”  


“No,” Nevan said. “Nothing will more reliably keep you in line than a hold on your brother.”  


“Do I...do I know you?” Dean asked, his brain aching.  


“No,” Nevan said. “But I know your angel.”  


_No, no, no, no, no._  


“W...what?” Dean struggled to say.  


“Go to sleep,” Nevan said. “We will talk more tomorrow.”  


He rose and the world around Dean faded to black.  


The next time he woke up he felt undeniably worse. His energy was lagging, his head was pounding, and he struggled to collect his thoughts.  


“Sammy?”  


“D...Dean?” Sam’s voice was faint, horribly faint.  


_Shit...oh shit._  


“You two are very close to death,” Nevan said. “And William and I can keep you here indefinitely. Too weak to fight us, with blood still worth a fortune. And warded so that the angel cannot just...swoop in and heal you.”  


“Why?” Dean somehow managed to gasp. “Why?”  


“You want the monologue?” Nevan asked, sounding amused.  


Dean shrugged, nodding. “Curious,” he grunted.  


“Too bad,” Nevan said. He rose and then Dean felt pain lancing through him. He tried to be strong, tried not to scare Sammy, but it hurt so fucking bad and then he was screaming.

His throat was dry, so fucking dry, and his shoulders ached and his eyelids felt like sandpaper when he blinked them open. Right away he knew that he wasn’t strapped to the chair anymore.  


But Sam was.  


Right there where he could see.  


His brother’s skin was gray and shiny and his breaths were quick and shallow.  


“Sam?” Dean whispered and fuck did it hurt to talk. “Sammy?”  


Sam groaned and Dean became aware of motion to his right.  


“Leave him alone,” he gritted out. “Just leave him the fuck-”  


He screamed as something dug into his side, right between his ribs. It burned horribly and then twisted and Dean jerked against his bonds, trying not to scream but screaming anyway. Sam twitched and looked at him dully before his head lolled to the side, and then Nevan was in front of him.  


“Why?”  


He felt a hand on his chin, jerking it up. “Smile,” Nevan said and then there was a flash.  


His phone, the witch was taking pictures with his phone.  


“Who are you sending that to?” Dean rasped.  


Wordlessly, Nevan turned his phone so that he could see.  


Cas.  


_Oh God, oh no. Oh no no no no no._  


“What have you done with the Winchesters?” came the immediate reply. “Who are you?! What do you want?!”  


Then the phone began to ring and Nevan smiled. He let it ring several times before answering. “Hello, Castiel,” he said.  


Dean could hear Cas. “What do you want?!” the angel growled. “Why have you taken them?”  


“You know...everyone knows that you are close to the Winchesters,” Nevan said. “But I suppose that I didn’t realize how close you were to Dean. That definitely makes this better.”  


“What-”  


“You’ll be hearing from us, Castiel,” Nevan said. “Tell Castiel goodnight, Dean.”  


Dean gritted his teeth, glaring at the witch. He knew it was coming, he did his best not to scream, but the blade was back between his ribs twisting and digging in and the cry of pain escaped him eventually. He heard the anguish in Cas’ voice, even with the phone several feet away.  


“Dean!”  


“Goodnight, Castiel,” Nevan said. And then he turned off Dean’s phone.  


“Why?” Dean panted. “Why are you doing this to us? To him?”  


“He took something from me,” Nevan said flatly. “So I am going to take from him. But first, Dean, I want to get a sense of just what you are to each other...beyond your sexting.” He reached out and put his hand on Dean’s chest and then Dean was screaming because it felt like ants were slowly crawling into every potion of his body, gnawing at his insides as they surged into every last bit of him. Then they were crawling over his brain and it hurt and it itched and the only thing in the world that he wanted was for it to stop.  


“That’s it,” said Nevan from very far away. “Let’s get past all the bullshit, Dean and get down to what’s real. Just relax. I promise you, the things I let you see will be so much more pleasant than what is happening to your body.”  


The pain hit him again, starting in his gut this time and blooming outwards, making Dean thrash and whimper as bile came up his throat and trickled out of his slack lips. 

_NO, no that’s for us, just for us, you can’t have...can’t see..._

*****

Dean sat on the edge of his bed, watching as Castiel fiddled with his radio. He couldn’t help but grin as he watched the other young man. He’d preset Cas’ classical station on the radio ages ago, but Cas still hadn’t realized it.  


“For someone heading off to med school, you really do suck at using technology,” Dean teased.  


Abruptly the sound of Mozart was coming through the radio, almost completely free of static. Cas turned and grinned at him, his blue eyes shining. “You were saying.”  


Dean grinned, tamping down the feeling of sadness that came up when he thought that in a few weeks Cas would just be...gone. Across the country on the East Coast, heading up to Boston for med school.  


And he’d be staying in Kansas, helping his dad in the shop. Cas promised he’d write, and call, and Dean trusted his best friend more than he ever had anyone else in his life. Well, besides Sammy. But distance changed people. And Boston. Medical school. What could Dean possibly bring to Cas’ life once he started all that?  


“What’s wrong?” Cas asked, sitting down next to him close enough that their thighs touched. Dean tried not to notice. Cas was another dude, his best friend, and you didn’t think like that about other dudes.  


Not if you wanted to avoid getting the shit beaten out of you, anyway.  


“Nothing,” Dean said right away.  


Cas’ eyes narrowed. “You’re lying,” he said gently. “Are you nervous about taking Patricia Lawson to the prom?” he asked.  


Dean snorted. “Nervous? Nah.”  


“You know that she’s going to want to dance,” Cas said, giving him an amused smile.  


“Nah,” Dean said. Then he really thought about it and groaned. “You really think so?”  


Cas nodded, a shit-eating grin on his face and Dean narrowed his eyes at him. “How do you know?” he asked.  


“She said as much,” Cas said with a shrug. “I overheard her.” He raised an eyebrow. “Better start practicing, Dean.”  


“Well, shit,” Dean said.  


“I can teach you,” Cas offered in a soft, shy voice that hit Dean weirdly in the stomach. “If you want. Some basic stuff anyway. Billie taught me.” Dean knew he was talking about his foster sister Billie, who was a couple years older and scared the shit out of everyone. “Let me help you, Dean, so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of the prettiest girl in our grade.”  


Dean nodded, inwardly marveling at his best friend. Sure Cas could be a little...innocent sometimes, but there was so much that he knew. Despite being abandoned by his family at a young age, growing up in a home, he kept up his grades, became a high school wrestling star, and was getting a full ride to Harvard on his grades…  


_How are we friends?_ Dean wondered for the umpteenth time. _What the hell does he see in me?_  


Cas rose and held out his hand and Dean was moving before he really thought about it, awkwardly taking Cas’ hand and putting his free one on Cas’ shoulder. He felt Cas’ hand on his waist and felt an odd shiver go through his body. “We have a couple weeks,” Cas said brightly. “Maybe you won’t be totally hopeless by prom.”  


So they had practiced after school every day. And every day Dean was aware of something...unspooling inside of him. He cared less and less about not embarrassing himself or Patricia, instead caring more and more about not stepping on Cas’ toes, or how Cas’ hand felt in the small of his back.  


_I need to put an end to this,_ he told himself every morning, but by the time Cas arrived in the afternoon he was always ready to do it again.  


One evening as they danced slowly to a soft classical tune that Dean couldn’t place, he found himself glancing down in time to see Cas looking at him with such a tender look that it made his throat close up. “What’s up?” he asked gruffly.  


“I have something for you,” Cas said. “A...a graduation present, I guess.”  


Dean flushed bright red. Not just because it was sweet, but because he had something for Cas too. “Same,” he said, taking a step back and crossing to his desk. He pulled out a little packet and turned around to see Cas pull an envelope from his back pocket. “You go first,” he said, holding out his gift.  


Cas took it, his eyes wide, and unwrapped it with a hand that shook. He let out a soft chuckle when the low light of Dean’s bedroom revealed a pentagram necklace on a long silver chain. “In honor of scary movie night,” Dean said with a little shrug. _And so you don’t forget me._ “It took me like...fifty lawns, so try not to lose it.”  


Cas slipped it over his head right away and stood looking down at it with wonder in his eyes for a long moment.  


“Do you...do you like it?” Dean asked, as the silence wore on.  


Finally Cas looked up at him, his eyes shiny with tears. He smiled and brought the pentagram to his lips before tucking it into his shirt. “Love it,” he said, his voice raspy. He stepped closer and held out the envelope. “Your turn.”  


Dean swallowed hard, trying to process what he’d just seen Cas do. The gesture wasn’t just a friendly one. It couldn’t be. Not with the way Cas was looking at him. Why didn’t that bother him?  


He took the envelope and opened it. Inside there was a letter in Cas' impossibly neat script and a pair of Greyhound tickets.

_Dean,_

_You are the best friend I have ever had in my life. You taught me that I was worth something, and I know that I wouldn’t be going to Harvard but for the faith that you have always had in me. But leaving you will be the hardest thing that I have ever done. I can only face it by promising myself, and you, that it is not a goodbye, but just...see you later. To that end...I bought you tickets to Boston. I hope that you will visit me soon and often._

_Love,_  
_Castiel Harvelle_

“The hardest thing you’ve ever done?” Dean read out, his voice rough.  


“Yes,” Cas said, taking another step closer. “I wish that you could come with me, Dean. Someone like you...someone so handy, you’d find work right away.”  


“Cas-”  


“I know,” Cas said sadly. “Sam. I wouldn’t ask you to leave him, Dean. But maybe when he graduates…”  


Dean nodded, unable to speak as a wave of emotion threatened to overwhelm him. Suddenly the fact that Cas was going to be gone in a matter of weeks felt way, way too real. He carefully put the note and tickets back in the envelope, then tucked them in his back pocket. He pulled Cas into an embrace, leaning his head against Cas’. “I’m going to miss you,” he managed to say.  


“I’ll miss you too, Dean,” Cas said, pulling back and looking up into Dean’s eyes. They stood there holding each other, looking down into each other’s eyes for a long moment before Dean saw Cas’ gaze flick down to his lips. “Dean…” Cas breathed. “I want to kiss you.”  


He knew that he should say no. He knew that he should. But Cas was looking at him with such love and hope and tenderness there was just no way he could. Instead he nodded and Cas made a soft little sound and rose up on his tiptoes, kissing Dean hard on the lips.  


Dean had been expecting something soft and tentative, but what he got instead was heat and passion. Cas’ arms were tight around him and he found himself pulling Cas against himself just as hard.  


“I love you,” Cas whispered against his lips. “I’m in love with you, Dean. No matter where I go, that’s never going to change.” He cupped Dean’s cheeks, looking up into his eyes. “You’ll always have a home with me, Dean.”  


Dean was crying now like a damn girl, and he didn’t have any words, so he leaned down and kissed his best friend, his Cas, on the lips.  


And then he heard the floorboard creak.  


He spun around, shoving Cas behind him as his father’s frame filled the door. “Dad!”  


John Winchester stepped into the room and Dean knew right away that he’d seen them just from the way he was looking at them. There was an expression of pure rage and disgust on his face as he took a step closer to them.  


“Dean?” John growled. “What the fuck did I just see?”  


“Dad,” Dean’s mind was racing trying to find something to say and he was terrified because John was between them and the door and holding a beer bottle and Dean knew it wasn’t the first that he’d had. “Dad, we can talk about this, all right, just...let Cas leave.”  


“I’m not going anywhere,” Cas said, stepping around Dean to stand at his side.  


“Get out of my house, Castiel,” John said, his eyes never leaving Dean’s.  


“So you can beat him?” Cas asked bluntly. “So he can show up to school with bruises again?” He shook his head. “No.”  


“Cas,” Dean gritted out, his heart in his throat. “Cas, go. It’s ok. I’ll be ok.” He knew the look in John’s eyes. Tonight was going to be bad. He didn’t want Cas anywhere near it. “Just go,” he pleaded.  


Instead Cas stepped between Dean and his father. “I won’t let you hurt him, Mr. Winchester,” he said and though his voice shook, his back was straight and his shoulders were back.  


Dean grabbed Cas around the waist and jerked him out of the way as John swung the bottle, catching the blow intended for Cas against his shoulder. “Run!” he barked to Cas, shoving him towards the door as John recovered from his swing and lunged towards him again. He gave Cas another push and stumbled after him, both of them crashing down the stairs and spilling out onto the front porch.  


“GO!” Dean ordered, hearing John’s thundering steps behind them and fighting down the wave of panic. “I’ll be ok, Cas, I swear! Just go!”  


“Dean-”  


Dean grabbed his best friend by the lapels and shook him. “He’s drunk, Cas. He’ll kill you and that’ll kill me. GO. I’ll see you at school.”  


The look Cas gave him was an agonized one as Dean shoved him towards his car. “Dean-”  


“GO!” Dean screamed as the front door banged open.  


Cas let out a sob as John barreled towards them, but he did as Dean begged and leapt into the silver Sunbird, peeling out of the driveway.  


Dean didn’t run. Didn’t fight. Didn’t do anything as John caught up to him. He didn’t care as the blows fell because all that mattered was that Cas had gotten away.

As it turned out, however, he had been wrong. He wasn’t going to see Cas at school because he wasn’t allowed to go back to school. His father called them up and made up some excuse about Dean being ill, then packed him off to his Uncle Bobby’s house to work in the junkyard. He knew that John hadn’t told Bobby what happened, he was too ashamed of Dean to admit what he’d done.  


“Jesus, boy,” Bobby said when he’d opened the door.  


“I don’t want to talk about it,” Dean muttered sullenly.  


“Dean-”  


“I really, really don’t want to talk about it,” Dean gritted out. “I fucked up, Uncle Bobby. Dad was real angry.”  


“That don’t excuse-”  


“Can I go lie down?” Dean asked, because if he had to look at the anger scrawled on his uncle’s face any longer he was going to cry.  


Bobby sighed, but didn’t force it. “Work starts at 6AM sharp,” he said. “Dinner’s at 7.”  


“Not hungry,” Dean said.  


Bobby shrugged. “Suit yourself. You know where the fridge is.” Then he’d stumped off towards his office without a backwards glance. Dean climbed the stairs wearily, wincing as the bruises protested. By some miracle nothing was broken, but it had still been the worst beating of his life. He put his stuff away and sat on the bed, staring blankly ahead at the wall. He’d never see Cas again now. The letter and the tickets had been taken from him, torn apart in front of his eyes. Maybe it was for the best. Cas’ life had been hard enough already.  


He lay down, curling up in a ball and letting the tears hit. He’d lost Cas, he’d lost Sammy -- there was no way their father would let Sam anywhere near his ‘deviant’ older brother. There was nothing left for him.  


That night was the worst of his life as he lay and tried not to cry loudly enough to wake Bobby.  


_You will always have a home with me, Dean._  


Fuck, he wanted to go home. To _that_ home.  


“Cas,” he whispered into the pillow he clutched against his chest. “Damn it, Cas!”  


The next few days were an awful, hazy blur. Dean worked hard, he always did, but it was as though he was wearing weights the whole time. He cried most nights, and on the fifth day at Uncle Bobby’s he was extra groggy when work started, and he knew that he looked awful, but he didn’t care. He dragged through the chores that Bobby gave him and he was back looking for a door that would fit a client’s sedan when he heard a car pull up. Reflexively he tensed, worried that it was his father, and the anxiety only got worse when Bobby called him.  


“Dean! You’d better come here.”  


Part of him wanted to hide, but that wouldn’t be fair to Bobby. So he slunk through the rows of cars until he came around the corner and caught sight of a familiar silver Sunbird.  


And then there was Cas, sweeping Dean into his arms with a soft cry of dismay, as Bobby nodded once and retreated into his shop.  


“Cas!” Dean pulled back and looked into Cas’ eyes, unable to believe it. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “How did you find me?”  


Cas shrugged that adorable, self-effacing shrug. “You talk about your Uncle Bobby’s auto shop enough,” he said, his lips quivering a little. “There’s only so many shops owned by Roberts in the phone book. I called them all.”  


“You called them all?” Dean breathed, shaking his head.  


“I didn’t want to put Sammy at risk by asking him anything,” Cas said. “That’s why it took me so long. He’s ok, by the way. Jo has been keeping an eye on him on the down low.”  


“Cas,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I don’t...I-”  


“He hurt you,” Cas said, his jaw rigid as he reached out and touched Dean’s collarbone where the bruises had at least started to go yellow. “Son of a bitch!”  


"It’s ok,” Dean whispered, pulling Cas back against him. “It’s ok, it doens’t matter. You’re ok. Sammy’s ok. That’s all I care about.”  


Cas hugged him. “Will you let me take a look at you anyway?” he asked, his expression worried.  


“You wanna play doctor after all that?” Dean teased and then winced at the pained expression on Cas’ face. “Sorry,” he said. “Yeah. Let me check with Bobby.”  


He poked his head into the shop, noting that Cas had taken hold of his hand and wasn’t letting him go. “Bobby, do you mind if I-”  


“Take the afternoon off,” Bobby said gruffly. “Maybe you’ll look a little less like death warmed over tomorrow.” He jerked his chin at Cas. “You any good with your hands, boy?”  


Cas shrugged a shoulder, giving Dean a look out of the corner of his eye. “I’m a fast learner,” he said before taking Dean’s hand and tugging him towards the house.  


“Thanks, Uncle Bobby,” Dean called over his shoulder. He didn’t remember leading Cas up to his room, or shutting the door, but he remembered how it felt to have Cas press him up against it gently and give him a kiss that he would remember until the day that he died.  


“I’m so sorry I left you,” Cas said, his voice rough. “I haven’t slept a wink since I did. All I could think about was...was this.” He reached out and brushed his fingers over the bruise on Dean’s cheekbone. “I should have stayed.”  


Dean shook his head. “No,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas. “No, you shouldn’t have. It would have been so much worse if you had.” A sob caught in his throat. “And I never would have forgiven myself if something had happened to you, Castiel.”  


“Dean,” Cas murmured, pulling him in for a gentle hug.  


“Cas.”  


They stayed there holding each other for a long time before Cas leaned down and brushed his lips over Dean’s again. “It won’t happen again,” he said firmly. “Me leaving. I’ve requested a deferral from Harvard for at least a year.”  


Dean stared at him. “You what? But that’s your dream.”  


“Only part of it,” Cas said softly and Dean’s insides melted.  


“Cas-”  


“We need time for the courts to emancipate Sam,” Cas said. He let out a soft laugh. “He came and found me. He’s already applied. He’ll be joining us out here and working for Donna in the Sheriff’s office.”  


“Joining...us?” Dean asked, his heart beginning to pound in his chest. “You...you’re staying here?”  


Cas nodded, then his expression turned uncertain. “As...as long as that’s ok?” he said quietly. “If you don’t want me to I, I’ll go home. I just wanted you and Sam to be safe and-”  


Dean kissed him, feeling tears streaking down his face as he finally gave himself utterly over to the fact that he was in love with his best friend. “I love you, Cas,” he sobbed, clinging to him. “I don’t know how I got so lucky but I...I-”  


“I love you too,” Cas said, his voice gentle. He tugged Dean’s hand, leading him towards the bed. “Come on, you need to rest. You look like hell.”  


So they lay down together and Dean curled up against Cas’ side, his head resting on his shoulder. He looked up into Cas’ gorgeous eyes and felt himself give a smile that wobbled. “You really are my guardian angel,” he whispered.

*****

“Well, isn’t that saccharine? Not hunters. Not an angel and a human but two men raising little Sammy. How...precious.”  


Dean groaned as the cozy scene vanished, along with the comforting warmth of Cas’ body against him. Cas...human Cas...every bit as much what Dean needed in that life as in this one.  


“So it’s more than the sex,” Nevan said.  


“Get the fuck out of my head,” Dean growled.  


“Why?” Nevan asked. “When it’s painting such a clear picture of your level of dependence on Castiel, and his on you?”  


“Why do you care?”  


The witch stepped forward and placed his hand on Dean’s chest again, and Dean’s body convulsed with what felt like thousands of volts of electricity. He heard himself screaming somewhere very far away and then abruptly it stopped, leaving him whimpering with blood trickling from his mouth and nose. The camera flashed again and he groaned.  


He heard his phone begin to buzz and once again Nevan let it ring for awhile before putting it on speaker.  


“Hello?” he said mildly.  


“What do you want?” Cas sounded awful. “Whatever your price, I will pay it. Just tell me what you want.”  


“A trade,” Nevan said. “You for the Winchesters.”  


“NO...Cas!” Dean panted. “No…”  


“Yes,” Cas said immediately, as Dean had known that he would.  


“Wonderful,” Nevan said. “I’ll send you coordinates. Come alone, or they both die.” Then he hung up.  


No.  


Dean screamed as the blade slashed down his stomach, shuddering in the bonds that held him. He realized belatedly that his extremities were very cold.  


_How much blood have I lost?_  


The blade slashed again, and again, followed by punishing blows to his gut and ribs, and all the while whenever he clawed his way back to consciousness he saw Sam getting grayer and grayer, his breathing getting too shallow.  


“You’re killing him,” he panted as Nevan set down the angel blade and crossed his arms. “Let-let him go…”  


“Your concern about your brother is touching,” Nevan said. “But you should worry more about yourself.” He closed his hand and Dean felt a rictus of pure agony shoot through his body. It shredded inside of him like shrapnel, digging into every soft, exposed piece of his body, mind, and soul until he was howling and thrashing like an animal caught in a trap. He had vomited at some point and it was on his chest and chin but it didn’t matter because the agony had stopped.  


Nevan was staring towards the stairs, a smile on his face. “It would appear that we have company,” he said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad to say that chapter rollout is probably going to slow down a bit. I was supposed to have this week off from work, but that is no longer the case. I'm still going to do as much writing as I can, but it's probably going to be a bit slower. I'm sorry about that :(
> 
> As always, thank you for reading <3


	9. With Foes Ahead, Behind Us Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cavalry arrives for the Winchester Brothers! The harrowing experience of their capture and subsequent rescue after all they have already experience leads Dean and Cas to explore new levels of intimacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Torture, internalized homophobia**

Soon, it was much too soon!  


Nevan had only just sent the coordinates.  


If Cas was here, he’d come without backup and it was going to get him killed.  


“DEAN!” Cas bellowed from upstairs. “SAM!”  


“No,” Dean breathed, but it was too late. He heard Cas’ thunderous footsteps and then his angel was striding into the basement, his eyes wide with rage. He brandished an angel blade, and Nevan chuckled and put Dean’s angel blade to his throat. “Hello, Castiel.”  


William stepped out behind Cas, a double barreled shotgun in his hands as he guarded the stairs.  


“Dean-” Cas ground out, taking a step towards him.  


Dean felt the knife dig in and Nevan shook his head. “Drop it,” he said firmly.  


Cas complied instantly and then held his hands up, his eyes wide and desperate. “I have done as you asked. Let them go and you can do whatever you like with me.”  


_My guardian angel._  


Nevan tossed Cas a pair of angel restraints. “Put those on,” he said.  


Cas did.  


Nevan kicked a chair towards him. “Sit and stay, like a good angel.”  


Cas did, though his jaw was clenched tightly. “Why are you doing this?” he growled. “What have I done that you must hurt my friends to get to me?”  


“More than just friends, from what I understand,” Nevan said. “Judging from the very...spicy messages between you and Dean.”  


“Why?” Cas demanded, and it was clear that he was doing his best not to look at Dean. For his part, Dean couldn’t stop looking at Cas. His normally extremely neat angel was a mess. His tie was loose and hanging a little crooked, the edges of his trenchcoat were dirty and filled with burrs. There was a big streak of something on one of his sleeves and the other sported a jagged rip. Even his shoes were speckled with mud. Even though Cas didn’t need to sleep, he still looked like he hadn’t in weeks. His face was lined and it looked to Dean like he had been crying.  


“Don’t you remember me, Castiel?” Nevan said. His accent broadened as he spoke. “Tiny town in the South of Ireland. Perhaps you better remember Mhaire, my wife?”  


“Mhaire,” Cas murmured, and then his eyes grew wide. “The kind woman with the bees.”  


“You took her from me,” Nevan said. “You took everything from me! I lost my wife, my home, my friends, everything-”  


“You were posing as an Angel of the Lord,” Cas said and the contempt was so thick in his voice that it was almost a physical presence in the room. “You had to be stopped.”  


“Mhaire-”  


“Ceased to love you when she saw you for what you truly were,” Cas spat. “A pathetic witch with more power than honor who was using that power to steal from his neighbors...all in the name of God.”  


“I was her _husband_ ,” Nevan said, his voice rising. “It was her duty to obey-”  


Cas lip curled. “She prayed for deliverance from you,” he snarled at the other man. “I answered her prayers.”  


Nevan struck as quick as a viper, throwing the angel blade so that it embedded in Cas’ shoulder. Cas cried out with pain, a sound that went straight to Dean’s heart and he found himself struggling against his bonds, even though it hurt like a bitch. “CAS!”  


Neven strode away from Dean’s side and took hold of the angel blade. “Take me to her,” Nevan growled, twisting the angelic blade so that Cas grunted with pain again.  


“Leave him alone!” Dean heard himself say desperately. He didn’t think he was strong enough to watch Cas get tortured. He could take it himself, but seeing it happen to Cas?  


“I can’t,” Cas said.  


Nevan struck him across the face, then dragged the angel blade across his belly, tearing Cas’ shirt and leaving a long, ugly cut. “I said, take me to her!”  


“CAS!”  


Cas looked up at Nevan, blood trickling down his face. His expression was absolute, the seraph rather the man. “And I said, I can’t.”  


Nevan gestured at Dean and then he was writhing in his bonds, unable to hold in the scream as Nevan’s magic blazed inside of him as though he had been filled with napalm.  


“She’s dead!” Cas yelled from somewhere very far away.  


The pain abated, leaving Dean panting and staring over at Cas.  


“You’re lying,” Nevan said, his voice low and dangerous.  


“I see no point in lying,” Cas said. “I was glad to help her. She had a happy, quiet life away from you. She had a beautiful soul, and more than earned her place in Heaven.” The angel’s eyes narrowed. “Where you will never be able to follow her.”  


Nevan struck him, alternating between punishing blows to his face and jabs and slashes with the angel blade. Dean was screaming for Cas to stop smiling up at the man, but at the same time...he got it. He understood the visceral pleasure in knowing that someone like Nevan was powerless to cause harm.  


To Mhaire anyway.  


“She was my wife!” Nevan roared. “You had no right!”  


“I had…” Cas swallowed hard and spat blood. “I had _every_ right,” Cas growled. “She is a child of God who asked for my protection and I _gave_ it.”  


There was movement by the stairs and it took everything Dean had not to react as Eileen put her finger to her lips, holding up a machete with the other hand.  


“I bet you were just pissed that your wife upgraded,” Dean gritted out. “From whatever sad little package you got down-”  


The witch clenched his fists and it felt as though strands of barbed wire were wrapping around Dean’s insides, choking off his words into an agonized cry.  


Then things began to happen.  


Eileen struck and William’s head went thumping across the floor. Nevan whirled around, raising his hand to cast a spell. Eileen dived to the side, which made way for Jodi who stepped around the corner with a revolver. She fired once and Nevan’s head snapped back before he dropped to the ground, a smoking hole in his forehead.  


_Witch killing bullets, thank you Bobby._  


Dean heard himself let out an embarrassing sob of relief as Eileen angrily jerked the keys to their restraints off of Nevan and freed Cas.  


“Sammy!” Dean gritted out. “They’ve taken too much of his blood, Eileen! He’s going to die!”  


Eileen went to Sam immediately, trying to unlock the restraints, but her hands were shaking, making the keys jangle. Jodi took them from her gently and freed Sam, before tossing the keys over to Cas. Dean felt the restraints give way and then he was slumping against Cas, who grunted with pain. Dean tried to stand on his own, but found he wasn’t able and slowly sank to the floor with Cas slowing his descent.  


“I’ve got you,” Cas said, his eyes shiny with tears.  


Dean shook his head. “Help Sammy, Cas,” he panted. “Please.”  


“Dean-”  


Dean forced his eyes open, shaking his head. “I hurt, I hurt but I’m ok. Sammy...Sammy’s not. Please, Cas-”  


“Sam!” Eileen’s voice sounded frightened and Dean was aware of Jodi crouching at his side, taking his weight as Cas rose and went to Sam.  


“He’s lost too much blood,” Cas said after a moment. “More than we have in the car. We need to get him home to the bunker.” Dean could hear the pain in his voice. “I don’t think I have the strength to take everyone and heal Sam.”  


“Take him,” Eileen signed right away.  


“I can take you too,” Cas said. “Sam will want you there.”  


“I’ll get Dean home,” Jodi said right away. “It’s all right, Cas, get Sam home.”  


Cas’ eyes were desperate when they met his. “Will you be all right?” he asked, looking back and forth between Dean and Jodi.  


“Yeah,” Dean said. “Yeah, Cas, I’ll be ok. I’ll see you at home.”  


“I love you,” Cas said, giving him a heartbroken look as he placed his hands on Sam and Eileen.  


“Love you too,” Dean panted and then there was the clap of wings and Sam, Cas, and Eileen vanished.  


He did his best to help Jodi gather up anything identifying, but by the time they had picked up all of he and Sam’s weapons, as well as any notes on them that they could find, the world was spinning around Dean. Jodi helped him into the backseat of her SUV and covered him up with a coarse blanket from the trunk. She handed him a bottle of Gatorade and a package of animal crackers promised to be right back, as soon as she’d burned the building down. Dean heard the comforting sound of the car doors locking all around him. He managed a few sips of Gatorade and a couple of crackers before passing out, and when he woke up again the car was rumbling along beneath him. There was an IV in his arm hooked up to a blood bag that had been attached to the "oh shit handle". Dean sat up with a groan, careful not to dislodge the IV. “Where are we?”  


Jodi glanced up into the rearview mirror. “Just on the other side of St. Louis,” she said. “About seven more hours to the bunker.”  


Dean reached into his pockets and found his phone.  


It was dead.  


“Eileen texted a little while ago,” she said. “Sam is doing better, but Cas is still monitoring him. He asked if he should come and get you, but I said you’d want him to stay with Sam and Eileen.”  


“Thanks, Jodi,” Dean said and hoped that she knew it was for more than that.  


She smiled at him and nodded and he knew that she did. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, shivering. “How did you guys get there so fast?”  


“Eileen called me as soon as Sam didn’t check in in the morning,” Jodi said. “She had already started driving with Cas and sent him to come and get me as soon as she got a hold of me.”  


“But how did you find us?” Dean asked. “Our phones?”  


Jodi shook her head. “Eileen and Sam figured any monster worth their salt would know a hunter could be tracked by their phone, so they've been experimenting with wearable tech. That new fitness watch Sam’s been wearing, that has a GPS, and so does the little...tile thing that you can attach to your phone or keys. He sewed his inside his jacket. Though as it turns out, the wards that kept Cas from being able to see you both messed with the GPS signal too. It took us the better part of the last day just to hone in on where you were. We had just about nailed it when the witch sent coordinates.” Her expression turned grim. “Thank god we were most of the way there when that asshole started sending Cas pictures. If we’d been further out, I think it might have broken him.” She cleared her throat, glancing at him in the mirror again. “So...you and Cas?”  


Dean nodded, his cheeks getting hot. “Yeah,” he said. “Me and Cas.”  


To his surprise, he heard her give a soft little laugh. “Bout time.”  


Dean was startled into a laugh that hurt like hell, feeling a little knot of tension give way inside of him.  


“I’m happy for you boys,” she said, filling the inside of him with warmth.  


“Thanks, Jodi,” Dean said, closing his eyes. They drove for a while in silence before Jodi pulled into a rest stop to get them something to eat. She was gentle but efficient as she switched out the blood bags, and Dean had moved to the front passenger seat by the time she came back. She raised an eyebrow at him. “Here I thought I was going to have to kick you out of the driver’s seat,” she said wryly.  


Dean let out a tired laugh and shook his head. Jodi handed him a bottle of apple juice and a bag that smelled like pure, greasy heaven.  


“Juice first,” she said sternly, as they began to drive again.  


Dean didn’t argue, finishing the juice before reaching into the bag and pulling out the bacon cheeseburger.  


“Eat that slow,” Jodi said, glancing over at him. “No throwing up in the car.”  


Dean couldn’t have disobeyed if he tried. His body hurt, his stomach hurt, and after only about three bites he had to pause and have more Gatorade. It took him the better part of the rest of the trip home to finish, and he’d dozed off when the car rolled to a halt. Jodi gently shook him awake and helped him out of the car, grabbing he and Sam’s weapon bags and carrying them over to the door. She raised her hand to knock when the door swung open, revealing an extremely bedraggled looking Castiel.  


The angel had Dean in his arms in an instant and Dean knew that he was crying in front of Jodi, but he didn’t care because Cas was holding him. He was there, he was ok, they were all ok.  


“Dean,” Cas rasped into his ear. “I’ve got you. Sam is safe. You are safe.” He pulled back a little and cupped both of Dean’s cheeks, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. “Thank you, Jodi,” he said, giving her a grateful little smile. “For bringing him home to me.”  


Jodi was grinning at the two of them and normally Dean would have had something sassy to say, but all he could do was lean against Cas and just...breathe.  
“Just remember to invite me to the wedding,” she teased and Dean blushed, grinning at her.  


“Come inside,” Cas said. “You must be exhausted.”  


“I should get back to the girls,” Jodi said, glancing back at her SUV with a worried expression.  


“You can leave in the morning,” Cas insisted. “But you need to rest. It would not be safe to undertake another twelve hour drive.”  


“When did you turn into such a mother hen?” Jodi asked with a smile. “All right, one night.”  


Cas stepped back and let her enter the bunker first, grabbing the weapons bags with one hand and wrapping his other arm around Dean. Together they made their way downstairs where Dean looked up in time to see Sam come swooping in from somewhere and pull him into an embrace. “You ok?” Sam asked. “Dean?”  


Dean nodded. “You?” He pulled back and looked up at his little brother, noting that his color was miles better. “Why are you out of bed?” he grumbled. “You should be resting.”  


“Cas said you were close,” Sam said with a shrug. “I wanted to be here when you got in. I’ll go lie down in a sec.”  


“You’ll go lie down now,” Dean said, closing his eyes as the room spun around him.  


“I think you should take your own advice,” Eileen said, putting her arm around Sam’s waist and smiling up at Dean. “Glad you’re ok,” she signed. “Thank you for sending us home first.”  


“Someone has to take care of you kids,” Dean said and his voice sounded very far away.  


“Dean?” he could hear the worry in Cas’ voice as the weapons bags clattered to the ground and then Cas was scooping him up like he was some damsel in distress.  


But he was too tired to fight it. So he leaned his head against Cas’ shoulder and let himself go.  


He woke up later in the Men of Letters infirmary, hooked up to a transfusion bag and covered by several blankets. He felt warm. He felt stronger.  


But what had woken him up?  


He got his answer when he heard a shuddering intake of breath and glanced over to his left. Cas was sitting on the chair next to him, his face illuminated in the dim room by the light of his phone. He was staring down at it, tears streaking down his face, his jaw set in a tight line.  


“Cas?” Dean said softly. “Gimme your phone.”  


Cas gave a tiny shake of his head and Dean held out his hand. “C’mon, Cas,” he said gently. “This isn’t doing you any good.”  


“How did you know?” Cas asked, handing it over.  


“Jodi,” Dean said. “And I remember him taking some of them.” Doing his best to look without seeing, Dean went and deleted all the pictures of him being tortured that Nevan had sent to Cas. When he was done he picked up his own phone, laying fully charged next to him, and did the same. Then, grunting with effort, Dean sat up and turned his body on the bed. He reached for Cas and instantly the angel was there, pulling him into his arms. They held each other for a long time, not speaking, not moving, until Dean pulled back with a grimace. “I stink,” he said as lightly as he could. Cas’ expression was horribly downcast and he hated it. “I need a shower.”  


Cas didn’t respond, just stroked his hands up and down Dean’s back without looking at him.  


“Cas,” Dean said, reaching out and putting his fingers under Cas’ chin, gently tilting it up. “Are you going to talk to me?”  


Cas closed his eyes, swallowing hard. Dean didn’t speak, just waited. When Cas finally spoke it was so quiet that Dean almost missed it.  


“Even the inarguably good things that I have done put people I love in danger.”  


Dean pulled him in for a hug, hating the little catch in Cas’ voice. “This wasn’t your fault,” he said and knew right away it was the wrong thing to say when Cas stiffened and pulled back. His eyes were red and puffy and his hands shook in fists at his sides.  


“This was _explicitly_ my fault, Dean!” he growled, shaking his head. “I angered this man many years ago and he used you to hurt me.”  


“Because he was a crazy person!” Dean said. “That’s not on you, Cas!”  


“I should have killed him when I saved Mhaire,” Cas said, not looking at him. “I wanted to, but she wouldn’t let me. She was very kind.” He took several breaths, obviously trying to calm himself. “You would be better off-”  


“If you say without you, I swear-” Dean growled. “I had a dream while I was down there, Cas. Nevan put some kind of whammy on me and I-I saw a whole different version of my life. And guess what?” He reached up and pulled Cas down for a fierce kiss. “You were as much as part of that one as this one.”  


He relayed his dream to Cas, holding the angel against him the whole time, and they were both teary when he was done.  


“I need you to understand,” Dean somehow managed to say. “In my brain, even when I’m not a hunter anymore, not the Michael vessel anymore, not all the _bullshit_ that I’ve been over the course of my life…” He leaned his forehead against Cas’. “It’s still you and me, Cas.”  


Cas took a shuddering breath. “Dean-”  


“If you apologize, I swear I will never touch your cock again.”  


That startled a laugh out of him and Dean was pleased to see that some of the awful tension had gone out of Cas’ shoulders when their eyes locked again. “You and I both know that is a promise you cannot keep,” Cas replied. His expression was a little uncertain, but there was at least something that resembled a smile on his face.  


“Try me,” Dean retorted.  


“Is that an offer?” Cas said back, then blushed to his ears and Dean laughed and pulled him in for a kiss. Cas eased him back down onto the infirmary bed, not letting him up until the last transfusion was done. Then he carefully unhooked him and helped him stand.  


“Shower,” Dean said, but Cas shook his head.  


“You will faint in the shower,” Cas replied.  


“Good thing you’re gonna be there with me,” Dean said, pressing his body against Cas’.  


Cas smiled, his arms very tight around a Dean’s body. “I am?”  


“Please?” Dean asked in what he thought was a credible imitation of the breathy whisper that Cas liked to use on him in bed. It seemed to work, because the angel growled and gave Dean a searing kiss before leading him off to the showers. There they undressed each other and Dean found himself frowning. “Your wounds haven’t healed,” Dean whispered, his eyes taking in the marks from the angel blade when Cas peeled off the bandages.  


Cas shrugged. “Simple triage. I used a great deal of energy getting us home and then healing Sam,” he said. “And once you arrived, speeding the healing of your injuries as well. My wounds were not a priority.”  


“Well, they are to me,” Dean said. “Promise me you’re gonna turn that energy inward now, Cas.”  


Cas’ smile was a fond one. “I promise, Dean,” he said. “They will be healed by morning.”  


“Fine,” Dean grumbled, pulling Cas in for a kiss. They spent a slow, sweet half hour or so showering, luxuriating in the feeling of having each other safe and mostly whole once again. They were both hard, but neither of them did anything about it, opting instead for slow kisses as they washed each other. Dean let out a dissatisfied grumble when Cas turned off the water and grabbed a towel. “Bed,” Cas said, wrapping Dean up like a burrito. “You’re starting to sway.”  


Dean muttered something under his breath about bossy angels and abruptly he felt Cas’ body against his back. “I was under the impression that you liked it when I was ‘bossy’,” Cas said in a low voice that put the hairs up on Dean’s arms.  


Dean’s breath caught and all he could do was nod as Cas pressed his lips to the skin just behind Dean’s ear. “Then we are going back to your room and getting in bed, or so help me Dean Winchester, I will _make_ you.”  


Dean moaned, he couldn’t help it, and the angel had the audacity to laugh before wrapping Dean’s robe around his shoulders and leading him back to his room. Cas was about to nudge him towards his bed, when Dean held up his hand and grabbed his first aid kit.  


“Dean, that’s hardly-”  


“You said that it’ll heal by tomorrow,” Dean said, hoping his matter-of-fact tone hid the way his voice quavered as he bandaged Cas’ ugly wounds. He could hear each of them landing, see the way Cas’ body jerked and his eyes squeezed shut. All it would have taken was Nevan just being a little angrier, or a little smarter, and he’d be giving Cas a hunter’s funeral instead of just patching him up. He cleared his throat. “We just bought new sheets, Cas.” The joke felt lame, but Cas still gave him an understanding smile as he subsided and let Dean work, though he insisted upon returning the favor when Dean was done.  


Finally Dean closed the box and set it on the nightstand, letting out a soft moan when Cas kissed the back of his neck. He turned into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Cas’ neck and letting the angel lay him down on the bed so that they were facing each other.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered. “I know that I’m not supposed to say that I am sorry, but I _am_. I am sorry that my choices centuries ago put you and Sam in such danger.” He nuzzled into Dean’s neck. “I would much rather him have taken me,” he said softly and Dean’s heart broke.  


“Well _I_ wouldn’t,” Dean growled. “And neither would Sammy. There’s no telling what that psycho would have done to you if he’d gotten you earlier.”  


“I would have taken it,” Cas said in a ragged whisper. “I would have taken all of it, Dean, if it meant that you did not come home with still more scars.”  


“What’s a few scars between friends?” Dean joked weakly because he couldn’t handle the anguish in Cas’ voice.  


Cas sniffled and there was a pause. “Just friends?” he asked, pressing his lips to where Dean’s pulse had begun to speed up.  


Dean laughed, stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. 

"Dean?" 

"Mmm?" 

Cas looked up. “Thank you for...for your dream. Even if it was brought on by a 'whammy'. That I was still so much a part of your life, even without hunters or angels or-”  


“Cas,” Dean interrupted. “A few weeks ago you…” he blushed. “The night I had that nightmare...you told me that my love was as much a part of you as your Grace.” He hugged Cas around the waist, stroking his back gently. “But I...I don’t think you fucking get that you are _just_ as big a part of me. Even if I can imagine myself as anything but a Hunter...I can’t imagine my life without you.”  


“Dean,” Cas breathed.  


Dean applied gentle pressure to his shoulders, pushing him backwards. He rolled on top of his angel, careful of Cas’ wounds, and kissed his neck. “Thank you for saving us,” he breathed into Cas’ ear. He let out a laugh that was a little ragged. “Thank you for saving me, in one way or another, in every version of reality that exists in my head.” He sucked hard at the skin of Cas’ throat, loving how Cas’ hands tightened on his back. “ _My_ guardian angel,” he growled, ghosting his lips over the bandage at Cas’ shoulder. He hated that it was there. Hated that Cas was hurt, but loved him so much for every blow that he’d ever taken for him.  


“Yours, Dean,” Cas breathed and something in Dean cracked open just a little further and he was kissing Cas as hard as he could, his knees on either side of Cas’ hips.  


They lay that way for a long time before Dean leaned in and nipped Cas’ ear. “Do you trust me?” he asked, trying to quiet the butterflies in his belly.  


Cas was a part of all of his realities, of that he was certain.  


And he was in love with Cas in all of them.  


“Can there be any question?” Cas said with a soft chuckle.  


Dean began to kiss down Cas’ body, reaching out with one hand to twine his fingers through Cas’ as he paused at the angel’s nipples, licking and sucking gently.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned quietly, his hand going to the back of Dean’s head. He arched into Dean’s touch, his body shuddering as Dean caught first one nipple, then the other, between his teeth. He stayed there, licking and sucking as he felt Cas’s body go tense beneath him. Then, he began to kiss down Cas’ belly. He was slow, doing his best to channel the angel’s patience as he slid down further and further. He stroked his hands over Cas’ skin, following them with his lips and teeth, until he was kneeling between Cas’ legs.  


He sat on his knees, stroking his hands up and down Cas’ thighs. “Cas, I want to touch you,” he said softly. “I...I want to-” he let out an awkward laugh, “I want to do _more_ than touch you.”  


“I’m yours, Dean,” Cas said breathlessly. “Whatever you want to do...I’m yours.”  


Dean leaned down and kissed Cas’ hip, slowly trailing tiny kisses closer and closer to center.  


“Still good?” he breathed, knowing that his breath was warm and wet against Cas’ cock.  


“Dean!” Cas whispered. “Yes! Please don’t stop!”  


Dean smiled and started at Cas’ other hip, doing the same thing. By the time he had reached the center and Cas’ dripping cock, Cas’ hips were moving beneath him. “Please touch me!” Cas whispered. “Please take me in your hands, Dean!”  


“No,” Dean whispered. “Not today, Cas.” Then, he took a deep breath to steady himself, leaned down, and licked Cas’ cock from his balls to the tip.  


Cas cried out, a deep, desperate sound, his hands instantly tightening in Dean’s hair. “Dean!”  


Dean flicked his tongue against Cas’ balls, sucking first one, then the other into his mouth as he wrapped his hand around Cas’ cock. Cas was dripping into his hand, his hips moving in rapid, needy thrusts and Dean waited until Cas looked down and then ran his tongue back up from Cas’ balls to the head of his cock.  


Cas moaned, his back arching off of the bed as his hands tightened in Dean’s hair hard enough to hurt.  


_Fuck it felt so good._  


Dean leaned in and gently sucked on the head of Cas’ cock, listening to Cas’ sharp intake of breath. Cas’ eyes were locked on his as he tenderly ran his hands through Dean’s hair.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered wonderingly.  


Dean pulled back a little, letting Cas slip from his mouth. The angel groaned and Dean couldn’t help but shoot him a little smile. “Are you ok?” he asked, stroking his thumbs over Cas’ hips.  


Cas let out a breathless little laugh. “Mostly,” he said. “I feel extremely aware of my body.”  


“Oh yeah?” Dean said, kissing the tip of Cas’ cock and feeling the wetness coat his lips. “Is that a good thing?” he asked, flicking his tongue against where Cas’ head met the shaft of his cock.  


Cas whimpered, but there was a radiant smile on his face. “My...my context is limited,” he panted. “But I believe so.”  


Dean grinned up at him before sucking the tip of Cas’ cock back into his mouth.  


Cas cried out, his hands tightening in Dean’s hair as his back arched. “Dean!”  


Dean wrapped his hand around the lower half of Cas’ cock and then, before he could second-guess himself, he began to work his mouth down Cas’ length.  


_You are sucking another man’s cock you fuckin-_  


_I am sucking **Cas** , because he is **Cas** , and I fucking **love** him._  


It tasted salty, and musky, just like Cas’ cum had been on his lips. But there was also Cas’ skin and Cas’ hands in his hair pulling but clearly trying not to pull. And the _sounds_. Sweet merciful fuck, he was pretty sure that the memory of the sounds Cas was making alone would be enough to get him hard for the rest of his life.  


“Dean!”  


Dean moaned around Cas’ cock, moving slowly down it, wanting to push himself and see how much he could take. Cas rocked against him with a soft cry, his cock abruptly hitting the back of Dean’s throat. Dean jerked back reflexively, gasping, and heard the consternation in Cas’ voice.  


“Sorry, I’m sorry!” Cas breathed. “I didn’t mean to, I just...Dean...oh _Dean_.”  


Dean shivered, swallowing hard as he pulled back a little and trailed kisses from the tip of Cas’ cock down to the base. Cas rocked against him, moaning, and Dean couldn’t help but flick his tongue against Cas’ head, licking away the wetness.  


_I’m not bad at this,_ he realized as he licked and sucked and teased and worked Cas up, loving how Cas’ hand was tight in his hair. The realization felt...weird, and he did his best to push it from his mind. He could think about the implications later. Now he just wanted to make Cas feel good.  


He reached out and took one of Cas’ hands, then began to ease his way down around Cas’ cock, determined to take as much as he could into his mouth. He pushed further and further, squeezing Cas’ hand and listening to the desperate, needy sounds that Cas was making. He realized that his own hips were rocking into the bed, his cock aching for friction, as Cas’ cock slid further into his mouth. 

Finally he felt Cas’ head brush against his throat and he stilled, trying to breathe through his nose. Cas was moaning beneath him, whimpering.  


And then some puckish instinct within Dean encouraged him to swallow.  


And Cas hadn’t cum, Dean knew he hadn’t, but he also knew that he would never tire of hearing that ragged, broken sound as Cas thrashed and yanked on his hair and begged him for a release.  


But Dean pulled back and kissed the head of Cas’ cock, flicking his tongue against it before sucking just Cas’ head into his mouth. Cas shuddered, moaning so fucking _good_ and Dean pulled back, breathing hard. “Yours, Cas,” he managed to say.  


“Dean....” Cas whimpered. “Dean, you don’t, you don’t have to do this to show me or to-to thank me for coming for you. I always will.”  


“Hell yeah you will,” Dean said, giving him his best sassy smile and loving how free Cas’ laugh was.  


“That isn’t what I mean, and you know it,” Cas said, shuddering as Dean licked where his head and shaft met. “Dean, stop for a moment, please?”  


Dean froze immediately, looking up and meeting Cas’ gorgeous eyes as the angel watched him. “I need you to be sure,” Cas said. “I do not want you to do this and then wake up tomorrow hating yourself for being somehow less of a man.”  


Cas’ words hit him hard and Dean felt tears prickling behind his eyes. Even after more than a decade, Cas still found ways to surprise him with his insight.  


Cas caressed his cheek. “You can stop,” he said gently. “You have already given me a precious gift. You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.”  


“Thank you,” Dean somehow managed to whisper. He kissed the back of Cas’ knuckles. “I won’t pretend I’m not...nervous,” he said. “But I...if you’re good, I’d like to try.”  


Cas’ chest was rising and falling so fast, and it was so sweet, and Dean’s heart was pounding, though if it was from nerves or excitement, he couldn’t rightly say.  


“I really am yours, Dean,” Cas whispered. His lips quirked into an adorable little smile. “I’m good.”  


“Likewise,” Dean replied raggedly before he took a deep breath and sucked Cas slow, going as deep as he possibly could.  


Cas was bucking beneath him, so wet and hot and needy and _perfect_ and Dean was dripping as he slowly began to work up and down with purpose, doing his best to replicate the rhythm that Cas was capable of when he was trying to drive Dean crazy. Cas’ body was rigid beneath him, and Dean moaned around him. Cas arched beneath his mouth, shoving his cock deeper, but Dean was marginally prepared now and moved with him, before grabbing Cas by the hips and pinning him to the bed.  


Cas _moaned_ , writhing beneath him, and Dean slurped and sucked up and down his cock, aware that he was drooling around Cas.  


“Dean!” Cas gasped and Dean looked up and saw the telltale tension in Cas’ belly and realized that his angel was close.  


He let Cas slip from his lips and looked up, meeting Cas’ eyes. “Cum for me, Cas,” he growled.  


Cas whimpered, nodding his head hard. “Dean!” he moaned. “Dean, oh Dean, please, please, please-”  


Dean sucked Cas hard, hard enough to gag himself, then pulled up and sucked along the top half of Cas’ cock as hard and fast as he could. He felt his angel’s body get more and more rigid and then Cas was tugging on his hair. “Dean! Dean I’m going to-”  


And he knew that Cas was giving him an out, but mama didn’t raise no quitter, so Dean growled and shoved his mouth down as far as he could take and felt Cas’ cum hit the back of his throat as the angel screamed and bucked above him, his hands tight in Dean’s hair as his heels drummed against Dean’s back. Dean found himself abruptly paralyzed by the sensation of Cas' cum hitting the back of his throat. He resisted the urge to gag, to jerk back and fucking run, because he’d _told_ Cas that he was ok and Cas was lying there totally lost in the aftershocks of his orgasm, tears streaking down his face. His thrashing slowly subsided as his screams turned to quiet gasps and whimpers, and he let out a little shuddering cry as Dean let him slide from his mouth.  


"Thank you," Cas breathed. 

Dean wanted to respond, but as he tried to swallow he found that he just...couldn't. He kept trying, but each time his throat rebelled. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. 

_After all of that, you can't fucking swallow? Come on!"_

“Dean?” Cas asked, sounding so uncertain. He shifted in the bed, propping himself up on his elbows. His gorgeous eyes were wide with concern as he reached for Dean.  


Dean felt rising panic and sat up abruptly, groping next to the bed for his towel. He buried his face in it so he wouldn’t have to look at Cas as he spat Cas’ cum into the fabric, still damp from their shower. The intimacy had felt so easy there. Why was he freaking out all of a sudden?  


_I just sucked off another man._  


_And I wasn’t even man enough to do it right._  


_Fuck, I am a mess._  


“Dean,” Cas murmured softly. “Can I hold you?”  


Dean slid up his body wordlessly, his insides crawling with shame. He had wanted to give Cas so much _more_.  


“What’s wrong?” Cas asked, kissing his hair. He sounded sleepy and happy, so that was something at least.  


“I’m sorry I couldn’t...that I didn’t….fuck,” Dean whispered. “I wanted to, Cas.”  


“Wanted to what?” Cas just sounded confused and Dean realized that his angel probably didn’t _know_ what the fuck Dean was getting worked up about. Normal day-to-day human customs still baffled him, why would he know anything about...this? “You just...you took me into your mouth, Dean and you...you brought me to….you made me…” He let out an adorable, flustered laugh. “I can’t even _speak_. What more could I want?”  


Dean blushed deeply and buried his face in Cas’ neck. They lay like that for some time before Cas gently tugged on Dean’s hair, catching him off-guard. “There is something I am not understanding,” Cas said. “I know that there is. Why are you suddenly...tense?”  


“I didn’t swallow,” Dean blurted out, still refusing to look at Cas.  


Cas’ hand slid under his chin and tilted it up. “I don’t understand,” Cas said. “Is that...is that an important component? Does it change how it feels?”  


“I...no,” Dean admitted. “I mean, it can be. Important, I mean...Some people feel if you don’t, then you...you...I don’t know.”  


Cas was still frowning. “When women performed oral sex on you,” he said, “did it upset you if they did not swallow?”  


Dean jerked back, staring at Cas. “What?” He felt his cheeks burning at the question. “No, of course not! A girl goes down on you and you want to bitch because she didn't swallow? I hate dudes that get pissy about that!”  


Cas stared at him for a long moment. “Then why do you want me to be one of them?”  


“I don’t!” _Fuck me I am a mess._ “I just...I don't want to let you down," he said in a rush. "I don't want to make you feel like you did in the store, Cas!" 

And there it was. Shit, there it was. That was the catch-22. Because he felt weird about swallowing, but he felt like he was denying Cas...something, by not. 

_What the fuck is the matter with me? Why can't I just be happy?_

“Dean,” Cas said. He paused, his eyes intense as they met Dean’s. Then the corner of his lips quirked up in a tender smile. “I think this is how you must feel often when you are dealing with me.”  


“What do you mean?” Dean asked.  


“Fond exasperation,” Cas said, caressing Dean’s cheek and then giving him a gentle kiss. “If you would not care with your previous partners, why would I?”  


Dean blushed. He didn’t have an answer.  


“Please don’t feel badly about it,” Cas said gently. “This is _not_ the store. What you did for me was perfect, Dean.” He flushed. “I am grateful to have experienced it.”  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said gruffly, feeling some of his anxiety abate. “Sorry, I...I didn’t mean to make it weird.”  


Cas kissed him again. “It’s all right,” he said, tugging Dean against him. “I have been known to make things weird on occasion.”  


Dean hugged him around the waist, finally smiling.  


“I love you, Dean,” Cas said. His hand was stroking up and down Dean’s back and Dean sighed at the tender caress. “That was incredible.”  


“I’m glad I didn’t suck,” Dean said wryly.  


“I thought that was a lot of sucking,” Cas said and Dean snorted. He saw Cas grinning and knew the angel was pleased with himself for his joke. “Granted,” Cas said, growing serious. “My experience is limited but I-I can hardly believe you have never done that before.”  


_Naturally inclined towards being a cocksucker_ , said the nasty voice in his head. Dean flinched without meaning to and saw the consternation on Cas’ face.  


“I said something wrong,” Cas said. “I only mean that you made me feel very good, Dean. It was not a comment on you beyond that.” Cas stroked his fingers through Dean’s hair and Dean knew that his angel was trying to soothe him.  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, tilting his face up and kissing Cas’ jaw. “I think it is just going to take me a minute to wrap my head around doing that.” He propped himself up on his elbow so that he could look into Cas’ eyes.  


“You don’t have to do it again,” Cas said immediately and Dean‘a heart clenched at the earnest look Cas gave him. “I...I hope that you did not feel like you had to do it tonight-”  


“I didn't, Cas,” Dean said, shaking his head. It felt good to be the one reassuring Cas finally. “I wanted to do it. I-I _liked_ doing it,” he said after a moment. “I _loved_ what it did for you. I just...feel weird.”  


“I will not say that I understand,” Cas said quietly. “Because I don’t think that I do, exactly. But I can promise you that if you never wanted to do it again, it would change nothing between us. I want you to feel comfortable, Dean. That’s all that matters to me.” His full lips curled into a smile that was equal parts adorable and hot. “Though I do hope you will consider letting me return the favor.”  


Dean’s breath caught in his throat at the thought and he leaned down to kiss Cas hard on the lips. “Yeah,” he whispered, his cheeks warm. “And I don’t think I’m swearing off forever, or anything. I just need to…”  


“Process it?” Cas asked.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, nodding. “That.”  


“As long as you promise not to run in order to process," Cas said, giving him a look. "Take as long as you need.” Cas pulled Dean in for another kiss, and this one was long and deep, with Cas’ arms tight around him and Dean’s hands wound tightly into Cas’ hair.  


“Not going anywhere,” Dean said against his lips. “And...thanks, Cas. There’s no way I could have done that with anyone else.”  


“I am honored,” Cas said, giving him a sweet smile. “Thank you for your trust, Dean.”  


Dean nodded and lost himself in the way Cas’ arms felt around him, the way his angel’s lips felt against his own, and how good it felt to have Cas’ body pressed against him. Things were heating up again when there was a sudden knock at the door.  


“Boys?” Jodi called. “I’m not gonna open this door, but Sam asked me to tell you dinner’s here.”  


“Thank you, Jodi,” Cas replied. “We will be right there.”  


Dean rolled off the bed and reached for Cas, pulling him to his feet and into a brief kiss.  


“Are you sure that you’re all right?” Cas asked as they dressed.  


“I’ll get there,” Dean said, taking Cas’ hand once they were ready. “It’s you and me, Cas.”  


Cas’ thumb stroked over the back of Dean’s hand. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took me a few days longer than usual, friends. We had literally a third of our staff out at work this week (and there were only 18 of us to begin with), so it has been an exhausting week. I was actually supposed to be off all week, but was called in because of how short-staffed we were. 
> 
> Anyway, enough about my life. I'm still really enjoying writing this and I hope you are all enjoying reading still. Hopefully everything in this chapter still feels true to character. I think I've agonized over this one the most of any of the ones I posted so far!


	10. “What would be the point of living if we didn’t let life change us?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life in the Bunker begins to return to normal. Dean has another dream inspired by the witch's spell, which leads to a conversation with Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING: Referenced past child abuse and emotional Abuse. Internalized homophobia**  
> 
> 
> Apart from Dean's dream, this chapter is basically all fluff.
> 
> Chapter title is a quote from Carson on Downton Abbey. Why will be clear towards the end of the chapter. :)

Dean stirred the sausage gravy, inhaling deeply as the familiar scent filled the air. It was early. Earlier than he preferred to be up generally, but Jody was an early riser and he wanted to make sure that she had something good in her belly before she started her twelve-hour drive. He'd woken up with more energy than usual as well, which he suspected he owed to Cas directing some more healing energy his way. But he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. So he and Cas had cuddled while he had browsed recipes online for over an hour, trying to find something that seemed like it’d be close to Bobby’s. He’d finally settled on one that was at the end of a rambling blog post about college hangover food, mostly because it used the same kind of spicy breakfast sausage that Bobby always used.  


The biscuits were a little trickier. He’d tried for years to get the recipe for Grandma Singer’s Mile High Biscuits, but Bobby had never written it down. Apparently the recipe was an oral tradition in the Singer family.  


But Dean had watched Bobby make them, even had been allowed to grate the frozen butter to put in. So once he’d found a recipe that seemed like it could work, he had decided to go with it. He’d put the butter in the freezer the night before and it was nice and solid now. He mixed up his dry ingredients and was about to grate the butter when Cas stepped into the kitchen.  


“It’s early,” Cas said, coming over and kissing his cheek. “That smells good.”  


“Jody’ll want to hit the road early,” Dean said. He picked up a spoon and dipped it into his gravy, holding it out to Cas with his hand cupped under it. “It’s missing something,” he said.  


Cas accepted the spoon and tasted, frowning. “Salt,” he said. “And a little more heat. If you are trying to make Bobby’s gravy. And…” he smacked his lips. “Bobby always put in something else. An herb, I think. Maybe rosemary?”  


Dean blinked and brought the spoon to his own lips. Then he found the rosemary powder and put a tiny bit into the gently bubbling gravy. He gave it a good stir and then tried it.  


Instantly he was back in Bobby’s kitchen, quietly grating the butter while Bobby stirred the gravy.  


“Dean?”  


He glanced over at Cas, realizing that there were tears in his eyes. He pulled Cas in for a kiss, leaning his forehead against the angel’s for a second. “That was it,” he said a little gruffly. “Thanks, Cas.”  


Cas grinned at him, the tops of his cheeks coloring slightly. “Can I help?”  


Dean nodded his chin towards the fridge. “Can you grab the butter from the freezer and grate it with the box grater for me?”  


Cas nodded and did as he asked, the two of them fell into quiet rhythm together. Cas was meticulous with the butter, and once he was done with the stick Dean had him tip the butter into the bowl. Then he had Cas measure out the buttermilk and the other wet ingredients while he carefully mixed the butter in with the dry. “Can I knead it?” Cas asked when it was time to combine everything together. “I find the sensation very...satisfying.”  


Dean chuckled and motioned for him to go ahead. He watched the angel as he carefully kneaded the dough, unable to keep from smiling. He went and stood behind Cas with his arms around the angel’s waist and his chin resting on Cas’ shoulder, just watching.  


Cas let out a happy little sound and leaned his head against Dean’s as he worked. They stood that way until the dough came together, and then Dean popped it into the fridge for a few minutes before rolling it out and cutting the biscuits. He put them in the oven and turned around to find Cas in his space, watching him with a peculiar smile on his face.  


“What’s up?” Dean asked.  


Cas stepped closer, reaching down and wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist. His hands were splayed across Dean’s lower back and he pulled Dean flush against him and rubbed their noses together. “I find it...soothing to watch you cook,” he said quietly. “There is something very comforting about the smells and the sounds.”  


Dean hugged him back, smiling. “That’s awfully human of you, Cas,” he teased gently.  


Cas’ answering chuff of laughter was warm on Dean’s lips and Dean couldn’t help but smile as they kissed softly. Cas’ lips parted under his and Dean flicked his tongue against them briefly before giving Cas a playful nudge backwards. “No making out in front of the food,” he said with mock sternness. “It’s not sanitary.”  


Cas smiled and gave him a chaste kiss on the cheek before crossing to the coffeepot and getting coffee going. Now it was Dean’s turn to watch, and he did with a smile on his face as his angel carefully went through the steps they had gone over again and again. The man could actually make a decent cup of coffee now, which was miles from where he had started.  


“I like watching you too,” Dean said.  


Cas glanced at him over his shoulder with a smile that could only be described as flirty.  


Dean was about to comment on it when the timer beeped. He checked the biscuits, determined they needed a few more minutes, and then went to check on the gravy. It looked and smelled perfect and he was about to send Cas to go and get Jody when he heard the sound of her boots in the hallway.  


“Morning, boys,” she said, plopping her overnight bag onto the floor. “Anything I can help with?”  


“You can sit,” Dean said. “Food’s about done.”  


“Coffee?” Cas asked, holding up the pot. “It is much better than the first time I made it for you, I promise.”  


Jody grinned at him. “How you managed to put a hole through that pot I will never know,” she said. “I’ll trust you. Cream and a little sugar, thanks.”  


Cas smiled a little sheepishly. By the time he had prepared Jody’s cup, Dean had the biscuits out and onto plates. He cracked each of them open, inwardly congratulating himself on how high they had risen and how flaky they were before ladeling a generous scoop of sausage gravy over them. The three of them sat down at the table and Dean couldn’t help but surreptitiously watch Jody take her first bite. She closed her eyes, shaking her head.  


“Well damn, Dean Winchester,” Jody said. “Whoda thunk that you’d make such a fine plate of biscuits and gravy?”  


“You like it?” Dean asked and then blushed because he sounded like a five-year-old asking his mom if his drawing was going up on the fridge.  


“Yeah,” Jody said. “You did good, Dean. The only time I’ve had better was when…” she hesitated and there was suddenly a wistful smile on her face. “When Sean and I took Owen down to Louisiana on vacation.”  


Dean’s heart sank. “Jody-”  


“It’s all right,” she said, reaching out and giving his hand a squeeze. “It’s a good memory. And I hadn’t thought of it in a long time. Now let’s eat. Wouldn’t want all that hard work to go to waste.”  


The three of them fell into companionable silence as they tucked into their meal and Dean had to admit, he had done a pretty decent job. The biscuits needed a little more salt and the gravy wasn’t quite Bobby’s, but damn if it wasn’t good.  


Jody waved him off for seconds, though she did let Cas make her another cup of coffee, which seemed to please the angel a great deal.  


“You two seem happy,” Jodi said as they all settled back with full bellies and full cups of coffee.  


Dean glanced over at Cas and caught him watching him with the most ridiculously sappy expression on his face. He blushed, but grinned back at Cas before glancing over at Jody. “I guess you could say that,” he said as Cas reached over and took his hand.  


“I’m glad,” Jody said. “Don’t take it for granted, boys.”  


Dean squeezed Cas’ hand and shook his head, his stomach clenching at the thought of how close this last time had been. “No,” he said, his voice a little rough.  


Jody nodded and glanced at her watch. She took a big sip of coffee before standing. “I had better get going,” she said. “I have a long drive ahead.” She came around the table and caught Dean in a tight hug, giving Cas one as well. Dean was quick to pick up her bag, though she rolled her eyes at him, and he and Cas walked her out to her car. There was another round of hugs before she hopped into the SUV and drove off.  


Hand in hand, Dean and Cas went back downstairs to see a tousled looking Sam and Eileen padding towards the kitchen. Sam had his arm protectively around Eileen, and Dean was gratified to see that his color was back to normal.  


“We miss Jody?” Sam asked, sounding disappointed.  


“Just,” Dean said. “You two hungry?”  


“Starving,” Eileen signed, glancing up at Sam.  


Sam blushed and nodded, then froze as they got to the kitchen door. “Is that...is that Bobby’s gravy and Grandma Singer’s Mile High Biscuits?” Sam asked.  


“Sure is, Sammy,” Dean said. He fixed plates for both Sam and Eileen and he and Cas sat back down with them, nursing their cups of coffee.  


Eileen devoured her plate with a speed that made Dean feel kind of proud and he waved her to go ahead when she asked if he minded if she took seconds. Sam was watching her fondly as he ate a more moderate pace, and while he didn’t take more gravy, he did take a second biscuit and slather it with honey.  


“That tasted just like Bobby’s, Dean,” Sam said, smiling over at him.  


“Shaddup,” Dean said, blushing. “It’s not quite right yet. But at least I don’t think he’d be ashamed of me.”  


“That blows any other biscuits and gravy I’ve ever had out of the water,” Eileen said, signing along for emphasis. “Thank you.”  


“And thanks for the coffee, Cas,” Sam said. “No grounds at all this time.”  


Cas blushed. “I also assisted with biscuit making,” he said.  


“You two did great,” Eileen signed. “Let us get dinner?”  


Dean nodded.  


“We have some cod in the freezer,” Sam mused. “I could do fish tacos. We’ve been eating a little heavy lately.”  


_We’re sitting here talking about having fish tacos for dinner like we are some suburban family just...going about their day,_ Dean thought and felt warmth spreading through his chest. 

“Sounds good,” he said out loud, not wanting to spoil the moment. “What are you two up to today?” he asked.  


“Not working,” Eileen signed with a pointed look at Sam.  


Sam held up his hands, shaking his head. “Not working,” he agreed. “You know...it just occurred to me, we don’t have any board games here. We should get some. Then we can do game night.”  


_Fucking game night. Get a look at the Brady's over here._  


Dean’s throat felt too tight to talk, so he just nodded. Under the table Cas was holding his hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.  


“We could do movies,” Eileen signed.  


“You know, ever since you guys came back from Chicago I’ve been thinking it’d be fun to watch Jurassic Park,” Sam said. “We haven’t seen that in ages. I’ll never forget the first time we watched it," he said, glancing over at Eileen. "Dad wouldn’t let us go see it theaters, but he got us the VHS for Christmas. Dean would barely look at the screen the dinosaurs freaked him out so bad.” He gave a little laugh. “Props to the FX artists.”  


“I would rather watch something else,” Cas said immediately and Dean could have kissed him right there. “Dean and I watched Jurassic Park recently. What if we did the new ones, with the man and his dinosaur friends?”  


Sam made a face and Dean forced himself to let out a little laugh. “Don’t go all hipster on us, Sammy,” he teased, proud that his voice sounded mostly even.  


“I just think that if they had put half of the attention into the story that they put into the marketing-”  


And so a half hour long debate began about the merits of CGI and practical effects in the Jurassic Park franchise. Dean used the opportunity to clean up breakfast before sitting back down at the table in time to see Eileen sign: “Either way, I wish I had a dinosaur.”  


Sam snorted and kissed her on the hair and she leaned into him with a smile that was contagious.  


“Fine,” Sam said. “Not Jurassic Park. What if we watched a show?”  


“We could watch Downton Abbey,” Cas said and Dean felt a blush creeping up his neck and onto his face. _I knew that I shouldn’t have gotten him into that._  


Sam slowly turned to look at Dean, a huge grin breaking out on his face. “Downton Abbey?” he said.  


“Is that the one with Dame Maggie Smith?” Eileen asked. “The British Period Drama?”  


“It is one of Dean’s favorites.” Cas said, apparently not realizing that Dean squeezing his hand under the table was meant not as a loving gesture but as “please for the love of all that is holy stop talking”.  


Sam pursed his lips together, his eyebrows almost lost in his hair as he very obviously attempted not to laugh.  


“It’s beautifully filmed!” Dean said defensively. “With very compelling characters.”  


“Dean’s favorite is the Dowager,” Cas added. “Though he says that doesn’t count because she’s everyone’s favorite. He also likes the Housekeeper, Mrs. Hughes. He appreciates her practicality and kindness.”  


“Who is your favorite, Castiel?” Eileen signed, her eyes bright with mischief.  


Cas frowned. “Dean says that I remind him of Daisy,” he said after a moment. “Which I suppose I don’t mind. She is very kind.”  


“Now we _have_ to watch it,” Eileen signed, grinning at Sam.  


Sam sighed. “Downton it is,” he said. “Why don’t the two of us go out and get some snacks, and ingredients for the tacos. Meet back up in a few hours?”  


“Sounds like a plan,” Dean said. He and Cas rose, leaving Sam and Eileen to chat over their coffee, and made their way back to Dean’s room. Once they were inside, Dean pushed Cas up against the door, kissing him deeply. “You just _had_ to tell Sammy about Downton,” he growled against his angel’s lips.  


Cas’ eyes widened as he looked up at Dean. “Was that a secret?” he asked. “You have that shirt with ‘What is a Weekend?’ on it. I just assumed they knew.”  


Dean blushed, shaking his head. He was smiling a big stupid smile as he kissed Cas again. “Sam always assumed it was a joke about our jobs,” he said, sliding his hands under the bottom hem of Cas’ tshirt and stroking them up and down Cas’ sides. “You kinda let the cat out of the bag.”  


Cas hissed at the contact, arching his back, his full lips parted against Dean’s. “I apologize,” he said. He slid his hands down Dean’s chest and stomach, then lower, brushing his palm over where Dean was already hard. “Perhaps I can find some way to make amends.” He squeezed gently and Dean grunted at the touch and yanked him in for a deep kiss. Cas’ lips parted beneath his own and soon they were kissing frantically, stumbling around as they tried to undress each other. Cas shoved Dean up against the wall once they were both naked and pressed his body against him, his lips making a blazing trail along Dean’s neck.  


“I apologize for telling your brother that you love soothing British Television,” Cas said, his breath warm and wet against Dean’s ear. He began to kiss down Dean’s body, nipping at his collarbone and then sucking hard enough to leave a mark.  


Dean moaned, arching into Cas as he did it again. He had come to realize that Cas really, really enjoyed giving Dean hickies...almost as much as he liked it when Dean did it to him. He knew that it was because Cas loved things that marked them as bound to each other, and he’d have been lying if he said he didn’t love it for the same reasons. “Yours, Cas,” he breathed as Cas continued to work his way down.  


Cas looked up at him, a slightly feral smile on his face. “Yes,” he said simply and Dean felt the intensity of his expression go straight to his cock. “Mine.” He licked Dean’s chest and down over his belly, only stopping once he was kneeling in front of Dean, his hands stroking up and down Dean’s thighs.  


Dean’s heart was racing as he looked down at his angel, memories from their shower in Chicago flooding his brain as he stroked his hand through Cas’ hair.  


Cas smiled up at him, and it wasn’t entirely his normal adorable smile. There was something hungry in it, an edge that made Dean shiver as Cas began to kiss up his thighs. “Will you let me make amends, Dean?” Cas breathed, his lips moving slightly inward.  


Dean stepped his legs out a little wider, giving Cas access before he even realized what he was doing. “What did you have in mind?” he somehow managed to ask.  


Cas bared his teeth in a feral expression that was about as close to a smile as a pug was to a wolf. “What do you think?”  


A shudder went through Dean’s body and he knew Cas felt it from how his eyes widened. “I think I want to hear you say it,” he breathed, doing his best to smile back.  


Cas was silent for a moment, then leaned in close, his lips centimeters from Dean’s cock as he looked up at him. “Can I take you in my mouth, Dean?” he asked, his breath ghosting over Dean’s achingly hard cock.  


“I’m yours, Cas,” Dean said, because it was true.  


“That wasn’t a yes,” Cas said calmly and Dean knew that if he called a halt right then Cas would back off without another word about it.  


Dean took a deep breath, rested his hand gently on Cas’ head, and nodded. _I can do this._ “Yes, Cas,” he whispered a little raggedly. “Please?”  


He saw a hint of something dangerous flare in Cas’ eyes for just a moment before the tender expression was back.  


_He likes it when I ask,_ Dean realized, goosebumps rising on his arms at the implications.  


_Asking another man to suck you off you fucking-_  


_**NO.** I love him. He wants to do this for me. **I** want him to do this for me._  


_There is nothing wrong with sharing this with him._  


_There is nothing wrong with me._  


He was distracted from his internal battle by the fact that Cas began to kiss along Dean’s length, starting at the top and working his way down. He was slow, he was always slow, but Dean didn’t care. 

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Cas’ full lips as they made their way down his cock and then closed gently around one of his balls.  


He moaned Cas’ name, widening his stance as Cas reached up to stroke his cock with one hand as he sucked each of Dean’s balls in turn. Dean’s heart was beating wildly as Cas began to kiss back up his cock and he heard himself take a shuddering breath as Cas’ lips neared the tip of his cock. He was dripping wet now and he let out a whimper as Cas’ tongue flicked out over the head, lapping away the wetness.  


“Cas!”  


Cas looked up at him, pulling back just a little. “Are you ok?” he asked.  


_More than I would have thought...whatever that means about me._  


Dean nodded, swallowing hard so that he might have some chance of answering out loud. “Yeah,” he got out. “Please, Cas-”  


Cas cocked his head, all wide-eyed innocence that was utter bullshit. “Yes, Dean?”  


Dean gave a gentle tug on the angel’s hair, smiling down at him. “Please don’t stop.”  


Cas’ eyes widened and his lips curled back into that hungry smile that Dean was quickly learning he had absolutely no defense against. “Say it again,” Cas said in a low, unmistakably commanding voice.  


“Please don’t stop, Cas,” Dean said right away and then cried out as Cas rose just slightly and took the tip of Dean’s cock into his mouth. “Cas!”  


_How does he make me this way so quickly?_  


Cas hummed around him happy and then began to work his mouth up and down. His pace was steady, bordering on frustratingly slow, but Dean was in no position to say or do anything about it. Cas was stroking his balls with one hand, while the other wrapped around the base of Dean’s cock, and every few strokes he would pause and just circle his tongue around the head of Dean’s cock. Dean was just starting to get used to the rhythm when Cas let him pop from his mouth and dragged his tongue down Dean’s length. He took hold of Dean with one hand and with the other began to gently rub his palm against the head of Dean’s cock.  


Dean’s body convulsed entirely outside of his control as he cried out and grabbed Cas’ hair. It was so fucking sensitive, and Cas had _that_ smile on his face, and Dean knew that the angel was trying to drive him even crazier.  


Well, it was working.  


“Fuck!” Dean groaned as Cas replaced his palm with his tongue. “Cas, please! I can’t-”  


Anything he might have said was lost in the wail of pleasure that left his lips as Cas took him back into his mouth in one long slurp. Cas grunted around him and Dean shook as he cracked his eyes open and looked down.  


Cas’ gorgeous eyes were fixed on him, wide and hungry as he moved his mouth up and down with his hands on Dean’s hips. He pulled back, letting Dean pop out of his mouth and smiling up at him. His lips were swollen and pink with his exertions, and he kissed the tip of Dean’s cock once. “Can I bring you to...can I make you cum this way, Dean?” Cas asked, wrapping his right hand around Dean’s cock and stroking it slowly as he rubbed Dean’s hip with the thumb of the other hand.  


“You don’t have to,” Dean said right away. “Cas if you don’t want-”  


“Oh...I _want_ ,” Cas growled and Dean nodded, whimpering as the angel took him in his mouth once more.  


Cas’ pace was faster now, more relentless, and Dean alternated between having his eyes clenched shut and his head leaned back against the wall as he struggled to keep his feet and staring down so that he could watch. He had his hand tangled in Cas’ hair and he was trying not to pull, he wanted Cas to go at his own pace, but he couldn’t deny how good it felt when he tugged just a little as Cas moaned around him.  


Soon his body was shaking and the tension in his belly and thighs told him that he was close. Cas was stroking his balls with one hand, the other tightly wrapped around the base of Dean’s cock as he stroked with both his hand and his perfect lips and Dean somehow managed to whimper his name as the wave of pleasure crested. “Cas! I’m going to-you don’t have to-”  


Cas’ eyes shot open and there was wild hunger in them as he smiled up at Dean around his cock and then began to suck hard and fast. He gave a tiny nod and Dean felt the tension in him snap and then he was screaming and bucking wildly against Cas, his hands tight in Cas’ hair as the angel sucked him relentlessly. He could feel his cock jerking as his whole body shook with the intensity of it and then he was laughing a wild, carefree laugh as the aftershocks hit him. He collapsed in half, both of his hands on Cas’ shoulders as he rode it out, listening to Cas’ quiet moans and feeling them through his cock as he came down.  


“Cas!” he panted, squeezing the angel’s shoulder. “Cas-Baby please-no more...there’s nothing left.”  


He felt Cas chuckle and then the angel was pulling back so slowly it almost hurt, letting Dean slip from his mouth inch by inch. When Dean’s cock finally popped free, Cas gave it a little kiss on the tip and looked up at Dean, smiling.  


Then he stuck out his tongue, revealing Dean’s cum. As his glorious eyes blazed, Cas tilted his chin up and swallowed and something in Dean snapped free as he growled and pulled Cas to his feet.  


“ _That_ I learned from porn,” Cas admitted a little breathlessly before Dean kissed him hard. He grinned as he felt Cas’ hands reach down to cup his ass. Together they stumbled over to the bed where Dean dragged Cas down next to himself, their lips still locked together.  


“Cas,” Dean moaned against Cas’ lips as Cas’ hard cock rubbed against his spent one. “Holy hell, Cas!”  


Cas’ lips trailed along Dean’s jaw and out to his ear. “Was that...adequate?”  


Dean snorted and cupped Cas’ cheek, shaking his head. “Adequate? Are you insane?”  


Cas smiled at him and from the way that his eyes crinkled in the corners Dean realized belatedly that he was being teased. “Assbutt,” he growled, pulling Cas in for another kiss. They kissed unhurriedly for some time before Cas pulled back and looked up into Dean’s eyes.  


“Are you...all right?” Cas asked, his hands gently kneading that spot in Dean’s lower back that was always tight.  


Dean arched into his touch as he nodded slowly. “I was a lot less in my head,” he admitted.  


“That was the intention,” Cas said and Dean knew that he wasn’t imagining the note of smugness he heard in Cas’ voice. “In all seriousness though, Dean, I hope that you are feeling less...anxious than you were after you…” he blushed. “After you gave that to me.”  


“I am,” Dean said. “Though maybe it just hasn’t hit yet. You kind of blew my mind there, Cas.”  


Cas smiled an adorable, radiant smile up at him. “Perhaps I should do it again,” he said, brushing one hand over Dean’s cock and making him jerk. “So that you can build a more informed opinion.”  


Dean caught his wrist with a breathless laugh. “I might die,” he said. “C’mere.” He pulled Cas against him so that the angel’s head was resting on his chest. He nuzzled into Cas hair, closing his eyes and inhaling the scent of Cas’ shampoo. “I love you,” he said, pressing his lips to Cas’ hair. “That really was amazing, Cas.”  


Cas’ arm tightened around him. “I’m glad I did not disappoint,” he said and Dean could hear him smiling.  


“You never could,” Dean said. Then, to his horror, he yawned.  


“It appears that you are tired for some reason,” Cas said and he was definitely smiling now. “Perhaps you should nap.”  


Dean chuckled, shaking his head as Cas pulled the blankets up over them. “I got up early to make your ass breakfast,” he grumbled.  


“My ass doesn’t need to eat anymore than the rest of me does,” Cas said and Dean groaned. “It’s still early, Dean. Let’s go back to bed for awhile.”  


Still grumbling, Dean pulled Cas back against him and closed his eyes.  


“Love you,” Cas whispered, snuggling under Dean’s chin.  


“You too,” Dean murmured. _Man, it’s good to be home._

 _Dean was working on the old blue pickup truck that Bobby had promised him when he heard the familiar roar of the Impala. He’d been expecting it ever since Sammy had shown up a couple of weeks ago with his emancipation paperwork. The hearing was coming up and even though John had signed, he had been peppering Sam with visits and phone calls._  


_Dean suspected that his brother had waited until John was drunk one night to get him to sign, though he would keep that bit of knowledge to himself._  


_Dean dropped his wrench and bolted towards the turnaround. “Sammy!”_  


_He sprinted through the rows of cars and skidded around the corner to see John step out of the Impala. He froze at the sight of his father, fear paralyzing him. The memories from his last beating bound him to the ground as surely as any chains._  


_Cas was standing on the front porch of Bobby’s house, his arms crossed over his chest._  


_“You!” John spat, advancing on him. “This all started with you!”_  


_“Leave him alone, Dad!” Sammy said from behind him on the porch. “He didn’t do anything wrong!”_  


_“My boys were **good** boys until you showed up!” John snarled at Cas. “You **changed** them. Sam, it’s time for you to come home!”_  


_“No,” Sam said._  


_John was quicker than he had any right to be, taking the steps two at a time. He stomped over to Cas and Dean felt his heart climb up into his throat. “I am your **father** , Sam, and you will **mind** me!”_  


_“Sammy,” Cas said, his voice shockingly even. “Go inside. Lock the door.” Cas raised his chin, his arms crossed over his chest. Dean knew him well enough to see the tension in his jaw and the set of his shoulders. He was scared, but he clearly was not going to back down._  


_Sam did as he asked immediately and Dean could have groaned. Sam **never** listened to John like that. It was going to **infuriate** their father._  


_And sure enough, John’s hands were clenching and unclenching at his sides. “Sam-”_  


_“No.” There was something almost...alien in Cas’ voice. Something absolute. “Leave him alone.”_  


_“He’s my-_ ”  


_“He’s no longer your responsibility,” Cas said. “You signed that right away.”_  


_Then John was slamming Cas into the door by the lapels and Dean was running because the thought of his father hurting Castiel was about the worst thing that he could imagine. “Dad no!”_  


_“It’s all right, Dean,” Cas said softly. “It’s all right.” His eyes snapped to John. “The **only** reasons I have ever had to fear you are **safe** from your harm, John Winchester.” To Dean’s shock, Cas grabbed John’s wrists, his gorgeous eyes blazing. “There is **nothing** you could do to me that is worse than what I have already endured,” he snarled._  


_**Sweet merciful fuck, there’s so much about his life that I don’t know,** Dean realized as he looked at Cas._  


_John lashed out, viper quick, and struck Cas hard across the face and then Dean was there, grabbing his father and jerking him away from Cas. He slid his hand into Cas’, glaring at John as they stood side by side. John stumbled back, but recovered quickly, his eyes blazing._  


_“Look at yourself, Dean!” John snarled. “Your mother would be devastated.”_  


_The words hit like a punch to a gut and Dean felt Cas’ hand tighten in his. “Just go, Dad,” Dean said, forcing down the tears that threatened. “Just...go.”_  


_John surged forward again and Dean flinched, hating himself for it immediately._  


_And then he heard the sound of a shotgun racking._  


_“Time to go, John,” Bobby said._  


_John whirled around with an angry growl. “Damn it, Bobby-”_  


_“It seems to me that these boys have made up their minds,” Bobby said calmly. “And the law is on their side. “Time for you to go. Mary would hate to see you like this. Her boys scared of ya, you stinking of beer and bottom-shelf whisky. Just, go.”_

“Dean?”  


Dean came awake abruptly, aware that he was sweating and his heart was racing. He let out a long breath and turned to see that Cas was propped up on one elbow, watching him.  


Dean flopped back against the pillows, dragging his hand down his face. “I’m ok,” he said. “I’m ok.”  


Cas reached out and caught his hand, bringing it to his lips. “Nightmare?”  


“More of what the witch showed me,” Dean said with a shrug, willing himself to calm down. It wasn't real.  


Cas frowned. “Us as young humans?”  


Dean nodded. “Yeah. It’s really...sticking in my mind for some reason. You and me like that.”  


“Your childhood was a lonely one,” Cas observed. “Perhaps you just like the idea of having a friend.”  


“We were more than friends, Cas,” Dean said with a little smile that felt almost natural. “But…” he frowned, thinking back over both dreams. “In both of them you...you stood up to my dad in ways that I never did. Even though we were both what? Eighteen maybe? And you were like...a buck fifty, soaking wet. You stood up to him for Sammy. And for me. You were braver than I was.”  


“Oh Dean,” Cas whispered. He leaned down and kissed Dean tenderly on the lips, his hand on Dean’s cheek.  


“What?” Dean asked, frowning up at Cas when he pulled away.  


“It seems obvious to me,” Cas said, shaking his head, his hand not leaving Dean’s cheek. “You dreamed about being protected,” he said quietly. “Like you always protected Sam.” Cas leaned down, resting his forehead against Dean’s. “I wish that I could have been there like I was in your dreams, Dean,” he said gently.  


Dean’s throat worked as he tried to swallow the ball of emotion at Cas’ simple declaration. He couldn’t deny the truth of it, he knew that he couldn’t, so he pulled Cas in for a deep kiss. "I have you now," he said against Cas' lips.  


"You will always have me," Cas whispered back. His lips curled into an inviting smile. "You _can_ always have me."  


Dean shook his head and swatted his angel on the ass, loving Cas' breathless squeak of surprise. "Listen to you," he said, unable to keep the smile from his face. 

Cas responded by giving him a kiss that started sweet but rapidly turned heated as Cas teased Dean’s lips open with his tongue. Dean moaned into the kiss, loving how Cas rocked against him, and he was hard in an instant as Cas’ hands stroked over his body. He felt Cas smiling as the angel slid his hand lower and Dean grunted against Cas’ lips as Cas wrapped his hand around his cock.  


“Cas!”  


“Yes Dean?” Cas asked innocently.  


Two could play at that game.  


Dean reached down and wrapped his hand around Cas, beginning to stroke him hard and fast, startling a breathy laugh out of his angel.  


“Dean!”  


“Yes Cas?” he teased back.  


Cas shook his head, kissing Dean hungrily as they pushed each other towards the edge. Their foreheads were pressed together as they clung to each other, legs tangled together, lips open against each other’s. Dean knew from the little tremors going through Cas’ body that Cas was close, and fuck if he wasn’t too, and Cas was letting out adorable little whimpers against Dean’s lips and then they were both careening over the edge together. When they came within seconds of each other it was quieter than usual, more breathy gasps and less screaming as they both rode out their release. They touched each other gently through it until they collapsed together, breathing hard.  


“Fuck,” Dean whispered, pressing his lips to Cas’ forehead.  


“Mmmmm,” Cas replied, tilting his face up and catching Dean’s lips with his own. “You know, Dean,” he murmured, flopping back down with his head on Dean’s shoulder. “I have spent eons without any sort of sexual contact.” He let out a little chuff of laughter. “I don’t know that I would be able to do that again, having experienced what we have shared.”  


Dean laughed and pulled Cas in for a kiss. “Ruined you for celibacy, huh?”  


Cas was smiling into the kiss as he nodded.  


There was a knock on the door. “Guys?”  


Dean pulled back with a disgruntled groan. “Yeah, Sammy?”  


“You two ready for our marathon? We got snacks.”  


“Give us a minute,” Dean said and he swore that he could hear the look on Sam’s face. Together he and Cas rose and cleaned up in Dean’s sink before dressing in comfy clothes. Dean opened the bottom drawer of his bureau and pulled out the box set of Downton Abbey, tucking it under one arm before heading out to the space formerly known as the Dean Cave, then the Man Cave. It was now affectionately known as Bag End in honor of the fact that it was no longer only a bunch of dudes living there. Dean had even found a little hand-painted sign with the name. The beaten up couch had been traded for a massive sectional that fit the four of them with a little room to spare. There was a huge bowl of popcorn in the middle, with a smaller bowl of kettle corn that Cas gravitated towards immediately. Dean put in the DVD, grabbed the remote, hit the lights, and plopped down with his back against the arm of the sectional and one of his legs on the floor. Cas picked up the bowl of kettle corn and sat between Dean’s legs, leaning back against Dean’s chest. On the other side of the couch Eileen was sitting between Sam’s legs in the same way, happily popping junior mints into her mouth.  


Dean made eye contact with Sam over her head and grinned at his little brother. Sam smiled back and for just a second he looked unbelievably young. Dean thought that he saw the shine of tears in Sam’s eyes as Sam looked down at Eileen, over at Cas, and back at Dean and gave a little shake of his head as if to say: “Can you believe our luck?”  


Dean shrugged his shoulders and gave a little head shake of his own. They were so lucky. After everything that they had suffered, to share this moment of quiet domesticity was closer to true Heaven than anything that they had ever experienced.  


Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head and saw Sam lean down and brush his lips over Eileen’s cheek. She smiled up at him and fed him a Junior Mint before raising her eyebrow at Dean. “Ready to start?” she signed.  


Dean held up the remote in one hand, raising the pointer finger of the other. “Our story begins in April of 1912, as the Crawley family-”  


“Just hit play!” Eileen signed, tossing a piece of popcorn at him.  


Dean shook his head, sighing. “I can’t get any respect in this house.”  


Still, he turned on the closed captions, hit play, and pulled a blanket down to cover him and Cas as the familiar music began to play. Peace filled him as he and his family settled in to watch the “soothing British television” together and he found himself remembering something that Carson said towards the end of the show. “The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end that’s all there is.”  


Well, as he watched Sam and Eileen cuddle and feed each other popcorn and felt the comforting weight of Cas leaning against him, Dean had to admit that it was nice to be making some more good ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Should hopefully have another chapter up by this time next week at the latest. Work is bananas, so I know my pace is going to be a little slower. 
> 
> In the interest of transparency, I want to share that I don't have a clear end in mind for this fic. I'd like to keep working on it because it's been giving me joy during an otherwise pretty rough time, but I just don't know how much more content that is going to entail. I still want the boys to have more opportunities to explore their intimacy, and I imagine that going further than they have is still going to take some time, so I think I have a good bit to write still. And then of course there's the matter of how to end this fic when the time comes, which...is scary but, I promise I'll do my best.
> 
> We're at roughly 65K words so...not bad for something intended as a one-off, but I hope very much that this is still proving a good read. Anyway, that's enough rambling from me. I just wanted to be transparent about the process and how it's looking. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Be safe and well.  
> <3
> 
> ~SLN


	11. To fly would be folly, to stay would be jolly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just pure sexy fluff in preparation for darker chapters to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING: Internalized homophobia/homophobic slur**  
> 
> 
> Chapter title is from "Down in the Valley" from Fellowship of the Ring

A loud buzzing startled Dean out of his sleep and he groaned as Cas shifted and reached for his phone. He felt the angel go suddenly still, and that more than anything woke him up.  


“Cas?”  


“I have a text,” Cas rumbled. “From my wife.”  


Dean sat up, completely awake now. “Sorry, _what?_ Your wife?”  


Cas was sitting up now as well, frowning down at his phone. “Do you remember when we went into that television show with the talking dog?” Cas asked.  


“Scooby-doo?” Dean asked. “What? Did you marry Velma while I wasn’t looking?”  


Cas’ lips curled into a smile. “I think she was far more interested in Sam than me,” he said. “But no, I suppose that I forgot to tell you the how because I was distracted by the cartoons, but I got the Fruit of the Tree of Life by battling a clan of Djinn. We managed to resolve things after I had killed many of them. There was a ceremony of sorts and I...I suspected that I had brokered something of a truce by marrying their queen.”  


“And you never thought to mention it?” Dean sputtered.  


“I was distracted by the talking dog,” Cas said, sounding a little defensive. “And since I had acquired the fruit it hardly felt relevant!”  


Dean stared at him. “Not relevant?” He took a deep breath and almost choked when a thought occurred to him. He glanced sidelong at Cas, doing his best to sound remotely casual. “Did you two...you know...consummate?” Dean asked.  


Cas slowly turned to look at him, his expression neutral. “And if we had?” he asked, one eyebrow going up. “Is that not the custom when one gets married?”  


Dean felt his mouth opening and closing as he stared into Cas’ eyes, trying to sort through what he was feeling. Cas wasn’t wrong. That was the custom and it wasn’t as though they had been a couple at the time. Not explicitly anyway. He had no right to feel any sort of way about it, beyond concern that the person who was his friend at the time had possibly slept with a Djinn of all things.  


So why was he so fucking jealous he felt like he wanted to be sick?  


He swallowed hard, forcing the feelings down. “I...I mean, I-I...Cas-”  


“Dean...I did not consummate my marriage with the Djinn queen,” Cas said gently, reaching out and taking his hand. “I was only teasing.” He leaned over, pressing his lips to Dean’s and Dean felt himself relax fractionally into the kiss, even though he felt like an ass.  


“No fucking Djinn,” Dean growled against Cas’ lips. “I don’t care if she is your wife.”  


“Why not?” Cas asked mildly and Dean could feel him smiling.  


“Because,” Dean said, grabbing Cas and pulling him down onto the bed, stretching out on top of him.  


“Because?” Cas breathed, looking up at him with wide eyes and tilting his head back, exposing his throat.  


Dean leaned down, brushing his lips against Cas’ ear. “Because…” he whispered, catching Cas’ earlobe between his teeth and giving it a playful tug. “You’re mine.”  


He felt Cas shudder beneath him and _fuck_ if it wasn’t hot.  


“Say it again?” Cas whispered.  


Dean kissed from Cas’ earlobe down to his neck, flicking his tongue out to taste his skin. He paused just below Cas’ jaw, giving Cas a gentle nip and then sucking hard enough to leave a purple mark on his skin. “Castiel,” he growled, licking down to nip Cas’ collarbone. “You. Are. Mine.”  


Cas let out a moan that was so deep it sent a chill through Dean’s body. “Again!” he whimpered. “Please say it again, Dean!”  


“You’re mine, Castiel,” Dean said immediately before kissing Cas hard, his tongue urging the angel’s lips open as he slid his hands into Cas’ hair. Cas’ arms went around him in an instant, his hands sliding down to cup Dean’s ass. “If she wants you, she’s going to have to fight me.”  


Cas rocked against him, draping his legs over the backs of Dean’s. “Is it odd that I love to hear that?” he asked. “That I’m yours? That you won’t share?”  


“I don’t think so,” Dean said. “But to be sure...why don’t you say it to me?” He heard himself let out an undignified yelp of surprise as Cas flipped him onto his back and grabbed his wrists, pinning them above his head.  


“Dean,” Cas growled, nibbling along his jaw. “You are _mine._ I have no intention of sharing you.”  


“No?” Dean moaned, tilting his chin up. _Fuck he drives me crazy,_ he thought. Hearing the possessiveness in Cas' voice _definitely_ did something for him. He didn't _want_ to be shared. He was more than happy to put his hound dog days behind him for good...not that he had been much of one as of late. All he wanted was his angel. 

“No,” Cas replied, sliding his hands under Dean’s shirt and pushing it up. “Mine,” he repeated into Dean’s ear, making him shiver. “I want you, Dean,” he growled. “But I need to respond to Samia. She has come to Kansas.”  


“There is a Djinn here?” Dean exclaimed, knocking Cas sideways as he sat up abruptly. “She’s here?”  


“Dean, you can put your hackles down,” Cas said, his lips curling into a soft smile that went straight to Dean’s heart as he typed into his phone. “She is here hoping to terminate our...arrangement.”  


“Genie wants a divorce?” Dean asked, and hated himself for relaxing.  


“Something like that,” Cas said, hitting “send” on a message. He put his phone back on the nightstand and turned towards Dean. “We are meeting her at six,” he said calmly. “At the diner.”  


“We?” Dean asked, though inwardly he felt better at the idea. It wasn’t as though he was going to let Cas go by himself anyway, but still.  


“She wants to meet you,” Cas said.  


“That’s fine,” Dean grumbled, pulling Cas against him. “As long as she keeps her hands to herself.”  


“And if she doesn’t?” Cas asked a little breathlessly. “What will you do?”  


“Do you really have to ask?” Dean growled.  


Cas was quick, so quick, and before Dean knew it he was on his back with the angel sprawled on top of him, giving him a smile that sent goosebumps over Dean’s arms. “I think I do,” Cas said.  


“Cas-”  


“I know what I would do,” Cas said calmly. “If positions were reversed.”  


“Oh yeah?” Dean managed to gasp as Cas leaned down and nipped at his neck. “What’s that?”  


“It rhymes with ‘Hank’,” Cas said before leaning down and giving Dean a long, slow kiss. His hands slid up the sides of Dean’s shirt as his lips parted, and Dean moaned, wrapping his arms tightly around his angel. “Though again, I do not think you need to worry. She is not interested in me.”  


“That makes one of us,” Dean said, then blushed because he felt like a dork.  


Cas was blushing too, but grinned at him and nuzzled into his neck. “Are you ‘interested in me’, Dean?”  


Dean grumbled and caught Cas’ lips with his own. “Understatement,” he replied before giving Cas the sloppiest, deepest kiss that he could. They were both breathing hard at the end of it and Dean could feel Cas’ hard length against his hip.  


“Dean,” Cas moaned, rocking his hips. “Not for nothing, but the last time someone looked at me like that...I got laid.”  


Dean laughed, recognizing his words, and grabbed the bottom hem of Cas’ shirt, pulling it over his head. He let Cas do the same to him and together they managed to wriggle out of their pajama pants and boxers. Cas stretched out on top of him naked and sighed happily as the two of them kissed. “Did you want to get laid, Cas?” he teased. He wasn’t prepared for the way Cas looked at him and it sent a thrill of need through his body. There was such intense hunger in Cas’ eyes that it made Dean’s breath catch in his throat.  


“Don’t you?” Cas growled, sliding off to the side and running his hand up and down Dean’s body.  


Dean arched into his touch, his cock beginning to drip. “Cas-” he breathed as Cas’ hand slid down and wrapped around him.  


“Yes Dean?” Cas asked, smiling and beginning to stroke a little faster.  


Dean reached for him, only to find his wrist caught in Cas’ vise-like grasp. He struggled a little, just to see what Cas would do, and heard himself moan as Cas pushed his wrist over his head and pinned it in place.  


“Yes, Dean,” Cas growled into his ear, his breath hot and wet as the motion of his hand sped up. “I would like to get laid.”  


“I’m yours, Cas,” Dean breathed, his hips moving into Cas’ touch. Already he could feel the pressure building within him. “Fuck, you feel so good!”  


“I want you, Dean,” Cas said, his voice low and rough as he stroked Dean harder and faster.  


“So take me,” Dean replied, the words leaving his mouth before he even really thought about them. He felt Cas’ hand tighten around him as the angel let out a soft groan.  


“Dean-” Cas’ voice was rough and Dean felt a shudder go through his angel’s body. “Dean.”  


Dean’s eyes fluttered open as he looked up at Cas. The man was a glorious hot mess. His eyes were wide and full of heat, his cheeks were flushed, and his full lips were parted as he breathed hard. “Yeah, babe?” Dean asked, cupping Cas’ cheek with the hand that wasn’t pinned above his head. “You ok?”  


Cas turned his head and kissed Dean’s palm. “You asked me to take you,” Cas whispered.  


Dean flushed. “I guess I did,” he replied, stroking his thumb over Cas’ cheekbone. “I...it was the heat of the moment, Cas, you don’t...we don’t...I-”  


“I _want_ to,” Cas said, looking into Dean’s eyes. “Dean...the thought of sharing that kind of intimacy with you...it...it fills me with profound need.”  


Dean let out a soft laugh, mostly to cover the way his stomach did a little flip at Cas’ words. Fuck if the thought of Cas… _having_ him didn’t make him feel the same way. “Me too, Cas,” he said, shocked by how true it was. “I-I’m not sure I’m ready, but I can’t say that I don’t...that it...that I haven’t been thinking about it.”  


“Have you?” Cas asked, beginning to stroke him again, a little faster this time.  


Dean let his head fall back with a moan.  


“What have you been thinking?” Cas asked, his thumb running back and forth over the head of Dean’s cock, spreading the wetness and making Dean groan.  


“I can’t-I can’t fucking talk, Cas,” Dean whimpered as Cas stroked him harder. “Fuck-I can’t-”  


“I could stop,” Cas said and Dean could hear him smiling.  


“Please....” Dean moaned. “Tell me….tell me what you think about.”  


He felt Cas’ weight shift a little next to him and then Cas’ lips were brushing along his jaw. “I think about how it would feel to have our bodies be...as one,” Cas whispered.  


“Jesus, Cas,” Dean gasped. “Fuck!”  


“Should I...should I continue?” Cas asked, sounding worried.  


“Yes!” Dean slid his hand into Cas’ hair, turning his head to give Cas a sloppy kiss on the lips.  


“I…” Cas hesitated and Dean opened his eyes as he felt Cas’ hand slow. “I don’t want to...to pressure you, Dean. I’ve told you, we could never do more than this and I would be content.”  


Dean did his best to still his body, wanting to focus on Cas’ words. “I know,” he said and was proud at how normal his voice sounded. “And I love you for it. But I want to know what you think about, Cas. Even if I’m not there yet, I want to know.” He gently tugged on Cas’ hair, tilting his chin up so he could rub their noses together. “Talk to me. What do you imagine?”  


To his chagrin, Cas let go of his cock and turned on his side, putting his arms around Dean and snuggling under his chin. Cas’ hands were gentle as they traveled up and down Dean’s back and Dean hugged Cas to him, mimicking his actions.  


“I…” Cas ducked his head down and swallowed hard. “Well, since we became intimate...I have allowed myself to fantasize some. Usually when you are asleep.”  


“Dirty boy,” Dean teased gently.  


Cas looked up at him sharply, his eyes widening for a moment until he realized that Dean was joking. “They are frequently very impure thoughts,” he said, smiling. “About things that we have done. And things we might enjoy doing.”  


“Give me a for-instance,” Dean said, leaning in and giving Cas a gentle kiss on the shoulder. “How impure are we talking? Casa Erotica Four? Or that one thing we watched with the leather?”  


Cas blushed at the memory. “Somewhere in the middle,” he said quietly. “I...I have imagined us...making love, Dean. Though it is not generally as...acrobatic as Casa Erotica. Nor are there quite so many tacos.”  


Dean laughed quietly and massaged the base of Cas’ skull, eliciting a soft moan from the other man. “What then, babe?” he asked.  


“It is...soft,” Cas said. “When we come together it is...soft. Gentle.”  


_He’s so damn cute,_ Dean thought, running his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Yeah?” he said. “How do we get started?” _Fuck me, are we really about to have this conversation? Why doesn’t it spook me more?_  


“I....I touch you,” Cas said, not looking at him. “Or you touch me...with lubrication, of course.”  


“Of course,” Dean managed to croak. He felt a curious shiver go down his spine as Cas continued to speak, still not looking up.  


“I like to imagine touching you the most,” Cas said quietly and Dean couldn’t say that he was surprised. “I love the way you sound when I touch you, Dean, and I can only imagine the sounds you would make if I were to-to…” he trailed off and, glancing down, Dean could see the bright red blush on his cheeks.  


“If you were to…?” Dean prompted gently.  


“Do more than we have,” Cas whispered. “If I were to touch you more...more intimately than I have. If I were to touch you and tease you open with my fingers and my-my tongue.”  


“Cas!” Dean breathed, his hand tightening in Cas’ hair. _Tease you open...fuck. Fuck why doesn’t that scare me? Do I really want him to touch me that way? Would I touch him that way?_  


“Did I cross a line?” Cas asked, sounding suddenly panicked. “Dean?”  


“You’re fine,” Dean said, giving Cas a tender kiss on the lips. “You’re fine, Cas. I-I...I.” He let out a little laugh. “I don’t know what to say.”  


“I am content for it to remain a fantasy,” Cas said, finally meeting his eyes.  


“Maybe I’m not,” Dean said, deciding all at once. It was him and Cas. He wanted to at least _try_ to give his lover what he wanted. “I just...go slow.”  


Cas’ eyes were huge and liquid as he looked up at Dean. “I do not want to push you, Dean,” he said quietly. “I don’t want you to do something that you will regret. It has only been a few weeks since we started to explore one another with our mouths.”  


Dean shivered. He wasn’t sure why, but Cas’ oddly clinical descriptions of things had started to be almost as sexy as normal dirty talk. Like so many things, he suspected that it was only because it was Cas. Reaching down, Dean took hold of Cas’ hand and slid it down his back until it was resting on his ass.  


“I’m yours, Cas,” Dean said quietly, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “Have me...however you want me.”  


“Your trust is everything to me,” Cas said, pressing a tender kiss to the corner of Dean’s lips. His hand stroked over Dean’s ass, but it wasn’t a sexual gesture, merely a comforting one. “As much as I want to touch you, Dean, I want for us to be all right more. I need for you to be all right more than I need any physical sensation that I could ever have.”  


“Thank you for caring so damn much,” Dean whispered, pulling Cas in for a deep kiss.  


Cas nodded and kissed him back, grabbing the back of Dean’s thigh and pulling his leg over his hip. Dean moaned against his lips, rocking against Cas so that their cocks brushed together.  


“You feel so good,” Dean said, tightening his leg around Cas.  


“So do you,” Cas replied, giving Dean’s ass a squeeze that made him grunt with need.  


“Harder,” Dean growled. It turned into a low groan of need as Cas complied, grinding his hips against Dean’s as he gave his ass a firm squeeze. “Touch me, Cas,” he whispered against Cas’ lips. “I want you to touch me, the way you want to. Take me, the way you want to.”  


Cas was letting out breathy little pants that told Dean that he was close to the edge, and sure enough when the angel met his eyes Dean saw a flash wild need. Dean slid his hand down and took Cas in his hand, stroking him gently. “Touch me, Cas,” Dean said again. “Please.”  


Cas pulled back and took a deep, shuddering breath, reaching down and stilling Dean’s hand. “I will not be able to touch you like I want to if you keep doing that,” he said with a wry little smile. “It makes me too...wild.”  


“I do like to hear I drive you wild,” Dean teased as Cas rolled him onto his back and began to kiss down his body.  


“You do,” Cas rumbled, his mouth hot and wet on Dean’s belly as he slid down. “Alarmingly.” He kissed the tip of Dean’s cock, making him arch up and moan as he nudged between Dean’s legs and eased them open. Then he leaned over and opened the nightstand drawer, pulling out the bottle of fancy lube that he’d bought for them. “Are you sure you want me to touch you, Dean?” he asked a little breathlessly.  


“Yes,” Dean said, reaching for Cas’ hand and giving it a squeeze. “Just...take it slow, babe. Please?”  


“What is our safeword?” Cas asked.  


“Wildebeast,” Dean said with a smile. “Because you’re a weirdo.”  


“Takes one to know one,” Cas said. He held Dean’s eyes as he poured a little lube into his palm and rubbed his hands together. “Dean...are you sure that you want this?”  


“Castiel,” Dean said, looking up into his angel’s eyes. “I really am yours. I want to explore...this. I can’t promise how far I’ll go, but I want to try.” He gave Cas his best sassy smile, the one he knew went straight to Cas’ cock. “So take me.”  


Cas’ eyes narrowed fractionally as his left eyebrow rose and his chin tilted up. “Dean,” he growled, rubbing his hands together and wrapping one of them around Dean’s cock and the other around his balls. He began to stroke both at once in ungodly slow strokes, his eyes never leaving Dean’s.  


Dean wanted to throw his head back with his eyes shut, but he couldn’t look away. Cas’ expression was so full of need and warmth it just filled his heart completely. So he held Cas’ eyes as the angel stroked him, slowly simultaneously getting him hot and making his body feel utterly and completely relaxed.  


“I love touching you,” Cas said, giving him a sweet smile that was utterly at odds with the clever way his hands were stroking Dean. “I love how your body responds to my touch, to my words, I love seeing how your thighs get tense when I speed up like this.” For the next several moments, Dean wasn’t capable of thought or speech as Cas teased him, drawing him inexorably closer to the edge until his hand began to slow.  


“Dean?”  


“Yes?” Dean whimpered because his belly felt tight and his whole body felt like it was a live wire. “Cas please!”  


“Are you sure?”  


“Yes!”  


_Am I sure?_ He thought as Cas slowly released his cock. _I think I am. I think that I want this. I think that I want to see how it feels to be this way with him._  


Cas' hand was gentle as it took hold of Dean’s leg behind his knee and pushed it up towards his chest. It remained there, holding his leg up as his other hand began to stroke the area just behind Dean’s balls.  


Dean _did_ throw his head back then and moan, because it felt undeniably _good._ He felt a little exposed with his leg up, but Cas was holding him tenderly, his glorious eyes watching as he trailed one finger in a slow circle.  


“How does this feel, love?” Cas asked.  


Dean blushed. Cas had never called him that before. “Good,” he whispered raggedly, not wanting to draw attention to it and make Cas self-conscious.  


“Are you ok?” Cas asked, keeping up the same slow, gentle pace.  


Dean nodded and then let out a quiet moan as Cas’ finger slid further back. “Oh God,” he breathed. Cas was getting close to his hole, his finger stroking in a slow circle with just enough pressure to make Dean clench his eyes shut. He pulled his other leg up to his chest without thinking about it, whimpering when Cas released his leg and gently put the one he’d raised down.  


“Slow down,” Cas said, kissing the inside of Dean’s thigh. “I’m in no rush, Dean. Just...relax and let me take care of you.”  


Dean did as he asked and soon Cas had resumed touching him. He didn’t touch Dean’s hole, just the area near it, occasionally adding more lube so that his fingers just glided over Dean’s skin. “Oh Cas,” he whispered. “Cas, baby, that feels so good.”  


“You look wonderful like this,” Cas said. “I want to give you everything, Dean. I want to make you feel the best you’ve ever felt in your whole life.”  


“Every day…” Dean gasped. “You give that to me every day I wake up with you, Cas.”  


Cas’ smile was tender. “I feel the same," he said quietly. He cocked his head. "Still ok?” he asked.  


“Yeah,” Dean replied. “Yeah...I’m ok.”  


Then Cas slid his finger back a tiny bit and brushed over Dean’s hole and Dean heard himself make the most plaintive whimper of pure need. “Fuck, oh fuck!”  


Instantly Cas stilled. “Dean, are you all right?”  


“Yeah? I-I think so? It feels...it feels Cas!”  


Cas began to move again in slow, incredibly, agonizingly slow circles, teasing the tight ring of muscle.  


“Shhhh,” Cas whispered. “I have you. All I want is for you to feel so good, Dean.” His other hand wrapped around Dean’s cock and began to stroke once again and Dean felt his eyes roll back into his head as the intensity of the feelings threatened to overwhelm him. Everything felt so _sensitive._  


“Cas!” Dean gasped as Cas leaned down and sucked the head of his cock. “CAS! Jesus, fuck!”  


The pad of Cas finger brushed in a slow circle around Dean’s hole as Cas began to suck him in a gentle rhythm. Cas took him into his throat and Dean’s hands were in his hair as he did his best not to yank Cas further onto him as Cas teased him closer and closer to the edge. “Cas! Cas please please please please just make me cum I fucking need you PLEASE!”  


He felt Cas’ pleased moan around his cock and then there was gentle pressure on his hole as Cas swallowed hard around him. “CAS!”  


Cas nodded, pressing Dean’s knee against his chest as he teased his hole.  


“Cas, Cas I’m yours, I’m all yours please, please take me! PLEASE!”  


Cas growled around him, his hand tightening around Dean’s knee as his finger just barely eased into Dean’s hole and Dean...Dean came completely undone.  


He screamed Cas’ name, clutching wildly at Cas as he took Dean’s cock into his throat. The waves of his orgasm hit him like a freight train, but Cas was holding him down, holding him still as he continued to suck and tease.  


“Cas please, oh fuck, oh God, please Cas please I can’t, please, please-”  


Cas pulled back with a gasp, giving Dean’s cock a tender kiss and releasing his leg. Dean lay beneath him gasping as Cas covered him with the blankets and kissed up his body to his lips. “How was that?” he asked quietly, once Dean’s breathing had normalized just a little.  


Dean turned and snuggled against him, burying his face in Cas’ chest. He felt weird, but also not weird. Like he should have felt much weirder. Cas had just played with his ass, about the most fucking... _that_ thing that he could have done, but it had just felt good. More than that... it had felt...special.  


“Fucking incredible,” Dean said, and it was the truth. Then, to his horror, tears began to trickle down his cheeks. “Damn it! Fucking damn it.”  


"Dean?" 

“I’m ok,” Dean whispered, tightening his arms around Cas. “I’m ok. I just...I...Cas...the way you touch me…”  


“Yes?” Dean loved him for how wide-eyed and concerned he looked. He was even doing the head tilt. “Am I...is it all right?”  


“Fuck you make me feel so... _precious,_ ” Dean said and blushed because he felt like a dork, but it was true. He buried his face in Cas’ neck so he wouldn’t have to look at him. “You’re so gentle with me, Cas,” he whispered. “No one has ever been so gentle with me. You touch me like I’m made of fucking glass and I...I don’t know what to do with it.”  


“You’re precious to me,” Cas said simply. “Why wouldn’t I touch you like that?”  


Dean just shook his head and cuddled against his angel, stroking his hand up and down Cas’ side.  


“Dean?” Cas asked after a few minutes of quiet.  


“Mmmm?”  


“Was that...all right?” Cas asked. “Did you enjoy it?”  


_Did I enjoy him playing with my ass?_ Dean thought, even as the answer hit him immediately. He _had_ enjoyed it. He couldn’t deny it. He felt safe under Cas’ hands. He loved watching Cas touch him. And he couldn’t pretend that it hadn’t felt fucking incredible.  


_You fucking-_  


_NO._  


_God damn it, **NO.**_  


“I did,” Dean managed to whisper, though he couldn’t look Cas in the eyes. “I did, babe. I loved it. I just...I...fuck. No one has ever, has ever done that to me.”  


“Did you feel safe?” Cas asked so earnestly that Dean’s heart clenched.  


“Yeah, Cas, yeah, of course I felt safe,” Dean said. “It was just...new.” He kissed Cas on the tip of the nose, hoping to dissipate some of the tension. “I have never felt safer.” He kissed Cas’ cheek, then out to his ear. “I want to make you feel the same way,” he said quietly.  


“I’m yours, Dean,” Cas said immediately. “Though I don’t want you to...to push yourself-”  


“What if I want to push your self?” Dean teased, his voice not quite betraying how his heart had climbed to his throat. _Can I do this? Am I man enough to do this for the man I love?_  


“Do you?” Cas asked, reaching up and caressing Dean’s cheek.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, because for all of his trepidation, he wanted to make Cas feel at least as good as he had. “Lay back, Cas. Let me make you feel good?”  


Cas complied immediately, looking up at Dean with wide, beautiful eyes.  


Dean didn’t let himself think, just sat between Cas’ legs and grabbed some lube, warming it up in his hands before he began to stroke Cas’ cock. He just wanted to relax his angel, to make Cas feel needy and happy and hot in the way that Cas always made him feel.  


Cas arched into his touch, spreading his legs as Dean touched him. “Dean!”  


“That’s it, baby,” Dean whispered, his hand wrapped around the top part of Cas’ cock as he cupped Cas’ balls. “Just relax and let me take care of you.”  


“Dean!”  


Dean smiled and stroked faster for a solid few moments before releasing Cas’ cock and adding a little more lube to his fingers. He began to mimic the motions that Cas had used, stroking with one finger just behind Cas’ balls until the angel was writhing. He wanted to touch Cas as Cas had touched him, but he knew he wasn’t ready, so he touched Cas and leaned down, sucking Cas into his mouth. 

He was a lot more relentless than his angel had been, pushing him towards the edge until Cas was writhing beneath him, moaning and begging. Then, as Cas got close to the edge, Dean took a deep breath and reached back, brushing his fingertip over Cas’ hole. Cas half rose off of the bed with a cry, his legs falling wider open as he reached for Dean. “Dean PLEASE!”  


Dean reached up and took hold of Cas’ knee, pushing it up to his chest just as he had done. Cas was watching him, his eyes wide. “Dean please,” he whispered in an adorable needy little voice. “Dean, Dean...please just take me!”  


Dean clenched his teeth, trying to force down the feral need that Cas awoke in him. He could imagine it so easily. Leaning down over Cas spread so willing and just taking him. Hilting himself in his angel.  


_Fuck, that’s what I want?_  


He forced himself to breathe, reaching down and stroking his finger over Cas’ hole as he leaned down and sucked Cas' cock. Cas was so hard, so wet, and he tasted so right on Dean’s tongue as he began to suck Cas as hard and fast as he could. He was so much less elegant than his angel, so much less methodical, but Cas was writhing beneath him and clutching at his hair and that was all that mattered.  


“DEAN!” Cas’ moans were so good, so hot, so sweet. His hand tight in Dean’s hair as one of his heels pressed into Dean’s spine. “Please! Please, please oh please oh please just let me cum, PLEASE!”  


Dean growled around Cas, stroking the pad of of his finger over Cas’ tight hole as he sucked and then Cas was screaming and bucking and Dean was taking his cum into his mouth. He still wasn’t able to swallow, still had to spit into a tissue, but he felt like less of a disaster person as he watched Cas shivering beneath him as he came down. All that mattered was that he’d made Cas happy. He lay down and pulled Cas into his arms, gasping as Cas kissed him hard, his tongue pressing into Dean’s mouth. They kissed for a long time until they both collapsed against the pillows, breathing hard.  


After a few minutes, Dean got up and got a washcloth wet, bringing it back to clean them both up. Then he crawled back into bed and tugged Cas against him.  


“I love you, Dean,” Cas said, smiling blissfully. “Thank you for trusting me.”  


“No one I trust more,” Dean said, pressing his lips to the top of Cas’ hair. “Love you too.” He found himself yawning and snuggled against Cas. “When are we meeting your wife?” he murmured, hearing the grumpy tone in his voice and not caring.  


“Six,” Cas said, stroking one hand up and down his back. “It’s still early, Dean. Why don’t you go back to sleep?”  


Dean shrugged, tightening his arms around his angel. “I’m not really sleepy,” he said. “But I won’t say no to a good cuddle.”  


Cas made a happy sound and tilted his face up for a kiss and Dean was happy to oblige. “Dean?” Cas said quietly.  


“Hmmm?”  


“I am sorry that I have a wife, which complicates things.”  


Dean chuckled, shaking his head. “We have faced weirder,” he said. “We’ll figure it out...together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapters are going to be much darker, so I wanted to get some fluff in there. I was super nervous writing this one, as I likely will be for awhile on the more smut-heavy chapters being a cis woman writing two men experiencing sexual intimacy. I have done my best to be informed and keep things realistic for the characters and I really hope that you enjoyed!


	12. In the Dark I Hear a Call, Calling Me There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas go to meet Samia, Cas' wife. She asks them to perform a ritual with her to break their marriage once and for all. Unfortunately, the ritual will involve a journey into their dreams...and their nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia**
> 
> These next couple chapters are going to be on the darker side. I really wanted to explore what Cas and Dean fear now that they have each other, but it led me to a pretty dark place. Please don't read this if you aren't in a good headspace.
> 
> The titles for this chapter is from Howard Shore's "In Dreams"  
> 

Ducking his head against the rain that was slanting sideways, Dean slid his hand into Cas’ as they approached Merle’s Old Fashioned Diner, determined not to fuck this up. The diner was a staple in town. Everyone came there and Merle, well, he knew everyone. Dean and Cas hadn’t come here since they had gotten together and doing so would be, well...it would be telling everyone that they were a couple.  


It would be telling everyone that they were a couple.  


“You do not have to hold my hand,” Cas said softly. “Not here. I know that it is a place where it would be...meaningful if people were to see us.”  


“You’re right,” Dean said, opening the door and lacing his fingers through Cas’. “It would be meaningful.”  


Cas looked over at him, his eyes wide. “Dean?”  


“Let’s go,” Dean said wryly. “We’ve got a date with your wife.”  


The bell overhead dinged as Dean opened the door and Merle glanced over his shoulder from his habitual place at the griddle. He froze briefly, his eyes going to where their hands were entwined, then nodded to them. “Denver omelette, sub thick-cut bacon for ham, full stack of pancakes with strawberries and bacon on the side?” he said.  


Dean almost stumbled, expecting something...more? Different? “Yeah,” he said a little more gruffly than he intended. “Thanks, Merle. Could we get a coupla coffees too?”  


“Bertie’ll getcha,” Merle said, turning back to the griddle.  


And sure enough, Bertie was there with two menus, leading them back to their usual booth. Was it his imagination, or did her brow furrow as she looked at their clasped hands? Was their coffee a little less full than usual? Was Bertie’s usual: “right away, hon” a little more terse?  


Still, Dean didn’t let go. He scooted into the booth and let Cas sit on the outside so that they could wait for Samia and present a united front.  


“Are you all right?” Cas asked, leaning close enough that his breath was warm on Dean’s cheek.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, doing his best to ignore the prickling feeling at the back of his neck that told him that everyone was staring at him and Cas.  


“You’re lying,” Cas said quietly. “Dean, you can-”  


“I’m not letting go of your hand,” Dean said firmly. “I’ll be ok.” _I **will** be ok. Cas deserves at least this much from me._  


“Well as I live and breathe!”  


Dean glanced over his shoulder and found himself craning his neck up to meet the eyes of the man who had asked for he and Cas’ help at the Superstore.  


“Hello, boys!” the man said, grinning down at them. “Tallulah Mae, these are the boys I told you about!”  


An attractive middle aged black woman raised an immaculate eyebrow at the big man before smiling down at them. “I have you two to thank for my mama not having anything to say about my guest room,” she said with a wry smile. “Lord knows that my Lional wouldn’t have known a duvet from a dishcloth without a little help.”  


“It was our pleasure,” Cas said. “Right, honey?”  


Dean blushed to his ears, but not for the reasons that he would have expected. _Cas called me ‘honey’._ There was a big, stupid smile on his face as he looked up at Lionel and Tallulah. “Absolutely,” he said. _I am a big, smitten dork._  


“Aww,” Tallulah said. “Y’all are newlyweds, aren’t you?”  


“Dean has not yet put a ring on it,” Cas said seriously. “But we are...new to this version of our relationship, yes.”  


“Bless,” Tallulah said. “To be young and in love.”  


“I remember when you used to look at me like that, Darlin’,” Lionel said, putting his arm around Tallulah’s waist. “Stars in your eyes and a song in your heart.”  


“That was before I knew that while you can hit a buck with your bow at 25 yards, you can’t hit the laundry basket at two feet,” Tallulah said with a fond smile.  


“Lala, you are embarrassing me in front of the boys!” Lionel said with an exaggerated pout. “Once the weather clears up, we’ll have to have you two over for a grill-out!” Lionel said. “As a thank you.”  


“That sounds great,” Dean said. He stuck out his hand. “Dean Winchester. This is my-” he glanced at Cas. “My partner Castiel-”  


“Timberlake,” Cas supplied instantly and Dean did his best to choke down a giggle.  


“What a beautiful name,” Tallulah said.  


Bertie showed up then with their food and Lionel smiled at Tallulah. “Let’s let these boys eat, Darlin’,” he said. “It was a pleasure, boys.”  


Together they walked off and Dean watched as Lionel tugged Tallulah against him a little more firmly, whispering something in her ear. Her laugh was rich and warm as she swatted him on the shoulder, and Dean couldn’t help but smile.  


“They were very kind,” Cas said as Bernie set the hot sauce down in front of Dean.  


“I’m glad we ran into them,” Dean said, picking up some bacon and taking a bite. He couldn’t help but roll his eyes back in his head. There was no beating Merle’s bacon. He was so absorbed in his food that it took him a moment to realize that Cas was poking at his pancakes with his fork instead of attacking them with his usual gusto.  


“What’s wrong?” Dean asked, using his fork to cut his omelette and taking a bite. Damn, that was delicious..  


“You are uncomfortable,” Cas said. “And I do not know how to make it better.”  


Dean sighed and set down his fork, using chewing his food to give him a moment to gather his thoughts. “It was easier in Chicago,” he admitted once he had swallowed.  


“Because no one knew us,” Cas said softly.  


Dean shrugged one shoulder. “Something like that,” he admitted. He scratched the back of his neck, trying to ignore the prickling feeling that said that everyone was glaring at them.  


“I don’t want to cause you discomfort, Dean,” Cas said, not looking at him.  


“That’s not what you said last night,” Dean replied with a sassy smile. He hated to see Cas looking so worried. All he wanted was to see his angel smile.  


His response startled a laugh from Cas and Dean felt something within him unclench a little. “Dean-”  


“Nothing worthwhile is easy,” Dean said firmly, reaching down and giving Cas’ hand a squeeze. “It’ll take me some time to get comfortable, Cas. It just will. But I’m going to keep trying. I’ll get there eventually.” He leaned over and gave Cas a peck on the cheek, forcing himself to ignore the hot blush that immediately crept up his neck and onto his cheeks. “Now eat your pancakes before they get cold,” he said a little more gruffly than he intended.  


Cas’ sidelong smile was adorable as he nodded and tucked in, and the two of them ate in companionable silence until Bertie showed up with a refill of coffee.  


Cas put both hands around the cup with a happy sigh, leaning back. His phone buzzed and he glanced down. “Samia is a few minutes away,” he said.  


Dean stifled a yawn, glancing down at his watch. He and Cas hadn’t done terribly much sleeping the night before and it was ass early. “Why did she want to meet at the ass-crack of dawn?” he grumbled, taking a sip of his coffee.  


“The time difference, probably,” Cas said, slipping his phone back in his pocket. “I imagine it feels much later in the day to her. And, well, I expect she wishes to conclude our...business as early as possible.”  


“She’s not the only one,” Dean grumbled, earning himself a fond smile from Cas. The angel looked like he was about to say something when the bell over the door dinged. Dean was suddenly struck with the scent of cloves and something else he couldn’t identify as he heard a female’s quiet alto voice.  


“Good morning, Husband.”  


A woman stepped around the booth, wearing a white jumpsuit with buttons and a belt that reminded Dean of Cas’ trenchcoat. She had a thin black scarf with little white polka-dots wrapped around her head and a peacock blue handbag slung over her elbow. She had dark eyes and tawny skin, and her full lips were stained the color of blackberry juice. She slid into the booth across from them and held out her hand to Dean. “And you must be my ‘competition’,” she said with a wary smile. “I am Samia.”  


Dean shook her hand, searching her face for some sign of malice. Her expression was guarded, but Cas seemed relaxed enough, and that relaxed him. “Dean,” he said. “Pleasure. So what’s this about divorcing Cas?”  


She chuckled, a low, rich sound. “Right to the chase, I see. Concerned about your boyfriend being married to someone else?”  


“You could say that,” Dean said, putting his hand on Cas’ thigh beneath the table.  


She shrugged. “I understand, as hard as you may find that to believe. And I have my own reasons for desiring an end to the union.”  


“And what might those be?” Cas asked, cocking his head.  


“Well, Castiel, you must admit you have hardly been an ideal husband,” Samia said, raising a dark eyebrow. “You left immediately following our wedding, you don’t write, you don’t call. And you are cohabitating with one of the most notorious Hunters in the world.”  


Bertie appeared at that moment with the coffee pot and a menu. “Can I get you something, hon?”  


“I would love a cup of coffee,” Samia said. “And a short stack of pancakes.” She glanced over at them. “I take it you two have already eaten?” she asked as Bertie hurried off.  


“We were early,” Cas said. “I hope that you do not mind.”  


Samia shook her head. “You had no way of knowing if I would join you in eating,” she said calmly. “Now, as you have no doubt gathered, I have come here hoping to terminate our union peacefully. There is a rival clan of Djinn and the eldest son and I have been working to...broker a peace between our peoples. We are both tired of warring over the same territory every generation.” She smiled up at Bertie as she set down the coffee and cream pitcher. “But of course, I must end our arrangement first. It would not be seemly for me to have two husbands. Especially when one of them is all but married to a hunter.”  


“So how do you end a relationship like yours?” Dean asked. “I take it Judge Judy doesn’t mediate Djinn divorces?”  


Cas snorted. Dean had made him watch more than a few episodes of Judge Judy.  


Samia rolled her eyes and reached into her purse, pulling out a roll of parchment. “This is our marriage agreement,” she said quietly. “All we must do is amend it and officially we will no longer be wed. However…” she hesitated and Dean groaned.  


“There’s always a however,” he grumbled.  


Samia shrugged. “I am wed to an Angel,” she said. “Castiel represents a great deal of power to my people, power that is difficult to just...let go. I will be seen as weak if I simply release you from our arrangement, which will allow the factions that desire endless war to continue to agitate. I must be seen as having come out the better.”  


“And what does that entail?” Cas asked as Bertie set Samia’s short stack down.  


“Well,” Samia said. “I would like to have some of your blood. From each of you. The blood of an Angel and of a Winchester...it would be a powerful signal that I am not to be trifled with. Furthermore, I think it could advance my goals of withdrawing Djinn from human areas. We will still have to feed, of course, but I hope to make it a symbiotic relationship, rather than a purely predatory one.”  


Dean was about to refuse out of hand, but he noticed that Cas was nodding slowly. “You’re ok with this?” he asked, staring at the angel.  


“Depending on what the plan is for our blood,” Cas said, his eyes not leaving Samia. “The prospect of having one fewer adversary to hunt is a promising one, you have to admit.”  


“I will not be taking that much,” Samia said. “But we would use it to toast at our wedding. The one thing is...I will also have to use a spell.”  


“What kind of spell?” Dean asked.  


“My family...we are the variety of Djinn who keep our prey in happy dreams,” Samia said bluntly. “My fiance, his family are the other variety.”  


“The ones who feed on fear,” Dean said and heard the note of disgust in his voice. It was plain Samia heard it too, but she did not look away.  


“Yes,” she said. “I would have to use a spell to ‘feed’ as he does.”  


“How much blood would be necessary?” Cas asked.  


“I think a pint total from each of you,” Samia said. “Half a pint of each variety should appease the future in-laws and my detractors.”  


“That sounds manageable,” Cas said with alarming calm.  


“Cas?”  


Cas glanced in his direction. “It seems the easiest way to end things peacefully,” he said. “Especially if we could do it at the bunker where Sam and Eileen can...supervise.” He turned back towards Samia. “We would have to blindfold you,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee.  


Her eyebrow disappeared beneath her scarf she raised it so quickly. “Beg pardon?”  


“If you leave your car here, we will take you back to the bunker where Sam and his partner Eileen will supervise,” Cas said. “You will be blindfolded. Dean, would you call Sam and let him know?”  


Dean stared at him for a moment before nodding belatedly and nudging Cas out of the way so that he could step outside and call Sam.  


Not shockingly, his little brother was dubious about the plan, but reluctantly agreed.  


And that was how Dean and Cas lead a blindfolded Djinn down into the bunker to one of the secure rooms that locked from the outside. Eileen had agreed to man the door while Sam on a straight backed chair that had been turned around. He rested his forearms on the top of the chair and watched. He had a silver dagger dipped in lambs blood, as well as Cas’ angel blade within reach and eyed Samia dubiously as she drew complex sigils on the floor with chalk around the three chairs that had been set up. She straightened and dropped the chalk into a little box before double checking the IV stands. “All right,” she said, motioning for Cas and Dean to sit as she poured something viscous into a little bowl filled with an assortment of reagents. Dean recognized a few, but most of them were foreign to him. There was a puff of blue smoke and then the air was filled with a pungent smell that reminded Dean of a hippie chick he’d spent a long weekend with. “The spell should allow me to replicate my fiance’s feeding habits,” she said and it could have been his imagination, but Dean thought that she sounded a little nervous. “I thought you two would probably want to get the bad dreams out of the way first.”  


“What are the sigils for?” Sam asked, his voice tight with worry. Dean knew that his brother was not thrilled with this plan, though he understood the utility.  


“They will allow Castiel and Dean to experience each other’s dreams,” Samia said. “The Observer will not be able to interact with the Dreamer, and the Dreamer will not remember that the Observer is there.” She gave a little shrug. “That’s the theory, anyway. I’ve never had cause to try it. I believe the idea was to create something of a...blend, if we were to compare it to cooking.”  


Dean made a face as he plopped down in the chair next to Cas and inserted Cas’ IV, letting the angel do the same for him. “Castiel, as my husband, you will be going first,” she said. 

Cas reached out and Dean took his hand, giving it what he hoped felt like a reassuring squeeze. 

“All right,” Cas said, settling back in his chair. “I am ready.” 

_Hold onto your butts,_ Dean thought, closing his eyes. He felt Samia’s hand close over where theirs were clasped and then- 

**** 

“Cas?” 

Castiel groaned, struggling to focus on the voice. He felt a pinch in his neck, then an unbelievable pain in his shoulders and then he was slumping to the ground. 

“CAS!” 

The voice was Dean’s, of course it was Dean’s. His partner was worried about him but why...why was his head so fuzzy? 

“Dean?” Cas groaned, struggling to open his eyes. 

“Hey,” Dean said and Cas felt Dean’s arm go around his shoulders. “Hey buddy, man it’s good to see you. I was scared we hadn’t gotten here in time.” 

Finally Cas managed to crack one eye open and found himself staring up into Dean’s eyes. Around them were several figures bound as he had been and out of the corner of his eye, Cas saw Sam going from person to person, checking for vital signs. “Dean,” he whispered, reaching for him. 

“Never do that again!” Dean said, catching Cas’ hand and draping it over his shoulders. 

“What….what did I do?” Cas asked with a groan as Dean helped him to his feet. 

“Don’t you remember?” Dean asked as Sam returned to them, giving a sad shake of his head. 

Castiel winced as his shoulders protested the movement and shook his head. “It...is all a blur,” he said. 

“We can catch you up later,” Sam said, giving Dean a look. “You need to rest.” 

“But-” 

“C’mon, buddy,” Dean said, easing Cas into the back seat of the Impala. “Lay down.” 

Cas found himself unable to argue, collapsing back and wincing as his body protested. His shoulders and wrists ached from having his arms bound over his head, and his head was pounding. He must have passed out, because he woke up outside the Bunker to Dean gently shaking his shoulder. 

“Cas?” 

“Dean?” 

There was an odd look on Dean’s face as he helped Cas sit up, then crouched in front of him. “How are you feeling?” he asked. 

“Tired,” Cas admitted. “And...sore. Dean…” 

“Cas,” Dean’s voice was low, but there was unmistakable hardness in his tone. “You and I need to talk, but I’m not gonna do this while you’re half out of it from a Djinn whammy. Get inside, get cleaned up, and go to bed. We’ll talk in the morning. I put your bag in your room.” 

“In my room?” Cas asked. _We are not sharing a room?_

“Yeah, Cas, your room,” Dean said impatiently, hauling Cas to his feet and leading him inside. “We kept it like it was, even after…” he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. They walked the rest of the way in silence as Cas tried desperately to understand what was going on. Dean didn’t put his arm around him, he didn’t even take his hand. Just walked next to him, not even touching until they reached the room that Cas stayed in. Dean opened the door and right away Cas saw that his stuffed Sue and Máximo were not in their usual places on his nightstands. 

Dean’s hand closed briefly on his shoulder. “Get some rest,” he said. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” 

“Can’t we talk now?” Cas asked, reaching for him. “I need to understand-” 

“Tomorrow,” Dean said firmly. “I’ll make pancakes. Goodnight, Cas.” He hesitated. “It’s good to have you back,” he said and for just a second there was something unfathomable in his eyes. Then he was gone. 

Cas undressed and showered mechanically before collapsing into bed. What had happened between them? He knew that he should rest. His body was exhausted. But after an hour of tossing and turning he knew it was pointless. He left his room and wandered to the library, unsurprised to find Sam poring over a book of lore. 

“Hey,” Sam said, half rising until Cas waved him down. 

Cas plopped down into the chair across from Sam. “Hello, Sam,” he said, clasping his hands on the table. 

“How are you feeling?” Sam asked. “Can I get you anything?” 

Cas shook his head. “Sam, since I woke up...I am feeling...confused.” 

“Yeah,” Sam said, nodding his head. “I bet, Cas. the Djinn...it does a number on your brain.” 

“Sam...I wanted to talk to you about Dean,” Cas blurted out. 

“Yeah…” Sam said, closing the book and leaning back. “Yeah...I thought that you might.” He ran his hands through his hair, then leaned forward, his forearms resting on the edge of the table. 

“Cas...first of all, I just want to tell you that I’m sorry. I never would have let you walk out of that door.” 

“I…-” 

“When Eileen and I heard the whole story...for what it’s worth, we didn’t talk to Dean for a month,” Sam said. “That you sacrificed yourself for him, that you told him what you did...that was brave, Cas. _Beyond_ brave.” 

_So that happened,_ Cas thought, doing his best to keep his expression neutral. 

“We were so glad Jack brought you back,” Sam said. “I know it was kind of a Chuck move but...well, home didn’t feel right without you, buddy.” 

Cas couldn’t help but smile at him, but Sam’s expression was a tortured one. 

“I’m sorry Dean reacted to your feelings like that,” Sam said quietly. 

Cas felt his insides abruptly turn to stone. “Yes,” he said, his throat raspy. 

“He never should have said those things,” Sam added. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Cas.” 

“I told him that I loved him,” Cas said. “And he did not reciprocate.” 

“That’s no excuse for calling you names,” Sam said firmly. “Or telling you to leave our home. You deserved better than that, from him of all people. If we’d been awake when that all went down...we would have kept you here.” 

“Thanks,” Cas said, forcing back the tears that threatened to spill over. He’d told Dean his feelings and Dean had rejected him whole-heartedly. 

_Of course it was all a dream,_ he thought, surprised at his own bitterness. _How could I ever think that he might feel for me as I do for him._

“Hey,” Sam said, his brow furrowing. “Cas...look, I love my brother, but he doesn’t deserve you crying over him after all these months.” 

“I am all right, Sam,” Cas said. 

“Cas-” 

“I think I am just...overtired,” Cas said. “It has been a difficult few days. I should go to bed.” 

“Wait,” Sam said, rising and coming around the table. He caught Cas in a tight hug. “I’m glad you’re back, Cas,” he said. 

“Thank you, Sam,” Cas said, patting his back awkwardly. 

Sam released him and stepped back, and Cas turned and hurried down to his room, doing his best to keep calm until the door shut behind him. He slid to the floor with his back against the door, staring blankly ahead. 

It had all been a dream. 

Dean reciprocating his feelings. 

The intimacy they had slowly built. 

Chicago. 

The Field Museum. 

Nevan. 

Movie night. 

All pathetic attempts by his brain to create the connection that he wanted so desperately but could never, _ever_ have. 

The nightstands look so empty without Sue and Máximo. 

“He never wanted me,” Cas whispered out loud, burying his face in his hands. Normally, normally Cas focused on the good. In his relationships with the Winchesters he had a family. He had a home. He had the freedom to do what he wanted. For years he forced himself to remember that every time he found himself longing to press his lips to Dean’s, or feel what it was like to have Dean hold him. 

But he _had_ felt those things. 

He had _felt_ them and they had been _real_ and now...how was he supposed to go on knowing that it had all been a trick? 

He didn’t remember crawling onto the bed. It felt so odd to be in bed alone now. 

_You never shared a bed with Dean,_ he told himself sternly as he buried his face in a pillow and let his tears fall. 

But the pillow didn’t hug him or press a kiss to his hair. 

The pillow didn’t call him “my angel”, or “babe”, or “sweetheart”. 

Never in his very long life had he felt so _lonely._ It would have been better if he’d never known what it felt like to kiss Dean or hear Dean say “I love you”. 

_You never have,_ came the treacherous thought as he clenched his eyes shut. 

He dreamed of the Field Museum, of he and Dean’s easy intimacy, of the picture that Fe had taken of the two of them. It had all felt so real. 

He should have known better. 

When he woke up it was to Dean’s knock on the door. “Cas?” 

“Hello Dean,” Cas said, sitting up with a wince. He was sore, but not as sore as he would have expected. 

“Can you get the door?” Dean asked. “My hands are kinda full.” 

Cas rose and shuffled to the door, opening to find Dean with two plates of pancakes and a thermos tucked under his arm. He shoved one of the plates towards Cas and Cas took it, returning to his bed and setting the plate on the comforter. Dean sat in his desk chair and poured coffee for the two of them. “I didn’t have enough hands for the syrup,” he said gruffly. “So it’s already on there with some butter. Hope it’s ok.” 

Cas took a bite and nodded, giving Dean a tentative smile. “It is very good, Dean. Thank you.” 

“I didn’t have that strawberry crap that you like,” Dean said. “You and Gabriel, man, must be an angel thing.” 

They ate in silence until their plates were empty and there was no further excuse not to speak. Cas lowered his fork and took a sip of coffee, glancing over at Dean under his eyelashes. 

Dean was sitting abnormally straight in the chair, assiduously avoiding looking at him. “Dean?” Cas said softly. 

Dean cleared his throat and turned, meeting Cas’ eyes with apparent effort. “Yeah,” he said, his shoulders sagging the way he did when he knew he was about to get bad news. “Listen...Cas, before you say anything...I gotta say that I’m sorry. I was a jackass.” 

Cas blinked, surprised. 

“I may not feel the way you do,” Dean said and though Cas wouldn’t have thought it was possible, his heart grew even heavier. “But I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. I’m sorry, Cas. I hope that you’ll come back for good.” 

Cas’ nails were digging into his palms as he struggled to keep his composure. He knew Dean, he knew his tells. He knew that the other man was being sincere. But it _hurt._

“Dean,” Cas said. “Dean...my feelings haven’t changed. I love you. Romantically.” 

Dean’s jaw tightened and Cas saw his fists tighten on his knees. “I wish you wouldn’t say that, Cas,” he said quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, looking down at his hands. 

_He was going to put a ring on it._

“I’m sorry that I reacted like I did,” Dean said. “You deserve better from me. I just...I’m not...I _can’t,_ Cas.” 

“I know,” Cas said, throttling down the surge of emotion. “It was wrong of me to bring it up.” 

“Cas,” Dean said quietly in a voice that was alarmingly close to how he spoke to Cas in bed. 

_I have never been in bed with him. I have no idea what he sounds like._

“Cas, I….I shouldn’t have reacted that way,” Dean said. “I hurt you.” 

“That is a part of the human experience, isn’t it?” Cas said and heard the bitterness in his own voice. “Love, loss, longing...all human things. Thanks to you, I have experienced it fully.” 

“Cas-” 

“I will go,” Cas said, deciding all at once. There was no place for him there anymore. He would be there if they needed him, he knew himself well enough to know that. But...he couldn't handle living with Dean without being with him. Perhaps an earlier iteration of himself, one who hadn’t known the simple joys of a quick kiss or holding Dean as he slept, would have taken that pain. But even if those things had been false memories...he could never forget them. And the idea of going on as though he hadn't known, even in some capacity, what it was to have Dean love him back...he thought that it might break him for good. 

“You don’t have to go!” Dean said, his voice cracking. “Cas, you’re my friend, my best friend. It hasn’t felt right here without you. I just-” 

“You cannot feel about me as I do about you,” Cas said. “And I do not fault you for that, Dean. But I also cannot spend the rest of my life pretending that I am not in love with you.” 

Dean winced, looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry, Cas,” he said after a long silence. 

“It is I who am sorry,” Cas said and heard the roughness in his voice. “I never should have said anything.” He rose abruptly, wincing. 

“You’re going to go now?” Dean asked, his expression miserable. 

Cas shrugged one shoulder. “No time like the present,” he said with false brightness. _I need to go. I need to go._ “Are Sam and Eileen up?” 

“Not yet,” Dean said, lurching to his feet and reaching out. 

Cas pulled back and saw Dean’s hand fall, a hopeless look on his face. 

“You’ll tell them goodbye for me, won’t you?” Cas asked. He was across the room and out the door before Dean shook off his shock enough to follow him, but Cas didn’t look back. 

And then he felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder. “Damn it, Cas! Will you just wait a second?” 

Cas froze, the sensation bringing back a flood of memories. 

No, not memories. 

Lies. 

Fantasies. 

It had never been real. 

“Let me go, Dean,” Cas said in a voice that shook. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes and he wanted to be gone before they fell. “I will always be your friend. You may always call upon me. I just...I have to go.” 

He felt Dean’s hand lift and he forced himself to begin moving forward again, though what he wanted was to whirl around and bury his face in Dean’s neck and feel the other man’s arms around him. 

But Dean wouldn’t hug him the way he did in Cas’ dream. It wouldn’t be the same. 

It would hurt too much. 

“I can’t convince you to stay?” Dean asked and the misery in his voice finally forced Cas to turn around. Dean’s stunning eyes were shiny and his jaw had that tightness that spoke of how hard he was working to keep his composure. 

Cas shook his head and Dean sighed, giving a resigned nod. Together they walked up the stairs and out the main door. There Dean fumbled with his wallet and pulled out a stack of bills. 

“That won’t be necessary,” Cas protested, but Dean shoved them into his hand. 

“Keep your phone on,” Dean said gruffly. 

“I will.” 

“Cas...I really am-” 

“I know,” Cas said, swallowing the lump in his throat. “It’s all right, Dean. Please be well.” Then, before Dean could say anything else, Cas took off. He did not pause very long in any one place, finding that changing his location frequently helped keep the sorrow at bay. It was during the quiet, still moments that he remembered the way it felt to have Dean touch him, or hold him. It was in the quiet moments that he heard Dean say: “I love you.” 

He checked his messages regularly, and made sure to apologize to Sam for leaving so abruptly. 

Sam said he understood and wished him well. 

Dean texted often, and Cas always made sure to text back, though he kept them short and…neutral. He hated being that way. He missed texting Dean that he loved him, or sharing silly things he saw, or some of their more...intimate messages. But he refrained. Instead he asked about Dean's hunts and about how Sam and Eileen were doing. It was when Dean was messaging about Sam proposing to Eileen that Cas realized that Dean was lonely. 

He knew better than to think it was a void that he could fill in any capacity, but as Sam and Eileen’s wedding drew closer, he thought he knew a way to help. 

And that was how he ended up in front of Lisa Braeden’s house. 

He was gentle in his approach to her, slowly removing the blocks that he had put on her memories. He explained all that had happened when that was done, occasionally showing her flashes of his own memories. She took it all with shocking grace, though her anger at Dean for making such a choice for her was a sight to behold. They spoke to Ben together, and then Cas warded both of them to the fullest extent that he could. 

“This is Dean’s current number,” he said, handing her a piece of paper. 

“Thank you,” she said, giving him an inquiring look. “Castiel...why are you doing this?” 

“He is a good man,” Cas said. “Who has saved the world countless times. And you are extremely dear to him.” 

She blushed and Cas made himself smile. “I’ll call him,” she said. “Thank you, Castiel.” 

When his phone buzzed a couple of hours later, he wasn’t surprised. 

“Call me.” 

Cas sighed and hit Dean’s number. However, when Dean answered, instead of the rage he was expecting, he could hear in Dean’s voice that the other man had been crying. 

“Cas,” Dean said in a soft, ragged voice. “She wants me back, Cas.” He let out a rough little laugh. “I’m not going to walk straight for a week for how she tore me a new one, but...what you did for me...for us…I-” 

“I was glad to do it, Dean,” Cas said. “I warded the two of them to the best of my abilities.” 

“Cas,” Dean said softly in a voice that made Cas’ breath catch in his throat. “Thank you.” 

**** 

"CAS? CAS?" 

Cas came awake all of a sudden, jerking upright in his chair and wincing when the IV in his arm tugged. “Dean?” 

Dean was on his knees in front of him, tears streaking down his face. “Hey,” he said in a rough voice. “Hey, c’mon Cas, it's all right.” 

Across from them, Samia rose, an understanding expression on her face. “Why don’t I give you two a minute,” she said. 

Samia. Samia was the Djinn queen. His wife. The ritual. Could he allow himself to hope? 

“You ok, Cas?” Sam’s voice said from somewhere in the distance. 

“Yes,” Cas managed to say. 

“I’ll be right outside,” Sam said. 

Cas heard the door shut and then for a moment silence. Then Dean was gently pulling him to his feet and into a tight embrace. “I’ve got you,” Dean said. “We don’t have to keep going, baby, it’s all right.” 

Hearing Dean call him “baby” broke something inside Cas and he found himself bursting into tears as he sagged against Dean. “Is this real?” he managed to grit out. “DEAN, is it real?” 

“Yeah,” Dean said, his arms tightening. “It’s real, Cas. I’m real. This is. You’ve gotta know that I’d never do that to you.” 

Cas felt Dean pull back and then the other man’s hands were framing his face. “I love you, Castiel,” he said firmly. “I love you. This, you and me, it’s real.” 

Cas felt his stomach heave and he only just managed to lurch away from Dean and get most of his vomit into the trash. He stood over it panting and felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder. “It’s all right, baby,” Dean said gently. “It’s all right, just get it all out. Sam? Sammy!” 

Cas heard the door open and then Sam’s muffled oath. “What the hell is happening to him?” Sam asked Samia. 

Cas felt another pair of hands on his shoulder and then smelled Eileen’s perfume. “You need to rest,” she signed. 

“I...I can only guess,” Samia said and her voice sounded very far away. “It might have something to do with him being an angel. They tend to...believe in things absolutely, yes? Maybe that made my...my powers more effective on him?” 

“Dean?” Cas whispered, feeling the strength going out of his limbs. “Dean?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how dark these chapters are, but lightness is coming! We still need to explore Dean's nightmare, and then we will be back to fluff.
> 
> After tomorrow I am on vacation until January 4th, so I am hoping to get lots of writing done!
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope that everyone is enjoying this, even though it got sad.


	13. Wanderers in a Shadowed Land

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean comforts Cas after his nightmare and then has one of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING: Torture, PTSD**
> 
> Seriously guys, we see Darkside Dean in this one and the torture is why this chapter took me an age to write. Wait a few days for the companion fluff chapter if you don't have the spoons for the darkness today.
> 
> Song title is from "The Farewell Song of Merry and Pippin" from Fellowship of the Ring.

Dean sat in Cas’ usual chair, looking over at where Cas was tossing restlessly on Dean’s bed. It had been nearly 36 hours since Cas had come out of Samia’s dream and Cas had been the most out of it Dean had seen him in a very long time. It had taken both Sam and Eileen to restrain him from attacking Samia out of hand when Cas’ legs had given out, and even now he knew that both of them were between him and the Djinn.  


Intellectually, Dean knew that he was not being entirely reasonable. Samia had seemed as shocked as the rest of them when Cas collapsed.  


But his brain was not running the ship at the moment. His heart, full of panic, was. It had been nearly 36 hours and Cas was still out. Samia said all they could do was let it run its course. But how long was that gonna take?  


_She hurt him,_ was the loudest thought. _She hurt him._ He had wanted to put a blade covered in lambs blood into her heart for the abject hopelessness that her ritual had put on Cas’ face.  


And then...then there was everything that Dean had _seen._  


_I rejected him,_ Dean thought miserably. _That was the idea that freaked him out the worst. That'd I'd rejected him and everything we’ve built was a lie. Fuck me sideways, I don’t deserve him._  


Cas shifted on the bed and instantly Dean was at his side, taking Cas’ hand and holding it as the angel’s eyes flickered open.  


Dean could have cried when Cas finally looked at him. “Hey,” he said as gently as he could. “Hey, baby, how are you? Are you back?”  


“Dean?” Cas said in a voice that sounded like he’d been gargling rocks. He went to sit up, but Dean put a hand on his shoulder.  


“Easy,” Dean said. “Easy, Cas. Just relax.”  


“My head,” Cas groaned, sinking back against the pillows. The motion jostled Sue and Máximo from where Dean had put them by Cas’ head and Cas jumped a little as Sue’s nose bumped into his cheek. The angel reached out with a hand that shook and picked up the stuffed dinosaurs, hugging them to his chest, his lips wobbling as tears began to track down his face. “Sue,” he whispered. “Máximo. The museum...it happened? It really happened?”  


“I thought it might help to have them here,” Dean said, stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Yeah, it really happened, Cas. The museum, our date, all of it. It was real. _We_ are real.”  


Cas didn’t respond for a second, snuggling his face into the stuffed dinosaurs. “Do you still love me, Dean?” he asked in a soft, broken little voice.  


“C’mere,” Dean said, reaching for him and doing his best to force down the tears that threatened. “Of course I love you, Castiel. I never stopped.”  


“You...you want to hold me?” Cas asked, his lip wobbling just a little. Dean swore he felt his heart break at how desperately uncertain Cas sounded.  


“Damn straight I want to hold you,” Dean said softly. “How else am I going to comfort my boyfriend?”  


Cas’ eyes were huge as he looked up at Dean and the naked, raw hope in them had Dean’s eyes burning. “Boyfriend?”  


“Unless you’d rather I say ‘partner’,” Dean said, cupping Cas’ cheek. “I know ‘boyfriend’ is a little juvenile for you.”  


Cas leaned into his touch like he was starved for it, his eyes never leaving Dean’s. “I love you,” he whispered, then bit his lip, dropping his eyes. “I’m sorry, I-”  


Dean kissed him back a little harder than he’d intended, aching to wipe the uncertainty from Cas’ expression. Cas lurched forward with a sob, his arms going around Dean’s neck so hard that he almost knocked Dean back off of the bed. Dean smiled into the kiss, tightening his arms around Cas and rubbing his palms in slow, gentle circles on the angel’s back. “I love you too,” he said against Cas’ lips. “I never stopped, do you understand?”  


“Is it real?” Cas whispered.  


Dean pulled back a little and brushed his thumbs over Cas’ cheeks, wiping away the tears that were trickling down. His snarky remark died on his lips at the sight of the fear on Cas’ face. “I promise,” he said, pressing another kiss to Cas’ lips. “I promise it’s real, Cas. I love you.”  


Cas let out a shuddering breath and kissed him back hard, his hands sliding down and sliding under the bottom hem of Dean’s tshirt.  


“Please?” Cas whispered, giving the shirt a gentle tug. “I...I just want to feel your skin against mine.”  


Dean nodded and let Cas take off his shirt before tenderly pulling Cas’ over his head. Then he pulled his angel against himself, slowly easing them both down onto the bed.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered, snuggling under Dean’s chin. He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Dean.”  


“I’ve got you, Cas,” Dean said, kissing Cas’ hair as he stroked his fingertips up and down Cas’ arm. “You’re here with me, you’re home.”  


Cas lips brushed over the underside of Dean’s jaw and Dean found himself tilting his head down to catch them with his own. Cas let out a soft moan into the kiss, his tongue flicking out. Dean parted his lips and accepted him, moaning as the kiss deepened. Cas’ arms were tight around him as the angel rolled back, pulling Dean on top of him. He let out a soft sigh, one of his hands sliding up into Dean’s hair.  


“Is this helping?” Dean asked, rubbing his nose against Cas’.  


Cas nodded, his eyes tightly closed as he breathed deeply.  


Dean was content to stay there, running his fingers through Cas’ hair and kissing him softly for as long as Cas needed to feel grounded and safe. But beneath him he felt Cas moving restlessly as the angel’s hands tightened on his back.  


“Dean?” Cas said in the quiet, needy voice that always went straight to Dean’s cock.  


“What is it, Cas?” Dean asked, kissing the corner of Cas’ lips. “What do you need?”  


“You,” Cas said immediately.  


“You’ve got me,” Dean said.  


Cas kissed him hard, both of his arms wrapping around Dean with intensity that startled him. “I need you,” Cas whispered against his lips and there was a note of panic in his voice. “Please, Dean.”  


“What can I do, Cas?” Dean asked, doing his best to ignore his body’s response to Cas’ breathy whisper.  


Cas looked up at him, his eyes wide and shining with tears. “Dean...will you...Will you…” he bit his lip, his cheeks flushing. “Will you make love to me?” he asked in a voice that was barely audible.  


_Sweet merciful fuck,_ Dean thought as his cock immediately tried to answer for him. After everything he had witnessed, after seeing Cas looking so lost and broken, after seeing how even after Dean had broken his heart the angel still did his best to make Dean happy….he wanted to give Cas everything.  


But was he ready? Would he do more harm than good if he did as Cas asked?  


_I kicked him out, I kicked him out and called him names and he **still** did his best to make my life better._  


“Cas,” he managed to whisper. “Cas you’ve just been through a lot I don’t...I don’t want to take advantage.” He looked down and caught the fear that flickered across Cas’ face. “It isn’t that I don’t want you,” he hurried to say. “You’ve gotta be able to feel how much I do. I just...this is big, Cas. I don’t want to hurt you.” He let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “And I...I’ve never done...that with a man before. I don’t want your first time to be terrible.”  


“It never could be,” Cas said. “Not between us.”  


“Baby,” Dean said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. _He’s so sweet._  


“We don’t have to,” Cas said immediately. “I just...I-I” he trailed off, taking a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked, I just-”  


“Easy,” Dean said, running his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Easy. You didn’t do anything wrong, Cas.” He leaned down and gave Cas a deep, sloppy kiss. “You can always ask,” he growled against the angel’s lips once they were both breathless. He rocked his hips, grinding his cock against where Cas was also hard. “And I hope you can feel how bad I want you, Cas. That’s never a question. I want you so bad it is taking every bit of self-control I’ve got not to take you up on your offer.”  


Cas let out a ragged gasp, his eyes huge. Looking down at him, Dean could see that the angel’s pupils were utterly blown out and his lips were parted as he looked up at Dean. “So why don’t you?” he asked in the needy, breathy voice that Dean was nearly powerless against. “I trust you, Dean.”  


_He looks drunk,_ Dean realized, looking down. “Cas,” he said gently, cupping Cas’ face with both hands and leaning his forehead against the angel’s. “Soon,” Dean promised, kissing Cas’ lips. “I promise, baby, soon. You just...I don’t think that you’re quite yourself right now. I want our first time to happen when we’re both at 100%, all right?” He reached up and gave Cas’ hair a gentle tug, surprising a gasp out of his angel. “And before you ask, this does _not_ mean that I don’t want you. I’m just trying to protect you.”  


Cas’ eyes searched his for a long moment before giving a little nod. Dean rolled to the side and pulled Cas against him, grabbing Sue and Máximo and pressing them into Cas’ arms. He held his angel until his breath began to grow even, then closed his own eyes. He was the luckiest man in the world.

****

“How...saccharine.”  


Ripping pain in his right shoulder, burning, aching, _pulling._  


_Agony_ at his wrists and ankles that writhes and cuts and threatens to pull him apart.  


White hot pain in his belly, like something has reached in and begun to rip and tear.  


He blinks his eyes open and closes them again with a sob of anguish. He recognizes the red haze, the smoke, the miles and miles and endless miles of barbed wire.  


The same wire that wraps around his wrists and ankles, holding him suspended over an unknowable abyss.  


He is in hell.  


_Castiel._  


The word, the name is on his lips because he remembers being saved, being pulled from Hell and brought back to Earth. They had won. They had beaten the Devil. Beaten _God._ Castiel... _his_ Cas had been brought back to him and they were in love. Sam and Eileen. The bunker.  


_Cas?_  


“How...saccharine.”  


And now Dean is falling, plummeting down until he strikes the stones so hard that it robs him of his breath. He curls on his side, struggling to breathe through the pain.  


He knows the voice, he realizes.  


Alistair.  


_No, no no no no no no_  


“Oh yes,” Alistair says, smiling. They are in a dark, wet little room. A dungeon. “Did you really think that you had escaped me, Dean? That you had escaped _Hell_ to go and have your little...apple pie life with an _angel_ of all things? Did you really think that after thirty years I would just...let you go?”  


_No, no no no I got out, I got out, I-_  


“This is Hell, Dean,” Alistair said and it almost sounded like there was pity in his voice. “No one gets out.”  


Alistair’s boot connects with his chest and Dean cries out as the blows begin to rain down. Normally he fights at this point, he remembers. He quips. He acts less scared than he is.  


But he had gotten _out._  


He had been _free._  


He had been _loved._  


The angel.  


Castiel. _His_ Castiel had told him that he was more than a weapon.  


_You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are._  


“It’s a nice thought,” Alistair says and Dean hears the sound of a blade on a whetstone and then his back is screaming with agony as Alistair begins to flay him. “But you and I both know that it’s not true. You belong here, Dean. With us.”  


Dean feels the tears falling wet and hot down his cheeks. Fuck, he is so tired.  


“It’s been thirty years, Dean,” Alistair says. “Thirty years you have fought against the truth of your nature. Thirty years of me shredding you to pieces and putting you back together again. All because of your stubborn refusal to do what you were meant to do.”  


The pain abruptly stops and the knife lands next to Dean’s head. He hears the sound of metal against metal and then muffled sobbing.  


“Go ahead,” Alistair says. “Apply some of what I’ve taught you.”  


“Go fuck yourself,” Dean whispers and wonders how much longer he can keep fighting.  


“Suit yourself.”

“Why do grown-ups have to be all….blech!” Fe’s childlike disgust, the picture she had taken of Dean with Cas. Dinner, showering together, the first time they made love. Wedding bells. Wedding bells, dancing under strings of lights surrounded by people who loved them and were excited to see them finally tie the knot. Their wedding night, holding each other, having each other, safe, comforted loved-

Ripping pain in his right shoulder, burning 

aching, _pulling._  


Agony at his wrists and ankles that 

writhes and 

cuts and threatens to 

pull him apart.  


White hot pain in his belly, like something has reached into his belly and begun to 

_rip_ and _tear._  


He blinks his eyes open and closes them again with a sob of anguish. He recognizes the red haze, the smoke, the miles and miles and endless miles of barbed wire.  


The same wire that wraps around his wrists and ankles, holding him suspended over an unknowable abyss.  


He is 

in hell.  


Castiel.  


The word, the name is on his lips because he remembers being saved, being pulled from Hell and brought back to Earth. They had won. They had beaten the Devil. Beaten God. Castiel... _his_ Cas had 

been brought back to him and they were in love. Sam and Eileen. 

The bunker.  


_Cas?_  


“How...saccharine.”  


And now Dean is falling, plummeting down until he 

_strikes_ the stones so hard that it robs him of his breath. He curls on his side, struggling to breathe through the pain.  


Saying no again. And again. And again.  


Alistair mixing agony with warm, gentle visions of a future he could _never_ have.  


A future where he was more than a weapon.  


More than an instrument of death.  


Where he was _loved._  


Where he _was_ love.  


Over and over and over until finally Dean _breaks._  


“No more,” he sobs into the stone after watching himself and Castiel holding Sam and Eileen’s twins for the first time. “I can’t. Please.”  


“Are you ready?” Alistair asks.  


“Yes,” Dean whispers. “Yes. I’m ready. Just please make it stop.”

And Alistair does.  


And so Dean’s new life begins. He is the instrument of pain and misery that he was born to be. He tortures the souls that Alistair gives him and over time...he realizes he is good at it. That he _enjoys_ it.  


Every day he feels the patina on his soul growing more undeniable.  


He is turning into a demon.  


And then one day, an odd sound that he hears over his own whetstone. A vast rush of wings.  


And then he’s in agony again as a hand touches his shoulder.  


“Dean.”  


The voice is familiar, achingly familiar and Dean drops his knife and covers his ears because the voice is from the dreams that Alistair used to break him.  


He refuses to think the name.  


“It is time to go.”  


“Leave me alone!” Dean growls, unable to turn and meet the eyes. Those eyes. The deep, deep blue eyes.  


_Home._  


“It wasn’t real.”  


“Dean, we have to go now,” the angel says. “We don’t have much time-”  


“You have no time.”  


And Dean is whirling around to see Alistair and a group of demons smiling as they surround the angel in a trenchcoat.  


Castiel holds his angel blade, his lips _I remember those lips_ set in a grim line. He fights like the warrior he is, but he is overwhelmed and dragged away.  


Alistair comes for him later and brings him to see his would-be rescuer and despite all he has seen in Hell, Dean hears his moan of dismay and fear as they enter the room where the angel is held.  


Castiel has been strung up with great hooks through his shoulders and the barbed wire that Dean knows too well at his ankles and wrists. He sees glowing sigils upon it and knows that it is meant to hold an angel. He hears a rustle that sounds like feathers and his gaze travels up from the bleeding body, the body he has loved and held and no-  


No. it wasn’t real.  


His eyes travel up and see glowing wings of pearly white that look utterly at odds with the dark and rust and the unmitigated ugliness of Hell. The wings have hooks through them as well, dozens of them, pinning them in place even as they rustle and struggle to get free.  


Castiel is breathing hard and Dean almost gasps out loud when the angel’s eyes meet his.  


“Dean,” he whispers in a voice that stirs something terrified and lonely and _human_ within Dean. “Help me.”  


“The boss wants his wings,” Alistair says. “Thinks they would look quite nice over the throne. I told him that you would be glad to do the honors.”  


“Little gauche don’t you think?” Dean manages to quip because something in him rebels at the thought of despoiling something so pure. But something else...the part of him that has yawned further and further open into a great, dark maw...that part _relishes_ the idea.  


Alistair raises an eyebrow. “If you don’t think you’re ready, I can let the others enjoy him for awhile,” he says. “To have something as sweet as an angel...the things that they will _do_ to him. The ways they will ravish and ruin him...it will be quite a treat.” He shrugs. “Given your dreams, I thought that you might like having first dibs.”  


“Dean...please,” the angel whispers, and Dean can hear the fear in his voice. 

Dean knows true fear now. He knows hopelessness and pleading. The angel knows he is a dead man.  


“So...throw him to the wolves?” Alistair says. “Or will you do what you do best?”  


_You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are._  


Dean goes to the wall where countless blades are held, casting his eyes back and forth until they land on a thin boning knife. The blade is longer than one would use for conventional game. Almost as though it was made for torturing angels.  


“Dean!” the angel struggles in his bonds, tearing his wounds as he eyes the blade. As Dean holds it up he can see the Enochian carved into the blade.  


It _was_ meant for torturing angels.  


“Dean! It’s not too late!” the angel says. “It’s not too late! You can stop this! You can be free! You can-”  


And then his voice is lost in a scream of agony as Dean makes the first cut. The angel thrashes away from him, his eyes wide and terrified as Dean ruthlessly separates muscle and sinew from bone. 

Further and further he goes until he can see the joints and he forces himself to ignore the angel’s whimpers as he selects a clever and separates them. There is a loud “thump” and one of the angel’s wings drops to the ground onto the tarp that Alistair has laid.  


_You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are._  


Dean grits his teeth, ignoring the angel’s sobbing as he repeats the process on the other side. He is efficient. And soon the other wing lies with its twin, the dark blood at odds with the pearly white of the feathers.  


“No,” the angel whimpers raggedly. “No...my...my wings-”  


“You shouldn’t have come here,” Dean says gruffly as Alistair's underlings wrap the wings up and take them away.  


“How _could_ you?” the angel asks. “I came to save you, Dean. How could you do this-”  


“No one asked you to save me,” Dean says.  


The bloody stumps of the angel’s wings jerk as the man’s eyes snap up, huge and blue and wild with agony and fury. “Just kill me,” he spits.  


Dean ignores the flicker of something...weak. Something human. “We’ll get there,” he says instead, picking up the thin, flexible knife that Alistair taught him to use to flay someone alive.  


“I thought that you were worth saving,” Castiel pants as Dean makes the first cut. “But I was wrong. I was wrong, Dean. There is nothing left to save.” He screams as Dean flicks the knife. “Dean!”

“Dean?”  


Dean jerked upright and found himself gagging so hard that it made his ribs hurt. Cas was there with the trash, holding it with one hand and resting the other on Dean’s shoulder. Dean was noisily sick for what felt like an eternity before he collapsed back against the chair, accepting a glass of water from Sam.  


“Well that fucking sucked,” he panted.  


“Why don’t we take a break,” Samia said. “Regroup tomorrow.”  


“I think that would be best,” Cas said. He slid an arm underneath Dean’s shoulders and gently pulled him to his feet.  


Dean didn’t really remember the slow trudge back to his room, but the next thing he knew he was collapsing onto his bed with Cas next to him. “I need a drink,” he grumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.  


He heard the clink of a bottle against a glass and then caught a whiff of Johnny Walker Blue. “You are an angel,” he whispered to Cas.  


He heard Cas’ gentle chuckle and then felt the angel’s cool hands on the base of his scalp.  


“That one didn’t seem to hit you as hard,” Dean said, leaning into Cas’ touch.  


“It was not my nightmare,” Cas said gently. “On the other hand, it seems to have hit you much harder than mine did.”  


“Yeah,” Dean said. He took a sip of whisky and let out an appreciative sigh at the burn. “You could say it was Hell.”  


He felt Cas take the glass from his hand and heard him place it on the table. “Dean,” Cas said. “Please just...talk to me instead of hiding behind humor.”  


Dean gritted his teeth, clenching his eyes shut hard. He was quiet for a moment. “What is there to say, Cas?” he said softly. “I tortured you. I took your wings. I…”  


Dean was almost knocked over as the familiar rushing sound filled the room. He felt something brush against his cheek and for a moment he could have sworn that his desk lamp cast the shadow of huge, angelic wings on the wall.  


“My wings are fine,” Cas said, cupping his cheeks with his cool hands and giving Dean a tender kiss on the lips. “As am I.”  


“He broke me, Cas,” Dean said after a moment. “He broke me. I...became one of them and I tortured you.”  


“He tortured you for thirty years,” Cas said. “It took an inhuman amount of time and effort to break you, both in your nightmare and in real life.”  


“That doesn’t excuse-”  


“I am not saying that it does,” Cas said. “But you have atoned for what happened in Hell, Dean. You are a good man.” He kissed Dean again and Dean could feel his angel smiling into the kiss.  


“What?” Dean asked, pulling back to look at him. “Why are you smiling?”  


“Dean,” Cas said, looking at him from under his eyelashes. “You are so protective of me, so worried about me being hurt...Sometimes I think that you forget just what I was. What I _am._ ”  


“And what’s that?” Dean said in his snarkiest tone, hoping to get some kind of rise out of Cas.  


Cas’ lips curled into a cocky smile that robbed Dean of his breath and had his cock making a spirited effort to return to form. “I’m an angel, you ass.” For a moment his glorious eyes blazed. “The demons guarding you were no match for me.”  


“Castiel,” Dean whispered and the name tasted so sweet on his lips. “You’re _my_ angel is what you are. C’mere.”  


Cas grinned and kissed him, knocking him back on the bed, pinning his arms over his head. “Yours, eh?” he asked, cocking his head. The normally adorable gesture was almost predatory as Cas smiled down at him.  


“Mine,” Dean said, needing to push.  


Cas’ mouth was hot and insistent on his neck as the angel leaned in and sucked hard enough to leave a mark. “And yet it is _I_ who am marking you,” Cas mused, and Dean could hear the smile in his voice. “As mine.”  


“Yours?” Dean managed to rasp as Cas kissed him on his collarbone, following it with a nip.  


“Mine, Dean.” 

Dean groaned as Cas brushed his hand over his cock.  


“Cas!” Dean couldn’t help but laugh breathlessly and then groan as Cas released him and instead pulled his head against his chest. “But not tonight,” the angel said.  


Dean let out a frustrated moan and felt the rumble of Cas’ chuckle against his ear.  


“You would not lie with me after my ordeal,” Cas said gently. “I owe you the same.” His lips were soft against Dean’s forehead. “It does not mean I don’t want you. I am just trying to protect you.”  


“You always are,” Dean whispered, tilting his face up to catch Cas’ lips with his own. To his horror, he felt tears in his eyes that began to trickle down his face.  


He could still see Cas hanging in Hell. He could feel his knife cutting, hear Cas’ whimpers of pain and fear. “Cas...I’m sorry.”  


“I know,” Cas whispered, his arms tightening around Dean. “But you have nothing to be sorry for, Dean. It was a nightmare.”  


“Parts of it really happened," Dean said miserably. "Alistair did break me eventually.”  


“You have to stop punishing yourself, Dean,” Cas said in a quiet, gentle voice.  


Dean closed his eyes and snuggled into Cas’ chest. _Easy for you to say,_ he almost retorted, then didn’t because he knew that Cas was as given towards self-flagellation as he himself was. “I get why you were so freaked,” Dean said after a few moments of silence. “I’m having trouble shaking it.” He shuddered. “I can still...smell it,” he said. “I can feel the chains, Cas. I can feel the...the _break_ inside of me between what was human and what I became.”  


“You are not there anymore,” Cas said. He paused, then sat up. “Come here,” Cas said, scooting back against the headboard.  


Dean did as he asked, resting his head against Cas’ shoulder. He felt Cas’ hands in his hair, stroking gently.  


“You are home, Dean,” Cas said. Dean felt him move and then Cas was pressing his stuffed Sue into Dean’s hands. “Here. Cuddle the dinosaur.”  


“I’m having Hell flashbacks and your advice is to ‘cuddle the dinosaur’?” Dean asked, nonetheless taking Sue and giving her a little hug.  


“She is a reminder of how far we have come,” Cas said, his lips brushing against Dean’s cheek.  


Dean melted back against his angel, turning and burying his face in Cas’ neck and, well, cuddling the dinosaur. “Thanks, Cas,” he said.  


“You did the same for me,” Cas said, tightening his arms around Dean.  


“It’s been a hell of a ride to find each other,” Dean mused. “We’ve seen a lot of shit.”  


“The important thing is that we found each other,” Cas said. “See? Good things do happen.”  


Dean turned and smiled up at him. “You said that the night we met.”  


“You remember,” Cas said, leaning down and nuzzling behind Dean’s ear.  


Dean reached back, running his fingers through Cas’ hair as he turned and kissed him. “You blew out all the lights in the barn,” he teased. “Hard to forget.” He turned a little so that he could look up at Cas.  


“I can’t say I’m sorry that I made an impression,” Cas said.  


Dean snorted. “Understatement.”  


Cas raised an eyebrow, the corner of his lip curling upwards in an expression that raised goosebumps on Dean’s arms. “As I recall,” he said, pulling Dean against him and taking hold of his chin. “You stabbed me upon our first meeting.”  


“Did I make an impression?” Dean asked, unable to take his eyes off of Cas’ lips.  


“Understatement,” Cas growled and then his lips were on Dean’s and the two of them were tumbling down into bed together, kissing furiously. They were both breathing hard when Cas finally pulled back, looking down at Dean. “Though to be fair, it wasn’t really our first meeting.” He said, blushing. “I think I began to fall for you the moment I first laid my hand upon you.”  


Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, rubbing the small of his back to hear the happy little sound that Cas always made when he did. “You can’t be serious,” he said, feeling his own cheeks warming.  


Cas shrugged. “You forget that I...I can see a man’s soul, Dean, when I look at them.”  


“You saw that and wanted _in_?” Dean said, his eyes fixed on Cas’ lips so that he wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes.  


“Yes,” Cas said simply. “I saw your strength, your loyalty, and how hard you were trying to keep even a shred of your humanity. It was compelling. I was...intrigued. You were beautiful.” He kissed Dean’s cheek. “You _are_ beautiful.”  


“You’re crazy,” Dean said, shaking his head. Inwardly though, his heart felt like it was about to explode out of his chest like something out of a cartoon.  


“It has been said,” Cas replied, grinning at him. “Though I stand by my statement. You are beautiful.”  


“Shaddup,” Dean said, kissing Cas hard.  


“Beautiful,” Cas said against his lips and Dean could feel him smiling. Cas’ lips left his and Dean moaned as the angel kissed down his neck and chest, pushing his shirt up. The touch of Cas’ lips against Dean’s belly were feather-light and Dean ran his hand through Cas’ hair. “Beautiful,” Cas murmured against Dean’s belly, flicking his tongue just below Dean’s belly button. He looked up and when Dean met his eyes he heard himself gasp at the intensity in the angel’s gaze.  


“I don’t deserve that,” Dean whispered, reaching down to caress Cas’ cheek. He swallowed hard, the scent of brimstone and sulfur suddenly hitting him. “I don’t deserve you, Cas. How can you possibly say that about me when I am as fucked up as I am? I don’t-”  


Cas’ weight was comforting on top of him as the angel stretched out and kissed him, shaking his head. “You deserve everything, Dean Winchester,” he breathed. “And if it takes the rest of eternity, I will make you see it.”  


Cas rolled to the side, pulling Dean until they were spooning with Cas holding him. “I love you,” Cas said. “With all of my heart, Dean. I wouldn’t change you.” Dean felt the huff of the angel’s breath on the back of his neck as Cas let out a little laugh. “Beyond perhaps making you less of a blanket hog, that is.”  


Dean grumbled and Cas kissed his cheek.  


“Rest, babe,” Cas said. There was a silence and then Dean heard the angel sigh. “Why does it sound awkward when I say it?” he said and Dean could hear him frowning.  


Dean grinned, snuggling back against his angel. “Being suave was never exactly your strong suit,” he teased.  


Cas’ lips brushed against the back of his ear as his hand slid up and under the front of Dean’s shirt. “Perhaps not,” he breathed. “But you do not seem to mind when it counts.”  


Dean shuddered and placed his hand over Cas’ where it was splayed across his belly. “Lucky for you I’m easy,” he said and moaned when Cas flicked his tongue against the outer shell of his ear.  


“I am indeed lucky,” Cas said. “Now in all seriousness, Dean, you need to rest. That is what helped me after my ordeal. We can talk more in the morning.”  


The exhaustion was weighing down on him, making his eyelids heavy. “I love you, Cas,” Dean said, closing his eyes and relaxing back into Cas’ arms. “Thank you for the whole ‘gripping me tight’ thing.”  


Cas gave him a gentle squeeze. “I always will.” His smile was the last thing Dean heard as he fell asleep. "However you need me to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this was an engaging read, despite being dark. Next chapter is gonna be just...so much fluff and should hopefully be up shortly. This one took a minute to write because I kept having to take breaks. Hopefully the comfort in this one helped mitigate the darkness a little. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Happy Holidays! <3 
> 
> ~SLN


	14. My Mind Was Aching, and We Were Making It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas work through some of the feelings following their respective nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, Torture, Internalized Homophobia**
> 
> Otherwise, y'all this chapter is just smut. I thought our boys needed a respite after the last chapter and this is where that led me. I hope that you enjoy!
> 
> Title is from "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC

_Dean let out a sleepy hum as Cas nuzzled into the back of his neck and smiled as the angel tightend his arms around him. He reached behind himself and brushed his palm over where the angel was already beginning to harden against his ass and felt his cock twitch as Cas let out a soft murmur of appreciation._  


_“Dean.”_  


_“You feel so good, baby,” Dean whispered, stroking his hand up and down. “I love you so much.”_  


_“I love you too,” Cas breathed. “Dean...I need you to have me. I need to feel you inside me. Please just take me.”_  


_“Ok, baby,” Dean whispered, rolling over and nudging Cas onto his back. The angel’s naked skin felt so good against his. “I promise I’ll take good care of you.”_  


_Cas looked up, his gorgeous eyes were wide, his full lips parted. “Dean!”_  


_Dean smiled at the angel, reaching down and wrapping his hand around Cas’ throat. The angel’s eyes widened, but he didn’t pull away, didn’t fight. So damn trusting, right up until the last. “I’ve got you, baby,” he whispered. “I’ve got you. You’re so good. My angel.”_  


_Cas moaned and then let out an awful, plaintive scream as Dean ripped the knife up and sliced through his wing. “DEAN!”_  


_“Shhhh, Baby,” Dean said, leaning down and kissing Cas’ lips. “Shhhh, I’ve got you.” The other wing was easier and then the man beneath him was helpless, bound, his eyes wide and terrified and no longer trusting as Dean smiled down at him. “Now I want you to listen, **angel** ,” he growled. “I am going to do whatever I like and if you have the sense that God gave you, you’ll shut up and take it.”_  


_“Dean...please...don’t.”_  


_He likes it when they beg._  


_He **likes** it._  


_He likes-_  


_How...saccharine._

“GODDAMN IT, NO!”  


Dean thrashed out of the bedsheets with a wail of disgust and shame and horror and overbalanced, falling from the bed and to the floor. He lay there, panting, as a familiar tousled head peeked over the edge of the bed.  


“Dean?”  


“Get away from me!” Dean gasped, swiping blindly at the tears that trickled down his face. “Get away! Get away! I don’t want to hurt you!”  


“Dean,” Cas’ voice was gentle as the angel slid from the bed and crouched next to him.  


“NO, CAS!” Dean scrambled backwards, thunking his head on his desk in his rush to put his back to the wall. “NO! DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME, DON’T YOU DO IT, DON’T YOU-”  


“Dean,” Cas said and it sounded like home.  


“I’ll only hurt you,” Dean rasped as the tears began to flow. “I’ll only hurt you, Cas. Just let me fucking go, please.”  


“No,” Cas said simply, plopping down next to him. The angel didn’t touch him, didn’t move, just...sat there.  


“Cas-”  


“I’ll wait here,” Cas said, glancing at him under his eyelashes.  


“I don’t deserve you, Cas,” Dean whispered, burying his face in his hands. “I don’t, I _don’t_. I’m a fucking _monster_ and I don’t fucking deserve you.”  


“You are my partner,” Cas said firmly. “And I choose you, exactly as you are. Forever.”  


“NO!” Dean staggered to his feet, away from the understanding eyes of his angel. “NO! Damn it, Cas, damn it! You don’t know what-”  


“What truly lies within you?” Cas asked, rising as well. “What is within your heart, Dean? Within your _soul?_ ” The angel’s eyes narrowed as he shook his head slowly. “Do you really think that you could _scare_ me?” Cas hissed.  


Dean lunged at the angel, grabbing him by the shirt and pinning him to the wall. “Maybe I _should!_ ” he snarled. “Maybe you should be afraid of the man who Alistair said had fucking _promise._ Who _liked_ torturing souls in Hell. Maybe you should be scared of the man who might have cut off your fucking _wings_ , given the opportunity.”  


The lights flickered and suddenly great shadows were cast upon the wall as Cas narrowed his eyes and shoved Dean backwards. “Try me,” Cas growled, glaring up into his eyes, his own the color of polar ice. “Dean...I have often faulted you for your lack of faith but this...this is just _hubris_.” Cas cocked his head, his eyebrow going up as his lip curled. “If you think that you can hurt me... _try me_.” Around him the contents of his room shook as though under a great wind and Dean saw the shadows of feathers on the wall. “If you think that you could part me from my wings then _show me_.”  


Dean growled and lunged forward...only to find himself pinned against the wall by his throat as Cas glared up at him. He wrapped both of his hands around Cas’ wrist, though he noted he felt no fear.  


“A poor showing so far,” Cas said with the cocky smile that made Dean want him in every possible way. He released Dean and took a step back. “Care to try again?”  


Dean lunged forward immediately and heard a wild, feral laugh from Cas before he found himself flat on the floor with Cas standing over him.  


He tried again -- knocked to the ground.  


Again -- pinned to the door.  


Again -- struggling on top of his bureau as Cas covered his mouth and told a concerned sounding Sam that they were fine.  


And then finally...again, with his back on the bed and Cas straddling his hips and giving him the “angel look” that had made Dean so angry upon first meeting Cas’ kind. “So...Dean Winchester,” Cas said, cocking his head. “When does the hurt begin?”  


“Damn it, Cas, this isn’t a game!” Dean gritted out.  


Cas leaned down slowly, languidly, in a way that had Dean inadvertently tilting his chin up and rocking his hips.  


“No,” Cas said, his gorgeous eyes intent upon Dean’s. The angel kissed him on the lips, an intense, deep kiss that had Dean’s cock hard as a rock. “It isn’t a game. Dean…” Cas’ breath was hot against his lips. “You have more power to hurt me than anyone in creation,” Cas said softly. “But I trust that you won’t.”  


“Damn it, Cas,” Dean rasped, arching up and pulling Cas down into a deep kiss. “I don’t deserve you,” he said against Cas’ lips. “I _don’t_.”  


“And yet, here I am,” Cas said. “It could be argued that I do not deserve you, either,” Cas said. He cocked his head. “But…when do we get what we deserve?”  


Dean tried to rock their bodies sideways, to get on top of Cas, but the angel held firm.  


“I am not going anywhere, Dean,” Cas said. “Ever. In any way.” He leaned down and nipped Dean _hard_ on the shoulder. “And neither are you.”  


“Cas-”  


“No,” Cas said and it was the voice of a seraph and not Dean’s boyfriend. “For once, Dean, I want you to be quiet and _listen_.” He sat up, his hand at Dean’s throat as his glorious eyes blazed down. “You are a good man, _not_ a monster,” Cas said, his eyes fixed on Dean. “You are flawed, and strong, and brave, and _good_.” He leaned down, his full lips curling into a smile. “And I trust you with my life and my heart.” His lips crushed down onto Dean’s and Dean moaned, feeling the tears prickling in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around his angel.  


He shook his head as they started to fall, one of his hands in the back of Cas’ hair. “Cas, I don’t-”  


“I swear,” Cas growled, his hands tightening on the front of Dean’s shirt. “If you say that you don’t deserve that from me, I will find a way to _make_ you be quiet.”  


Dean couldn’t help but let out a wet little laugh as the tears trickled down his face and into his ears. “Cas-”  


Cas leaned down and rested his forehead against Dean’s. “I love you, Dean. I don’t blame you for being, how did you describe it to me? ‘Freaked out’?”  


“I hate what I became down there,” Dean said after a few quiet moments. “I can still feel the...stain of it on me, Cas.”  


“I don’t think that will ever go away,” Cas said sadly. “Not entirely.”  


Dean looked up at him, surprised. “That’s not really in line with your usual optimism, Cas,” he joked weakly.  


Cas shrugged a shoulder. “Dean...apart from forgetting the strength I possess, you sometimes choose to be blind to my weakness as well.” His smile was a sad one. “It is an odd conundrum.”  


Dean was about to ask what he meant when he realized he was being an idiot. “Leviathan,” he said.  


“And Lucifer,” Cas said softly. “I know what it is to feel that your very essence is compromised, Dean.”  


“I know,” Dean said, feeling like an ass as he saw the tightness in the corners of Cas’ eyes. “I’m sorry, Cas.”  


“Don’t be sorry,” Cas said. “Just try to remember that you do not have the monopoly on having made mistakes.”  


Dean nodded and pulled Cas down for a kiss, parting his lips and eagerly accepting Cas’ tongue. He felt Cas’ hands at the bottom hem of his shirt and then Cas was pulling it over his head and tossing it to the side. The angel slid from where he was straddling him and grabbed Dean’s waistband, pulling his pants and boxers off at the same time. Cas smiled down at him hungrily, cocking his head. Dean blushed under the scrutiny, acutely aware of the fact that his cock was rock hard and dripping onto his belly.  


“C’mere,” Dean said, reaching for Cas.  


Cas moved quickly, grabbing Dean’s wrist and pinning it to the bed. “No,” he said.  


Dean struggled and almost immediately found himself pinned on his back with both of his wrists over his head. “Cas-”  


“I hate to hear you doubt your...goodness, Dean,” Cas said, leaning down and flicking his tongue into the hollow of Dean’s throat. “I would like to do what I can to...alter your opinion.”  


Dean groaned, arching his back. “And if you can’t?” he asked a little breathlessly.  


Cas chuckled, his breath warm against the underside of Dean’s jaw. “Well, at least we will both enjoy the process,” he said.  


Dean couldn’t help it, he laughed and grinned at his angel. “You are such a dork,” he said fondly.  


Cas smiled back and then began to kiss down Dean’s body, his lips immediately drawing a breathless gasp from Dean. “Even if you do not believe me,” Cas said, planting a series of soft kisses around Dean’s belly button. “At least you will know beyond the shadow of any doubt that _I_ believe it.”  


His mouth closed around Dean’s cock and Dean threw his head back with a gasp of need as Cas began to suck up and down harder and faster than was his usual preference. Dean reached for him, but Cas grabbed his wrists and pulled back, letting Dean pop out of his mouth with an obscene, wet sound.  


“Hands up,” Cas growled.  


“Cas?”  


Cas looked up at him, smiling. “I want you to do as I say,” Cas said. “Trust me.”  


“And if I don’t?” The words slipped from Dean’s lips before he really thought about them and the change in Cas was instantaneous. The angel sat up straighter, his lip curling as his eyebrow raised.  


“Did you want me to make you?” Cas asked softly and Dean’s cock jerked and dribbled onto his belly.  


“Yeah,” Dean whispered and then blushed all the way down to his chest. _Oh sweet Jesus, I **do** want it._  


Cas’ smile was a hungry one. “I can do that,” he said simply. He rose and went to where his trenchcoat hung on the hook behind the door. He withdrew the belt from the coat and returned to the bed. He didn’t sit, just stood over Dean looking down, running the belt through his fingers.  


“Dean...I have paid attention when we watch pornography together,” he said quietly.  


“Baby-”  


“And I have noticed something,” Cas continued.  


Dean fell silent, raising an eyebrow.  


“You like watching the ones where one person is distinctly...in charge,” Cas said. He shot Dean a sassy look. “When we aren’t watching the ones with a very involved story.”  


Dean blushed. “It’s an art form, Cas!”  


Cas ignored him. “But I do not think you want to be the one in charge,” he said in a soft voice that had goosebumps rising on Dean’s arms.  


“Cas-”  


“Be quiet,” Cas said.  


Dean couldn’t help but do as he said, loving how Cas’ cheeks colored. He knew he was blushing too.  


“Give me your wrists, Dean,” Cas said.  


Dean felt his eyes go wide as the seraph stood over him, his head cocked as he looked down at Dean. Dean held out his wrists, his throat going dry as he looked up at Cas. “Ok,” he whispered breathlessly.  


He watched as Cas tied his wrists, noting that Cas was not being anywhere near as gentle as he’d been in Chicago. These were knots intended to _hold_ him.  


Cas smiled when he was done, slowly bringing Dean’s bound wrists to his lips. “What’s our word?” he asked in a low voice.  


“Wildebeest,” Dean said immediately.  


Cas nodded. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said. “I don’t think that I will ever be able to do some of the things that we have...watched.” He looked down and his adam’s apple bobbed as his voice grew harsher. “I will never forget what I did to you under the influence of Naomi,” he whispered. He shook his head. “I have seen you bruised and bleeding too many times to be the one to inflict it on you as a part of lovemaking.”  


_My fucking heart_ , Dean thought. “Cas, you don’t need to do this at all,” he said and heard the roughness in his voice.  


“I don’t mind tying you up,” Cas said, looking at him from under his eyelashes.  


“Some light spanking, maybe?” Dean teased, trying to make him smile.  


Cas snorted, his lips twitching.  


“Hair pulling?”  


“I was thinking more...denying you your pleasure until you are a sobbing mess begging for release,” Cas said, his eyes snapping to Dean’s and taking his breath away.  


“Sweet merciful fuck, Castiel,” Dean breathed.  


“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Cas asked, stroking his fingertips up and down Dean’s thighs.  


_Am I?_ Dean thought, looking up into his angel’s eyes. _Do I want this?_ But as he watched Cas look down at him, he could hardly deny the way his body was responding to the idea. As he met Cas’ gorgeous eyes, he knew that he trusted Cas and needed to give him everything. He wanted to give him everything. “Yeah,” he said, giving Cas what he knew was a supremely dopey smile. “Have me, babe, however you like,” Dean whispered.  


Cas leaned down and kissed him deeply, his hands gentle as they framed Dean’s face. Together they stretched out on the bed until Dean had his arms over his head and bound to the headboard with Cas sitting between his legs, rubbing the tops of his thighs. “How does that feel?” Cas asked. “Are you comfortable?”  


Dean glanced down at where he was dribbling onto his belly, giving Cas a crooked smile. “I mean, not entirely,” he said and was warmed by Cas’ soft chuckle. “But in the ways that matter...yeah. I’m good.”  


Cas leaned in and licked the front of Dean’s thigh, moving up with agonizing slowness. “You look so good, Dean,” he said in a soft voice. “I love seeing you like this.”  


“Tied up?” Dean retorted.  


“Vulnerable,” Cas said, squeezing his thighs and gently pushing them a little wider. “Relaxed. Trusting.” He cocked his head. “You are beautiful.”  


“Shaddup,” Dean said, smiling fondly at his angel.  


Cas froze and raised his head, his eyebrow going up as his lip curled. “What did you just say to me?” he said in a low, dangerous voice.  


“Sh….shaddup?” Dean whispered, his throat going abruptly dry. The air between them felt charged as the dynamic between them shifted.  


Cas leaned up and wrapped his hand around Dean’s throat, cocking his head. “You first,” he said in a voice that put chills up Dean’s spine. Then his hand tightened fractionally.  


Dean gasped, he couldn’t help it, and saw Cas smile. And then light exploded behind his eyes as Cas wrapped his hand around him and began to stroke hard and fast.  


Dean whimpered, because between how good it felt and Cas’ hand at his throat, that was the only sound he was capable of making. All he could do was writhe and whimper and rock his hips as Cas stroked him hard and fast until little ripples of need were running through Dean’s thighs and belly.  


“Cas!” he gasped.  


And then Cas _stopped_.  


Dean groaned all the way from his toes it felt like, growling his need as Cas refused him his release. “Cas!”  


Cas smiled down at him and leaned down, flicking his tongue against Dean’s cock and licking away the wetness that beaded on the head. “Yes, Dean?”  


“Please!”  


“Not yet,” Cas whispered, laying down between his legs and running his tongue up and down Dean’s cock. He slurped around the head of Dean’s cock and Dean’s eyes rolled back in his head as the angel took him into his mouth. Cas sucked up and down with unbearable slowness, his hands tight on Dean’s thighs. Dean struggled against his bonds, but they held fast and Cas ignored Dean as his legs tightened around the angel. He was getting close again when Cas pulled back, letting him pop out of his mouth.  


“Beautiful,” Cas whispered, his breath whispering across Dean’s cock and making him shudder.  


“Cas!”  


“I love the way you taste,” Cas breathed and Dean’s entire body shuddered. He cocked his head. “Dean?”  


It took Dean a moment to gather himself enough to respond. “Yeah, babe?” he panted.  


“Can I touch you like we did the other day?” Cas asked.  


“You’ve got me tied to my bed,” Dean said with a wry smile. “I’m at your mercy here.”  


“You are,” Cas said, leaning in and leaving a series of kisses along the insides of Dean’s thighs that had his back arching up off of the bed. “But that does not answer my question. Can I touch you like I did the other day?”  


Dean swallowed hard. “My...you want to touch my ass, you mean.”  


“Not just touch,” Cas rasped. “I would like to do more than that...if you’ll allow it.”  


“Touch me, Cas,” Dean somehow managed to grit out. “It’s ok.”  


Cas made a happy little sound and grabbed the backs of Dean’s thighs, gently pushing his legs up towards his chest.  


Dean arched into his touch, his eyes widening. “Cas,” he whimpered.  


Cas held his eyes. “Keep your legs here,” the angel said quietly.  


Dean nodded, feeling his heart begin to beat a little faster. He couldn’t help but look down between his legs and he watched, spellbound, as Cas wrapped one hand around his cock and began to stroke. Then he felt Cas’ fingertips stroking behind his balls and down, down, down until-  


“Fuck!” Dean gasped as Cas’ fingers brushed along his taint and back to his hole. Cas was gentle, he was always gentle, but he did not slow as he began to stroke one finger in a slow circle round and around Dean’s hole. “Cas!”  


“Does it feel good?” Cas asked and when Dean forced himself to crack an eyelid, he saw that the angel’s expression was quizzical. “Do you need me to stop?”  


_You fucking-_  


NO. _No_. There was _nothing_ wrong with him.  


“No, Cas,” he said, his cheeks warming. “You’re good. It feels...good. I just...it’s gonna-”  


“Take you a minute,” Cas said with a fond smile. “I know, Dean. As long as you are sure.”  


“I’m sure,” Dean promised. He felt Cas’ weight shift, heard the bedside drawer open, and when Cas’ fingers returned Dean realized that Cas had gotten out the lube. “Cas, please,” he whispered.  


“Like this?” Cas asked, applying just a little more pressure.  


“Oh my fucking God,” Dean groaned, grabbing the binding at his wrists so hard that his knuckles hurt. “Oh my God, Cas!”  


“Does that feel good, Dean?” Cas asked, his other hand closing around Dean’s cock and beginning to stroke slowly up and down.  


“Cas!”  


“I think you should call me ‘Castiel’,” Cas said and Dean could hear the smile on his face. His finger pressed a little bit further in and Dean gasped.  


“Eat-eat me,” Dean growled, grinning back.  


“As you wish,” Cas, no... _Castiel_ whispered and then Dean felt his legs pushed back further as the angel’s tongue flicked out against his balls before sliding down and then-  


All higher thought went from his head as Castiel began to lick and suck Dean’s balls and the area behind them, slowly working his way down tiny bit by tiny bit. But for all that he kept moving down, for all of Dean’s soft begging, the angel didn’t touch his cock, or lick him where he was beginning to ache to be licked.  


“Castiel!”  


“That was easy,” the angel said and Dean could hear the amusement in his voice.  


“I-I am what I am,” Dean panted.  


“Hmmmm,” Castiel murmured, his breath hot against Dean’s balls. “What you are is delicious.”  


Then he began to lick Dean’s ass, his tongue teasing the tight ring of muscle as he pushed Dean’s legs against his chest.  


“FUCK!” Dean’s whole body tightened and he struggled to put his legs down so he could arch up off the bed, only to find Castiel’s strong hands pinning him in place.  


“Be still,” Castiel growled. “Or make no mistake, Dean, I will _stop_.”  


Dean whimpered, struggling to comply, and cried out again as Castiel began to lick him once more. The angel was insistent, flattening his tongue against Dean’s hole as he wrapped one hand around Dean’s cock. He pushed Dean hard, fast, until Dean’s whole body was so tight that it ached.  


“Not a sound,” Castiel growled, his breath raising goosebumps on Dean’s skin. “Do you hear me, Dean? Not a sound, or I will untie you and walk away.”  


“I hear you,” Dean said in a breathy, ridiculous little voice and then Castiel...fucking... _stopped_.  


Dean clenched his teeth as hard as he could, so hard he thought they might crack, his whole body spasming as he struggled to hold in the cry of dismay and need.  


_Who the fuck am I_? He thought as he thrashed his head back and forth, his nails digging into his palms.  


Castiel didn’t touch him again until he was still, his hands feather light on Dean’s belly. “Still ok?” he asked quietly. “I can stop if you aren’t.” He let out a little laugh. “Or bring you to fruition and not be... _this_ anymore.”  


“I’m ok as long as you are,” Dean whispered, forcing himself to look at the angel. Cas’ eyes were wide and so gorgeous. “Don’t stop...Castiel.”  


Cas growled and then his mouth was against Dean’s hole and Dean was thrashing against his bonds as Cas’ clever tongue teased him. One of Cas’ hands stroked up and down Dean’s cock and then, then he was pulling his lips from Dean’s hole and slowly easing his finger in.  


“Oh God,” Dean whispered, feeling his lips fall open. “Oh God, oh fuck, oh oh FUCK!”  


“Breathe,” Castiel said quietly, his pace slow and gentle but utterly inevitable. “Breathe, love.”  


Dean nodded, doing his best to relax as Cas slowly eased a finger into him and then sweet merciful fucking baby Jesus Cas’ finger was brushing up against against _something_ inside of him and his whole body was bowing towards the sensation and he couldn’t fucking _breathe_.  


“Castiel Castiel Cas CAS!”  


“There?” Castiel whispered.  


“THERE!” Dean moaned. “There, Castiel please I’m fucking...fuck, FUCK!”  


Cas moaned appreciatively and then his mouth closed around one of Dean’s balls, slurping and licking and sucking as his finger moved inside Dean and then his other hand was on Dean’s cock and Dean thrashed against the headboard hard enough to slam it against the wall.  


Then Cas pulled back, stroking the finger inside Dean in a slow circle as he breathed gently on Dean’s cock. “Try not to make too much noise,” he said, his lip curling in _that_ way. Then Cas sucked Dean into his mouth hard and Dean tried he really did but he couldn’t help but moan Castiel’s name as his hips shuddered and pumped. Cas rode him out until he was right on the edge and then the angel’s lips left him as Castiel wrapped his hand around him and stroked him through his orgasm.  


But then he didn't’ stop.  


Again and again he brought Dean over the edge. Sometimes with his mouth, sometimes with his hands, sometimes he just stroked inside of Dean until Dean’s cock twitched, and jerked, and leaked onto his belly. More times than he could count until Dean was sweaty and covered in his own cum, with tears streaking down his cheeks as little tremors went through his body.  


“Please,” Dean moaned. “I can’t, I can’t do anymore please-”  


“Once more, Dean,” Castiel growled. "Once more for me. You can do it, trust me." 

Dean couldn't have denied him if he tried, and all he could do was nod, his eyes locked on Castiel as the angel curled his finger inside Dean, his other hand wrapped around the top of Dean's cock as he began to stroke hard and fast. He was too far gone to last long and after only a few strokes he was bucking against Cas' hands and screaming his name. He had no idea how long Cas kept him at that place before Dean collapsed onto the bed, utterly spent. An ugly, hoarse sob ripped from Dean's throat as the release overwhelmed him and he felt the angel freeze. “Dean,” Cas breathed and his voice was oddly reverent. “Are you all right?" Cas asked, brushing the tears from Dean's face. 

Dean struggled to breathe enough to respond, finally managing to nod. He felt the binding at his wrists loosen and then release. 

"I've got you," Cas said. "I'm going to get up and get you a towel, all right?" 

"A towel?" Dean panted. 

He heard Cas give a soft laugh. "Look at yourself," the angel said. 

Dean looked down at his belly and felt his eyes widen.  


Fuck he was a mess. There was cum all over him in various stages of drying, his cock was lying limp and spent, and Cas was looking at him like he was the most delicious thing in the whole world.  


“You are gorgeous,” Cas said, making him blush.  


“Shaddup,” Dean said, grinning over at his angel as he dampened a towel at Dean's sink.  


Cas smiled back and returned to him, tenderly cleaning Dean before climbing back into bed with him and pulling Dean against his chest. 

“Thank you,” Cas whispered.  


Dean blushed. “For what?”  


“For your trust,” Cas said simply, nuzzling into Dean’s neck. “I love you, Dean.”  


“I love you too, baby,” Dean whispered, hugging Cas back hard. He could feel the tears threatening to fall and then to his horror, there they were. “Damn it,” he whispered, snuggling against Cas. “Damn it, damn it!”  


“Dean?” Cas sounded so worried it broke his heart. “Dean, are you all right?”  


“Cas…” Dean sniffled and Cas grabbed him a tissue, wiping his tears for him. He let out an embarrassed little laugh. "I feel lightheaded," he said. "The release just...damn. It's good tears mostly," he promised, hating how worried Cas looked as he dabbed at Dean's eyes.  


_Mostly,_ he thought. 

And then there it was. The voice that lurked in the back of his mind and did its best to ruin every intimate moment he shared with Cas. _You are a fucking **disgrace**. You want another man to touch your ass to do more than touch, to fucking **use** your ass and don’t pretend that you aren’t thinking about having him inside of you or being inside of him because you are a fucking-_  


“It’s all right, Dean,” Cas said gently, resting his forehead against Dean’s. “What we just shared was beautiful. There is nothing wrong with it.” Cas kissed him so gently that it had the tears flowing faster. “There is nothing wrong with _you_ , Dean.”  


Dean didn’t have words, so he just hugged Cas hard, burying his face in the angel’s neck.  


“I have got you,” Cas said softly. “I have got you, Dean. You don’t need to be afraid.”  


“I don’t-”  


“You do,” Cas said firmly. “You do deserve to be loved like this. You deserve to be loved and cared for, and _cherished_.” The angel’s lips were soft against his ear. “Ignore the voice in your head that says otherwise because it is _wrong_.”  


“Cas-”  


“Let _me_ be the voice,” Cas said tenderly. “Let it be me, Dean, and not your father, not Michael, not Zachariah, not Lucifer, not anyone else.” Cas kissed his forehead. “It’s high time the voice in your head was at least a little kind to you.”  


Dean snorted, aware that tears were still streaking down his face and not even caring. “As long as you do the same,” he managed to say. "And let me be that for you."  


“I will try,” Cas said with a rueful little smile.  


“Not so easy, is it?” Dean said, caressing Cas' cheek.  


“Nothing worthwhile is easy,” Cas said, kissing him.  


“Except me,” Dean retorted, unable to keep from grinning as Cas chuckled.  


“You are absolutely worthwhile,” Cas said, rocking his hips. “And undeniably easy. It is a conundrum.”  


“Ass,” Dean growled, grabbing a double handful of Cas’ and pulling him against him harder.  


The angel groaned, rocking his hips. “Would you change me?” he rumbled.  


Dean rolled, smiling down when Cas actually let him this time. “Not for anything,” Dean replied, giving the angel a long, hard kiss. He sat up, unable to deny the thrill of pleasure that went through his body at how Cas’ eyes roved his body. “But now it is definitely my turn.”

Cas looked like he was about to respond when there was a hard rap at the door. Sam sounded pained. “Guys? If you’re...ready, Samia says she’s set for the next part of the ritual.” 

Dean blushed and saw Cas grinning up at him. “Be right there, Sammy,” he shot over his shoulder. 

“Yeah,” Sam said and Dean heard his footsteps moving away. “Okay.” 

“I tried to keep you quiet,” Cas said apologetically. 

Dean snorted and slid off of Cas’ body with some regret, reaching out and helping Cas sit up. Together they got cleaned up in Dean’s sink and Dean couldn’t help but smile as Cas pulled him in for a gentle kiss. “Was that all...all right?” the angel asked quietly, his hands resting in the small of Dean’s back. 

“Yeah,” Dean replied, reaching up to caress Cas’ cheek. “It was, Cas." 

"Did you enjoy me being...like that?" Cas asked. 

Dean shivered, leaning his forehead down against Cas'. "You were..." Dean blushed. "You were hot as hell, Cas. You drove me crazy." 

Cas made a happy sound, his cheeks adorably pink. "I wasn't too awkward, was I?" 

Dean kissed him, shaking his head. "Nah, babe. You were incredible. Thank you for...for taking such good care of me.” 

“I always will, Dean,” Cas said, giving him a peck on the cheek. “Now let’s go and talk to my wife.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! As always I hope that you enjoyed this chapter and everything felt natural and in character. We delve into the good dreams next I think. Be well, everyone!


	15. This is What Dreams are Made of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samia's ritual takes them into Castiel's dream, leading to a surprising conversation between Dean and his angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so nice not to have to put a TW at the start of a chapter. I hope that you enjoy! Heads up, this is just pure, unadulterated fluff with a sprinkle of smut for spice.

“Dubs? Hey, Dubs? Can I have a sec?”  


Castiel turned around, hiking his satchel up on his shoulder and smiling warmly at his student. Danaysha Washington was almost as tall as he was, with thick curls that she wore in the natural style. They framed her face like a halo as she grinned back at him, falling into step alongside him. She’d been the one to start calling him “Dubs” in the first place and the name has stuck. She’d teased that “Mr. Winchester” was too long and formal and started calling him Mr. W. Eventually that had morphed into “Dubs”. He didn’t mind. There were clear bonds of trust and respect between himself and his students, so the nickname made him feel like he fit in.  


“How are you, D?” he asked her as they made their way through the crowded hallways of Black Hills High. “Feeling good about the final?”  


“Always,” she scoffed. “Are you going to make this one a challenge?”  


Cas chuckled, shaking his head. He knew he wasn’t supposed to have favorites, but if he was honest, D was one of his. She was intelligent, sure, but she was also one of the hardest working students he’d ever met. And there was real kindness in her, a real drive to make the world better. It was admirable at such a young age. “I would hate to break your streak,” he said, opening the front door and breathing in the scent of the Black Hills.  


“As if you could, Dubs,” D teased him. Her expression grew serious as she came to a halt and Cas could see that she was working herself up to something. “Dubs...Mr. Winchester, I just wanted to say thank you. The recommendation letters you wrote for me...man, if you’d told me that my AP History Teacher was going to be one of my favorites...I’d have told you you were nuts.”  


Cas smiled at her. “Danaysha, your college admissions are a reflection of your work ethic and determination. I only told the truth about what I have seen.”  


“Dang, Dubs, making me feel my own feelings,” she said, and though there was a teasing lilt to her voice, Cas could see that his words had had an impact. “Seriously though,” she said. “It means a lot, even if my mom's salty I'm not going to Princeton like she did. I’m going to miss you when I blow this Popsicle stand for Johns Hopkins.” She did a little dance. “Doctor D finna be all up in your insides!”  


“Not for a long time, I hope,” Cas joked back as he put his satchel in his pannier, pulling out his helmet, and unlocking his bike from the bike rack. “And I hope that when you come back to visit, you’ll stop by and say hello.”  


“Try and stop me, Dubs,” D replied. She reached out and caught his hand, clasping it for a moment. “Thanks though, Mr. Winchester, for real.”  


“It was my pleasure, D,” Cas said, giving her hand a firm squeeze before wheeling his bike out. “I’m honored that you asked me to write them for you.”  


“Hey D!”  


She glanced over towards a knot of students who were beckoning at her. “Have a good weekend, Dubs,” D said before jogging over and slinging her arm around the shoulders of her longtime girlfriend Tashina Baker.  


Cas watched them walk off for a moment, enjoying the sound of their laughter as it carried over on the early summer breeze, before pushing off and beginning his ride home. It was a challenging ride, but he enjoyed the challenge, drinking in the scent of conifers as he stood up on his pedals to crest the last hill before home. He turned down the gravel driveway and felt the trees close around him, the air temperature instantly dropping several degrees. Of course, he could have just...flown home. But his bicycle had been a gift from Dean and he loved it, almost as much as he loved how Dean looked at him on the weekends when he wore his lycra. After a only a moment he felt the whisper of the many wards brush across his consciousness. While things had certainly been quieter since Chuck’s...removal, it never hurt to be careful.  


He and Dean’s modest house came into view after about a quarter mile. They had found the lot while on a bike ride around the area when they had first moved, and Cas had immediately fallen in love with the hills, trees, and little stream. He suspected, but couldn’t prove, that Jack had had something to do with the mortgage company’s willingness to work with them, but he couldn’t deny that he was grateful. Thanks to whatever intervention had occurred, whether it was Divine or just...Charlie, he, Dean, Sam, Eileen, and their twins lived together on twenty-five acres that bordered a series of parks. 

They were only about four hours drive from Jody and the girls and about nine from Donna, and with all the space they had, they got to see everyone often.  


He saw Dean's work truck in the driveway and heard the familiar strains of Dean’s music from the detached garage/workshop. He smiled, glad Dean was back home from his latest contracting job and tinkering with the Impala again. He rode up and swung down from his bike, walking it over to his bike rack set in the far corner of the spacious, heated garage.  


_We’re building our home from scratch,_ Dean had said when they were working on the plans. _Why not go all out?_  


“I am home,” he said just loud enough to be heard over the music as he took of his helmet and hung up next to his bike.  


“Hey!”  


There was a rumble and Dean appeared from under the Impala, grinning up at him from the creeper. He glanced at his watch and rose with a wince and a rueful smile. “Hey babe,” he said. “Sorry, lost track of time.” He reached to pull Cas in for a kiss and Cas swatted his hand away, grinning.  


“I’m a sweaty mess,” Cas said.  


“Me too,” Dean said, catching Cas by the hip and pulling him flush against his body.  


“You smell like oil,” Cas teased, letting his satchel fall to the ground and draping his arms over Dean’s shoulders.  


“Mmm,” Dean replied, leaning in and kissing Cas’ lips. “Problem?”  


Cas shook his head, leaning against his partner as the kiss deepened. Dean gently walked him back until he was pressed against the side of the Impala, and Cas moaned as Dean’s hands slid under his shirt and stroked over his sides. “Miss me?” he whispered as Dean laid a series of searing kisses from his lips out to his jaw. Dean had been gone before he woke up the morning before, off to finish up a job a couple hours away. His contracting business had taken off, which was something they were both grateful for, but sometimes it meant more time away from each other than they liked.  


Of course, in addition to both of their day jobs, they both also still checked in at “The Bat Cave”, AKA The Men of Letters Bunker, but they were mostly working in an advisory capacity these days. Sam and Eileen had left hunting when Eileen found out she was pregnant, and Cas and Dean had left shortly after, when a hunt gone wrong had almost paralyzed Dean.  


“Thought about you all day,” Dean said, flicking his tongue against Cas’ neck.  


“Anything in particular?” Cas breathed, tilting his head back to allow Dean more access and running his fingers through his partner’s hair. He was already hard and he could feel that Dean was too.  


Dean’s green eyes crinkled in the corners as he pulled back and looked at Cas, a mischievous smile on his face. “Thought about having some fun before Sam n’ Eileen come over to grill out later,” he said, giving Cas’ ass a squeeze. “Maybe in the shower?”  


“You said shower sex was impractical,” Cas replied, arching into Dean’s touch.  


“That's’ not what you said in Chicago,” Dean teased.  


“As I recall,” Cas said, stepping back. “We did not actually have sex in the shower. I just-” he blushed and hid it by leaning down and picking up his bag. Dean was at his back when he stood up, his arms sliding around Cas’ waist and one of his hands sliding down to brush over his cock.  


“You just…?” Dean prompted, his breath wet and warm against Cas’ neck as he slid his hand inside the front of Cas’ pants.  


Cas whimpered as Dean’s hand closed around his cock and began to stroke. “Dean!”  


“You just drove me crazy is what you did,” Dean rumbled, nuzzling the back of his neck. “On your knees, begging me to cum on you while you jerked me off in the shower.” He let out a hiss that had goosebumps rising all over Cas’ body. “You still drive me crazy, Castiel Winchester. In case you couldn’t tell.”  


Cas moaned, reaching behind himself to touch Dean as best as he could. “The feeling is mutual,” he managed to gasp as Dean concentrated his strokes on the top half of Cas’ cock. “Dean!”  


“Does that feel good?” Dean asked, flicking his tongue against Cas’ ear.  


“Yes!” Cas groaned, reaching up and grabbing the back of Dean’s hair. He felt the tension growing in his thighs and belly as Dean pushed him and he knew from Dean’s soft encouragement that his partner was aware.  


“Cum for me, babe,” Dean growled, his teeth brushing along Cas’ shoulders. “I’ve got you, I missed you so damn much. Cum for me!”  


Cas cried out as his orgasm hit him, his body jerking and spasming against Dean as his husband gently stroked him through the aftershocks. He was panting when Dean finally let out a low laugh, kissing his neck before pulling back and turning Cas around. Cas blushed, aware that there was cum streaking on the front of his shirt and pants, but Dean didn’t seem to care. His husband pushed him up against the wall with a pleased sound and pressed his own body against him.  


They kissed slowly, lazily, for a long time until the feeling of Dean’s hard cock against his hip was too much for Cas.  


“C’mon,” he said, grabbing Dean’s hand and all but dragging him up to the house. The simple, prairie style house had been painstakingly built by the two of them bit by bit while they had lived in a trailer on the property. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a man cave (at Dean’s insistence), a huge deck with a hot tub that looked out over the back yard and stream, and a kitchen to rival the kitchen in the bunker. Their master bedroom faced the forest and the little clearing where the stream widened out and the deer liked to come and drink. The en-suite bathroom had a huge tub (at Cas’ insistence,) and they had both agreed on the huge glassed in shower that faced the Black Hills. It was all done in soothing gray stone and bright cedar, and Cas was glad for the privacy that the clever textured glass provided as they hurriedly undressed each other. Together they stumbled into the shower, both laughing as they did their best to get wet while not breaking their kiss. Cas pulled back a little, shaking water out of his eyes as he pulled a washcloth from the little alcove outside the shower and put some of Dean’s soap on it. Dean was watching him, a fond smile on his face, as Cas began to wash him.  


Cas took his time, luxuriating in the feeling of Dean’s skin and the gentle movements of his muscles. Dean let out a contented groan as Cas turned him around and washed his back. He was firmer as he rubbed Dean’s shoulders with the washcloth, growing more and more gentle as he approached the scar on his husband’s lower back. He leaned in and brushed his lips over it, swallowing the feelings of fear and horror that came up at the notion of how close he’d come to losing Dean for good.  


“I’m ok,” Dean said, his voice barely audible over the water. He turned around and pulled Cas in for a kiss and the two of them stood under the water for a long time, holding each other tightly as they kissed. “I’m here, baby.”  


Cas nodded, forcing the dark thoughts from his head as he began to kiss down Dean’s body, loving Dean’s soft sounds of pleasure as he worked his way down. Soon he was kneeling in front of Dean, smiling up at him.  


“Well this is familiar,” Dean teased, running his fingertips through Cas’ hair. “Brings back some good memories.”  


Cas nodded, leaning in and brushing his lips over the head of Dean’s cock. “I do not recall doing this last time,” he said, flicking his tongue out.  


Dean grunted, smiling, though his lips fell open in the most gorgeous gasp as Cas took him into his mouth. “Cas!”  


Cas hummed happily around him and began to suck him in earnest, drawing Dean all the way back to his throat and holding him there just to hear Dean growl and feel his husband’s hands tighten in his hair.  


“Fuck, you feel so good!” Dean moaned as Cas sucked up and down, reaching up to caress Dean’s balls with the washcloth. “Oh, fuck!”  


Cas smiled around him, sucking harder and faster until Dean was bellowing his name, one hand on Cas’ shoulder, the other tangled in his hair. Cas swallowed around him, loving Dean’s cry of need as he continued through Dean’s aftershocks until Dean let out a breathless laugh and gently pushed him away. He collapsed back against the shower wall, reaching for Cas, who was all too happy to rise and snuggle under Dean’s chin.  


“You’re too good to me,” Dean murmured, kissing Cas’ hair.  


Cas blushed and kissed Dean’s cheek. “I missed you,” he said simply. He picked up the washcloth, intending to get himself cleaned up quickly, but Dean clearly had other ideas. His husband snagged the washcloth from him. He only gave a token protest, loving the feeling of Dean’s hands on him. The water was beginning to cool and they were both pruning when Cas glanced down at his watch and realized they only had about an hour until Sam, Eileen, and the girls arrived for dinner.  


They dried each other off tenderly and changed into clean clothes before hurrying to the kitchen. Dean stepped onto the deck to light the grill, returning once it was blazing merrily and pulling the steaks from the fridge. Cas got to work scrubbing potatoes as Dean seasoned the meat. They listened to music as they worked, even though Dean grumbled good-naturedly about John Denver. “I don’t know where I went wrong,” he teased, as they shucked the corn together. “I mean, John Denver?”  


“I heard “Rocky Mountain High” while I was in a bus station the second time I was human. When I lived as a homeless man for some weeks,” Cas said with a shrug. “I found it soothing and when I looked up the song, I found out that part of it was written about the Perseid's meteor shower. The lyric: ‘I’ve seen it raining fire in the sky’.” He blushed. “I...I remembered when we watched the meteors together and the song took on new meaning. It was...comforting during a time I was very lonely. It made me feel like you were with me.”  


Next to him Dean went still and then set down his corn.  


“You never told me that,” he said, wiping his hands on a dish cloth and pulling Cas over for a kiss.  


They held each other tightly there in their kitchen, kissing as the crickets soft choir joined the soothing sound of John Denver’s voice.  


Cas’ throat was a little tight when they pulled back, and he knew from the look on Dean’s face that his husband was feeling the weight of past regrets. “The song makes me happy,” he reassured Dean. “Just like you do.”  


Dean kissed his forehead and Cas saw his adam’s apple bob as the song wound down. “Mind if I change it up for the next one?” he asked gruffly.  


“Go ahead,” Cas said, beginning to mix the compound butter for the corn. Dean tapped his phone and abruptly “Shake it off” by Tayler Swift began to play. Dean froze and Cas grinned at his stricken expression.  


“No need to pretend on my account,” Cas said. “I know you love this song.”  


Dean blushed and resumed shucking, mouthing the lyrics. They barely made it to the first chorus before he was singing along at full volume into an ear of corn. He was so loud that they didn’t hear the door and it wasn’t until a child’s voice joined him that they realized that Sam and Eileen had arrived with the girls. The eldest twin, Roberta Maura, known to all and sundry as “Bobbi”, grabbed another ear of corn and began to sing with Dean, spinning around in her sparkly Elsa dress. Lillian Jody, also known as “Jay”, rolled her eyes at both of them and came over to hug Cas, her grave little face the picture of long-suffering that only a child can quite manage.  


“They're so silly, Uncle Cas,” Jay said, straightening her flannel shirt.  


“You’re right,” Cas said, shaking his head sadly. Then, scooped her up, joining Dean and Bobbi as they danced around the kitchen. Jay giggled, clutching his shoulders, and the four of them were laughing when Sam and Eileen walked in. Sam was holding a pie and Eileen had a pitcher of her famous “Jameson Sangria”, and both of them were smiling.  


“I told you Bobbi learned this song from Dean!” Sam said, putting the pie on the counter.  


Eileen snorted, setting down the pitcher. “I never doubted you,” she signed, shaking her head.  


They watched indulgently as the song finished and then Sam chivvied the girls outside to play while Dean got cooking. Cas and Eileen poured drinks for everyone and then sat down on the porch, watching as Jay turned over stones in the stream, looking for crayfish, while Bobbi stood on her “Moana Rock” and sang “How Far I’ll Go” loud enough to quiet the crickets.  


The setting sun slanted through the trees, warming Cas's face as he smiled and relaxed back to chat with Eileen.  


It was good to be home. 

**** 

“Cas?”  


Dean watched as his partner blinked the tears from his eyes as he sat up. There was a huge, dopey smile on his face as he looked up at Dean.  


“Hi,” he said in a soft, dreamy voice. He barely flinched as Dean tenderly pulled out his IV and tugged him to his feet, his gorgeous eyes never leaving Dean’s face.  


"Hi, yourself," Dean said as he pulled the angel into a hug. Samia and Sam had already stepped out to give them some privacy. “Well, that was cute as hell,” he said, tightening his arms around his angel. He felt warmed all the way through by Cas’ dream.  


Cas let out a little laugh and Dean didn’t need to look to know that the other man was blushing. “It was?” he rasped.  


“Yeah,” Dean whispered, rubbing his palms up and down Cas’ back. “Yes, Cas, it was fucking adorable.” He pulled back and kissed Cas’ lips. “You are adorable.”  


Cas leaned into the kiss, his lips parting as he moaned, jerking Dean against him. Cas was hard against his hip and he could feel himself responding to it. “How did you feel about the part in the shower?” Cas breathed against his lips and Dean grunted as the angel reached down and brushed his palm over Dean’s cock.  


“Cas,” Dean growled, grabbing the angel’s wrist.  


“I enjoyed that part,” Cas murmured, his lips dragging to Dean’s jaw and beginning to work down.  


“I did too, baby,” Dean groaned, forcing himself to pull Cas’ hand away. “But we aren’t going to act on it, not right now.”  


“I want to,” Cas said in the breathy voice that tested Dean’s resolve like no other. “Please? I can be quick, Dean, I just want to take you in my mouth and-”  


Dean kissed him hard, grabbing both of the angel’s wrists and pinning them at Cas’ sides. Cas responded to the kiss eagerly, so eagerly, and Dean knew that if he didn’t do something he was going to lose control of the situation and let the angel do whatever he wanted to him right there.  


“Baby, I need you to listen,” he managed to pant. “As far as I’m concerned...you’re...drunk. You know Samia’s stuff hits you real hard. I won’t let this go any further right now.”  


Cas grumbled, but let Dean pull him in for another hug without trying to jump him. However, he quickly realized that there was another way Cas was drunk, apart from his inhibitions being all but gone. The angel was swaying against him like he was getting ready to fall asleep.  


“Man, genie packs a punch,” Dean grumbled, draping Cas’ arm over his shoulders. “C’mon ‘Dubs’,” he said. “Let’s get you to bed. Sammy?”  


Sam helped Dean bring Cas down to their room and tuck him into bed, and the two of them stood over him for a moment, watching the angel sleep.  


“That seems like it went better,” Sam said with a little smile.  


Dean blushed. “It was a good dream,” he said. He didn’t feel quite right sharing the details with Sam, it was Cas’ stuff to share. “We were happy,” he said instead. He jerked his chin at Sam. “So were you.”  


Sam’s smile widened. “I’ll let you guys rest,” he said. “We’re almost done.”  


Dean nodded, clapping his brother on the shoulder and shutting the door behind him. He stretched out next to Cas, smiling when his angel immediately snuggled against his side, slinging an arm across his waist.  


Dean eased his arm under Cas, hugging him and closing his eyes. Though the ritual didn’t hit him nearly as hard as it hit Cas, he still could feel sleepiness weighing on him as well.  


_I wonder what my dream will be._ It occurred to him that if she was showing them things that they wanted, things that they had been thinking about, that his own dream might spoil a surprise that he had for Cas. He must have fallen asleep, because his neck was stiff the next time he opened his eyes. Cas was shifting against him with a contented sound, his nose nudging under Dean’s chin.  


“Hey,” Dean said quietly, bringing his hand up and stroking his fingers through Cas’ hair. “How are you doing?”  


“Sleepy,” Cas murmured. “It is an odd sensation.”  


“Her stuff really gets to you,” Dean said.  


Cas nodded. “I think that her theory is correct,” he said, tilting his head up and looking into Dean’s eyes. “It has something to do with what I am.”  


Dean brushed his lips over Cas’. “What you are is sweet,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “That was a beautiful future you imagined for us, Cas.” He chuckled softly, hugging Cas against him harder. “Or should I start calling you ‘Dubs’?”  


Cas snorted, reaching up to cup his face. “I am glad that it wasn’t...I don’t know, silly,” he said.  


Dean shook his head, leaning into Cas’ touch. “It was perfect, Cas.” He swallowed hard, turning over his thought from earlier in his head. “Cas...are you...you know…sober now?”  


Cas nodded. “The euphoria wears off much faster than the fear,” he said a little sadly. His eyes slanted in Dean’s direction, his full lips curling a little. “Why do you ask?” he asked in _that_ voice.  


“It’s not what you think,” Dean said, his heart pounding. “Well I mean, there’s always that, Cas, but...it’s something else.”  


Cas sat up, crossing his legs and resting his elbows on his knees. He cocked his head. “What is it, Dean?” he asked.  


He looked so adorable there with his hair tousled and his gorgeous eyes bright, his expression so vulnerable and trusting that Dean felt his heart climb up into his throat.  


_This is dumb, this is so dumb, I am such a fucking trainwreck._  


“I have a surprise for you,” he blurted out. His throat felt dry as the Sahara as he forced himself to swallow. “And I’m worried that when we go into my head, it’s gonna spoil it.”  


“What is it?” Cas asked.  


“Promise you won’t laugh?” Dean asked as he rose and went to his desk. Inside was the little box of mementos he’d collected over the years. He brought it over to the bed and sat back down, alarmed at how much he was sweating.  


“Of course I won’t laugh,” Cas said, a little frown between his eyebrows.  


“Ok,” Dean said quietly. _You can do this._ “Ok. Cas...you and I have been through some real...stuff together.” _I sound like an idiot._ He flinched. “What I mean is...there aren’t a lot of people who I know that I can count on in this world. But you...you're one of them.” he blushed. “I hope I'm that for you too.”  


“You are, Dean,” Cas said softly. “Of course you are.”  


Dean took a deep breath, trying to calm his breathing. “I love you, Cas,” he said, forcing himself to meet and hold his angel’s eyes. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want to picture the rest of my life without you in it.” He swallowed so hard it hurt and pulled the little velvet bag out of the box. “I know it’s just a piece of paper!” he blurted out. “But it...it’s legal now and if...whenever we're ready I-I want that piece of paper to have both our names on it.”  


He reached out and caught Cas’ hand, putting the little bag in it and closing Cas’ fingers around it. “A piece of paper?” Cas asked, blinking down at the bag and Dean felt a hysterical laugh trying to bubble up within him. “Why did you put a piece of paper in the bag-”  


“Just open it,” Dean squeaked, fighting the urge to bury his face in his hands and never come out.  


Cas undid the drawstrings and opened the bag, tipping it into his palm. Out rolled a titanium ring with a tan inlay that looked like hundreds of tiny pebbles. Cas’ hand began to shake as he looked up at Dean, his eyes suddenly shiny. “...Dean?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “It is a ring.”  


Dean nodded, his cheeks on fire. _Dumb, dumb, I am so dumb I am fucking this up this isn’t how it should have gone what’s the matter with me I-_  


“Are you...is this…” Cas swallowed hard, staring abruptly off into the middle distance. “The piece of paper was a marriage license,” he whispered. “I was being too literal.”  


“Maybe a little,” Dean said, unable to keep the laugh in any longer. That seemed to relax Cas, and then they were both laughing like utter idiots as Cas flung his arms around Dean’s neck and hugged him.  


“Unless I am misunderstanding,” Cas said, his cheeks adorably pink as he pulled back and looked down at the ring, his eyes very wide.  


“You’re not,” Dean rasped.  


Cas took a shuddering breath and continued to stare down at his hand, an unfathomable look on his face.  


Dean’s heart began to pound so hard he thought it might actually climb out of his throat.  


“Dean…” Cas whispered and Dean felt his heart sink as the angel rose from the bed and went to where his trenchcoat hung on the door. “I know that this is a...a human custom-”  


“If you don’t want to we don’t have to!” Dean said, lurching to his feet. _Oh God, oh God I have fucked this up forever I have ruined everything we aren’t ready maybe we will never be ready maybe this isn’t what he actually wants shit oh shit oh shit oh shit please don’t leave._  


Cas turned and looked at him, giving him a bewildered look. “Of course I want to,” he said quietly. He held out his hand. “I just...I thought the custom involved an exchange.” Lying on his palm was a simple black ring with familiar elvish script etched onto it in light gray.  


Dean stopped in his tracks, staring down at Cas’ hand.  


“Over our many years together, I have often had occasion to think of Frodo’s words to Samwise,” Cas said quietly. “At the end of all things, I am always glad to have you with me, Dean Winchester. I hope that you always will be.”  


Dean felt his throat go tight as tears began to trickle down his face. “Way to show me up, Cas,” he somehow managed to say through the tears and the enormous, sappy-ass smile on his face.  


Cas’ eyes widened a little. “Is that...does that mean-”  


“Of course I’ll always be with you,” Dean whispered. “For as long as you’ll put up with my sorry ass, Cas, I’ll be with you.” He swallowed hard. “So...is that a yes, Cas?”  


Cas nodded. “It is, Dean,” Cas breathed. “And you-”  


“Hell yes,” Dean said, grinning down at his angel through the tears that streaked down his face.  


He let Cas slide the ring onto his finger, then did the same for the angel, and for a long few moments the two of them stood there looking at their hands with huge, dorky smiles on their faces.  


“It is dinosaur bone,” Cas said, turning his ring on his finger. He smiled over at Dean, his lips wobbling a little.  


“Website said it was T-Rex,” Dean said with a little shrug. “I thought...after the museum...I don’t know. I thought you might-”  


“It is,” Cas said softly. “T-Rex, I mean. And I do.” He looked up. “Yours is tungsten,” he said. “I know that is not the traditional material but it is meant to be sturdy and I-”  


Dean kissed him hard, drawing the angel against his body as he parted his lips and ran his tongue along Cas’. “It’s perfect,” he said, rubbing his nose against Cas’. “Just like you.” He knew that he was crying, but so was Cas, and it didn’t matter because he hadn’t fucked it up utterly and Cas had said yes and had gotten the fucking drop on him with a ring and the last time he felt this mix of joy and shock he was holding Cas the night Jack brought him back.  


“I….I’m not going to wake up from this...am I?” Cas asked in a soft little voice that wiped the smile from Dean’s face so hard he almost got whiplash.  


“Hey,” Dean whispered, tightening his arms around Cas. “Listen to me, Cas, I swear to you, this is real. You and me...we’re real.” He forced himself to smile, even though his heart broke at how scared Cas suddenly looked. “That ring had better be real for what it cost,” he teased and that at least won a smile from Cas.  


“You did not have to put a ring on it,” Cas said with the ghost of a smile. “You did not have to spend money on me.”  


“Well likewise,” Dean said, kissing Cas’ cheek. “But here we are.” He cupped Cas’ cheek. “I wanted to do it, Cas, because I love you. And it means something, the ring, I mean.” He pulled Cas in for a deep kiss, gently rubbing the angel’s back in slow circles. They were both breathing hard when Dean pulled back. “It’s real,” he said against Cas’ lips. “I promise.”  


Cas nodded, hugging him back tightly, and slowly Dean walked him back to the bed and eased him down onto it. He stretched out on top of Cas, his hands framing the angel’s face as the kiss deepened. Somewhere along the way Cas pulled off his shirt, and Dean was more than happy to return the favor, and Cas’ skin felt even more incredible than usual as the two of them kissed. He loved how his ring looked as he caressed Cas’ cheek, and he caught the angel looking at his own ring more than once.  


They were both hard, but neither of them did anything about it right away, instead contenting themselves with gentle touches and kissing every bit of skin that was showing. “I love you, Dean,” Cas murmured, his eyes half-lidded as he smiled up at Dean. He let out a quiet laugh. “My cheeks hurt,” he said, blushing. “I am not accustomed to smiling this much.”  


“Me too,” Dean admitted, leaning in and kissing Cas’ collarbone. The angel arched up, letting out a soft cry of need as his hand slid into Dean’s hair and tugged a little.  


“Dean,” he whispered, tilting his head and baring more of his neck in a silent invitation.  


Dean was happy to accept and leaned down, kissing along Cas’ collarbone and up to his neck. He dragged his tongue along Cas’ skin, loving the breathy sounds Cas made as he continued up to catch the angel’s earlobe between his teeth.  


Cas whimpered and turned his head, catching Dean’s lips with his own as his leg draped over the back of Dean’s thigh. “Dean?”  


“Hmmmm?” Dean replied, nuzzling behind Cas’ ear and running his hand up and down the angel’s side.  


“Will you make love to me tonight?” Cas asked.  


Dean’s breath caught in his chest and he pulled back to look down into Cas’ eyes. His heart had begun to pound again. “Cas,” he breathed.  


His angel was looking up at him with an expression of such trust on his face that it took his breath away. “We don’t have to,” Cas said right away, his brow furrowing. “I just...I feel...I want to...to give-” he blushed and his voice got quieter. “I want to give myself to you, Dean.”  


Dean nuzzled into Cas’ neck to buy himself a second to respond. “You are so sweet,” he murmured into Cas’ ear. “I would have thought after the other day that you would have wanted it to go the other way.”  


He yelped as Cas rolled them, grunting under the angel’s weight as Cas landed on top of him and smiled down at him, his eyes wide. “Are you offering?” Cas asked, cocking his head in that faintly predatory way that had Dean almost painfully hard. The expression was a fleeting one as Cas caressed his cheek and kissed him tenderly. “I think you will be more comfortable if you are the one worrying about whether or not I am all right, at least our first time.”  


Dean couldn’t help but snort, grinning up at his angel. “Why you gotta call me out that way?” he joked weakly.  


“I know you,” Cas said simply, kissing Dean once more.  


“You do,” Dean said with a smile. He took a breath that shook a little. After the dreams, after exchanging rings and cementing their future in that way...he couldn’t deny he wanted the same thing Cas did. He craved that intimacy. But was he ready? “Cas...I...are you sure this is something that you want? That you’re ready for? I mean...I know neither one of us is exactly a virgin-virgin, but this is new ground for both of us.”  


“Do you really doubt that I want to give myself to you, Dean?” Cas asked in a low voice that put chills up Dean’s spine.  


Dean shook his head. “How could I?” he asked, pulling Cas in for another kiss. There was more heat in this one, and Dean moaned as Cas eased his lips open with his tongue and tangled his fingers into his hair. He slid his hand down Cas’ back and began to push down his pajama pants, his hands shaking. “Baby, are you sure?”  


“Dean,” Cas breathed. “Yes!”  


Dean swallowed hard and rolled them to the side, coming to a rest on top of Cas as the angel pushed his pants off. Soon they were naked together, kissing desperately as their bodies rocked together.  


“I love you,” Dean said into Cas’ ear. He began to kiss down Cas’ body, fully intending to take his time to get them both ready, when there was a sharp rap on the door.  


“Guys?” Sam called. “Are you up yet? Samia is hoping to catch the next flight out.”  


“Be right there!” Dean called over his shoulder. He turned back and rested his forehead on Cas’ chest with a grumble. “Cock blocked by your wife.”  


Cas laughed and sat up, pressing his lips to Dean’s shoulder and scooting off of the bed. “You are worth waiting for,” Cas said, pulling Dean to his feet and into a kiss. “Now come on,” he said, his fingers twining through Dean’s. “Let’s get dressed and go see what your dreams are made of.”  


Dean froze, reaching for his pants. “Did you...did you just quote Lizzie McGuire at me?” he asked, turning to look at his angel with wide eyes.  


Cas grinned and pulled his own pants on. “I was curious if you would catch the reference,” he said, his lips curling into an adorable smile.  


“Metatron is a dick for teaching you that stuff,” Dean grumbled, yanking Cas against him hard for another kiss. “Come on, Disney Channel. Let’s go do this one more time with feeling.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all this chapter totally got away from me, but I think that I managed to keep everything in character. I know that it is totally a ridiculous journey into fluff, but I really enjoyed writing it and hope that you enjoyed reading it.


	16. And I Think to Myself, What a Wonderful World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean has his dream, completing Samia's ritual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia, reference to homophobic slur**
> 
> I apologize if the editing is a little rough, I did my best. My heart is very heavy today as an American who values a vibrant democracy and as a woman of color and it has been very hard to focus.

Dean stood at the top of the stairs awkwardly fidgeting with his tie, feeling his heart race behind the symbols carved into his ribs. Why was he so nervous? This was what they wanted, what they both wanted, but his hands were clammy and he felt like he might just...pass out.  


“Hey!” Sam said, jogging up the last couple steps. “We’re about ready to start. You good?”  


Dean looked at him, feeling a blush coloring his cheeks. “Peachy!”  


Sam snorted and stepped forward, adjusting Dean’s tie. “You look like you’re about to pass out,” he said.  


Dean swatted him away, straightening his shirt. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous,” he said with a little laugh.  


Sam chuckled and shrugged. “You were there at mine,” he said. “You remember what a wreck I was.”  


“You cried,” Dean said gruffly.  


“Like you aren’t going to cry,” Sam teased.  


“Shaddup,” Dean said.  


Down below them the music started to play.  


“Showtime,” Sam said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Try not to forget your lines.” His expression softened. “Congrats, Dean,” he said, shaking his hair out of his eyes as he smiled. “I’m happy for you.”  


Dean pulled him in for a quick hug, feeling his throat tighten. _I can’t start crying this soon_ , he told himself sternly. They both pulled back and there was a big smile on Dean’s face as he waved his little brother off down the stairs.  


Sam hurried down and Dean followed him more slowly, trying not to look like an ass as he walked under the arch and into the library. The room had been transformed by Donna and Mrs. Tran. Twinkle lights hung from the ceiling and over the bookshelves. Cas had wanted candles, but Mrs. Tran had been quick to nix that for safety reasons. Instead of the usual musky smell of books, the library smelled of the dozens of sunflowers that some friend of Donna’s in Wisconsin had donated. Some were the usual golden yellow, but some were scarlet, and others still were somewhere between, with orange petals shot through with burgundy. They had moved the tables to one end of the room and covered them with a cloth to create a sort of makeshift dais. Cas was standing on it with Jody, both of them grinning down at him. Both sides of the room were lined with their friends and family. Garth, Bess, and the kids waved to him as he walked slowly towards the dais. Claire stepped out and put little sprig of deep blue hydrangea into Dean’s button hole with a smile that wobbled a little bit. Bobby stood up at the front with John and Mary and Charlie and Kevin and Jo and Ellen and Ash and they were all smiling at him as he climbed up and took Cas’ hands.  


“Hey,” he said, grinning at his partner.  


“Hello, Dean,” Cas said, his eyes bright as he smiled back.  


Jody chuckled, shaking her head. She motioned for everyone to be quiet. “Well, I don’t think I’m the only one who’s glad that this day is _finally_ here,” she said, inspiring a laugh from the assembled group. She looked back and forth between Dean and Cas. “I’m honored that you two boys asked me to do this,” she said.  


“You’re the most official friend we got, Jody,” Dean teased her. He felt his throat begin to burn. “You’re family.”  


Her eyes looked a little shiny as she cleared her throat. “I guess I should do my job,” she said, swiping at her eyes. She raised her chin and looked out into the crowd. “Welcome, everyone! We are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the somewhat unconventional marriage of Dean Winchester and Castiel. I say unconventional because, well, how often do we humans get to see a Hunter and an Angel of the Lord get hitched?” There was an answering good natured chuckle and Dean distinctly heard a “Whoo-hoo!” from Garth.  


Jody smiled. “Now I know that you all have been waiting as long as I have for this to happen. These boys have been dancing around each other for over a decade, from what Bobby tells me.”  


Dean raised his eyebrow and Bobby shot him a smile with a shrug.  


“As you may have gathered,” Jody continued. “This is hardly the beginning, but it is a celebration of the next chapter in their lives together.”  


“Heck yeah!” Donna called out.  


Jody nodded. “Today, they will affirm this bond formally and publicly. This affirmation is made even more meaningful because it’s shared with all of you, their most cherished friends and family.”  


Dean’s throat burned as Jody looked up at them. “Dean, Castiel, today you not only marry the right person, you commit to being the right partner—the one with whom the other can stand and face the world.” Her eyes flicked up to the two of them. “I’d say you two have that part covered.”  


“Hey, the couple that stops the apocalypse together, stays together,” Dean said and felt Cas squeeze his hands. Cas’ hands were cool as usual, making Dean doubly aware of how sweaty he was.  


“All right, wise-ass,” Jody said, giving him a look. “It’s time to joyfully seal this chapter with the declarations that will unite you in marriage.”  


“Here we go,” Dean whispered though his throat was raspy and dry.  


“It is all right, Dean,” Cas replied.  


“Breathe,” Jody said with a smile. “Ready?”  


“Yeah,” Dean somehow managed to say. He was lost in the way Cas was looking at him, his gorgeous eyes wide and shiny. “Hell yeah!”  


“Here we go, boys,” Jody said. “Do you, Dean, take Castiel to be your lawfully wedded partner, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and not-so-good times, for richer or poorer, committing yourself unto him for as long as you both shall live?”  


“I do,” Dean replied, grinning at Cas. The tears had definitely started to trickle down his face by now, but it didn’t matter because Jody was turning to Cas and the angel’s expression was exultant.  


“Do you Castiel take Dean to be your lawfully wedded partner, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and not so good times, for richer or poorer, committing yourself unto them for as long as you both shall live?”  


“I do,” Cas said, his voice a little rougher than usual as the tears in his eyes spilled over.  


“Well, you two jumped the gun on the whole ring part, I guess all that’s left is for me to say that by the power vested in me by these boys and the internet, I pronounce the two of you hitched!” Jody said.  


“KISS!” Charlie bellowed.  


Jody grinned. “You can now kiss your husband.”  


If you’d asked him, Dean couldn’t have said which of them lunged forward first, all he knew was that in an instant Cas was in his arms and the two of them were kissing to the sound of clapping, cheering, and general carrying on.  


Though Dean’s body stridently made him aware that Cas’ proximity and their new status had him wanting to do all kinds of things to Cas, he was a classy man. He pulled back after what felt like only a moment and took Cas’ hands, turning to look at their audience. Together they walked back down the makeshift “aisle” to the strains of “Concerning Hobbits”. At the end they found themselves in the map room surrounded as their friends hurried forward to congratulate them.  


Jo came up first with her mom, both of them grinning wide as they embraced Dean and Cas.  


“Dean Winchester with an Angel of the Lord,” Jo said, crossing her arms. “Whoda thunk?”  


“I have to admit,” Ellen said. “If you’d have told me that you were the marrying kind, Dean, I’d have laughed.” Her expression softened. “I’m happy for you both,” she said.  


“Me too,” Jo added. She winked at Cas. “Watch out for this one,” she teased. “He’s a flirt.”  


“He knows better,” Cas said in a mild tone that belied how tight his hand was on Dean’s waist. Dean’s breath caught in his throat and all he could do was nod at Jo.  


Jo made a whip cracking sound, but she was smiling. “I’m gonna go find Ash,” she said. “And have a drink.” She rested her hand on Dean’s shoulder for a minute. “Congrats, Dean,” she said before hurrying off towards the bar.  


“Be good to each other,” Ellen said. She nodded to Cas. “He starts acting the fool, you give me a call.”  


“Yes ma’am,” Cas said, nodding.  


Ellen chuckled and turned to follow Jo, clearing the way for Charlie who barreled into them with her arm around Kevin’s shoulders. “Nice work, bitches!” She let the prophet go and hugged them both.  


“Thanks, kiddo,” Dean said, hugging her tightly. “I’m real glad that you’re here.”  


“Nowhere I’d rather be,” she said, giving him a squeeze before pulling back and catching Cas in an embrace. “Though you’d think that a couple good looking guys like you two could have scared up some more ladies to fill out the crowd.”  


“I cannot imagine that if we scared the ladies they would be inclined towards romantic entanglement,” Cas said, the minute quirk of his lips the only indication that he was teasing.  


Dean snorted, leaning his chin on the top of her head for a moment as he felt her shake her head. “Is he always like this?” she asked him.  


“All the time,” Dean said, reaching out and giving Cas’ hand a squeeze.  


“Makers Breath, you two are gross,” Charlie said. “Anyway, now...instead of chatting up a lovely young thing that is sad to be at a wedding all alone, I’m gonna go and help the prophet get drunk without his mom noticing.”  


“She’ll hear you,” Kevin whispered, his eyes darting over to where Mrs. Tran was chatting with Jody. “And then I’m dead.”  


“I promise to take good care of you, young Padawan,” Charlie said.  


“Congrats, guys,” Kevin said, smiling at them and shooting a last surreptitious look at his mom before letting Charlie lead him off towards the kitchen.  


Immediately Dean found himself swept up into a bone-crushing hug as Garth caught both him and Cas. “I’m just so happy for you two!” Garth said with a sniffle. “That was beautiful. Reminds me of me and Bess’ wedding. You’re a beautiful couple. You’re going to be so happy!”  


“All right, little guy, easy,” Dean said, laughing and giving Garth a squeeze back. “Thanks for coming all this way with the kids.”  


“You are choking me,” Cas added, though he looked amused. “But Dean is correct, we do appreciate you coming.”  


“Are you kidding?” Garth said, pulling back and giving them a giant Garth smile. “I wouldn’t miss this for the whole world!”  


“Honey?”  


Garth glanced back where Bess had a twin on each hip and shot them an apologetic look. “Thanks again for the invite, guys. Congratulations!”  


He caught them in a final hug and then hurried over to his wife, scooping up one of the twins and making the boy giggle.  


“Have you two seen Kevin?” Mrs. Tran asked, approaching them with an amused looking Donna in tow.  


“No ma’am,” Dean said right away.  


Mrs. Tran’s eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms. “Dean.”  


“He’s with Charlie,” Dean blurted out. “In the kitchen.”  


Mrs. Tran sighed, then turned to Donna with a grin. “You owe me, Sheriff.”  


Donna shook her head, giving Dean a mournful look as she handed Mrs. Tran a ten. “Aw jeez, Dean, I thought you’d hold out a _little_ longer than that.”  


“Told you he’s scared of me,” Mrs. Tran said. She turned back to them, her eyes going back and forth between them. “Take care of each other,” she said quietly. “Appreciate the time you have.”  


“We will,” Cas promised. “We are grateful for all of your help coordinating this, Mrs. Tran. We could not have done it without you.”  


“Call me Linda,” she said with a warm smile as she pulled the angel in for a hug.  


“I will...try,” Castiel said, hugging her back. “But you are very intimidating.”  


Mrs. Tran pulled back with a pleased smile and gave Dean a hug before glancing towards the kitchen. “I’m going to get a drink,” she said. “And make sure that Kevin’s pacing himself. You coming, Donna?”  


“Oh sure,” Donna said, smiling. “Just give me a minute to congratulate the boys and I’ll join ya.”  


Mrs. Tran nodded and headed towards the kitchen, leaving Donna shaking her head.  


“She’s one heck of a lady,” Donna said, turning back to them. “Now, who’s first?” She didn’t give them a chance to answer, just caught Dean in a hug that lifted him off of his feet. “I love weddings,” she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. She released him and did the same to Cas before stepping back with her hands on her hips. “Now...I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but I got you boys a little something.” She held out a set of keys. “A buddy of mine has a beautiful little cabin up in the U.P. just renovated, right on the water. He owed me a favor, so I asked to borrow it for a week for a couple of honeymooners.”  


Dean blinked, shaking his head. “Donna-”  


“I won’t take no for an answer,” Donna said, grabbing his hand and putting the keys in it. “I’ll send you the details, okie doke?”  


“That is very generous, Donna,” Cas said. “Of you, and your friend.”  


“It’s my pleasure,” Donna said, giving them each another hug. “Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I’m going to go watch Mrs. Tran drink her son under the table.”  


Dean put his arm around Cas’ waist, kissing his angel on the cheek as Donna passed Jody and gave the other woman’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze.  


“Well, boys,” Jody said. “How did I do?”  


Dean wrapped her up in a hug that would have put Garth to shame. “You did great, Jody,” Dean said quietly. “Thank you. I can’t think of anyone I would have rather do the honors.”  


“Stop that,” Jody said, sniffling.  


“I would also like to hug the sheriff,” Cas said and Jody let out a wet little laugh as she pulled back and let the angel sweep her into a hug.  


“Your participation was meaningful, Jody,” he said seriously. “To both of us. Thank you very much for officiating.”  


“It really was my pleasure, boys,” Jody said.  


“You practiced hard enough,” Claire said, giving Jody a playful nudge with her elbow.  


“Practice makes perfect,” Jody said, rolling her eyes at the young woman.  


Claire laughed and reached out, adjusting Cas’ tie. “I’m happy for you, Castiel,” she said in a soft voice. “I think...I think my dad would be too. Thanks for inviting me, even though I’ve been a dick sometimes.”  


“You had cause,” Cas said, his eyes wide and hopeful as he reached out to the young woman.  


Claire let him embrace her and there were tears in both of their eyes when she pulled back. “I’m gonna go find that redhead,” she said, wiping her eyes. “Congrats guys.”  


"Thank you, Claire," Cas said. 

She hurried off and Jody called “two drinks, max!” after her.  


Dean raised an eyebrow and the sheriff shrugged. “Do you really think she’ll listen if I tell her not to at all?” she asked.  


Dean made a face. She wasn’t wrong.  


Jody glanced over her shoulder and then turned back to them. “I think there’s some other folks who’d like to talk to you,” she said quietly. She caught them both in fierce hugs, then stepped back, smiling at Bobby, Sam, and Eileen as they approached. “Love ya both,” she said.  


“You too, Jody,” Dean rasped.  


“Told you you’d cry,” Sam teased gently.  


“Shaddup,” Dean replied, a big, stupid smile on his face.  


“Congratulations,” Eileen signed. “You were almost as pretty a bride as I was, big brother.”  


“Thanks,” Dean signed back before adjusting the flower in his buttonhole. “I clean up pretty good.”  


“If we’re all done fluffing the bride,” Bobby grumbled, though the crows feet in the corners of his eyes were very prominent as he tried not to smile. “You boys did good.” Bobby caught Cas in a rough hug. “Someone had to make an honest man out of him,” he said to the angel. “I’m just as glad that it’s you...son.”  


Dean knew he was crying again, but it didn’t matter, because Bobby had called Cas his son and Cas was blushing and crying and Sam had that stupid, knowing, affectionate look on his face.  


Bobby glanced at him over Cas’ shoulder and ruffled the angel’s hair affectionately before stepping back. “Come here, ya idjit,” he growled at Dean before jerking him in for a bone-crushing hug. “I'm happy for you both,” Bobby said, patting his back. “You two deserve each other.” He pulled back just a little, his hand on Dean’s shoulder as he looked Dean in the eyes. “Don’t be a stranger, boy, you hear?”  


“We won’t, Bobby,” Dean somehow managed to say.  


“You have our word...Dad,” Cas added.  


Bobby’s cheeks flushed bright red and he nodded, muttering something about needing a drink. He offered his arm to Eileen, who took it and led him off towards the bar.  
Sam watched them go, then turned back to Dean and Cas with a little shrug and a smile. “Guys,” he said. “I don’t even know what to say.”  


“You do not have to say anything, Sam,” Cas said. He frowned. “I know that I have said that Dean and I share a more profound bond, and while he is now my husband...I hope that you know that I consider our bond profound as well.” He glanced at Dean. “Not in the same way, obviously but-”  


“I know what you mean, Cas,” Sam said with a wry chuckle as he gave the angel a hug. “I’m glad to have you as a brother in more than just spirit now.” He glanced towards the bar where Eileen was nursing a glass of sparkling water. “I hope that when the baby gets here...we can count on you two to be godparents.”  


“You know it, Sammy,” Dean said, pulling his brother in for a hug. They stood there for a moment before Sam clapped him on the shoulder and let out a little cough. They pulled back, grinning at each other like idiots.  


“Congrats, guys,” Sam said. He glanced over his shoulder and turned back to Dean. “Do you want me to stay?” he asked softly. “Moral support?”  


“It’s all right, Sammy,” Dean said.  


“I am with him,” Cas said, stepping a little closer to Dean and tightening his arm around his waist.  


Sam smiled at him. “You sure are,” he said. “I’ll just be over there,” he said. “If you need me.”  


He gave them a last somewhat worried look, then walked over to Eileen, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head as they talked to Bobby.  


Dean took a deep breath and then turned to face the one pair of guests he was nervous about. In front of him stood his parents. Mary gave them an encouraging smile, but John’s face was unreadable.  


The heated words exchanged when they had announced their engagement hung between them. 

_“Never mind that you’re standing in my house telling me that you’re planning to **marry** another man like I should be happy that my son turned out to be a fucking-“_  


_“John!” Mary had interceded. “I won’t have that language in this house, especially not directed at one of our boys! He’s our son and he’s happy!”_  


_John’s face had turned an ugly puce as he glared at the three of them. “He’s not even human!” He bellowed, pointing at Cas._  


_“He’s more human than most people I know,” Dean had growled, his hands fisted at his sides. “And right now that includes you!”_  


_Mary written them a letter a few weeks later and their invitation had come at Cas’ insistence._  


_“You really are an angel,” Dean had told him when they put it in the mail._  


“It was a lovely ceremony,” Mary said after a moment of awkward silence.  


“We appreciate you coming,” Cas said, giving her a tentative smile. His eyes flicked to John and Dean felt his husband’s _holy shit I have a husband_ arm tighten around his waist. “Both of you.”  


“It was good of you to invite us,” John said, startling Dean. “All things considered.” He rolled his shoulders back and for a moment, Dean thought that things were going to take a turn, but to his great shock, John held his hand out to Cas. “Mary tells me that no one has ever looked after my son like you do,” he said with obvious effort. “I’m grateful for that.”  


“It is my pleasure,” Cas said. His eyes narrowed just slightly. “There is nothing I would not do to keep him safe.”  


Dean saw the corner of his father’s lip twitch up as the two men shook. John turned to him then and gave him a brief hug, pulling back almost immediately. “I...I’m glad you’re happy,” John said and Dean knew that was the closest he’d get to a congratulations from his father.  


“Thanks, Sir,” Dean said, somehow managing a smile.  


“I always used to tell Dean that angels were watching over him,” Mary said, giving her husband a look as she stepped forward. “I didn’t mean it quite so literally, but...I’m not sorry that I was right.” She smiled up at them. “Congratulations, you two. It makes me happy to see both of my boys so happy.” She glanced up at John. “It makes us _both_ happy,” she said.  


John nodded and then took Mary’s hand, leading her away towards the bar and leaving Dean standing with his husband.  


“That could have gone worse,” Dean said, turning to Cas.  


Cas’ expression was a concerned one as he looked up at Dean. “Are you all right?” the angel asked softly.  


Dean leaned in and kissed the corner of his lips. “Yeah,” he said a little gruffly. “I’m good.” He forced himself to take a deep breath. “It helped to have you with me.”  


“I always will be,” Cas said. “It is now a legal obligation, as well as a personal pleasure.”  


“Obligation, eh?” Dean growled, pulling Cas against him and in for a deep kiss. He heard cheering from behind them and smiled into the kiss, taking his time before breaking this one.  


“I hate to interrupt,” Bobby called out from the library. “But dinner’s ready!”  


Dean and Cas pulled back, smiling at each other, and together led the way to where the library tables had been moved and covered with cheerful tablecloths that matched the sunflowers and made the whole library look bright. Another table at the end of the room groaned with food that had been contributed by their guests, as well as several pies. Together they all sat down, enjoying the camaraderie and delicious barbeque as the sounds of chatter and laughter filled the Bunker. Dean was careful not to overindulge, though he did have two pieces of pie once they had been asked to cut it, because he’d promised Cas a dance. He was nervous as hell about it, and after they all had sat and chatted and digested a bit he heard a tap on the microphone and Charlie clear her throat nervously.  


“If everyone can help out, we can get things cleaned up and get to the dancing!” she said.  


Hunters were nothing if not efficient, and under Donna’s cheerful but firm direction, they soon had things cleaned up and the big tables moved to the back of the room.  


“That was...wow,” Charlie said, looking a little wide eyed. “Remind me to book you guys for my next LARP.” She smiled over at Dean and Cas from the makeshift DJ table in the corner and motioned for them to take the floor. A slightly wobbly looking Kevin at her side gave them two big thumbs up.  


Dean nodded to the redhead and she grinned at him before starting the music. He pulled Cas into his arms, hoping his blush wasn’t too obvious. Louie Armstrong’s distinctive voice began to play from the speakers.

 _“I see trees of green, red roses too,_  


_I see them bloom, from me to you,_  


_And I think to myself,_  


_What a wonderful world…”_

Cas snuggled into Dean’s shoulder as the two of them began to dance, well, not so much dance as cling to each other and sway, but Dean would remember it for the rest of his life. The faces of their friends and family around them, the way Cas felt in his arms, the soft, gentle, overwhelming _love_ of all of it, it was seared into his memory as surely as the Enochian was seared into his bones. He leaned his head against Cas’, closing his eyes and singing along with Louie soft enough that only Cas could hear.

 _I see skies of blue and clouds of white_  


_The bright blessed days, the dark sacred nights_  


_And I think to myself_  


_What a wonderful world_

Cas made a happy sound against him, his arms tightening. 

_The colors of the rainbow_  


_So pretty in the sky_  


_Are also on the faces_  


_Of people going by_

He heard Cas’ voice join Louie’s as the angel squeezed his hand. 

_I see friends shaking hands, saying, "How do you do?"_

Cas’ voice was rough as he whispered: _They're really saying, "I love you"_

They were both crying with big stupid smiles on their faces as the song wound down.

 _I hear babies cry,_  


“You called me a baby in a trenchcoat without my powers,” Cas teased, startling a laugh out of him. 

_I watch them grow_  


_They'll learn much more_  


_Than I'll ever know_  


_And I think to myself_  


_What a wonderful world_  


_Yes, I think to myself_  


_What a wonderful world_

Dean kissed Cas as the song faded out, clutching his angel to him tightly as their friends and families cheered. He pulled back a little and wiped Cas’ tears away, feeling his angel do the same for them. 

“SO BEAUTIFUL!” Kevin yelled from the DJ table, earning him an alarmed look from Charlie as she cast her eyes about for Mrs. Tran. 

“This one is for these two boys,” Charlie said quickly. “Heroes for us, and each other.” The strains of Pete Cetera’s “Glory of Love” began to play as Charlie jumped down and ran to the bar, returning with water for Kevin. 

Dean watched them both, smiling for a moment before Cas pulled him in for another dance. Before long they were singing along to the power ballad, much to the apparent amusement of their guests. 

“You are definitely the hero I have been dreaming of,” Cas whispered and Dean grinned at him.

Normally he would teased Cas for being so sappy, but it was their wedding night and he was feeling sappier than a sugar maple. “Likewise, angel,” Dean replied, reaching up to cup Cas’ cheek. They kissed again and resumed dancing, though after the first couple of dances they did start letting other folks cut in. Dean was just about to dance with Jody as Cas was leading Donna onto the floor when suddenly an alarm began to blare from the map room.

All around then Dean heard the sounds of weapons being readied.

“Well,” he said, grinning at their friends as he checked his gun. “At least we’ll look good kicking ass. Last one to their car buys drinks after.”

****

“Dean?”  


Dean blinked open his eyes and felt the tears drying on his face as he looked up at Castiel. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said, his voice rough. “I know that I am a great big sap.”  


“I found it very sweet,” Cas said, pulling him to his feet and into an embrace. “I feel privileged to have shared it with you.”  


Dean leaned against his partner, and for a moment they just held each other. For all that he joked about being a sap, he was surprised by his lack of embarrassment. It felt good to have shared that with Cas.  


“Samia is getting ready to go to the airport,” Cas said, pulling back just a little. “Will you be all right to see her off? Then we can go to your room and...talk.”  


“Just talk?” Dean teased, leaning against Cas gratefully nonetheless as the angel put an arm around his waist.  


“You’re drunk,” Cas said, brushing his lips over Dean’s cheek.  


Dean grumbled at having his own argument used against him, but allowed Cas to lead him out to the staircase where Samia was chatting with Sam. “Got what you need?” he asked her.  


“I do, but you do not,” Samia said, giving them a warm smile. She reached into her purse and pulled out the roll of parchment. She unrolled it onto the table and signed it, then handed the pen to Cas. 

The angel signed as well, then they both cut their thumbs and put a print next to their name.  


“Congratulations, Castiel,” Samia said, rolling the parchment up once it was dry and tucking it away next to the special pouch that held the blood from the rituals. “You are now a free man.”  


“Thank you, Samia,” Cas said. “We are grateful. I wish you luck on your...ambitious venture with the other Djinn.”  


She let out a throaty chuckle. “They will come to heel,” she said and for a moment there was a flicker of something dangerous in her eyes. “Or they will find their existence very...uncomfortable.”  


Dean raised an eyebrow at Sam as Cas walked Samia up the stairs, but his brother just shook his head and then grabbed his elbow as the room spun.  


“You ok?” Sam asked, frowning.  


“Tired,” Dean admitted.  


“Then we should get you to bed,” Cas said, hurrying back down and not so subtly nudging Sam out of the way so that he could wrap his arm around Dean. Sam smiled at them both and headed off towards his room as Cas led Dean back to their room at a slightly more sedate pace. Once they arrived the two of them collapsed onto the bed, tangling their legs together as Cas covered them with the blanket. He pulled Dean’s head against his chest and Dean cuddled against him, enjoying the feeling of Cas’ fingers running through his hair.  


“You have put a great deal of thought into our wedding,” Cas said after a few minutes of comfortable silence.  


“Says the man who has our house all built in his head,” Dean gently teased back. He melted a little at the warm rumble of Cas’ laugh as the angel kissed the top of his head.  


“I do not usually sleep,” Cas replied. “I have time.”  


Dean snorted, kissing the underside of Cas’ jaw. “I liked it,” he said, wanting to reassure Cas. “The house, I mean.”  


“I liked the wedding,” Cas said. “It was very...personal. I just wish…” he trailed off, planting another kiss on top of Dean’s head.  


Dean looked up at Cas, frowning. “What is it?” he asked. “Different flowers? A wedding cake instead of pies?” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Strippers?”  


“As I recall,” Cas said and Dean could hear the smile in his voice. “It went badly the last time I was around strippers. We had to flee out the back door.”  


Dean grinned. “I remember,” he said. “That was great. But seriously Cas, what would you do differently?”  


Cas was quiet for a moment. “Dean...It was not lost on me that many of our guests are people who you have lost. If I could bring them back...if I could give you that chance to see them joyful and whole...I hope that you know that I would.”  


“Damn it, Cas,” Dean rasped, burrowing his face into Cas’ chest. The angel wasn’t wrong. The number of faces that he would never see again that were present at the wedding wasn’t lost on him either. He swallowed hard. “I know that you would, babe,” he said, pulling back so that he could look up into Cas’ gorgeous eyes. “I know.”  


Cas’ hand was cool and gentle on his cheek. “I gathered from the dream that...that you do not think that your parents would be pleased?”  


Dean sighed, closing his eyes. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “Mom had a chance to get to know you. She liked you but Dad...I think he would have struggled with the angel thing. Even if we weren’t together. He would have had a really hard time trusting you.”  


Dean paused, not wanting to hurt Cas’ feelings, but also not wanting to lie. “I don’t think he would have been ok with us...even if you weren’t an angel,” he admitted. “The way he talked about men who got involved with other men...I just don’t see him taking it well.”  


“But his disapproval...it did not stop you from marrying me,” Cas said quietly, his eyes searching Dean’s. “Though I know that his voice is often the one that causes you to...pull away.”  


Dean flinched, but Cas shook his head.  


“I only mean...you still chose me,” Cas said, his thumb brushing back and forth over Dean’s cheekbone. “Despite that.”  


“Of course I did,” Dean said, pulling Cas in for a kiss. “It’s you, Cas.”  


The angel made a happy sound against his lips and the two of them lay there for a long time just cuddling and kissing tenderly. Dean could feel his exhaustion weighing on him after the emotional toll of his dream, and Cas was adamant that they not get physical, citing Dean’s own reason. So Dean grumbled, but allowed the angel to spoon him as he closed his eyes and drifted off with Louie Armstrong’s voice still drifting through his mind. 

_I think to myself, what a wonderful world…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you all enjoyed this bit of shameless fluff. I wrote this a few days ago and had intended it to be much longer and include smut. I was working on the smutty stuff earlier when a violent mob descended on the US Capitol Building and I just...couldn't keep going. I'll post that stuff as a separate chapter hopefully this weekend. I just...I wanted to put something purely happy out there today. 
> 
> **Please** stay safe out there and I hope that this is at least a pleasant distraction for everyone else feeling uncertain, sad, and furious right now. 
> 
> Love you all and thank you for reading.
> 
> ~SLN


	17. They're Really Saying: "I love you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas explore new levels of intimacy together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFFY SMUT IINCOMING

“Dean?”  


Dean rolled over, blinding groping for Cas as he struggled to wake up. His hands only encountered empty space on the bed and he grudgingly opened his eyes. Cas was standing next to the bed holding two plates instead of being snuggled up with him. “Babe?”  


“I made breakfast,” Cas said and there was something in his voice that woke Dean right up.  


Dean sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What happened?” he asked, finally looking up at his angel and really taking him in.  


Cas looked, for lack of a better word, frazzled. “Despite my very long life as a Soldier of the Lord, and my time as a member of ‘Team Free Will’, it would appear that I do not have the courage of my convictions,” Cas said. He sounded _grumpy_ and Dean did his best to keep from smiling.  


“Oh yeah?” Dean asked, tilting his head up and trying to see over the rim of the plates.  


“I cleaned it up,” Cas hurried to add, plopping down on the bed. In his hands were two plates of scrambled eggs and some toast, with a few pieces of bacon. It all looked...fine. Dean frowned over at his angel.  


“Cleaned what up?” Dean asked, accepting his plate and a fork.  


Cas sighed and shook his head, glowering at his eggs. “I was trying to make an omelette,” he grumbled. “And I attempted to flip it, like Julia. I was not successful.”  


Dean managed to swallow the laugh, but couldn’t keep the smile from his face. Ever since Cas had spent time as a human he had become very interested in food in general and cooking shows in particular. He was fascinated by the process. More than once Dean had woken up to find Cas squinting at the screen on his phone and come awake suddenly, worried that the angel had gotten a troubling text from another hunter only to find that Cas was watching No Reservations or Masterchef, or of course, The French Chef.  


“Still looks good,” Dean said, spearing some eggs and taking a bite. He chewed contemplatively for a moment. “Can barely taste the shells,” he said, then felt awful when Cas gave the eggs a stricken look. “Kidding!” he hurried to say. “They’re great, Cas. You didn’t use soap on the cast iron did you?”  


Cas glanced at him, his lips curling into a smile. “I did not use the cast iron,” he said in the tone of someone expecting a fight. He and Dean disagreed on the best way to make bacon and eggs. Dean did everything in the cast iron because why use multiple tools when you could use one? Cas preferred the nonstick skillet for eggs and a sheet pan in the oven for the bacon.  


Dean grinned at him, making an exaggerated show of rolling his eyes. “You’ve been watching too much Food Network,” he teased.  


“You appear to be enjoying my efforts,” Cas said, munching on a piece of bacon.  


“You did good, Cas,” Dean said, suddenly finding himself blushing. “I don’t think I’ve had breakfast in bed before,” he said. “It was really...sweet of you.”  


“I would be happy to make it a regular occurrence,” Cas said. He raised an eyebrow. “As long as we do not have to fight about the sheet pan every time.”  


“Deal,” Dean agreed. They ate together in companionable silence and it was so utterly domestic that Dean could feel himself grinning as he scooped up the last of the eggs with his toast and topped it with the last little bit of bacon. He let out a happy sigh and rose, holding out his hand for Cas’ plate.  


“You don’t have to-”  


“You cooked,” Dean said, grabbing it before Cas could stop him and taking the plates to the kitchen. He noted with some pleasure that he’d at least taught Cas something, and the angel had cleaned as he cooked. There wasn’t much to do besides their dishes, and once they were on the drying rack Dean pulled Cas in for a deep kiss. Cas’ arms went around his neck and Dean smiled into the kiss as he tightened his arms around Cas’ waist. “Thanks for breakfast, baby,” Dean said after a few blissful minutes.  


“It was my pleasure,” Cas said, blushing. “I am glad that my failure to flip an omelette did not detract too badly from the meal. So…” he said, stroking his fingertips over the nape of Dean’s neck and making him shiver. “Now that you are sated-”  


“Who says I am?” Dean growled, pulling Cas against him so that the angel could feel how hard he was. Cas let out an adorable little gasp, his eyes going wide.  


“Already?” Cas said.  


Dean brought his hand around the front of Cas’ body, brushing his palm over the front of Cas’ pajama pants. He could feel how hard Cas was and gave him a gentle squeeze, raising one eyebrow at the angel. “You’re one to talk,” he said. He gave Cas a quick kiss on the lips and let go of his cock, taking his hand. “Come on,” he said, all but pulling the angel out of the kitchen. “No fooling around in the kitchen.”  


“What about that time we-”  


“Sam and Eileen were gone overnight,” Dean interrupted, his cock twitching at the memory of Cas sucking him off in the kitchen one lazy Sunday morning. “And be quiet, or they’ll hear you.” He glanced at his watch. It was close to ten in the morning, which meant that he and Cas would be good to shower. Sam and Eileen always showered after working out together first thing in the morning like a couple of weirdos. He and Cas preferred to shower just before bed. “Shower?” he asked, feeling suddenly shy. After the past few days it felt like they were moving quickly towards something new and deeper. He was excited for it, but nervous as well.  


“Yes,” Cas said as they entered Dean’s room. “I smell like bacon.”  


Dean kissed him again, finishing with a soft nip to Cas’ neck that made the angel moan. “Sure do,” he said, flicking his tongue against Cas’ ear.  


Cas let out a breathless laugh and turned, catching Dean’s lips with his own as he grabbed the bottom hem of Dean’s shirt and tugged it upwards. Then it was a race to see who could get the other naked first, with both of them laughing as they vied for a grip on each other’s clothes. Cas won in the end, he usually did, because once he had Dean’s shirt off he started nipping and nibbling at Dean’s collarbone and neck in a way that Dean was utterly defenseless against. They stopped kissing long enough to put on their robes and all but run down to the shower room, where they locked the door behind themselves and hung their robes.  


Dean watched Cas turn the water on, loving how the gentle light of the room highlighted the play of the muscles beneath Cas’ skin. He loved Cas’ little smile and sigh of pleasure as he stepped under the water and the way Cas shook the water out of his hair when he looked over at Dean.  


“Coming?” Cas asked.  


“Not yet,” Dean teased and Cas rolled his eyes and grabbed him by the wrist, gently pulling him under the water.  


“You are incorrigible,” Cas said.  


Dean nodded and felt warmed through by Cas’ affectionate laugh. The sound turned quickly to a gasp as their cocks rubbed together under the warm water and Dean’s breath caught in his throat as they kissed, pressing their bodies more firmly together and increasing the friction. They barely stopped kissing as they washed each other, taking their time. Normally one of them would take the opportunity to stroke the other’s cock, or even sink down to their knees, but today...today they just luxuriated in the water and the feeling of each other’s bodies. As sweet as it was, the prolonged gentle caresses slowly worked both of them up until they were letting out soft cries of need every time their bodies brushed under the water.  


“Cas,” Dean groaned as Cas let out a soft little whimper into his ear.  


“Mmmmm,” Cas replied, catching Dean’s earlobe between his teeth and tugging.  


Dean cursed and grabbed Cas’ hair, gently pulling him back and looking into his angel’s eyes. “Cas, we need to take this horizontal before one of us breaks something.”  


“The shower is very sturdy,” Cas replied, his pupils filling his eyes until only a thin ring of blue peeked out. His lips curled into the hungry smile that made Dean’s knees weak. “And so am I.”  


“Son of a bitch,” Dean growled, jerking Cas in for another kiss. This one was every bit as intense as the previous ones had been sweet as their tongues twined together and their nails left marks on each other's backs. Dean found himself pinned against the shower wall, yelping at the cool tile as Cas mouth crushed onto his. Cas’ hand was around his cock stroking and Dean couldn’t help but take the angel in hand as well, gasping into the kiss as they began to stroke each other hard and fast.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned into his mouth. “Dean, I need-” he trailed off in a whimper as Dean concentrated his strokes on the upper half of his cock. His hand left Dean’s cock and went to his shoulder as Cas clung to him, little tremors going through his body as Dean pushed.  


Then, before Cas could react, Dean turned off the water and took his hand from Cas’ cock.  


Cas’ frustrated, needy sound was adorable and Dean liked to think that his answering smile was rakish and not just...desperate. “Bed,” he said, giving Cas a peck on the cheek before stepping away to grab them towels. They dried off much more quickly than usual and donned their robes before hurrying back to their room. The robes hit the floor almost instantly once the door was shut behind them, but Dean found himself hesitating as he ran his fingers up and down Cas’ back.  


“Dean?” Cas asked, leaning his forehead against Dean’s. “Are you all right?”  


“Yeah,” Dean replied. “I just...this feels...different.”  


“Good different?” Cas asked and Dean could hear the worry in his voice.  


“Yeah,” Dean replied. “Good different. I’m just...nervous, I guess.”  


“We don’t have to do anything,” Cas said, just like Dean knew he would.  


Dean let out a little chuff of laughter. “You sure, baby?” he teased, rocking his hips forward so that their cocks would rub together.  


Cas smiled up at him and nodded. “Yes, Dean,” he said softly.  


_He’s so damn sweet_ , Dean thought. “Do…” he swallowed hard. “Do you want to...to...you know...”  


“Make love?” Cas whispered, looking up into his eyes. Dean could see the hope in his partner’s eyes, as desperately as Cas was trying to hide it.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, cupping his cheek. “That.”  


“Do you?” Cas asked immediately.  


“I asked you first,” Dean replied.  


“But if I answer, you will try to give me what _I_ want,” Cas said stubbornly. “I don’t want you to take that step for _me_ , Dean. I want it to be because _you_ want it.”  


Dean pulled Cas’ forehead against his. “Would you believe that I do?” he said, brushing his lips against Cas’. “I’m nervous, Cas, but it’s ok.” He reached up and gave the angel’s hair a gentle tug. “Stop trying to talk me out of it,” he said with a smile.  


When he opened his eyes he saw that Cas’ were shining as the angel smiled up at him. “I’m yours, Dean,” he said.  


“I’m yours too, Cas,” Dean replied, pulling him in for a kiss. Slowly he walked his angel back to the bed and they lay down facing one another, legs tangled together, bodies flush against one another.  


“I love you,” Cas whispered against Dean’s neck where his lips were conducting a thorough exploration.  


“I love you, baby,” Dean replied, arching his back as Cas’ lips found that really sensitive spot where his neck and shoulder joined. “Fuck, you feel good, Cas!”  


Cas made a pleased sounding noise and then surprised him by pulling back just a little and looking up at him. “Dean...I meant what I said the other day,” he said, his eyes searching Dean’s as he smoothed his hand up and down Dean’s back.  


Dean thought he knew what the angel was referring to, but he wanted, no, he needed to hear him say it. “Refresh my memory?” he asked, running his thumb back and forth over Cas’ cheek.  


He saw Cas’ adam’s apple bob as the angel swallowed. “That I would be happy for you to be the one to...to have me our first time,” he said, his cheeks turning pink. “I trust you.”  


“You do know I have no idea what I’m doing, right?” Dean asked, a knot in his stomach at the idea that he might inadvertently hurt Cas in some way.  


“We will figure it out together,” Cas said with such calm, such faith that Dean felt his eyes start to burn.  


“You are so sweet, Cas,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I...I still don’t know what you see in me but I’m fucking glad that you do.”  


Cas’ answering smile was a sultry one that made Dean’s cock jerk. “I am not only sweet, Dean,” he said in a husky voice that raised the hairs on Dean’s arms. “I do hope that I may one day have the opportunity to return the favor.”  


Dean shuddered hard and swatted Cas on the ass when the angel let out a little laugh. “What are you saying?” he asked, nipping Cas’ neck just below his jaw.  


Cas looked at him in a way that reminded Dean of how the angel had looked when he had bound Dean to the bed and Dean couldn’t help but shiver. He knew Cas had felt it from the way his eyebrow rose and his lips curled into that almost...sneer that told Dean that the angel would be more than happy to tie him up again. Cas’ hand slid up into Dean’s hair and abruptly tightened as the angel jerked his head back, baring Dean’s throat. His kisses were less gentle than usual, marked instead by the rasp of Cas’ stubble and brief flares of pain as the angel nipped and licked his way back up to Dean’s lips. “You are not a stupid man, Dean,” Cas growled. “I think you know very well what I meant.”  


Dean did his best to mimic Cas’ wide-eyed innocent look and knew that he’d failed when his partner let out a low rumble of laughter. “Dean,” Cas growled into his ear. “I am saying that one day, if you are comfortable, I would very much like to have _you_.”  


Dean couldn’t help but gasp, arching against Cas. “I want you to,” he said, feeling his cock dripping as Cas kissed him. “I’m not ready today,” he admitted. “But I want it, Cas. I want to share that with you.”  


Cas smiled, his normal sweet smile, but his kiss was intense as he pressed his body against Dean’s. “I...how would you like to start?” he asked.  


Dean blushed, running his hand through Cas’ hair. “How about like this?” he asked. Then, he pulled Cas in for a deep, slow kiss. He took his time, gently teasing his angel’s lips open as he tangled one hand in Cas’ hair and splayed the other across Cas’ lower back. Cas moaned softly, his arms tightening around Dean as the kiss deepened.  


“I love you,” Dean said.  


Cas smiled dreamily at him. “I love you,” he replied. “Are you...are you sure about this?” he asked as Dean slowly nudged him onto his back. “I swear that we don’t have to, if you aren’t-”  


Dean silenced him with another kiss, rocking his hips against Cas as the angel’s arms tightened around him. “I’m sure,” he said. “Are you?”  


Cas nodded, looking up at him. His eyes were wide, but there was a smile on his face. “I am...nervous as well,” he admitted. “This falls outside my own sexual experience.” He swallowed, his cheeks coloring. “Will it…-” he paused, his eyes cutting to the side.  


“We won’t let it change anything, baby,” Dean promised, cupping Cas’ cheek. “I promise.”  


Cas turned his head, kissing his palm before shaking his head slightly. “Will it...will it hurt?” he asked in a tiny voice that sent a surge of fierce protectiveness through Dean.  


_My fucking heart._ “It might," Dean said, wanting Cas to go into things with open eyes. "But I _swear_ to you, Cas, I am going to do everything I can to make sure it doesn't," Dean said firmly. “If I’m hurting you, if you are uncomfortable in _any_ way you _tell_ me.”  


Cas nodded and they kissed again. Dean continued to kiss his angel and caress his cheeks and hair until he felt Cas begin to relax beneath him. “C’mere,” he said, rolling to the side and sitting up against the headboard.  


Cas cocked his head, his brow furrowing. “Dean?”  


“Look,” Dean said, taking Cas’ hand and giving it a gentle tug. “If I’m gonna be driving the bus on this one, you gotta actually let me drive, ok? Trust me.”  


“I do,” Cas said and did as he asked, scooting back between Dean’s legs and leaning against him.  


Dean put his arms around his angel for a moment and just held him, smiling as he leaned his head against Cas’. He turned his head and kissed Cas’ cheek before leaning back and beginning to rub Cas’ shoulders.  


Cas let out a happy sigh as Dean worked, his hands resting lightly on Dean’s legs. Dean took his time in order to give them both a chance to relax and get comfortable. He focused his attention on Cas’ neck and shoulders, alternating between deep pressure and gentle, soothing caresses. He knew Cas’ body almost as well as his own by now and knew all the best places to touch Cas to relax him. That spot right at the base of his skull, the area between his shoulder blades, and everything between were subject to Dean’s focus until Cas melted back against him and nuzzled under his chin. Dean did what he always did at that point and slid his hand up into Cas’ hair, gently trailing his nails in circles. His other arm he slid around Cas’ waist, tugging Cas more firmly against himself. He loved the feeling of Cas being so relaxed against him. “Baby?” he whispered, letting his lips brush against the outer shell of Cas’ ear.  


“Yes, Dean?” Cas breathed, tilting his head to allow him more access.  


“Do you trust me?” he asked, giving Cas’ neck a gentle kiss.  


“Yes,” Cas replied. “With my life, Dean.” Dean could hear the smile in the angel’s voice. “And my heart.”  


“What about your body?” Dean growled, knowing that Cas could hear him smiling too.  


Cas let out a soft laugh, turning his head and catching Dean’s lips with his own. “There is no one with whom I’d rather share it,” he said against Dean’s lips. “No one I trust more.”  


“Thanks for that,” Dean replied, kissing the corner of Cas’ lips and then his cheek. “I’m gonna do my best not to disappoint.”  


“I am in your arms, Dean,” Cas said, closing his eyes and leaning back against Dean. “I could never be disappointed.”  


“You’re so sweet,” Dean said, beginning to stroke his fingers up and down Cas’ chest and belly.  


The angel let out an adorable little gasp and stretched out against Dean, one of his arms reaching back so he could tangle his fingers in Dean’s hair. Cas wasn’t ticklish, annoying since Dean definitely _was_ , but the angel was super reactive to having his chest, belly, and sides stroked in a way that would have had Dean convulsing in giggles.  


“Feel good?” Dean asked, sliding his other hand down from Cas’ hair so that he could touch Cas with both.  


“Mmmmmm,” Cas breathed, smiling.  


Dean smiled back, kissing Cas’ temple as he slid his hand down further, working his way down below Cas’ belly button before pausing. Cas’ lips were parted as he let out breathy little gasps as Dean touched and teased him, taking his time. He watched Cas’ face closely for any signs of discomfort or worry as he let his fingertips trail down over Cas’ hips, giving them a gentle squeeze.  


“Dean,” Cas breathed. “Please?”  


“Please what, baby?” Dean asked.  


“Touch me,” Cas said, his breath coming faster.  


On a more playful day, Dean would have pushed, encouraging Cas to get more specific.  


As it was, he just wanted to give Cas what he wanted. So he nuzzled into Cas’ neck, taking hold of the angel’s hip with one hand and wrapping the other around Cas’ cock.  


Cas moaned and the sound went straight to Dean’s cock, making it twitch and drip, but he wasn’t about to rush. Not now. Instead he stroked his partner slowly, murmuring to him as he did. They had worked out quite some time ago that they both got off on hearing the other talk as they got intimate. Dean wasn’t normally a big talker during sex, feeling that actions generally spoke louder than words. 

But, like so many other things, it was different with Cas.  


“You are so sexy, Cas,” he said softly, letting the angel feel his lips against his neck and ear. “I love how you feel against me. I love how you sound when I touch you. _Fuck_ , it drives me crazy.”  


“How-how do I sound?” Cas asked.  


Dean smiled, giving Cas’ neck a gentle nip just to elicit a gasp from him. “Like that,” he replied. He tightened his hand around Cas’ cock, focusing his attention on the top third of it in a serious of quick, hard strokes. Cas whimpered, his whole body shuddering. “And like that,” Dean said. He kissed Cas’ neck, releasing his cock and grinning at Cas’ breathless moan of need. “Fuck yes, like that,” he growled. “You sound _hot_ , Cas,” he said and loved Cas’ happy little sound. The angel definitely had a bit of a praise thing that Dean was more than happy to indulge. “You sound so good when I touch you, when your body is getting all tight just aching for that….release.”  


“Please, Dean!” Cas breathed, arching his back.  


“Please what, baby?” Dean asked, leaving a trail of kisses down Cas’ neck.  


“I need you,” Cas said, wrapping his hand around his cock and beginning to stroke. “I need you, Dean!”  


_Fuck, how is he so fucking sexy?_ , Dean thought as he watched his angel rock into his own touch. “So needy already, Cas?” he asked.  


“Do...do you really mind?” Cas asked, glancing back at him.  


“Nah,” Dean admitted, reaching down and grabbing Cas’ wrist. “Knock it off,” he said, nipping Cas’ neck hard. “That’s my job.” The angel groaned, but stopped touching himself. Dean eased out from behind him and gently lay Cas down, leaning in to kiss the angel on the lips before beginning to kiss down Cas’ body.  


He loved how responsive Cas was, how the angel arched into his touch and moaned as Dean flicked his tongue against his nipples. He loved how Cas’ skin felt under his hands and lips and he was more than happy to take his time. If he was honest, this was where Dean was in his element. Sure, there were times when you just needed to blow off steam and enjoy something quick and dirty. But for him, the real pleasure was in taking your time and making sure that your partner was completely taken care of. He wanted the bed a wreck, the sheets needing to be changed, both partners needing a shower and maybe a confession.  


He didn’t hesitate to take Cas into his mouth now, letting out a growl of pleasure as one of Cas’ hands tangled in his hair and rested lightly on his head.  


“Dean!”  


He smiled and slowly worked his way down, taking as much of Cas into his mouth as he could as he reached between the angel’s legs and ran his fingertips in slow circles around Cas’ balls. He loved how Cas whimpered and parted his legs for him, loved the gentle rock of the angel’s hips as he tried to remain still while also desperately chasing his release. He loved Cas’ soft tugs on his hair and the way Cas’ thighs trembled as he let Cas’ cock slip from his lips. He took Cas in his hand then, watching the angel closely as he began to stroke.  


“Yes!” Cas whimpered, his free hand clutching the bedsheets next to his hip. “Dean!”  


“Yeah, baby?” Dean asked, leaning in and running his tongue around the head of Cas’ cock.  


“Dean!”  


Dean grinned and sucked Cas’ head back into his mouth, not stopping the motion of his hand.  


Cas moaned and it was so _deep_ , so fucking good that Dean felt his cock jerk.  


He let Cas slip from his mouth, looking up at him. “Fuck you look so good,” he breathed.  


“Please!” Cas whimpered as Dean licked the beads of wetness that formed on the tip of Cas’ cock. “Dean, please just make me cum!”  


“Not yet, baby,” Dean replied, slowing his hand down and beginning to give Cas’ cock long, incredibly slow strokes that went all the way up and down.  


Cas groaned, but he was smiling. “I-I’ll remember this when it’s my turn,” he panted and Dean felt the fluttering of butterflies in his stomach. Fuck, that was a good thought.  


“Mmmmm, promise?” Dean asked, nipping the inside of Cas’ thigh.  


Cas let out a breathless laugh, nodding.  


Dean laughed as well, growing serious as he pulled back a little. “You still ok?” he asked, caressing the outsides of Cas’ thighs. “Should I keep doing this? Or-”  


Cas’ eyes were huge, his pupils totally blown out as he blushed and slowly pulled his right leg up to his chest. “I’m yours,” he said.  


Dean smiled up at him, trying to ignore how his heart was pounding. He leaned in and gave Cas a tender kiss on the inner thigh. “I’ve got you,” he promised as he lay back down between Cas’ legs. He kissed Cas’ thigh again, slowly working his way in and listening to Cas’ soft sounds of need. The angel gasped as Dean flicked his tongue against his balls and then sucked one, then the other into his mouth. He took his time, no longer thrown by the texture or the sensation. Instead he was focused on the sound of Cas’ moans and the way his thigh tensed under his hand. He let them slip from his mouth and blew on them, loving how Cas gasped and twitched. Then, he began to lick behind them, slowly working his way down as Cas whimpered and nodded.  


“Dean!”  


“I’ve got you,” Dean said again, kissing the soft skin behind Cas’ balls before beginning to lick back further and further as slowly as he could. Cas let out the sexiest little wail as Dean's tongue brushed over his hole and the angel shuddered Dean’s tongue traveled in a slow circle. Dean did it again, applying a little more pressure, his own body tensing as Cas’ moans grew less breathy and more deep and needy. He began to lick Cas with firm, slow strokes, alternating between teasing with the tip of his tongue and dragging the flat of his tongue over the tight ring of muscle over and over and over until Cas was trembling under his hands and mouth, repeatedly whimpering Dean’s name. Once Cas was there, Dean pushed him a little further, easing the tip of his tongue inside and then sucking just to see Cas’ back arch off the bed as the angel cried out his name. He pulled back a little and kissed the insides of Cas’ thighs before reaching over and getting the lube from the bedside table.  


“How are you feeling?” he asked his angel, rubbing Cas’ thighs.  


Cas looked up at him, smiling. “Like I want to knock you over and torture you in the same way,” he said.  


Dean grinned back, giving his thigh a squeeze. “Seriously though, Cas...you ok?”  


Cas glanced down at his cock, then raised an eyebrow. “Not entirely,” he said. He reached down and laced his fingers through Dean’s. “I’m fine,” he added. “I promise.”  


Dean swallowed hard. “I...you want me to keep going?”  


“If you are sure you want to,” Cas said. “You have already made me feel so good, Dean, we could stop if you weren’t comfortable.”  


“I’m good, babe,” Dean said, inwardly still a little amazed at how true it was. He was nervous, yes, but the undeniable evidence of how much Cas was enjoying what he was doing, he was finding it easier to relax. “I want to keep going,” he added. “I want to have this with you.”  


Cas nodded, an adorable smile on his face. “I’m yours, Dean,” he said.  


Dean leaned down and kissed him hard before sitting back and pouring a little lube over his fingers. He kissed the inside of Cas’ thigh and then rested his hand behind Cas’ knee, slowly pushing his leg back up to his chest. “I’ve got you,” Dean said before reaching down and stroking his middle finger over Cas’ hole.  


Cas arched up off the bed, moaning and clutching at the sheets as Dean touched him. He took his time, knowing that the last thing in the world he wanted was to rush this part. He wanted Cas to be relaxed and ready for him. He’d promised not to hurt his angel and he intended to keep that promise. So, he teased Cas, running his finger in circles as Cas trembled beneath him until every breath from the angel was punctuated by a moan. Then, he reached up and wrapped his hand around Cas’ cock, working his hand up and down as slowly as he could and occasionally brushing his thumb back and forth over the wetness on the head.  


"You ready, Cas?" Dean asked, rubbing Cas' hole with his middle finger. 

"Yes!" Cas breathed, his eyelids fluttering. "Please, Dean!" 

Dean nodded and, watching his angel closely for any signs of discomfort, Dean began to ease his middle finger into Cas.  


Cas moaned, arching his back. “Dean!”  


“You ok?” Dean asked, pausing.  


Cas nodded. “Yes! Please...more.”  


Dean swallowed hard, kissing Cas’ knee as he worked his finger in deeper. He moaned as Cas closed around him, so tight and hot and then his finger brushed against that spot inside Cas that had the angel moaning his name and rocking his hips chasing the sensation.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned. “There!”  


Dean crooked his finger, loving how Cas gasped and the way the muscles in his belly tensed as Dean did it again and again. Cas’ cock was dripping on his belly and Dean rocked forward to lick it, briefly closing his lips around the top of Cas’ cock. He wasn’t prepared for how Cas cried out his name, or how the angel grabbed his hair, or the way the motion of Cas’ hips stuttered as Dean slowly pulled his finger out. He kissed the tip of Cas’ cock and sat up, applying more lube to his fingers before pressing two fingers to Cas and gently pushing them in. Cas let out a soft little gasp, his hand groping for Dean. Dean caught it with his free hand, lacing his fingers through Cas. “You ok?” he asked, watching Cas’ face closely.  


“Feels so good,” Cas panted, squeezing his hand. “Don’t stop, Dean, please!”  


Dean nodded and set himself to easing his fingers in and out, pausing every few strokes to brush his fingers over Cas’ p-spot as he idly stroked the angel’s cock. He was glad that they had watched so much porn together, and that he'd taken the time to do research on his own so that he'd have _some_ idea of what he was doing. He listened to the sounds of Cas’ breathing, trying to focus more on that than the delicious way Cas moved, and moaned, and felt so tight and hot around him. He loved this part, the part before you took that final plunge. He had spent hours going down on women, licking and sucking until their bodies were in that gorgeous impossible place between violin string tension and utter, boneless, relaxation. He pursued the same thin line with Cas now, alternating between stroking and sucking the angel’s cock and curling his fingers inside to make Cas arch up and see his cock drip.  


“Dean!” Cas gasped and there was something sharper, more desperate in his voice.  


Dean looked up into the angel’s eyes, now almost completely black as his pupils all but swallowed the gorgeous blue and knew that Cas was as ready as Dean could ever make him.  


Dean withdrew his fingers gently and took a deep breath before applying more lube to Cas and a generous amount to his own cock. He wiped the excess off his fingers on the damp, soapy towel he’d prepared before kneeling between Cas’ legs. His heart was pounding in his ears as he looked up at his angel. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice rough.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered. “I’ve never been more sure of anything except pulling you out of the pit,” he said, his eyes shining. “I’m yours.”  


Dean leaned down, shuddering as the head of his cock pressed against Cas. “I’ve got you,” he said, not taking his eyes off of Cas. “I’ve got you, Cas. I love you.”  


“I love you too, Dean,” Cas replied, reaching up and pulling Dean in for a kiss. They smiled at each other as Dean looked down and began to ease into his beloved angel. The two of them moaned as the head of his cock slid inside and though his body was screaming at him to thrust and feel Cas close all around him, Dean held still, leaning his forehead against Cas’. He forced himself to breath deeply, focusing on how Cas felt beneath him and the way his beautiful eyes fluttered open.  


“Dean,” Cas breathed, tilting his face up for a kiss.  


Dean was happy to oblige, giving Cas a languid, deep kiss that left them both breathing hard. “I can stop here,” he said, ignoring how stridently his body objected to that idea.  


“Please don’t stop,” Cas asked in a breathy little voice. “Dean, please, I want to feel you. _Please_.”  


Dean nodded; how could he deny his partner anything when he was looking up at Dean with such trust and need? He kissed Cas softly and began to press deeper, focusing on his angel’s breathing for any signs of distress. But Cas only moaned, his hips rocking forward and pulling Dean into him more deeply. They both gasped then and froze, breathing hard.  


“Fuck, Cas!” Dean managed to grit out. “Slow down, baby. Please, I don’t want you to get hurt.”  


“It doesn’t hurt badly, Dean,” Cas groaned, his hips still moving. “It doesn’t, I can take it, I promise. It feels _so good_.”  


“I don’t want it to hurt at _all_ ,” Dean growled, grabbing Cas’ hips and holding him still. “Please, sweetheart, please let me do this.”  


Cas let out an adorable little huff, but stilled, nuzzling into Dean’s neck. “I am not made of glass,” he grumbled.  


“But you are precious to _me_ ,” Dean replied, hoping the echo of his own words would help him convince Cas. “Please?”  


Cas wrapped his legs around him, a brilliant smile on his face even though his eyes were shiny with tears. “I love you,” Cas said, draping his arms around Dean’s neck. “I’m yours.” He stuck his tongue out at Dean. “I’ll be still...for now.”  


Dean laughed, feeling some of the tension leave his shoulders as he leaned down and gave Cas a sloppy kiss on the neck. Then, he began to move again, using every ounce of his self control to keep his pace slow and steady until-  


“Cas!” Dean gasped at the feeling of Cas’ body closing completely around his cock. “Sweet merciful fuck, Castiel!”  


“Dean,” Cas moaned, his eyes wide and unfocused as they met Dean’s. “It feels….it _feels_!”  


“Good?” Dean asked, cupping Cas’ cheeks. “Does it feel ok, sweetheart?”  


“Incredible,” Cas replied, his arms tightening around Dean.  


“It doesn’t hurt?” Dean asked, nuzzling the underside of Cas’ jaw. “Are you sure?”  


Cas let out a soft chuff of laughter. “Dean...it is something my body is not yet accustomed to,” he said, giving Dean a look. “It would be unreasonable to expect there not to be some discomfort. I am not even human and even _I_ know that.”  


Dean winced, even though he knew Cas was right.  


“The good outweighs the bad,” Cas said, kissing him. “I promise. It feels good.”  


Dean let out a shuddering breath, nodding. “As long as you’re sure,” he said.  


Cas rocked his hips. “Very,” he said, grinning.  


His clear enthusiasm got a smile from Dean, who slowly pulled back before easing in again. Cas moaned, his legs tightening around Dean’s as his hips moved to meet Dean’s slow thrust.  


“Yes!” Cas moaned. “Dean!”  


“Cas,” Dean replied, wrapping his arms around his angel as they began to move together. It was slow and though Dean hated to admit it, fumbling, but it was _real_. Dean felt the need building in his body with every thrust, with every soft sigh from Cas, but he didn’t want it to end. He didn’t care if he ever finished so long as Cas kept having that gorgeous, blissful expression on his face.  


“Is this ok?” Dean asked, running his hands up and down Cas’ sides as he moved in and out of Cas in a lazy rhythm.  


“It feels...different,” Cas replied, the motion of his hips speeding up. “From other things we have done. Dean, I feel...I feel... _complete_ with you like this please just…-” he blushed.  


“Just what, sweetheart?” Dean asked, leaning in and kissing along Cas’ collarbone. “What do you need? I want your first time to be perfect.”  


“It already is,” Cas said, his fingers gliding through Dean’s hair. “Because it is with you.”  


Dean felt his eyes burning as he clutched his angel to him and from the look on Cas’ face he thought the angel was going to say something else that made him cry.  


“I just want to…” Cas was bright red now and avoiding Dean’s eyes.  


“You can tell me, baby,” Dean said, slowing the motion of his hips to watch Cas’ eyes roll back in his head and hear the frustrated sound the angel made. _Fuck, how was this so good?_  


“I want you to cum inside me, Dean,” Cas said, his voice very quiet. “I want to know what it feels like.”  


“Jesus, fuck, Castiel,” Dean breathed, the motion of his hips coming to a shuddering halt.  


“That would be awkward,” Cas said and for a moment Dean just stared at him. Then the two of them began to laugh. It felt incredible as their bodies moved together, but more than that, the ridiculous, stupid intimacy of the moment felt amazing.  


“I love you, you big dork,” Dean said, shaking his head.  


“I love you too,” Cas said. His face stilled as he grew serious. “Please, Dean?” he said.  


“Are you sure?” Dean asked. “You have to be sure, Cas, or I swear I’m never going to forgive myself.”  


Cas’ eyes were wide and stunning as his hands tightened in Dean’s hair and pulled him in for a crushing kiss. “Please,” the angel whispered.  


Dean couldn’t have denied him if he had tried.  


Careful to keep his motions smooth and gentle, Dean began to rock his hips faster. He reached down and wrapped his hand around Cas’ cock, watching his partner as they both got close.  


“Dean!”  


“I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you,” Dean whispered, his body aching as he tried to keep from finishing as Cas’ glorious body tightened around him. He _needed_ Cas to finish first. “Cum for me, Castiel,” he managed to pant. “Cas, Cas please-!”  


Cas shuddered, his nails digging into Dean’s shoulders. “Dean! Oh….oh, oh, oh, I-I’M-DEAN!”  


Dean couldn’t have torn his eyes away if he tried, keeping up the motion of his hips and hand as he drew his partner towards the precipice. “I’ve got you, baby, I’ve got you! Cum for me!”  


Cas threw his head back and _screamed_ , his whole body going utterly rigid as his cock jerked in Dean’s hand, sending thick ribbons of cum onto Cas’ belly as the angel thrashed. 

“DEAN! OH, DEAN!”  


“I’ve got you, Cas, I’ve got you,” Dean moaned as his body began to move almost of its own accord. “I’ve got you my baby, my angel I love you so fucking much, Cas, CAS!”  


And then he was hurtling over the edge, screaming his angel’s name as he came harder than he could ever remember cumming before. The motion of his hips faltered as he was overwhelmed and he found himself collapsing on top of Cas. His hands were tangled in the angel’s hair as he laid a trail of sloppy kisses from Cas’ neck up to his lips. “I love you,” he managed to whisper. “I love you, Cas, I love you, thank you.”  


Cas made a happy little sound. “Thank you,” he replied. “That was…” he let out a little chuff of laughter. “Dean...that was amazing.”  


Dean blushed. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Are you sure, baby? It was…good enough?”  


“Mmmmm,” Cas whispered, pulling Dean in for a hug. Dean lay there on top of his angel for a long few moments, letting his heart rate come back to normal. “It was perfect, Dean,” Cas said quietly. “I feel like...like a _person_.” There was wonder in his eyes. “I feel like I have touched some part of the human experience that is not generally available to my kind.”  


Dean blushed, leaning on his elbow. “Cas, you’ve had sex before,” he said. “We know other angels have.”  


“Anna,” Cas said in a carefully neutral tone.  


Dean raised an eyebrow. “You,” he said.  


“I was not an angel at the time,” Cas was quick to add. He took a deep breath. “Dean...The thing that we have...that we are...I have not experienced _this_. I have not known becoming one with another person.” He blushed, an adorable expression on his face as he glanced down. “I have never had someone make love to me. Thank you for sharing that with me.”  


“Thanks for wanting me to,” Dean said, his heart melting. “I...I don’t think I deserve you, but I’m grateful.”  


He lay his head down on Cas’ shoulder, kissing the angel’s cheek and for a long time they just lay there, cuddling as Dean felt himself slowly go soft. He withdrew from his partner as gently as he could, flinching inwardly at Cas’ little hiss of pain. However, the look on the angel’s face gave no indication of any discomfort. Instead he was smiling blissfully. Dean cleaned them both up then crawled into bed next to Cas, pulling his angel against him. Cas murmured happily and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, stroking his fingers up and down Dean’s side.  


_I just had sex with my boyfriend_ , Dean thought as he rested his chin on the top of Cas’ head. _Why aren’t I more freaked out?_ But Dean felt Cas’ lips brush against his skin and felt the angel’s leg sling over his, he suspected that he had at least some idea. It was Cas. It was _always_ Cas. His throat grew tight as he kissed the top of Cas’ head. _I am a lucky man._  


“What are you thinking?” Cas asked, looking up at him, his gorgeous eyes wide.  


“I’m sure you know,” Dean teased him, giving him a little squeeze. He felt Cas’ answering chuckle.  


“You do not like it when I ‘mess around in your head’,” Cas said. “That is why I asked.”  


“Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking?” Dean asked. He found himself letting out a yelp as Cas rolled on top of him, straddling him. He rested his hands on Cas’ hips, smiling up at him.  


“I am thinking I would like to do that again,” Cas said, his full lips curling into an inviting smile.  


“Aren’t you sore?” Dean asked, frowning.  


Cas shrugged a shoulder. “A little,” he admitted. “But I do not mind.” He rolled his shoulders and Dean was captivated watching him. He looked so sexy as he smiled down at Dean, his cock semi-hard.  


Dean rubbed his thumbs in slow circles on Cas’ hips, unable to keep from smiling at his angel. “Now who’s insatiable?” he teased.  


Cas leaned down, nuzzling under Dean’s chin and leaving searing kisses along his jaw and down his neck. “It is because it is you,” he said softly, kissing Dean’s cheek. He blushed and the vulnerability in the look he was giving Dean took his breath away. “I always want more of you, Dean. I always have...even when I thought it impossible.”  


Dean pulled him down into a kiss, feeling his eyes burn. “I always want more of you too, Cas,” he whispered against his angel’s lips.  


Cas stretched out on top of him, his knees on either side of Dean’s hips and Dean wrapped his arms around him, moaning quietly as their cocks rubbed together.  


“You feel so good,” Cas said, his hips rocking. “Dean...I really do want to do it again.”  


Dean chuckled, shaking his head. “You gotta give a man a minute, babe,” he said, smiling. “I’m not a teenager anymore.”  


Cas’ eyes were wide and innocent as he smoothed his palms over Dean’s belly. “Don’t you want me, Dean?” he asked in that breathy, needy voice that drove Dean out of his mind.  


Dean groaned as his cock twitched. “How can you even ask after what we just did?” he asked, shaking his head. He reached up and caressed Cas’ cheek. “Of _course_ I want you, like I’ve never wanted anyone else.”  


Cas blushed and it was adorable. “Really?” he said quietly. “You aren’t just...saying that?”  


Dean narrowed his eyes and before Cas could react, jerked him down and rolled on top of him. “You are not a stupid man, Castiel,” he growled, pulling Cas’ hair to bare his throat. He nipped Cas’ neck hard, loving the way Cas gasped his name. “I want you,” he said, keeping his voice low and rough as he nipped and kissed and licked. “Like I’ve never wanted anyone, Cas, do you fucking understand?”  


Cas whimpered, but didn’t answer, so Dean did it again and again and again until Cas was nodding and babbling “yes” over and over.  


Dean finally kissed his angel’s lips hard, groaning into the kiss as he felt his cock rub against Cas'. He was hard again, a further testament to how Cas got to him, and he could feel Cas smiling into the kiss as their hips moved together.  


“It seems you are hard,” Cas pointed out, an edge of hunger in his voice. “If you wanted to make love to me...to _have_ me again.”  


Dean felt his cock jerk because he very much _did_ want to have Cas again. “You know that I want to,” he said, leaning down and kissing Cas as sweetly as he could on the lips. He laughed a little, resting his forehead against Cas’. “ _Fuck_ do I want it,” he growled, loving Cas’ little whimper. “But let’s give it a day before we do it again, ok?”  


“But-”  


“I’m not saying I won’t take care of you,” Dean said, rolling to the side and taking Cas’ cock in his hand. “But I want your body to have a little time to recover.” He waggled his eyebrows rakishly as he stroked Cas. “Unless you wanted to heal yourself,” he pointed out.  


Cas moaned, a smile on his full lips as he shook his head. “I want to feel it,” he whispered. “To carry it with me.”  


Dean kissed him, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Cas,” he said quietly.  


“You-” Cas gasped as Dean ran his thumb over the dripping head of his cock. “You have saved the world once or twice,” he said, smiling. “Surely that is worth something.” His lips were parted and so inviting that Dean couldn’t resist kissing them as he stroked faster. Cas whimpered into the kiss, his hand suddenly closing around Dean’s cock and making Dean moan. “I want to make you feel good too,” Cas said in a sweet, breathy voice. “Dean, I want you to feel so good!”  


“I do, baby,” Dean replied, giving his angel a sloppy kiss as they both stroked faster. “Fuck, you feel so fucking good, Cas!” Somehow he managed to open his eyes, desperate to watch Cas come undone.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned and he looked so damn gorgeous it about took Dean’s breath away. His eyes were wide and unfocused, his lips were slack, his head was tilted back and there was a sheen of sweat in the hollow of his throat.  


“I’ve got you,” Dean panted, leaning in and flicking his tongue against Cas’ throat.  


“Dean, I-I’m close,” Cas whimpered, his hand slowing around Dean.  


Dean could feel the angel’s tension building and smiled, giving Cas a sloppy kiss on the lips. “Cum for me, Cas,” he growled.  


Cas nodded, his eyes clenched shut, his breath coming in uneven pants. “Dean! Dean I-I’m!”  


He jerked with a wail, reaching up and grabbing Dean’s shoulder as he sailed over the edge. Dean could feel Cas’ cum coating his hand, but he didn’t stop until the angel was whimpering and shaking his head. “Shhhh, baby,” Dean whispered, giving Cas a gentle kiss before grabbing some tissues to clean him up. Then he pulled the angel against himself, stroking Cas’ back tenderly. “I’ve got you,” he said, feeling Cas tremble against him. “Shhh.”  


Cas sniffled and Dean pulled back to look at him, worried. 

“I am all right,” Cas said, his eyes shining as he looked up at Dean. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” he whispered. “I’m happy.”  


Dean hugged him. “It happens sometimes,” he said, thinking of the night that he had cried in Cas’ arms. “The release it...it can make you feel...It can be intense.”  


Cas nodded, cuddling against him. “It was certainly a release,” the angel said and Dean could hear the sweet smile on his face.  


Dean chuckled, closing his eyes and resting his cheek on Cas’ head. “I’m glad.”  


“I’m sorry that I did not make you-”  


“Shhhh,” Dean said, shaking his head and giving Cas a little squeeze. “I don’t care about that, Cas. All that matters to me is that you’re happy.”  


His heart warmed as Cas’ quiet laugh. “But what if your happiness is all that matters to me?” the angel retorted, nuzzling under Dean’s chin.  


“Then I guess we’ll both be taken care of,” Dean said, grinning.  


They were quiet for a few minutes before Cas slid his hand into Dean’s. “Dean?”  


“Yeah, Cas?” Dean asked, squeezing Cas’ hand.  


“I…” Cas pulled back a little and looked at him, his eyes wide. “I am not imagining this, am I?” he asked quietly. “This is real?”  


“Yes,” Dean said, tilting Cas’ chin up for a kiss that was as deep as he could make it. He parted his lips, inviting Cas’ tongue and tangling his hand in the angel’s hair as Cas’ tongue twined with his. 

They were both breathing hard when they broke the kiss, and Dean wiped the tears that spilled onto Cas’ cheeks away. “I promise, Cas,” he said. “It’s real.” He made himself smile at the angel, hoping to get a smile out of him. “You’re sore, remember?” He brought Cas’ hand to his lips, kissing the ring that shone dully in the low light. “This is for keeps.”  


He felt Cas relax as they kissed again. “I’ve got you,” he reassured Cas, leaning his forehead against the angel’s. “I always will. I promise.”  


Cas let out a soft sigh and the two of them lay there cuddling, enjoying the comfortable silence. After awhile, Dean realized that Cas was humming softly as the angel trailed his fingers over Dean’s side. Dean recognized the song after a few bars and smiled, closing his eyes.  


What a wonderful world, indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope more than anything that this was a satisfying chapter after 100K words. I'm always so nervous when I post the smutty stuff, mostly worrying that everything feels in character. While I generally think that Top!Cas is my canon, I think Dean would be a lot more comfortable topping in the beginning. And of course, there's nothing Cas wouldn't do for Dean. I am definitely planning to continue the story to explore some more intimacy between them, though with how things are in the US right now my posting might get a little more sporadic for a bit. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and a million thanks for the lovely messages of solidarity and support that I have received this week. They truly mean the world to me.


	18. Long Was the Way That Fate Them Bore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following their first time, Dean has a nightmare about one of his worst memories. It leads to a conversation with Cas about each of their fears and doubts.
> 
> Chapter title is from The Song of Beren and Lúthien in Fellowship of the Ring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Child abuse, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Homophobic slur referenced**

_Dean opened the door to the hotel room, doing his best not to drop the groceries as they shifted precariously. “Sammy, come help me with these! I got that nasty crunchy peanut butter you like,” he said. There was no answer and he rolled his eyes. “C’mon, Sammy!”_  


_He shut the door behind himself and set down the bag, throwing the bolt before he turned to grumble at his brother._  


_Sam’s bed was empty._  


_And Dean knew, he **knew** as his eyes quickly took in the space that his brother was gone. His books were gone, his little army men--gone, and when Dean lifted Sam’s pillow...his little pistol...gone._  


_“Oh shit,” Dean breathed, desperately dropping to his knees and looking under the bed for Sam’s duffel._  


_Gone._  


_Sam was gone._  


_“Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit!” Groceries forgotten, Dean bolted from the room to the Manager’s Office. “Hey!” he said to the greasy, unkempt man behind the counter. “Hey! Have you seen a kid with long hair and a duffel bag?”_  


_The man put down his copy of Hustler and sighed. “He hitched a ride, man,” he said laconically, jerking his chin towards the bus stop in front of the hotel._  


_Dean felt his heart sink. “Oh God,” he whispered. “Did you see the car?” he asked desperately. “Did you?”_  


_The man raised an eyebrow. “Maybe.”_  


_Dean fumbled in his pockets, finding a twenty and slamming it down on the counter. “It’s all I’ve got,” he said. “Please!”_  


_“Blue pickup,” the man said. “Headed East.”_  


_Dean nodded and bolted out of the building, skidding to a halt at the road. What the fuck was he going to do? Most of the US was East of where they were. Sam could be anywhere._  


_“Oh shit, oh fuck oh fuck fuck fuck fuck,” he groaned. “The fuck am I going to do? FUCK!” He could hitch a ride, try to follow, or he could stay at the hotel and wait for his dad to come back. He shuddered. He would rather hitch._  


_So he stood by the road with his thumb out until a trucker pulled over. He climbed up into the cab, nodding to the heavyset man behind the wheel._  


_“Where to?” the man asked, clearly dubious about the panic-stricken man he had picked up._  


_“I just need to get downtown,” Dean said. “Please, my little brother...he needs my help.”_  


_The man shrugged and shifted the gears, rumbling out onto the road. They drove in silence and the trucker seemed glad to get rid of Dean once they got to downtown Flagstaff. Dean stood on the sidewalk, looking around wildly. Where the fuck was he even supposed to start?_  


_All he could do was look, so that was what he did._  


_He looked in every shelter he could get to, every bus stop, the YMCA, the library, and still...nothing. He hitched back to the hotel with a heavy heart, feeling defeated. He fostered the dim hope that maybe Sammy had come back while he was gone, but their room was empty._  


_So Dean left again, searching the desert around the hotel until he’d almost passed out from the heat. His head was aching with dehydration as he returned to the hotel. He turned the corner and felt his heart stop._  


_The Impala was parked outside._  


_Fuck, oh fuck._  


_Swallowing hard, Dean squared his shoulders and fought the urge to run. Instead he let himself into the room to find his father sitting on his bed, staring at Sammy’s neatly made bed._  


_“Where is he?” John asked._  


_“I don’t…” Dean tried to swallow and found that his heart was pounding. “I don’t know, sir.”_  


_John rose slowly and Dean backed up, putting his back to the door as he stared at his father. “What do you mean you don’t know?” John asked, turning to look at him._  


_“I’ve been looking for him!” Dean said, desperate to make him understand. “He said he was hungry, Dad and we didn’t have any food here! I just ran to the store and while I was gone he-he hitched a ride and-”_  


_He had been expecting the blow, but he still cried out as his father struck him hard across the face. “How long were you gone that he had time to run away?” John growled._  


_“Not long!” Dean said, hating the shrill tone in his voice. It was his fault. He should take it like a man._  


_But he’d never seen his father looking this furious._  


_“Not long, Dad, I swear I just-”_  


_The next blow was to his belly, making Dean double over. “You lost him!” John snarled, bringing his knee up to Dean’s face and crushing his nose. Dean saw stars as he fell to the floor. “We’ll finish this later!” John rasped, standing over him clenching and unclenching his fists. “I am going to find my son.” He shook his head, glaring down at Dean. “I trusted you.”_  


_Then he was gone._  


_It was worse when he came back, having had no luck, but a lot of whisky._  


_“Do you know what could fucking happen to him out there?” John snarled, his fist striking Dean’s cheek and splitting the skin. Dean cried out, which seemed to enrage his father further. A flurry of blows followed until Dean was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, whimpering softly._  


_“Dad, please!” he gasped as John undid his belt. “I just wanted him to have something to eat, Dad, please-”_  


_The belt hurt, it always hurt, and Dean curled in on himself as the blows fell, desperately wishing he was anywhere else._  


_**Fuck, I would take being in the pit. At least there I wouldn’t have to see how much he hates me right now.**_  


_Dean blinked past the blood that trickled down his face. **The pit? I had no idea about the pit when this happened.**_  


_The belt came down again, striking Dean’s ribs and he cried out as the buckle cut his skin. He saw John raise it again and then suddenly there was a figure between him and his father, grabbing the belt and throwing it across the room._  


_“You will not harm him further,” a deep, gravelly voice said._  


_John snorted. “Not even man enough to fight your own battles, Dean,” he said. “Gotta have your boyfriend do it for you.”_  


_Dean wiped the blood out of his eyes and actually looked. The first thing he saw was the tan trenchcoat and for a second, striking blue eyes._  


_“He lost his brother!” John snarled._  


_“He should not have had to parent his brother in the first place,” the man in the trenchcoat said. “That is your failing, John Winchester. You have allowed your desire for vengeance to supersede your responsibility as a parent.” He shook his head, his blue eyes as cold as polar ice. “I will not allow you to hurt Dean.”_  


_John’s eyes widened as he stepped forward, pulling a Bowie knife. “The fuck did you say?”_  


_There was a huge “WHOOSH” and Dean stumbled as a wind sent him stumbling. When he looked up he thought he saw, for a moment, the silhouette of massive wings on the wall. “I said, I will not allow you to hurt Dean.” He held out his hand to Dean. “You are safe,” the man in the trenchcoat said. “I will not allow him to harm you anymore.”_  


_“Who are you?” Dean asked, his eyes drawn to the ring that was on the man’s finger. It looked like dozens of tan pebbles set in a plain band. He **knew** that ring. He had **bought** that ring._  


_The brows over the blue eyes furrowed. “It is me, Dean. Castiel. I told you I would **always** protect you.”_  


_Castiel. The angel Castiel. His friend, his lover, his fiance, HIS Castiel._  


_“Cas,” he whispered, letting the angel pull him against his side._  


_John shook his head, his eyes narrowing. “You have no business here,” he said to Cas. “This is between me and my son. He had a responsibility-”_  


_“So did you,” Cas growled._  


_“I don’t need my son’s little fucking f-”_  


_“Don’t talk to him like that,” Dean heard himself say and felt his stomach drop. Fuck, his dad was going to kill him. But he couldn’t just stand there. It was different when it was just him. But this was Cas._  


_John’s eyes narrowed. “What did you just say?”_  


_Dean swallowed hard. “I said, don’t talk to him like that.”_  


_John stepped forward, but Cas was there immediately, placing his body between Dean and his father._  


_“Your words mean **nothing** to me,” Cas said, giving Dean a reassuring look. “The only power you have to hurt me lies with harm you could do to Dean.” He drew himself up, his shoulders back, his chin up, his eyes like chips of ice as he glared at John._  


_“That’s where you’re wrong, sport,” said a voice that did not belong to John Winchester._  


_Dean stepped back, yanking Cas along with him as Chuck materialized in front of them in John’s place._  


_“I mean, don’t get me wrong,” Chuck said. “I can **also** hurt Dean,” and then there was an awful CRACK and Dean was writhing on the ground, every bone in his body broken. The agony consumed him and he found himself breathlessly gasping on the ground at Cas’ feet._  


_“DEAN!”_  


_Dean wanted to respond, to reassure his partner, but he had no breath to do anything but whimper._  


_“Let him go,” Dean heard Cas say from a million miles away. “If you must punish someone, punish me.”_  


_“But don’t you see?” Chuck said. “This **is** punishing you, Castiel.”_  


_Dean let out a choked gargle as his stomach clenched and blood bubbled up from his throat._  


_“Please!” Cas said, his voice rough with desperation. “I will do whatever you ask of me. I will submit myself for...reeducation. I will go to Heaven’s jail. I will go back to Purgatory! Anything, if you spare him further pain.”_  


_As suddenly as it had started, Dean’s pain was gone. He still couldn’t move, but at least he wasn’t in agony._  


_Chuck was standing there with his arms crossed, shaking his head. “It really is pathetic,” he said. “Castiel, you fought so hard for freedom, but all you’ve done is trade one master for another.”_  


_“He is **not** my master,” Cas said, his hands fisted at his sides. “He is my partner.”_  


_“Right,” Chuck said. “Right. Because you two **love** each other.” He shook his head. “Come on, Castiel. Do you really think that Dean Winchester would fall in love with a **man?** He’s the most notorious skirt-chaser in the Supernatural Universe. He all but had a **wife** and a **son** and you think that you, your trenchcoat, and some prairie style house are going to be enough for him?”_  


_“We-”_  


_“He’s using you, Castiel. He was **always** just using you,” Chuck said in the tone usually reserved for stupid children._  


_It’s not true, Dean thought desperately, trying to speak. But Chuck had him gagged._  


_“He never forgave you for Leviathan,” Chuck said in a low, ugly voice. “Right, Dean?”_  


_Dean tried to shake his head, but found himself nodding. **No, Cas!**_  


_“Tell him, Dean,” and the compulsion hit Dean like an anvil in a cartoon._  


_“You betrayed us, Cas,” Dean heard himself say. “You betrayed **me**. You let Leviathan into the world and it got Bobby killed.”_  


_Cas was crying, his eyes huge and so unbelievably sad that it broke Dean’s heart. “Dean,” he whispered. “Dean, please!”_  


_“Straight from the horse’s mouth,” Chuck said with that insufferable smile. “Or should I say, the ass’s mouth?”_  


_“Dean?”_  


_**Cas, I swear he’s lying,** Dean thought, willing his partner to hear him somehow. **Cas!**_  


“Dean?”

Dean rolled over and went to take Cas into his arms, but found himself holding only a pillow. He came awake immediately, jerking upright. “Cas?”  


“Hello, Dean.”  


Dean turned towards Cas’ chair, his heart immediately sinking when he saw his angel.  


Cas, clad only in pajama pants, was sitting with his legs pulled up to his chest, his arms folded over his knees, and his chin resting on his forearm. It looked as though he was close to tears.  


“Cas, what’s wrong?” Dean asked, scooting to the edge of the bed. “Did you have a nightmare?” He flinched. Of course Cas hadn’t had a nightmare. He didn’t sleep.  


“You know that I do not sleep,” Cas said softly.  


“Then what is it?” Dean asked. An awful thought occurred to him and his heart leapt up into his throat. “I...I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked, hearing the panicky edge to his voice. “When we…-”  


“You did not hurt me when we made love,” Cas said, giving him a sad, understanding smile. “But I love you for worrying.”  


“So what is it?” Dean asked, reaching out for Cas’ hand. The angel took it immediately, lacing his fingers through Dean’s.  


“Dean...I do not have nightmares,” Cas said. “But _you_ do.”  


Dean’s heart sank. “What did I say?” he asked, searching Cas’ face. _Please don’t let me have said all of that out loud._  


“Leviathan,” Cas said, looking down. “You said, ‘Leviathan’.” Cas took a long breath and let it out in a shuddering sigh. “Dean...I have been thinking...when we were intimate...you spent so long making sure that my, that _our_ first time was something beautiful and safe and special.”  


“Well, yeah,” Dean said, gently pulling Cas onto the bed and against his chest. _Where was he going with this?_ “Of course I did. It’s _you_ , Cas, it’s _us._ ”  


“But Dean, I-I _lied_ to you! And when I accepted Purgatory’s souls, I called you an insect!” Cas blurted out. “I-I threatened to kill you. I have disappointed you time and time again and I don’t _deserve_ to have had that kind of consideration from _you_ of all people and I-”  


“Ok, ok,” Dean said, grabbing Cas’ shoulder and turning him to look at him. “Easy, baby, easy. You gotta slow down.”  


“Dean...I did something unforgivable. Several somethings.” His gorgeous eyes found Dean’s. “And we both know Leviathan was not the last time. I just…” he looked down. “I do not deserve that kind of consideration, the kind that you showed me when we made love. I do not deserve to be shown that, Dean because I-”  


Dean kissed him because he wasn’t sure how else to stop the heartbreaking torrent of words. He cupped both of the angel’s cheeks in his hands as he gave him the longest, deepest, most lingering kiss that could manage. “I want you to listen,” he growled against Cas’ lips. “What you’re feeling, Cas...don’t you think I fucking _get_ it? You’re an angel of the fucking Lord who is _slumming_ with me, Dean Winchester, former Knight of Hell who took on the fucking Mark of Cain and a whole _litany_ of other shit.” He tried to calm down, but the pain he saw in Cas’ eyes was breaking his heart. “You fucked up, Cas. I won’t pretend that you didn’t, but you are _more_ than your fuck ups, do you understand?” He caressed the angel’s cheekbones with his thumbs. “You’re a good man, Cas.”  


“You treated me as though I was precious and not an abomination,” Cas said, not looking at him, and Dean could have cried. “I allowed my hubris to make me think I was God, Dean! I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve _you._ I don’t deserve to feel that kind of happiness or joy! Not after the pain that I caused this world!”  


“Stop it,” Dean said. “Cas, I'm going to tell you something that I am still trying to get through my own thick skull, all right? You can’t do this to yourself. You can't just look back and find all the reasons you don't deserve to be happy. We get so few chances at...at _this._ ” He gestured between them as he took a breath that shook a little bit. "Cas...I lost you only a few months ago. I _lost_ you. I lived without you. I'm not going to throw what we have away. And I won't let you do it either."  


“I am happy with you, Dean,” Cas whispered. "I am _so_ happy with you and I am afraid-" 

“You’re scared that the bill is going to come due,” Dean said. “The other shoe is going to drop.”  


"Doesn't it always?" Cas said sadly. "In our experience." He looked down. "I worry that when it does you...you will realize that I am not worth it." 

It felt as though he had been punched in the gut. "Cas-" 

"I worry that you will realize what I already know," Cas said with a tiny lift of his shoulders. "That you could do much better than a cursed, fallen angel with limited social skills.”  


"Cas," Dean pulled Cas against him as tight as he could. “You and I have been...fuck, man, we’ve been through _everything_ together. There’s no one, _no one_ who is a better fit for me,” he said simply. “End of story.”  


“But Dean-”  


“I said, end of story,” Dean said, kissing the top of Cas’ head. “You are all I want, Cas. You are worth _everything_ to me, do you understand?”  


“But why?” Cas asked.  


Normally Dean would have grumbled about putting all of his feelings out there so baldly, but he could hardly deny Cas when he was looking so worried. “Because you’re my best friend,” Dean said, kissing the top of Cas’ head. He hated the rigidity in his angel’s shoulders. “Because you make me laugh with your ‘limited social skills’.” There was a soft chuff of laughter. He decided to push a little, see if he couldn’t shake Cas out of his funk. “Because I like how you look naked.” There was a soft little intake of air and Cas shifted, looking up at him.  


“Oh?” Cas asked softly.  


“Hell yeah,” Dean replied, tipping Cas’ chin up and giving him a slow kiss on the lips. The angel’s lips parted beneath his as Cas let out a soft moan. Dean smiled into the kiss. “And because I like how you sound when I kiss you,” he continued. “And how you sound when I suck you off,” Cas gasped and the sound went straight to Dean’s cock. He twined his fingers through Cas’ hair and pulled his head back, nipping at his neck. “And because I can’t live without the way you move when I touch you,” he continued, flicking his tongue against Cas’ neck.  


“How my body moves beneath your hands,” Cas whimpered as Dean’s hand slid down his belly and brushed over his hard cock. “Is not a viable determination of long-term compatibility.”  


“You’re right,” Dean said, tightening his hand around Cas’ cock and giving it a gentle couple of strokes. “You’re right, baby. But you know what is?”  


Cas’ head dropped back on Dean’s shoulder, his full lips falling open. “What is that, Dean?” he breathed.  


Dean brushed his lips over Cas’ cheek. “Literally everything else that we have together, you big dork.”  


Cas turned, his heart in his eyes. “Dean,” he said softly.  


“Do you remember what I said before we attacked Sucracorp?” Dean asked.  


Cas looked down. “Yes,” he said. “Of course I do, Dean.”  


“And what was that?” Dean asked, leaving a trail of kisses along Cas’ cheek.  


“You said....you said that you would rather have me...cursed or not,” Cas said.  


“Well there ya go,” Dean said, pulling Cas down next to him on the bed and into his arms. “It’s you and me, Cas. That’s all there is to it.”  


Cas made a happy sound and began to kiss down Dean’s neck and to his chest.  


“Baby-”  


“I am grateful for you,” Cas said, his breath hot against Dean’s belly. “For the love that you have shown me. For your faith.” He flicked his tongue out and Dean moaned as Cas’ fingertips slid under the waistband of his pajama pants and began to work them down.  


“Baby, wait,” Dean somehow managed to say. “Wait.”  


Cas looked up at him, his eyes wide. “Yes?”  


“You don’t need to do that,” Dean said. “C’mere, Cas.” He pulled the angel up and rolled on top of him, cupping Cas’ cheeks. “You don’t need to prove anything to me,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “Do you understand, Cas? You don’t need to prove anything to me.” He gave Cas his best rakish smile. “But it looks like I might need to prove something to you,” he growled before giving Cas a deep, hard kiss. The angel melted into his touch, moaning and draping his arms over Dean’s shoulders.  


“What do you mean?” Cas breathed. “When it is I who-”  


“It’s you who’s doubting what you are to me,” Dean said firmly, kissing the hollow of Cas’ throat. “It’s you who’s freaking himself out worrying that I might somehow stop loving you.” He shook his head as he began to kiss down Cas’ body. He held the angel by the hips, keeping him in place as he slowly worked his way down, teeth and tongue working together to drag the most delicious sounds from Cas. “I feel like I’m the one with something to prove here.”  


Cas groaned, his back arching up off of the bed as Dean yanked his pajama pants down. “Dean, you don’t...you don’t-” anything else he might have said disappeared into a sharp cry of pleasure as Dean sucked him into his mouth. He was relentless in his pace, not taking his time as he usually would. His dream, Cas’ fear, they all had filled him with a desperate drive to make Cas feel as safe and secure as possible.  


“Dean!” Cas arched off of the bed, one of his legs draping over Dean’s lower back.  


Dean let Cas’ cock slip from his lips and looked up at him. “I don’t want you to doubt what you are to me, Cas,” he said, kissing the tip of Cas’ cock. He loved how Cas twitched, moaning as Dean dragged the flat of his tongue over the head of Cas’ cock.  


“Dean please!” Cas moaned. “Please!”  


“What do you need, Cas?” Dean asked, running his thumbs over Cas’ hips.  


“Take me,” Cas said right away. “Please? However you like.” He flushed, but his eyes were dark with desire. “As hard as you like, Dean.”  


Dean pulled back, taking a deep breath as the raw need in Cas’ voice awakened his own. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.  


“But what if I want you to?” Cas said, his eyes wide and shining and ridiculously gorgeous.  


Dean shuddered and slid up Cas’ body, kissing him deep. “You remember a while back when you…” he blushed. “When you tied me up?” He swallowed hard. “You said that you have seen me bruised and bleeding too many times for it to be a part of our lovemaking.” He shook his head, resting his forehead on Cas’. “That goes both ways, babe. I can’t hurt you. Especially not that way. I’m not going to use sex to...to _punish_ you.”  


“I understand, Dean,” Cas whispered, hugging Dean so tightly that it took his breath away. “I love you,” he said softly. “I am so grateful to be yours.”  


“I love you too,” Dean said, giving him a slow kiss. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Cas.”  


Cas’ lips parted beneath his as the angel let out a happy little moan of pleasure. One of his hands splayed across Dean’s back while the other twined into his hair, giving it a gentle tug. Dean smiled and nipped Cas’ lower lip before kissing down to Cas’ throat. Cas moved beneath him in that way that drove Dean crazy, and he grunted as his cock rubbed against Cas’.  


“There’s no one I want like you,” Dean said, looking down at his angel. “Do you realize that? No one has ever made me hot like you do.”  


Cas blushed. “You aren’t just saying that?” he asked quietly. “You aren’t…” he paused and Dean knew that it wasn’t because he was searching for the word. He had one, he was just hesitant to say it.  


Dean raised an eyebrow and waited.  


“Settling,” Cas said quietly. “You are sure that you aren’t settling for me?”  


It hurt his heart to see the uncertainty on Cas’ face and hear the fear in his voice, so he kissed his angel slow and sweet, cupping both of his cheeks in his hands. “I’m sure,” he whispered against Cas’ lips. “I’ve never been more sure of anything,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “I swear it, Castiel.” He rubbed his nose against Cas’. “Are you settling for this broken down old hunter?”  


Beneath him Cas let out a little laugh. “I think between the two of us I am the old one, Dean,” he said, some of the tension finally leaving his shoulders. “I am...considerably older than you.”  


“Well you look great,” Dean said, grinning at him. “Not a day over a thousand.”  


Cas’ eyes narrowed fractionally and then Dean found himself laughing as the angel flipped them and stretched out on top of Dean. “That is hardly a polite thing to say,” he chastised Dean, nipping his neck.  


Dean laughed a little breathlessly, tilting his chin up to give Cas access. “Forgive me,” he managed to say as Cas nibbled his earlobe.  


To his surprise, Cas rolled off of him and nuzzled under his chin, draping his arm across Dean’s belly. “You know that I always will,” he said.  


Dean hugged him, resting his chin on the angel’s head and rubbing his back. “Thank you for that,” he said. Cas nodded and the two of them were quiet for a few moments before Cas looked up at him. “What if I just want you to be a little less gentle?” he asked. “Next time we make love, I mean.”  


Dean shook his head, smiling. “We can work up to it,” he said, closing his eyes. “I think I’m gonna need to be gentle with you for awhile longer.”  


“Why?” Cas asked, his voice soft.  


“Humor me,” Dean said.  


“You are afraid that you will cause me lasting harm,” Cas said, stubbornly not letting it go. Not that Dean was surprised. “Dean, I am an angel. I can heal myself-”  


“Not all harm is physical, Cas,” Dean said firmly. “You’ve put a lot of faith in me and I’m not trying to take it for granted.” He gave Cas’ hair a gentle tug, eliciting a gasp from his angel. “I’m fine with throwing down, but when it comes to the actual sex I’d rather go slow for awhile.” He swallowed hard. “I _hate_ the thought of you having to heal yourself after being with me,” he said, his stomach turning over at the idea.  


“I’m sorry,” Cas said right away. “I did not mean to upset you, Dean, I just...I am comfortable with you being less gentle. And not to punish me!” he hurried to add. “Just because it is, well,” he blushed. “Fun,” he finished. “It is fun.”  


Dean had to smile. “I hear you,” he said. “And I’m not saying that going hard is off the table. I just want to build up to it.” He shook his head, tightening his arms around Cas. “Though I won’t lie, babe, I probably won’t ever be ok with hurting you.”  


Cas nodded, hugging him back. “That I understand,” he said softly. “And I concur. I promise, Dean, that should you ever be ready for me to make love to you, I will show you at _least_ the same amount of consideration as you have shown me, no matter how badly I may want you in the moment.”  


“I could never doubt that, Cas,” Dean said, his heart swelling at Cas’ words even as his cock jerked in response. “Think you’ll want me bad in the moment?” he asked, unable to keep the smile from his face.  


He felt Cas’ laugh against his own chest and smiled as the angel climbed back on top of him and straddled his waist. The angel cocked his head, smiling down at Dean in a way that gave him butterflies. _I hope it never stops giving me butterflies._  


“I always do,” Cas said. Despite the heat in his eyes, the way he kissed Dean was soft and sweet.  


Dean sighed happily into the kiss, pulling Cas down on top of himself and letting the angel ease his mouth open with his tongue.  


“Dean?”  


“Mmmm?”  


Cas pulled back a little and looked down at him. “I...I know that you were having a nightmare,” he said. “Are you...all right with what we did? You are not hating yourself in some way for lying with a man, are you?”  


Dean kissed the corner of Cas’ lips and rubbed the small of the angel’s back while he tried to think of the best way to answer. “I’m ok,” he said after a minute, amazed that it really was true. “I...I think it’s like any time we’ve taken a new step, Cas. Part of my brain tries to hurt me with it.”  


“The part of your brain that speaks with the voice of your father,” Cas said, his eyes searching Dean’s. “The part of you that is not certain that you want to be with a man.”  


“There’s no part of me that isn’t sure I want to be with _you,_ ” Dean said firmly. “So get that out of your head.” He shrugged. “It was a big step we took, Cas. I dreamed about something that was proportionately big and every bit as shitty as what we shared was good.” He looked away with a bitter smile. “It was the night Sammy ran away in Flagstaff. It was a bad, bad night.”  


“You have mentioned it,” Cas said gently, rolling to the side and pulling Dean against him. “Your father,” his eyes turned flinty. “He hurt you.”  


Dean nodded. “I dreamed you showed up to stop him,” he said. “But then he turned into Chuck.”  


Cas winced and nodded. “Both of our fathers showing up in your dreams the night after you make love to me for the first time,” he said, shaking his head. “One hardly needs to be Sigmund Freud to parse that.”  


Dean snorted. “You’re not wrong,” he said.  


“If it helps,” Cas said. “I do not believe that my father would have approved of our union either. Though in his case it was less because of outdated social convention and more due to the fact that you found you and your brother to be ‘flannel covered pains in the ass’.”  


His words surprised a laugh from Dean and he pulled Cas in for a kiss. “Look at us,” he said against Cas’ lips. “We’re a real West Side Story.”  


Cas smiled back at him, nipping playfully at Dean’s lower lip. “I have, on occasion, found myself wondering how I would look in a leather jacket, rather than my trench coat,” he mused.  


Dean narrowed his eyes. “I’m not sure I like where this is going,” he grumbled.  


“I know that I have heard you whistling ‘I Feel Pretty’ in the shower,” Cas said.  


“You promised never to bring that up again!” Dean growled mock-ferociously before giving Cas a searing kiss. The distraction worked and soon the two of them were pressed flush against each other kissing, letting the gentle rhythms of their bodies moving together soothe away any lingering worries or doubts. Heaven knew that the two of them had their scars, but at least together they were beginning to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figure that Dean would need a little time to process the newest development in his relationship with Cas and I think Cas would need time to process as well, just in a different way, so I wanted to give them a quiet chapter to work through things before smut continued. Of course, because it's our boys, it ended up getting a little bit more emotional than originally intended. I have some fun ideas for the next chapter, though! 
> 
> See you all soon. Thanks for sticking with me, even when things have slowed down! Stay safe and well, and let's all enjoy this undeniably good day. <3
> 
> Love,  
> ~SLN


	19. From the Earth Below to the Heavens Above That's how far and Funny is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas share some quality time. Unapologetic fluff and smut incoming. Definitely some Dom!Cas and sub!Dean going on in this one, hope very much that you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Funny How Love Is" by Queen

Dean sighed and leaned back in the chair, rubbing his eyes. They had been at it for hours. Sam had had a bug up his butt about digitizing their records and while Dean got it, the work was tedious. Hours of cataloguing, hours of scanning, hours of squinting at the spidery handwriting of hunters and men of letters as they worked to build the index. Sam didn’t trust him to do the finer work, which meant Dean got stuck with the extra boring parts.  


He glanced to his right and found himself smiling.  


At least the company was good.  


Cas had his hand on Dean’s leg and the other was holding up a thick book filled with prints of gorgeously colored illustrations that he had apparently watched a generation of monks create. “I quite liked visiting the monks,” he mused, the tip of his middle finger working in light circles over Dean’s knee. “There was one who you remind me of.”  


Dean raised an eyebrow at his angel. “Me? A monk?”  


Cas chuckled. “He joined the order slightly later than most,” he said. “Though he still rose to become the abbot one day. The region where his monastery was is still known for their Hefeweizen.”  


Dean set down his book and turned his body towards Cas, resting his elbow on the back of his chair and taking the angel’s hand with his other one. He loved getting these glimpses of all of the pasts that Cas had seen. Cas’ thumb stroked over the back of his hand as the angel continued.  


“The story he told the younger monks was that he had seduced a nobleman’s daughter and had taken to the cloth in order to avoid the man’s wrath.” Cas’ eyes crinkled at the corners at the memory. “He was very charismatic.”  


Dean chuckled. “A beer drinkin’ ladies man, eh? Huh, not bad for a monk, I guess.”  


Cas smiled a little sadly. “There may have been truth to it,” he said. “A story from a misspent youth. But I observed him in the evenings and I saw that hidden behind a loose brick in his cell he kept a trio of figures that he had carved himself. His wife and two children, lost to the plague. The monastery became his new home, his brothers, his new family, though he kept those he lost very close to his heart. He became the most devout in the hopes that he would be reunited with them.”  


Dean felt his throat go a little bit tight. “I dunno how to feel about reminding you of him,” he said quietly.  


“It is a good thing, Dean,” Cas said, squeezing his hand. “He was a good man who chose a hard road out of love for those around him, as you so often have.”  


Dean blushed and cleared his throat, leaning over to give Cas a peck on the cheek before swiping at his eyes and turning back to his book. Before long they had scooted their chairs closer together so that Cas could rest his head on Dean’s shoulder. His weight was comforting, as was his hand on Dean’s thigh, and it was another forty minutes or so before Dean put his book down and rubbed the bridge of his nose.  


Cas looked over at him and smiled, setting his own book down. “Are you all right?” he asked, cocking his head. “You look as though you have a headache.” He reached out and Dean leaned into his touch, letting the angel massage the base of his skull. “I keep telling you that you should get reading glasses if you are not prepared to let me heal your eyes.”  


Dean grunted. “Don’t need glasses.”  


“Then why does your head hurt when you read Ó Luain’s Treatise on Regional Banshee’s Dialects?” Cas asked with a fond smile.  


“Because the guy who translated it was in love with the sound of his own voice,” Dean grumbled, grabbing Cas’ hand and using it to pull his angel in for a kiss.  


“Or, because the lenses of your eyes are losing their pliability as you age,” Cas said against his lips. The angel was smiling and though Dean rolled his eyes, he was smiling as well.  


“You calling me old?” he growled, sliding his hand into Cas’ hair and giving it a pull.  


“Relative to when we met you _are_ older,” Cas teased. “I would not have suggested reading glasses back then.”  


“Tell you what?” Dean said, standing and pulling Cas to his feet. “Why don’t we take a break and you can tell me if I perform like an old man.”  


Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck and leaned into him and Dean felt goosebumps rise on his arms as he felt Cas’s length brush against his hip. “I am always happy to offer constructive criticism,” he said, brushing his lips against Dean’s neck.  


“Criticism my ass,” Dean grumbled, turning and catching Cas’ lips with his own and drawing him into a deep, hard kiss. He loved Cas’ breathless gasp as he parted his lips, loved the way Cas’ eyelids fluttered when he peeked, loved the eagerness of Cas’ tongue as it met his own. They were both breathing hard when they broke the kiss.  


“I have no criticisms of your ass,” Cas said, looking up at him with wide eyes.  


“That so?” Dean said, letting out a soft laugh as Cas reached down and grabbed it.  


“I rather appreciate it, actually,” Cas said, grinning at him. He raised an eyebrow and immediately Dean felt butterflies in his stomach. He knew that look. “Shall I show you?”  


Dean’s throat was suddenly too dry to answer, so instead he nodded, loving how Cas’ eyes lit up.  


“Come with me,” Cas said, letting go of Dean’s ass and grabbing his hand instead. Together they all but ran back to their room and Dean found himself pressed up against the door with his shirt off in a matter of seconds. Cas smiled at him and took a step back, crossing his arms. Dean smiled at the play of the too-big long sleeved flannel shirt tightening across Cas’ shoulders.  


_I am smitten,_ Dean thought, not minding at all. _Never thought I’d find seeing a dude in one of my shirts so hot._ It wasn’t like Cas didn’t have his own shirts. He just liked wearing Dean’s.  


“You should take off your pants,” Cas said.  


Dean lifted his chin, meeting Cas’ eyes. “Nah,” he said in a tone he usually reserved for when cops wanted to question him.  


Cas’ brow furrowed in a slightly sharper version of his usual questioning expression. “But why not?” he asked, his fingers lightly brushing over Dean’s belt. “You know that I will make you feel good, Dean.” He flushed. “Unless you do not want to participate in this particular...game tonight. Which is fine!” he hurried to add. “I just want to know.”  


“You’re good, Cas,” Dean said, pulling him in for a quick kiss. “I’m just being a pain.” His cheeks reddened as well. “I like pushing you.”  


“I enjoy it when you do,” Cas replied, reaching up to caress Dean’s cheek. “Safe word?”  


“Wildebeest,” Dean said, leaning into Cas’ embrace.  


Cas nodded once and then took a tiny step closer, rolling his shoulders back and lifting his chin. Then his eyes narrowed just slightly. “Dean,” he said, his lips curling into a dangerous little smile as he took another step closer. “I said, ‘take off your pants’.”  


“There’s nothing wrong with my ears,” Dean said, giving Cas a smile that was a lot more confident than he felt.  


Cas' lips curled into what could only be called a sneer as his voice dropped to a rumble that gave Dean chills. “Then why don’t you do as you’re told, _boy_ , so that I do not have to make you spend the night begging for release?”  


Dean tried not to let out the sharp little whimper of need escape his lips, but failed utterly. _Fuck, how does he fucking do this to me?_  


“What was that?” Cas asked, placing his palm flat on Dean’s chest and slowly sliding it up until it rested at the hollow of his throat.  


Dean swallowed hard, loving feeling Cas’ hand on his throat as it worked. _Shit, in for a penny._ “I said no,” he said.  


Dean shivered as Cas deftly undid his belt with his free hand and slowly pulled it through the loops, never breaking eye contact. The angel leaned in close enough that his breath ghosted over Dean’s lips. Dean parted them, eager for a kiss, but Cas just smiled and shook his head, instead tightening his hand at Dean’s throat. His free hand went to the button on Dean’s pants, flicking it open before tugging the zipper down with agonizing slowness. He gave the pants a sharp pull and they slid over Dean’s hips, pooling on the floor at his feet.  


Dean’s stomach flipped at Cas’ soft chuckle at the sight of the prominent wet spot on the front of his boxers. “I fail to see why you are resisting,” Cas said, his fingertips trailing over Dean’s belly, making him twitch and gasp. “It is plain that you want it, Dean. Why not let me make you feel good, as only I can?” The edge of possessiveness in Cas’ voice made Dean’s cock twitch.  


“A-a man has his pride,” Dean managed to gasp.  


“Do you?” Cas asked, his fingertips brushing over the tip of Dean’s cock through his boxers.  


Dean shuddered hard; he couldn’t help it.  


“One last chance, Dean,” Cas said, his thumb moving in agonizingly slow circles over the head of Dean’s cock. “Take off your boxers.”  


Dean took a deep breath and met Cas’ eyes.  


Then he shook his head.  


Cas’ smile was a hungry one as the angel stepped closer and began to lightly touch Dean through his boxers, running his fingers up and down Dean’s shaft as he kept his other hand wrapped around Dean’s throat. He didn’t squeeze with that hand, didn’t try to take Dean’s breath, it was just a quiet, firm reminder of who was in charge.  


And Dean fucking _loved_ it.  


“You are so hard,” Cas said. “So wet for me, Dean.”  


“All for you, Cas,” Dean whispered and then blushed to his ears at how ridiculously breathy and soft the simple statement had come out.  


Cas cocked his head, smiling up at him. “Say it again,” he ordered quietly.  


And there was no mistaking that it _was_ an order.  


“It’s all for you, Cas,” Dean repeated.  


Cas kissed him then, hard and sloppy and Dean groaned into the kiss, parting his lips eagerly. He felt Cas’ hands at his waist and then his boxers joined his pants on the ground. He let out a disgruntled huff of air as Cas stepped back, breaking the kiss. “On the bed,” Cas said, smiling.  


“You’re still wearing all of your clothes,” Dean pointed out, vaguely aware that he sounded petulant.  


“That is accurate,” Cas said. “On the bed.”  


“But-”  


Cas’ eyes narrowed and his hand returned to Dean’s throat, this time squeezing just slightly. “Dean, get on the bed. Right now. Do not argue with me.”  


“What happens if I argue?” Dean asked before he could stop himself.  


Cas stepped closer until he was crowding Dean against the door and Dean heard his heart pounding in his ears as the angel’s lips brushed his earlobe. “I will go resume indexing,” Cas breathed.  


Dean stared down at him, his mouth agape. “You wouldn’t.”  


One of Cas’ eyebrows went up almost to his hairline. “Do you really doubt me?” he asked softly.  


“No,” Dean rasped. He knew the implacable look on Cas’ face. “Ok,” he said. “Ok, Cas, I’ll go to the bed.”  


Wordlessly, Cas stepped back, watching as Dean quickly crossed to the bed.  


“Sit down,” Cas said.  


Dean did.  


Cas smiled and joined him on the bed, leaning back against the headboard and sitting with his legs spread. He motioned for Dean to scoot back and wrapped his arms around him when he did. “Are you warm enough?” he asked.  


Dean nodded.  


“When I ask you a question,” Cas growled, his hand sliding into Dean’s hair and giving it a sharp tug. “I expect you to use your words.” His lips were gentle as he kissed Dean’s cheek, but he did not relinquish his grip on Dean’s hair.  


“I’m warm enough,” Dean replied, seeing the goosebumps on his arms.  


“Good,” Cas said into his ear, giving it a nip. He pulled out his phone and unlocked it, handing it to Dean.  


“Trying to get my nudes leaked, Cas?” Dean teased.  


“No,” Cas said quietly. “Those are just for me.”  


A shudder went through Dean’s whole body and he turned his head so that he could kiss Cas on the cheek. “Damn straight,” he said, earning him a soft chuff of laughter and a slow kiss.  


“Pick something for us to watch,” Cas said before catching Dean’s lower lip between his teeth and giving it a gentle tug.  


Dean gulped. “I take it you don’t mean ‘Dr. Sexy M.D.,’” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas'.  


Cas’ low rumble of laughter made the hairs on Dean’s arms stand up. “I do not,” Cas said.  


Dean accepted his partner’s phone and opened the browser, going to the site that Cas had bookmarked some time ago. He still felt the twinge of anxiety as he made his way into the “Gay” section, but it was nothing like it had been in the beginning. Cas had offered to watch straight porn with him, and at first, Dean had been tempted. But at the same time, he wanted to learn. He wanted to get ideas about how to please Cas when they were getting intimate. And it had helped, but more than anything, watching it together had helped Dean slowly begin to relax about the very idea of it. Now when they watched it, it felt almost normal. Hell, even when he watched porn alone he often found himself gravitating towards the gay stuff, just because it was hot as hell to picture himself and Cas.  


“What do you feel like?” he asked Cas as he scrolled through the categories.  


“You choose,” Cas said, beginning to stroke his fingers through Dean’s hair. The caress always relaxed Dean and he leaned into it, eyes half lidded.  


A thumbnail caught his attention and though his cheeks were burning, Dean clicked it. Behind him he felt Cas’ soft hum of approval. “I shouldn’t be surprised after all this time,” Cas said, kissing his cheek. “You are so,” his tongue flicked against Dean’s ear, “sweet”.  


Dean hit play and together they began to watch the video he selected. Two friends on an ice fishing trip in an isolated cabin, thin ice, a daring rescue, a surprise confession of romantic feelings. He’d stumbled upon it early on in his relationship with Cas and the surprisingly well-acted story had grabbed him. It helped that it took a solid ten minutes for the dudes to even begin kissing, let alone undressing. But once they did...man, the chemistry between the two of them was something else. Watching them reminded him of himself and Cas and as the slightly more heavyset one who went by Diego lay back and let his tattooed partner, Brody, enter him, Dean moaned and reached for his cock.  


Only to have Cas reach out and grab his wrist.  


“Cas?”  


“No,” Cas said softly.  


“But-”  


“Trust me.”  


And what could he say to that? He rested his hands instead on Cas’ knees, feeling the angel’s hands traveling through his hair and then down over his neck and shoulders. “Cas,” he whispered. “I need it.”  


“Not yet,” Cas said, dragging his tongue down Dean’s neck and over where it met his shoulders.  


Dean shifted beneath Cas’ touch, feeling his cock twitch as the men in the video moaned and began to move in earnest. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t like watching how they came together. And more and more he had found himself thinking about having Cas take him the same way. As Brody pushed Diego’s legs up to his chest, allowing him to slide in more deeply, he felt Cas’ breath warm on his neck as the angel leaned forward.  


“You would look so good like that,” Cas rumbled.  


Dean moaned quietly, feeling his cock dripping as his hips rocked. “Fuck, Cas!”  


“You would be so tight,” Cas continued, one of his hands sliding around Dean’s body and splaying over his belly. His touch was feather-light as he worked his fingers in tiny circles and Dean found himself leaning back and parting his legs without thinking about it. Cas’ other hand slid down to Dean’s thigh as the angel continued to nibble and lick the side of Dean’s neck.  


“Cas,” Dean breathed as his partner’s hand slid towards where Dean’s cock was hard as a rock and dripping.  


But to Dean’s frustration, Cas merely rested his hand there as they watched the video. When it was over, Dean reached for his cock, only to find himself stymied again.  


“It is my turn to pick,” Cas said calmly, taking his phone back with one hand while firmly grasping Dean’s wrist with the other.  


Dean made a token struggle, letting out a little laugh as Cas pulled his arm behind his back.  


“Stop that,” the angel said, scrolling through the thumbnails. He clicked one before Dean really saw the picture and when the video started playing, Dean felt a whole swarm of butterflies take off in his stomach.  


A man was lying on his back on a bed with his ankles and wrists bound. He was blindfolded, but Dean recognized him as Diego from the fishing video.  


_“Everything feel good?” said a voice that Dean recognized as Brody, also from the fishing video._  


_Diego tested his bonds and then nodded, grinning. “All good,” he said._  


Brody nodded and drew himself up as he came to stand next to the other man’s hips and took hold of his cock. What followed was what could only be described as a masterclass in teasing. Time and time again Brody brought his partner close until Diego was begging and thrashing against his bonds.  


But Brody never let Diego cum.  


Finally, when the big guy was all but sobbing, Brody stepped out of frame and returned with what was unmistakably a vibrator.  


Dean’s throat felt dry as he watched Brody lubricate the toy and Diego before sliding the vibrator in. The response was instantaneous as Diego’s back arched up as far as his restraints allowed and he let out a cry of pleasure. Dean could only watch, transfixed as Brody resumed his work as though he hadn’t just spent half an hour working the other man up over and over. Instead Brody acted as though he was starting from scratch as the buzz of the toy grew louder and louder.  


_“Please-” Diego rasped. “Please, baby, I’m so close please-”_  


_“The fuck did you call me?” Brody growled, the vibrator shutting off._  


_Diego screamed, his back arching up off of the bed as the restraints rattled. “FUCK! SIR! PLEASE!”_  


_Brody smiled and the buzzing sound resumed, and from the tone of the sound, the vibrator was turned up as high as it could go._  


_Diego’s mouth fell open as he gasped and Dean knew that he was close from the tremors that went through his legs and the muscles of his belly._  


“Touch yourself, Dean,” Cas chose that moment to whisper.  


Dean’s body rocked forward of its own accord and Cas caught him right away, yanking him back against the angel’s chest.  


Eagerly Dean reached for his cock, only to hear Cas whisper: “Slow.”  


He tried not to whimper as he took himself in hand, fighting the urge to pump his cock as he watched Diego’s body begin to spasm. Cum streaked across the muscular man’s belly, but Brody didn’t turn off the vibrator. He held it in place, murmuring quiet words of praise to his partner as he turned the vibrations down and started again. Diego’s subsequent orgasms were a little less dramatic than the first, but Dean watched with rapt attention, doing his best to also listen to Cas’ quiet instructions. He sped up when the angel said, slowed down when the angel said, and even one mind-numbingly frustrating time, _stopped_ when the angel said. 

"You look so beautiful this way," Cas whispered, his arms tightening around Dean as his body spasmed and jerked as he tried to keep himself under control. "So sweet and soft and wanton. I am the luckiest man in creation to hold you in my arms as you show me this trust, Dean." The praise made Dean feel so vulnerable, but so _safe_ it took his breath away. 

Diego was covered in his own cum and gasping for breath when Brody finally reached for his cock and began to stroke him and it was at that moment that Cas chose to swat Dean’s hand away from his cock and begin to stroke him instead.  


“Cas!” Dean whimpered, realizing that Cas was timing his strokes with Brody’s. He reached back, tangling his fingers in Cas' hair. “Fuck, ooh fuck you feel so good!” He was close, he was already _so_ close, but Cas knew his body as well as he did and kept him just shy of the edge as Brody withdrew the vibrator and slid inside Diego with a groan of satisfaction.  


_“Fuck, fill me up!” Diego groaned._  


_Brody grinned and leaned down, pulling the blindfold off and cupping Diego’s cheek. “You ready, baby?” he asked, snapping his hips._  


_“Fuck yes,” Diego replied, smiling back up at him._  


“That sounds like you,” Cas said and Dean could hear that he was smiling. Together they watched as Brody pounded into Diego with intensity that had the two men cumming within moments and the whole time Cas kept up the same slow, implacable pace. By the time Cas closed the video and put his phone on the nightstand, tremors were running through Dean’s whole body and Cas’ hand was soaked with the wetness that had been leaking from Dean’s cock.  


“You liked that,” Cas said and Dean noted it wasn’t a question.  


Dean blushed and nodded before remembering Cas’ earlier order. “Yeah,” he said, feeling his cheeks warming. He whimpered as Cas stroked his thumb over the impossibly sensitive head of his cock. “Fuck, Cas! Yes, I liked it!”  


“As did I,” Cas said. “The only question is if I have teased you for long enough to replicate Diego’s...volume.”  


_Sweet merciful fuck this man is going to be the end of me._ “You could always try,” Dean somehow managed to pant.  


“Mmmmm,” Cas murmured. “I think that I can do better than that.”  


Any smart-ass response Dean might have made was lost in his cry of pleasure as Cas began to stroke him again. Cas worked him up slowly, starting as though he hadn’t been teasing Dean for close to an hour and soon Dean was gripping Cas’ leg with his head resting on the angel’s shoulder, breathless whimpers escaping his lips as Cas pushed him closer and closer.  


“Should we start again?” Cas asked and Dean thrashed, shaking his head.  


“Please, Cas!” he managed to gasp. “Please! I can’t fucking take anymore please!”  


“Close, love?” Cas said and Dean could hear the satisfied smile in his voice.  


“YES!” Dean moaned. “YES, CAS! Please-PLEASE make me cum!”  


“I do not think that is the right word,” Cas growled, the dark undercurrent in his tone almost sending Dean over the edge right there. “I will not make you do anything, Dean Winchester.” He felt the soft rumble of the angel’s laugh against his back. “But if you beg, I might _let_ you cum.”  


“Sweet merciful fucking fuck FUCK!” Dean gasped. It was too fucking much. He _wanted_ to do what Cas said, he did, but the way the angel was stroking him and the feeling of Cas’ full lips against his ear and the soft certainty of his words sent Dean careening over the edge with a wail of pure, unbridled _need._ He jerked against his angel, feeling cum streak across his belly as Cas stroked him through his aftershocks. “Fuck!” he whimpered. “Oh fuck, Cas, Cas!”  


“Shhhhhhh,” Cas murmured, kissing his cheek. “Shhhh, I have got you, Dean.”  


It felt like an age and a heartbeat before Dean was ready to open his eyes. When he did he found himself looking up into Cas’ gorgeous eyes as the angel watched him with an unmistakably smug expression on his face. “Should I begin again?” Cas asked softly, making Dean’s cock jerk and leak a little more.  


“I think I might die,” Dean panted, smiling. He reached up with a hand that shook and caressed Cas’ cheek. “Not that that wouldn’t be a hell of a way to go,” he said. He grunted as Cas eased out from behind him, allowing himself to flop back onto the bed with his forearm over his eyes. He heard the water in his sink running and shivered at Cas’ touch as the angel gently cleaned the cum from his belly. But to his surprise, he did not feel Cas’ weight join him on the bed. He cracked one eye open to find Cas standing over him, a tender smile on his face.  


“I love seeing you in these moments,” Cas said softly. “You look so beautiful, Dean. It gives me great joy to see you so relaxed and at peace.”  


“Boneless you mean,” Dean said to cover the surge of emotion at his angel’s words.  


Cas raised his eyebrow, his gaze flicking down to Dean’s cock. “For the moment,” Cas said and they shared a quiet laugh. “But you know what I mean.”  


“Yeah,” Dean said, rolling to his side with a grunt. He looked up at his angel, still fully clothed, and reached for his hand. “Cas...c’mere.”  


“Have I worn you out already?” Cas asked, not budging.  


Dean narrowed his eyes and raised his chin. “You wish,” he growled. “I just want to return the favor.”  


Cas grinned at him, finally allowing Dean to pull him a little closer, though he did not sit. “I’d like that,” Cas said and there was a flicker of _something_ in his eyes that gave Dean chills. It told him that his angel was not quite ready to be done playing, which suited him just fine. But there was something else, a hesitation that pinged on Dean’s radar.  


“What is it, baby?” Dean asked, sitting up and kissing the inside of Cas’ wrist. “What’s bothering you?”  


Cas flushed. “I...I almost said something,” he admitted. “But I am afraid of how it might sound. Of what you might think.”  


Dean chuckled and rose, grinning as Cas caught his elbow when he stumbled a little. “You just had me lying here covered in my own cum and you’re worried you might say something that what...scandalizes me?” he asked.  


Cas laughed, relaxing a little, but the worried look was still there.  


“Tell me what you want,” Dean said. “Please?”  


“It is hard to resist when you ask like that,” Cas said, pulling Dean in for a kiss.  


“Then don’t,” Dean replied. “You can tell me anything, Cas, you know that. You kept your clothes on for a reason. What do you want?”  


Cas’ throat worked, but he didn’t answer, so Dean leaned in and kissed him, loving how Cas’ arms immediately went around him. Cas’ hands felt so natural in the small of his back. _Nothing has ever felt this natural._  


“I think I have a guess,” Dean said against Cas’ lips. _Can I do this?_ He asked himself as he took a deep breath. But he knew the answer as soon as he’d asked. It was Cas, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for his angel.  


So, Dean began to kiss down Cas’ body until he was kneeling in front of Cas with his hands on the angel’s belt. Slowly he unfastened it, not breaking eye contact with Cas as he undid the button and zipper, then pulled out Cas' cock. Cas was hard and wet in front of him, and Dean melted as Cas moaned his name when Dean licked the wetness from Cas’ cock.  


He looked up and found Cas watching him, his expression unreadable. “Something like this?” he asked in his sassiest voice.  


Cas’ eyes narrowed just slightly, his hand sliding into Dean’s hair and giving it a little tug. “Something like that,” he said, his lips curling into a smile.  


“Been thinking about me kneeling, Cas?” Dean asked, licking Cas’ cock without breaking eye contact.  


He knew right away that he had fucked up because Cas went still and shut his eyes for a moment.  


“Babe?” Dean asked, rocking back to sit on his heels and putting his hand over Cas’. _Fuck._  


Cas took a breath that shook and pulled Dean to his feet and into a hug. “What’s wrong, Cas?” Dean asked, rubbing the angel’s back.  


“I do not want our lovemaking to bring back bad memories,” Cas said, his voice muffled somewhat by Dean’s neck. “I do not want you to be afraid of me again.”  


Dean frowned. “Afraid of you?” he said. “Cas-” and then it occurred to him and he pulled Cas against him a little bit more tightly. “You’re talking about the whole ‘thinking you were god when actually you were full of monsters’ thing, yeah? When you told us to kneel.”  


Cas flinched and nodded.  


Dean kissed him, shaking his head. “What did I say about finding reasons not to be happy?” he said, pulling back and caressing Cas’ cheek. “Look, Cas, not your best moment.”  


The angel snorted.  


“But we can take it back,” Dean said firmly. “Turn it to something good.”  


“Are you sure?” Cas asked, his expression so adorably earnest that Dean had to kiss him hard and sloppy until they were both laughing a little breathlessly. “All right,” Cas said. “Message received, Dean.”  


Dean grinned at him and watched as his angel composed himself once more. He gave Cas an encouraging nod, aware that he was already half hard. “Tell me what you need, Cas,” Dean said, giving his angel’s hand a squeeze.  


Cas’ adam’s apple worked as he swallowed hard. “I would like to see you on your knees, Dean,” he said in a quiet, rough voice.  


“Come on, babe,” Dean said, not budging. “It’s all right to say it, I promise. Channel Brody and let me have it.”  


That got an eyebrow raise as Cas’ lips curled into that smile that warmed Dean’s body all the way through. “As you wish,” Cas murmured. He reached up, his fingers curling into Dean’s hair and giving it a gentle tug. “I want you to _kneel_ , Dean.”  


Dean did as he asked right away, resting his palms on his thighs and looking up at Cas with what he hoped was a credible imitation of Cas' most innocent expression. 

Cas hissed and tugged on Dean’s hair, pulling him closer. “Dean.”  


Dean shot him his best shit-eating grin. “Yeah?”  


“If you do not take me into your mouth, I swear to you I will make your next orgasm take twice as long to achieve,” Cas growled.  


_Who the fuck am I?_ Dean thought as a moan escaped his lips. But he couldn’t deny Cas, not when Cas’ chin was tilted up and his eyebrow was arched and his fingers were so tight in Dean’s hair. So he sucked Cas into his mouth hard, listening as Cas groaned above him.  


“Dean!”  


Dean moaned and began to work his mouth up and down, reaching up to take hold of Cas' hips. He loved how Cas gripped his shoulders, and how the angel hissed with need when Dean pulled back to suck the tip of his cock.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned. “I am not going to last if you keep that up.”  


“I think I can keep it up,” Dean teased, wrapping his hand around Cas' shaft and giving it a few quick pumps as he sucked the top half of Cas’ cock back into his mouth.  


Cas laughed and the sound filled Dean with warmth, and not just for how it went to his cock. He loved the lightness he could hear in Cas’ voice. He loved knowing that he was making his partner feel relaxed and happy and undeniably _good_.  


“Touch-” Cas gasped as Dean ran his tongue over the head of his cock. “Touch yourself, Dean!”  


Dean wasted no time in obeying, sucking Cas hard and stroking him with one hand, the other wrapped around his own cock as he drove them both towards the edge. There was a time for taking things slow and methodical, but it wasn’t when Cas was gripping his hair with his head thrown back and his full lips parted as the most sexy fucking sounds came up from somewhere deep in him. It wasn’t when Dean was already hard again just watching and listening and feeling Cas against his tongue. And it _definitely_ wasn’t when Cas was repeating his name like a prayer.  


“Dean, I’m close!” Cas moaned, his hand tightening so hard it hurt. “Dean!”  


Dean moaned around him, sucking as much of Cas into his mouth as he could. The angel let out a long cry of pleasure, his hips rocking fast and hard as his cum struck the back of Dean’s throat. It sent Dean over the edge and he found himself pumping his hand as his orgasm hit him, moaning around Cas’ cock as the aftershocks hit them both. He listened for Cas’ soft laugh and whispered “no more” before he pulled back and grinned up at his angel.  


“You sure?” he teased, kissing Cas’ thigh.  


Cas was watching him, a curious expression on his face.  


“What?” Dean asked. Then, he realized. He had swallowed. And it hadn’t even felt weird.  


“Come here,” Cas said tenderly, pulling Dean to his feet and into a slow kiss. “I love you, Dean,” he said against Dean’s lips. “You make me very, very happy.”  


“You said that to a hamburger once,” Dean grumbled, smiling.  


“I was under the influence of Famine at the time if you will recall,” Cas said, nudging Dean back towards the bed. They tumbled down together, Cas landing on top of Dean and nuzzling under his chin.  


“Is there anything that you are ‘hungry’ for now?” Dean asked. He’d intended it to be silly, but as Cas let out a soft chuckle, he realized that there was a serious question in there. “I mean it,” he said, surprising them both. “Are you...is this working so far?” He blushed and looked down. “Am I...I don’t know...living up to the hype?”  


“You mean because I was in love with you for so many years before my feelings were reciprocated,” Cas said and it hit Dean like a punch to the gut.  


“I think it was reciprocated before either one of us realized it,” Dean managed to say, hugging Cas hard. “But yeah, something like that.”  


“You know that I tried not to allow myself to fantasize about you,” Cas said. “But...what we have far surpasses anything I could have imagined.” The angel’s cheeks colored. “You are perfect,” Cas said simply.  


“Cas,” Dean breathed, tilting Cas’ chin up to kiss his lips. “So are you.”  


Cas made a happy sound and eagerly kissed him back before stretching out on top of him with a happy sigh.  


“We should get cleaned up and get back to indexing,” Cas said after a long, comfortable silence.  


Dean sighed. “I guess,” he grumbled. “But only if we can play footsie under the table.”  


Cas sat up a little and grinned down at him. His hair was tousled and Dean felt a wild surge of adoration for his partner as he reached up and brushed Cas’ hair off of his forehead. “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” the angel replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been home yesterday and today waiting on the results of a COVID test and wrote today to keep my mind focused on something good. (Please don't worry, I think it's just a cold but I would never forgive myself if I wasn't cautious and got the people around me sick)
> 
> The porn included in this is just something I kind of imagined as what Dean and Cas would gravitate towards. I hope that it worked in the chapter and didn't come across too awkward. I have some fun ideas for both smut and plot heavy chapters (as well as a bananas crack-fic idea), but I would also love to hear if there's anything folks would really like to see. 
> 
> Take care and be well, friends. Thanks for sticking with me so far!
> 
> ~SLN


	20. “Inevitably, underlying instabilities begin to appear.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A family movie night leads to a powerful reaction from Dean and a difficult conversation with Sam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, Child abuse, Panic Attacks**
> 
> Chapter title is a quote from Dr. Ian Malcolm from the book Jurassic Park.

“Hey!” Sam said, rounding the corner with Eileen in tow.  


Dean looked up from his book, feeling a blush creep up his cheeks. He and Cas’ legs were tangled together under the table and the angel was almost sitting in his lap his chair was so close to Dean’s. 

They had been looking through the book the monks had illustrated, not really working, just enjoying the art and the company.  


_I have been thoroughly domesticated_ , Dean thought as he leaned back and draped his arm over Cas’ shoulders. “Heya, Sammy,” he said out loud. “Whatcha got there?” he asked, nodding to the bags that Sam held.  


“We bought some movies,” Eileen signed, grinning.  


“And a crock pot,” Sam said. “Eileen has never had chili before.”  


Dean blinked at her. “You what?” he said. “Really?”  


She shrugged. “I don’t like beans,” she signed, making a face.  


“Chili doesn’t have beans in it!” Dean exclaimed.  


Sam turned to her. “See?” he signed.  


She looked skeptical. “Every chili I’ve ever seen has beans in it.”  


“Bobby never made it with beans,” Dean said. “Didn’t he always used to say: ‘Anyone who knows beans about chili-”  


“Knows that chili don’t have beans,” Sam finished. “Yeah. He always told that story about…” he went silent, a sad smile on his face.  


“About his wife,” Dean finished. “How she changed his mind about it.” He smiled at the memory. “Man, game day chili…”  


Sam held up one of the grocery bags. “I got the stuff,” he said. “Think we could pull it off?”  


“I don’t know,” Dean said, grinning up at him. “Think you can sweat some onions without setting the pan on fire?”  


“That was one time!” Sam said.  


“You set a pan on fire?” Eileen signed. “Were you a child?”  


“It was last year,” Dean said.  


Eileen started laughing and Sam made a face at Dean. “Dude, it was an accident.”  


“You set off the sprinklers in the kitchen,” Dean said, grinning at him. “C’mon, if you want the chili tonight, we should get it going.”  


It was fun to be in the kitchen, just the four of them. Dean even did his best to let the others help, rolling his eyes at Sam’s teasing about how possessive he was of “his” kitchen.  


“I know how to dice an onion, Dean,” Sam grumbled.  


Eileen motioned “kinda” behind Sam’s back, making Dean snort with laughter.  


Sam gave her a wounded look, but he couldn’t hide his smile as he leaned down to give her a peck on the cheek.  


“For someone so good with knives,” Eileen signed, “your dicing leaves a lot to be desired.”  


“She is right, Sam,” Cas said, smiling. “The point of a dice is for the pieces of food to be the same size.”  


“Make fun,” Sam said, giving an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “But none of you can bake worth a damn.”  


Dean had to give his brother that. Sam was a much much better baker than any of them.  


“I will do the vegetables,” Cas said, taking the knife and onions away from Sam. “You should play to your strengths, Sam. Cornbread would be good with chili. That is what Gordon would do.”  


Sam raised an eyebrow at the reference, but agreed with a good-natured grumble. Soon the kitchen was filled with the scent of sweating onions and browning meat. Eileen was looking a little less skeptical as Dean put together the spice mixture and by the time they combined everything in the crock pot she was starting to look excited.  


“I’ll fix the cornbread later,” Sam said as Eileen put her arm around him.  


“We should get a run in,” she signed. “If we are going to have all of that meat tonight.” She glanced over at Dean. “Want to join us?” she signed, her eyes twinkling.  


Dean snorted and waved them off. “You kids have fun.”  


Sam clapped him on the shoulder and left the kitchen with Eileen, leaving Dean with Cas. Immediately his angel was in his space, smiling up at him with his arms around Dean’s waist.  


“We should shower while they are running,” Cas said in a low voice, leaning in and kissing Dean’s neck.  


Dean tilted his head back, smiling. “Oh yeah?” he murmured. “Why’s that?” He moaned as Cas brushed his hand over where Dean was already half hard.  


“Do you really have to ask?” the angel replied.  


“You know that I like to hear you say it,” Dean said, blushing. “It’s hot.”  


Cas smiled up at him and gave him a gentle nudge backwards until Dean’s back was pressed against the wall. “I would like to shower with you, Dean,” Cas said, his eyes bright. “In the hopes that I can tempt you to make love to me again.”  


Dean growled and jerked his angel in for a kiss, sliding his hands up the back of Cas’ shirt as the angel’s tongue pressed his lips open. “For being an angel, you always tempt me,” he said, loving Cas’ soft whimper. He broke the kiss and took Cas’ hand, leading him out of the kitchen and down towards the showers. They undressed each other with slowness that belied the heat of the kisses they shared, and Dean sighed happily as they stepped into the steaming water. They washed each other slowly and when they were done, Cas pulled back a little and smiled up at him.  


“What?” Dean asked, caressing his angel’s cheek.  


“I am happy,” Cas said with a little shrug.  


“Me too, baby,” Dean said, giving him a tender kiss and taking him into his arms. It felt so good to have their bodies pressed together, and how normal it felt blew his mind. The brush of Cas’ cock against his, the feeling of Cas’ chest pressed against him, the rasp of Cas’ stubble against his lips, it all just felt like home now.  


He slid his hands down Cas’ back, cupping the angel’s ass just to hear him gasp. “Dean!”  


“Yeah?” Dean asked, leaning in and sucking a hickie into Cas’ neck. “Fuck, you taste good,” he growled.  


“Dean!” Cas whimpered, shivering a little under Dean’s lips.  


_Fuck he makes me crazy_ , Dean thought as he soothed his hands over Cas’ back. “What do you need, baby?” he asked softly.  


“Will you make love to me?” Cas asked, threading his hands through Dean’s hair and looking up at him with his eyes wide.  


Dean felt the question hit him in the gut as his cock jerked in response. “That depends on how you’re doing,” Dean said, rubbing the angel’s lower back. “Are you still sore?”  


Cas shook his head. “I am fine, Dean,” he said, nuzzling under Dean’s chin with a happy sigh. “I promise.”  


“You aren’t just saying that so I’ll fuck you, are you?” Dean said, kissing the top of Cas’ head.  


He felt Cas chuckle against his chest. “I would not mislead you about that,” Cas said, kissing Dean’s collarbone. “I promise.” He continued to kiss down until he was kneeling in front of Dean, his gorgeous eyes bright as he looked up at Dean. He leaned forward and ran his tongue along Dean’s length, eliciting a hiss of need as Dean slid his hand into his angel’s hair. “Though I would also like you to,” he cocked his head, giving Dean the innocent expression that took his breath away. “Fuck me.”  


“Cas!” Dean growled as the angel sucked him into his mouth. “Fuck, you feel so damn good.”  


Cas moaned around him and when Dean looked down he saw that the angel had begun to stroke his own cock. The sight took Dean’s breath away and it took all of his self control to pull Cas to his feet.  


“C’mere,” he rasped, pulling Cas in for a kiss. “Let’s get back to our room before we give Sam and Eileen an eyeful.” He turned off the water before Cas could tempt him again and the angel grinned up at him as they dried off and put on their robes. Dean grabbed Cas by the belt of his robe and jerked him closer, giving him a hungry smile. Tugging on the robe’s sash, Dean led Cas back to their room and locked the door behind them, crowding Cas up against it. Their robes hit the ground almost immediately as they began to kiss, and Dean loved Cas’ soft whimper of need as he reached down and ran his fingers over Cas’ length.  


“Dean, please,” Cas whispered, his fingertips trailing over Dean’s neck as his eyes fluttered shut. “Will you make love to me?”  


“Are you sure?” Dean asked, rubbing his nose against Cas’.  


Cas nodded and gave Dean a gentle push towards the bed. Dean let him, laughing as they tumbled down onto the sheets together. They lay on their sides facing each other enjoying a long, languid kiss.  


“I’m yours, Dean,” Cas said against his lips.  


Dean nodded, rolling his angel onto his back and kissing him deeply. He took his time kissing down Cas’ body, wanting his partner to be as relaxed as possible even as he was working him up. He loved how Cas moved beneath him, loved how Cas’ back arched as the angel parted his legs when Dean slid between them. Cas’ breathless moan as Dean pushed his legs up to his chest and began to lick him, teasing him open, had Dean’s cock leaking. It didn’t feel wrong, didn’t feel weird, it just felt good to touch and lick Cas until he was shaking and writhing beneath Dean’s mouth and fingers.  


“Dean!” Cas whimpered. "Please? Please, I need you to-to have me!"  


Dean looked up at him, drinking in the sight of Cas splayed for him, the angel’s eyes half-lidded, his full lips slack as his breath came in quick pants. The angel's words went straight to Dean’s cock and he forced himself to breathe so that he wouldn’t just jump his partner without being sure that he was ready. “Almost, baby,” he said, grabbing the lube and liberally applying some to his fingers and to Cas. He was slow and purposeful as he slid first one, then two fingers into Cas, taking his time to be sure that he wouldn’t hurt him. He moaned when Cas tightened around him and watched Cas’ cock twitch and drip onto his belly when Dean stroked his fingers over the angel’s p-spot. Soon Cas was repeating his name like a prayer and though part of him wanted to drive Cas over the edge, Dean withdrew his fingers. He looked up at Cas and found the angel watching him. "Are you sure you want-" 

"YES!" Cas groaned, smiling down at him. "Please, Dean!" 

Dean shivered at the raw need in Cas' voice and smiled back up at him. He made sure that both he and Cas were generously covered in lube and then slid into his angel in one long, slow stroke.  


“Dean!” Cas moaned, his arms wrapping around Dean tightly.  


Dean moaned into Cas’ neck, taking the angel into his arms as he began to ease in and out. “You feel so good, Cas,” he murmured, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses up to Cas’ lips. “Does it feel ok?”  


Cas gave him a dreamy smile. “Amazing,” he said, his eyes shining. “I love-” he blushed. 

“What do you love, Cas?” Dean asked, stroking the hair off of his forehead.  


“Being one with you,” Cas said, glancing down.  


Dean cupped his chin and tilted his face back up, his heart swelling. “I love it too,” he said, his voice husky. He kissed Cas tenderly and then pulled back a little, an idea occurring to him. “I want to try something,” he said.  


Cas nodded and Dean eased out of him, laughing softly at Cas' disgruntled huff. "Trust me," Deann said, turning them both on their sides. He pulled Cas’ leg up onto his thigh and then slid back into Cas from behind. He hugged his angel hard, kissing and licking the back of his neck. Cas moaned reached back, his hand in Dean’s hair. “Is this ok?” he asked. “Do you like this?”  


“Mmmmm,” Cas moaned, rocking his hips and turning to catch Dean’s lips with his own. “It feels different,” he said and Dan could hear him smile. “Sweet, as though the purpose is less bringing each other to fruition and more the intimacy.” He let out a soft sigh. "I like it very much,” he said.  


"I'm glad," Dean said, nuzzling behind Cas' ear. "I just want to make you feel good," he said quietly. "And safe. I only want this to be good for you, Cas." 

"It is," Cas said and Dean could hear him smiling. "Admittedly, my frame of reference is very small, but I have never known pleasure like I do with you." 

Normally Dean would have had a sassy response, but like so many things with Cas, it was different. Cas' words warmed him through and through and brought up a fierce surge of protectiveness. He found himself blushing and kissed his angel's cheek. _I am such a sap,_ Dean thought, smiling as he tightened his arms around Cas and held him close as they moved together. They lay that way for a long time, gently finding pleasure together as they whispered soft endearments. Dean could have stayed there forever listening to Cas' soft gasps of pleasure and feeling the comforting warmth of his angel's body against his own. Cas was utterly pliable in his hands, reacting to every touch and caress with adorable sounds of need and minute movements of his hips and as sweet as it undeniably _was_ , it was also hot as hell. Cas let out a breathless laugh as Dean nipped his earlobe and began to slide his palm down the angel's belly. “There’s another advantage to the position,” he whispered into Cas’ ear as he took hold of his cock and began to stroke. He saw stars as Cas tightened abruptly around him and it took a great deal of self-control not to thrust into him with abandon.  


“Cas!” Dean groaned, tightening his free arm around Cas as he stroked him. “Fuck, baby you feel so damn good!”  


"You...you too!" Cas breathed, one of his hands in Dean's hair and the other clutching Dean's arm as the two of them lapsed into silence apart from soft moans and gasps as they slowly built their pleasure together. Dean knew from the tension in Cas’ belly that the angel was close and he nuzzled Cas’ ear, softly whispering to his lover as he stroked Cas’ cock.  


“You are so good to me, Castiel," he said. "So good. You feel so good." He _felt_ Cas' breath catch and continued, knowing that the quiet praise would push Cas to the edge as surely as anything he did to the angel's body. He felt his cheeks reddening as he continued. "No one does it for me like you, Cas. You are fucking _perfect_ for me." 

"Dean!" Cas moaned, his voice was thick with emotion. A shudder went through his body as Dean gently rocked his hips, his hand never leaving Cas' cock. 

"Let it go, Cas,” Dean said, pressing his lips to every bit of skin he could reach. “Let it go. Cum for me!”  


“Dean!” Cas moaned. “But you haven’t...you-”  


“S’ok,” Dean replied, kissing Cas’ cheek. “It’s ok, let it go, sweetheart just let it go. I’ve got you. I don’t need anything else but this.”  


Cas turned slightly in his arms, his lips finding Dean’s as he let out an adorable little whimper of need before abruptly going still. Then he began to spasm, breathless whimpers escaping against Dean’s lips as his cock jerked. Dean felt Cas’ cum coating his hand as he stroked him through the aftershocks and he loved Cas’ breathless laugh when the angel finally swatted his hand away. “Dean,” Cas murmured, his voice soft and sleepy. “Love you...so much.”  


“You too, angel,” Dean replied, tightening his arms around Cas and closing his eyes. He didn’t care that he hadn’t cum, didn’t care about anything but the quiet, happy sounds that Cas was making. He was so content that he must have dozed off, finding himself awakened a little later by a soft knock on the door.  


“Hey guys,” Sammy said. “Chili is about ready. Want to do dinner and a movie?”  


“Thank you, Sam,” Cas replied. “We will be right out.”  


“How long have I been asleep?” Dean said, a little groggy. He had softened while sleeping and was no longer inside Cas, so he pulled his angel against himself tightly to make up for it.  


“A few hours,” Cas replied, wriggling in his arms and turning to give him a kiss.  


“You could have woken me up,” Dean grumbled against his lips.  


Cas shrugged. “You looked peaceful,” he said. “I like seeing you that way. And you do not sleep enough.” He kissed the tip of Dean’s nose, his gorgeous eyes searching Dean’s. “Was that...is it all right that you didn’t-”  


“It's totally all right, Cas,” Dean said, giving him a slow, passionate kiss just to drive the point home. He winked at the angel, hoping to diffuse some of the anxiety he could feel emanating off his partner. “I have a feeling you’ll make it up to me.”  


The look Cas gave him raised gooseflesh on his arms as the angel let out a little growl and pounced on him. They shared a long kiss before reluctantly getting out bed, cleaning up, dressing, and walking hand in hand down to the kitchen.  


Dean had to admit, the kitchen smelled pretty damn amazing. He eyed the chili critically as he dished it up while Sam cut the cornbread. It looked pretty close to Bobby's, though it was a little less dark than Bobby's had been. The four of them sat around the kitchen table and Dean couldn’t help but watch Eileen as she took her first bite. She chewed, her expression neutral, and then grinned. “Ok,” she signed. “This is delicious.”  


Dean let out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and smiled at Eileen. “Thank you,” he signed back. “I’m glad you like it.”  


“The cornbread is also very good, Sam,” Cas said, breaking his piece up and putting on top of his chili.  


“Thanks, buddy,” Sam replied, sprinkling some sharp cheddar onto his chili. “I think we got pretty close to Bobby's,” he said, glancing over at Dean.  


Dean nodded, scooping up another spoonful and chewing contemplatively. “I feel like something’s missing,” he said. "Bobby added something else that I can't put my finger on."  


“You’ll just have to make it again,” Eileen said with a smile. “To figure it out.”  


“Deal,” Dean said. The rest of dinner was relaxed as they ate and chatted, enjoying each other’s company. They did the dishes together and when the kitchen was clean Eileen suggested that they watch a movie.  


“We got some new ones,” she signed.  


Dean glanced at Cas, who nodded. “We’re in,” he said. Together they trooped down to Bag End, where Sam went to the movie shelf and pulled a DVD case off. “Look what I got!” he said excitedly.  


Dean froze.  


Jurassic Park.  


“We haven’t seen it in ages,” Sam said and for a moment Dean was looking at ten-year-old Sammy the day they had gone to see it in theaters.  


Dean felt Cas’ hand slide into his and squeeze as he tried to convince his throat to work. How could he turn down Sam when he was looking that excited? He didn’t want to take away what was a good memory for his brother. “Sure,” he said. “Let’s do it. Tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you guys start and I’ll make popcorn and grab us some beers.”  


“I think I am too full for popcorn,” Eileen signed.  


“Yeah,” Sam said. “Maybe pause halfway through, do popcorn and beer then?”  


Dean somehow managed to keep his expression neutral as he nodded.  


“I would like a beer,” Cas said and Dean felt a rush of warmth for his partner so deep it almost took his breath away. Cas plopped down on the couch where Dean usually sat and Dean realized that Cas was setting it up so that Dean would be able to lean against him through the movie, as well as giving him a moment to compose himself.  


“Anything else, your Highness?” he asked Cas, proud that he managed to sound something close to normal.  


Cas met his eyes, a silent question in his as he gave a shake of his head.  


Dean nodded, motioning for Sam to start the movie as he hurried from the room and down to the kitchen. He got out beers for him and Cas and then leaned against the fridge, doing his best to breathe deeply.  


"It’s just a movie," he told himself sternly.  


_“It was my idea, Dad. It’s not Sammy’s fault. It’s not his fault, dad, it’s not-”_ the pain of the slap and the beating that followed...fuck, how was he going to do this?  


He opened the beers and drank his down standing there in the kitchen. He thought about getting another one, but somehow he thought it might make things worse. So, he rolled his shoulders back and forced himself to walk back to join the others. His heart was in his throat, and his hand shook when he handed Cas his beer. Cas motioned for him to sit between his legs so that he could lean back against the angel’s chest.  


“Changing it up?” Eileen signed from her customary place leaning against Sam.  


“Dean’s back was troubling him earlier,” Cas said before Dean could respond. “I do not want to cause him further pain.”  


_Fuck, he is so good to me,_ Dean thought, turning his head and kissing Cas on the cheek before snuggling back against his angel.  


The first part of the movie was all right. And Dean was starting to think that maybe he had worked himself up for nothing when the Jeeps rolled out onto the field and up the hill. And then there was the Brachiosaurus and Dean was _back_ in the theater with ten-year-old Sammy gripping his arm, his eyes enormous and shining as he whispered: “It’s a Brachiosaurus, Dean! Look at it! It's a Brachiosaurus!”  


_“Dr. Grant...My Dear Dr. Sattler…welcome, to Jurassic Park.”_ The music swelled and suddenly Dean’s heart was pounding in his ears as a cold sweat broke out on his skin. _“What the hell were you thinking?”_  


“I am with you,” Cas whispered in his ear, lacing his fingers through Dean’s and pulling him back against his chest. “No one will hurt you, love. You are safe with me.”  


Dean squeezed the angel’s hand hard enough that he was worried that he might hurt him. Cas’ free hand slid up into Dean’s hair and began to stroke.  


Slowly Dean’s heart rate began to return to normal under the angel’s gentle touch. Cas’ hands never left his body, whether it was stroking through his hair, or massaging his neck and shoulders, or simply holding his hands.  


He was doing all right until the scene when Rexy attacked the kids in the car. Sam had been clinging to him in the theater during that scene, occasionally hiding behind Dean’s shoulder. Dean felt the little tremors running through his body and a curious numbness in his fingertips as he tried to focus on the screen. Cas’ hands smoothed over his shoulders and it helped a little, but when Rexy burst through the top of the car Dean felt his stomach heave and it was only through sheer force of will that dinner didn’t come back up.  


“I’ve got you,” Cas whispered, hugging him.  


“I know,” he said back quietly, hearing how his voice shook. _Fuck, I am a mess. Everything I have been through and I am losing it over Jurassic fucking Park._ It helped to have Cas more than he could have said, but it was still the longest ninety minutes that Dean could remember spending in a very long time. He tried to enjoy it, he did, but every time he started to relax at all he would hear his father’s voice and feel a surge of nausea.  


When the final credits rolled, Dean felt like he had run a marathon. He was sweaty and he felt utterly and completely exhausted.  


“Still holds up,” Sam said excitedly.  


“I had forgotten how legitimately scary parts of it are,” Eileen signed.  


“Dean couldn’t watch the kitchen scene the first time we saw it,” Sam said with a chuckle. “Freaked him out.”  


Dean forced himself to laugh, but felt Cas tense behind him.  


There was an indignant note to the angel's voice when he spoke. “That is because-”  


“Anyone need another beer?” Dean said, jerking to his feet. “I need another beer.”  


“Dean?” Sam asked, frowning. Fuck, he was on the scent now. “Is there something wrong?”  


“Nah,” Dean said, giving Cas a look. He hurried from the room before anyone could say anything, only slowing down once he was back in the kitchen.  


_“It was my idea, Dad. It’s not Sammy’s fault. It’s not his fault, dad, it’s not-”_  


He found himself sitting on the floor against the fridge with his legs pulled up to his chest and his arms around them, struggling to bring his breathing back under control.  


_“What the hell were you thinking?”_  


“Dean?”  


He heard Cas’ soft footfalls and then felt his angel sit down next to him. Cas didn’t speak right away, just wrapped an arm around his shoulders and tugged Dean against his side.  


“Stupid,” Dean whispered. “It’s just a fucking movie, Cas but I...I…” his stomach rolled and he found himself lurching for the trash, someone managing to get his puke inside. “Shit,” he panted. “Shit, shit, shit, shit!”  


Cas was there at his side with a damp dishcloth and some water, and Dean accepted them gratefully.  


“I’ve literally been to Hell,” Dean rasped, wiping the rag over his face. “Why is this fucking with me so bad? Panic attacks at a fucking dinosaur movie, God damn it.”  


"Dean...I know that I am not always the best at understanding human emotion," Cas said. "But...Sam has often said that trauma is trauma. And in this case a memory that should be simply pleasant is decidedly _not_." He put his arm back around Dean. "It was a brave thing you did for your brother tonight,” Cas said gently.  


Dean leaned his head against Cas’ shoulder, resting his hand on Cas’ leg and giving it a squeeze. “Thanks, Cas,” he said, closing his eyes. "I hope you know that it really helped to have you there."  


Cas kissed the top of his head, hugging him. “I know that it was not my place to intervene with Sam,” Cas said after a moment. “I just..." he went silent and Dean glanced over at him. “I do not like to hear Sam make fun of you when he does not know-”  


“When he doesn’t know what?”  


Dean flinched. Of _course_ Sam had followed him.  


Worry was etched across Sam’s face as he joined them in the kitchen, coming to crouch down by Dean. “You ok?” he asked. “What don’t I know?”  


“It’s not a big deal,” Dean said right away, but he knew as soon as he met Sam’s eyes that it was pointless. Sam wouldn't let it go now that he knew something was up.  


“Did I say something?” Sam asked, frowning.  


Dean hesitated and Cas gave his shoulder a gentle nudge. “You deserve for him to know the truth,” Cas said gently. “Even if it changes things.”  


Dean sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “It’s the movie,” he blurted out.  


Sam’s brows furrowed. “Jurassic Park?” he asked with obvious confusion.  


“Sammy…” Dean took a deep breath. “Sam, Christmas wasn’t the first time we saw it,” he said in a rush. “The reason I had a hard time watching it wasn’t because I was scared of the dinosaurs it was because-because-” his throat dried up and he found himself desperately looking at Cas.  


“It was because Dean took you to see it in theaters,” Cas supplied, taking his hand. “Against your father’s orders.” He gave Dean’s hand a squeeze. “John Winchester reacted badly.”  


Horror was dawning on Sam’s face and while there was undeniable relief that it was out, it broke Dean’s heart to see Sam’s sadness.  


“Oh my God,” Sam whispered, staring off into the middle distance. “We were in...Wisconsin? Right? Checking out that Bray Road thing and Dad left us at the hotel and you...Oh my God.”  


“You blocked it out,” Dean said, shrugging. “I can’t fault you for that, Sammy, I just…” he let out a bitter laugh. “It’s hard to feel nostalgic about it.”  


“Dean,” Sam said, resting his hand on Dean’s shoulder. “I am so sorry. I feel like a jackass. I...I remember what Dad-” he blanched. “You locked me in the bathroom and-and-”  


“Yeah,” Dean said, not wanting him to continue.  


“I can’t believe that I didn’t remember,” Sam whispered. “I can’t believe I made you watch it.”  


“I didn’t want to take the memory from you, Sammy,” Dean said miserably. “I’ll never forget how happy you were when we saw the Brachiosaurus for the first time. I wanted you to have that memory not...not the rest of it.”  


He saw Sam swallow hard and then his brother pulled him into a tight hug. “Dean...I’m sorry,” Sam said. “For blocking it out. You deserved better than that for what you did for me.”  


“It’s ok, Sammy,” Dean said, his voice rough.  


Sam pulled back and helped him to his feet, giving him another hug. “Can I do anything to-to make up for it?”  


Dean gave him a tired smile and shook his head. “I’ll think of something,” he said tiredly. “I think for now I just want to go and crash.”  


Sam nodded and walked with them out of the kitchen, giving Dean a last squeeze on the shoulder before turning towards Bag End.  


“I am proud of you,” Cas said quietly.  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, leaning against him heavily. “I...thanks for your help there.”  


Cas kissed his cheek and slid his arm around his waist. “I have an idea,” he said.  


“Oh?” Dean said, pinching the bridge of his nose. Fuck, he had a headache.  


“Come on,” Cas said, taking his hand. The angel led him back to their room and helped him lie down. “Are you comfortable being alone for a few minutes?” Cas asked, stroking his fingers through Dean’s hair.  


Dean nodded and smiled faintly as Cas brushed his lips over his forehead. He heard the door shut and he must have drifted, because he awoke to Cas gently touching his shoulder. He looked up at his angel and saw that Cas was holding his robe. He let the angel pull him to his feet and undress him, then padded after Cas past the shower room. Cas opened the next door and Dean found himself looking at the massive rectangular tub filled with water that steamed and illuminated by dozens of candles.  


“Realistic flicker action,” Cas said with a little smile as he shut the door behind them. "Just like in Chicago."  


“Cas,” Dean whispered, his throat getting tight. “You didn’t have to do this.”  


“I wanted to,” Cas said, giving Dean a tight hug. “Now please, let me take care of you.”  


Dean found himself struggling to speak as he leaned his forehead against Cas’. _What did I ever do to deserve this?_ He asked himself. _To deserve **him**?_" “Ok,” he whispered a little raggedly. “Tell me what you want me to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of PTSD & Trauma in the comment below, if you don't want to read that just know I appreciate you reading this chapter and hope to see you in the next one! Next chapter is going to be fluff/smut. All the love, ~SLN**
> 
> As much as I enjoyed writing the smutty part of this chapter, the parts dealing with Dean's PTSD were really hard. I debated including it, but I wanted to give Dean a moment to have a completely fair reaction to childhood trauma. We can't choose the experiences that have a lasting impact on us and this just felt very organic to me. As someone who has experienced her share of trauma, I relate to Dean's frustration when it is something seemingly benign and little that ends up being triggering when you feel like you've gone through so much worse. Hopefully y'all didn't hate it. I do have some fairly plot heavy chapters in the planning stages right now that will have some darker themes, so I really wanted this chapter and the next one to be mostly slice of life moments. Next chapter is going to be a whole bunch of fluff and smut. Thank you for sticking with me! 
> 
> All the love,  
> ~SLN


	21. You Come Along When I Needed You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas does his best to soothe Dean after movie night and the gentle attention leads the two to a new level of intimacy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **TRIGGER WARNING: Further discussion of PTSD & Triggers, a little bit of internalized homophobia**  
>    
> Otherwise, y'all, I think this is maybe the softest, most fluffy thing I have ever written. I hope that you enjoy it.
> 
> Chapter title is from AC/DC "Up to My Neck in You"

“It is a bath, Dean,” Cas said and Dean could hear him smiling. “You should get in.”  


“Wiseass,” Dean grumbled, kissing Cas’ lips. Still, he let Cas pull his robe from his shoulders and hang it up on the hook before he stepped into the water. He hissed at the heat as he sank down into the bubbles, noting that the water smelled of Clary Sage. His throat clenched with emotion at the sense memory. He was about to say something about it when he felt Cas’ hands in his hair massaging his scalp.  


“Cas,” he breathed, letting his head flop back on the rolled up towel and shutting his eyes.  


“Your head is hurting,” Cas observed. “I am not surprised, given the amount of emotional strain you were under.”  


“It was less than it would have been without you there,” Dean said, reaching up and squeezing Cas’ hand. “You helped, Cas. A lot.” He shook his head. “I still feel...I don’t know. A little ridiculous that something so small fucked with me so bad.”  


“I am glad that I helped,” Cas said and Dean knew from the soft, vulnerable note in his voice that his angel was flushed with pleasure at the praise. “May I confess something? Something that might perhaps make you feel a little less ‘ridiculous’?”  


Dean nodded. “Of course, Cas.”  


“You find it hard to sit through that movie,” Cas said. “I...find that I cannot abide the smell of buses.”  


Dean turned and looked at him, frowning. “Buses?” he asked.  


“The smell fills me with sadness,” Cas said. “And on bad days...fear.”  


“Ok,” Dean said, reaching for Cas’ hand. “But why, Cas?”  


“That was where I slept while I was homeless,” Cas said softly. “During the time when Gadreel was possessing Sam and I could not be here.” He gave a little shrug that broke Dean’s heart. “Apart from the constant hunting by other angels...it was very lonely.”  


“Cas-” Dean rasped, his heart breaking. “Baby, you never told me.”  


“It was not relevant,” Cas said with a sad smile. “But I thought it might help you to know that I understand your reaction on more than just an...academic level.”  


“It does,” Dean said, returning Cas’ sad smile. “Though if I could go back, Cas, I hope you know that I wouldn’t ask you to go.”  


Cas nodded and Dean reached for him. “C’mon,” Dean said, motioning for Cas to join him. “It’s a little lonely in here,” Dean said, blushing. “Will you get in here with me?”  


“Are you sure?” Cas asked. “I was just going to let you enjoy it.”  


Dean gave his hand a gentle tug. “I’ll enjoy it more with you,” he said.  


He heard Cas rise behind him and the sound of the angel’s clothes dropping to the floor. “Scoot forward,” Cas said and Dean felt his throat clench.  


“You don’t have-”  


“I want to hold you,” Cas said, giving his shoulder a little nudge. “Scoot forward.”  


Dean didn’t _really_ want to argue with him, so he did as his angel asked and in a moment found himself settling back against Cas happily. Cas wrapped his arms around him and the two of them sat there together for awhile, just enjoying the heat of the water and the warm comfort of their bodies together.  


Soon Cas reached up and began to massage Dean’s head again, and Dean felt his eyes roll back in his head as he sighed happily. Cas was methodical, rubbing his head, then down to his neck and shoulders before picking up a washcloth and pouring some citrusy soap onto it. He cleaned Dean with gentle thoroughness, until Dean’s whole body felt like it was melting under his partner’s loving caress.  


Dean realized when he took a shuddering breath that somewhere during Cas’ ministrations he had begun to cry. It started as a trickle at first, but soon he was sobbing in Cas’ arms as the tension that he had been holding drained from his body.  


Cas held him, murmuring quiet endearments to him as the angel let him cry himself out.  


“I’m sorry,” Dean finally managed to rasp. “I’m sorry, Cas, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  


“Nothing,” Cas said, reaching up with the washcloth and wiping Dean’s tears away. “Nothing is wrong with you, Dean.”  


Dean turned partway in the tub and found Cas looking at him with such a gentle, loving expression on his face that he felt his eyes welling up again. “I’m sitting in your lap crying like a big baby,” he said with a wobbling smile.  


“I like having you in my lap,” Cas said, rubbing his nose against Dean’s. “And you are not a baby. You are much too old.”  


The comment startled a snort out of Dean and Cas smiled at him and gave him a tender kiss. “It’s all right, Dean,” he said, pulling Dean against him.  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, kissing Cas’ collarbone.  


“Always,” Cas said, resting his head on top of Dean’s. His hands stroked up and down Dean’s back and arms, lulling him until he was close to dozing off.  


“How are you feeling?” Cas asked, kissing his hair. “How is your head?”  


“So much better,” Dean said. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you worked some mojo on me.”  


He felt Cas shake his head and heard the angel’s quiet chuckle rumble through his chest. “No mojo needed,” he said. “I merely know how to make you feel good.”  


There was a tiny edge to his tone that raised the hairs on the back of Dean’s neck. “Better than anyone,” he said. He blushed. “Better than anyone ever has.”  


Cas cupped his chin and tilted his face up, kissing him softly. The kiss began sweet, but Dean found himself turning, grumbling against Cas’ lips as he awkwardly shifted so that he was facing his angel. Cas moved forward a little and pulled Dean’s legs around his waist and took him into his arms. The kiss deepened then, with Cas’ tongue easing Dean’s lips open.  


“Cas,” Dean moaned as the angel cupped his ass and squeezed.  


“Yes, love?” Cas asked, one of his hands sliding up and stroking up and down Dean’s back.  


Dean took a deep breath, his mind turning what he wanted to say over and over. “Cas I…” he met his angel’s eyes and felt a surge of fierce love for this man, his angel, his partner. “I think I’m ready,” he said, his eyes searching Cas’. “For you to...for us to-” he let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “You know,” he said, blushing.  


Cas’ eyes widened as the angel stilled. “Dean,” he breathed. “Are you...are you saying that you-” he reached up and cupped Dean’s cheek, his thumb running back and forth over Dean’s cheekbone. “You want me to make love to you?” he asked.  


Dean nodded, feeling his heart beginning to beat faster. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I...I think I do, Cas.”  


“Oh love,” Cas whispered, kissing him so sweetly that Dean’s eyes burned.  


Dean eased off of Cas’ lap and rose, offering his hand to his angel. Together they dried off and Cas wrapped Dean in his robe, tying the belt on it for him and using it to pull Dean in for another kiss. Dean watched him wrap a towel around his waist, aware that while his heart was pounding, he wasn’t scared. They walked down the hallway slowly, hand in hand, and when Cas locked the door behind them Dean felt an odd sort of finality.  


_Am I really going to do this?_ He asked himself as Cas untied the belt and slid Dean’s robe from his shoulders. But as his angel pulled him into a tight embrace, Dean found that he wasn’t really asking. He wanted it with a depth that threw him a little bit, even if he was a tiny bit nervous. He let Cas walk him back to the bed and lie him down, sighing happily as Cas stretched out on top of him.  


“I love you, Dean,” Cas said, running his fingers through Dean’s hair.  


“I love you too, Cas,” Dean said, wrapping his arms tightly around him.  


Cas kissed him then, and it was one for the books. It was slow and sweet, but there was profound _heat_ behind it as Cas’ tongue teased his lips open and then tangled with his. They were both breathing hard when Cas began to kiss down his body, and Dean found himself gasping as Cas flicked his tongue against Dean’s nipples.  


He rested his hand lightly on the angel’s head, unable to keep the smile from his face. “Tease,” he grumbled.  


“Do you mind?” Cas asked, continuing to lick.  


“Nah,” Dean admitted. Cas grinned at him and continued to work his way down. Normally the angel would be a little rougher, his teeth following the caress of his tongue. He liked marking Dean and Dean would have been lying if he said he didn’t love it.  


But tonight...tonight Cas was slow and completely gentle. His full lips trailed over Dean’s skin as his tongue flickered out, leaving a wet trail over Dean’s ribs and down his belly. He didn’t nip, didn’t even dig in his nails when he took hold of Dean’s hips. He touched Dean like he was made of the most fragile crystal and by the time Cas was stretched out between Dean’s legs, Dean’s eyes were prickling again.  


“Cas,” he whispered.  


“You are precious,” Cas said, kissing the top of his thigh. “And you have given me a gift. I intend on reflecting that in how I make love to you.”  


“I don’t deserve you,” Dean whispered, trailing off with a little yelp as Cas _did_ nip him on the inner thigh.  


“You deserve more than this socially awkward, cursed angel could ever give you,” Cas said firmly. He kissed the spot he had nipped and then gave Dean a radiant smile. “But I certainly intend on trying.” He kissed a little further up Dean’s thigh, his breath hot and wet on Dean’s cock as the angel looked up at him. He gave Dean a tender smile and then licked from the base of Dean’s cock up to the tip before sucking Dean into his mouth so slowly that it robbed Dean of his breath. All he could do tangle his hand in Cas’ hair, moaning as his lover established a slow, purposeful rhythm.  


“Cas!” he breathed, arching his back. “Fuck, you make me feel so good!”  


Cas made a pleased sound around him and pulled back, smiling at him before sucking Dean into his mouth hard with an obscene slurping sound that was maybe the hottest thing in the world. Dean cried out his name, his eyes rolling back in his head as the angel continued. He whimpered when Cas pulled back again, the sound trailing off into a moan as Cas began to lick down past Dean’s balls. He paused to suck them, taking first one, then the other into his mouth as he wrapped his hand around Dean’s cock and continued stroking, before resuming his journey downwards.  


Dean couldn’t have kept from moaning if he’d wanted to as Cas’ tongue flicked over his hole and he found himself parting his legs to give his partner more access. Cas’ tongue was gentle, but firm as the angel slowly teased him open, his hand never leaving Dean’s cock.  


“Cas, please!” Dean whimpered, feeling the familiar tightness building in his belly.  


“Trust me,” Cas replied, teasing Dean’s hole with the tip of his tongue before dragging the flat of it over the tight ring of muscle.  


Dean shuddered hard, his hand clenching in the sheets as he struggled not to yank on the angel’s hair. “Cas!”  


Cas repeated the motion again and again, alternating between teasing with the tip of his tongue and long, hard licks until Dean was writhing and begging his angel for something, _anything_ more. He heard himself let out the most pathetic, frustrated whimper when Cas pulled back and reached into the nightstand, pulling out their lube. The angel held his eyes as he coated his fingers and Dean’s hole.  


“Are you all right?” Cas asked, reaching over with his free hand and lacing his fingers through Dean’s. “Do you want me to keep going?”  


“Yes!” Dean gasped, squeezing Cas’ hand. “Cas, please, I need to feel you!”  


Cas kissed his inner thigh and then slowly began to ease his fingers into Dean, gently teasing Dean open. He was slow and methodical, as was his wont, and every time Dean’s eyes fluttered open he found Cas watching him closely for any sign of discomfort. He was about to say something when Cas pressed a little deeper, hitting that spot and then Dean was shaking and gasping his angel’s name as a wave of pleasure crashed over him that took his breath away.  


“There?” Cas whispered, stroking his fingers over the spot again.  


Dean jerked under his hand, nodding wildly as he struggled to speak. “You-” he whimpered. “You’re gonna make me-fuck, Cas, fuck, it feels so good you’re gonna make me cum!”  


Cas curled his fingers as he once more took Dean’s cock in his free hand and Dean found himself keening for relief as the angel worked to make sure that his body was ready. “Cas!”  


“I have got you, Dean,” Cas said. “Breathe, breathe love. Relax.”  


Dean let out a wild laugh, even as his heart swelled at the pure, unadulterated love in Cas’ voice. “Tell you what?” he panted, his eyelids fluttering open as he looked down at his partner. “I’ll do this to you, and you tell me how easy it is to re-”  


Cas curled his finger again and Dean felt his cock twitch and leak and when he came back to himself and was actually able to open his eyes he saw that Cas was watching him with a smile that was more than a little smug.  


“No one likes...a smug angel,” he panted, aware that there was a huge, stupid smile on his face.  


“You do,” Cas said.  


“Nah,” Dean replied. “I love him.” _Fuck, I am such a dork over this man._  


Cas blushed adorably and then took a deep breath. “How are you doing?” he asked, releasing Dean’s cock and smoothing his palm over Dean’s belly. “I...do you want me to continue?”  


_Am I ready for this?_ Dean thought. But as he looked down at his partner, his angel, the person who had smoothed the ragged edges of his soul and made him feel like a whole person again...he knew the answer. “I’m yours, Castiel,” he said, meeting Cas’ eyes, because at he core of it, that was it. There was nothing he didn't want to share with his angel.  


Cas let out a shuddering breath and eased his fingers from Dean, making him whimper at the loss. The angel applied a generous amount of lube to himself and to Dean before wiping his hands on a soapy towel that he’d prepared. Then slid up Dean's body, giving him a slow kiss. “I need you to be sure,” Cas said, cupping Dean’s cheek as he echoed Dean’s words to him. “I will never forgive myself if I hurt you.”  


Dean felt a curious tightness in his throat as he looked up at his angel and reached up to caress Cas’ cheek. “I’m sure,” he rasped.  


Cas nodded and Dean heard himself let out a soft gasp as his partner pressed against him. “I love you, Dean,” Cas said in a low voice.  


“I love you too, Cas,” Dean replied, aware that he was clinging to Cas’ shoulders as he looked up at his angel. Cas’ eyes didn’t leave his as the angel slowly rocked his hips forward, the head of his cock pressing into Dean.  


Dean’s breath caught and Cas froze immediately. “It’s ok,” Dean somehow managed to whisper. “I’m ok it’s just...different.”  


Cas kissed him sweetly, but didn’t move, instead stroking his fingers through Dean’s hair and caressing his face. “I am in no rush, Dean,” he said, before giving Dean a long, languid kiss. Dean tightened his arms around his angel, forcing himself to breathe. Butterflies were swarming in his stomach, but it wasn’t a bad feeling, and he found himself tilting his hips, trying to feel more.  


Cas’ gentle touch at his hip stilled him and he heard an echo of his own words to the angel as Cas whispered to him. “Slow, love,” Cas said, peppering his cheeks with tender kisses. “There is no rush. Please, let me take care of you. Please trust me.”  


“I do,” Dean said as Cas blurred in his vision. “More than anyone, Cas.” And as he said the words, he felt something curious happen. The little bit of tension, the little bit of hesitation that he’d been carrying, it evaporated like morning dew. Cas must have felt it, because the angel smiled sweetly at him and began to rock forward again, slowly filling Dean.  


“Cas!” Dean moaned, clutching at the angel’s shoulders as the sensations overwhelmed him. The way his body stretched around his partner, how perfectly Cas filled him, the rub of Cas’ cock against that special spot inside him that had Dean gasping and tightening inadvertently around his angel. And then, then Cas was completely inside him and his lips were at Dean’s ear.  


“You are safe, love,” Cas whispered. “You are safe. I have got you.”  


“I-I know,” Dean managed to whispered through breaths that came fast and ragged. “I know, Cas, I know. Thank you, angel.”  


Cas nodded and nuzzled into Dean’s neck, giving him a series of tender kisses as he slowly pulled back almost completely before sliding back in.  


Dean moaned, his back arching up off of the bed. “Fuck!” he hissed as Cas did it again.  


The angel pulled back again and paused, and when Dean cracked an eyelid he saw Cas looking down at where they were joined. The angel caught him looking and smiled at him, leaning down to tenderly nibble on Dean’s ear. “You feel better than I ever imagined, Dean,” Cas whispered. The words hit Dean right in the gut, robbing him of his breath as he saw the raw adoration on his angel’s face. “Feeling you like this…” the angel’s voice grew rough as he cupped Dean’s cheek. “You are truly the only person in creation for me.”  


Dean leaned into his touch, nodding because he found that he couldn’t speak. They moved together, neither of them seeking anything, just touching and caressing and feeling the sensations of their bodies bound together.  


“Does it-” Cas blushed, his expression so vulnerable it made Dean’s eyes water. “Does it feel all right, love? Are you, all right?”  


Dean laughed a little breathlessly, the sound trailing off in a moan from both of them. “I’m ok,” he said, wondering at the fact that it was true. “You feel amazing, Cas. I never thought that I-” he blushed, smoothing his hands up and down Cas’ back. “That I’d ever have this, ever _want_ this.”  


“And you’re still sure that you do?” Cas asked, a little wrinkle of worry forming between his brows.  


“Ship’s kinda sailed on that, don’t you think?” Dean teased, intentionally tightening around Cas just to see the angel gasp.  


He loved the wild joy in Cas’ eyes when the angel’s opened again and Cas laughed softly, rubbing his nose against Dean’s. “Dean,” the angel rumbled. “I am being serious.”  


“I know,” Dean said, catching Cas’ lips with his own. “I want it, Cas,” he said, his cheeks reddening. He swallowed hard. “I want _you_.”  


“I am yours, Dean,” Cas murmured, wrapping his arms around Dean and holding him tightly. Their motions grew slightly more urgent as Cas began to rock his hips and Dean heard himself groan as Cas reached down with one hand and took hold of Dean’s leg, gently pushing it up a little bit to allow himself to slide deeper. They both moaned, momentarily freezing at the new level of sensation and Dean cried out his angel’s name when Cas released his leg to take hold of his cock.  


“I want to bring you to fruition, Dean,” Cas whispered, resting his forehead on Dean’s.  


“Please,” Dean replied, nodding as he clung to his angel’s shoulders. “Cas, _fuck_ , fuck, you feel so good. Please!”  


Cas nodded, all but devouring Dean with a passionate kiss, his arm tightly around Dean’s shoulders as he stroked Dean’s cock. “Dean,” the angel rumbled. “I have you, love, my love, my heart.”  


“Cas!” Dean gasped, little tremors running through his body as his angel pushed him closer to the edge.  


_Fuck, fuck I am about to cum with my boyfriend, my **fiance** inside of me and all I want is to feel him cum inside me Jesus fuck who am I who am I-_  


“Cas!” his whole body was thrumming with tension and the intensity in Cas’ face as he watched his angel work so hard to bring him over the edge without hurting him all but robbed him of his breath. _What have I ever done to deserve to be loved like this?_  


“You are so beautiful, Dean,” Cas rasped, the motion of his hand speeding up just slightly. “You are perfect for me and I-” Cas’ kiss was intense and sloppy. “I adore you,” Cas whispered. “Please let me give this to you, please, love, let me make you feel so good and safe and needed and wanted because you _are_ more than I could ever tell you, even if I had the rest of eternity.”  


“Cas,” Dean whispered, the tears beginning to trickle down his face at his partner’s passionate words. “Oh-oh _fuck_ , Cas! I love you. You’re everything to me baby and I-I-oh, oh God, Cas, CAS!”  


“Let it go, Dean,” Cas said. “Let it go, love, I’ve got you, I’ve got you, I swear you are so safe-”  


Anything else Cas may have said was lost in Dean’s wild cry of pleasure as the combination of Cas’ words and his gentle touch and the purposeful movements of his hips sent Dean careening over the edge. His whole body tensed so hard it was almost painful and he heard Cas moaning his name as he tightened around his angel and then he was spasming and shaking and screaming against Cas’ lips. He could feel his cum landing on his chest and belly and he heard Cas’ pleased rumble as the angel talked him down through the aftershocks. It felt like a lifetime passed, but also only a heartbeat and then Dean was collapsing against the pillows, seeing stars.  


He was breathing too hard to speak for awhile, contenting himself with caressing every bit of Cas’ skin that he could reach.  


“Dean?” Cas murmured after several quiet minutes.  


“Hmmm?” Dean managed to reply.  


“Are you all right?” Cas asked, his voice filled with concern.  


Dean nodded, forcing himself to open his eyes and smile at his angel. Cas wiped the tears from his cheeks and kissed him softly, leaning his forehead against Dean’s. “Better than all right,” Dean replied. He blushed. “Whole,” he said against Cas’ lips.  


“My heart,” Cas whispered and for a long time they were still together.  


“Cas?” Dean said quietly, trailing his fingers up and down his partner’s spine.  


“Yes, Dean?” Cas pulled back to look at him, cocking his head in that adorable way that he did.  


“I...you didn’t...you know,” Dean said, blushing as he fumbled with the words.  


“I do not need to,” Cas said with a tender smile. “All that matters to me is that you are happy.”  


Dean gave him a sloppy kiss, loving how Cas moaned as their tongues touched. “What if I need you to?” he asked, his cheeks hot.  


Cas’ eyes were very wide. “Do you?”  


“Yeah,” Dean whispered. “I...I want to feel it, Cas. I want to feel...every part of this.” He could hear that voice in his brain. _Wanting him to do that to you, you fucking_ -and he must have flinched because instantly Cas was framing his face with his hands. 

“Are you sure, love?” Cas asked. “I cannot have you hating yourself because of something I have done. I do not need to have that if it will mean you feel somehow lesser.”  


_How can he be this sweet?_ Dean wondered, looking up into Cas’ eyes. “I’m sure,” he said firmly, as much to himself as Cas. “Please, Castiel. I want to have that with you.”  


Cas took a breath that shook before nodding and beginning to move again. Dean’s eyes rolled back into his head as he clutched his partner, groaning every time Cas’ cock rubbed up against that spot inside of him. Remarkably, he could feel the need coiling up again with every stroke of Cas’ cock, and he knew from Cas’ soft sounds of pleasure that he wasn’t alone. “Cas!” he moaned, one of his hands tangled in his partner’s hair, the other in the small of his back as he pulled Cas into him over and over. Cas was being gentle, so gentle, but Dean could feel their pace rising as the need built in both of them. Little tremors were running through Cas’ body and Dean knew it was because the angel was doing his best not to go too fast for fear of hurting him. “It’s ok,” he moaned into Cas’ ear, loving Cas’ gasp at the touch of his lips. “You can let it go. I trust you, Cas. I trust you, give me everything, baby, it’s ok.”  


“No!” Cas growled, pulling back and looking down at Dean with eyes that shone with joy and need and _heat_. “Dean...I will _not_ hurt you in service of my own pleasure. I won’t. I won’t. I _can’t_. Let me...let me have you my way.”  


What could he possibly say to that?  


Dean nodded and clung to his partner, rolling his hips and matching his angel’s movements. He could feel Cas’ control fraying, but it never broke, and Cas was gentle and methodical as he slowly rocked in and out. It was slow, it was so slow that it was almost agonizing, but Dean would have been just as happy for it to never end but he could feel the tension thrumming through both of them as powerful shivers began to go through Cas’ body.  


“Cas, I’m close,” Dean groaned, almost unable to believe it. It felt different from when Cas stroked him, but it was impossible to mistake the tightness in his belly and the tremors that were running along his legs.  


“Me too,” Cas rasped. “Me too, Dean!”  


“Let it go,” Dean said, clutching Cas’ hair and looking deeply into his eyes. “Let it go, Cas!”  


“Dean!”  


“I’m yours, Cas,” Dean managed to gasp out. “All yours! Please! I need to feel you like this please-”  


“Dean!” Cas moaned his body going still as he shook harder that Dean could ever remember, clearly struggling to maintain control over himself. “I don’t have to cum, I don’t if it’s not I-”  


“It’s ok,” Dean said. “It’s ok, it’s ok, I’m ok and I’m _yours_ , Castiel. Please!”  


“Dean!” Cas’ eyes got huge. “I-I’m-”  


“Me too!” Dean ground out. “Cas!”  


“Dean!” Cas’ hands were tight on Dean’s cheeks as the angel kissed him hard. “I...love-!” he whimpered before Dean’s name ripped from the angel’s throat as his body began to shudder and jerk.  


Dean heard himself scream Cas’ name against his partner’s lips as he followed him over the edge, his cock jerking as the waves of pleasure crested over him. He felt the sudden heat and wetness inside himself and he shivered at the sensation, his brain whirling as Cas gave a final few strokes and collapsed on top of him whispering to him softly.  


“My heart,” Cas said, peppering his lips and cheeks with feather-light kisses. “Thank you for trusting me with that. For being that way with me. For wanting me that way. Thank you, _thank you._ ”  


Dean’s eyes fluttered open and he saw that there were tears streaking down Cas’ face. He knew he was crying too and all he could do was brush Cas’ tears away and hug him close. “Thank you, Cas,” he managed to say through the lump in his throat.  


Cas sniffled and nuzzled into Dean’s neck. “It was ok?” he asked, his voice somewhat muffled by Dean’s throat.  


“No one gets a first time that good,” Dean said, hoping Cas could hear his smile.  


“I did,” Cas said with such sincerity that Dean had to tilt his face up for another kiss. It felt so good to lie there kissing, so unbelievably intimate to feel Cas slowly begin to soften inside of him as they caressed each other and exchanged quiet endearments.  


“I love you,” Cas whispered. “I am so glad that I could make it good for you.”  


“Better than good,” Dean assured him. “I never thought that I-that-” _That you’d enjoy feeling another man_ \- “That I would love it like I did,” he finished quietly, his cheeks warm. _Whatever that says about me._  


“As long as you did,” Cas said, tipping Dean’s chin up. His gorgeous eyes searched Dean’s. “Are you all right?” he asked.  


Dean smiled at him, raising an eyebrow. “I’m a little sore,” he admitted. “In a good way, though.”  


“I will wait a few days before having you again,” Cas said with a playful little smile that went straight to Dean’s spent cock before growing serious again. “But the state of your body isn’t entirely what I meant.”  


Dean sighed, rubbing his angel’s back and loving how Cas leaned into his touch. “I know,” he admitted. “I’m...ok,” he said, relieved it was so. “There are moments, Cas, but on the balance...I’m fucking awesome.” He met his partner’s eyes, smiling.  


Cas returned the smile and then slowly began to ease out of him, both of them letting out quiet hisses as the angel slipped free. There was a beat where Dean realized that Cas was looking down and he blushed as he felt Cas’ cum begin to drip out of him.  


“A little help?” he half-joked, feeling a little self-conscious.  


Cas appeared to shake himself and quickly got a warm, wet towel and cleaned Dean first before attending to himself. “I am sorry,” he said. There was a little quirk to his lips that gave Dean chills.  


“What is it?” Dean asked, propping himself up on his elbows.  


“I feel a surge of...possessiveness,” Cas admitted, going bright red. "Seeing you drip after being one with you."  


Now it was Dean’s turn to flush to his ears. “You drive me fucking crazy, angel,” he growled, pulling Cas in for a kiss.  


“The feeling is mutual,” Cas said, smiling against his lips.  


They kissed for a long time, but somehow not long enough, before Cas pulled the blankets up and covered them both. There was brief jockeying for position before Dean let his angel spoon him with a little disgruntled grumble. Still, he couldn’t deny that the feeling of Cas’ arms around him, especially after what they had just shared, was comforting.  


“Are you happy, Dean?” Cas asked after a few moments of quiet snuggling.  


“Do you really have to ask?” Dean asked, trailing his fingertips over Cas’ arm.  


“I have my suspicions,” Cas said and Dean could hear him smiling. But he knew his angel and he knew that Cas would always worry.  


“I’m happy, Cas,” Dean said, turning and giving Cas a kiss. “In a way that...I-I just didn’t think was possible for me.”  


“Really?” Cas breathed, hugging Dean a little more tightly.  


Dean nodded, closing his eyes and smiling at the feeling of Cas nuzzling into the back of his neck. “Really,” he said. “Thank you for that, for taking such good care of me.”  


“I had a very good teacher,” Cas said.  


“Oh yeah?” Dean teased, smiling. “He good looking?”  


“Very,” Cas replied, flicking his tongue against the outer shell of Dean’s ear and making his cock, spent though it was, give a tired twitch.  


“Better tell him that you’re taken,” Dean grumbled.  


Cas held up his hand, letting the light catch his ring. “Beyonce would be proud,” he said solemnly and after a moment the two of them began to laugh. It felt so good to lie there spent together sharing in the simple joy of a dumb joke that for a moment, it took Dean’s breath away. “Thanks for being you, Cas,” he said when the giggles had subsided.  


Cas kissed his cheek. “It is the only thing I know how to be,” he said.  


Dean turned and looked at him for a moment, taking in Cas’ tousled hair and the shining joy in his stunning eyes. “I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only took 21 chapters for Dean to have his first time! I hope that this flowed for you guys and felt true to character. I really loved writing it and giving these boys time and space to be as sappy and soft as they could be. 
> 
> This is likely going to be my last chapter until early next week at the earliest, mostly because I have plot ideas that I need to outline a little bit. We are going to take a turn for some really dark stuff within the next few chapters, though I think it'll be the chapter after the next one where that starts.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope that you are still enjoying!
> 
> Stay safe out there!  
> All the love,  
> ~SLN


	22. Lord, I was Born a Ramblin' Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets a call from his old friend Sonny, who runs the boys' home in New York. Sonny has a young man who he thinks was the victim of a werewolf attack. Since Sam and Eileen have gone on a trip to Ireland, Dean and Cas get on the road to go help out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of fluff, little bit of smut, little bit of plot. :)
> 
> Chapter title is from "Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brother's Band

Dean kissed the top of Cas’ head as the two of them cuddled on the couch. Cas was playing some game on his phone and Dean was scrolling Reddit when the display on the phone changed to show an incoming call. He answered with a smile. “Sonny! Hey, how you been!”  


“Hey there Dean,” Sonny said. “I’ve been fine. Same ole same ole. But I didn’t call to talk your ear off. I’ll cut to the chase. I could use your help.”  


“You got another ghost?” Dean asked, giving Cas a gentle nudge and sitting up. The angel gave him a questioning look.  


“That’d be easier,” Sonny said. “Nah, the wards have held up just fine. Keep a lot of salt handy, just in case. But Dean, since you were here...I’ve been putting out feelers about the kind of stuff that you hunt. I gotta figure that there are a lot of kids in the system that got there due to things that normal folks don’t wanna know about.”  


“Damn, Sonny,” Dean said, feeling a surge of admiration for the older man. “That’s a hell of a thing that you’re doing on top of what you already do.”  


Sonny grunted and in his mind’s eye, Dean could see his shrug. “It’s the right thing to do,” he said. “Knowing what I know. Anywho, a friend of mine, doctor in the ER in the county hospital over by the Bluestone Wild Forest had a weird case come in. Kid brought in by a local hunter,  
hunter-hunter, not one of you guys found him along the Esopus and fished him out. The kid was almost hypothermic and had a broken femur, totally in shock, babbling about something with glowing green eyes attacking his family while they were camping.”  


“Could be a big cat,” Dean said, frowning. “There’ve been mountain lion sightings out your ways.”  


“Normally I’d agree,” Sonny said. “When you hear hoofbeats think horses, not zebras, right? But...he said something else. Gives me damn nightmares,” Sonny said quietly. “My friend too. That first night he told the night nurse looking in on him: ‘they laughed while they ate their hearts’.”  


“Damn it,” Dean said. “Sounds like werewolves.” He ran his hand through his hair, frowning at the phone. “He say anything else?”  


“Well that’s the thing,” Sonny said. “He clammed up as soon as the shock wore off. Refused to talk to the cops. So...Dawn pulled some strings and got him released to me. He’s a good boy, mostly keeps to himself, but the nightmares...Dean, he wakes the whole house up. And sometimes before he’s all the way awake, he talks about the eyes...and the teeth.” Dean swore he could hear Sonny shudder before continuing. “He needs to talk to someone, someone who gets it, who could maybe help him get some answers better than I can. And I worry that…” he hesitated and his voice got quieter. “I worry that he’s working himself up to going back to those woods.”  


“And hunt the things that killed them,” Dean said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “He’ll get himself killed.”  


“Ayup,” Sonny said. “And I get it, I do. But the kid has no idea what he’s getting into and I’m worried that he’s going to run off and get himself killed. I was hoping that you could come and talk to him. Maybe he’d listen to an actual hunter.”  


“Yeah,” Dean said. “Yeah, man. Of course. I’ll be on the road in two shakes. Should take us about...eighteen hours to get there.”  


“Ah, you bringing that brother of yours?” Sonny asked.  


“Sammy’s in Ireland with his girlfriend,” Dean said, smiling. “I’ll be coming with my partner.” His cheeks flushed as the words slipped so easily from his lips and he caught the happy smile on his angel’s face.  


“Sounds good,” Sonny said. “Thank you, Dean.”  


“Anytime,” Dean replied. He hung up the phone and rose from the couch, stretching. “Up for a road trip?” he asked Cas.  


“I could just fly us there,” Cas said, raising an eyebrow.  


“Save your juice,” Dean said, pulling Cas to his feet and giving his hand a squeeze. “If it is a pack of werewolves...we’re gonna need every edge we can get. Sounds like the kid is settled enough right now. Sonny’ll take care of him.”  


“I suppose that I should go and pack,” Cas said.  


“I think we’ll be mostly plainclothes for this,” Dean said as they walked down to their room. “It sounds like werewolves to me and if it is, I’m gonna be straight with the kid about who we are and what we do. But if we roll up looking like Feds, I think we’re just gonna spook him.”  


“Understood,” Cas said. “I know that my formality can be...off-putting.”  


Dean shot him a smile and together they went back to their room and prepared for the trip. They packed light, and soon they were in Baby headed East.  


Dean enjoyed the companionable silence as they drove away from the setting sun. Cas reached out and put his hand on Dean’s thigh and Dean laced his fingers through the angel’s. He brought Cas’ hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it before resting it back on his thigh.  


“I remember you telling me about Sonny,” Cas said after a couple of hours. “You stayed with him for some time when you were a teenager. When you were caught stealing to feed Sam.”  


Dean glanced over sharply at the angel. “How did you know that?”  


“You told me that you were picked up by police for stealing food,” Cas said. “It was not much of a leap to assume that you did it for your brother. As you have done many things.”  


Dean blushed and squeezed Cas’ hand. “It was my own fault that I had to steal,” he said after a moment. “I got cocky in a card game and lost our money,” he admitted. “That’s why Dad left me there.”  


“You should not have been forced into a parenting role with your brother,” Cas said firmly. “You were a child.”  


Dean shot Cas a little smile. This was well-worn ground for the two of them. “Thanks,” he said.  


Cas smiled back warmly. “You have spoken well of Sonny,” he said. “He was kind to you. I look forward to meeting him.” The angel paused and Dean could feel Cas’ eyes on him. “You called me your partner on the phone,” he said after a moment. “Did you...did you mean as in...Agents Beyonce and Z?” Cas asked.  


Dean reached over and took Cas’ hand. “No,” he said, his throat feeling a little dry. “No, Cas. I meant my partner. My fiance.”  


“Sonny was something of a father figure to you when you needed one,” Cas said softly. “Are you...are you sure that you wish for him to know that you are with a man?”  


“I’m with _you_ ,” Dean said firmly, even though Cas’ words released a whole swarm of butterflies in his belly. He squeezed Cas' hand. “And I’m _proud_ of that.” He was determined not to put Cas through a repeat of the Superstore. If he was honest with himself, he was nervous as hell about introducing Cas to Sonny as his fiance. And he suspected that Cas had hit the nail on his head as to why. But he was going to own it and do his best to be the man that Cas deserved him to be.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered, his voice thick with emotion as he scooted over and leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Dean knew that his angel wasn’t actually sleeping, but the sensation was still a soothing one.  


At least...it _was_ soothing until Cas put his hand back on Dean’s thigh and began to stroke his fingertips in slow circles that moved progressively inwards.  


“Cas!” Dean grunted as the angel’s fingertips brushed over his cock.  


“It is nice to be alone in the car,” Cas mused, giving him a gentle squeeze. “Do you think that you could continue to drive while I take you into my mouth?”  


Dean shuddered and grabbed Cas’ wrist. “I don’t think I should,” he said with a little laugh. “I think we’ll get into a car accident. But there was a sign a little ways back for a rest stop in a few miles. Can you keep it in your pants until then?”  


“It is not my pants you should worry about,” Cas said, his hand going to the button of Dean’s pants and undoing it. The sound of the zipper sliding down gave Dean chills and he heard himself whimper as Cas touched him through his boxers.  


“Fuck, Cas,” Dean hissed.  


“We would need to move to the backseat for that,” Cas mused and Dean shivered.  


The headlights illuminated a sign that said: “Rest Stop 2 Miles. Next Rest Stop 67 Miles.”  


Cas’ breath was warm and wet on his ear. “Do not pull over yet,” he growled.  


“What?” Dean gasped, glancing over at him. “But-”  


“We will pull over at the next one,” Cas said, giving Dean’s cock a gentle squeeze. “I wish to spend some time...exciting you.”  


“Already there, babe,” Dean managed to say. “And I know that you know it.”  


Cas let out a quiet chuff of laughter and kissed his neck. “Not as much as you could be,” he said calmly. “So do not pull over.”  


Dean gripped the steering wheel, moaning as Cas stroked him over his boxers. The rest stop came and went and Dean did his best to focus on the road as Cas teased him. The angel’s hands were gentle as they stroked up and down Dean’s shaft and then lightly brushing over the head of his cock until his boxers were soaked and sticking to him.  


Only then did Cas ease his cock out and then Dean groaned as the angel rubbed his thumb over the wetness on the head of Dean’s cock.  


“Cas!”  


“I love when you are like this,” Cas said.  


“Like...like what?” Dean panted.  


“Desirous,” Cas said. “Your body...alight with need. I love it. And I love that-that…” Even in the dark, Dean could hear his partner blushing.  


“You love that _you’re_ doing it to me,” Dean said and hell yeah it was hot, but it was so very sweet as well. “That you do it _for_ me. That I’m this way for _you_.”  


“Yes, Dean,” Cas whispered. “It is more than I could ever have hoped for.”  


He moaned as Cas leaned down and licked him, twining his free hand through the angel’s hair as Cas began to suck him gently.  


“Cas!” he groaned. “Fuck, Cas!”  


“The sign said we are only ten miles away,” Cas said, his breath hot around Dean’s cock. “Think you can keep from...tipping over the edge until then?”  


“Think you can keep from tipping me over the edge?” Dean said, giving Cas’ hair a little tug.  


The angel moaned around him and Dean tightened his hand on the steering wheel as the sensation thrummed through his body.  


“Ok, Cas, ok, Uncle!” Dean growled. “You win, you got me! But you gotta stop, babe, I don’t want us to have an accident!”  


“Hmmmm,” Cas said, sitting up and using his thumb to wipe his lips in a gesture that was so sexy that Dean’s whole body tensed. “What do I win, Dean?”  


Dean allowed himself a moment to catch his breath, and barely thought about his answer. “Whatever you want, baby,” he managed to say as the headlights illuminated the sign: “Rest Stop: 1 mile. Next Rest Stop: 65 miles”  


“This one?” he asked and heard the note of need in his voice.  


“I don’t know,” Cas said, gently taking him in hand again. “Should I ask you to keep driving?”  


Dean shuddered and felt a thrill go up his spine at Cas’ answering chuckle. “Cas-”  


“Take the exit, Dean,” Cas said quietly.  


The angel didn’t have to ask him twice and soon Dean was pulling off into the deserted rest area, tucking the Impala back amidst some low-hanging trees. He’d scarcely put the car in park before Cas was tugging him across the bench and into his arms. It was awkward, they were too tall, but it didn’t matter when Cas wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and clung to him, grinding against him as they kissed.  


“You feel so good, Dean,” Cas moaned, working his hips in a tight circle.  


“So do you, Cas,” Dean replied, cupping the angel’s ass and pulling him against himself. He gasped when Cas reached between them and took hold of his cock, stroking it hard and fast as Cas rocked in his lap.  


“Dean...I want to feel you,” Cas groaned, his hand tightening.  


“Fuck, Cas!” Dean growled, giving his angel a hungry kiss. “I want you too, baby,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas’.  


“You could take me here,” Cas breathed and Dean suddenly found himself robbed of breath. “There is no one around and I have packed lubrication.”  


_Sweet merciful fuck_ , Dean thought, giving his angel a hard kiss. “Cas…” he managed to whisper. “I don’t want to make you feel-”  


“Desired?” Cas growled, nipping his ear. “Like you cannot help but have me?” He pulled back a little and the distant glow of the streetlight illuminated his smile. “That does not sound so bad to me.”  


“Cas,” Dean whispered, yanking Cas in for a kiss. “Fuck, you drive me crazy.”  


“That has been my goal, yes,” Cas said.  


“Mission accomplished, baby,” Dean said. “I’m crazy for you.”  


“Can we do something about it?” Cas asked, his voice breathy and needy. “Please? It would help us both concentrate, Dean,” Cas said, nipping his ear.  


“Castiel,” Dean said, kissing Cas and forcing himself to keep it gentle, trying to deescalate the wild need that he could feel within himself. “Baby, I’m not going to fuck you at a rest stop.”  


Cas grumbled, the motion of his hips slowing as he pulled back and looked at Dean inquisitively. “Even if I want you to?” Cas asked softly.  


Dean cupped his cheek, smiling at him and taking a moment to choose his words. “It isn’t that I don’t _want_ to,” he said. “So get that idea out of your head right now. I _do_ want to. But Cas...we haven’t really done the whole...quickie thing. Not with sex.”  


“There is a first time for everything,” Cas said, turning his head and kissing Dean’s palm.  


Dean chuckled and took hold of Cas’ chin, turning him for a kiss. “If you want to have a quickie, we can do it when we get to the hotel,” Dean said. “When it can end up _not_ being a quickie.”  


Cas frowned, cocking his head. “I don’t understand.”  


Dean sighed and rubbed the angel’s back, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “Cas...you and I...we haven’t-” he blushed. “We haven’t ‘had sex’. We haven’t ‘fucked’.”  


Now Cas looked extremely confused. “I...then what...what was it that we were doing when we made love?” he asked.  


“That’s just it,” Dean said, blushing as he struggled to clarify. “We’ve been making love, Cas. We’ve been taking it slow and sweet and it’s been _perfect_ ,” he hurried to add. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t think I _could_ have done it any other way. But what you and I have been doing...it’s not…” he paused, trying to find the right words. “It’s not the Pizza Man,” he blurted. “It’s not ‘Casa Erotica’. We haven’t...it hasn’t been like _that_ between us yet, Cas, and I don’t want the first time it is to be in some rest stop in Indiana where the state police could roll up on us at any minute, or some mom and her minivan with her rugrats, or some trucker who’s gonna film it and put it on YouTube.” He gave Cas a soft kiss, hoping it would drive his point home. “I don’t want it to be somewhere we don’t have space to process it,” he said. “Because it’s gonna hit different.”  


Cas was silent for a moment, his gorgeous eyes searching Dean’s. “I think that I understand,” he said. “Just as it is different when you take me into your mouth, versus when-” his voice grew a little rough. “When I tell you to kneel and do so. The act is the same but the...feelings are different.”  


Dean felt his cheeks warming with a blush. “Yeah,” he said against Cas’ lips. “Exactly like that. I just don’t want us to do something like this when we could get caught at any time and have to rush out of here.” He gave Cas a crooked smile. “Not saying that can’t be fun,” he said with a wry laugh. “Not saying I’m against getting down that way. I just don’t want to jump into it when we’ve still got eight hours of driving, a ‘Big Talk’ with an angry teenager, and a pack of werewolves to deal with and we’ve never done something like that before.”  


“I understand,” Cas said, rubbing his nose against Dean’s in a sweet gesture that eased Dean’s worry that he was somehow making a hash of this conversation. “You are, as always, looking out for me. For us.”  


“I try,” Dean said, catching Cas’ lips with his own and giving his partner a tender kiss. The kiss lingered and began to grow heated as Cas resumed the motions of his hips against Dean. Soon they were grinding against each other like horny teenagers and Dean was deeply aware of his achingly hard cock as Cas broke the kiss and gave him a look.  


“Does that mean that you will not let me bring you to fruition here?” Cas asked before catching Dean’s lower lip between his teeth and giving a gentle tug. “I _have_ taken you into my mouth quickly before.”  


“Cas,” Dean said raggedly as the angel grinned at him. “You are-”  


“Incorrigible?” Cas asked, wriggling out of Dean’s lap and reaching for his cock. He leaned down, his breath hot and licked the head of Dean’s cock. “Insatiable?” He sucked Dean into his mouth and Dean let his head fall back onto the back of the seat with a moan.  


“Cas!”  


Cas pulled up, his lips tight around the shaft of Dean’s cock, making him hiss with need. The angel let him slip from his mouth. “Should I stop?” Cas asked.  


Dean glanced around. It was dark. They were in the far corner of the parking lot, well away from the bathrooms and vending machines. No one was around. And if someone turned up, it would be reasonably easy to extricate themselves from each other. Dean swallowed hard. “No,” he whispered. “Don’t stop, Cas.”  


Even in the dark Dean still caught the heat in Cas’ triumphant expression. He didn’t have time to contemplate it, however, because Cas took him at his word and slurped down around him hard and fast. Dean cried out louder than he intended, feeling the immediate rush of adrenaline as he looked around the deserted parking lot. But there was no one around, so he closed his eyes, tangled his hand in Cas’ hair and gave himself over to the sensations. No one knew how to touch him like Cas did, and it didn’t take the angel long to have Dean gripping the back of the seat with his free hand as harsh moans escaped his lips.  


“Fuck, you feel so good!” Dean gasped as Cas took him into his throat. “Cas! Fuck, baby, I’m close!”  


Cas made a pleased sound around him and redoubled his efforts and before long Dean’s back was arching away from the seat as he gasped his partner’s name. Cas moaned around him, his hand tightening on Dean’s thigh, and then Dean was overwhelmed as his body grew abruptly rigid and then began to spasm as the intensity of his orgasm overwhelmed him. He yelled Cas’ name, heedless of who might hear them, and his heart was pounding in his ears when he finally came back to himself.  


“Cas,” he breathed, stroking his fingers through his partner’s hair.  


Cas sat up and held his eyes as he swallowed, making Dean growl with need as he jerked the angel in for a kiss. He could taste himself on Cas’ tongue and it sent a thrill through him that the dark part of his brain immediately tried to twist into something bad. 

_You just let your boyfriend suck you off in the front seat of the Impala. You just had a man suck you off in your car. Dad would fucking kill both of you._  


_I’ve done a lot weirder with women in this car_ , Dean told himself sternly. _I did something fun and intimate with my partner. There’s nothing wrong with that_. He forced that part of his mind down and concentrated on kissing Cas hard, folding him into his arms and holding him close.  


“You are so good to me,” he whispered against Cas’ lips. “You drive me crazy, Castiel.”  


He could feel Cas’ smile against his lips, and he loved how quickly it turned into a gasp as he reached out and began to stroke Cas over his pants.  


“Dean!” Cas whispered.  


Dean was about to respond when he heard the rumble of an engine and the inside of the car was illuminated by a set of headlights.  


“Shit,” Dean grumbled, as an eighteen-wheeler rolled into the lot. He gave Cas a last kiss and pulled back, glancing back at the truck. He saw a heavyset man climb down from the cab and head towards the mens room without so much as a glance in their direction.  


Dean turned back to Cas with a grin, giving the angel a rough kiss as he popped open the button on Cas’ pants. “Better be quick,” he said.  


Cas’ eyes widened. “Dean, you don’t-”  


Dean eased Cas’ cock out and began to stroke him, the thrill of potential discovery running along his spine. He didn’t think that the trucker would be inclined to come and check out the car, but still. “I’ve got you,” he said to Cas.  


“But the trucker-”  


“Guess you’ll have to be quiet for once,” Dean teased, giving the top half of Cas’ cock a few quick strokes.  


“You-you’re one to talk!” Cas gasped and Dean chuckled, stroking him faster as he leaned in and nipped his angel’s neck.  


He felt the shudder go through Cas’ body and continued to lick and suck at his angel’s neck, murmuring softly to him when he caught the angel’s earlobe in his teeth. “Focus, Cas,” he growled, knowing that his angel loved when he pitched his voice low. “Focus on how it feels when I touch you.”  


“I can’t focus on anything else,” Cas whimpered. “Dean, please!”  


Dean grinned. “Trust me, angel,” he said, giving Cas’ neck a wet kiss before leaning down and sucking Cas into his mouth hard.  


Cas cried out and Dean stopped immediately, pulling up and giving Cas a look.  


He felt Cas shudder and loved the plaintive whimper that left his partner’s lips. “Quiet!” Cas whimpered. “I know, I know, I’m sorry, I just-”  


But Dean didn’t give him a chance to finish, slurping back down to Cas’ cock and sucking him as hard and fast as he could. Cas’ soft, muffled sounds of need were as sexy as when the angel cried out his name and when Dean glanced up at his partner, he saw that Cas had his hand over his own mouth. Dean heard himself let out a low growl around Cas cock as he focused his attention on the top half of Cas’ cock. _Fuck, he’s so sexy_ , he thought as he felt Cas’ hand resting lightly on the back of his head.  


He heard Cas’ muffled “Dean!” and then the angel abruptly went still before his hips began to rock hard. He came with a muffled cry, his hand tightening almost painfully on the back of Dean’s hair as Dean sucked him through his orgasm. He loved Cas’ soft little laugh and breathless whisper of: “No more.”  


Dean sat up, swallowing and catching the heated way Cas looked at him. The angel pulled him in for a kiss, moaning against his lips. “I love you,” Cas said softly, leaning his forehead against Dean’s.  


“I love you too,” Dean said. They shared another long, soft kiss before Dean pulled back a little regretfully. He tucked himself back into his pants and watched Cas do the same before slinging his arm over the angel’s shoulders and tugging him against himself. Cas leaned his head on Dean’s shoulder with a happy sigh as Dean started the car and pulled back onto the highway. “Feeling better?” Dean teased, kissing the top of Cas’ head.  


Cas laughed quietly and tilted his head up, kissing Dean’s cheek. “I could ask you the same thing.”  


“You always make me feel good,” Dean said, tightening his arm around the angel’s shoulder. “That...that was ok, right?” he asked after a few minutes. “It didn’t make you feel-”  


“It did not make me feel anything but sated, Dean,” Cas said, his voice adorably soft and sleepy the way he often was afterwards. The angel paused. “And excited,” he said.  


“Exhibitionist streak, Castiel?” Dean asked, grinning.  


“No more than you, Dean,” Cas replied and Dean could hear the smile in his partner’s voice. “Truly though, I am fine. You worry too much about me.”  


Dean snorted, giving Cas another squeeze. “Cas...I _care_ about you,” he said, his cheeks warming. “I care how I make you feel.”  


“Happy,” Cas said immediately. “And needed. And...amorous.”  


Dean’s heart filled with warmth even as he chuckled at Cas’ word choice. “You can just say 'horny',” he teased gently, leaning his cheek against the top of Cas’ head.  


“I am not a goat,” Cas said with that tone that made Dean roll his eyes, just as he knew it was meant to.  


“You should get some rest,” Dean said, hoping that Cas could hear the affection in his voice.  


“You know that I do not require sleep,” Cas said, even as he snuggled against Dean’s side with a happy murmur. “I do not want you to be lonely.”  


“I’ve got you with me,” Dean said. “I’m good, Cas. I promise.”  


“If you are sure,” Cas said, sighing. “I would not mind resting for awhile.”  


“I'm sure,” Dean said, brushing his lips over Cas’ hair. "G’night, baby. Love you."  


“Goodnight, Dean,” Cas said. "I love you, too."  


They drove for most of the night that way until the first rays of sun began to show over the horizon and it was time to stop and gas up the car. Cas remained still against his side as Dean pulled up to the pump. He knew the angel wasn’t sleeping exactly, but more in an odd state of suspended animation where he would simply zone out for awhile.  


“C’mon sunshine,” Dean said, nudging him.  


Cas sat up with a soft, sleepy smile and squinted at the rising sun. “Why don’t you let me drive the rest of the way?” he said. “You could use a break.”  


“Cup of coffee and I’ll be fine,” Dean argued playfully, pulling Cas in for a kiss before climbing out of the car.  


Cas met him on his side of the car faster than he had any right to, abruptly getting into his space. “Give me the keys, Dean,” Cas said in _that_ voice.  


Dean’s breath caught in his throat as Cas crowded him against the side of the car, his cool fingers sliding down the inside of Dean’s wrist as his lips brushed over Dean’s jaw.  


“The keys,” Cas rumbled, kissing the corner of Dean’s lips.  


Dean swallowed hard, feeling his cock begin to harden at Cas’ proximity and the angel’s soft orders. Wordlessly he did as Cas bade, dropping the keys into Cas’ hand and shivering when Cas’ lips found his.  


“Thank you,” Cas murmured into the kiss. He stepped back with a smile and they went hand and hand into the minimart, stocking up on some coffee and snacks. True to his word, when they finished pumping gas and got back into the car, Cas slid into the driver’s seat. Dean grumbled about it, but Cas only smiled, turned on the radio, and pulled out of the gas station. “Why don’t you get some sleep,” Cas said after Dean was suitably filled with coffee and the extremely greasy breakfast sandwich he’d gotten at the minimart. “The phone says we are about eight hours out from Sonny’s home, you may as well rest.”  


“I’ve had coffee,” Dean said, just to be stubborn and get a rise out of Cas.  


Cas glanced over at him, raising an eyebrow. “Are you saying that you are not tired?”  


Dean was about to argue, but even as he did he found himself stifling a yawn.  


“Thought so,” Cas said, his lips curling into a smile.  


“No one likes a smug angel,” Dean said, leaning over and putting his head on Cas’ shoulder.  


“Except you,” Cas said, kissing the top of his head.  


“Yeah yeah,” Dean said, smiling as he closed his eyes. “You’re not going to get us lost are you?” Dean teased, even as he felt sleep trying to pull him under.  


“My phone will make sure that I do not,” Cas said. “Sleep, Dean. I will keep us safe.”  


It was such a simple statement, but it was so cute that Dean found himself smiling. “Thanks, Cas,” he murmured sleepily.  


“Of course, Dean,” Cas said and Dean could hear him smiling. “I love you. Sleep well.”  


“Love you too,” Dean said with a yawn. He felt Cas’ arm go around him, tugging him more firmly against the angel’s side. Cas’ touch and the low rumble of the Impala’s engine lulled him quickly to sleep and his last thought before sleep finally claimed him was that it didn’t matter where he went, because as long as he had Cas, he was home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think next chapter is going to be on the slightly longer side, so it might be a bit before it comes out. Hopefully it won't take me TOO long. We're going to deal with some darker themes in the next few chapters, though we won't get to the really rough stuff until Chapter 24. I hope that you enjoyed this chapter, even if it was a little bit on the shorter, simpler side. 
> 
> Stay safe and well, and thank you for sticking with me and reading this far!
> 
> All the love,  
> ~SLN


	23. Don't be Scared, Just be Prepared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas go to Sonny's Home for Boys to meet the young man who was attacked by werewolves. They are able to get him to talk and learn that they are walking into a situation that is a little more dicey than they had previously believed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from: "I Know Things Now" from Into the Woods.
> 
> Dresden Files belongs to Jim Butcher
> 
> "J-Squared" belongs to the SPN writers, I just thought it would be a fun nod to "The French Mistake". :P

“Dean?”  


Dean sat up blinking and wincing as his body protested the movement. “Ugh, my neck,” he grumbled, rubbing it. _Man, I'm getting old._  


“You have been asleep for some time,” Cas said, reaching over and massaging his neck for him. “We have arrived.”  


Dean glanced up and found himself smiling at the sight of the familiar house. “You could have woken me sooner,” he said as they opened the doors and stepped out of the car.  


“You were very peaceful,” Cas said with a soft smile as they climbed the steps to the wraparound porch.  


Dean caught motion out of the corner of his eye and saw Cas reaching for his hand. The angel paused halfway through the gesture and was letting his hand drop when Dean grabbed it and laced their fingers together. His heart had begun to beat hard, but the raw hope in Cas’ eyes was too much to ignore.  


“Dean?”  


Dean squeezed his hand as they approached the door and was raising his free one to knock when the door swung open.  


“I thought I heard that old car of yours!” Sonny said, grinning at him. His eyes flicked to where Dean and Cas’ hands were intertwined for a second before he pulled Dean into a firm hug.  


“Thanks for coming, Dean,” Sonny said, pulling back with his hands on Dean’s shoulders. “I’m grateful for the help.” He glanced over at Cas. “This the partner you mentioned?”  


“Yeah,” Dean said, his voice rough. “Yeah, Sonny, this is Castiel.”  


Sonny held out his hand to Cas. “Welcome,” he said gruffly. “Sonny Gibbons.”  


Cas took his hand and shook it. “It is good to meet you,” he said. “I am grateful for all you did for Dean. He has spoken very well of you.”  


“That’s kind of you to say,” Sonny said, smiling. “I’m glad that I wasn’t too hard on the boy.” He raised a thick eyebrow. “So...just...Castiel? Are you a rock star or something?”  


“I am an Angel of the Lord,” Cas said.  


“Is he serious?” Sonny asked, glancing over at Dean. “Like...an _Angel?_ From the Bible?”  


“It’s not what you think,” Dean said. “Not so much clouds and harps. More like blood and giant poles rammed so far up their-”  


Cas cleared his throat and Dean trailed off, giving him an apologetic look.  


“Anyway,” Dean said. “Where’s the kid? What did you say his name was?”  


“He’s in his room,” Sonny said. “And he didn’t say. That leg is making it tough for him. He’s a fit kid, he’s clearly used to being pretty active.”  


“I can heal him,” Cas said and Sonny let out an appreciative whistle.  


“That would be a hell of a thing,” Sonny said. “I know he’d be grateful. Heck, I’d be grateful.”  


“Cas,” Dean said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “Kid just saw a bunch of people get slaughtered, now’s not the time for him to find out that there is actually a higher power. It’ll just make him angry. Finding out that there are monsters is going to be enough.” He frowned. “Honestly, Cas...I’m not sure it’s even the right move for you to heal him right now.”  


Cas stared at him for a beat, frowning. “Why not?” he asked.  


“I don’t want him trying to follow us out into the woods,” Dean said.  


“You said that he broke his femur?” Cas said and Sonny nodded. “If he is still growing, that kind of injury would be detrimental to his long-term health. We can’t just leave it.”  


Dean blinked at the angel, surprised at the resistance. “Cas...I’m not saying that we leave it forever,” he said. “Just until we find the werewolves and get rid of them.”  


“I believe that you can persuade him not to go,” Cas said. “Without me leaving him unable to do so.”  


The angel’s simple faith in him warmed him as it always did, but Dean shook his head. “Cas, look, you don’t know what it’s like to be an angry teenager, all right? If this were me and Sammy, a broken femur is probably the _only_ thing that would have kept me out of those woods.”  


“Dean-”  


“Let’s go meet the kid,” Dean said, not wanting to argue. If Cas really wanted to debate with him, they could do it later.  


Sonny looked back and forth between them for a moment before nodding and leading them up the stairs. He rapped on a door to the right of the stairs that Dean knew was scarcely more than a little closet with a window.  


“Come in,” said a deep voice.  


Sonny opened the door and when the young man came into view, Dean winced. The kid’s was covered in bruises that were livid, even against his dark skin, and one of his brown eyes was swollen shut. He was sitting in the desk chair with his leg covered in a full cast propped up on his bed. On the desk in front of him there was a composition notebook that he hurried to close. The cautious smile that had been on his face when the door opened disappeared into a shuttered expression the second he saw Dean and Cas.  


“Who are they?” he asked Sonny.  


“Friends,” Sonny said.  


“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone about me, Sonny,” the kid said.  


Sonny sighed. “Buddy, I’ve done everything that I can to meet you halfway. But I don’t even know your name. And I think that these guys can help you.”  


The kid snorted. “No one can help me,” he said dully.  


“We got it from here, Sonny,” Dean said. “Can you give us a sec?”  


“That ok?” Sonny asked the kid.  


The young man nodded and Sonny stepped out, shutting the door behind himself.  


“Will you tell us your name?” Cas asked, sitting down next to the kid’s leg and giving him that soulful cock of the head that only he could do. “I am Castiel. This is my partner, Dean.”  


The kid raised a dark eyebrow. “Y'all feds?”  


Cas gestured down to the flannel shirt that Dean had convinced him to wear instead of his usual tie and trenchcoat. “Do I look like a Fed?”  


“Yup,” the kid said and Dean couldn’t help but snort.  


Cas looked both wounded and confused and the kid let out a wry chuckle. “For a Fed you got a pretty bad poker face,” he said.  


“That’s what Dean says,” Cas replied, glancing in his direction. Dean grinned at him and shrugged.  


“Castiel,” the kid continued. “Your momma Amish or something?”  


“Or something,” Cas said, the corner of his lips twitching upwards.  


The kid was quiet for a moment, then took a deep breath. “Lamarcus,” he said.  


“It is nice to meet you, Lamarcus,” Cas said.  


Lamarcus inclined his head, and while some of the tension in the room had lifted, there was still something wary in the young man’s expression. “Sure,” he said. “So...why did Sonny bring you here?”  


“We want to talk about what happened to you,” Dean said, sitting next to Cas. “About what attacked you.”  


Lamarcus went very still, his hands clenching into fists on his thighs. “No,” he said. “You won’t believe me anyway.”  


“Why don’t you try us?” Dean said.  


“So you can cart me off to the nuthouse?” Lamarcus retorted. “Nah, man, I’m not biting.”  


“You said you saw things with glowing green eyes,” Cas said and Dean suppressed the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose. He wasn’t sure that plowing ahead with what Lamarcus had said in the hospital was the best play, but what was done was done. “That they ‘laughed while they ate their hearts’.”  


“Sonny wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that,” Lamarcus said, looking away. “I was in shock. Hypothermic from the river. Seeing things.”  


“See,” Dean said, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. “I don’t think you were, Lamarcus. I think that you got attacked by werewolves.”  


Lamarcus let out a sharp, shocked bark of laughter, but rapidly grew serious when Dean and Cas did not join in the laughter. “Maybe you should be the one going to the nuthouse,” he muttered. “Werewolves? Fucking werewolves? What is this? Dresden Files?”  


“Fewer fairies,” Dean said.  


Lamarcus blinked at him, then shook his head. “Nah,” he said. “Sorry guys, but I don’t buy it. That shit isn’t real.”  


“You were badly wounded in your encounter with the werewolves,” Cas said. “Your femur broken, several bruised ribs, lacerations, a sprained wrist, and a minor concussion.”  


“You steal my medical file or something?” Lamarcus asked, his eyes widening.  


Cas shook his head. “You are in a great deal of pain.”  


“I’ve had worse,” the kid lied immediately.  


“Would you like it to stop?” Cas asked.  


“Cas-”  


“I’m clean, man,” Lamarcus said. “I don’t do drugs, so you can keep whatever you’re selling-”  


“Give me your hand,” Cas said.  


“Cas-”  


“Dean,” Cas said. “It was not the full moon when Lamarcus was attacked. That means we are dealing with pureblood werewolves. If they attacked so brazenly, then it is imperative that we stop them. We do not have time to waste.” He turned back to Lamarcus, his eyes as intent as an eagle that has spotted a salmon beneath the water. “Give me your hand,” he repeated. “Please.”  


“Cas, I don’t think-”  


“Dean,” Cas interrupted, giving him a look. “Please trust me.” He stretched his hand out to Lamarcus, who eyed it like it might bite.  


Dean subsided, despite his misgivings, and watched as the young man obviously wrestled with himself. His curiosity appeared to win out, because he reached out and tentatively lay his hand on top of Cas’. Cas clasped it briefly and even though Dean knew what was going to happen, there was always a little bit of wonder when the Seraph healed someone. Lamarcus’ bruises faded away and when Cas gave it a tap, the cast fell in two pieces on the floor with a clatter.  


“What the actual fuck?” Lamarcus gasped, tentatively touching his face and then his leg. He rose, leaning heavily on the desk while he gingerly put weight on his leg. When it held him he let out a shocked little huff of air before sitting heavily back in the chair. “How did you do that?” he asked Cas, his eyes huge.  


“I am a-”  


“Wizard,” Dean said, glancing at Cas. “Turns out Jim Butcher got a lot more right than he got wrong.”  


“And you...you help people?” Lamarcus asked. “Like Dresden?”  


“Yes,” Cas said, nodding slowly.  


Lamarcus rounded on Dean. “Are you a wizard too?” he asked.  


“He is more like Karin Murphey,” Cas responded before Dean could and in that moment Dean almost objected before pausing. Murph was awesome. He’d definitely been compared to worse. “He is a human who hunts evil things.”  


“No shit,” Lamarcus said, and he sounded impressed. “Murphey is tough as hell.” He took a shuddering breath, looking back and forth between them. “You guys were really serious about that werewolf stuff?”  


“As a heart attack,” Dean said. “So why don’t you tell us what happened so that we can go and take care of it.”  


“Wait!” Lamarcus said, sitting forward slightly with a wince. “You can’t go after them!”  


Dean and Cas glanced at each other and then looked back at Lamarcus, who looked horrified. “Why not?” Dean asked, doing his best to keep his voice even. “What aren’t you telling us?”  


Lamarcus went silent, looking away from them for a long minute. Then he looked back at Cas. “You got a phone?” he asked.  


Cas nodded and pulled his out, wordlessly unlocking it and handing it to the young man.  


Lamarcus tapped the screen a few times and then typed something. He scrolled for a moment and then clicked, before turning the phone to face them.  


A young man with golden blond hair and brilliant blue eyes grinned at them from the screen, his arm slung easily around the shoulders of a smiling Lamarcus. They were both wearing San Diego Comic Con badges and the blond man was holding a lightsaber with his free hand. “That’s my older brother,” Lamarcus said before turning the phone back around and staring sadly down at the picture. “Jonaten.” He looked at the phone for a moment longer before meeting Dean’s eyes. “Before you ask who was adopted, Mom was widowed,” he said a little defensively. “By Jonaten’s dad. She married my dad when Jon was five. He’s my brother and he-he…” he swallowed hard. “They _took_ him,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. “I should have fought harder,” he said miserably.  


“Why don’t you tell us the whole story,” Cas said gently. “So that we can figure out how best to help your brother.”  


Lamarcus didn’t answer right away, instead staring down at Cas’ phone, his eyes beginning to glisten. He swiped angrily at them and then nodded. “There were eight of us,” he said. “It was Jon’s bachelor party. He and his partner Jorge -- we call ‘em ‘J-Squared’ -- were supposed to be getting married next month.” He shook his head. “Jorge’s like another brother,” he said quietly. “He’s always been so damn nice to me and I-I let them down.” His voice broke at the end and he buried his face in his hands.  


“Easy,” Dean said. “Keep going, Lamarcus, tell us what happened.”  


The young man made a visible effort to compose himself, but there were tears in his eyes when he looked back up. “We were going mountain biking out in the Bluestone Wild Forest,” he said. “It had been an awesome day. We decided to do one last trail before heading back and getting cleaned up for dinner. We were going and then we heard my brother’s friend Garrett let out this awful scream. We stopped, and that’s when I saw... _them_.”  


He shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself. “There were four of them and they had Garrett on the ground and his chest-his _chest_.” His eyes found Dean’s. “You know ‘Alien’?” he asked, his voice ragged. “The Chestburster?”  


Dean nodded.  


“It looked like that,” Lamarcus whispered. “His chest was just... _open_. And the oldest dude was holding Garrett’s heart and laughing and then he-he just...took a bite. Like it was a fucking _apple_ or something and then Jon was telling me to go and so I started peddling as fast as I could but I could hear them chasing us. Laughing. Howling. And then I heard Connor start screaming and Jon was hollering for me to go as fast as I could, but his voice was farther back and I looked over my shoulder because I couldn’t just _leave_ him, and it was _stupid_ because I was going way too fast not to be looking and I fucking crashed. And they-” Lamarcus put his face in his hands, his shoulders beginning to shake. “They stopped. The rest of them. To help me because my leg was fucking broken and if I’d just _listened_... If I’d just kept going...maybe they wouldn’t have caught us.”  


“They would have,” Cas said right away, and Lamarcus’ head jerked up as the young man met Cas’ eyes.  


“You can’t know that,” Lamarcus said.  


“I can,” Cas said, giving him a sympathetic look. “Purebred werewolves are extremely fast. Especially in territory with which they are familiar. They would have caught you. They were toying with you.”  


“Really?” Lamarcus asked, his voice quiet. There was such raw hope on his face that he suddenly looked very, very young.  


“Really,” Cas said. “Can you tell us what happened next?”  


Lamarcus closed his eyes, nodding. “They surrounded us,” he said, picking at his nails as he stared at a spot on the wall between Dean and Cas. “I could see their eyes...glowing. Jon he-he and Jorge, they got between the rest of us and them. Asked what they wanted. And the older guy he comes out of the woods, his face all bloody, and said that we’d last them a few months if they took care of us right.”  


Dean felt a chill go through him. Keeping human captives as a food source. That a little more long-term planning than he usually expected to see from werewolves.  


“So how did you escape?” Cas asked.  


“I...I didn’t,” Lamarcus said in the tone of someone making an extremely hard confession. “Jon and Jorge and the others they-they begged them to let me go. Jon kept saying: ‘He’s only sixteen, he’s only sixteen, please don’t hurt him’.” Lamarcus finally met Dean’s eyes and his heart broke at the pain and guilt scrawled over the kid’s face. “The older guy took my wallet and checked my ID. My Learner’s Permit. And there was a girl with them, about Jon’s age I guess, and she was like: ‘Carter, come on. We don’t kill kids.’ And the guy he-he got really close to me and he pulled out a badge. Fucking State Police. And as if that wasn't enough to give me fucking pause...he told me that if he saw my name show up in any police reports, that he would...he would _turn_ me and make me eat Jon’s heart.” Lamarcus shook his head. “They took them away then and they-they threw me in the river. I think they figured I’d die from shock or something, but I’m on the swim team at school.” There was the determination of a much older man on his face. “I _had_ to make it back,” he said. “I had to. But then I got to the hospital and I-I couldn’t _say_ anything. And how the fuck was I supposed to know where to ask for help? Hogwarts?” He swallowed hard. “I didn’t know that wizards were actually real,” he said and Dean felt a pang of guilt at the lie they had told the young man. He caught Cas giving him a look and did his best to ignore it. “Wait,” Lamarcus said and Dean managed not to groan. He knew that look. “You’re talking about going after them...that means they can be killed. Silver bullets? Like the movies?”  


Cas nodded. “That is one way,” he said. “There are others.”  


“I can shoot a gun,” Lamarcus said excitedly. “Dad was in the Army. He insisted we know firearm safety. I can help! I can help you rescue Jon!”  


“No,” Dean said right away. “It’s too dangerous, Lamarcus.”  


“You don’t even know where we were,” Lamarcus replied right away. “And the wild area is huge and borders on the Catskills. Just let me help! I promise that I’ll do exactly what you say.”  


“You’re just a kid,” Dean said.  


“He’s older than you were when you started Hunting, Dean,” Cas said and Dean gritted his teeth.  


“And you always said that was wrong,” Dean retorted. “That I should have been allowed to be a kid.”  


“His father is not _forcing_ him into the life,” Cas said with a little heat. “He is _choosing_ it because he’s seen the other side of the veil, Dean. He knows that there is more to the world than he thought there was.”  


“I’m right here, guys,” Lamarcus said.  


Dean took a deep breath. “Lamarcus-”  


“Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid,” Lamarcus said, his jaw set in a stubborn line. “How many kids you know that have seen a werewolf eat someone’s heart?”  


“More than you’d think,” Dean said grimly. “That’s how people become Hunters.” He sighed and massaged his temples. Part of him wanted to tell Cas to mojo Lamarcus asleep and get the location information from the kid’s head while he was at it. But Cas wasn’t wrong that Dean had started younger than Lamarcus was now.  


But he didn’t _want_ that for anyone else.  


Then again, as he looked into Lamarcus’ eyes, it wasn’t like he could choose for the young man either. Lamarcus was decidedly _in_ it now, whether he liked it or not.  


“Look,” Dean said, deciding that he was just going to be straight with Lamarcus and see where that led. “Man to man, Lamarcus, I have a little brother, Sam. And if he was your age and some Hunters brought him to find me if I got captured by werewolves...I’d have wanted to kill them for putting him in that kind of danger. Can you tell me that if we show up there, Jon’ll be happy to see you?”  


Lamarcus looked like he wanted to respond, but paused and looked down. “He’d be pissed,” he admitted. “So would Jorge. But I can’t _leave_ them there!” he said, looking desperate. “I can’t. They protected me and I _have_ to save them or I’ll never forgive myself!”  


"Will you forgive yourself if your inexperience ends up being a liability that costs your brothers their lives?" Cas asked and Dean shot him a look. The angel wasn't wrong, and Lamarcus _had_ asked them not to treat him like a kid. Still, he felt a twinge of guilt at the pain on Lamarcus' face as the young man looked up at them. 

"No," Lamarcus whispered. "But they're my _brothers_." 

“They protected you _because_ they are your big brothers,” Dean said. “And that’s what big brothers do. The best way you can help us is by telling us where you were and letting us go after them.”  


Lamarcus was silent for a long few minutes, clearly wrestling with himself. “Do you promise to bring them back safe?” he asked in a rough voice.  


“No,” Dean said right away and saw the kid wince. “You asked me not to treat you like a kid,” he said firmly. “So I’m not going to bullshit you. No, I can’t promise that, Lamarcus. But I can promise that I-that _we_ are going to do everything we can. And you can help. Tell us where you were, tell us the trail you were using. Tell us roughly where you think you went into the river. All of that is going to give us an edge.”  


Lamarcus hesitated only a moment longer before reaching out and grabbing the composition notebook. He opened it to the page held by a pen and Dean felt his eyes widen. The kid had taken notes. Sammy-style serial killer crazy detailed notes. It had everything, a map of the trails with one highlighted, descriptions of the werewolves. The name of the werewolf leader with a description of him and the female werewolf that had spoken up for Lamarcus. Detailed descriptions of the people he’d been with, with “DEAD” written over two of the names in red pen.  


“You have worked very hard on this,” Cas said quietly.  


“I didn’t want to forget anything,” Lamarcus said. “In case I found someone who could help.”  


“This is awesome, Lamarcus,” Dean said and didn’t have to fake his enthusiasm. “This will save us probably _days_ of research that we can now spend gearing up and getting into the woods.”  


“Are you sure I can’t go?” Lamarcus asked. “I want to help.”  


“If we are worrying about protecting you, our attention will not be as focused on finding your brother as it could be,” Cas said gently, but firmly.  


Dean held up the journal. “Besides,” he said. “You’ve already helped.”  


Lamarcus nodded, but the poor kid looked miserable. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead let out a huge yawn.  


“When is the last time you slept?” Cas asked him, frowning.  


Lamarcus’ eyes darted to the side. “It’s been a minute,” he admitted.  


“It has been longer than a minute,” Cas said, cocking his head. “We have been here the whole time.”  


“I-” Lamarcus glanced at Dean. “Is he joking or does he just not get it?”  


“Idioms aren’t his strong suit,” Dean said, unable to keep the note of amusement out of his voice. “He means awhile, Cas. He hasn’t slept in awhile.”  


“Basically since I got out of the hospital,” Lamarcus said. He stared into the middle distance, his expression a haunted one that Dean knew all too well. “I see them, _hear_ them every time I close my eyes.”  


“You need to rest,” Cas said in the “dad” voice he used to use with Jack. It made Dean want to take his hand it was so sweet, but now wasn’t the time. He rose and gestured for Lamarcus to take his spot on the bed.  


“It’s the middle of the day,” Lamarcus protested, though Dean noted that he did let the angel pull him to his feet.  


“That will not be an issue,” Cas said.  


Lamarcus’ eyes widened as he sat heavily on the bed. “Wizard stuff?”  


Cas sighed, his eyes flickering to Dean. “Yes,” he said. “Wizard stuff.”  


“It’s not gonna like…” Lamarcus gestured vaguely at himself. “ _Change_ me or anything, is it?”  


Cas raised an eyebrow. “If you are asking if I plan to change you to some sort of amphibian, then the answer is ‘no’,” he said, earning him a tired smile from Lamarcus.  


It was a testament to how exhausted Lamarcus must have been, because he nodded after only a moment. “I won’t...you know-”  


“You will not dream,” Cas said gently. “No nightmares.”  


Lamarcus lay back, draping his arm over his eyes. “I must be crazy,” he said, and he already sounded sleepy. “Letting Harry Potter over here be all up in my-”  


He went abruptly silent as Cas softly put two fingers to his temple. His arm dropped down to the bed and he began to snore. With his face slack, he suddenly looked much younger, and Dean found himself very glad that he was there with Cas. Cas made him...softer, and it was clear that that approach had been the correct one. He watched Cas cover Lamarcus with a quilt, then the two of them left the room and softly shut the door behind themselves.  


Sonny was waiting outside. “Kid ok?”  


“His name is Lamarcus,” Cas said. “And he is Healed. And sleeping.”  


Sonny’s eyebrows went up almost to his hairline. “You don’t waste any time do you?” he said. “Was he...ok with that?”  


“I had his consent,” Cas said and sounded a little offended. “Dean convinced him to stay behind, as I knew he would.”  


“How did you do that?” Sonny asked as they descended the stairs.  


Dean shrugged, though honestly he was a little surprised himself. “ _We_ did what he asked,” he said. “We didn’t treat him like a kid. We leveled with him about what we were going to do and how having him with us was gonna hurt his chances of ever seeing his brother again.”  


“And that worked?” Sonny asked, sounding skeptical.  


“For now,” Dean said. “The kid’s exhausted Sonny. Hasn’t slept really in days. Once he wakes up, I’m sure he’ll be itching to get out of here and follow us.”  


“That will take some time,” Cas said calmly and Dean’s head whipped around to look at him so fast that he made his neck hurt. “What?” Cas said. “His body is utterly exhausted. I merely encouraged it to rest as long as it needs.” He shrugged. “It seemed like the best way to keep him out of our way without utterly taking the choice away from him.”  


“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, putting a hand on his angel’s shoulder. “That was a good idea and a not shitty way to go about it. I appreciate it.”  


“I have good ideas occasionally,” Cas said wryly. “But judging from Lamarcus’ map, the place we need to go is roughly an hour away, by car. We should go so that we may get the lay of the land before dark.”  


“Is there anything I can do?” Sonny asked as the three of them walked out to the car.  


“Give me a moment,” Cas said, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. He squatted and lay his palms on the stairs for a moment, closing his eyes. There was a faint scent of ozone that Dean had come to associate with Cas working particularly powerful mojo and then the angel rose and turned to Sonny. “The werewolves will not be able to find Lamarcus here,” he said calmly. “Even if they were to be standing where we are.”  


“And if they decided to pop in for a chat anyway?” Sonny asked, sounding worried.  


Cas’ smile was a little feral and it did things to Dean as the angel cocked his head. “It would be deeply unpleasant for them,” he said with a little smile. “You and your children will be safe.”  


Sonny held out his hand, giving Cas’ a hearty shake. “Thank you, Castiel,” he said. “That’s a hell of a thing.”  


“My point of origin is distinctly different,” Cas said. “But I appreciate the thought.”  


Dean grinned and caught Sonny in a brief hug. “We’ll be back soon, hopefully,” he said. “With things handled.”  


Sonny nodded and waved them off as they drove away. They drove in silence for a few minutes before Dean felt Cas’ eyes on him.  


“What’s up?” Dean asked. They might as well have it out before they went into the woods.  


“You are not...angry at how I handled that?” Cas asked. “I could tell I was frustrating you more than once.”  


Dean reached out and took his angel’s hand. “You were right,” he said in an exaggeratedly grudging tone that earned him a grin from Cas. “Your instincts were good, Cas. Following your lead is what got us that,” he nodded towards the journal.  


“Speaking of,” Cas said. “We are heading into an area with quite a lot of wilderness. Where do we think the werewolves are?”  


“Sounds like they are lead by a cop,” Dean said, frowning. “They could be living right in town, Cas.”  


Cas sounded dubious when he replied. “But not if they are holding Jon and his friends, surely.”  


“I’m not so sure,” Dean said. “Soundproofing’s a thing, Cas.”  


“But werewolves, especially purebloods, do not prefer an urban setting,” Cas replied. "It would be odd to find them in the town center. They like having space to-"  


"To wolf out," Dean said. He sighed and stared ahead. “You’re not wrong.”  


“You are worried,” Cas said quietly. “About finding Jon and his friends alive.”  


“Well, yeah,” Dean said. “That they let Lamarcus go like they did...that makes me think that they feel like they are untouchable.”  


“Well if the patriarch is a police officer,” Cas mused. “That would certainly explain it.”  


“Yeah,” Dean said grimly. “I’m not 100 percent on what we’re walking into, Cas. And that’s got me on edge.”  


“I think that is a reasonable reaction,” Cas said, squeezing his hand. “But you are not going in alone. And you are going in with your eyes open.”  


Dean shot him a quick smile. “I’m glad you’re with me, Cas,” he said. “Never hurts to have an angel for backup.”  


“Don’t you mean a wizard?” Cas asked wryly.  


Dean snorted and the two of them lapsed into comfortable silence as Dean drove and Cas leafed through Lamarcus’ journal. As the sky began to darken, Dean had to think that as glad as he was to have his angel along, he wouldn’t have turned down the help of a friendly wizard as well. They were going to need all the help they could get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter has us hunting down the werewolves! I'm hoping that I'm able to make it a little bit creepy and a little suspenseful. I hope that this plot heavy chapter was an interesting read and felt a little like the first part of an episode. Thank you for sticking with me! Stay safe and well out there, everyone. 
> 
> Love,  
> ~SLN


	24. Howling in the Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas begin their search for Jon and his friends. This leads to an unexpected alliance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: Torture**
> 
> Title is from Ozzy Ozbourne's "Bark at the Moon"

Dean leaned back in the comfortable leather chair and rubbed his temples. Normally he would have preferred to do his research in a crowded bar, but the Wifi at the local watering hole had proved insufficient for the task. So, he’d had a beer and then come to the library. It was a nice library, as far as they went, with lots of windows and a cozy fireplace area with a few recliners. It was there that he had posted up to look into the werewolves.  


Unfortunately, what he had found was, well, next to nothing. He had found the cop that he was pretty sure was the one Lamarcus had met, but the guy was a loner with an apartment in town. He figured that he could go and check it out, but he wasn’t optimistic about finding Jon and his friends in town. They were either going to have to go wander the woods, or follow the cop to his home and see if he led them to the rest of his pack. Neither idea really appealed to him.  


“Excuse me,” said a soft, female voice.  


Dean looked up and found himself meeting the warm brown eyes of an extremely attractive woman. She looked to be in her early thirties and was dressed in dark gray dress that looked like a knit sweater, but clung to her body in ways that he felt a twinge of guilt for noticing. Her long, curly brown hair fell almost to her elbows and she tucked a strand of it behind her ear as she gave him a tentative smile. “I’m Mathilda Blakesley, the librarian. Is there...something I can help you find?” Her eyes flicked to his laptop where his research on the cop was still on the screen. Hurriedly Dean closed the laptop and smiled up at her. “Just looking up an old friend,” he said. “And now that you mention it, I’m in town working on a book of American legends,” Dean said. “Mothman, Jackalopes, that sort of thing. Any good local stories you can point me towards?”  


She gave him a little smile. “‘Fraid not,” she said. “We’re pretty boring here. You’d probably have to go further into the Catskills for something really interesting. You should try up by Tannersville. It’s not a long drive from here.” Her full lips curled into an inviting smile. “Can’t imagine you mind driving with a car like that.”  


Dean grinned at her. “You know cars?” he asked.  


“My ex girlfriend was a real gearhead,” she said. “That a ‘67?”  


“Sure is,” Dean said, impressed. “She’s my baby.”  


“Do you have a website or something you use for parts?” she asked. “A friend of mine is restoring an old Chevy Napco and has been having a bear of a time finding a gearshift.”  


“Yeah!” Dean said eagerly. “I got a few, actually. Are you looking for original parts or recreations?”  


“I’d have to ask her,” Mathilda said, putting her hands on her hips. “If it were me, I’d say original, but not everyone’s a purist.” She pulled out her phone and handed it to him. “Could you bookmark them for me?” she asked.  


Dean accepted her phone and quickly went to his favorite two sites and did as she asked. “There ya go,” he said, handing her back her phone.  


“Thank you,” Mathilda said, her eyes shining. “This is going to make her day.” She tucked her phone into the pocket of her dress. “I should let you get back to it,” she said. “But “I’ll be at the circulation desk if you think of anything you need,” she said. She turned to go, almost bumping into Cas.  


“Excuse me,” she said. Then her nostrils flared and her eyes went very wide. “Excuse me,” she said again, before hurrying away.  


“Hello, Dean,” the angel said, looking vaguely grumpy. Cas had been down at the morgue, trying to suss out of there were any mysterious deaths.  


“Hey,” Dean said, smiling at his partner. “Find anything?”  


Cas did not return the smile. Instead his brow furrowed as he looked over towards where Mathilda was ensconced behind the circulation desk. “Did you just give that woman your phone number?” he asked, his voice low and very, very even.  


Dean blinked at him. “What?”  


“Did you give her your phone number?” Cas asked again. “You were on her phone.” He looked back at Mathilda, his expression sad. “She is very attractive. And it seemed like the two of you were enjoying talking to each other.”  


“Cas-”  


“Dean, I-” Cas swallowed hard and looked down at his hands, toying with his ring. “Dean...If you miss being with women I-I understand. I want you to be fulfilled...even if it cannot be with me. I would not stand in the way of your true happiness.” He shrugged his shoulders and the simple gesture broke Dean’s heart there was such quiet defeat in it. “Just be honest with us both about what you want.”  


“I want _you_ , you big dork,” Dean said right away, reaching out and taking Cas’ hands.  


Cas looked at him from under his eyelashes. “But-”  


“She asked for a website,” Dean said. “For car parts. I wasn’t giving her my number, baby.” His heart ached at the idea that Cas thought he’d stray. “Do you really think I’d do that to you? To us?”  


Cas hesitated, but shook his head. “No,” he said, relaxing a little. “I trust you, Dean.”  


“Good,” Dean said a little gruffly. What he wanted to do was pull Cas against him and give him a kiss that took all his doubt away. “Castiel, it’s you and me,” Dean promised. “You are the person I want to be with.” He gave Cas his best rakish smile, hoping to ease some of the angel’s tension. “No one’s sexier to me than you, baby. You are all I want.”  


Cas finally returned his smile, bringing Dean’s hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles. “I am sorry,” he said quietly. “For doubting. I just...sometimes I worry that I am not enough.”  


_My fucking heart,_ Dean thought. "Cas, you are more than I could ever have hoped for and it _kills_ me to hear you doubt how much you mean to me." Desperate to make his angel smile, he waggled his eyebrows and pitched his voice low in the way he knew always drove Cas crazy. "Am I going to have to drag you off to the stacks and _show_ you how bad I need you?" He heard Cas’ breath catch and the sound went straight to his cock.  


“I would not object,” Cas said, glancing at him from under his eyelashes.  


_Fuck, he drives me crazy._  


“It is getting late,” Cas said, glancing at the setting sun. “Unless you want to go and track werewolves in the woods at night, which strikes me as foolhardy, we could go back to the hotel and you can do what you want with me.”  


Dean rose, pulling his angel to his feet. “You getting into the temptation business, Castiel?”  


Cas’ answering smile was a sultry one and Dean was quick to pack up his stuff and put his arm around his angel’s waist. Together they left the library, waving goodbye to Mathilda as they left. Once they were in the car Cas reached over and stroked his fingertips over where Dean’s cock was straining against his pants. Dean hissed with need and drove a little faster than was strictly speaking necessary back to their hotel. Once they were inside, Dean shoved Cas against the door, kissing him hard. The angel moaned, parting his lips, and Dean eagerly caressed Cas’ tongue with his own as his hands went to the button of Cas’ jeans.  


“Dean,” Cas whispered, his hips rocking against Dean’s.  


_Fuck, he’s so hard._  


“It’s you and me, Cas,” Dean growled, sliding his hand inside Cas’ pants and boxers and beginning to stroke. “Do you understand?”  


“Yes!” Cas whimpered, his eyes tightly shut.  


“You’re the _only_ person I want,” Dean said, dragging his lips down from Cas’ to the angel’s neck. He kissed the sensitive skin and then sucked it hard, intentionally leaving a mark. “Just you, Cas.”  


“Dean!”  


Dean kissed his lips again, harder this time, pulling his angel against himself as the two of them staggered back towards the bed. He was less than gentle when he pushed Cas down, and he loved the heat in Cas’ eyes as the angel looked up at him. “I don’t like that you doubt what you are to me,” he said, frowning down at his partner as he struggled to put his feelings into words. “I never want you to doubt me, Cas. I want to be the one thing in this fucked up world that you are certain of.”  


“It is not you that I doubt,” Cas said quietly.  


“Sweetheart,” Dean said, sinking down onto the bed next to Cas and pulling his partner into his arms. He kissed Cas tenderly, pouring every ounce of his love into it. He kissed the tip of Cas’ nose and then leaned his forehead against his partner’s. “You are everything to me, Cas,” he swore. “ _Everything_. Please don’t doubt that.”  


Cas nodded and kissed him, his arms tightening around Dean. They lay there for awhile, making out like a couple of teenagers and Dean was about to take Cas in hand again when there was a knock on the door.  


They froze. No one knew they were there. Quickly they rose and Cas buttoned his pants and pulled out the angel blade as Dean readied his gun. Dean motioned for Cas to stand to the right of the door as he went and looked out the peephole.  


Mathilda stood outside, nervously shifting from foot to foot. Frowning, Dean lowered the gun and opened the door. He was about to say something when Mathilda shoved past him and shut the door behind herself, locking it. “I can’t be seen here,” she said. Her eyes widened at the sight of Cas and she held up her hands, swallowing hard.  


“Why did you follow us?” Dean asked, frowning.  


“You’re Dean Winchester,” Mathilda said without preamble.  


Dean blinked. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t that.  


“I thought that the car might be a coincidence,” Mathilda said. “But then I heard you call him ‘Castiel’. Everyone knows Dean Winchester and his angel Castiel.” She shot the angel a tense smile. “He really did just give me a couple of car websites,” she said.  


“How did you hear us?” Cas asked, frowning.  


“I have great hearing,” she said with a bitter little smile. “And thank God for that, because you guys have no idea what you’re dealing with.”  


“You still haven’t said why you followed us,” Dean said.  


“Because I think you can help me,” she said simply. “And because I don’t want you walking into a dangerous situation blind.” She took a deep breath. “I saw Carter on your computer,” she said and Dean inwardly cursed himself. “Hunters wouldn’t be looking him up unless they were after him. You know what he is. What...what _we_ are.”  


Dean had the gun up in an instant and Cas raised the angel blade. “Werewolves,” he said.  


She held up her hands, looking pained. “Yes,” she said. “Please just...hear me out. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to help.”  


“Talk fast,” Dean said, not lowering the gun.  


“Carter is a friend of my older brothers,” she said. “From the army. Gideon invited him to move out here once they left the service. He’s...not a good man.”  


“We gathered,” Cas said, his eyes watchful.  


“It wasn’t always like this,” Mathilda said. “Not when my mom was alive. We were happy and we weren’t monsters.”  


Dean glanced at Cas, who was cocking his head and watching Mathilda. “What do you mean, Mathilda?” he asked.  


“You can call me Hilly,” she said with a sad smile. “Back when I used to have friends, that’s what they called me.”  


Dean raised an eyebrow. “Why am I sensing we’re about to get a monster sob story?” he said and felt a surprising flash of guilt when she flinched.  


“Can I sit?” she asked, gesturing to the little table and chairs against the wall.  


Dean nodded. He and Cas remained standing as Hilly sat down, their weapons still ready.  


“We’re purebloods,” she said without preamble. “Well, the Blakesleys are purebloods. Gideon turned Carter.”  


“Why?” Dean asked. “Why would he do that?”  


“Carter saved his life while they were deployed,” she said. “Took a bullet for him. He was dying and Gideon turned him. Mom was furious with him.” She took a deep breath. “It all starts with my mom really. She used to lead our pack. We didn’t hunt people then. Mom was a doctor and took the Hippocratic Oath seriously. She felt it was our duty to use our powers to help people. Dad was in Search and Rescue. Gideon went into the Army. Margo worked as a paramedic before she became the mortician. And I...I was a kindergarten teacher. We kept pigs for-”  


“The whole pig farm to hide the bodies is a little played out,” Dean said and Hilly flinched again.  


“We raised them for their hearts,” she said defensively. “Mom said if we could use pig valves in surgery, then pig hearts were good enough for us.”  


“Oh,” Dean said, blinking. “That...that’s shockingly not-evil.”  


Her answering smile was a bitter one. “We were happy,” she said softly. “We didn’t have hunters coming looking for us.”  


“So what changed?” Dean asked. “When did Long Pig replace Wilbur?”  


“Mom was killed by a drunk driver,” Hilly said, her voice brittle. “She was riding her bike home from work and the guy just...came around a curve and plowed into her. He was so drunk he didn’t even register it right away and she-” she swallowed hard, her eyes beginning to glisten. “She was dragged for almost a mile before he stopped. There was barely enough of her left to bury. He tried to hide her body, but you can’t hide things from werewolves.” She looked down, tears beginning to trickle down her face. “I was the one who found her,” she whispered. “I went looking along her route when she didn’t come home.”  


“I’m sorry,” Dean surprised himself by saying. He was even more surprised by the fact that he meant it.  


“We found the man who killed her,” Hilly said, her voice a low growl.  


“How did you know it was him?” Dean asked. “Why didn’t you go to the cops?”  


“The scent of her blood was all over his truck, even after he’d cleaned it. But the courts won’t admit a werewolf’s sense of smell into evidence and it’s not like there were any witnesses.” Her eyes caught the lamp light and glowed briefly, making the hair on the back of Dean’s neck stand up. “When pressed, he told us what happened.”  


“I take it he did not survive,” Cas said.  


“No,” Hilly said. “But losing mom like that...it broke my dad. It broke something in all of us. That is where Carter comes in. He helped us make sure that no one found out what happened to the man who killed my mom. Turns out, he’d had a lot of practice.”  


“Because he’d been hunting people,” Dean said.  


“Since he was first turned,” Hilly said, nodding. “High risk people that wouldn’t be missed. He invited us to join him on a hunt, on a people hunt. Dad was horrified but Carter just laughed at him and said that he was halfway there after killing the guy who killed Mom. Dad...he killed himself that night. Left us a note saying that he couldn’t live with how he’d betrayed Mom’s legacy.”  


“So how did you end up hunting kids in the woods?” Dean asked.  


“I didn’t!” Hilly said. “I don’t! I’ve never eaten a human heart. Neither has my sister.”  


“But Gideon has,” Cas said.  


Hilly nodded, looking down. “I can’t leave Margo,” she said quietly. “And she won’t leave Gideon. They’re twins. I’m trapped.” She swiped at her eyes. “Damn it. We weren’t even hunting. We were running and the kids blew by us on their bikes, covered us with mud. I begged Carter to let it go, but he said he wanted to scare them. He knocked that kid off of his bike and he just...the look in his eyes...I’d never seen him like that. It happened so fast and there were so many of them...Carter said we had to take them so that there wouldn’t be witnesses. Gideon said that it’d make hunters come after us.” She met Dean’s eyes, tears still standing in hers. “It was all I could do to convince them to let the kid go.” She raised an eyebrow. “I take it he made it?” she asked.  


Dean nodded.  


“I’m glad,” she said quietly. “I’m glad he went to hunters and not the police. Carter was ready to...to-”  


“Turn him and make him eat his brother’s heart,” Dean said grimly. “He told us.”  


Hilly flinched.  


“Are they still alive?” Dean asked.  


She nodded. “The two that died that night...Carter had one heart and Gideon...he ate the other.” Her chin dropped to her chest. “I’m losing my brother,” she whispered. “And I don’t know what to do. When I realized who you were I thought...I thought that…” she looked up. “That you were my best chance of killing Carter.”  


“You are a pureblood werewolf,” Cas said. “Surely you could overpower this Carter.”  


“He’s Gideon’s best friend,” Hilly said, a note of desperation creeping into her voice. “They may as well be brothers. Gideon would never forgive me if I attacked Carter. He and Margo are all I have left. If he hates me, I’ll lose her too and I can’t!”  


“So you’re here to point us at Carter,” Dean said. “To solve your problem for you.”  


“I could have gone and warned them that you are here!” Hilly said. “Instead I came to you. You would never find them without me.”  


Dean pulled his phone from his pocket and handed it to her. “Address,” he said, watching her.  


She took the phone and typed something into the map app before handing it back to him. “Carter is working tonight,” she said. “It’s your best chance. Meet me there at eight.” She rose and Dean pointed the gun at her. “I have to go home, or they will come looking and they will track me to here. There is a service road about a quarter mile from our driveway. Park there.” She raised her chin and met Dean’s eyes. “So...can I go? Or are you going to shoot me?”  


Dean hesitated before lowering his gun. “How do we know that you won’t tell them we’re coming?”  


“I guess you’ll have to trust me,” she said with a sad smile. Then she was gone.  


And Dean supposed that he _must_ have trusted her, because at eight he was rolling into the little access road. He killed the engine and took a deep breath, glancing over at his partner. “So on a scale of one to ten,” he said as they stepped out of the car and got their weapons from the trunk. “How insane is this plan?”  


Cas snorted. “When measured against the many crazy things we have done, I’d say it hardly registers on the scale,” he said wryly. “But that doesn’t mean we should not be cautious.”  


Dean nodded and together they began to walk down the road. Wind whistled through the trees around them, making them creak and sway, and in the distance, Dean heard thunder roll. As they drew closer to the location on his phone, Dean realized that apart from the wind, the woods around them were eerily silent.  


“Something is out there,” Cas said softly, readying the angel blade.  


Dean drew his gun and nodded as they crept forward together. The hairs were standing up on his arms when he heard Hilly’s soft voice.  


“Dean.”  


He whirled around to face her, run raised, and for a moment her eyes shone green in the darkness.  


“Ready?” she asked.  


Dean lowered the gun, forcing himself to calm down.  


“How do you plan on getting them out?” she asked.  


“I will remove them,” Cas said calmly.  


Dean could see the whites of Hilly’s eyes as they widened. “You can do that?”  


“Assuming I am not wounded,” Cas said. “Then yes. I can take them two at a time.”  


“Ok,” Hilly said and Dean had to admire the determination in her voice. “Ok, let’s do this.”  


She led them down a long, dirt driveway for what felt like an eternity. Dean was on edge the whole time, his ears straining to hear the sounds of monsters stalking them from the woods. But all he heard was the wind and the approaching thunder. The wind was whipping around them by the time they crested a small hill and the lights of a farmstead came into view. The wind brought with it the stench of pigpens and it carried their grunts and squeals as well.  


“Keep to the right,” Hilly said as they drew closer. “Carter is at work, but Gideon and Margo are both home. They’ll be in the house. We are going to that barn over there.” She pointed towards a rundown barn a good distance away from the pens.  


“Are the kids all alive?” Dean asked as they got closer.  


“Yes,” Hilly said. “They are scared. And Carter...he hasn’t been kind to them. But they are alive.” She led them to a side door and produced a key, turning it in the lock surprisingly quietly. “I hit everything with WD40 before I came out to meet you,” she said. She opened the door and Dean was immediately hit with the stink of sweat and feces.  


“Stay the fuck away from us!” said a young man’s voice with a trace of a hispanic accent.  


Dean clicked on his flashlight and hissed at the sight in front of him. Four young men were half standing, half hanging by their handcuffed wrists. They were all covered in cuts and bruises, and one of them had a deep gash that was bleeding sluggishly on his cheek. That young man squinted into the light, clenching his fists. “Leave us alone you fucking freaks!” he hissed before rattling off a chain of what Dean assumed was invective in Spanish.  


“Jorge?” Dean asked quietly as they hurried forward.  


The young man went still. “Who’s asking?”  


“My name is Dean,” Dean said, motioning Cas forward. The angel touched the handcuffs and Jorge crumpled with a cry of pain. Dean caught him before he could hit the ground and slowly helped him sit. They repeated the process with the other three and the young men looked up at them, their eyes wide as they rubbed their wrists.  


“They took Jon,” Jorge said, struggling to get to his feet. “The fucker that brought us here he-he took Jon!”  


Dean’s heart sank. “How long ago?” he asked. “Who took him?”  


“An hour? Maybe?” Jorge said, glancing at the other young men. "D'andre?"  


The young man with skin as dark as Uriel’s nodded. His voice was deep and hoarse when he spoke. “Black haired guy,” he said, letting Jorge pull him up.  


Dean’s head whipped around to look at Hilly, who had the good grace to look horrified. “Gideon?” he asked.  


“He wouldn’t...” Hilly said and the terror in her voice gave Dean goosebumps. “It can’t be.”  


“Where would he have taken Jon?” Dean asked, thinking on the fly. Things had suddenly gotten so much more complicated. He saw Lamarcus’ face in his minds eye and felt his stomach twist in on itself. He knew that he’d told the young man he couldn’t promise that they’d bring back Jon alive but...he’d planned to.  


Now he wasn’t so sure.  


Hilly was looking nauseated. “I saw lights at the killing floor,” she said quietly. “Where we slaughter the pigs. There’s light and...space.”  


Jorge let out a little moan of fear and swayed. “No,” he gritted out. “No, please...We have to save him. You can’t let that fucker-!”  


“We’re gonna get you out of here,” Dean said. “Leave Jon to us, we’ll get him.”  


“I can’t leave him!” Jorge said, wiping the blood from his cheek. “I’m coming with you.”  


“You are in no condition to help,” Cas said firmly. “You will only slow us down.”  


“I’m not leaving without my fiance,” Jorge argued.  


Dean sighed and nodded to Cas.  


“I am sorry,” Cas said. He put his fingertips on Jorge’s head and caught him when the young man’s eyes rolled back in his head and he lapsed into unconsciousness. Wordlessly, Cas put his hand on the shoulder of the young man nearest to them and with a clap of wings, vanished.  


D'andre let out a low whistle, his eyes going wide. “The fuck was that?” He looked at the young man on his left. "Did you see that, Erik?"  


“Told you we’d get you out,” Dean said, reaching down and helping the last young man to his feet.  


“Thank you,” Erik said, looking a little wild around the eyes.  


Dean nodded as Cas reappeared. “They are in the car,” Cas said, putting his hand on each of the young men’s shoulders. Then he was gone.  


“Take me to where Gideon is,” Dean said, looking at Hilly as he clicked off his light.  


She nodded and led him from the barn. There was a small structure set a good ways away from the farmhouse and pens with lights blazing inside. As they approached, Dean heard the distinct sound of a man crying.  


“Just let them go,” he was saying. “I’m begging you. We won’t tell anyone. Do what you want with me, but let them go.”  


“None of you are walking away,” a deep voice said. “It’s too late for that.”  


“Why are you doing this? We never did anything to you! We-” his trailed off with a hoarse scream and before Dean could stop her, Hilly was flinging open the door and stalking inside.  


“Damn it!” Dean hissed, following her.  


Inside the scene that greeted him was grim. The young man that Dean recognized from the picture as Jon was tied to a stainless steel table. He was wearing only boxers and his whole body was covered in a patchwork of bruises. There was a long cut along his side that Dean suspected was the reason for the last scream. Standing next to him was a muscular man with a shock of black hair and the coldest blue eyes Dean had ever seen.  


“Who the fuck is this, Hilly?” he asked.  


“What are you doing?” Hilly growled back. “What the fuck are you doing Gideon Arthur?”  


Dean raised his gun. “Step away from the kid,” he said.  


“Hunter,” Gideon said, his eyes narrowing. “What have you done, Hilly?”  


“What have _I_ done?” she asked. “You’re torturing him! This isn’t you, Gideon. This is _him._ ”  


“I assure you,” said a low voice laced with amusement. “It is very much your brother.”  


Dean had a second to spin around and caught a glimpse of pale brown eyes before he felt the unmistakable surge of a taser. He collapsed to the ground, gasping in pain, and was dimly aware of his gun being kicked away. Flex cuffs were quickly fastened around his wrists as he lay on the ground panting.  


_Shit. Cas...where are you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of what I've referred to in my notes as "Werewolf Fuckery" in the next chapter. Thank you for sticking with me! This chapter ended up being different from how I had originally planned, mostly because I ended up wanting to explore problematic family relationships. It's not just the Winchesters who are dysfunctional!


	25. Nice is Different Then Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Captured by the werewolves he was hunting, Dean finds himself in a rapidly escalating situation that ends bloodily for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING: TORTURE, DEATH**
> 
> Seriously, fam, this chapter gets pretty dark and Dean suffers a lot. Don't read it if you're in a bad headspace. Next chapter will be all fluff.
> 
> Chapter title is from "I know Things Now" from Into the Woods

“Stop!” Hilly screamed and Dean saw her try to interpose her body between him and the other werewolves.  


“Get out of the way, Hilly,” the man Dean assumed was Carter growled. So much for him being at work.  


“I won’t let you do this,” she said. “I won’t-” she trailed off with a little gasp. “Gideon!”  


Dean forced himself to focus and saw that Gideon had picked up his gun and was pointing it at Hilly. “I’m giving you one chance,” he said. “You have to choose, Hilly. Us or them.”  


“This isn’t you,” Hilly pleaded. “Gideon, this isn’t you! This would break Mom’s heart!”  


“Mom’s dead,” he said bitterly. “Thanks to their kind. We don’t owe them anything.”  


“We aren’t monsters,” Hilly said. “You aren’t a monster!”  


“I’ve been a monster for a long time, Hilly,” Gideon said and actually sounded sad. “You’ve just chosen not to see it.”  


There was the deafening sound of a gunfire and Hilly collapsed to the ground, clutching her right thigh. Her eyes were wide and terrified as she stared at her brother. She screamed as the gun fired again and Dean saw red bloom on her other thigh.  


“Finish her,” Carter said coldly.  


Gideon shook his head. “That’ll keep her out of our hair,” he said, setting the gun down on the table. “I can smell the fucking silver bullets.” He glanced at the other werewolf. “She’s my _sister_ , Carter. I’m not going to kill her.”  


“We may not have a choice,” Carter said darkly.  


Dean was hauled to his feet as his body continued to twitch following the taser and he winced at Jon’s cry of pain as the young man was dragged from the table and dropped unceremoniously to the ground. Dean was slammed onto his back on the table and he struggled to fight back as his ankles and wrists were bound to heavy bolts welded to the table. But he was no match for two werewolves.  


_Fuck, please don’t let it end like this. Dinner for a fucking werewolf. Cas, I need you!_  


“If hunters have found us, we’re going to have to move,” Gideon said off to Dean’s left. “Who knows who he’s told.”  


“Gideon,” Hilly said weakly. “This is our _home_. Mom’s buried here.”  


“You shouldn’t have brought the hunter,” Gideon said, his voice cold. “This is on you, Hilly.”  


“NO!” she panted, and Dean had to give it to her, for all the agony she must have been in, anger was winning out over pain in her voice. “No. _You_ two did this by attacking those humans and-”  


“Speaking of the hunter,” Carter interrupted and suddenly he was in Dean’s eyeline, smiling down at him. The smile didn’t reach his eyes and Dean shivered. He had met a lot of monsters in his lifetime, but usually in moments like this there was _something_ in the eyes of his opponent. Hate, fear, rage, something. But Carter’s eyes were simply...empty. “Does anyone know that you’re here?”  


Dean glared back at him, but kept his mouth shut. He was prepared for the blow, but he still grunted when Carter’s fist connected with his ribs. He felt something crack and though he tried not to, he cried out when Carter did it again in the same spot. Fuck, that rib was definitely broken.  


“Answer my question,” Carter said. “If you cooperate, I might make it quick.”  


Dean forced his eyes open and raised his chin, curling his lip as he looked up at his captor. The blows fell over and over until Dean’s breath was whistling out of his broken nose as he struggled to take in any air.  


Then, abruptly, they stopped and Dean went cold at the sensation of claws trailing down his chest and tearing his shirt open. He had the sense that something extremely painful was about to happen when he suddenly heard a low, alto female voice.  


“I thought I heard a gun? Sweet fucking Christ! What is going on in here? Hilly!”  


A woman with black hair and amber eyes was standing by the door, staring at Hilly. She seemed to shake off her shock and hurried to Hilly’s side, kneeling and resting her hand gently on Hilly’s shoulder. “Hilly?”  


“She brought hunters here,” Carter said coldly.  


“She’s our sister!” the woman who could only be Margo said. “Gideon, how could you let him shoot her?”  


“I didn’t shoot her,” Carter said and if the smugness in his tone was setting Dean’s teeth on edge, he could only imagine how it felt for Hilly and Margo. “Gideon did.”  


“Gideon?” Margo sounded horrified. “You didn’t? You-you wouldn’t shoot Hilly-bean?”  


For the first time, Dean heard a note of uncertainty from Gideon. “Margo…she brought a Hunter here.”  


“I told you that people would come looking,” she shot back. “I _told_ you that this idea of his was fucking stupid and-”  


“Don’t you fucking call me stupid, Margo,” Carter growled and something in his voice gave Dean chills.  


“If the shoe fits,” she replied and turned to put her arms around Hilly. She rose with the other woman in her arms and Dean heard Gideon cry out a warning as Carter picked up Dean’s gun from the table and levelled it at Margo and Hilly.  


Margo raised her chin, glaring back at Carter as she clutched Hilly protectively to her chest. “Fuck right off, Carter,” she said, her voice low and shockingly even. “I don’t care what you do with this human, or the humans you’ve got in the shed, but I’m taking my sister and we’re going. Gideon…” there was a gentle, pleading note in her voice. “Leave this piece of shit here and come with us.”  


“I can’t, Margo,” Gideon almost whispered. “The things I’ve done...I just...I’m not _good_. I’m not like you and Hilly, or Dad, or Mom. I’m a monster and I-”  


“I don’t care what you’ve done,” Margo replied and werewolves or not, Dean flinched at the pain in her voice. How many times had he said some variation of the same thing to Sammy? “I don’t. You aren’t a monster. You’ve fucked up, but we can-”  


“Just leave me,” Gideon said, his voice dripping with so much self-loathing that the words could have come from Dean himself.  


“We can’t let them go,” Carter said. “ _Think_ , Gideon.”  


“You just don’t want him to leave you,” Margo said and next to him, Carter went still. _Oh shit_. “Gideon, you don’t have to stay with him. You’re better-”  


“He’s really not,” Carter said, and he sounded amused. “If you knew the things that he’s done, Margo-”  


“Shut the fuck up, Carter,” Gideon said, and for the first time, he sounded scared.  


“What things, Gideon?” Hilly asked, her voice tight with pain. “What have you done?”  


“Should we tell them about our deployment?” Carter asked, a cold smile on his face. “Or maybe about the ‘ride alongs’ you’ve come on? What about that college kid who was hitching? The one we left-”  


“Little brother?” Margo whispered. “What’s he talking about?”  


“Tell her how you came up with making it slow,” Carter said. “To really get that heart pumping before we ripped it out so that it would taste all the sweeter?” He let out a harsh bark of laughter. “I like killing people,” he said. “But at least I make it quick. Gideon likes to make it _last._ ”  


_Jesus fucking Christ_ , Dean thought, his stomach lurching.  


He heard the same disgust that was squirming within him in Margo’s voice. “Oh my God,” she whispered.  


“Gideon,” Hilly said in a soft, frightened voice. “Please tell me he’s lying.”  


Gideon was quiet for a long moment before he replied. When he did, there was a hollowness to his voice that, more than anything else that had transpired that evening, made Dean’s heart begin to race with fear. It was the tone of a man who realized that he’d lost everything that mattered to him. A man with nothing left to lose.  


_I’m fucked. CAS!_  


“I told you I was a monster,” he said.  


Dean saw Margo draw herself up. “If I didn’t need to get Hilly medical attention, I’d put you down myself,” she said coldly. “Don’t be here when I come back, Gideon. A chance to run, a chance to change, that is the last acknowledgement of blood ties that you’ll ever get from me. If I ever see you again...just know that as far as I am concerned, my brother is dead.”  


Carter raised the gun again but fast, impossibly fast, Gideon was between him and the two women.  


“I understand, Margo,” Gideon said, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry.”  


“Gideon-”  


“If you want to kill them,” Gideon said. “You’ll have to kill me.” He shot the other man a bitter smile. “And if you do, you’ll lose your powers and you won’t be a werewolf anymore.”  


Everyone went still. Dean knew that he was lying, and he suspected that Gideon and his sisters knew as well. But would Carter know?  


“You’re going to regret letting them go,” Carter said, lowering the gun after a painfully tense pause.  


Margo and Gideon locked eyes and then she nodded once to him and kicked open the door.  


Gideon shrugged. “Are we going to finish these two or not?” he asked as Margo carried Hilly out into the rain that had begun to lash down. He crossed to Dean and looked down at him, and as empty as Carter’s eyes had been, Gideon’s were full of rage, shame, loss, and self-loathing.  


_Christ, it's like looking into a mirror a year ago._  


“We’re going to have to hurry,” Gideon said. "Before Margo comes back."  


Next to him, Carter hauled Jon to his feet.  


“Let him go,” Dean said right away.  


“Nah,” Carter said. “Neither one of you is walking away. We will let him watch us finish you, though, so he knows what’s coming.” He gave Jon a little shake, making the other man whimper with fear. “Maybe I should go get your boyfriend,” he growled, wrapping his hand around Jon’s neck as his nails turned into long, black claws. “Let you watch me rip him apart.”  


“You stay the fuck away from him!” Jon said, his voice shaking.  


Dean wanted to reassure the other man, to promise him his partner was safe so that if they both died here, well, at least he’d have that. “Jon-” and then he couldn’t speak anymore because claws, horrible, cold, sharp claws were digging into his belly. All the air abruptly left his lungs for a split second before he heard himself let out a thin, ragged wail. He looked down -- he _shouldn’t_ have looked down -- and saw a loop of his intestines in Gideon’s hand.  


_Oh fuck, oh god, oh fuck please not like this._  


“You ever heard of David Montbars?” Gideon said, his voice soft and empty. He gave Dean’s insides a sharp tug when Dean didn’t answer, and somewhere in the distance Dean heard himself screaming. “Montbars the Executioner. He was a pirate who would cut a man’s intestines right about...here,” Dean felt a horrible pinch and clenched his eyes shut. “And then he’d nail them to the mast and make the man dance while he beat him with a burning log.” He let out a bitter laugh. “Not quite Pirates of the Caribbean. The point is, the way it gets the heart pumping. The fear, the agony…” he leaned close to Dean, his breath hot on Dean’s ear. “No pigs heart could compare to how it tastes.”  


“Normally not my thing,” Carter said to Jon. “But maybe we’ll get your little boyfriend and have him do the dance while you watch.”  


Jon let out a sob, thrashing in Carter’s grasp. “Take me!” he begged. “Do it to me, not him, please!”  


“Hunter first,” Gideon said.  


Dean felt the restraints at his wrists and ankles fall away and then Gideon was hauling him to his feet. Instinctively his hands went to his belly and he heard himself moan with fear and agony as the warm loops fell into his hands. He saw Gideon bend and pick something up from under the table and when the man straightened, Dean felt vomit at the back of his throat.  


He was holding a hammer and nail.  


He held them out to Dean and nodded towards one of the thick support beams. “Get to nailing,” he said, his lips curling into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “Or blondie here’s up.”  


Dean knew he couldn’t let that happen, so he took a shuffling step towards the post when suddenly the walls of the barn began to shake.  


“What the fuck?” Carter growled, looking around wildly.  


_CAS!_  


Dean felt blood dribbling from his lips as he smiled at the werewolves. “Time’s...up,” he rasped.  


The door banged open and in strode Castiel, just as he had the first time Dean met him all those years ago. He was resolute and otherworldly, and when he caught sight of Dean, his eyes blazed blue. 

There was a clap of thunder and the lightning that followed illuminated the shadows of massive, angelic wings.  


Carter threw Jon to the ground and yanked Dean’s gun from the waist of his pants. He emptied the clip into Castiel’s chest as the angel strode forward. Cas glanced down at the bullet holes and then looked back up at Carter, his lips curling into a sneer as he raised his eyebrow.  


“What the-” Carter stumbled backwards, his voice tight with fear. “What the fuck are you?”  


“I am an Angel of the Lord,” Cas said, his voice all but vibrating with anger. He placed his hand on Carter’s forehead and then the werewolf was screaming as Cas smote him. Cas rounded upon Gideon and stalked forward.  


Gideon backed up, his eyes huge.  


“You tortured him,” Cas growled and even though the angel’s rage wasn’t directed at him, Dean still felt a chill go up his spine. “I can smell his blood on your claws.”  


Gideon’s back hit the wall of the slaughterhouse and he went very still. To Dean’s surprise, he only raised his chin and shrugged.  


“Most beg for their lives at this juncture,” Cas said in a low, deadly voice.  


“I already know that I’m going to Hell,” Gideon said with a bitter smile. “And I have lost everything that matters to me in this life.”  


“If my partner did not need me, I would take you apart on a molecular level,” Cas said. “And I would make it slow for what you have done to him.” He glanced back at Dean and Dean could see Cas’ worry. “As it is…”  


Gideon’s eyes went huge as the angel blade pierced his heart but when he slid down the wall, there was a smile on his face.  


“That’s my angel,” Dean whispered. Then the strength went out of his legs and he collapsed to the ground next to Carter’s body.  


“Dean!”  


“Take care of the kid,” Dean panted, nodding towards where Jon was clutching his clearly broken arm to his chest. “Cas-”  


“No!” Jon said, wincing. “No! It’s just my arm, they got his guts out. Please...sir...please-”  


He smelled ozone and then Cas was kneeling next to him. “Move your hands, Dean,” the angel said gently.  


“Can’t-” Dean gasped. “Cas...I can’t.” All he could picture was his guts slithering out onto the slaughterhouse floor and the thought horrified him so deeply that all he could do was tighten his arms around himself.  


“Trust me,” Cas said, his voice tight with worry.  


Dean felt Cas’ cool hands on his, gently easing them away from his middle. His guts shifted and Dean cried out.  


“Shhhhhhh, love," Cas said tenderly. "Shhh, I've got you." His voice dropped as he put his hands over the gaping hole in Dean's middle. "I should have killed him slowly,” Cas growled. Dean whimpered and Cas flinched, but kept up gentle pressure. “Can you lie down?”  


Dean shook his head, fighting down the wave of lightheadedness and panic. It hurt, it all fucking hurt and he was so terrified that if he moved again...that would be it.  


“Can you help me?” Cas asked Jon, and even though the edges of his vision were going dark, Dean saw the young man hurry over. Using his good arm, Jon and Cas laid Dean down on the floor and then Cas’ hands were back at the wound in Dean’s belly.  


“Take a deep breath, Dean,” Cas said gently. “It is going to hurt, but then it is going to be over, I promise.”  


“I can’t,” Dean panted, his heart hammering in his chest. “Cas-”  


“You can,” Cas said firmly. “And you will. On three, Dean. One, two, three!”  


Dean did as Cas bade and then his entire awareness was consumed with agony as his intestines were returned to where they belonged. His body screamed as he jerked beneath the angel’s hands and he could feel his heels drumming on the ground.  


Then, it was over. Dean lay on the ground panting and he brought a hand that shook to his belly. It was sticky with blood, but blessedly closed.  


He heard someone let out a sob and realized it was him as Cas helped him sit and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. He knew as soon as he moved that his rib was healed, as well as his nose.  


“Jon,” Cas rumbled. “Give me your arm.”  


The young man did as Cas asked, his eyes wide, and he gasped when Cas lay his hands on him and healed the break.  


“You...you...are you really an angel?” he asked.  


Cas smiled and helped them both to his feet. “I am,” he said.  


“We have to go get Jorge and the others!” Jon said, turning towards the door. “They-”  


“They are safe,” Cas said. “That was what caused my delay. Jorge...reacted badly to his journey to safety. He had a seizure.”  


“Is he all right?” Jon asked, his eyes wide. “He hasn’t had his meds in days and I-”  


“He is well,” Cas said. “I will take you to him now.” He rested his hands on their shoulders and was about to take off when Margo strode back into the barn. She skidded to a halt, eyes widening as she took in the scene. 

"They're dead," she said flatly. 

Dean nodded and grabbed Cas' wrist when he took a step towards the werewolf. "Where's Hilly?" he asked. 

"Passed out in the back of my jeep," Margo said grimly. "I got the bullets out, but silver's poison, as you know. She is going to need to rest. Before she lost consciousness she begged me to come back." 

"To talk sense into your twin?" Dean asked. 

"To kill him," Margo said. "That thing needed to be put down." She cocked her head. "You are an angel," she said. 

Cas nodded, looking surprised. "How did you know?" 

She shrugged. "You don't smell human," she said. Then she jerked her chin towards Carter's body. "And angels are the only thing I've heard of that make people's eyes do...that." She gestured to the burnt out hollows where Carter's eyes had been. She crossed her arms, looking suddenly very vulnerable. "Are you going to kill me?" 

Cas glanced at Dean, who hesitated. Margo hadn't participated in his torture, or the torture of the others, but she had known about the captives and done nothing to help them. "You could have stopped them," he said and to her credit, she didn't flinch. 

"Yes," she admitted. "I _should_ have stopped them. I thought...I don't know. That there'd be a wall that Gideon hit. A line that would make him realize what he was becoming." She looked over at his body. "He was my brother," she said quietly. "I didn't want to believe that he...was what he was." She raised her chin, meeting Dean's gaze squarely. "That's not an excuse though," she said. "I was raised better than that." She glanced over at Gideon again. "We all were." She took a deep breath. "I don't want to die," she said. "I don't want to leave Hilly all alone. But I don't want to compound this awful fucking situation by fighting you either." 

"There's been enough blood today," Dean said, deciding all at once. "Take care of Hilly, Margo." He met her eyes. "And don't pick up where Gideon left off. If I ever see you again-" 

"You won't," Margo said. She gave her brother one last agonized look and then turned and disappeared into the darkness. 

"Let's go," Dean said, exhaustion suddenly threatening to overwhelm him. Cas nodded and then Dean felt the familiar sensation of Cas’ flight. The next thing he knew, they were standing next to the Impala and Jorge was tumbling out of the back seat with a cry of relief.  


Jon took the shorter man into his arms, tears streaking down his face, and the two of them shared a passionate kiss before Jorge pulled back and cupped Jon’s cheeks. He let off a rapid string of Spanish that Dean didn’t quite catch, but Jon smiled and nodded, before kissing him again.  


“Thank you,” Jorge said, looking up at Dean and Cas from where he had tucked himself against Jon's side. “Thank you both.” He turned to Jon, giving him a radiant smile. “Corazón, they have Lamarcus. He’s alive and safe.”  


It was a good thing that Jorge had his arm around Jon, because the other man’s knees went weak as he let out a sob of relief.  


“Oh thank God,” he whispered. “Oh thank God.” He started to cry and Jorge held him, rubbing his back and whispering to him softly in Spanish.  


“We can take you to him,” Dean said after a few minutes.  


Jon nodded, wiping his eyes and together they all piled into the Impala. It was a tight fit for the six of them, but they managed it for the short drive into town where D’andre had his car parked. 

D’andre and Erik said their farewells, giving Dean and Cas bone crushing hugs before hugging Jon and Jorge goodbye. Dean promised them both that the werewolves were gone and wouldn’t come for them, and Jon was quick to back him up. The pair were quick to climb into D’andre’s SUV, and Dean wasn’t surprised when they tore out of the parking lot and headed towards the highway.  


He and Cas climbed back into the car and started driving back to Sonny’s. Dean glanced in the rearview mirror and saw and Jon and Jorge were sitting close together in the back seat, with Jon’s arm around Jorge’s shoulders. They were both asleep and Dean had to smile as he reached over and took Cas’ hand.  


“Thank you for saving us,” he said quietly, giving Cas’ hand a squeeze.  


Cas squeezed back and even with the quick glance over, Dean could see regret scrawled over his partner’s face. “I am sorry that I was not faster,” Cas said softly. “That I could not spare you the pain you suffered.”  


“You saved the kid,” Dean said, nodding at Jorge. “Believe me when I say that Jon wouldn’t have thanked you for letting Jorge die. You made the right call, babe. We’re all ok.”  


“I wish that I had taken my time with Gideon,” Cas growled with uncharacteristic savageness. “For what he did.”  


“I’m glad you didn’t,” Dean said firmly, bringing Cas’ hand to his lips and kissing his knuckles. “He wasn’t worth it.” He gave Cas’ hand a gentle tug. “Come here,” he said. “Rest. You’ve got to have gone through a lot of juice today.”  


It was a testament to how exhausted Cas was that the angel didn’t argue, just scooted over and put his head on Dean’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and did his “power down” thing and Dean rested his head on top of Cas’ as he drove them back to Sonny’s.  


He was stiff by the time they arrived, and grunted as he climbed out of the car. Exhaustion was weighing heavily on him and he was happy to accept Cas’ arm around his waist as the four of them climbed the stairs to a grinning Sonny.  


“Sonny Gibbons,” he said, holding out his hand to Jon and Jorgee in turn. “Your brother's a fine young man. I am glad to see you are both all right.”  


Jon glanced at Dean, frowning.  


“He’s the one who called us in,” Dean said, clapping Sonny on the shoulder. “A friend of his found Lamarcus. Sonny’s been taking care of your brother. Keeping him safe.”  


Jon’s eyes widened and he turned back to Sonny, sweeping the older man into a hug. Jorge was quick to do the same. “Thank you,” Jon said, his voice thick with emotion. “He-” he swallowed hard. “If I’d lost him…”  


“He felt the same way,” Sonny said gently. His eyes flickered over to Cas. “You want to wake him?” he asked.  


“I already have,” Cas said, smiling.  


And sure enough, there was the sound of feet pounding down the stairs and then Lamarcus was rounding the corner with a cry of relief. The brothers met in the doorway and caught each other in an embrace.  


“Fuck, am I glad to see you, Punkus,” Jon rasped, his cheeks wet with tears. “Thank fucking God that you made it.”  


“Jon!” Lamarcus sobbed, clinging to his older brother. “You’re ok! You’re both ok!” He pulled back abruptly and yanked Jorge in for a hug as well, startling a wet laugh from the other man.  


“Easy hermanito,” Jorge said, rubbing Lamarcus’ back. “Easy. Estamos bien. Todos estamos bien.”  


Lamarcus turned to Dean and Cas, and surprised them both with fierce hugs. “Thank you!” he whispered, his voice rough. “Thank you for bringing them back.”  


Dean smiled at the young man, nodding. “I’m glad we could,” he said, clapping Lamarcus on the shoulder. “We couldn’t have done it without you, kid. That journal of yours was key.”  


Lamarcus grinned at him and then turned to Jon.  


“He tell you that he’s a wizard?” Lamarcus asked, slinging his arm around Jon’s shoulders and leading him inside.  


Jorge turned to Cas, an eyebrow raised. “A wizard?” he asked, his lips curling into a smile.  


“We thought it might be easier to accept,” Cas said with a shrug.  


Jorge chuckled and followed the others inside, shaking his head.  


“You boys staying for dinner?” Sonny asked.  


Dean and Cas glanced at each other and Dean made the call when he caught sight of the circles under Cas’ eyes.  


“I think we’re going to go get a hotel room and sleep for about a week,” Dean said, shaking his head. “Things...things got pretty hairy there for awhile.”  


Sonny raised an eyebrow, but didn’t press. “Come say goodbye to the boys,” he said. “And I got something for you, Dean, before you go. I’ve been meaning to mail it, but something’s always come up.” He led them inside and to the kitchen. Dean could hear the brothers talking excitedly from the other room, and it made him smile. Sonny opened a cabinet and pulled out a beat up old thermos with “Property of Dean Winchester” scrawled onto the side. “I was renovating the dorm and found this behind the baseboard.”  


Dean’s eyes widened as he accepted it. “I forgot all about this,” he said quietly. “Thanks for holding onto it, Sonny.”  


“What is it?” Cas asked, cocking his head.  


“I’ll show you later,” Dean said, his throat tightening. “We should say goodbye to the boys and get going. I need a shower.”  


Cas nodded and together they trooped into the living room where they exchanged another series of hugs with Lamarcus and his brothers.  


“Dean,” Lamarcus said. He took a deep breath and Dean could have groaned. He had a suspicion that he knew what was coming. “I...I want to do what you do. I want to help people. I want to-to fight things like the monsters that took us.”  


“No,” Jorge said right away.  


“Absolutely not,” Jon said.  


Dean held up his hand, quieting them all. “I get it,” he said.  


Larmarcus gave him a surprised look.  


“I do,” Dean said with a shrug at his older brothers. “Look, I promised not to treat you like a kid, so I’m not going to stand here and pretend like I can stop you from Hunting. But, if you’re going to think about it seriously, I want you to know that you’re probably going to end up breaking your brother’s hearts when something kills you...if you don’t get them killed first.”  


Lamarcus recoiled, his eyes widening.  


Dean pressed on relentlessly. “I almost died last night,” he said. “I would have, if Cas hadn’t been there. The werewolves gutted me and were planning on eating my heart after they finished torturing me. If I hadn’t had a literal Angel of the Lord with me, I would be dead.”  


Lamarcus turned to Cas. “I thought you were a wizard,” he said, his tone faintly accusatory.  


“We lied,” Cas said calmly. “But since you wish to get into the life, you should know that we exist. As do demons. And almost everything in between.”  


“And most of those things are stronger, faster, and nastier than you can ever be,” Dean said. “And they hold grudges. Once you start hunting, everyone you love will become a target for anything that you’ve ever gone after. Work will follow you home one day and you’ll come home to find your brothers ripped to shreds and you’ll have to live the rest of your life knowing that if you’d just made another choice, they’d still be with you.” He crossed his arms and looked at the young man, seeing the tears welling up in his eyes. “As shitty as you were feeling when we arrived...it’ll be a thousand times worse.”  


Jon put his arm around Lamarcus’ shoulders and the young man turned into him with a muffled sob, shaking his head. “No,” Lamarcus whispered, reaching out with a hand that shook and pulling Jorge into the hug as well. “No, I can’t-”  


Jon made eye contact with Dean over Lamarcus’ shoulders and mouthed: “thank you”.  


Dean nodded and took Cas’ hand. “You guys gonna be ok?” He saw Lamarcus make a visible effort to compose himself before he stepped away from his older brothers and held out his hand to Dean.  


“Yeah,” he said, his voice rough. “Thank you, Dean. Thank you Castiel...for everything.”  


Dean solemnly shook the young man’s hand, followed by Jorge, and finally Jon. “Sonny has my number,” he said. “If you guys ever need our kind of help again.”  


Jon nodded and the three of them walked Dean and Cas to the door where they were joined by Sonny. There Sonny swept Cas, then Dean into gruff hugs before stepping back with his arms crossed. “I expect an invitation to the wedding, Dean Winchester,” he said with mock sternness.  


Dean blinked, then blushed bright red.  


“You take care of him,” Sonny said to Cas, who grinned at him.  


“I try,” Cas said. “But he is stubborn.”  


Sonny snorted. “Don’t I know it.”  


“If you guys are done,” Dean said, unable to keep the huge smile from his face. Hearing those words from Sonny filled his heart with joy and he felt like he was dangerously close to getting emotional. “Thanks, Sonny,” he said.  


The older man nodded and walked Dean and Cas down to the car, waving them off as they drove away.  


Dean felt Cas’ eyes on him as they drove towards home. “Yeah?” he asked.  


“Sonny accepts you,” Cas said gently. “I am sure that feels good.”  


Dean’s throat tightened as the exhaustion of the day and the huge surge of emotions overwhelmed him. The tears started to trickle down his face and before he knew it he had to pull the car over so that he could cry without getting them killed. “It does feel good,” he said, when he could finally speak. “Really good.”  


“I am glad,” Cas said, reaching up and caressing his cheek. “You deserve to be accepted by the people you love.”  


“Cas,” Dean whispered, pulling his angel in for a kiss.  


Their kiss deepened and before Dean knew it, Cas had pulled him into his lap and they were making out in the car like a couple of horny teenagers.  


“You saved my life,” Dean whispered against Cas’ lips.  


“I am sorry that you were in such danger,” Cas replied, his hands gentle as they smoothed up and down Dean’s back. “I am sorry that I could not protect you, Dean.”  


“You did,” Dean promised, rubbing his nose against his angel’s. “You always come through for me, Cas.” He kissed Cas again, parting his lips and moaning when Cas grabbed his ass and gave it a squeeze.  


“We should find a hotel,” Cas panted against his lips. “So that the police do not feel the need to investigate.”  


Dean grumbled, but slid from Cas’ lap, unable to deny the sense in his words.  


“Why don’t you let me drive?” Cas said, giving him a tender kiss on the forehead. “I will find us a hotel. You can take a nap so that you have energy for later.”  


“Energy for what?” Dean asked, grudgingly moving into the passenger seat.  


Cas raised an eyebrow, giving him that look that always drove him crazy. “I was planning on making love to you,” he said, his full lips curling into a sultry smile. “If you are not opposed.”  


Dean shivered and scooted over, putting his head on Cas’ shoulder. “Definitely not,” he said, tilting his face up and giving Cas a kiss as the angel started the car. “I guess I had better get some rest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will take place at the hotel and will be purely fluff and emotional business :) Thank you for reading through this super dark chapter in particular and this behemoth fic in general. You have all been so very kind and have made this undertaking that much more meaningful. Love you all so much! Stay safe and well.
> 
> Love,  
> ~SLN


	26. The Night is Long, and the Path is Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas work through the trauma Dean suffered at Gideon's hands. This leads to Dean revealing what is in the Thermos and a gentle conversation between him and Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok y'all, I lied, I'm sorry. I thought this chapter was just going to be fluff and maybe some smut, but this is what came out instead. We do a bunch of processing trauma and dealing with PTSD in this one, as well as dealing with some heavy subject matter. There's definitely fluff and hurt/comfort here, but I don't want anyone coming in expecting pure fluff to be blindsided. 
> 
> I do plan on next chapter being just...purely fluffy, though I do want it to be trauma-informed as well. Dean's a resilient guy, but I wanted to give him at least a little time to bounce back from what he went through. I hope that y'all don't mind. 
> 
> Chapter title is from "The Dawn Will Come" from Dragon Age Inquisition because why not have two of my big fandoms hang out together?

“Dean?”  


Dean jerked upright and immediately groaned as his body protested. Fuck, he ached. “What time is it?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. It was dark outside.  


“Eight-thirty,” Cas said, reaching over and taking his hand. “We are at the hotel.” He gave Dean a gentle smile. “I found us a slightly nicer one than usual. Our room has a very large hot tub. I thought you might be sore.”  


“You really are an angel,” Dean said, leaning over and kissing Cas. He climbed out of the car, wincing at the ache in his back as he picked up his overnight bag. When he straightened Cas was in his space, his gorgeous eyes filled with concern. He plucked Dean’s bag from his hand before Dean could protest and wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist. Dean leaned against his angel, grumbling, and loved the soft smile on Cas’ face as they walked into the hotel. The inside was attractive and modern, with polished hardwood floors and walls painted a satin black. Minimalist white furniture with bright teal accent pillows was artfully arranged around a crackling fire and above them an abstract looking chandelier added to the soft light. 

Dean felt abruptly conscious of the bloodstains on his jacket and the mud on his pants.  


A cheerful young man with a nametag that said “Phil” greeted them. 

“Reservation for Winchester,” Cas said, clearly unbothered by their relative scruffiness when compared to their surroundings.  


Phil typed into the computer and then gave them a bright smile. “The Opal Suite,” he said and if he was surprised that two so scruffy looking men had rented it out, he was professional enough to keep it hidden. “An excellent choice.” He pulled out a keycard and handed it to Cas. “You are going to take the elevator to the 8th floor and then turn right, your suite is at the end of the hall. Is there anything else that I can do for you?”  


Dean was blinking at Cas too hard to answer. A suite? The hotel was already way nicer than their usual. But a suite?  


Cas’ cheeks reddened as he avoided Dean’s gaze. “How late is your kitchen open?” he asked. “For room service.”  


“Until eleven,” Phil said with a warm smile. “Bar menu is available until one.”  


“Thank you,” Cas replied. He gave Dean a gentle tug on the waist and together they turned and walked to the elevator.  


“Cas,” Dean said as the elevator doors closed. “This place is...nice, _really_ nice. Are you sure-”  


“Am I sure I want to treat you to something nice after your ordeal?” Cas replied, giving him a look as he crowded him into the elevator wall.  


Dean’s breath caught in his throat at the way Cas was looking at him. The heat and hunger warred with worry and Dean moaned when Cas kissed him tenderly. 

“Please let me take care of you,” Cas whispered.  


“You always do, baby,” Dean said against his angel’s lips. “I just…” he blushed. “You don’t have to, you know...spoil me.”  


“But what if I want to?” Cas asked, kissing Dean’s cheek and out to his ear. “What if I want to spoil you, Dean?”  


Dean shivered, draping his arms over Cas’ shoulders. “Talking like I'm your boy toy, or something,” he managed to say.  


"Aren't you?" Cas murmured in his ear, making Dean's breath catch at the heat in his partner's voice. "You _are_ significantly younger than me." 

Dean tilted his head, giving Cas access to his throat as the angel laid a trail of kisses that managed to be scorching hot, despite being feather-light. "Cas!" he breathed, unable to keep from grinning. "You dirty old man." 

Cas chuckled, and the sound filled Dean with warmth as the elevator dinged and came to a stop. They held hands as they walked down the hallway and when Cas let them into the room, Dean let out an appreciative whistle. The room was done in calming grays and teals, with a window and balcony that looked out over Indianapolis. Fresh sunflowers sat on the table by the window. Next to him Cas opened a door and turned on the light, revealing a palatial bathroom with a massive walk-in shower and a tub easily big enough for both of them.  


Dean looked around, struggling with himself about what to do first. Part of him wanted to stuff his face until he couldn’t anymore, part of him ached to crawl into bed, and part of him wanted to get in the shower and run it so hot that it would scald every last trace of the awful past twenty-four hours from his body.  


“What would you like to do?” Cas asked gently, setting their bags down on the bureau. “Should I order food for us? Or-”  


“Shower,” Dean decided. “Then bath. Then maybe another shower. Then food. And then…” he pulled Cas against him and into a deep kiss that left them both breathless. “Or maybe that before food,” he said, his voice rough.  


“That sounds like a good plan,” Cas replied, his fingertips massaging Dean’s lower back and making him arch with a hiss. “However, I am going to order the food now, so that we do not get so caught up in...things that you do not eat.” He gave Dean a fond smile. “You get cranky when you don’t eat.”  


“I don’t get cranky,” Dean retorted, making Cas laugh.  


“Do you want to look at the menu?” Cas asked, but Dean was already shucking his clothes.  


“You know what I like,” Dean said over his shoulder. He caught Cas staring at his ass and grinned at his angel.  


Cas smiled back at him, making a point to look him up and down. “Yes,” he said in the low voice that always went straight to Dean’s cock. “I do.”  


Dean shivered and shot his partner a smile before dipping into the bathroom and turning on the shower. A bath sounded amazing, but he felt gross. He needed to shower first. To be fair, it was the fanciest shower that Dean had ever seen. The rainfall head all the way at the top was ringed with a calming blue LED light and several other square shower nozzles protruded from the wall. It took him a moment to figure out how it all worked, but once he had it going he switched off the bathroom light and stepped under the water. He hissed at the heat, but fuck if it didn’t feel good. He just let it hit him for awhile, listening to the muffled sound of Cas ordering their food. He loved the cadence of Cas’ voice and it was soothing to listen to as he reached for the soap and a washcloth. He began to wash himself, starting at his aching shoulders and neck and working his way down.  


But as he moved further down his body, he found himself slowing. His hands started to shake as he approached his belly. His breath came faster and faster and the edges of his vision began to get dark and fuzzy.  


_Nicest shower I’ve ever been in and I’m going to puke in it,_ he thought as the wave of nausea broke over him and found himself retching and gagging. His belly was empty, which was a blessing he supposed, and all that came up was bile.  


“Dean?”  


Dean shook his head, struggling to slow his breathing. He could feel the claws in his stomach, could feel the slippery warmth of his intestines in his hands. If he moved...if he moved they would spill out and he’d be _eaten_ and-  


“Dean.” And then Cas was there at his side in the shower, fully clothed and looking at Dean with raw worry in his eyes. “Can I touch you, love?” Cas asked, his eyes searching Dean’s face. “Or would that-”  


Dean was in Cas’ arms before the angel could finish speaking, burying his face in Cas’ neck with a shudder.  


“I’ve got you,” Cas said, his hands smoothing up and down Dean’s back. “I’m here, Dean.”  


Dean nodded, and in his angel’s arms he finally felt his breathing begin to slow down.  


“What happened?” Cas asked gently. “Are you in pain? Did I miss something when I healed you?”  


Dean shook his head and felt shame warring with panic. After everything he’d been through, how was it that werewolves of all things were giving him panic attacks?  


_When did I become so weak?_  


“I can’t-” he swallowed as his stomach twisted.  


_Just like the claws had twisted inside of him._  


His stomach lurched again and he gritted his teeth. “I just wanted to get clean,” he said miserably. “But I...when I got to my...my stomach I just...I _couldn’t_ , Cas. I can still feel my guts in my fucking hands and I-”  


“Shhhh,” Cas said softly, giving him a gentle hug. “I have got you, my love. I am so sorry that you had to experience that.”  


He sounded so miserable that Dean pulled back to look into his eyes. Guilt was scrawled across Cas’ face, even in the dim light, and Dean felt an answering surge of shame. He hadn’t wanted to make Cas feel badly. He knew that the angel blamed himself for what Dean had suffered. “It wasn’t your fault,” he said, leaning his forehead against Cas’. “I don’t know why it’s freaking me out so bad.”  


“I would say being ‘freaked out’ is a reasonable reaction to being disemboweled,” Cas said, holding him more tightly when Dean flinched.  


They held each other for a few long minutes before Dean forced himself to pull back and give Cas what he hoped passed for a sardonic smile. “I know that human customs are lost on you sometimes, angel,” he said, doing his best to keep his tone light. “But people are usually naked in the shower.”  


“I heard you gagging,” Cas said, his arms tightening around Dean. “I didn’t really think, I just wanted to come to you.”  


“Thank you,” Dean whispered, brushing his lips against Cas’ cheek. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Cas.”  


“You will never have to find out again,” Cas said and the intensity in his voice was at odds with how gentle his hands were as he rubbed his hands up and down slowly over Dean’s back. His words filled Dean with warmth and soothed some of the rough edges of fear within him. “Are you...what can I do?” Cas asked. “Do you need space? Do you want me to go?”  


The thought of Cas leaving had Dean’s heart pounding again and all he could do was shake his head and pull the angel’s shirt over his head. “Stay,” he rasped, unbuttoning Cas’ pants. The feeling of Cas’ naked body against him grounded him and he draped his arms over Cas’ shoulders and leaned against him. They held each other under the water, and after a few minutes Dean realized that they were swaying slowly back and forth. It made him think of the vision he’d had when he’d been Nevan’s prisoner, where he and Cas had been human and Cas had taught him to dance. It made him think of his dream of their wedding and dancing to Louie Armstrong. The images calmed him further and he found the panic beginning to ebb. He was home. He was safe. Cas had saved him. He always would. “I should take you dancing,” he said quietly, nuzzling Cas’ ear.  


He felt Cas’ answering pleased hum. “I would like that,” Cas said. He pulled back a little and gave Dean a long look. “Dean...do you want me to wash you?” he asked gently. “Would that...help?”  


“You don’t have to,” Dean protested weakly.  


“I want to,” Cas said, giving him a soft kiss.  


Dean nodded as they kissed and when he pulled back, Cas reached over and picked up Dean’s discarded washcloth, pouring a little more of the shower gel into it and working it into a lather. Then he began to wash Dean. He was slow and gentle, beginning at the base of Dean’s skull and slowly working his way down over Dean’s shoulders and down his back. He massaged the sore muscles between Dean’s shoulders, making Dean arch into his touch with a quiet moan. The moan turned into a deep groan of satisfaction as Cas moved to his lower back. “Fuck,” he whispered. “Fuck, Cas, that feels so good.”  


Cas kissed the corner of Dean’s lips as he slowly brought his hand around and began to wash Dean’s chest. “Is this all right?” the angel asked.  


Dean swallowed hard, nodding as Cas’ hand moved lower. He could feel himself tensing, and he knew Cas felt it too because the angel put his free hand on the back of Dean’s neck and pulled him closer, leaning their foreheads together. “Stay with me,” Cas said. “Stay here, Dean.”  


Dean nodded, tightening his arms around Cas’ neck.  


“Would it help if I took you into my mouth while I washed you?” Cas asked casually, startling a laugh out of Dean. When he met his angel’s eyes he knew that Cas was teasing him, doing his best to make Dean smile, rather than actually propositioning him. He was oddly grateful for that. As tired and freaked out as he was, he didn’t think he could perform to his usual standard. Still, he loved Cas for trying and did his best to respond in kind.  


“I mean, it couldn’t hurt,” Dean teased back weakly. His breath caught in his throat and he felt Cas’ fingers slide into his hair and stroke through gently. He was always so gentle with Dean, well, except during the times Dean didn’t want him to be, and thinking back over the day, Dean was forced to realize not for the first time that he occasionally allowed himself to forget his partner’s strength. Cas was a warrior in a way that was absolute and terrifying, but at the same time, he was Cas. He was an Angel, but he was Dean’s angel. “I don’t know how I got so lucky,” Dean heard himself say. “I don’t de-”  


“Shhhh,” Cas said softly. “Stop, Dean. You deserve to be cherished and protected. I am only sorry I failed in the latter today.”  


“You didn’t fail,” Dean argued, sliding one of his hands up into Cas’ hair and tugging it gently so the angel would look at him. “Do you hear me, Castiel? You saved me. You saved all of us.”  


“You were hurt,” Cas said stubbornly. He swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing as he looked into Dean’s eyes. “I _hate_ to see you hurt,” he said, his voice rough. “You have faced so much pain in your short life, Dean. I wish to-to shield you from experiencing more.”  


“Cas,” Dean rasped, pulling him in for a kiss. “Thank you. That-that means everything to me baby, but you gotta know that at a certain point you can’t.”  


“That does not mean that I can’t try,” Cas said against Dean’s lips before giving him a deep kiss that had Dean’s body, exhausted as it was, stirring. “Now stop distracting me, and let me wash you.”  


Dean mumbled something about who was actually causing the distraction, earning himself a quiet laugh from Cas as the angel resumed his ministrations. He was slow and thorough, meticulous in the way he often was when he was trying to drive Dean crazy. However, tonight it didn’t have that edge of desire to it. Cas simply wanted to help and was not going to be put off from it. He finished scrubbing Dean’s shoulders and arms, and went over his chest again before slowly moving down, his eyes not leaving Dean’s.  


His hand brushed over Dean’s belly and Dean flinched before he could stop himself. Immediately Cas stopped and kissed him. “I’ve got you,” Cas whispered, kissing Dean’s neck and down his chest. “You are safe, Dean. Stay with me.” He began to kiss down Dean’s body, his lips feather-light on Dean’s chest, down over his ribs. He skipped Dean’s belly for the moment, instead taking Dean’s hand and brought it to his hair as he knelt and began to wash Dean’s legs. He worked his way up, scrubbing and kneading the exhausted muscles. Dean let out a breathless laugh when Cas ran the washcloth over his ass and gave it a squeeze, and the sound turned to a moan when Cas gently took his cock in his hand and washed him. He did not linger there, it was clear he was not trying to play their usual game of seeing who could make the other crazy. Instead he continued to kiss up Dean’s body until his lips found the spot where Gideon had ripped him open. Dean heard himself let out a little whimper. He tightened his hand in Cas’ hair as the angel kissed back and forth along his belly.  


“Dean,” Cas said softly. “Breathe. It’s me. It’s us. You’re safe, love, I swear it.”  


Dean forced himself to open his eyes and found himself looking into the gorgeous blue eyes of his angel. The blue of the shower head LED made them seem to shine even brighter and Dean stroked his fingers through Cas’ hair, finding himself utterly captivated by his partner’s beauty. Normally having Cas kneeling in front of him that way would have had him as hard as a rock, but in that moment it had his eyes tearing up.  


“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered.  


Cas smiled up at him and kissed his belly again, his hands on Dean’s hips. “As are you,” Cas replied. “I love your body, Dean.” He kissed him again. “Every bit of it.” He kissed Dean’s hips and the front of his thighs. “You are perfect for me.”  


The tears were falling now, but Dean felt some of the tension begin to un-spool. He took Cas’ hand that was still holding the washcloth and brought it to his stomach, looking down into his angel’s eyes.  


“Are you sure?” Cas asked.  


Dean swallowed hard and nodded, and Cas held his eyes as he washed the area where Dean had been ravaged. Cas’ healing had been thorough, there wasn’t even a scar, but Cas washed him tenderly like there was one. When the angel finally rose, Dean was sniffling. Cas held him, murmuring to him quietly.  


“I should wash you,” Dean said after a few quiet moments. “Before we lose the hot water.”  


“You don’t have to,” Cas said, giving him a kiss.  


“I know,” Dean said, picking up a clean washcloth and putting some of the soap into it. “But I want to.” He tried to be as thorough and gentle as Cas had been, and it seemed he was successful because by the time he was done, Cas had a soft, dreamy look on his face and Dean was yawning. He shut off the water with a little sigh of regret and gave the tub a wistful look.  


“We can take a bath in the morning,” Cas said, catching his look. He picked up a thick towel and wrapped it around Dean, kissing his nose.  


“Gonna hold you to that,” Dean said as Cas grabbed his own towel.  


Cas gave him an over the top sultry smile that made Dean laugh. Together they dried off and Cas found them a pair of impossibly soft robes with the hotel’s logo on the breast. By the time Dean plopped down on the enormous, plush bed, he thought that he could probably sleep for a week.  


That was, until his stomach growled.  


Cas chuckled and kissed his cheek, pulling Dean’s head against his chest and handing him the remote. The bedside clock said it was a little after ten.  


“Food should be here in a few minutes,” Cas said, his fingertips trailing over Dean’s back. “I suspected that cleaning up would take some time, so I asked them to deliver it at ten thirty.”  


“Thank you, baby,” Dean said, tilting his face up for a kiss.  


They were still kissing when there was a knock on the door and a chipper female voice said: “Room Service!”  


Cas rose and went to the door, opening it with a smile. A petite blonde woman with a nametag that said “Wendy” rolled the room service cart into their room. “Is there anything else I can get you, gentlemen?” she asked as the heavily laden cart came to a stop.  


Cas fished a couple bills out of his wallet, shaking his head. “I think we have everything we need, thank you, Wendy.”  


“Just roll the cart into the hallway when you are done,” she said brightly. She flashed Cas a smile as she accepted the cash and Cas locked the door behind her when she left.  


Cas began to uncover dishes and Dean found himself smiling at the angel. Cas always ordered them more food than they could eat.  


There was flank steak with roasted potatoes, a shrimp pasta dish in a light sauce, roasted chicken with sweet potatoes and brussel sprouts, salad, and a very full bread basket.  


“They had burgers and pizza,” Cas said, glancing over at him. “But I was worried that something so heavy and greasy would not sit well.”  


“It’s perfect,” Dean said and meant it.  


Cas poured sparkling water into two wine glasses, giving Dean a stern look when he raised an eyebrow. “We should sleep before imbibing alcohol,” he said firmly.  


Dean grumbled, but accepted his glass of water anyway.  


They helped themselves and Dean had to admit, the food was pretty impressive. The flank steak was easily his favorite, though to his surprise the shrimp pasta was a close second. The light vinaigrette that dressed the salad was refreshing, and the rolls were so warm in the middle that they melted the butter.  


As good as it all was, Dean forced himself to stop eating before he normally would have. The last thing he wanted was to get sick. Cas set the bottle of sparkling water on the table and then wheeled the cart back towards the hallway. The corner caught the strap of Dean’s bag and pulled it to the ground, and the thermos tumbled out onto the floor. Cas picked it up with a quiet apology and Dean waved him over once he’d rolled the cart into the hall and locked the door.  


Cas handed him the thermos before sitting next to him on the bed and Dean turned it over in his hands, absently running his thumb over his name.  


“It was kind of Sonny to keep this for you,” Cas said, giving it a curious look.  


Dean nodded. “I had forgotten about it,” he said softly.  


“You seem sad,” Cas said, putting his arm around Dean’s waist.  


Dean took a shuddering breath. “This is from a pretty shitty moment in my life, Cas,” he said quietly, leaning against his angel.  


“You do not have to tell me, Dean,” Cas said gently. “But if you want to, I will _always_ listen.”  


“I _want_ to tell you,” Dean said, surprising himself. “I-I always want to share with you, Cas. It’s us.” _Loving him really **has** changed me._  


Cas leaned over and kissed his cheek softly. “I am here,” he said. “Whenever you are ready.”  


Dean was quiet for a moment, wondering how to start. “I was sixteen when I got sent to Sonny’s,” he said finally. “Sammy was twelve. And I...we had already seen so much more _shit_ than most people do in a lifetime.”  


“I would say that is still the case,” Cas said with a wry smile.  


Dean turned and gave Cas a soft kiss on the lips. “Brought me to you,” he said, loving how the tops of Cas’ cheeks colored. _I am such a sap_. “The thing is,” he continued after a moment of blissful kissing. “When you see so much weird, terrible shit, you sometimes forget how tragic normal life can be.” He looked down at the thermos. “There was this guy at school, in my grade, Cody. He was the star quarterback, he sang in the school choir, he was the leading man in the winter musical. Dude did everything. But he was... _nice_ , Cas, you know? You think popular jock and you think jerk but he was just...a really, really nice guy. He was one of the first people at school to learn my name.” He smiled sadly. “Made a point of inviting me to things, sitting with me at lunch. That kind of thing. He always went out of his way to be good to people, you know?”  


Cas nodded. 

“He drowned,” Dean said, his stomach lurching as he said the words. “A group of kids had gone tubing in the river and there’d been a lot of rain and he just...got swept away from the group. It was so...fucking sad. I didn’t cry much as a kid, not even when Dad railed on me but I _cried_ when Cody died. There wasn’t a monster to blame, there wasn’t anyone to be angry at, there was just...loss. And regret that I’d never thanked him for being such a nice dude.” His throat was tight. “It hit me then, really hit me that on top of all the shit and horror and tragedy that we see as Hunters...life could just...end for a totally ordinary reason.” He unscrewed the top of the thermos and tipped it, hearing the rustle of paper as three pieces of looseleaf slid out. He picked up the top one and read it in a voice that shook.

“I, Dean Winchester, being of sound mind and body do leave my stuff to my little brother SAMMY WINCHESTER.

1 Bowie Knife, Leather Sheath  


1 Sawed off shotgun  


1 Flask  


1 leather jacket, brown”

He trailed off with a bitter little laugh. “What kind of kid writes his will?” Dean asked, flipping the paper over. On the other side was the letter he had written Sam. Holding it in his hands, he remembered how he had agonized over every word. He must have written the letter six times before finally settling on the version he held. He remembered the cramp in his hand as he did his best to make his normally messy writing neat and legible. His eyes scanned the paper and he found that he couldn’t bring himself to read it aloud. Suddenly he was sixteen and crouched over his desk at Sonny’s.

_Dear Sammy,_

_If you’re reading this, I guess that means I’m dead. Sucks, huh. It’s ok. You don’t remember, but Mom always said that after we die we go to Heaven. I bet there’s at least one hot angel to make things interesting._

_Well, I was right about that part, at least,_ Dean thought, glancing over at his partner before turning back to the letter.

_Sammy...I don’t think I’ve ever seen you more excited than when your English teacher gave you those college pamphlets you’ve got hidden in your geometry book. I think that’s your future, little brother, not Hunting. You need to get out, no matter what Dad wants you to do. You are smarter than both of us and you could probably be a doctor or a lawyer or some shit. You can be MORE than just a Hunter who dies like I did._

_I guess I just...I just want you to know that your brother wanted that for you. No matter how much of a dick I was sometimes. You’re special, Sammy. And I want you to be happy._

_I’m sorry I won’t be there to see you graduate. I’m sorry that I won’t be able to help you be less awkward with girls or teach you how to fix the Impala._

_I’m just sorry, Sammy. I’m sorry. For all of it._

_You need someone to look out for you and I can’t be there and it sucks, but you gotta be a man now and take care of yourself and Dad. I’m leaving you a couple of things that should help._

_Feels weird writing this like I’m some kinda girl but...I love you Sammy._  


_I’m sorry._  


_Dean_

His throat was tight as he handed the letter to Cas and moved on to the next one.

_Dear Bobby,_

_Please take care of Sammy. Make sure that he goes to college. Even if Dad hates it. Thanks for everything. Your biscuits and gravy were always the best._

_You are the best._

_Love,_  


_Dean_

The final letter took only an instant to read over, and he heard himself give a bitter little laugh before handing it to Cas.

_Dear Dad,_

_I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough to get out alive. Please let Sammy go to college. It's what Mom would have wanted._

_Dean_

He remained quiet while Cas finished reading. The angel tenderly returned the letters to the thermos when he was done and then leaned over and took Dean into his arms. “Oh my love,” he whispered, his voice rough. “Dean...I _hate_ with every fiber of my being that you felt that you had to write these letters. That was too great a burden for a child.” He cocked his head. “I have to admit to a little surprise that you were as openly supportive of Sam going to college.” 

Dean snorted. “I wish I could say it was just...I don’t know, altruism on my part.” He sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, Cas, some part of me knew even then how smart Sammy was and that part, the part of me that was...was _Mom’s_ son wanted Sammy to get out and have a _life_ And if I was dead, well, he wouldn’t be leaving me behind anymore.” He glanced up at his angel, hesitant to admit the other piece that he knew to be true. “But Cas, you gotta remember that at the time...I was _pissed_ at my dad for leaving me at Sonny’s, no matter how happy I was there. He hung me out to dry and I was just so damn _angry_ at him.” 

“And Sam going to college would be a blow to him,” Cas said. “It _was_ a blow to him, when it did happen.” 

Dean flinched, but forced himself to nod. “Yeah,” he said with a little shrug. “I hope that doesn’t, I don’t know, change how you see me. The letters were a good thing I did, even if I did it for the wrong reasons.” 

“Not entirely the wrong reasons, I think,” Cas said, cupping Dean’s cheek. “And of course it doesn’t change anything, Dean. If anything, it makes me admire you more knowing that the foundations for the man that you are were in place, even then.” He kissed Dean’s cheek. “You were thoughtful.” His lips moved to Dean’s other cheek. “Protective.” He pulled Dean’s head down and kissed his forehead. “Stronger than you had any business being.” He looked Dean in the eyes and then leaned in, giving him a slow, tender kiss on the lips. “You have always been driven by love, Dean Winchester. Even with those who did not deserve your loyalty.” 

“Damn it, Cas,” Dean whispered as tears began to trickle down his face. “You’re too good to me.” He threw his arms around his angel and let Cas lie him back down on the bed. The robes came off somewhere along the way, but there wasn’t their usual heat behind it. Instead it was sweet, comforting as they cuddled naked under the covers. Cas pulled Dean’s head against his chest and his cool fingers trailed through Dean’s hair and along his back.  


“There is no such thing as too good to you, Dean,” Cas said, and the sincerity in his voice made Dean ache. “You deserve everything, love. _Everything._ ”  


“I have everything that I need right here,” Dean said, pulling Cas’ down for a kiss that started soft and sweet and rapidly began to develop heat. He rolled backwards, pulling Cas on top of him. “ _You're_ everything to me, Cas,” he whispered against Cas’ lips.  


His angel wiped his tears away before kissing him again. “Dean-”  


“Cas…” Dean looked up into the gorgeous blue eyes. “All the shit I’ve seen, everything I’ve been through…” he swallowed hard. He _had_ to say it. He had to make sure Cas knew. “It brought me here,” he said in a rush. “And I’d do it all again, all of it, even Hell, if I knew that this was at the end of it.”  


Cas’ eyes had gotten abruptly shiny and tears began to trickle down as the angel kissed Dean again. “Dean,” he whispered, stroking his thumbs over Dean’s cheeks. “I hope that you know that I would as well.”  


Dean kissed him hard, parting his lips and accepting Cas’ tongue with a moan as he clutched his partner to himself as hard as he could. He was hard, they were both hard, but that didn’t matter, nothing mattered except the feeling of their skin touching and the warmth of their kiss.  


Cas’ lips were soft as they kissed away his tears and Dean did his best to do the same to his partner. He felt clumsy, but he didn’t care, because Cas was smiling that smile through his tears and his hands, so strong and powerful, cradled Dean’s face with tenderness that somehow burned away the rest of the world.  


“I love you, Dean,” Cas whispered, leaning his forehead against Dean’s. “With all of my heart and what passes for my soul.” He leaned in and kissed Dean’s neck, flicking his tongue against where Dean’s pulse was beating increasingly rapidly. “And certainly with all of my body.”  


Dean let out a breathless laugh that quickly turned into a moan as Cas continued to kiss down his neck. “All of your body, eh?” he asked, running his fingertips over Cas’ shoulders and back.  


“I am yours, Dean,” Cas said. His lips curled into a smile that was somehow so sexy, but so sweet at the same time. “I am all,” he kissed over Dean’s heart. “Yours,” he whispered, kissing just below Dean’s ribs.  


He slid down slowly, his glorious eyes locked on Dean’s as he laid a trail of tender kisses down Dean’s body until his lips were poised just over Dean’s belly. “Is this all right, love?” he asked.  


Dean swallowed hard, feeling the surge of memories that he knew were going to be responsible for a whole new group of nightmares. He nodded, reaching down to run his fingers through Cas’ hair. 

“Yeah,” he rasped. “I trust you, Cas.”  


“I do not want to push you unnecessarily,” Cas said.  


“You’re not,” Dean said. “I’m ok, baby.” He swallowed hard. “I want…” he hesitated, unsure how to put what he needed in words. “I want to-to-”  


“To take their power away?” Cas asked softly, reaching up and lacing his fingers through Dean’s. “As we did with Leviathan and kneeling?”  


Dean took a shuddering breath and nodded, beyond grateful that Cas got there without him having to say much.  


“I will go slowly,” Cas said, bringing Dean’s hand to his lips and kissing the back of it. “Please just...stop me if you are afraid at all.”  


“‘Kay,” Dean whispered.  


Cas held his eyes as he leaned in and brushed his lips over the area just above Dean’s belly button. Dean heard himself let out a little gasp as he curled in on himself and immediately Cas pulled back, giving him a worried look.  


“It’s ok,” Dean said, gritting his teeth. “I’m ok, Cas. I’m ok.”  


“No, you aren’t,” Cas said, sliding back up Dean’s body and curling up next to him. He pulled Dean against him, nudging him into being the little spoon as he wrapped his arms around him. “And it is all right that you aren’t.” He kissed Dean’s cheek, nuzzling behind his ear.  


Dean felt his throat get tight as he turned his head, catching Cas’ lips in a kiss. “I want to be,” he said and Cas’ arms tightened around him.  


“Rome was not built in a day,” Cas said and Dean could hear the soft, sweet smile on his face. “Trust me, I was there.”  


Dean couldn’t help but smile back. He closed his eyes and cuddled back against Cas, loving the feeling of his angel against his back. Despite himself, he yawned.  


“You need to rest,” Cas said firmly. “You have been through an ordeal.”  


“Here I was hoping to show you a good time,” Dean teased halfheartedly; they both knew he was too tired.  


“I am reasonably certain that you would fall asleep,” Cas said, kissing the back of Dean’s neck. “Rest, love, and do what you will with me tomorrow.”  


Dean shivered, he couldn’t help it, and his heart melted at how quickly Cas' hugged him more tightly. “Cas,” he whispered, his throat dry. “Please...please don’t let me go tonight.”  


Cas pulled the blanket up to Dean’s chin just the way he liked and shifted behind him, clearly getting comfortable. “You have my word, Dean,” he said, gently turning Dean’s head so he could kiss his lips. “I’ll be right here.” 

"You'll just wait there, then?" Dean teased sleepily, closing his eyes and allowing himself to relax into Cas' arms.

The low rumble of Cas' laugh against his back was the last thing he heard as sleep finally dragged him under. 

He was safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that this read as authentic and that you all enjoyed it. Thank you for sticking with me as we barrel ever closer to 200K words. This thing is a leviathan all it's own and I appreciate you all so much for reading and sharing your lovely comments. 
> 
> Stay safe and well. 
> 
> All the love,  
> ~SLN


	27. I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff and Smut, that is all. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "I'm Not Afraid" by Eminem

Dean flopped back onto the pillows with a groan.  


“Pleased?” he heard Cas ask over the sound of the room service cart being rolled back into the hallway. The door shut and then he felt Cas’ weight on the bed next to him. His eyes still closed, Dean turned towards his partner and snuggled against his side.  


“You really do spoil me,” Dean murmured, pulling Cas’ robe to the side and kissing his chest. “That was awesome. I want to ask their cook for their pancake recipe.”  


Cas smiled and kissed the top of his head. “Sated?” he asked, and Dean heard just the hint of an edge in his voice.  


Dean cracked an eyelid and grinned back up at his angel, sliding his hand into Cas’ robe and down his belly. He loved the way Cas gasped his name as he brushed his fingers over his partner’s cock. 

“Not even close,” he growled.  


A shudder went through Cas’ body and Dean smiled, flicking his tongue against Cas’ nipple just to hear him moan.  


“You sound so good,” Dean said, planting a kiss against Cas’ ribs.  


“Dean...you don’t have to do this,” Cas gasped as Dean worked his way down.  


“Did you have something else in mind?” Dean retorted.  


He should have known better.  


He found himself on his back in an instant with Cas hovering over him, a sultry smile on his face. “And if I do?” Cas asked, leaning in and giving Dean a sloppy kiss on the neck.  


Dean arched into his touch, moaning.  


“What if I want to taste you?” Cas continued, dragging his tongue down Dean’s chest and over his nipple before sucking on it hard. “What if I want to take you into my mouth and bring you to fruition and take away every last ounce of stress and worry from your body until you're nothing but a completely wrung out, exhausted puddle of human?”  


“Sweet merciful fuck, Cas,” Dean breathed, a powerful shudder going through his whole body. “Fuck, you drive me crazy, angel!” The thought of Cas doing those things made him ache with need, but the second Cas’ lips brushed his stomach, Dean found himself recoiling away from his partner’s touch.  


Cas stopped immediately, rolling to the side and looking at him with wide eyes. “Dean?”  


“God damn it!” Dean growled, sitting up and burying his face in his hands.. “Damn it! Fuck…”  


He felt the bed shift as Cas’ weight settled next to him. The angel didn’t touch him and when he spoke, his voice was full of guilt. “I am sorry, Dean,” Cas said quietly. “I did not mean to scare you. I was just...I just wanted-”  


“I know,” Dean said into his hands. “I know, Cas. It’s me who’s sorry; you didn’t do anything wrong.”  


“Can I touch you?” Cas asked. “I just want to hold you.”  


Dean didn’t answer, just turned and rested his head on Cas’ shoulder. The angel took him into his arms and laid them back, murmuring endearments to Dean as he rubbed his back and shoulders. Dean took a deep breath, feeling the familiar sensation of anger uncoiling inside him, and oddly, it helped. He had faced too much and come out the other side to let a stupid fucking werewolf keep him and Cas from enjoying each other.  


“Cas,” he rasped.  


“Yes, love?” Cas asked, his lips brushing over Dean’s forehead.  


“Try again,” Dean said more surely than he felt. Damn if he was going to lose the intimacy he had fought so long and hard to have with Cas. That would break him more surely than anything.  


“Are you sure?” Cas asked, his voice full of worry.  


“Yeah,” Dean said, tilting his head up and catching Cas’ lips in a fierce kiss. “Please, Cas,” he said. “I can’t…” the words stuck in his throat, filling him with panic. “I can’t _lose_ this, Cas!” he blurted out. “I can’t lose being us because of that son-of-a-bitch.”  


“He could _never_ take that away from us, love,” Cas said firmly, cupping Dean’s cheek and kissing him hard. The kiss lingered, and Dean found himself relaxing a little into it as he tugged Cas back on top of him. “We will _always_ be us, Dean,” Cas said against his lips before kissing Dean’s forehead and slowly leaving a trail of kisses all over his face. He kept going until Dean was laughing and swatting him away and it was sweet and it was silly, and Dean found himself able to breathe a little easier. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, tangling his hands in Cas’ hair. “For being you.”  


Cas shrugged and leaned in, giving the place where Dean’s jaw and neck met a kiss that was decidedly less sweet. “It is all I know how to be,” he said as his fingers slid into Dean’s hair and tipped it back, baring more of his neck. “Thank you for trusting me,” he said. He pulled back and looked down into Dean’s eyes. “I have an idea,” he said, sitting up and pulling Dean up with him. He scooted back and leaned against the headboard, pulling Dean against him. He reached over and grabbed the remote, flicking on the TV. Dean heard himself let out a little laugh.  


Scooby-Doo was playing.  


He felt Cas’ hands on his shoulders as the angel began to massage him and Dean couldn’t help but let out a groan as his partner’s strong hands found the corded knots. “Fuck me, Cas, that feels amazing,” he breathed.  


“Perhaps in a bit,” Cas teased gently, nipping Dean’s ear.  


Dean shivered, tilting his head back. “Cas,” he whispered.  


“Relax,” Cas said, kissing his cheek. “Let me care for you. Watch our friend the talking dog solve mysteries.”  


Dean chuckled, resting his hands on Cas’ knees beneath the blankets as they watched the episode together. Cas was thorough, he was always thorough, and he put his not inconsiderable strength to work massaging all of the tension out of Dean’s neck, shoulders, and back.  


Dean eventually found himself with his back flush against Cas’ chest, letting out happy sounds as Cas trailed his fingers through Dean’s hair and down his arms. “Didn’t even have to touch my cock to make me a puddle of human,” Dean teased quietly, earning him a soft laugh and a kiss on the cheek. “Where did you learn that?” he asked.  


“I learned some of it in India, roughly five-thousand years ago,” Cas said as casually as if he was saying he’d taken a class at the local community college. “Some in Egypt, China, and Japan. A little bit in Greece.”  


Dean glanced over his shoulder. “Is that all?” he asked, a little wide-eyed.  


Cas shrugged. “Humans have good ideas on occasion,” he replied.  


“Have you been practicing?” Dean asked, and flinched when it came out a little sharper than he’d intended. He wasn’t _like_ that. He wasn’t a jealous man.  


“You are the _only_ person I care to have my hands on,” Cas breathed into his ear in a voice that dripped with need and went straight to Dean’s cock. His hand slid down from Deans shoulder, trailing back and forth across his chest before slipping down to his ribs. “Only _you_ , Dean. You are the only person who I wish to apply those skills to. You are the only one who I care to make moan...in any capacity.”  


“Fuck,” Dean whispered, his back involuntarily arching. “You don't have to worry about that, Cas. You do.”  


“I am glad," Cas said and Dean was pretty sure he wasn't imaging hearing a note of smugness in Cas' voice. "I do quite like making you moan.” Cas licked his ear before catching his earlobe between his teeth and giving it a tug.  


Dean shivered, he couldn’t help it. “Castiel,” he whispered, his voice ridiculously rough. He felt Cas shudder and knew it was in response to Dean using his full name. “No one has ever made me like this. _Definitely_ no one has ever made me as loud as you do.”  


Cas kissed his cheek, turning Dean’s face towards him and giving him a soft kiss on the lips. Cas’ cheeks were adorably pink as he rubbed his nose against Dean’s. “Really?” he asked, a note of uncertainty in his voice that made Dean ache.  


Dean nodded, parting his lips and eagerly accepting Cas’ tongue as the angel kissed him again. “Really,” he rasped when they breathlessly parted for air.  


Cas nuzzled the back of his neck and took him in his arms, hugging him tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered, his breath warm and wet against Dean’s ear. “For being this way with me.”  


“Thank you for the same,” Dean said, closing his eyes.  


“Admittedly, not so many people have tried to make me moan,” Cas said and Dean heard himself let out a choked laugh. “But I cannot imagine that anyone else could ever make me feel as you do.”  


“I kinda feel like you’re calling me a man-whore,” Dean teased, taking hold of Cas’ arms and pulling them more tightly around himself.  


“Merely more experienced,” Cas said with a little consternation.  


Dean laughed and felt his partner relax. “My hound dog days are over, Cas,” he said, turning and looking up at Cas. The gentle love scrawled across Cas’ face made his eyes burn as tears threatened. He had never in his life imagined being loved that way. “I’m thoroughly domesticated.”  


Cas frowned, his brow furrowing. “Dogs _are_ domesticated,” he said. “That statement is redundant.”  


Dean snorted and grumbled something about overly-literal angels before pulling Cas in for another kiss. They touched each other tenderly through it, hands roaming all over each other's bodies as the kiss deepened. Soon Dean found himself turned halfway around with his lower back against the inside of Cas' thigh and both of his legs slung over Cas' other leg. The position made him feel vulnerable, but in a way that was oddly comforting. He felt closed in and...protected.  


“I love you, Dean,” Cas said, his hand resting at Dean’s hip.  


“I love you too, Cas,” Dean said. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steady himself before reaching for Cas’ hand, bringing it down to his belly. He swallowed hard, looking up into the gorgeous eyes of his angel. “I’m yours.”  


Cas nodded and began to touch him, only the barest brush of his fingertips over Dean’s belly. They trailed over the spot where Gideon had cut into him and Dean felt himself tense.  


“Shhhh,” Cas whispered, his lips fluttering against Dean’s cheek. “Stay with me, Dean. You are safe, love. You are so safe.”  


“I know,” Dean said, reaching up and tangling his fingers in Cas’ hair. “I know I am.” _Safe. Home. It's going to be ok. It's all going to be ok._  


“I will take care of you,” Cas continued, applying just a little more pressure as he nuzzled Dean’s neck. “Because I love you.” A feral note crept into Cas’ voice that gave Dean chills. “And because you are mine.”  


Dean shuddered, nodding his head. “All yours,” he said.  


Cas continued to touch him, whispering to him quietly as he ran his hands back and forth over Dean’s belly. “You are so strong, Dean,” he said, leaning his head against Dean’s.  


Dean wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but it wasn’t that. He felt his throat tighten. “I don’t feel like I am,” he admitted in a barely audible voice.  


“That is because you never see the good in yourself,” Cas said. “But here you are, a day after your ordeal, allowing me to touch you.” He let out a little snort and kissed Dean’s cheek. “And that is not even considering the many horrors that you have witnessed or had inflicted upon you. Yet you remain here, and sane.” He paused, his lips quirking. “Well, sane for Winchester.”  


Dean stuck out his tongue, which Cas took as an invitation to kiss him again. This one was deeper as the angel lay him back on the bed and stretched out on top of him. “I am inspired by your resilience, Dean. I always have been.”  


Dean blushed and tried to look away, but Cas caught his chin and made him meet his eyes. “I watched you after I raised you from the Pit,” he said quietly. “That you so quickly integrated back into human life...it was truly awe-inspiring. You should be proud of your strength, Dean.”  


“I’m stronger with you,” Dean said, giving Cas a tight hug.  


“As I am with you,” Cas said, nuzzling into his neck before beginning to kiss his way down Dean’s body.  


Instead of closing his eyes, as he often did, Dean watched his partner as he kissed and licked over Dean’s ribs and down to his stomach. There Cas paused, looking up at him questioningly.  


Dean swallowed hard and nodded, and heard himself gasp quietly as Cas’ tongue flickered out over his stomach, immediately followed by his lips.  


“I have you,” Cas said, his hands resting on Dean’s hips as he covered Dean’s belly with kisses. He glanced up, giving Dean a sultry smile. “I would like to have you.”  


Dean let out a breathless laugh, reaching down to run his fingers through Cas’ hair. “Oh yeah?” he challenged. He felt goosebumps rise on his skin at the look that Cas gave him.  


“Always,” Cas growled, dipping his head down and giving the dripping head of Dean’s cock a kiss.  


“Cas!” Dean hissed, arching his back as the angel began to suck him slowly, his glorious eyes never leaving Dean’s.  


Cas pulled back, letting Dean slip from his mouth and gave him a tentative smile. “Is this ok?”  


Dean took a deep breath and nodded, moaning as Cas took him into his mouth once more. As he sucked, Cas trailed his fingertips over Dean’s side, slowly bringing them down over his belly. The flare of tension lasted only a second, and then Dean was lost in the feeling of Cas sucking him hard and fast.  


“Cas!” he whimpered as Cas played with his balls with his free hand. “Cas, please!”  


“Please what, Dean?” Cas asked, breathing a little heavily as he pulled back. “What do you need?”  


Dean blushed and felt like a dork for it. “Can we...you know?” _How many times have we done it since the first time and I’m still acting like a nervous teenager._  


Cas’ answering smile was soft and sweet. “Make love?” he asked.  


Dean nodded. After everything, after all the pain and fear, all he wanted was to feel that closeness with Cas.  


Cas slid up his body and kissed him, cupping his cheeks. “Are you sure?” he asked.  


Dean nodded and found himself smiling as he watched Cas stand up and retrieve their lube. He loved the grace with which Cas moved and in those moments where his partner was naked and Dean could see the subtle shift of his muscles beneath his skin, Dean was reminded of the fact that as soft and sweet as Cas was with him, his partner was a warrior who possessed strength often hidden behind the gentleness of his voice or touch.  


“What is it?” Cas asked, cocking his head.  


“You’re hot,” Dean said, distilling his thoughts down to their essence with a shrug. “You’re...you’re gorgeous, Cas. I hope you know that.”  


Cas blushed all the way down to his neck as he crawled back into bed with Dean. “So are you,” he said, giving Dean a slow, sloppy kiss that left them both breathless. “Just the sight of you drives me to distraction,” he said in a low, husky voice. “I am glad that I can at least now bring myself to fruition at the thought of you. It does make the nights go faster.”  


Dean couldn’t help but smile, nipping Cas’ lower lip as he reached down and wrapped his hand around Cas’ cock. “I’d much rather you let me do it,” he said, earning him a breathless laugh.  


“You are like a bear when I wake you up during the night,” Cas said, his hips moving as Dean stroked him.  


“You get yourself off at night often, angel?” Dean asked, stroking faster. He let out a disgruntled grumble when Cas grabbed his wrist and pulled it away from his cock.  


“If you continue, I won’t be able to make love to you,” Cas said, breathing hard. “And I wouldn’t say _often_ , but it does happen.”  


“What do you think about?” Dean asked as the angel applied lube to both of them. He gasped at Cas’ touch as Cas teased him open, loving how Cas worked him with his fingers. Cas had gotten good at making Dean cum that way, but right then he was careful not to bring Dean too close to the edge. When they were both ready, Cas kissed Dean’s lips softly. “I will tell you when I am inside of you,” he whispered and Dean moaned, his cock twitching.  


“Fuck, you make me crazy,” he gritted out.  


Cas grinned at him and then gave him a little nudge. “I would like to be cutlery,” he said and it took Dean a minute to realize that Cas was talking about spooning.  


“Spooning, Cas,” Dean said, choking on a laugh. “It’s called-” Cas kissed him hard, reaching down and stroking Dean’s cock as he began to kiss and nibble at Dean’s neck. “Fuck...fuck it doesn’t matter, Cas just _do_ it!”  


Cas’ pleased rumble warmed Dean down to his toes and he was quick to roll over and let Cas spoon him. They lay that way for a moment with Cas caressing every bit of Dean’s skin before the angel took hold of Dean’s leg and lifted it slightly.  


Dean moaned as Cas eased into him, turning his head so that he could kiss his angel. Cas was gentle, he was always gentle, and he took his time sliding into Dean. Dean knew that Cas was even more worried than usual about hurting him, and he loved him for it. “Cas,” he breathed when his partner was inside him completely.  


“I love you,” Cas said, nuzzling the back of Dean’s neck as he wrapped his arms around him.  


“You too, Cas,” Dean replied. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he ran his fingers over Cas’ arms. They lay that way for awhile, neither one of them moving or speaking, just enjoying the sensation of their bodies joined together. It was Cas who broke the silence as he began to stroke his hand in slow, light circles over Dean’s stomach.  


“You asked what I think about in the middle of the night when I bring myself to fruition,” he said and Dean moaned quietly, reaching back to twine his fingers through Cas’ hair. “I think about how it feels to have my hands on your body,” he said and Dean could hear the smile in his voice as Cas continued to touch him all over his chest and belly. “I think about how it feels to be as one with you, and how good you feel around me.” His tongue flicked against Dean’s ear, making his breath catch. “I think about how you move when I am inside you, how tight you are around me, and the way you sound when I enter you just... _so._ ” He rocked his hips and Dean groaned as Cas’ cock rubbed up against all the right places inside of him. Behind him Cas chuckled quietly, the sound making Dean shiver as Cas continued to move slowly.  


“Do you,” Dean swallowed hard, trying to collect his thoughts. “Do you ever think about things we haven’t done yet?” he asked, his cheeks warming.  


“You are asking if I fantasize about having you in new ways?” Cas asked, nipping Dean’s earlobe. “Don't you?”  


Dean nodded, grateful that laying as they were Cas couldn’t see how much he was blushing. “Yeah,” he rasped. “Yeah, I do.”  


“Tell me what you think about,” Cas ordered, and there was no mistaking that it was an order, however gentle. Hearing that domineering edge in Cas’ voice somehow helped Dean feel a little more comfortable sharing, he found himself speaking more easily than he would have expected.  


“Positions,” Dean admitted. “I like thinking about you on top, riding my cock so I can watch you.” Cas’ soft little gasp went straight to Dean’s cock and he heard himself grunt.  


“I would like to have you the same way,” Cas said, his voice rough. “Any others?”  


Dean laughed, reaching down to stroke his cock mostly so that Cas would swat his hand away and touch him.  


The angel didn’t disappoint, growling softly as he licked and nipped Dean’s neck and began to stroke him slowly.  


“Cas,” Dean managed to say as his body moved in response to his angel’s touch. “I think it’d be quicker to go through the things I _haven’t_ imagined us doing.”  


Cas laughed and kissed Dean’s cheek. “Fair," he said. "And true for me as well. Are there any particular favorites?”  


Dean, lost in how Cas was touching him, was slow to respond and he yelped when Cas nipped his neck. “Ok, ok!” He swallowed hard, turning his head to kiss Cas. “I…” he blushed and Cas deepened the kiss, caressing Dean’s tongue with his own.  


“You can tell me,” Cas said against his lips. “Nothing between us need ever cause you shame, Dean.”  


“I know,” Dean said, warmth filling his heart. He rubbed his nose against Cas’. “Thank you.” He took a deep breath. “You remember that...that one we watched with Brody and Diego?”  


“We have watched many of Brody and Diego,” Cas said, smiling. “That is how I came to find out that you prefer when I am telling you what to do.”  


Dean thought his face might actually catch on fire he was blushing so hard and he kissed Cas to cover it. “The one that’s an hour long,” he muttered against Cas’ lips. “The one we bought a subscription to the site for.”  


“The one where Brody is Diego's employee,” Cas said, his cheeks also coloring. “And Diego catches him watching pornography during working hours.”  


“That’s the one,” Dean somehow managed to say. _How am I having this conversation right now and not actually shriveling up with embarrassment?_ But the fact was...he _wasn't_. Yes, he felt a little embarrassed by his admission, but at the same time, at the same time it was _exciting_. Cas' hand tighted fractionally around him and Dean arched into his touch with a moan. Yep, definitely _not_ shriveling up with embarrassment.  


“Diego does a number of things to Brody in that one,” Cas said and Dean could hear the sultry smile on his face. “We have done some of them. I have tied you up before. I have made you wait and beg for release.” He slowed the motion of his hand and Dean whimpered, rocking his hips, chasing the sensation just as he knew Cas wanted him to. “I could do that now, if you would like.”  


_How does he get me this worked up so fast?_ Dean thought as he shook his head a little more desperately than he would have liked and he heard Cas let out a soft rumble of laughter as the angel began to stroke him again.  


“However,” Cas continued, concentrating his strokes on the top half of Dean’s cock, making Dean’s belly tighten as the tension coiled within him. “I have not forced you to spend an entire workday with a vibrating toy I control through an app on my phone inside of you.”  


“Nope, definitely haven’t done that,” Dean said, his voice rough. _God to have him have me the way Diego takes Brody...that intense and powerful...all of my everything just at his mercy...fuck me, is that what I want? Is that what **he** would want?_  


“I think I would like that,” Cas said and Dean could _hear_ the raw desire in the angel's voice. 

_Sweet merciful fuck, he **does**._ And Dean knew that as long as Cas wanted him that way, he wanted it too. He wanted _everything_. _Is there anything that I **wouldn’t** let him do?_ At this point, he wasn't sure that there was, but he felt unbelievably secure in the knowledge that if he found something, Cas would take it off the table immediately without ever bringing it up again. _How did I get so lucky?_  


“Did you also want me to put my tie around your throat and use it to restrict your breathing?” Cas asked, his voice low and rough as he began to stroke Dean faster.  


Dean moaned, overwhelmed by the combination of the feeling and the image and found himself nodding. He felt a shudder go through Cas’ body behind him and he knew that the idea appealed to his angel as well. In a development that had surprised them both, it had become clear Cas _really_ enjoyed taking control when they were being more...adventurous in their lovemaking. Dean had no doubt that his angel would give up the control if Dean asked for it, and he had once or twice, but he'd be lying if he said that there wasn't something about having Cas tell him what to do that brought things to a whole different level for him. He loved the way Cas' voice dropped when he took on that role, and maybe that was what it was, ultimately. Cas was accustomed to being in charge. To being in control. It wasn't so much a role as another facet of his angel. It was always _Cas_. It was always his angel.  


“When we get home,” Cas promised, nuzzling Dean’s neck. “I promise I will do all manner of things to you.” He laid a series of tender kisses along Dean’s jaw. “But while we are here...let me simply make love to you.”  


Dean sighed happily, even as Cas’ words sent a little thrill of excitement through him. “I love you, Cas,” he said, turning and kissing Cas’ lips tenderly.  


“I love you, too, Dean,” Cas murmured, pulling Dean against him a little more firmly and rocking his hips as he stroked Dean’s cock.  


“Cas!” Dean arched his back, moaning as Cas filled him completely. “Fuck, baby you feel so good!”  


“So do you,” Cas growled into his ear. “You feel amazing, Dean, better than I could have ever imagined.” His voice abruptly turned soft as he snuggled into Dean’s neck. “I am the luckiest man in creation to know what it is to be one with you.”  


“Cas!” Dean whimpered, his eyes burning as tears threatened. “I’m the lucky one, angel.” He found himself reaching down and pulling Cas’ hand off of his cock, putting it against his belly instead. “I don’t care about cumming, Cas,” he said, surprised to find that it was so. _Man, if you'd told me ten years ago that I would **ever** say that..._ “I just need to feel you.”  


“I am here, Dean,” Cas said, splaying his hand over Dean’s stomach as he slowly rocked his hips back and forth. “I have you, my love,” he said quietly. “I have you.”  


Dean closed his eyes, focusing on the sensation of Cas filling him and the way Cas was stroking his belly. Cas' touch was somehow both soothing and electrifying all at once. “Thank you, Sweetheart,” he whispered, putting his hand over Cas’ and lacing their fingers together. It was slow, much slower than usual, and the whole time he was moving, Cas was talking quietly to Dean.  


“You are beautiful, Dean Winchester,” Cas said, his breath warm in Dean’s ear. “You are the most beautiful person in creation to me and meeting you was worth all of the pain I have ever endured.”  


Dean’s breath hitched and Cas tightened his arms around him.  


“You are my home, love,” Cas said and that was enough to make tears began to trickle down Dean's face.  


“Cas,” he rasped. “You’re making me cry. I don’t deserve you.”  


“It is I who am undeserving,” Cas said, kissing his cheek. “But I do not want you to cry. I want you to be happy and contented.” He paused and Dean could hear the smile in his voice. “Though, of course, I would like for you to be sated as well.”  


“Cas,” Dean moaned, loving the feeling of their bodies moving together. Cas’ hand was gentle on his belly, stroking him lightly as the angel began to move a little faster. Dean felt his body responding, following Cas’ lead as they chased their pleasure together. Cas’ hand slid from Dean’s belly to his hip, pulling Dean back on his cock firmly. Dean could tell from Cas’ grip that the angel was fighting to remain gentle and he couldn’t help but tighten around Cas, just to hear him moan.  


“Dean!”  


Dean smiled, reaching up again to tangle his fingers in Cas’ hair. “Yeah?”  


Cas’ answering moan was soft and sweet. “Dean...I am close.”  


“Already?” Dean teased, earning himself a rueful laugh from his angel.  


“Take it as a compliment,” Cas replied, nipping his neck and making him gasp.  


Dean let out a breathless laugh, nodding his head as Cas laid a series of searing kisses along his neck and the top of his shoulder.  


“Cas,” Dean groaned, feeling the motion of his hips speeding up as he chased a release. “Cas, I want you to cum in me!”  


He felt the shudder go through Cas’ body as Cas tightened his arms around him. “Are you sure?” Cas asked and Dean knew in his heart that if he said he wasn’t, Cas would stop without another word about it.  


“Yeah,” he replied, giving Cas’ hair a little tug. “I’m sure, Cas. I need to feel that with you after everything that’s happened. Just bring me back to...I don’t know...to center?”  
Cas kissed his cheek and Dean turned to meet him, catching Cas’ lips with his own. He smiled as Cas’ tongue caressed his, and even though he’d told Cas not to worry about making him cum, he could feel himself getting close as they moved together.  


“Cas!” Dean panted. “Fuck, Cas! Please!”  


“Dean!” Cas groaned in reply, his breath coming hard and fast. “Dean, I’m going to-”  


“Me too!” Dean managed to grit out. “Cas, oh my angel, oh fuck, oh fuck, CAS!”  


“I love you, Dean!” Cas rumbled and then Dean felt him begin to spasm as the angel cried out his name, his arms tightening almost painfully around Dean.  


The sensation of Cas holding him so close as he went over the edge dragged Dean along with him, and he found himself jerking against his partner as his orgasm overwhelmed him. When he finally came back to himself, Cas was murmuring endearments and stroking his fingers through Dean’s hair.  


“I love you too, Cas,” Dean whispered as Cas pulled the blankets back up around them.  


Cas hugged him and kissed his cheek. “Do you want to take a bath?” Cas asked, nuzzling the back of his neck.  


Dean yawned and snuggled back into his angel, shaking his head. “In a minute,” he said, closing his eyes.  


He felt Cas nod and the two of them lay together cuddling as Cas slowly softened within him. Dean had discovered early in their lovemaking that he loved the intimacy of that feeling, and he found himself sighing happily as the two of them came down together. “Thanks for that,” he said after a few blissful moments. He heard the low rumble of Cas’ laugh and found himself grinning too.  


“Thank _you_ ,” Cas replied, kissing the back of his neck. They both hissed a little as Cas slid out of him and Dean stretched with a happy groan before turning and taking Cas into his arms. They were both messy, but he didn’t care as he pulled Cas in for a searing kiss. Cas wrapped his arms around him with a soft moan and together they enjoyed a long few minutes of slow, passionate kissing. It was only when they were both breathing hard that Dean finally pulled back, giving Cas a final peck on the lips. He glanced at the bedside clock.  


“Ten AM,” he said ruefully. “Checkout at noon?”  


Cas nodded with an adorable little frown that bordered on being a pout. “Bath?” he asked.  


Dean nodded and together they made their way into the luxurious bathroom. They ran the water while they took a quick shower to clean up, then sank beneath the bubbles in the huge tub. The heat and the jets felt incredible, but by far the best sensation was the gentle caress of Cas’ fingers on his knee. Dean smiled at the sight of Cas with eyes closed and his head leaning back against the edge of the tub, a soft smile on his face.  


“Why are you staring at me?” Cas asked, not opening his eyes.  


Dean chuckled and leaned forward, brushing his thumb over Cas’ lips. “‘Cause you’re gorgeous,” he said, loving the pink blush that crept over Cas’ cheeks. “And I like seeing you relax.”  


Cas cracked an eyelid, his answering smile almost shy. “I find I am usually quite relaxed around you,” he said in a low voice. He glanced down then back up, raising an eyebrow. “Most of me, that is.”  


Dean grinned at him and caught his hand, pulling Cas forward into a kiss. There was a little awkward shifting, but soon Cas was in his lap with his legs around Dean’s waist as the two of them kissed. Dean cupped Cas’ ass with both hands, giving his angel a playful squeeze.  


“It will never cease to amaze me how fleeting the satiety is with you,” Cas said, shaking his head. His eyes were closed and his full lips were a few shades darker than usual from all of the kissing.  


_Fuck, he’s gorgeous,_ Dean thought as he reached up to brush Cas’ hair off of his forehead. “Is that your way of saying that you want to go again?” Dean asked.  


“ _Want_ to, yes,” Cas replied. “Am able…” he let out a soft chuff of laughter. “I am not entirely certain.”  


Dean laughed and pulled Cas down for another kiss, shaking his head. “I know what you mean,” he said as they leaned their foreheads together. “And you gotta know that it’s mutual, Cas.”  


Cas made a happy sound and kissed him again. “Perhaps in a few hours,” the angel said.  


“We’ll be halfway home by then,” Dean replied.  


“We had discussed exploring new levels of intimacy in the car,” Cas mused and Dean felt his breath catch. “If you would not be averse to trying.”  


“Fuck, Cas,” Dean breathed, looking up into the half-lidded eyes of his partner.  


“That would be the general idea,” Cas said and Dean rolled his eyes, even as the little thrill of excitement went through his body.  


“Now who’s incorrigible?” Dean teased, giving Cas’ ass a little pinch.  


Cas grinned down at him and then sighed. “We should pack up,” he said regretfully. “It is almost time for us to check out.”  


“One sec,” Dean said, reaching up and cupping Cas’ cheek. “Cas...thank you for this. For doing this for me. For taking care of me, like always.” He blushed, but held Cas’ eyes. “It was really sweet.”  


“Did it help?” Cas asked, cocking his head.  


Dean nodded and pulled Cas down for a kiss. “You always do,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that y'all enjoyed this totally plot-less fluffy mess of a chapter. I wanted it to be sweet and sensual, while still respecting what Dean had recently been through. I think it's consistent with his character to turn to physical intimacy as a way of dealing with trauma, but even still I really tried to avoid "sex fixes trauma" as a trope. Hopefully I walked the line ok.
> 
> We have a little more fluff and smut coming up before plot is going to wander back in.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and stay safe and well!
> 
> Love,  
> ~SLN

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so Destiel has always been my OTP, I won't even pretend that it wasn't. However, I didn't want to delve too deeply into it unless it was made canon in some form or fashion. Since that has happened, I decided to get out over a decade of Destiel feels into one piece. Thank you for reading!
> 
> All the love,  
> ~SLN


End file.
